Chapter 29:Casualty of Love (Jessie J)
Santana's POV
April 7th, 2015
Hi Henry!
It's been a rough couple of days, and I know that I haven't written in ages. After my little attempted excursion when we were back in Lima, my therapist (Amy) suggested that I return to you. Lima was refreshing; it was good to check on my businesses and Britt's parents. They were really wrapped up in my stuff, giving me all the love and attention I craved from Mami.
There are no perfect parents, but they are pretty freaking close.
We never went back to the apartment because they made it way too comfortable to leave. I think it was the first time that I've actually slept full nights in forever.
Even when we got back to the city, I've been sleeping really well.
And today, God is the BEST day.
I have been excused from classes for an extra week, which couldn't have come at a better time because today is Isaac's 3rd birthday, and all that he wanted was the beach.
Even though it's April in New York, gloomy and kinda chilly, we spent all day at Coney Island; Isaac got to make sandcastles with us...in gloves and coat because it was 48 degrees.
We just had cake, and he asked his Dama to stay, so Q and Beth are sprawled out in the kids' room having a whole sleepover that B and I aren't invited to.
On the long drive home from Lima, I asked Britt to fully take over the decisions for a while because my head is all over the place. She agreed with Amy, so right now, I'm supposed to be writing in here for a whole thirty minutes, which feels impossible.
What else can I say?
Oh! We bought the building in Lake George. I haven't told Brittany yet, but it was the first place I could buy with my own money. I sank just about all of my available cash into it, so I hope that we can really turn it into something.
Let's see...what else?
I'm still sober.
There's no official count of how long anymore because I have slipped up so many times...from coke it's been two years...with pills, it's like a week...and with alcohol...well, I haven't stopped drinking that.
Britt doesn't know that, and I probably shouldn't be putting actual evidence of my drinking in writing, but she's never read this...that I know of.
My fingers itch, which means I need to play. I'm going to convince Britt that the rest of this journal time should be given over to my piano.
I doubt she'll say no.
TBD
SHE SAID YES! As a bonus, she offered to come up to the loft and play the drums for this song I have in mind. Like I said, it's been the best day.
Deuces! -Santana
Brittany's POV
I played as Ana's metronome until she fell into her creative space and didn't need me anymore. I went back downstairs to check on the slumber party.
Quinn was in the kitchen as I came downstairs; she stood at the stove stirring something delicious smelling in a saucepot.
When I got closer, I could see the little mugs and marshmallows on the side.
"Hot chocolate? Isn't it a bit late for that?"
She smiled at me.
"The kids are passed out, making this for the trinity...or at least for you and me. She sounds like she's in the zone."
"She is. I think she might be playing for a while."
"Good." She smirked, "Is this the first time she's played since...you know?"
"Yeah, it is." I leaned on the counter and thought over what I wanted to say...then Quinn stopped stirring and looked at me with that look she has when she knows something.
"What's up, B?"
"She's considering dropping out. There's a part of me that wants to push her towards doing it, but then a bigger part wants her to keep going and not give up."
"And you want my advice?" She sighed and then looked at me with that arched eyebrow until I nodded. "She has...escorted a lot of people, and because of Marco setting up all the jobs, odds are they were his associates. Most of his acquaintances here were through school. He did undergrad and law school at Columbia, so he knows a lot of people. No matter what she does, as long as she continues to live in this city, she's going to run into one of them."
"Even when she has though, like Nico, or the lawyer at the courthouse or Tucker...it's been fine."
"And most of them will be fine. Marco made sure of that. He was efficient, but even he was unnerved by this guy." She poured the hot chocolate into the mugs and then filled them with marshmallows before wiping her hands off and pulling out her phone. She scrolled for a second, then handed me the phone with an email open. "They sent out a college-wide email about his dismissal from the school, how he won't be returning. All of his classes are being backfilled by the dean herself."
"Her?"
"Yup."
"And how many weeks are left?"
"Six...for San, five since she was excused this week."
I scrolled through the email. It was exactly like Quinn had said; Ana's name wasn't mentioned, but with her missing from Biology for the week, it wouldn't take much for people to put two and two together.
"Do you think she'll be safe?"
"There were announcements before all of my classes today about the zero-tolerance policy. Every class that I had with a male professor had a second professor sitting in on it. They are taking this seriously; I think she will be safe, Britt. Hands down."
"What about cross-country, do you think...that she should stop? She's so skinny now."
"Is she?"
"Yeah...it worries me."
"But don't they have guidelines? She can't be underweight or overweight."
"Yeah, but you remember her with Cheerios and track; she exercises enough so that she can hit her mark if she overeats. It becomes an obsession."
"I remember...who do you think helped Sue design the juice cleanse?"
"Ana, really?"
"Yup. If she is back to her old ways with food...cross-country is probably making her toe the line. If she drops under, she's off the team. I wouldn't take that from her; how will you be sure she's eating right then?"
"You're right; I still don't like the fact that she is falling back down into not eating right."
"It's a lifelong struggle for both of us, her more than me, but we both struggle with it. It doesn't go away, B."
The music stopped, and so did our conversation; Ana wouldn't like it that we were having this serious a talk about her.
"Shall we take her some hot chocolate?" Quinn asked with that blank stare of hers that always seemed crazy like she was staring right through your soul.
"Can you take it up? I want to go see the kids."
"Sure thing. Beth is in bed with Dani just so you know."
"That's sweet."
"She didn't have a choice; Dani is just as bossy as her Mami."
"I heard that." Ana said as she made her way down the stairs with a tissue pressed to her nose. It was red with her blood, every nosebleed always made me anxious...they'd always meant drugs...but I was sure there was nothing at the apartment.
My wife, though, always had her ways.
"I said what I said, here I made you hot chocolate."
"No thanks, Q. Gotta take care of this." She said and then winked at me before heading down the hall towards our bedroom.
Quinn gave me a look and then handed me the cups.
"Make her drink some at least; she barely ate dinner."
"Or lunch." I added.
Quinn grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl and handed it to me.
"If not the hot chocolate, at least the banana. Her body might need the sugar and carbs."
"Thanks, Q...feel free to sleep on the sofa bed upstairs instead of that hard floor; it's super comfy."
"Nah, I promised the kiddos I'd sleep in there...so once I'm done my hot chocolate, I'm going back in."
When I got to the room, Ana wasn't there. I put down the hot chocolates and the banana and went in search of her.
The closet was empty, but the bathroom door was closed, and her Gloria Estefan was playing.
After the nosebleed, I was on edge, so I expected the door to be locked because she could be hiding something, but it was unlocked.
She sat on the floor of the tub, talking in a hushed voice until she saw me. "Britt's here; I need to go. Thanks for this...I know but thank you."
When she hung up, she smiled up at me, her nose still stained red.
"Who was that?"
"Sugar. I called her, told her that I needed her to shadow me when I go back to school...just for a few days. Luckily, F. spring break is next week, so she won't even be missing classes."
"Well...that...uh...worked out." I could feel how I was flailing and probably looking super suspicious.
"I didn't snort anything...not today." She said as she fiddled with her phone, she wouldn't look at me, but I could tell by her posture, the way she seemed nervous, that she was trying to be honest. "The last time was Lake George...with the Xanax which has been causing these nosebleeds randomly. Snorting opioids is worse than coke...lesson learned."
"Is that what happened tonight, just another effect of something you did last week?"
"I've wrecked my sinuses over the years...or you know, it's allergy season. All I know is that I was into my music...playing hard, and then there was a drop of blood on the keys...and another. It reminded me of when the piano lid split my hand open...and I got blood on my pressure Butterfly."
"Was that the name of your piano?"
"Yeah." She looked up at me then and gave me a half-smile. "I came in here...wondering if you'd take a bath with me, but then I was thinking about school, how I couldn't be anxious there, so I stopped to call Sugar. I may not go back next semester, but I plan to finish out this one. I hope that's okay...that I called Sugar instead of Nico? I don't want him involved...I don't want anyone's blood on my hands...again. I'm trying to be better, but I really don't want to be alone, Britt Britt."
"Because you don't trust yourself?" I wouldn't have asked that question, but I needed to know where her head was.
"I don't ever really trust myself...no, it's more because everything with Dr. Cray...it haunts me. Sometimes it's light, and other times it becomes too much."
"Maybe a quick shower would be better, Baby. I really want to take you to bed and make you feel whole again as many times as it takes."
