Chapter 26: Undone (No Doubt)
A/N: If you've made it this far, you know everything is a trigger...right? Good. Trigger warnings are the same as spoilers (prove me wrong).
Santana's POV
January
"How were your first weeks back in class?" Q asked as we cuddled next to the fireplace in the library café.
"College has been easier than high school so far. I had a perfect average last term. I thought it'd be a breeze forever...but it's not."
"Why?"
"It's no big deal, just a professor that likes to pick out people each class to make a fool out of."
"I hate professors like that."
"It's one semester. I am only taking this class to get it over with."
"What class is it?"
"Biology."
"Who do you have? Cray?"
"How'd you know?"
"I had him, for pre-med, biology since it's kind of a big one to be a doctor. He's a jerk, but he's been a fair grader."
"Let's hope that's true. We have our first test coming up next week, and I am not prepared. I've been so stressed with potty training Daniela and getting the house fixed up that my studies are slacking."
"It's been a while since I've taken the kids; I can take them for a night."
"No offense, Q, but I really don't want to send them to your place."
"Not you too?!" She grumbled.
"I can't help it. I've become really weird about where the kids go. I love you, and if you want to come over for a while so I can study, that's fine."
"Wow." Q sat up and sniffed before wiping away a nonexistent tear. "It's bad enough that your sister broke up with me over this, but for you to turn on me too...that hurts."
"Sorry, not sorry, Q. It's a small space, and I have rambunctious toddlers who get into everything. I left Isaac to play while I made lunch and came back to him and his sister legit covered in baby lotion."
"Fine, you have a point."
"I know, I do. I don't want them to get into the wrong things. I know Puckerman, he leaves shit lying around, and while Beth is old enough to know better, the kids don't."
She took a long sip of her coffee and then stared blankly at the fireplace before looking back at me. Her indignant expression had changed.
"I want her back. I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
"You should have thought about that after the last time we discussed this back in August; now she's in PR painting away her sorrows. She texts updates to the group chat, just to prove she's still alive, but otherwise, none of the girls have heard from her."
"I know, I spent all of winter break trying to get Sandra or Damariz to break and tell me where she is exactly, but they wouldn't."
"You didn't ask me."
"Like you would've told me."
"Yeah, you're right. If I knew, I would have kept it to myself."
"I know, that's why I asked Britt. She told me that you didn't know, so I didn't bother asking."
"I can keep secrets from her." I was indignant now, but she rolled her eyes.
"But you don't. Which makes me so happy, you can't even imagine how much."
"Thanks, Q." I said before taking a long sip of my coffee.
She went silent, but I wouldn't look her way.
I was going to be fine.
There was no use worrying people.
The week between my conversation with Quinn about Dr. Cray and my exam flew by. Daniela had finally started to figure out the potty seat. Isaac was right alongside her with his little urinal that Britt had found. My sister had told me it would be impossible to get them both toilet trained simultaneously, but I was proving her wrong.
I threw myself into making sure that the kids and Britt were happy, so happy that no one would worry about my starting to unravel.
The semester had just started, there was no way that I could crack this soon. I was stronger than I used to be.
"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you, finally?" Britt asked on Friday afternoon when I got home. She was in her pajamas instead of her normal work sweats. This wasn't her routine. It was come home from rehearsal, pick up the kids, feed them and then wait for me to get home so we could have dinner together before she left for her workshop.
But here she was doing finger paint at the dining room table with the kids, in no rush to leave. The kids, meanwhile, were so happy to have extra time with their Mama that they didn't even look my way.
Rude.
"Why aren't you dressed for the workshop?"
"Because there aren't any more workshops. We got greenlighted. Our show is scheduled to open next February, so these next few months choreography is on hold while they finalize the script and the set design. So I will be getting paid on retainer until dance rehearsals start back up in June."
"That's six months from now."
"I know...are you not happy about it? This means I get to be home, and we can see each other more. It means that we can start moving to our house as soon as it's ready."
"Yeah, I know. It's exciting. Sorry, it's been a long day."
"Well, go get changed and come finger-paint with us. I saved your favorite color."
"Black?"
"Yup."
"Cool."
I kissed the tops of all three of their heads and then went to our bedroom, finally allowing myself to take a full breath.
The anxiety had been making me feel so trapped all day; I got to the lecture hall too early and had an awkward stare-off with Dr. Cray, then I finished the exam too fast, and he snapped at me because he was going to give bonus questions. I opted out of them, though, and left; there was no way I could stay there another moment longer than I had to. I had literally run from campus to Tribeca in heels. Six miles in, my favorite heels that were now garbage, all because I needed to put as much distance between that fucking twat and myself.
I shoved my fingers down my throat, feeling like the lunch Quinn insisted we have a few hours before was still lingering in my stomach. Even when it was all out, I still felt disgusting, so I flushed the toilet before climbing into the shower. My throat was raw as I scrubbed at my skin until it burned.
"You're grunting, which means you're washing too hard." Britt said, and I nearly slipped on a bar of soap, but I caught myself. Then I was hit with deja-vu; we'd lived this moment before in another time.
She slid the shower door open and looked me over.
"Sugar took the kids down to the daycare playroom. Did you know they leave it open for residents whose kids want more playtime?" She asked as she took her clothes off.
"No." I said, my voice sounding hoarse, and she just raised her eyebrows.
"Me either. So now it's just us; tell me what's bothering you, please?"
"I'm just stressed about school."
"How can I help?" She took the loofa from me and then reached to turn the water to a cooler temperature.
I wanted to lie or deflect, but those bright blue eyes were staring into my fucking soul.
"I'm slipping, B. It's hard, and I feel overwhelmed."
"Okay, well, let me take care of home stuff. All you need to worry about is school, okay?" She cradled my cheek like it was something precious. I couldn't hold back my tears as she relieved the pressure that I'd been feeling about being super mom and super student.
"Thanks, B."
"We haven't been up to the house in a few weeks. Maybe we can go tomorrow and see how the contractors are doing?"
"That's a good idea."
"Good, I'm glad you agree. I might invite Quinn to stay here with Beth and the kids. You've been doing mom stuff every day for months; it's okay to take a break from them."
"Is it, though? Haven't we pushed them off on enough people?"
