Say Something (A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera)
JUNE...still
Brittany's POV
It took me a minute to actually go inside to deal with Santana because I wasn't sure how I should act.
Sure, Nico and Sugar had this master plan, but it didn't seem like a smart one. Ana hadn't been this out of control in years.
Little slip-ups were nothing compared to Heroin and then coke before she could come down.
What if the plan didn't work, and she was driven even deeper into addiction?
My first instinct was to spank the high right out of her, but would that solve?
Rehab hadn't helped.
Taking her to her mother didn't help.
Lake George definitely didn't help.
Maybe this whole plan would work, but I was refusing to put my faith in it.
Sugar and Nico had a time limit. So if Ana wasn't getting closer to being sober, I would have to force her hand.
For that moment, I was going to just keep an eye on her and try my best to support her, but I was reaching my limit.
Which killed me inside.
Loving Santana Lopez has always been easy; just one look in her eyes, and I'm putty. Still, with each slip-up, I was finding it harder to forgive and forget.
The front door opened, so I turned away from the street after wiping away my tears.
Ana stood in the doorway, looking so small and sad.
"B, please come inside. You've been standing there for like fifteen minutes just staring at the driveway...please?"
I nodded and followed her inside, still unsure how to be with her.
She closed the door behind me, and I saw a chair sitting in the middle of the living room.
"What's that for?" I croaked.
"I figured you'd want to spank me." She said, looking so terrified.
"No. I think you've been hit enough. I think you need to sit with this withdrawal and let yourself come down."
"I'd rather be spanked."
"Well, I don't give a shit what you'd rather do. You aren't making good decisions, so go change back into something comfortable because I will see you through this. I won't leave your side; I don't care if I have to clean up vomit all night; I'm here with you and for you, baby."
I meant every word, even though I felt like this was truly the last time I was willing to do this kind of thing with her.
But I couldn't tell her that and ruin the moment before it started.
I would give her a fighting chance, and I would do it for our kids because they didn't deserve this; they didn't ask to be here.
While she changed, I searched the internet for the after-effects of heroin just so I could be ready.
I had been making her a cup of tea when she came into the kitchen in her cute little pajamas, scratching at her arm.
"Is that where she did it?" I asked, taking her arm in my hands.
Bright red welts surrounded the bruise on her forearm, where she'd be scratching around the needle mark.
"Yes."
"It looks painful."
"Just itchy."
"Want to put something on it?"
"No thanks."
"Is there anything that you need?"
"Other than sex?"
"That's still off the table. What do you need?"
She bit her lip and then gave a small smirk.
"Sandra."
That threw me because even though we lived a mile away from Sandra, we barely saw her even on Sundays, but then it occurred to me, our kids were there, and she was still coming down.
I decided to see if Sandra would come over rather than taking Ana over there like this. So I pulled out my phone before Ana could and called.
"Yo!"
"Hi Sandra, are you busy?"
"Uh...I have four kids, Brittany. Twice as many as you do, of course, I'm busy."
"Your sister needs you, it's not an emergency, but it's important."
"I'm on my way."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Sugar bringing the kids when I know they just got home from Gladys' kinda clued me in that something is wrong. I need to talk to her anyway; I'll be over in a sec."
When I ended the call, Ana stood there twisting her hands and looking at me with her brown eyes so fucking sad.
"Is she coming?"
"Yes."
"Good. When she gets here...I'm going to need you not to argue with me."
I was confused.
"Why would I do that?"
"You'll see."
Only I didn't see because when Sandra showed up, Ana took her into the study and closed the door in my face.
Old me would have either been aloof or angry about it, but not this version of me. I was an adult now, and even though my feelings were hurt, I had two little people to think about.
Bring them home; I want to take them swimming.-Britt
You sure?-Sugar
Yes.-Britt
While Sugar headed back to the house, I made little sandwiches and got juice boxes to put in the outside fridge for after swimming, then I got their swimmers and bathing suits.