"Okay...but...uh...would it be okay if we just cuddled? You've been doing everything you can to erase him...for days, and I have other needs too...like getting my cuddle on."
"Whatever you want, baby."
So we took a quick shower and then cuddled in bed with our cold hot chocolate.
"B?"
"Yes, love?"
"I think I need to go back on a meal plan...like in triage...I feel like the dial is being turned up. Like, I can't control anything but this...I don't want it to get out of control."
"Okay, well, tomorrow, we will make a meal plan for us both since I have been eating all the calories you don't. If I show up to work in June with extra weight, everyone will give me shit. We can do it together."
"You're not mad?"
"Of course not. I'm proud of you for telling me."
I leaned over her and kissed her, she let out a little moan, and I was on her then.
We made out like we used to in high school, and she was actually touching me without me asking her to.
It felt good to just touch and feel each other.
But then the phone rang a ringtone I hadn't heard before, and Ana grumbled.
"Fucking Rachel Berry!" I grunted while she sat up and reached for her phone.
"Do you have to get it?" I whined, and she looked at it, then up at me.
"I do. I promised. Sorry, B...feel free to spank me later." She said with a wink.
I wanted to say, it's not like she doesn't break a promise, but the look in her eyes made me stop.
She never stopped sexy times unless she had a good reason, and even though it was Rachel, she obviously felt like this was a good reason.
"I might take you up on that."
I straddled her and waited for her to pick up the phone, she looked conflicted, and I was probably not helping but couldn't help it...I had needs too. Right then, it was just to be as close to her as possible.
Santana's POV
The last thing that I wanted to do at that moment was to answer my phone.
But it was Rachel's ringtone, and I couldn't ignore it.
We had an agreement since we got sober that if either of us felt like we were at our limits, we could call the other.
Britt straddled my thighs and looked down at me with her sad panda face...but I couldn't ignore Rachel.
The call stopped and then started again; it had to be bad if she called back.
Especially since Rachel never called me...ever.
"I'm so sorry, Britt Britt...I have to-"
She held up her hand, cutting me off, and climbed down from the bed.
"Just answer it." She said coldly as she left the room, taking the congealed hot/cold chocolate with her.
"Shit." I muttered as I slid a shaky finger across the screen to answer it.
It didn't escape my notice that it was just after two in the morning.
"Oh Yahweh...Santana, please answer." Rachel was rambling as I pressed my phone against my ear.
"Rachel? What is it?" I said, tentatively holding back my anger just in case this was serious.
"You picked up! Oh, thank goodness. You have nooooo idea how bad...I need you, Santana Lopez."
Yea, there was the slur.
She was drunk after two years sober, which hurt me more than I had thought it would.
"Where are you?" I asked as I slipped from the bed and headed for my dresser to grab some clothes.
"Ummmm." I heard horns and then a screech of tires, then yelling.
I felt my blood pressure rise, and my ears start to burn.
"Rachel, are you standing in the street?"
Silence.
"...yep!" She said after letting out a loud burp.
"Get out of the street, get on the sidewalk and then hold your hand up."
"Um...okay."
I heard shuffling, and then I heard her breathing.
"Are you doing it?" I said as I pulled my shirt over my head.
"Hey, looooook...a cab."
"Get in the cab and put the phone on speaker for the driver."
There was more shuffling.
Thankfully the cab driver was a really nice guy who spoke Spanish.
I directed him to our apartment building and asked him to make sure that she was in the lobby before leaving.
He assured me that he would and told me that they were only about a ten-minute drive from my place, which was even better.
When I heard Rachel again, she sounded even worse.
"Santana?" Then I heard the sloshing of liquid.
"Are you still drinking?"
"Oh, look at that...are you coming? I need y-you."
"I'm coming downstairs now...I'm going to leave you on speaker...don't hang up."
And as if to prove a point...
What does she do?
She hung the fuck up.
I rushed through the living room in booty shorts and my moccasins, so preoccupied with trying to call Rachel back that I ran straight into Britt as I tried to call Rachel back.
"Fuck!" I said as I felt her firm body against mine and her hands gripping my arms so that I didn't fall.
I looked up into stormy blue eyes and saw how upset she was.
"Where are you going?"
"Rachel's drunk...she's meeting me in the lobby." I said, trying to pull from her grip.
"I'm coming with you."
"Fine...just... let's go." I said before nodding and shaking off her hands. "The cab is on its way."
I slapped the elevator button again, but it wasn't coming fast enough.
All I kept thinking was, what if Rachel left after the cabbie got her inside?
I had to be there for her...she needed me.
Britt could wait...I could wait...she needed me.
Brittany's POV
I tried so hard not to be annoyed.
How many times had Quinn done this very same thing for Santana?
Santana was a good friend to Rachel, and I was acting like a brat.
I guess I was just frustrated because we were finally getting somewhere...finally crossing the considerable gap that existed between us.
When I looked over at her, she had tears in her eyes, and I could see that her hands were gripping her phone so tight that her knuckles were white.
"Ana, you need to calm down."
"You don't get it, Brittany. If Rachel can't even stay sober..."
She was close to sobbing as we stood there waiting. I wrapped her in a hug and kissed her forehead. I had to be her strength, even if I was annoyed about this.
"We will stay down here with her; I'll let Quinn know. Okay?"
"Okay." She mumbled into my shoulder.
"Rachel has been clean for two years, baby...but she had a slip-up...just like you have. When you fall, what do you do?"
"Get back up."
"She'll get through this, and so will you, but don't let her being sober or not change what you're doing. Okay?"
"Okay." She squeaked.
We stepped into the elevator, and I held tight to her hand, which was still shaking.
"Do you need to call Walker?"
"No. I brought enough shit to her doorstep. It's fine." She wiped at her eyes and then stiffened her face up.
It was her war face; she was giving herself a single focus.
Rachel.
I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I collided with Ana's back.
She was just standing there in the lobby, with her mouth half open and her eyes as big as could be.
When I looked around her, I could see that Rachel was passed out across two chairs in nothing but oversized boxers and a bra.
"What the fuck, Berry?" Ana whispered suddenly alert again. "Can you help me carry her upstairs, B?"
"I'll carry her...but we aren't going to take her to our place. It's Izzy's birthday, he's having a sleepover with his Dama. We won't ruin their night."
Before I could move over towards Rachel, Ana grabbed my arm and whipped me around to face her.
"I never said that we were taking her to our place; I still have the keys to Sugar's place. She's staying on campus...I'll just stay with her."
"No." I said, ripping my arm from her tight hold. "I've seen her drunk, like this before. She'll either get you just as drunk as her, or she'll try to fuck you. You put me in charge, and I'm saying no." I stomped my foot, and Ana glared at me.
"Are we really doing this right now, Brittany?"
"Yes! I can't...we can't deal with this, Santana. You are barely doing well right now...we shouldn't be taking care of her."
"She is my friend, B. I can't just let her fall off the wagon. When I was in rehab, she'd visit me. She didn't want anyone to know, but she was keeping an eye out for me. Then when you broke up with me...and I felt like I wanted to snort so much coke that my lungs were full and my head was empty...it was Rachel fucking Berry that held my hand while I cried. So you know what, fuck you for thinking that I wouldn't return that favor...if you want to be a cold bitch...then go ahead. But I...am going to make sure that she is okay. Then I'm going to talk her through this because I know her, Britt, and this is not just something that she decided to do...something had to be seriously wrong. I can't leave her...not like this."
Passion.
I hadn't seen Ana show so much passion over anything like she was showing right now.
She was right.
We couldn't just leave Rachel like this.
I couldn't be selfish...even if I felt like I had every right to be.
Rachel had stepped up and been more than a friend to Ana. Even though she had helped me cheat on Ana way back when we first got to New York, Ana still trusted Rachel enough to sacrifice our free time to make sure that she got through this.
This was the Santana Lopez that I had fallen in love with when I was fifteen years old.
And right now, I could feel the heat underneath my skin as that feeling was firing up inside my heart.
I flashed her a smile and pulled her against me.
"Okay. We'll take her to Sugar's place, but I'm staying with you." I whispered.
"Yeah?" Her voice squeaked.
I could tell that she had been afraid of my response, but she had still stood her ground...putting all her faith in me...hoping that I trusted her enough to stand by her.
"Yes...I didn't realize how much she means to you. We'll be there for her while she comes down. You're right. I was a bitch, and I'm sorry."
Ana brushed Rachel's hair from her face and then spoke into her ear harshly. Rachel sat up slowly and then threw her arms around my wife and wept against her shoulder.