"Quinn has been harassing me for more time with them. This works out for everyone. We can just go tomorrow and come back Sunday. What's the harm in one night?"
"Okay."
"Baby?" She was closer, and I could feel my heart speeding up at her touch.
"Yes?"
"Do you need to go to a meeting?"
"Yes."
"Can I come with you?"
"Please?"
February
I woke up to bouncing around me and opened my eyes to my wife jumping on the bed with the kids.
They were giggling, and she was singing.
"Do you know what today is?"
"Our first anniversary." I asked, and she grinned.
"And?"
"Moving day?"
"Yes! Today we move to our house!"
"Is it really a move if I'm going to be spending some nights here?"
Her jumping stopped; I had burst her bubble. The kids fell down beside me and snuggled me close while Britt still stood there, looking down at me in confusion.
"Sunday nights only because you have an early class on Monday...that's it."
"I also have an early class on Wednesday and Friday."
"But you are done classes the days before at three." I bit my lips and didn't say anything. She was right.
"You memorized my schedule?"
"Of course I did; I've been home alone with these munchkins every day for two weeks, learning your schedule was easy."
"We don't even have furniture, B...can't we hold off until the end of the semester?"
"No. You need this, Santana."
Full name.
How could I argue?
She was right; the nights we slept there, I felt amazing and dreaded coming to the city, but then the reverse happened.
I'd get down here and not want to go back.
Britt was finally putting her foot down.
"Fine...I know, okay."
"So what's today?"
"Moving day."
"Say it with a smile for the kids."
So I smiled my best and said as happily as I could. "It's moving day!"
They all cheered, and I had to get the hell over myself.
For ten days, Dr. Cray was blissfully absent because of a family emergency, and it was the best week and a half of my student life.
I was transitioning to our new house just fine and not missing a beat at school.
That was, of course, until one Friday morning, I got to class, and there he was in a thousand dollar suit reading the New Yorker with a smug smirk.
Asshole.
Luckily, I had arrived with a large group, and we didn't have a stare-off.
He stood there in front of the lectern and looked over the room, his eyes landing on mine for a second too long before he moved on.
"As many of you know, midterms are almost upon us. Despite my absence, I expect that you followed the syllabus as expected. We will have a practice test this morning, then I will release you to assigned study groups. This means, Ms. Lopez," He looked me in the eyes, "What?"
"Stay until you dismiss us, sir." He smirked and looked around the room.
"Precisely. Even if you finish the quiz early, stay seated until I have dispensed with your group assignments. Each group will be comprised of four students. No two people in each group will be given the same midterm." There were collective groans. "Which means, what, Ms. Lopez?"
I swallowed hard, he didn't normally call me out, but today he was doing it twice. My previous calm confidence was shattered. "There are four versions of the midterm." He raised an eyebrow, "Sir." He nodded and then pulled out a stack of papers.
"Grab an exam. Oh, and this quiz is worth 10% of your grade. Pick them up, face down, and do not turn them over until I say so."
He was obviously in a shitty mood, and I was his prime target, there was no way I could evade him for much longer, and all I could think was that I should have told Britt or Quinn...or my therapist...even Nico, but instead, I'd kept my mouth shut like the good girl that I'd been groomed to be.
I got up with my row and picked up a packet without making any eye contact; I didn't want him to think that I was into his game. Men like Dr. Cray took any look or gesture as an invitation to continue being lecherous bastards, which was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to get through this fucking semester so that I could go back to pretending that he didn't exist.
Because I hadn't been following the syllabus and because I was sure he'd throw in some questions that we hadn't gotten to yet, I knew I bombed the quiz, but I finished it and turned it back over.
"Santana!" He called, and I finally met his eyes.
"Yes, sir?"
"There are sixteen students in this lecture hall who are my very best, and they are all still taking the quiz. So, either you didn't take the quiz, or you've somehow become smarter than them in ten days. Did you complete the quiz?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very well."
He gave the room about ten more minutes before calling time.
"Did you piss him off or something?" A guy in my row asked, but I just fingered my wedding band and thought of the two little monsters waiting to finger paint with me at home. It was our new family tradition. Britt wanted to cover their bedroom walls with the drawings, which was a genius idea, naturally.
We were paired off into our groups and given just one fifty-page study guide that was half the size of our textbooks. He wanted us to meet up and memorize the thing. It didn't escape my notice that he put me in a group with all white dudes, who looked just as stuck up like him.
Sure enough, when we broke out into our groups, one of them asked me if I would lose my scholarship if I failed. Another asked me if staying late would keep me from my kids. (Fair point, but he didn't know I had kids, no one did). The last guy asked me if I had a personal relationship with Dr. Cray; he said that he always caught us staring at each other.
It was at that moment that I said fuck you to all three of them and left.
Screw them and the study guide; I'd do it on my own.
March
I had been studying for this biology midterm for over a week on my own without the help of the dude-bros in my team. Even when we had breakout sessions during class, I went over my notes instead of participating in their vapid conversations.
At home, I was avoiding letting Britt know that I was breaking again.
I went to extra meetings, I snuggled more with the kids, and I left every ounce of frustration out on the cross-country runs.
The last day of classes before spring break was going to be a whirlwind, so much so that Britt had left the kids with my Mari and was waiting for me at our apartment so that she could drive home with me.
I had tried to explain that I wouldn't be able to get home early, but she didn't complain; she told me she'd find something to do to kill time.
Knowing she was close by if I needed her made me feel a little more secure...it's like she knew that I needed her but was just waiting for me to let her know.
And that's probably exactly what I should have done, but it isn't because I'm stubborn and stupid.
Every other midterm had been light work, but Bio had me feeling uneasy. Not having the study guide had been a dumb move of mine because there was no way the dude-bros were going to hand it over the closer the exam date came. So, I was forced to just study everything in every extra moment that I could.
Britt had even joined in to quiz me on the material, but all the studying failed me when it came down to it.
When the test day came, I found myself coming up blank as I looked down at the page. I knew the material, but my brain was failing me because of him.
I knew for a fact that it had to do with Dr. Cray and his constant staring.
He had gotten under my skin, calling me out every single class for one thing or another until I flinched every time he cleared his fucking throat.