I kept glancing across the dining room towards the study just in case the door opened, but I heard nothing.
Luckily for me, the study overlooked the pool, so I would always have a line of sight on what was happening, if nothing else.
Hopefully.
I quickly changed into my bikini when I saw the car pull into the driveway; I had spent way too much time focusing on Santana and not enough on our kids.
She was an adult who made her own decisions whether I liked them or not; I couldn't stop my world for her.
How many times had Frankie and Grady told me that?
It was finally time for me to take that advice.
Even though I was aching inside, I put on my best smile for Izzy and Dani.
"Who's ready to go swimming?" I called out to them.
Izzy looked wide-eyed and nervous about it, but Dani, my soul-twin, was jumping up and down screeching.
"ME!"
Sugar smirked at them, but her voice was like ice when she spoke to me.
"Where is she?"
"In the study with Sandra."
"For how long?"
"Since Sandra got here. Are you swimming?"
"I have a ton of bruises after last night. Not sure I feel comfortable wearing a bikini like you?"
"I have a one-piece, come on. You could use a break from the Santana drama train too."
Her eyebrows shot up when she looked at me.
"Are you giving up on her?"
Dani stood there with her arms crossed, looking impatient, so I picked her up and spun us around.
Izzy, though, had wandered over to the living room to where his race track was.
"I don't know. All I know is that it's hot, and these little monsters haven't been in our pool yet...please come swimming."
"Fine, where can I find a suit?"
I grinned, "Come up, and help me get them changed. I'll get you one."
We got the kids changed, Sugar changed, and we took everything outside...but still, there was no sign of Santana and Sandra.
It pissed me off.
"You have music out here?" Sugar called my attention to the cabana.
"Yeah, um...I don't know how to work it, though. It's in that closet over there."
I shoved the cooler into the fridge and then opened the latch door to the kitchen that led into the changing room.
Dani was excited to put on her floaties, but Izzy still looked unsure.
"What's wrong, buddy?"
"Want Mami." He said.
"Mami is busy right now. Maybe when she sees us having fun, she'll come in the pool with us."
"Want Mami, now!" He stomped his little foot and poked out his lip.
"Mama here, Izzy." Dani said to him, trying to get him to see he was safe.
"NO!" He sat down on the floor and crossed his arms, looking so much like Ana that it hurt.
"Take Dani into the pool, Izzy, and I will have a snack and work on our tans." Sugar said.
"Fine, at least get him in floaties; I don't want to take any chances just in case he goes in."
"You got it."
I picked up Dani and walked over to the pool, "Ready, Dani girl?"
She grinned and pinched her nose; I counted out and jumped.
When we resurfaced, she was grinning wide.
"Yay! Mama! Yay!"
"You scared the crap out of me!" Sugar called out, and I waved her away.
"They've been taking swimming classes at daycare for months. Dani's got this. Right, baby?"
"Yay!" She screeched.
Izzy sat next to Sugar, arms crossed, looking towards the house.
And then sure enough, from half a pool away, I watched him excitedly jump from his seat and make a run for it, and just like I thought, down he went.
His floaties resurfaced, but he didn't.
I heard the splash as I took off towards where he went down.
But Ana got there first.
She came up fully clothed with Izzy clinging to her, coughing.
"It's okay, Papa, I got you."
Ana patted his back as she climbed the steps from the pool.
Good to know her parental instincts were still working; I had been having doubts.
Once Izzy caught his breath, he was wailing in Ana's arms, and because she couldn't stand it when he was in distress, Dani began crying too.
"Out Mama, out!"
"Okay, come on, let's go check on him."
Santana's POV
For the first time since we'd become close again, Sandra witnessed me coming down from my high, and she was nothing like Britt, who would hold me through it.
No. My sister used every gag and whimper as an excuse to lecture me.
But I let her; I needed her to know me at my worst.