"I'm soooo sorry. I t-tried." She said, and Ana just nodded and helped her to her feet.
When my wife looked up at me, I could see the worry in her eyes. We took a walk to the service elevator and rode up to the 7th floor in silence.
Once we were there, Ana opened the door and led Rachel inside.
Then my wife turned to me looking antsy...her cravings were alive and well, but she was trying to focus, "You need to check the place for alcohol and put it out of reach. Can you do that, B?"
"Of course."
While I stashed the alcohol away higher than both Ana and Rachel could reach, she was taking care of Rachel.
The harsh sound of vomiting tore through the air as I walked into the guest room, but Rachel was passed out on the bed.
When I checked in the bathroom, Ana was resting her sweaty forehead against the toilet seat and weeping.
"Oh, baby...it's going to be okay...shhh...please don't cry." I whispered as I fell to my knees and pulled her hair back, some of it wet from falling into the toilet.
She didn't look at me as she lunged forward and hacked into the toilet again.
I pulled the twisty tie from my hair, bunched her hair into a messy bun before getting up and filling a cup with water, and grabbing a hand towel.
She sat back on her knees and looked at me with weary eyes.
"I'm so tired of fighting, B." She said in a scratchy voice.
"I know, baby...I know." I was kneeling again, brushing the towel across her sweaty forehead.
"Please don't be upset with me. I know usually I'm the strong one but lately...I just feel like I'm fighting so hard every single fucking day just to be like everyone else, and I'm so, so tired, B. You were right; this is too much, but...I can't just leave her."
"Shh, I'm here okay, for the both of you. You don't need to be the strong one...all you have to do is take it a day at a time. That's it."
"That's it?"
"Yes. Can you do that?"
"Yes."
"Good, I've got the rest."
I hated to see her like this.
What happened to the smiles from earlier when we were celebrating Izzy?
How had that faded so fast?
Rachel couldn't be the whole reason for this much hurt; not even Dr. Cray could. I could see it in her eyes, how close she was to giving up.
I wanted everyone to back the fuck off, but she wasn't the kind of friend to leave people hanging.
Santana Lopez was the most loyal friend.
My best friend used to only be in things for herself until I taught her to rise above it. I couldn't be more proud of the kind of friend she'd become, but Mom always says that sometimes you have to be your own best friend, which Ana needed.
For me to show her how to be her own best friend, so I did the only thing I could think of at that moment.
I pressed my lips to her cheek and then rested my forehead against hers and looked into her eyes.
She closed her eyes, and the tears tracked down her cheeks.
I kissed the tears and then kissed her lips.
She took greedy breaths through her nose as she crashed her lips against mine.
Then she pulled back and threw her arms over my shoulders, and began sobbing against my neck.
"I don't want to be a fuck up anymore." She whispered before kissing me behind my ear. "I wish that I could start over."
"You can." I said as I rubbed her back. I sat back slowly and pulled her light body into my lap as I leaned against the wall.
When she tried to pull away, I just held her tighter until she gave in and entirely rested her body against me.
"How?"
"You can start over and over again...as many times as you want. We can go anywhere in the world...we can be anyone you want to be. Just don't give in to the bad feelings, and when you feel like this...just be open with me, and I will help you through it...until you feel strong enough."
"You make it sound so easy."
"Because when it's you and me...together...it is easy."
Santana's POV
I wished that I could have stayed cradled against Britt forever.
Because she made me feel safe and complete, but that wasn't how it could be.
I knew that there was so much work to be done.
So many things needed to be discussed, but at that moment, as she traced her fingers up and down my arm, it felt just as easy as she said it could be.
Back in the beginning...before I knew about sex and drugs...when it was just me and my piano...that was when things were easy.
Now though...so much of that girl was gone.
I was a woman torn to pieces inside, and everyone around me was the same.
We had all been worn down to our limits, and yet we still fought.
But did that ever end?
Was there ever a time when things got easy again?
"B? I think...that I need to not go to school anymore."
"Hmm?"
I looked up and could see that her eyes were closed, and her head was rested back against the wall.
I pressed my ear against her chest and just comforted myself with the sound of her heart beating.
Knowing that it beat for our kids and for me more than anything.
"I don't think that life is meant for me...it's not my dream. I'm barely playing my piano anymore...I'm not singing."
"My songbird." She whispered as her hands squeezed me tighter.
"I'm going to drop out." I said out loud to myself for the first time.
Suddenly she was alert as she met my eyes.
"Are you dropping out because you are afraid that nothing will happen with Dr. Cray?"
My heart started racing as I thought back to that afternoon pressed against his office wall as he came all over me.
I felt nausea rip through me again, leaped from Britt's arms, and barely made it to the toilet before gagging into the bowl.
Some of the acids came out of my nose, and I felt like I was suddenly there, and it was happening all over again.
Why was my life so fucked up?
I couldn't deal anymore.
When I felt like there was nothing left in my stomach, I pushed up from the floor and swallowed down the cool water that Britt had handed me.
She was watching me like I was going to break at any moment.
I flashed her a smile and then walked straight towards the door.
And she wasn't trying to stop me.
She knew me...she knew that I needed to move and that I needed to not think.
I walked into the bedroom and was surprised to see Rachel sitting up in bed and scrolling through her phone.
"Hey." I said, sitting on the edge of the bed and pushing her legs over.
She looked up at me and flushed red.
"Hi." She said before dropping her phone down and looking at me full-on with big apologetic eyes. "I'm so sorry about all of this...I heard you in the bathroom...I should have just gone back to the apartment and dealt with my situation instead of bringing you into it."
I shook my head at her and then put my hand on her shoulder.
"Listen, Berry, there is no way that going back to the apartment to fix any situation in your condition would have helped matters. Besides, I'm glad that you called me."
A small smile crept across her lips as she nodded.
"I figured you would be...I know how much you hate to be in anyone's debt."
I shook my head and reached up to push her damp hair from her eyes.
"It's so not about that...it's about being a true friend. It's about being what you needed at that exact moment. You hit a low tonight, and while I wish that you had called me before you drank...I'm glad that you called me after."
"I don't even know what happened...one minute I'm yelling at Noah for fucking up things for me...the next...I'm at a bar, and guys are buying me shots. I don't know how I ended up dressed like this...or if I slept with anyone...and if I did...I'm no better than Noah." She rambled.
"Why do you say that? What did he fuck up?"
"Well...oh hey, Brittany..." She said. I looked behind me in enough time to see Britt smile, and then she handed Rachel a glass and some pills. "Thank you so much! I can already feel my hangover sneaking up on me."
"No problem. Drink that water and take those pills before you go to sleep." Rachel saluted her and did as she said right away before handing the glass back. Then Britt kissed my temple. She said, pressing her lips to my temple, "I'm going to go check on the kids and let Quinn know what's going on. She's already texted. Oh, and I'll grab our pillows. I will be right back, okay?" I nodded, and she kissed me once more before leaving the room.
Rachel followed Britt out of the room with her eyes and then stared at the door for a long moment before looking back at me.
"I'm really sorry about this, Santana."
"Tell me...about you and Puck." I couldn't linger on how sorry she was; I needed to know what was going on.
"We got married...because...I got pregnant." I felt my eyes bug out as I looked at her...because now this was even worse. I went to speak, but she shook her head and took a deep breath. "I lost the baby like a day later...while we were still on the cruise. We decided not to separate because we really do love each other. Anyway...I went to the doctor today, and they told me that I'm pregnant again. I freaked out...I don't know what to do...and then I got back to the apartment, and he's making out with some random girl...on the same couch where his little girl watches her cartoons. I...didn't tell him about the baby. I don't even know if I should."
"Wait...what do you mean?"
"I might get rid of it."
I shook my head.
"You can't...Rachel...that's a life, and you of all people won't forgive yourself."
"I don't need the lecture...I get it...you're super Catholic, and so is everyone else but me and Noah...I understand how you feel about this, but I just don't think motherhood is for me. I'm not like you...I can't give up my dreams to be someone's mother. I'm way too selfish."
I nodded, feeling the sting of her words. Had I given up my life?
Absolutely not; I loved my babies.
"You need to decide what you are going to do...and you need to talk to Puck about it without getting drunk."
"I know...I am...I...are you disappointed in me?"
"Yea...I am." I said honestly.
She nodded and then brushed her fingers through her hair before giving me a sad smile.
"I don't want this baby, Santana. And I would really appreciate it if you didn't say anything to anyone about it."