It was him, after all, who had conditioned me to know his every sound...clearing his throat was his annoying habit that made me flinch even when Britt or anyone else did it.
As much as I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, I didn't want to stand out to him any more than I already had.
My first semester had been a breeze, but the second semester had me staring down three professors who had been former clients, which had been fucking with my concentration. Thankfully two of the professors either didn't remember me or were just as focused on forgetting our time together as I was, but that wasn't the case with Dr. Cray.
At first, he treated me like everyone else and would just stare, but after his family emergency, he'd come back gunning for me.
It was hard to swallow the fact that almost four years later, that summer I spent with Marco was still haunting me.
I had almost convinced myself that the majority of the people that I had fucked that summer had disappeared.
My hands gripped the desk right up to the moment he cleared his throat and hovered over me.
When I looked up at him, his smirk was more of a snarl.
"Ms. Lopez...see me in my office...your test is over."
I was in shock as my mind came crashing back down to reality. I looked down at my blank paper and then around the room.
The room had emptied at some point with people leaving after they'd finished, so now I had to deal with this creep one on one all because I hadn't been able to concentrate.
I pulled my blue Columbia hat over my eyes and adjusted my big sweatshirt before grabbing my bag and following him down the hall.
My palms itched in memory of all that I had gone through with this man when we were alone. Of all the people I escorted, this guy scared me the most.
Chills ran through my body as I remembered the things he had done to me and my mind.
He was one of my regulars until Marco found me passed out on the living room floor with a needle sticking out of my arm. It took nearly overdosing on heroin for Marco to notice how much this guy was damaging me.
That night Marco had beat me until I couldn't stand and then forbid me from seeing the guy again. It was one of those protective moments that my ex-husband had from time to time that I was still very grateful for, and for the first time since his death, I wished that he was still alive.
He may have treated me like trash...but I was his trash.
That night was the last time I had to deal with Dr. Cray, thankfully, since my jobs went through Marco. Being down one regular didn't faze me much; I had forgotten about him almost immediately, that was until my first biology class of the semester.
When everything changed.
I still had the scars that served as daily reminders of why to stay away from heroin and creepy-ass professors.
It was him that Carmen had been trying to save girls from, and here I was following him to an empty office.
The person that I was now...I had thought was stronger than that girl I was that summer, but then I got stuck with Dr. Cray, one hour, three days a week, and his staring games began. I was trying to do the impossible and graduate in three years; I didn't want anything to fuck up that plan. So when he was the only open biology class that fit in my schedule, I figured that I could hack it and not let him scare me into dropping the class.
He would not fuck up my future.
I had a plan and had been doing a great job at managing to fly under his radar just enough for him to never get the chance to have me all alone until today until I finally let his staring crack me into pieces.
My hands were sweaty as I stepped into his office.
God, I missed Marco.
"Shut the door and take a seat."
"I would be more comfortable with the door open, sir."
My voice was strained as I stared at the floor and shifted back and forth on my feet.
"Always rebellious, at least you remembered how I like to be addressed. It's been a while, and you still look amazing. Did you finally kick that nasty drug habit, or do you still like to be eaten out with cocaine on your pussy?"
He whispered next to my ear before reaching past me and closing the door with a slam. I swallowed back the extra saliva in my mouth and suppressed the urge to vomit.
I just stood there, still as a statue...clutching my bag with all my strength even though I felt like I would pass out at any second.
Maybe I hadn't heard him correctly because now he was just sitting there with a warm smile on his face like he hadn't brought up one of his favorite activities.
I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and cleared my throat.
"Will you let me sit the test again, or do I need to just go see the dean?"
Wrong move.
Because stupid me, he was the associate dean...there's no way they'd believe me over him. He saw the realization dawn on my face and smirked as he pointed at the chair with that stern look on his face that told me all that I needed to know.
He was still a dangerous man, and I didn't need to cross him.
I dropped into the chair next to his desk and finally raised my eyes to his.
He was still smirking.
"Of course, I'll let you sit the test again...once you can explain to me why you sat there like an imbecile...or was that just your plan to get me alone with you again?"
Of course, he would think that.
But I wouldn't let him win.
Marco wasn't here...but I was.
And I was stronger than I used to be.
"It's...your staring that makes me uncomfortable, sir. I can't focus."
"I can help you with that...just say the words...tell me...do you need my help?"
He sighed and dropped his hand down on my leg.
I froze...feeling powerless, knowing just what he was offering.
With him, it was never really about the sex; it was all a power trip.
"Yes. I do need help."
My lips were moving before my brain as he gripped my knee.
"That's a good girl."
My world was spinning as I felt his other hand brush across my arm.
"I'm married. I don't do THAT anymore." I blurted out, and he chuckled.
"That's of no consequence to me."
"Will you let me sit the test again?"
My voice squeaked out.
"Yes. I just need you to do something first."
"I want to stay sober, Trent...sir...please?"
"That can be arranged. Will you do what I ask?"
"Okay."
I said as I fought back the tears that were burning my eyes.
What the fuck was happening?
Brittany's POV
I spent my morning dancing with Tony, just to keep ourselves warm for the rehearsals that we'd have to pick up in three months.
Ana had told me that she'd be finished her midterms around three before meeting with her cross-country team. Once practice was done she'd planned to meet me at the apartment.
She'd been on edge lately, snapping at the kids and me, but I knew that it was the stress of the semester. Something about it had thrown her off, and not even Quinn could explain it to me.
On a whim, I had texted her that I would meet her at the track instead of making her come down to the apartment only for us to pass Columbia on the way up to Scarsdale.
She'd just answered a quick, one-word answer; I figured she was busy, so I left her be.
Ari showed up at the theater for some warmup, then we went to lunch, and before I knew it, the time to meet my wife had flown by.
I looked at my phone and saw I had two missed calls from her and a few texts.
Are you here?-Ana
B?-Ana
Are you dead?-Ana
Please don't be dead, oh God. I love you, don't be dead, okay?-Ana
Another text was bubbling, and I decided to just answer the phone.
"Hey, baby. I'm not dead."
"B, where the fuck are you?" She snapped.
"Leaving the theater now...I lost track of time, I'm sorry."
"I'm almost at the apartment. I need to go home. Please?"