Even if that was even the lowest.
After I finished dry heaving and sobbing my apologies, we talked about what steps needed to be taken.
Then she made me call Sal, Walker, and Rob.
I was stepping down from my positions and capping my finances to limit bankrupting us all.
And then I stood at the window and watched how sad my son looked.
"I need to go to him."
"Then you should, when he comes over, you are all he asks for. Maybe he senses you leaving him again."
"I'm here."
"Coming down from a high instead of being out there with your family. Is this what you want, to be on the outside looking in, Sis?"
"No."
"Well then go...as long as you're not high."
"I'm not...just feeling sick."
"Good. You did that to yourself."
"Thanks."
"Are you sticking around?"
"I think I'll go pick up the kids; other people's pools are always more fun than your own."
"Okay...thanks for helping me."
"Make sure this is temporary, por favor, Ana."
"Yeah, I'll do that."
I kissed Sandra's cheek and then headed out to the pool.
When Isaac saw me, Sugar was staring at her phone and didn't see him make a run for it with his loose floaties sliding down his arms.
Britt glanced at Isaac but was focused on Dani, so I knew she wouldn't make it.
So I rushed, and when he went down, I was only a second behind him
Those swim classes had at least taught him to hold his breath.
His eyes were wide, but his fingers pinched his nose, and he had his mouth closed.
Good boy.
I scooped him up, and when I heard him cough once he had air, I felt relieved.
Thank God.
My baby was a miracle; I thought nothing less.
How many times had he survived despite his odds?
And I was squandering my time with him.
Stupid.
Isaac would not let me go even after we were out of the pool.
But I was okay with that.
I didn't want to let him go either.
Britt put Daniela down on the chair next to me, and she climbed up next to me to touch her brother's crying face.
"Okay, Izzy?" She asked, and he clung tighter.
"Ma-Mami." He whimpered.
"Yes, Papa?"
"Inside." He said.
"Right, let's go inside."
Britt looked in my eyes and then over to Sugar, who looked terrified.
"You stay here with me." She said to her as if she thought Sugar would be supplying me while I was with my son.
Sugar nodded and sat down on the pool's edge, not even bothering to look at me, but Britt hadn't looked away.
"What's your plan?" She asked me like there was some great project that needed to be done.
"Plan?" I asked her.
"Are you going inside and staying there?" She looked frustrated.
"No. I'm going to change and help him calm down...maybe give him a breathing treatment just in case. Sandra is on her way back with the kids. So, I'll bring him back down once he feels better."
"Are you sure that you're okay with him?" She asked, and I rolled my eyes.
"Of course I am; I just jumped in the pool and swam him to safety. Why wouldn't I be?" I didn't realize I had said that with so much force until both the kids whined.
I didn't have the patience to deal with Brittany's doubt, so I kissed Daniela's head and then carried my son inside without looking back at my wife.
It was one thing to be mad about what I had done; it was another to think that I would endanger our son ever again.
My son buried his face against my neck, his body shaking while he kept repeating himself.
"Mami, I sorry. Mami, I sorry."
"Shh, it's okay, Papa." I gently patted his back as I made my way inside. My head was pounding, but I did my best to ignore it.
There was no way to justify Britt's worries about my fitness to take care of my child.
I had to prove to her and myself that I was worthy of Isaac.
Or at least, that's what Britt made it feel like.
The front door opened just as I was making my way upstairs.
My nephews plowed through the living room on the way to the pool with Sandra trailing behind them with Tito on one hip and baby Aden on the other.
Tito looked jealous that he didn't get to run, but he was only four, so there was no way that Sandra would let him go to the pool unsupervised.
We locked eyes, and she looked me over, then looked at the body clinging to me.
"Que paso?"
"He fell in, I jumped in after him...going to change, and give him a treatment. So we'll be out."
She gave a curt nod and headed to the back without questioning me for a second if I was capable of taking care of Isaac, even though she had seen me falling apart an hour before.