"I can't do that, Rachel...not forever, I'm sorry. I won't tell Puck, that's for you to do but know that I can't hold that kind of secret...he can't...this is going to really hurt him if he finds out down the road that you did this and I didn't tell him and if he knows that I knew and didn't tell him...he would never forgive me."
"I thought you were loyal?"
"Fuck you, Berry...if I wasn't, do you think you would be here right now?"
She nodded and then sat back against the pillows.
"Sorry...that was...low. You're right...I shouldn't ask that of you. Especially after everything with Brittany...I was stupid to even ask."
"My kids are the best things in my life...I can still live my life and my dreams, and so can you. Look at Quinn...she's almost done pre-med...she's about to go do her internship while Puck stays with Beth...you don't think he would do that for you...his wife...and his kid?"
She closed her eyes and pressed her fingers to her temples.
"Yea...I guess you're right...he would."
"You aren't the only one that this affects...and I won't begin to tell you what to do with your body...but just think hard about this."
She nodded and then leaned forward.
"I'm going to hug you now...okay?"
I smiled and held my arms open.
"Get over here, Rachel."
Life had sure changed.
I was talking Rachel Berry down from the ledge and hugging her willingly.
She snuggled against my chest and, within seconds, was back to sleep.
I laid her back and pressed a kiss to her head before resting my hand against her lower abdomen.
I couldn't get myself to feel anything about what she was thinking of doing.
Puck would break apart if she kept a secret like that from him...and I really didn't want to see that happening.
He was a good guy...and he tried really hard, even if he did make some really dumb decisions.
I just hoped that she took my advice and talked to him first.
He deserved that much.
Cheater or not.
As I shut the door to the bedroom, Britt came out of the second bedroom in a sports bra, baggy shorts, and a smirk.
"I was just about to come get you."
"What's with the shorts?"
She grinned.
"Just get in here and strip." She said, pulling me into the room.
"Britt?" I said as I closed the door and made my way over to the bed.
"Strip."
"B?" I whispered...feeling the immediate wetness pooling in my panties.
"Do as I say...and don't turn around."
She had a lightness to her voice that had me wishing that I could see the look in her eyes that I was sure would send me flying into her arms.
I wanted her so badly, but I am a Lopez...and we are a bit dramatic...so I slowly peeled out of my shirt and then bent almost completely over and shook my ass as I lowered my sweatpants and panties in one go.
I heard her clear her throat and chuckled to myself, slowly running my hands up my sides as I stood up.
"Anything else, Britt Britt."
I made to turn my head, but before I could turn completely, I felt her warmth surrounding me and something poking my ass.
Instead of responding, she wrapped her arm around my waist and used her other hand to brush my stray hairs from my neck.
I shivered as I felt her breath tickle the skin just where my shoulder met my neck.
She was in the mood to tease...and I needed her so much that I couldn't hold back the groan of frustration that left my lips.
"Be patient." She whispered before lowering her lips and nipping at my flesh.
The sting sent jolts of pleasure through my body as she sucked lightly at the place that she had bitten.
She was grinding against my ass, and I loved every second of it.
I felt so safe and loved as I rested fully against her, my head lolling onto her shoulder as her fingers played with my nipples.
"Feel good?" She asked as she kissed my neck, still squeezing my nipples, hips still pressing urgently against my ass.
"Fuck...yes...B...you feel so, so good."
"I'm going to make you remember that you are good enough and that you can be everything that you want to be."
Hearing those words...and feeling her body surrounding me made my heart race.
My mind understood, and my heart still felt...but my soul...was on the fence.
I was still on the fence.
My eating disorder was back...full force...worse than I was openly admitting.
An hour ago, I was still craving cocaine, and doubt had been clouding my mind so bad that it had made me physically sick.
But even through all the fog of negativity that was standing in my way of success...Brittany was still there.
Still loving me...still pushing me beyond my limits.
Pushing me to find the me that I was meant to be, instead of the version of me I was settling for.
It should have made me happy.
But it just scared the shit out of me.
Her touch was firm yet tender as she walked us forward until my thighs were touching the bed.
I knew what she was doing, and in all the years we had been together, this was the position that I had resisted as much as possible because it had Marco written all over it.
"What are you doing, Britt?" I whispered as she pressed lightly on my back so that I would bend forward across the bed.
"No more barriers...I don't want there to be any action to remind you of bad memories. I want you to always think of me...and this has belonged to Marco for way too long...and so it is the first thing that I'm taking back."
I swallowed hard as she ran her hand soothingly over my back, immediately calming me down.
The thoughts of Marco holding me down, still present in the front of my mind.
She leaned over me and kissed the back of my neck as her hands caressed my arms and my sides so sweetly.
Her touch was still tender and firm.
"I love you." She kissed my shoulders. "I love you." She held my hands in hers. "I love you." She raked her nails delicately down my back. "I love you." I shuddered as she trailed kisses down my spine. "I love you, Santana." She said as her fingers squeezed my ass and then tapped it lightly. "I love you more than life and death and everything in between."
I could feel wetness soaking the tops of my thighs as she pressed against me again.
"Oh, God." I whispered as she brought her hands to firmly grasp my hips.
"I love you." She said again as she massaged my hips, and then when her lips came down and met the five straight healing cuts that curved around my side and I cried out in shock, she murmured. "I love you. No one can take that from us. No one." I heard her voice break on the last word as she kissed each cut individually and then brushed her fingers over them. "I love you." She said with so much emotion in her voice that I felt my heart clench.
I was grinding back against her now...needing her so badly. All thoughts of Marco gone from my mind as I tried to get her to take me.
"Please, Britt."
I heard her chuckle as she pushed the tip of the strap between my legs until it bumped my clit.
"Not yet...be patient." She said as she ran her fingers over my ass and then down until she was gripping my thighs. "Spread your legs."
My toes were the only thing touching the floor as I spread my legs as far as possible.
When I did, I could feel that the sheet that I was resting against was soaked through.
"I need you, B." I whined as her fingers grazed my clit.
"Mmmm...I can feel that. Be still."
I stopped wiggling my ass just as I heard a whizzing sound and then a smack before the pain of her hand connecting with my ass made me jump.
"B!" I gasped.
"I love you." She said before I heard that sound again, and my ass was feeling the impact of her hand.
"Please." I moaned.
In my lust-filled mind...I could grasp that she was changing my idea of punishment...my idea of pain. She was owning every bad action ever done to me and making me crazy for her touch...even the sting.
"I love you." She said as she brought her hand down quickly another four times in succession.
With each slap, I was brushing against the bed and stimulating myself.
I was so turned on.
"Oh, my...oh Britt." I groaned, needing to cum but knowing that I wasn't going to try not to until she was ready for it to happen.
By the fourth slap, I was moaning and pressing my ass into the air, awaiting the next slap that was going to push me over the edge.
I pressed my ass up and shook it, waiting for her hand to come down...but it never did.
Instead, she was pressing against me and rubbing the sting away from my flesh.
"I love you."
And I believed it with my everything.
My body was vibrating with the love that she was giving me.
It was quickly becoming my world, my happiness.
Brittany's POV
I didn't think she would respond like this.
I didn't think that she would let me go past her limits.
I had been searching for this in all those other people...but I never felt satisfied.
Until now.
This was where I belonged.
Never was I more sure of that than now.
I pressed a kiss to her neck and then wrapped my hands around her waist.
At moments like this, I wished that I could actually feel what it was like to be inside her.
I'm sure I'm not the first to feel that way either.
I took my time pressing into her and enjoyed the sound of her moaning out my name. I pressed down into her until I could feel that her wetness pressed against my hips.
She was trying to hump against me, but I held her hips in place and then kissed her back again.
"I love you." I said as I felt her squirming beneath me.
"Fuck...I love you too...move...please?"
"How do you want it, Ana?"
"Start slow...just...move...I'm begging, Brittany."
I smiled to myself as I kissed her neck once more before standing up and then pulling back, watching until I was almost out of her, and then I pushed really, really slowly back in.
She hissed and then tried to thrust her hips back, but I held her still.
"You wanted it slow...are you changing your mind?" As I finally met her skin and then slowly pulled all the way back again.
This was the true test...Marco used to take her fast and hard from behind, and I was never allowed to do that.
For a while, it was always slow and tender between us until she got comfortable...except back here...just didn't happen.
I would know now, though...with her response whether she still had fears of Marco in her head.
"Fuck...please...hard...I want you to fuck me...love me and fuck me...please?" She begged.