"Of course, I'll see you soon."
By the time I got up to the apartment, Ana had poured herself a glass of wine and held up her hand before I could say anything.
"I am not an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in months. I need this today."
"Just one, okay. You know how too much gives you jitters when you're trying to sleep."
She nodded and continued to pour until it was half full before putting the bottle down.
"Where were you?"
"Dancing."
Everything about her screamed exhaustion, but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more. "How long have you been here?"
"Not long, I kicked off my shoes and came straight to the kitchen."
She lifted the glass to her lips and took a few gulps before putting the glass back down.
"You okay?"
She tried to smile, but it fell almost immediately as she stared into her glass.
"Yea...I'm just sore. I had practice after my last midterm. Coach wanted to make sure that we got a good workout before Spring Break. My back is just sore."
"Oh...can I get you aspirin or something?"
She sighed and threw her head back as she drank down the rest of the wine.
"No. Can we just go home...please?"
"Okay...I just need to..."
She cut me off as she pulled out her phone.
"I don't care what you need to do...just do it."
"Okay...you got it."
She had been snapping at me a lot lately, but that time it was just mean for no reason.
But I would let it slide.
It was late, and she was tired.
We hadn't messed around with control in our relationship since before I choked her, but it was time to consider it.
Our relationship worked in the first place because I led her to better decisions and reminded her to take care of herself.
I just couldn't ask her permission; I needed to do my manipulation like I had in high school...where I asked for forgiveness instead of permission.
Are you okay with the kids for the night? Ana is in a mood.-Brittany
Yup. I have the boys too, so it will just be a cousin sleepover.-Mari
Thanks!-Brittany
Take care of my sister!-Mari
I'm working on it. Promise!-Brittany
Good.-Mari
When I finished getting changed, I said a quick prayer for my wife and then settled in myself that it was time to save her from herself.
I stepped out into the living room, hoping to hear the piano going, which would have been a good sign, but it was silent.
"Baby?"
I noticed the patio door was cracked and could see the orange glow of a cigarette.
So she'd already had a drink and was back to smoking...this didn't look good.
I turned on the patio lights, and she shielded her eyes with her hand.
She was glaring, but so was I, and I had every right to. She puffed out her chest and took a really long inhale, trying to be a badass, but then she choked.
Her eyes watered, and she began hacking on the smoke.
I'd seen enough; moving over to her, I snatched the cigarette from her fingers and crushed it under my shoe before patting her on the back.
"Mari has the kids tonight; let's go home...unless you want to stay here?"
"No...home." She croaked.
"Then get yourself together; I'm ready."
I took her book bag for her as she took hold of my arm on the way through the parking garage.
There was a shake to her that I didn't like, but I wouldn't let myself go to the dark thoughts. Not yet.
So I turned on my super unicorn Brittany sparkles; I helped her into the passenger seat before happily settling into the driver's seat.
"Are you hungry?" I asked, and she shrugged. "When was the last time that you ate?" She shrugged again.
I swallowed back my follow-up comment and turned up the music.
While I danced in my seat, Ana sat in the passenger seat and continued scrolling through her phone.
Not even the music was snapping her out of her funk, so I turned the music really low and then leaned over the console, kissing the side of her face when we got to a red light.
She immediately wiped at her cheek and then glared at me.
"Damnit, Britt...why are your kisses always so wet?"
"Um...sorry?" I said, feeling like crap.
I gave up trying to make her feel better and just decided that I would quietly drive.
After about two minutes, she began digging through her book bag before pulling out her nail file.
It was almost like old times as she began filing her nails and pop her gum.
Things were tense between us, and I wasn't sure why.
She should be happy, her midterms that she had been stressing over, were done and she had a week off school. She should be jumping for joy, but she definitely wasn't, and it was starting to bother me, but I couldn't let that show.
I was in control; she just didn't know it.
We had just left Manhattan when the phone rang, Ana looked annoyed, but I didn't let it phase me.
"Hello?"
"Britt, it's Mari. Dani is running a fever, I gave her Tylenol, and brought it down, but you know how sick babies are. I think she just has a tooth coming in, and I'd normally just keep her, but she hasn't stopped asking for you."
"Okay, I'm not too far from you; I'll swing by and get her. Do you need me to take Izzy too?"
"Nah, he's with the boys, and he's feeling just fine."
"Okay, thanks for calling. See you soon."
"Perfect, I'll get her ready."
I swung back towards the Upper East Side, to Ana's apparent annoyance.
"She's a damned doctor; how can she not handle a two-year-old?"
"It's not about that; Dani just wants us."
"No, Mari was clear the baby wants YOU."
"Not this again; you can't be jealous because she wants me over you."
"I'm not jealous." She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring out the window.
Thankfully, Mari was outside waiting for us with a sleeping baby on her shoulder.
Dani's golden brown curls were all that I could see, and it made me smile.
"Is my sister not coming out to say hello?" Mari said as she handed Dani to me.
"She's a crabby pants."
"I'll let her be then. Sandra is going to bring Izzy back to you in the afternoon tomorrow when she picks up the boys. Okay?"
"Yup. Thanks again." I kissed her cheek and then carried our little girl to the car.
Once she was settled, I switched our playlist from raunchy hip-hop to classical. Ana's second favorite, but not even Beethoven, made her crack a smile.
I definitely had my work cut out for me.
Santana's POV
Carmen once described sub-space as the place that a submissive goes when they are at play. Like you're untethered from everything but the moment. It's all emotion and feeling; your mind shuts down and submits to your subconscious wants.
It's supposed to be euphoric and safe. Still, it was also dangerous because your body wasn't yours, and you could be manipulated into doing heinous things.
When she taught me how to reach that mental space, I used it when I escorted Mr. Evans and Dr. Cray. I hadn't thought of that sub-space since Marco was alive. I am pretty sure that Daniela was created in a sub-space, I wanted those divorce papers signed, so I let my mind go to that place where I felt safe.
After that moment, I hadn't needed to go there again because Britt and I were very alert when we fucked.
I hadn't experienced the euphoria that Carmen had described, not even once.
But that didn't mean that I didn't just let my mind shut off when I needed to; it was like it had become a part of my fight or flight instincts.