When all was said and done, it was Sandra's belief in me that made me stick to the plan.
And it made me pissed at myself that my catalyst wasn't Isaac like it should have been.
Maybe Britt was right.
I just hoped never proved it so.
Brittany's POV
I couldn't focus.
Once Sandra came out, I was about inside, but she stopped me in my tracks.
"Where are you going?"
"To check on her." I said, feeling like I had every right.
"She's only been in there for a few minutes. You being overbearing is going to push her deeper. Give your daughter the attention that she needs, and if Ana isn't out here in ten more minutes, I'll send you in there myself."
"Promise me." I demanded, and Sandra nodded.
"I promise...just breathe...I've got your back; I don't want to see my sister sink back into this just as much as you don't."
"Mama, jump!" Dani called to me from the side of the pool, where she had been camped out since Izzy went inside.
Seeing all of her cousins diving into the pool made her anxious, but seeing Izzy go down must have made her feel less crazy about going in alone.
I gave Sandra one last look and then picked up Dani, swung her on my hip, and waited for her to hold her nose before jumping in.
Even though she was secure in her floaties, I held tight to her as we came back up.
"Yay!" She screeched, then grabbed my face and kissed it.
"Thanks, Dani."
"Welcome!"
The boys brought out the beach ball to hit back and forth, so I slid Dani into a float down by the shallow end before joining in.
Sandra sat near Dani with little Aden floating next to her; when she went to look at me, I turned back to the boys.
I got so wrapped up in the game that I lost track of time, but when I remembered, I turned back towards the house feeling frantic, but I didn't need to worry because Ana was sitting next to Sandra with Izzy on her lap.
Her eyes looked clear, and from the looks of the smile on her face, while she talked to her sister and the kids, she was back to herself.
"Heads up!" One of the boys yelled my way, and at the last second, I spiked the ball so hard that Sugar ducked under the water to avoid being hit in the face.
When she came back up, she glared.
"My bad!"
Things were finally the way they should have been.
And even though I tried to be the forever optimist, I couldn't help but wonder when the next shoe would drop because, with my wife, there were always a million shoes falling from the sky, ready to crush us all.
When Sandra left, Sugar asked to borrow the car to go see her uncle.
She was supposed to give a progress report, and I made her swear to me that she wouldn't return with drugs.
Her eyes flicked towards upstairs, then back to me.
I had walked her to the door, out of Ana's earshot, but she was still anxious about her plan being revealed.
"I swear." She said, but I didn't believe her for a second because I knew it was against their precious plan, a plan that I was starting to hate.
"You trust her not to bring back stuff?" Ana asked me when I came up to the room. She gave the kids a bubble bath in our big tub, and they were excitedly babbling back and forth.
"No."
"Do you trust me?"
"I...do...mostly."
She nodded and then focused on the kids, washing one and then the other.
I could tell she was holding back on snapping, but I knew it wouldn't last long.
We had done a pretty good job at not snapping at each other in front of the kids, even when it was tough.
I helped her get the kids ready for bed, and then we read them stories, taking on the different voices until the kids went to sleep.
Our fake happiness lasts only as long as it took to get back to our bedroom.
"We need to go back to the city." She said to me as she sat down on the bed.
"I thought you would be happy to be here a little while longer; I know how much you hate being at your mom's."
"Yeah, well, I don't have sober buddies here. I need meetings and accountability. We can't live like this; it's going to tear us apart."
"No, what's tearing us apart is your secrets. Why did you shut the door in my face, hmm?" I crowded Ana's personal space, getting down on my knees in front of her, so I wasn't towering over her.
"I didn't want you to see me break...and I didn't want you to stop me from what needed to be done."
Her words took me by surprise.
"What's that even mean?"
"I cut myself off; I signed over the properties to Walker and Rob...including this house and our penthouse. I...put a cap on my spending, a major one. I can't make a withdrawal of more than a certain amount without Sandra's signoff...I didn't want to put the burden on you."