I grinned so hard as I pushed forward with more force, and she groaned.
"Like that?" I said, enjoying the sounds that she was making.
"Yes! Harder...fuck...yes!" I began to pound into her, feeling more confident with her urging me on, harder and faster.
"I love you. I love you. I love you." I was chanting as I felt my need build up.
"Uh...uh...uh...uh...Britt! Oh...yes...yes...yes."
She was gripping the sheets hard as I kept going harder and twisting my hips.
I reached forward and placed my hands on top of hers, linking our fingers together as I worked every muscle in my back, listening to her grunting and moaning below me.
"Are you close?" I whispered against her neck.
"Ummm hmmm." She said as she bit down on her bottom lip.
"Let go."
Her mouth hung open as her body started shaking underneath me.
"Britt! B...oh God. Brittany!" She screamed out my name, and I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. I continued to pump inside of her, slowly riding out her orgasm. "I love you...so fucking much! Thank you."
"Tired?" I asked, knowing that I had more energy than I should as the sun was starting to rise, even though we'd barely slept.
"Yes." She whispered as she closed her eyes and let out small moans. That's when I realized that I hadn't stopped moving inside of her.
When I went to pull out, she opened her eyes again.
"Don't...just stay...a little bit longer." She whispered.
"I want to...just let's climb up on the bed." I said...feeling my knees want to give out.
She groaned and then nodded. "Fine."
I pulled out of her and then waited as she crawled onto her side and rested her head against the pillow.
When I moved behind her, she lifted her leg and pressed her ass back until I pushed inside of her again.
She hissed, and I was ready to pull back out, but she pulled my arms tightly around her and pressed into my lap as I spooned her.
"Perfect." She whispered in a sleepy voice.
"Are you sure?" I asked, but she never answered as a soft snore came from her lips.
I smiled and then kissed her shoulder before pulling the comforter over our bodies.
"I love you." She mumbled.
"I love you too, Ana." I said before closing my eyes and letting sleep take over.
"Oh, God...Britt...please...wake up."
I opened my eyes and felt Ana squirming against me.
We were still sandwiched together as I felt her pulling at my arms.
"Huh?"
"I have to pee...I need...oh God...I need you to pull out of me."
Suddenly everything came rushing back to me, and I realized that I was still inside of her.
I pulled out of her and rolled onto my back.
Before I could speak, she was out of the bed and flying across the room.
I smiled to myself as I saw my handprints on her ass just before she closed the door behind her.
How long had she been trying to wake me?
I wiggled out of the strap-on and tossed it to the side before rolling onto my stomach and stretching.
The clock told me that we had only been asleep for an hour.
We had to go back upstairs by ten since Q had class. So she'd need to deal with Rachel while I took the kids to daycare and scheduled time to see her therapist.
Our day would be full of stuff, so I gave up on the idea of going back to sleep and decided that I would just shower instead.
Even with only an hour of sleep, I was feeling energized and content.
Hopefully, Ana was feeling the same way.
I pushed the bathroom door open, and she was still sitting on the toilet staring blankly at the wall.
"You okay?" I said as I brushed my hair from my face.
Her eyes met mine, and I could see that her mind was all over the place.
"I'm pretty sure that if you could have...I would so be pregnant right now." She whispered as she flinched.
"Did I hurt you?" I said as I brushed my fingers over her cheek.
"No...I'm not sure how I feel right now, actually."
That didn't sound good.
I reached past her and turned on the shower before meeting her eyes again nervously.
"Tell me that you aren't upset with me." I begged.
Her eyes all of a sudden were looking at me with confusion.
"No...if anything...you fixed something in me. I just...don't feel as...broken? As dirty?"
Relief filled me. She wasn't confused about us...but how she felt.
That I could deal with.
"Come shower with me?" I asked, holding my hand out to her, not caring if she had wiped herself...after you have held a bloody baby straight out of their mother... those kinds of things don't gross you out anymore.
She nodded and slid her hand into mine, letting me lead her into the shower.
"Britt?" She pulled at my hand before she stepped into the shower.
"Yea?"
"Thank you so much for that. I needed that more than I realized. I needed you."
I watched in awe as the water washed over her.
She smiled at me and then leaned in to crash her lips against mine.
"Baby?"
"Hmm?"
"Finish the semester. Don't let him win." She looked at me with her thoughts swirling and then nodded, settled.
"Okay. I can do that."
"I'm so proud of you."
"And I hope you never stop."
Santana's POV
My heart felt so full as I showered with Britt.
Each time we were together intimately, she was breaking down another one of my walls.
It's like she was refusing to let me wallow in what happened while reminding me who she was and how much she loved me.
"I love you." I said softly as I gripped her waist.
She groaned against my lips and nodded.
"I know."
"I'm yours, B."
"I know."
"And you're mine."
"Make me." She smiled as she looked into my eyes with so much lust, and then I remembered how she hadn't cum earlier. Which was totally not cool.
It felt impossible, but my heart seemed to grow even bigger as I skipped the foreplay, knowing that, like always, she would be wet for me.
I sucked at her neck as I pressed my fingers against her entrance.
"You're mine." I growled.
"Yesssss." She hissed as I pushed inside of her.
I gripped her leg and pulled it around my waist as I ground against her in the corner of the shower, the steaming water pounding against my back.
"How do you want me, Britt?" Although I knew that she liked it hard.
"Go slow...please?" Her eyes opened, and suddenly I was sucked into the certainty in her eyes.
She normally hated me to go slow with her.
"You gave me something...and so it's my turn. Make me feel this...feel you." She said.
With Brittany...there is always a message beneath her words. Now that she was saying those words, I thought back to all the times that we'd ever had sex and how rushed it was...how she was always egging me on to move fast and give her more.
Never less...never slow...never tender.
How had I not seen that before?
"Are you sure?" I asked as I worked my fingers slowly inside of her, watching as her eyes filled with more than lust and shined brightly with love.
"Too...ugh...too long...it's been about the thrill...not about the love. I want to feel you...please?" She squeaked out, her blue eyes standing out starkly with the tears that were on the verge of spilling down her cheeks.
"I love you so much, Brittany." I said as I continued to move slowly.
She bit her lip and then nodded as the tears spilled down her cheeks.
"Uh...soooo...mmmm." She moaned out as her eyes locked with mine.
"You're mine." I whispered as I leaned in and nipped her lip.
"Y-yours."
She came hard around my fingers as she leaned forward and bit into my shoulder.
The pain of her teeth scrapping my flesh made me jerk forward and brush her clit.
Her legs shook as another orgasm shook her.
"Fuck." I muttered as her hand came out of nowhere and entered me from behind. I rested my head on her shoulder as I worked my fingers deeper inside of her.
We were moaning together now as her other hand brushed mine.
She was coming down from her own orgasm and taking me from the front and the back now.
My hands fell slack against my sides as I leaned into her, and she worked me up to my own orgasm.
"Mine." She growled.
"Yours." I whispered.
"Yours." She said as she kissed my face.
"Mine." I said as I looked into her eyes.
And even without me touching her, she came shuddering against my leg that was still between her legs as she brought me to a mind-shattering bliss.
It was the closest that I had ever been to heaven.
We had shared control...shared love.
Given of ourselves and taken for ourselves.
And it felt so fucking amazing.
I just wanted to stay like this forever.
"If that...is what Quinn and I subjected you to when we were together...from the bottom of my heart...I sincerely apologize."
I couldn't hold back my laughter as I entered the kitchen, and Rachel was handing me a coffee mug.
Thank God for Sugar keeping the apartment stocked with food; I wanted to keep Rachel out of Quinn's sight for as long as possible.
There was no way that Q would go easy on her, and the morning after a relapse, she needed firm but friendly.
Quinn was only one of those things when it came to Rachel.
She looked freshly showered and was filling out the clothes that I left for her much better than I had been lately.
I needed to get my shit together.
How was Britt even attracted to me like this?
"Were we loud?" Britt asked as she began to pour cereal into two bowls.
Rachel nodded and sipped her coffee.
"Yes...but I must admit...it was hot." She said before turning towards Britt and watching her with a little too much interest.
She placed a hand on her stomach, and I swear that I could actually see the wheels turning in her head.
Suddenly, I knew what she wanted to ask Britt, and I couldn't let it happen.
Britt was in a fragile place too, she was just better at hiding it, and I was pretty sure that she hadn't brought her meds down...Rachel did not want an unfiltered Brittany.