So when I was trapped in that office with my panties shoved in my mouth and the door locked, I let my mind drift.
I shoved down the guilt and just let him have what he wanted.
When I got to the apartment, all I wanted was to shower, but I had needed a drink more than anything else. The pain had started to manifest in all my joints; the alcohol was supposed to dull the pain, but then she got to the apartment, and I had to explain myself.
Her eyes were already questioning my movements, so I knew that taking a much-needed shower would be foolish. How many times had she joined me in a shower?
I didn't want her to touch me or see anything that he'd left behind.
There was always a memento, and she didn't need to see that.
Nobody did.
I felt disgusting, so I dug out a stale pack of cigarettes from the kitchen drawer and went out to the patio.
She was probably already mad about the drinking; what was one more thing. It's not like the kids were there.
I needed this more than I needed her to be happy with me.
A fight I could handle, but the impending breakdown was not.
She should be happy that I hadn't stopped for drugs on the way home.
With two midterms, a creepy lecherous asshole, and cross-country...my mind, body, and spirit were feeling like shit.
I saw everything from two different perspectives.
My actions towards Britt were mean, but I just couldn't get myself to stop being that way.
Her life was working out so fucking well, and I was jealous.
I'd been so into my studies that I'd taken over our whole bedroom with notes, so she'd been sleeping in the guest room every night.
She would apologize every morning, but I encouraged it; there was no reason to keep her awake when she had to get up early with the kids.
But I can't say that sleeping alone didn't make me feel even worse.
We'd moved to that house, hoping that we'd feel even closer to each other, but I'd been rude from the beginning of the semester.
I was pissed at myself for not telling her how I felt, but that manifested as anger.
Which meant that my moods were starting to drive a wedge between us, which was the last thing that we needed after finally finding a way back to each other.
On top of everything, I felt guilty.
I needed to make things right; I just wasn't sure how I was supposed to do that.
Maybe now that I had a few days to breathe before I had to be back at school, I could work on repairing what we had lost.
Our relationship had been compromised yet again because of me, after Mr. Evans, everyone had treaded lightly around me, making me feel like I'd break at the slightest touch, and while this was a way worse situation, the last thing that I could handle at that moment was pity.
So, I'd work through my shit during Spring Break, and maybe I'd even tell Britt what had happened by the end of it.
That's a big maybe, but anything is possible, right?
I didn't give Britt a chance to get Daniela. When the car came to a stop, I hopped out, grabbed my bookbag, and quickly grabbed the baby before storming into the house.
Britt didn't even call after me; her anger wasn't explosive like mine, not while she was medicated.
It was slow and quiet; I knew that I was pushing her with all of my craziness, but I knew it was because I wanted her to force this poison out of me.
Touching my little girl with this disgusting feeling on my skin felt like a sin, but I needed to feel her little face against my neck.
Holding her reminded me of what I stood to lose.
My emotions were all over the place, and it was only a matter of time until Britt called me out.
In the meantime, I was thankful that Mari had given the baby a bath and put her in her pajamas. I checked her temperature and saw that it was just a low grade. She whined when I laid her down with her lovey, but the moment she felt it in her arms, she fell into a deeper sleep. Which worked wonders for me being able to change her diaper.
"I love you, mi'ja. I won't ever let anyone hurt you like this. I'd die first." I whispered, and then I kissed her little face.
I heard Britt moving around downstairs and felt my heart race because she would have normally been right behind me in putting the baby to sleep, but she was obviously taking her time.
Which I actually appreciated.
Everything about my body was achy and sore, and I really didn't want her to see me like this. Now that I was coming down from the adrenaline and alcohol, I started to feel the pain.
With everything going on, usually, I drive into the city and then come home only after I've gone to the apartment to shower, so that by the time that Britt sees me...I am relaxed and bathed.
Tonight was different.
But I couldn't break my routine.
One of the best defenses a recovering addict has is routine.
And right then, as I peeled off my clothes in the locked bathroom, I was clinging to my routine because nothing and no one could fix the shit going on in my head.
Sadly, not even my kids.
I dug through my bag and found the single pill that he'd given me after everything.
He'd given me that ugly smirk and said, "This won't get you hooked; it will help with the pain."
"I'm sober." I'd said to him, and he shrugged.
"You'll still be sober. It's not a narcotic. I have my kinks, Ms. Lopez, and I have always enjoyed you. The only way you'll come back is if there's some quid pro quo. You'll get to retake the midterm, and I'm helping with the pain."
I stared down at it, feeling tempted to flush it down the toilet but then the ache of my back was just too much. I hoped to God that, at the very least, it would knock me out.
The day just needed to end, so with a quick prayer, I swallowed it dry before climbing under the hot spray of water.
I stood in the shower and watched the blood circling the drain. At least in my head, that's what I saw.
The pill took effect faster than I could have imagined.
My eyelids were heavy, and my body felt like lead.
I felt my first real craving soon after and knew I shouldn't have listened to him.
How stupid could I be?
My mind played tricks on me; I felt sluggish and then began to dry heave.
The water went from hot to cold, and I continued to just lean against the wall and scrub at my skin. At least I did until there was banging from somewhere behind me.
Brittany.
"Ana? Why is this door locked? Are you okay? You've been in there for almost two hours."
I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to alleviate the pressure that was behind my eyes.
When I looked down again, the blood was gone, and I was shivering under the freezing water.
I reached out to turn off the water and jerked my hand back when the water started to look like powder crystals.
They were everywhere, and I didn't want them near me.
"What the fuck?"
"Santana...open this door."
Britt sounded frantic, but I couldn't move...there was just too much powder; what if I ingested it?
Months of sobriety would be lost, all because she was rushing me.
The cloud of powder was hovering now, and so the only thing that I could do was curl up against the wall and put my hands over my face trying not to inhale.
Why was this happening to me? What the fuck was in that pill?
I hadn't had a panic attack in over a year, and now I was curled up freezing to death, plagued by the worst hallucinations in the world.
Thank God for Brittany.
Brittany's POV
I was fed up with her.
First, she is bitchy in the car on the way home.
Then she slams the door in my face and practically runs upstairs.