It seemed like my only job that morning was to save her from herself and everyone else.
"Rachel...why don't you go take another shower? You still smell like booze."
She shook from her thoughts and looked at me with a twisted-up expression. It had been a bit harsh, but right now, the last thing that Britt needed was to think about that.
I glared at her until I knew that she got my point.
"Um...yea...okay. Thank you both, once again for last night." She muttered before leaving the kitchen and quickly closed the bedroom door.
Britt put the bowls on the table and then walked over and took the mug from my hands and put it on the countertop behind me.
She brought my hands to her lips and kissed my fingers before meeting my eyes.
"What was she about to say before you stopped her?"
"Forget about it...I don't want to ruin how great we feel."
"Tell me...I'm sure I would rather hear it from you than from her anyway."
"It's about...your ummm." All this time, and I still couldn't say the word to her face.
Her eyes darkened, and she rolled the word in her mouth before looking me in the eyes and nodding.
"About the abortion?"
"Uh...yea."
She nodded and turned from me, heading to the table.
Even though I knew that she would try to let it roll off her back, I could see the tension in her shoulders because no matter how much time went by, it would always be a tough thing for us to talk about.
When she got to the table and saw that I wasn't with her, she sighed and pointed at the chair across from her.
"Come eat...I know how much you hate soggy cereal."
I nodded and didn't argue.
There was no way that I would add to the discomfort that she was now feeling. I had my own battles to fight, and I knew that she would rather deal with those.
She watched me the entire time that I ate, and even though it should bother me...I knew that she was worried about me.
I knew that she was obsessing about the way I looked.
More than I was.
And I knew more than anything that she really just needed to not think about the abortion for a moment, so I would gladly be her distraction, especially if it spared her just an ounce of pain.
I slurped the milk from my bowl and then placed it down on the table with a thud before looking up and meeting Britt's eyes.
The tension was still making her hunch a bit which even she couldn't make look graceful. The time to avoid the topic had passed.
Her brow was twisted up, and her eyes were wide as she looked at me with a bit of fear in her eyes.
"Now...be honest..tell me...is she pregnant?"
I nodded my head and then stood from my chair and grabbed my coffee. I was totally uncomfortable and was praying that Rachel would hurry her ass up so that I didn't get stuck in this conversation.
Britt turned in her seat and looked at me with raised eyebrows.
She wasn't done questioning me, and I hated it.
"It's Puck's, isn't it?"
"Yes." I said before taking a long sip from my mug as I rested my sore ass against the countertop, remembering how much I enjoyed her spanking me and how now it was reminding me who was in control here.
My life had been spiraling for too long, and I had willingly asked her to take charge, so even if this made me way too uncomfortable, I wouldn't back down.
"How serious are they?" Britt asked as she began to collect our empty bowls and make her way past me towards the sink.
My skin tingled as she brushed by me.
I was so distracted by the way that I felt that I didn't even notice Rachel standing beside me.
"We're married." I turned to see Rachel and sniffed. She smelled way better and once again looked way better in a pair of my skinny jeans and an adorable top.
Britt nodded as if this news didn't surprise her.
"And you want to get rid of the baby?"
Britt's voice sounded chipper to the unobservant listener, but I could hear the strain there as she talked about this.
She was scrubbing her bowl diligently as if it had stuck on crud, but it was clean...she was just trying to not break down.
Right now...I hated Rachel so much for bringing this up.
I rested a hand on Britt's arm and leaned in to whisper something comforting, but she shook her head and began rinsing the bowls.
"Don't." She whimpered, and so I pulled back and continued drinking my coffee while watching her closely.
"I did...until Santana talked me out of it last night. I just can't do that...even I'm not that selfish." She tried to joke, but it fell flat.
Finally, Britt met my eyes with relief all over her face before letting out a deep breath and then finally looking at Rachel, who was still on the other side of me.
Of all places to stand, why did I choose to stand here. It was awkward standing between them, but neither noticed as they continued to talk across me.
"Oh...that's good."
"I'm going to talk to Noah about what we are going to do when I get back home...but I'm going to keep it. Broadway isn't going anywhere, right?"
I looked over and saw that Rachel was fighting not to cry.
And just like that, Britt had dried her hands and was holding Rachel in her arms and was whispering against the side of her face.
Even though they were directly in front of me now, I couldn't hear what she was saying to Rachel, but I knew that Britt was trying her best to comfort her.
And of course...just like the effect Britt always has on people...Rachel pulled away with a small smile on her face as she looked back at me.
"Thank you for last night."
I shook my head and placed my empty mug in the sink.
"Just tell me that you won't be repeating it and that you will be going to a meeting...that's all the thanks I need."
Rachel placed a tentative hand to her stomach and then looked at me.
"I definitely learned my lesson, and I will be dragging Noah to a meeting with me as soon as I can. I think he needs to see how fragile I am...because apparently, my dominance threatens his manhood." She said, rolling her eyes.
I laughed, wondering fleetingly if her wearing my clothes had an effect on her actions as well.
"He has a type and needs to accept that. If he says that again, remind him that it was me who took his virginity and not him that took mine. He also has a kid with Quinn...we were the most dominant bitches in the school." I said, but then Britt rolled her eyes at me, and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
Thankfully, she didn't call me out, so I wasn't dominant in our bed...but that didn't mean I wasn't topping Puck at every moment.
Brittany's POV
"How was she?"
"This morning was better than last night." I said to Quinn while we sat in the lobby drinking coffee. Ana was in the daycare watching Izzy move up to the 3-year old class with Beth while I answered Quinn's questions about Rachel. Izzy wouldn't want to stay at daycare if he saw Ana and me together; he'd get all wound up thinking we were leaving him there so we could go have fun.
Therapy was not a fun thing, but he didn't know that.
So I let Ana have this moment because, at the end of the year, Dani would be turning 3, and we'd be doing it all over again.
"I can't believe she relapsed. Noah is going to flip."
Puck had been silent as he crept up behind us. "What am I going to flip about? Hey Britt! How was the kid's birthday?" He threw his arm over our shoulders happily. Quinn froze and looked from me to him. We hadn't discussed what to say about Rachel. "Where's Beth?"
"She's in the daycare with San. Izzy is moving into the next class. There's a short ceremony. She should be out soon."
"Great because she starts school at 12, and I want to get some park time in before I take her."
Ana came out of the daycare, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue while holding tight to Beth's hand. When she saw her father, she tore from Ana and came straight towards us.
"Daddy!" He picked her up and swung her around. She whooped and then covered her mouth. "Sorry! That was loud!"
Puck kissed Ana's cheek and then shot a look at Quinn.
"You didn't answer my question; what am I flipping about?"
"Quinn...it's not your place." Ana cut in, and Q sighed.
"Okay, baby girl, Mama has to get to class. Can I get a kiss before I go?" Quinn ignored us all in favor of talking only to Beth. It was cute.
While we all said our goodbyes, the service elevator dinged, and out stepped Rachel, looking very sober...which meant that she hadn't found the booze I'd stashed.
Puck looked at her and then at Quinn.
"Is that what I'm flipping about?"
"Not my place, Puck. I will see you tonight."
Once everyone was gone, and it was just Ana and me, she rested her head against my shoulder and sighed.
"I'm so glad not to be wrapped up in that triangle."
"You and me both, show me the video that you took." I said, changing the subject.
"You know me well." She handed me her phone, and I watched Izzy happily taking the green shirt of the 3s from his new teacher after hugging Dani.
"Put this in the file that we are saving to embarrass him later." I said, and Ana snickered.
"I made the appointment with Amy for 10:30. We should head out."
"Oh...yeah, okay."
"What's wrong?"
"So you know how I'm supposed to be wearing glasses?"
"You got Lasik at 16, though."
"But like, sometimes I still need them."
"Because your eyes suck, yes."
"Isaac's old teacher told me that we should get his vision checked. They were practicing reading their names, and he was having trouble; he's been squinting."
"Oh. I thought he was just being cute. We can make an appointment for him to get checked out after therapy."
"Okay."
"Are you hungry?"
"I had cereal. I'm good."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
She was on edge; it wasn't the glasses thing. It was more than that.
I had done everything the night before to fix things, but it hadn't worked, apparently.
"No. Stop it, B. I'm just tired. Between the sex and dealing with Rachel, I got no sleep. After therapy, maybe we can just come back and sleep for a few hours?"
"Sure, we can do that."
"And maybe...we can go to Scarsdale?"
"That was the plan; we only stayed in the city because it was Izzy's birthday, and he wanted a sleepover with Quinn."
"I know."
"So, after therapy, we'll go up to the house and sleep."
"I don't want to do this without you...come with me?"
I felt so raw, so open, and I hated it.
I hated the possibility of being rejected by those cool blue eyes that always see straight through to my soul.
But after what we had shared...I shouldn't have been so worried.
"Are you sure that you want me in there with you?"
I nodded, feeling relief wash over me.
"I'm positive."
I felt so safe and secure as she linked her pinky in mine and pulled me towards the office door.
"Then let's do this."
She smiled as she pushed the door open and waited for me to step inside the room first.
My nerves were rising as I stepped into my therapist's office for the first time since the incident with that creeper.
I knew that there was a ton to talk about. It made me nervous knowing that I had my therapist convinced that I wasn't holding back but, having Britt there would force her to see that I had been lying, which is why I wanted Britt to be there.
I needed to be forced to live outside of my comfort zone.
Because I was teetering on the precipice of so many different contradicting needs and wants and unhealthy desires.
I needed to suck up my shit and start getting real with people.
Starting with Brittany.
"Let's do something different today since you want to work on opening up to Brittany...is that alright, Santana?"
I swallowed back a sip from my scalding hot cup of coffee and then looked over at Britt.
She looked really nervous as she sat in the chair next to me, biting her lip and wringing her hands.
This was not the person that had me bent over the bed and was fucking me with reckless abandon just a few short hours ago; this was slushy drinking, unicorn loving, tiny dancer...a Brittany who was looking at me with so much innocence and love.
It made me feel like I wanted to climb inside myself and hide all the darkness I had brought into our lives.
My darkness had touched every inch of our lives, and looking at this amazing woman beside me and knowing what we had been through just filled me with such bitterness and nausea.
And then...just like Brittany...and her timing, she quirked her head to the side, looked in my eyes, and smiled just as bright as the sun.
Even now, at this moment...she was comforting me.
I saw her hands move and watched as she held them out to me.
She didn't have to tell me what the gesture meant because I knew that she was asking me to control my fears and trust her to know my limits.
So I smiled at her and nodded and then mouthed, "It's yours."
Britt's face lit up, and she sat up straighter, looking even more radiant than before.
My therapist was looking at me still, waiting for me to respond to her.
"That sounds great, Amy...just tell us what to do, and we are prepared to do it." I said as I drank back the remainder of the coffee and then reached blindly for the coffee pot in front of me for more.
"Slow down." I heard Britt say as I was pouring the hot liquid into my cup.
I looked up over her and then back at my cup and then back at her.
She cocked her eyebrow, and I smiled as I put the pot back in its holder before sitting back and raising the cup up a little.
"My last one...I promise." I whispered before blowing some of the steam away.
She nodded, and then we turned towards Amy, waiting for her direction.
I noticed how she was scribbling furiously while watching me interact with Britt and hoped it was a good thing.
She put down her pen and cleared her throat, and I fought the urge to cringe.
Knowing my line of thought, Britt shifted in her seat and let out a small hum.
Immediately I was back to focusing on my therapist and ignoring my annoyance.
I expected Amy to turn to me...but she didn't.
Instead, she looked over at Britt and smiled.
"Brittany...is there anything that you want to ask Santana?"
My stomach dropped.
There were countless things that I purposely had been vague about from my past.
It was the past for a reason, after all.
There was too much darkness there.
None of which I wanted to dredge up.
But I knew that this needed to happen.
I looked over at Britt, and she licked at her lips before slowly nodding her head.
"Yes...there are a lot of things actually...but there is one thing that I just haven't...I guess I didn't want to bring it up." She said quietly.
Amy looked at me, and I avoided her glance, instead choosing to drink down the bitter contents of my cup.
But there was no running away today...I knew that.
"Santana?" I raised my eyebrow, but I still didn't look at either of the women in the room.
"Yea?" I said to my cup.
"This is still your session...so if you do not want to go down this route...this is the time to say so."
I raised my eyes and met Amy's as I felt blue eyes burning into the side of my face.
Britt was urging me to not be afraid...to let her hold my fears.
And I had promised myself that I wouldn't hold back, so I swallowed back my hesitance and nodded.
"I don't want the choice to say no, Amy." I smiled, and then I looked over and met Britt's eyes. She was searching my face, but I knew that I had a mask up...while I still could maintain one. She was smiling nervously, waiting for me to give permission for her to ask me whatever traumatizing thing she wanted, and just like always, I knew that I would do anything for Brittany. Even this."Ask me, Britt Britt...ask me anything."
I put on my most guarded smile and hoped that I could make it through this.
She gave me a brief nod and then licked her lips once more.
"I want to know about...the night...at the lake house...between you and Marco and about everything after up until you met me. Please?"
I sucked in a shaky breath and then did something that I had been doing since my first session. I turned on the couch towards her, then twirled my finger until B looked at only me.
Britt tried to smile at me as I faced her, but I could tell that she just wanted to hold me; it was evident by the twitch in her fingers.
I crossed my legs and rested my hands on my knees...trying to remain composed.
"Are you sure that you want to hear this?"
Britt nodded and then tried to reach across to grasp my hand, finally unable to resist comforting me, but I shook my head and gripped my knees tighter.
"No, B...I need to stay grounded, and I can't...if you are touching me...okay? Let me know when you're ready."
I could see the hurt flit across her face, but she nodded and swallowed back her sadness.
She should have expected that I would still be a little guarded.
Anything to do with that night...the loss of my innocence immediately evoked a fortress.
I needed it, and she wasn't going to tear it down.
She knew better.
Be careful what you ask for, I thought as I looked into her eyes.
And from the look on her face, it was like she could read my mind because she nodded and then folded her hands and smiled.
"Okay...I'm ready." She said, and with her smile, I swallowed my anxiety and began to tell her about the death of my childhood.
"It was Halloween. My parents were out-of-town. Marco was home for the reading of his father's will, so I was left in his care."
My lip quivered as I met Britt's eyes. I had been avoiding this story for so long, partially because it took place on her birthday, which I tried to keep from reminding her of because I could see how much it hurt her.
"Is that why you always prefer to just stay in and cuddle on my birthdays?"
I smiled and nodded.
"It's selfish, and I'm sorry. I guess I just never felt safe on that day. I should have told you." I shrugged and then let out a heavy sigh.
"It's okay...we can still cuddle." She winked, and it made me feel just a little lighter.
I had to keep going, or I was going to chicken out.
"So he had just gotten the keys to this cabin. He kept talking about how great it was and how it was right on the water. I was thirteen, and aside from family vacations to Puerto Rico...I had never left Lima. I remember having a huge crush on Marco...just because of the things he could do for me. I had given up on getting anywhere with Ari...and so I set my eyes on him. When he was around, I had the freedom to do my own thing and not worry about the consequences. He was like a big brother at that point. I trusted him. So when he offered to take me to see the cabin...I jumped at the chance, not thinking anything of it...like I said...I trusted him."
"Of course you did...who wouldn't." She muttered, trying to keep a brave face for me.
"Yea...well, we got to the house. We made s'mores in the microwave. We skipped rocks on the lake and then watched a movie. When it was time to go...suddenly he was forcing himself on me, and I was panicking...he was like my brother...he was supposed to protect me, not hurt me. I don't really remember much about that moment except that it stung worse than anything that I had ever experienced in my life and that when he came inside of me, I felt it; I still remember that feeling. He had forced my body to enjoy it by making sure I came with him, and then he yanked himself from me, and I remember feeling so empty and alone...so used. And when he saw that I hadn't even tried to fight him off, he cackled...thinking that I enjoyed it. After that...I was his bitch...he did whatever he wanted...whenever he wanted, and I never really fought him. I was a coward."
I closed my eyes and thought of that night.
The blood-stained sofa cushion, my torn clothes, and the soft way that he treated me afterward.
Bathing me and holding me all night, it was the last time that he would be so gentle with me until we were in New York together.
"Do you want to stop?" Britt's voice broke through, and even though there was more story to tell, she had recognized that I was well past my limits anymore. I was surely going to escape into the night and find a way to numb all this pain.
I looked up at her and felt grateful for her putting a stop to this.
"Please?" I begged.
"Okay...is that alright, Amy?" She asked my therapist.
When I looked at Amy, I could see the sorrow in her eyes as she looked at me.
This was as far as I had ever gotten emotionally in front of her, and she was in awe, but there was no pity in her eyes, thank God.