She had the baby, so I decided to just have a glass of milk and wait. I called to check in on Izzy, called my mom while I looked through the mail and cleaned up the kitchen before finally going to check on my wife. It had been nearly two hours; I thought she'd be asleep or at least calmer. It was my hope that she'd just went to bed and we'd talk about things the next day.
The lights were off in the bedroom, so I didn't even peak inside, wanting to keep her calm. I missed sleeping next to her, but tonight, she needed space, so I was just going to head to the guest room, but then I got to the top of the stairs, and I could hear a lot of sobbing, so I changed direction and headed to our bedroom.
The bed was still made up from the morning, so I walked to the bathroom.
Ana and I still had the no locked doors rule because she says it keeps her honest, so when I tried the doorknob, it didn't move...I panicked.
Suddenly the mood swings were reminding me of drug withdrawal.
Was she back on drugs?
Had I missed the signs?
I can take anything but that right now.
She'd been sober for a while now; I was really hoping that she wouldn't throw it away.
Not again.
She had so much more to lose now, the kids, me, her family, school, cross-country...everything would be taken from her...would she really risk it?
There was something that I had missed...I was sure of it.
So as I banged on the door, I went over and over in my mind, what had I not seen?
My heart was racing because not only was she not answering me, but her cries had stopped.
All sound had stopped.
The only thing that I could hear was the sound of the water hitting the bottom of the shower.
It'd been so long since I had to deal with anything like this; she was doing so well. How had everything gone to shit so fast?
This was definitely not good.
Ironically, the very thing that Ana was using to block me from getting to her was shot down by something else she taught me to do.
Locking the door was really pointless since I could pick a lock much faster than even she could.
I knelt in front of the door and began to stick the pick in the lock when I heard a thud and a crash.
There wasn't much glass in the bathroom, with the exception of the shower door and the mirror over the sink.
My hands started to shake when I heard her moaning on the other side.
"Ana...baby...I'm coming...I'll be there in a second...just stay with me."
I didn't know what I was walking into as the lock clicked, and I pushed the door.
But whatever I was imagining wasn't as bad as what I saw.
There was blood everywhere as she lay completely naked in the center of it all.
What the heck had happened?
It took everything inside of me not to panic as I threw the pick from my hands, stepped over Ana, and picked her up from the floor. I winced when I realized that she felt about ten times lighter than she had ever been, and it had me feeling nervous.
Since our schedules had been so busy and she had been so violent in her sleep...causing me to sleep in a different room, I hadn't seen her naked in two months, and I hadn't really seen her eat either. I'd dropped the ball in watching over her because she was still doing all the things that kept her healthy, therapy, medicine, and meetings.
I was sure of it, so how had we gotten here.
She was a mixture of muscle and bone...something that I wasn't sure was possible, but from what I could see, there was zero fat. I was mentally kicking myself because I hadn't noticed that she had obviously struggled with old problems.
I looked at her face, which had a bruise forming on it where her face hit the floor.
The blood, though, came from her nose and opened wounds along her side and back from what I could see. The cuts weren't fresh...they had swollen and looked like they were getting infected; I knew that they couldn't be from her falling through the glass door.
Actually...she didn't have a single cut from the fall...which was definitely a blessing.
What was weirding me out, though, was that Ana had dealt with a lot of things, drug addiction, anxiety, and eating disorders...that was stuff she that she had been struggling with for years...some of it since she was a teenager...but cutting was not something she had ever done. Since they were on her right side...almost near her back...it seemed like an odd place for her to do it to herself.
Which could only mean that someone had done that to her.
But how and who?
Was that why she was so angry with me because I wasn't noticing her struggles?
She had always followed a routine, breakfast, school, cross-country, a meeting, our apartment, and then home. That's been her routine for months...so when would she have time to let someone do that to her?
What was I missing?
Santana's POV
My cheek was cold and stinging as I slowly opened my eyes.
The first thing that I noticed was the blinding light from over my bed.
I never turned that on.
Hadn't I just been in the shower?
Or climbing out of it?
Everything was blurry as I tried to focus my vision, but that hurt too much.
"Hey, Ana...so glad that you're awake...here, take these."
I turned my head towards the voice and saw Britt standing above me, her hand out.
Her expression was neutral, but I could see in her eyes that she was freaked out.
The pill had fucked me up, and now she was handing me more.
Which made my stomach turn.
"No pills...no drugs."
My voice was harsh, but I was scared; it wasn't meant to piss her off.
"Take them, or I swear I will pack you up and drop you off with Sandra."
"Then do it." I said harshly as I reached for the blanket.
But there wasn't one.
On top of that...I was lying on my left side completely naked, which could only mean that she'd seen.
This was bad...so fucking bad.
I wasn't ready to explain myself to her. The tears warmed my cold skin as I looked up at her...my sadness must have made her see that my anger was just a front.
"Please? Trust me, baby...Santana, please?"
I was always a sucker for wanting to fix the pain that came from her. I was like a moth to a flame; I was both entranced and protective all at once.
"Help me sit up, B...please?" I said as I held my hand up.
She looked at me, examining my face before holding her hand out.
I bit hard on the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming as I finally got into a sitting position.
And that's when I felt it.
I reached my hand back and felt the bandage over my cuts. The same cuts that I had been trying to ignore for hours now.
I was now trying not to panic because not only had Britt seen them, but she had cleaned them and bandaged them up.
This had been what I was trying to avoid.
Fuck.
I looked at her as I touched the bandage and saw her eyebrow lift; my defenses were immediately raised.
"I can explain." I was all set to ramble when she pressed a finger to my lips and shook her head.
"I don't need you to explain...right now...just take these pills, that's all I want from you. Please?"
Even though I had a whole speech prepared, I was relieved when she refused to hear it. Especially since it was a big fat lie, and she probably knew what I was planning to do.
So she didn't even want to give me the chance to lie to her again.
And I didn't blame her.
"Okay..." I said, finally taking the pills from her hand and dry swallowing them. "Are you happy?" I asked as she smirked, looking really proud of herself.
"Happy enough." She shrugged and then leaned closer to me and ghosted her fingers over my cuts. I hissed in pain and shock that she was blatantly touching them.
Even bandaged up, they hurt like they were fresh. She pushed down on a spot, and I nearly bit through my lip as the pain shot through me.
"Please...don't." I gasped out, feeling like it was taking everything that I had just to breathe.
"Did someone hurt you?"
My jaw dropped as I watched the nonchalant look that she had on her face as she continued to run her fingers over my side.
"What do you mean, Britt Britt?" I gasped out, finally reaching back and grabbing her wrist so that she couldn't touch it anymore. "I'm begging you...please don't touch it?" I was pleading with her.
She nodded and pulled her hand away.
She stared long and hard at me as she plopped down on the bed beside me.
"How long have we been together?"
"You mean just sex or like officially?"
She sighed and ran her hands tiredly over her face and sighing hard.
"From the moment in the treehouse...our first kiss...how long?"
I closed my eyes and counted and then looked over at her eyes and could see they were bloodshot. She was giving me the best version of herself; at the very least, I needed to give her the same in return. I hadn't realized just how upset she was until that moment, and that's not what I wanted at all.
"Six years." I whispered...not believing how long it had been.
"And as of January, how long have we been married?"
Shit...had I missed our anniversary?
"Two years."
"So you would say that I know you pretty good...right?"
"Yea, B...definitely."
"So tell me why you think that I wouldn't notice that it wasn't you who put those cuts there?"
"I don't know what you want me to say, B."
"No lies...right? So just tell me the truth, Santana."
I cringed at the sound of my full name rolling from her lips again.
"Just leave it alone...it's over."
"What's over? Tell me!"
"I-I handled it for now... let's just leave it."
"Why?"
"You want me to be happy, right?"
"Yes, of course."
"And you want things to go back to being better than when we first got together, right? Like it was before Marco came back into my life?"
"More than anything."
She seemed to finally be relaxing and letting me reason with her.
"Then you have to let me deal with this. You have to let this go...please? Can you do that?" She looked at me and then turned her face away. She didn't look at me again as her shoulders began to shake. "B?"
She shook her head and held her hand up, still looking away. I touched her, but she pulled away as she let out a sob. I didn't know what to do or what to say...all I knew was that I was stuck in a tough spot. I couldn't tell her about this.
All it did was fill me with shame and guilt. I had to keep her in the dark...I would never forgive myself if he touched her.
"Just...tell me..." She looked down at her lap, and from what I could see from the side of her face, she was trying to fight the tears and the anger. "Are you on drugs again?"
My heart felt like it stopped.
Is that what she thought this was about?
I put my hand on her arm and felt her flinch away from my touch even though she didn't physically move away from me.
"Brittany, I swear to you...I am not on drugs, and I have no intention of ever being on them again."
She nodded but continued to look down at her hands.
"In the bathroom, you were bleeding from your nose, and you're pupils are huge."
"I took a pill for the pain...from these cuts. I don't know what it was, but I'd never retake it. It scared me."
"Are you sleeping with someone else?"
I froze and thought hard about her question.
Was that what this was, or was it less than that?
And if I was hesitating to answer, what did that say about me?
Britt didn't wait for me to hesitate another second.
She turned sad blue eyes on me and had the same look that she did right before she dumped me all those years back, and suddenly I couldn't allow anything to make her say those words to me, ever again.
"He was going to force himself on me, B...so I compromised with him...I'm so sorry!"
She stared at me in shock but then just nodded and rolled off the other side of the bed.
"Did you fuck him?" She asked in that sweet Brittany voice she used that was loaded with sarcasm.
"No."
"But it was close enough for you to think that maybe you did?"
"I'm not sure," I whispered just before she stormed out of the room.
I was dumbstruck again.
This was really screwed up.
And there was no way to fix it.
Brittany's POV
"I need your help."
"Are you in trouble? What's the matter, Mija."
"It's Ana." I whispered, not wanting Ana to hear me, things with her mom were still tense, but I knew that in a pinch, there was no one better to have my wife's back than her mother.
"What happened? Is my daughter okay?"
"Is Hector there?"
"Brittany...if something is wrong with my daughter...you have to tell me."
"I don't know what's wrong...I just...I need to help her, and I don't think I can."
"Start from the beginning."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know when it started. All I know is that I found something, and it's bad...I can feel it...but she won't tell me anything more than some guy trying to force himself on her. I'm freaking out because if this is anything like Mr. Evans, it's got to be tearing her apart."
I barely breathed as I rushed through what I knew.
"What?!"
I didn't expect the scream that I heard on the other end of the line and ended up pulling the phone away from my ear.
"I...look just...can you guys come to Scarsdale...please? I think you can force it out of her."
"I don't know...my daughter is mighty stubborn...just like her father...God rest his soul."
"You didn't see her, Ma. I have never seen her look this frightened...except when Marco was still alive. She's terrified."
"We're on our way. Just tell her that we're coming."
"Okay...thank you."
"You did the right thing Brittany...just make her some café like I showed you. Then you sit her down in the kitchen...and comfort her, don't leave her alone."
"Okay."
"We are going to fix this...okay?"
"Okay."
There was another thumping crashing noise from upstairs and then the sound of crying again as I ended the call.
I didn't know what the heck was going on...but I really hoped that between Gladys and Hector...it was something that could be fixed.
When I got back to the room, I could see the entire top of her dresser had been cleared off onto the floor. That had been the thumping crash and there she sat with her face in her hands weeping.
"I need you to get dressed and come downstairs. Dani already doesn't feel well. Let her rest. Come on."
She looked up at me with so much sadness and fear in her eyes as she moved to get up.
"Ok."
"And Ana?"
She turned around and looked at me, waiting for me to break her heart.
"Yes, Britt Britt?"
"We're going to deal with this together. That's the only way to make it through the tough stuff. You have to trust me with the truth."
She swallowed hard and stared at me with her beautiful, brown eyes.
"I trust you with my everything, B. Always and only you."
"Good. Get dressed. I'm going to check on Dani; I will be right back. Keep the door open, okay?"
I didn't wait for her to respond as I made my way back out of the room. I could feel the nervous shake in my hands and was happy that Gladys had given me some direction.
I was panicking on the inside, but I knew that I had to be strong on the outside because I had been watching Ana do it for so long, I had learned some of her tricks. Maybe I could use them. For her, I was willing to do anything to help her fight the monsters in her life. The Brittany that would stand to the side, hoping for sunshine and happiness, the one who wished on rainbows, was long gone.