"We can continue tomorrow morning when you come back in...in the meantime...I really think that you should fill that prescription, Santana. To take the edge off." Amy had prescribed me more medication to go along with the anxiety meds. Still, I wasn't sure that I needed yet another drug altering my brain.
A chill went through me at the sound of those words.
Words that were eerily similar to Dr. Cray trying to shoot me up the other day.
I shook my head and looked over at Britt.
"I can't...deal with that right now."
"We'll talk about it." Britt said as she stood to her feet and held her hand out. "Right now, though...how about lunch?"
I didn't look at Amy anymore...I could barely look at Britt.
My mind was all over the place, and I just needed to get out of there.
I nodded and allowed Britt to lead me from the office, the building, and straight into the car before breaking down into tears and began to sob uncontrollably.
"It's okay, Ana...just let it out, baby...let it all out. It wasn't your fault."
I shook my head, wishing that I could believe Britt, but all that I was hearing was how my mother had blamed me all those years ago. Her voice was ringing through my head, and knowing that I had to go see her after this, was not something that I was looking forward to.
Because I was rational enough to know that it wasn't my fault but as a child...finding out that they are pregnant after being violated by someone so close to them...the last thing they need to hear is that it is their fault.
Parents forget how much their children hang on their every word,
How a fleeting emotion can sit inside that child and fester until it is something so overpowering that it renders them incapable of telling their mind and heart the truth and trusting it.
No matter what...somewhere deep inside of them, it will always feel like it's their fault.
"Let's go home and rest, then when the kids are done with school, we will go to the house...okay?"
"Whatever you want, B."
My skin began to itch and burn, and my throat was drying up.
I wanted to get high.
Really, fucking high.
"I'll take them." I whispered as we pulled into the parking garage.
Britt had been trying to soothe me with humming, so I thought she hadn't heard me, but once we were parked and she was unbuckling me, she leaned against my face and kissed me.
"Then we will get them...but right now...I'm going to take you upstairs and put you in bed. Okay?"
I nodded and then looked at her eyes.
They reflected calm, even with me breaking apart, yet again.
"Don't leave me alone, Britt...no matter what, don't leave me." I said with so much conviction that the air around us seemed to spark.
"I promise...you will not be alone for a second."
Normally, that would be a horrible prospect, but it was the best thing in the world.
I needed to gain some control over my addiction because, poor or not...there was always a way to pay for drugs, and I would NOT go there again.
"Thank you."
Brittany's POV
When I got Ana in bed, after helping her into one of my big shirts, she fell asleep almost immediately.
I should have been sleeping right along with her, but I couldn't. I'd seen the craving look in her eyes, and I didn't trust that she'd stay sober when I fell asleep.
She'd trusted me with the whole story of her rape, and I felt guilty for asking for that story so soon after, Dr. Cray.
What had I been thinking?
Quinn was planning on giving Puck and Rachel space to talk that night, so she had asked if she could stay one more night.
In the rush of everything, I wasn't sure if I'd answered her.
Hey, hope you're still coming tonight. Ana had a hard therapy, could use trinity time-Britt
Been there. Rachel told Puck she got drunk on her way to school. I don't want to go home anyway-Quinn
See you tonight, then-Britt
You should sleep; I'll get the kids on my way up-Quinn
You ROCK!-Britt
I know :)-Quinn
I let the daycare know that Quinn would pick the kids up and set the alarm before climbing in bed with my wife.
Almost as soon as I was asleep, the whimpering started.
She was crying in her sleep, screaming out to Marco and begging him to stop.
Her body shook while I held her.
It went on for hours, she'd go quiet, and I'd fall asleep, then she'd start crying and screaming again.
My head hurt so much by the time Quinn pushed open the door.
"Came up here first to enjoy the quiet...um...why is she screaming?" Quinn asked.
"I'm afraid to wake her...she...I asked her to tell me about the night of the rape while we were in therapy, and now she's like this."
"Shit...you could have asked me, B. Her therapist just allowed you to ask her that?"
"I was stupid." I said.
I got out of bed just as Ana began gagging, I rolled her to her stomach, and her body stilled, but she was whimpering.
"You have to wake her up." Quinn said as she rushed over.
"I'm afraid to."
"Then move!"
I stepped back as I watched Quinn take charge and sit Ana up. She leaned in and kissed her forehead, running her shaky hands over my wife's face gently. She'd definitely done this before. "San...wake up...come back to us...San come on...he can't hurt you. Wake up." She was saying firmly.
At the sound of Quinn's voice, Ana went limp, and her scrunched-up face evened out.
Quinn laid her back down and turned her so that her face was hanging over the side of the bed.
Why hadn't I thought of that?
Right...I was too busy feeling guilty.
"Britt...I need you to go fill up the tub and stop feeling guilty...she needs you to be strong right now." Quinn said in a rush as she rubbed Ana's back so that everything could come up.
Ana woke up vomiting up all the coffee and cereal from that morning into a bucket I had at the ready while Quinn encouraged her. "That's it, San, let it out."
I sucked up all that guilt, just like Ana would want, and moved at a fast pace, filling up the bathtub.
Turning on Gloria Estefan low and putting extra bubbles and her favorite rubber duck on the side.
When I got back to the bedroom, Quinn had Ana standing and fully awake, even though Q was just holding her up.
"B?" Ana said as she looked past Quinn.
"Hi, Baby, are you okay?" I stupidly asked.
"No." She said, shaking her head. "I-I need a shower. I stink." She said, trying to smile. "Come help me?" She said as she pushed past Quinn and began to shuffle towards the open bathroom.
I looked over at Quinn, and she waved me on.
"You can't take it back, B...just make sure that she's okay...and don't leave her alone for a second."
I nodded, thankful for the direction she was giving since I was feeling so overwhelmed.
It was like I had set things in motion that I really shouldn't have.
And seeing Ana a few seconds later smiling at me shyly from inside the bubble bath didn't make it any better.
I held my wife while she told me about her nightmares and while she insisted that I hadn't broken her.
Even if I felt guilty. Quinn had gone to pick up her prescriptions before getting the kids. She insisted that we had to be more level before they came home.
So that's what we were doing, calming down, Ana. Q was cleaning up the mess.
Like always.
We owed her so much. Celia had been right about that much.
Q came into the bathroom, not bothering with being shy about us being naked in the tub. Instead, she put the pill bottles on the counter with a glass of water.
"I'm picking up dinner. Celia is meeting me at the restaurant, then we are picking up the kiddos before coming back up. That gives you two an hour to get to a good place...is that enough?"
"More than, Q. Thanks. Take my card, by yourself something pretty, okay?"
"Nope...what I have in mind is you extending my scholarship to cover my internship room and board this summer." She said, with a straight face, and Ana shrugged.
"Get me a breakdown of costs; I'll send it to Sal and get you a check by the end of the semester."
"That was easy." Quinn said, "What else can I get out of you? Hmmm." She smirked as she walked out of the bathroom.
"That's generous. You're a good friend, Baby." I said to her, and she chuckled.
"What's funny is that I don't even care how much it is...she's the best person in our lives and deserves the world; she doesn't even need to ask." Ana sighed against me. I kissed her shoulder.
"She sure is. How are you feeling, baby?" I asked, "About everything?"
"I'm okay now...I just think that all of this proves that I need that medication more than I thought."
I nodded as I looked over at the two bottles.
"Why are there two?" I asked, expecting only the medicine to help with the PTSD.
"The other one...is to help with the cravings. I really thought I wouldn't need them before the last few weeks, but now I do."
I climbed from the tub, covered in bubbles, while she looked at me anxiously. I read the pill bottles, then popped the tops and took two pills from one of them and one pill from the other.
"Do you need water?"
She nodded. I turned back and filled a paper cup and gave it to her
I watched silently as Ana drank back the pills before handing me the cup.
Even though it wasn't necessary, she opened her mouth and showed me that she had taken them.
I kissed her forehead and then moved to put the pill bottles back on the countertop.
When I turned back, she was staring at me with a goofy smile.
I bit my lip and stood there feeling unsure of what to do next.
My heart fluttered when she reached out for me.
"I need you, B."
Even with everything...the great sex, the control, the declarations of love.
Just hearing Ana tell me that she needs me was more than enough.
I had pushed her limits and needed to know that she didn't hate me for it.
So when she looked at me with so much faith and love, it showed me that even if I wasn't perfect at leading her, that she still trusted me to be her strength.