I've had learned the hard way that anything worth having had to be fought for, and for me...nothing was more worth having than Ana and the kids. My family came first, and I would do anything to help them.
Someone had hurt Ana, and I wouldn't stand for it. She deserved her happiness, she earned a normal life, and she was going to get one.
I would make sure of it.
Dani was curled up around her lovey, sleeping peacefully, still.
I kissed her face and then grabbed the extra monitor before meeting my wife in the hallway.
She looked up at me with lost eyes and a lip that was being chewed up. I pulled it from between her teeth and kissed it.
"Your mom is on her over to see you; I feel like it's time for you to mend things...and I know that when shit gets bad, she's your best protector." More tears left her eyes, but she just took my hand and nodded in agreement.
"Okay." She squeaked out as I pulled her to the stairs.
"And baby?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm not mad at you. That's not something you need to worry about; you and I are good."
"You don't know that."
I stopped us mid-stairs and stared her straight in the eyes, "I do know that. For better or worse, Santana, I'm here with you and for you."
"Okay, B."
"Do you believe me?"
"I do...it's just...this...it's bad."
"We've survived worse."
She nodded and, this time, pulled me down the steps. She had stuff to get off her chest. I knew that things would get better if she got it all out.
"So, are you going to tell me who he is?"
I had just served Ana her coffee and had waited for her to sit down before saying anything...but she spoke first.
"You called my mom?" When our eyes met, I could see the hurt there. I nodded, and she ended up sobbing with her forehead pressed to the countertop. "This is not the way to mend things. She's just going to make things worse!" She yelled at the table.
"I don't think that's true. You need your mom. She's coming over with Hector to talk about this...so that no one has the chance to hurt you like that again. Trust me, I'm doing this for us."
Her eyes were watery as she looked at me in disbelief.
"I asked you to drop this."
"And I already told you no...they can help you. This is no different than you calling my mom when I cheated. You weren't doing it then to be mean...right?"
She looked into her mug for a long while, and when she looked back at me, I expected her walls to be up, but she was still wide open.
"Yea...you're right."
"So you're going to trust me in this?"
"All my life...the people that I trusted the most have betrayed me...including you, and so it's easy for me to keep things to myself. What I figured out, though...in all those months of rehab, is that sometimes I need help, and I have to trust even when I don't want to. So yes...even though it hurts...I'm at the end of my rope...and I need your help."
I walked over to her and brushed her hair from her face.
"Do you really mean that?"
"With everything."
I kissed her forehead a few times and then stood back and stared back.
"I love you so much, Ana Banana."
"I love you too, B."
Santana's POV
I sat there staring into my coffee mug, trying to get my words together, but there was no way to make any of this sound okay. The situation had gotten way out of control, and I knew it from the moment that I walked into that office with Dr. Cray.
Taking that pill had brought out everything that I was planning to bury down deep. Still, Britt wasn't going to let that happen. I couldn't let myself get annoyed with her about it because this is what I had wanted, for her to see my suffering and meet me with action.
With help.
Now that Britt Britt sat across from me holding my hands, just when I felt like I was going to break apart, she began singing to me.
Slow and sweet.
God knows that I didn't deserve this fucking angel that she'd become.
I caressed her face while she kept her eyes on mine. As we cried while she sang, I couldn't help but think of the day that I had gotten up the nerve to sing Songbird to her, how she cried, and so did I.
"I love you." I said, and she leaned forward, brushing her lips against mine before pulling back and smiling.
"I love you!"
Headlights lit up the side door, and I took a deep breath as I stood up, pulling Britt from the floor. She wrapped her arms around me, and I dug my nail in her chest as I glared at her, "Just to be clear, I'm furious at you right now, Brittany. It was too soon to call Mami before I got up the nerve to talk to you, but I know why you did it. So, I'm going to let my anger go because somewhere deep down inside...I know that I will be insanely grateful for what you are doing. I'm sorry that I was so rude earlier and that I have been keeping yet another thing from you. I'm so fucking sorry."
She shook her head and linked our pinkies together before kissing my face.
"I'm sorry, I didn't give you a chance to talk to me alone."
"I forgive you."
"I need you to forgive yourself too...because I know that this wasn't you."
I looked up at her and shrugged.
"I know, but I could have been stronger."
"Not with this baby...I can tell you tried to be strong with whatever this was, but it got bigger than you. You have fought on your own for way too long. You need to let me carry some of it for you."
"Okay."
"Thank you."
When Mami walked into the kitchen, I was wrapped up in her embrace like we hadn't been on the outs for almost a year. She was crying as she held me tightly to her chest and kept kissing my face.
"I'm here, Ana. I love you so much; I am so sorry for everything. I'm here now, okay?"
My mother has never been overly affectionate with me. Seeing her like this, so torn apart over me, completely confused me.
"I'm okay. It's okay, I forgave you." I whispered as I took a step back.
And that's when I realized that it wasn't just her and Pa here.
Sandra and Quinn were also here looking at me with sad eyes. I looked over at Britt and could see that she was surprised that two more people were included in this.
Everything in me told me to run away, but I could see in her eyes that she was asking me to trust.
The last thing that I wanted to do in this situation was to trust any of these people who all in some way had neglected me in the past.
But what choice did I have?
Things weren't getting fixed by doing things my way.
It was out of my hands.
"Let's go sit in the sala." Mami said as she gestured towards the family like this wasn't her first time in my house.
Britt and I were the last to leave the kitchen.
She held onto my hand and pulled me back so that it was just us again.
"Yea, B?"
"I'm here...forever. I am so proud of you...I won't leave you...no matter what happened. I don't blame you."
I leaned against her and began sobbing.
"I'm sorry, Brittany...I'm so fucking sorry."
She rubbed my back and slowly rocked me.
"I love you, I love you, I love you. I trust you; I believe in you. Always and only you, Santana Gladys Lopez...just you and me. No matter what...it's you and me."
I nodded as I fortified myself with all of her hope.
She held tight to my hand and kissed my fingers, assuring me that I would get through this.
We would take down this asshole.
I was sure of it.
Like I was sure that if I was going to do what needed to be done, I had to trust the people around me.