"Yeah, but we've already seen that Sugar will just give you shit for free."
Ana looked away and mumbled the last thing I wanted to hear.
"Sugar doesn't do anything for free."
"Wait...what?"
She looked at me with a small smile.
"Nothing's happened, not that she hasn't offered, and I haven't flirted with the idea."
I sat back on my heels and tried my best to process that bit of information without losing my shit.
Ana's gaze on me didn't move, and then, we heard the sound of footsteps coming up the steps...and then a knock at the door.
"What?" Ana said as loud as she could without waking the kids.
"Can I come in?" Sugar asked.
I was on my feet and yanking the door open, ready to demand what her price was for this plan that she had with Nico, but then I stopped short.
Sugar looked like death; she was clutching her stomach and sporting a busted lip.
"Nico?" Ana asked.
"Carmen." She whispered, looking unsteady.
Ana pushed past me and managed to grab Sugar just before she went limp.
Watching Ana fuss over Sugar, getting her cleaned up, and murmuring sweet things to her, made me angrier.
I grabbed my phone and stormed from the room, exhausted from dealing with anything more than I needed to.
What was it like to have an easy relationship?
Everything with Santana Lopez had been a battle, and I was just so tired of fighting.
I locked the guest room door and cuddled against a pillow that still smelled like Quinn; it made me sad that she'd flown all the way to New York and barely got time with Ana.
Surely she felt the same way that I did.
Sorry you flew here for nothing-Brittany
In response, she sent me a picture of a sleeping Beth cradled in her arms.
Worth it!-Q
July
She'd been right about going back to her mom's house.
I watched and worried for two weeks straight back in Scarsdale, but once we were in the city, I knew I could relax with her mom pitching in with the kids.
Ana was doing her meetings and playing with the kids.
Sugar was helping, too; I wasn't sure how much because I just didn't want to know anymore.
My heart couldn't take it.
All that I knew was that Ana hadn't shown a single sign that she was using.
Her pupils looked normal, and when we did talk, it was never bad.
We hadn't recovered, though.
From the moment I stormed out of that room, we had a wall between us that neither of us talked about.
I did my thing, and she did hers.
And it worked until it didn't.
But I couldn't blame it on her.
It was all Hector not knowing his place.
Gladys had taken Ana to the courthouse to be deposed; they'd taken Dani to daycare but had left me with Izzy because he was running a fever.
Izzy clung to me, whining against my neck while I warmed up some soup for him.
And the all-knowing Hector walked in and sucked his teeth.
"Y'all spoil that boy too damn much."
I turned to look at him, feeling completely thrown off by his words.
"He's sick." I said and then went back to stirring.
"That's always the excuse, but he does nothing but whines and cowers. He needs a man to straighten him out."
"Please don't say things like that in front of my son." I said, trying to keep my anger inside.
"He's not really your son."
"Don't you dare!"
"Or what?" His voice got deeper as he stared at me.
I shifted Izzy to my hip and began to pour his soup into a thermos.
My plan had been to take him to the penthouse so that he could be comfortable around all his stuff while we waited for Dani to be done with school.
But Hector had lost his fucking mind.
"I'll tell Santana and Gladys." I responded.
"If you were a man, you wouldn't need to hide behind two women."
"Well, I'm not, and that should make any difference. Izzy earmuffs." Izzy put his hands over his ears, and then I turned to stare eye to eye with Hector because I wasn't little. I could kick his old ass, but I had my son in my arms, so I chose my words instead. "I could take you down in ways you could only imagine. You don't scare me; as a matter of fact, I should scare you. I don't need a stupid gun to make you understand just how tough I can be."
"You all need to leave."
I looked at my son and then back at Hector.
"This isn't your house to be telling us what to do...it's his."
"He's a child, you stupid infant. He can't own a house."
"How could...I...that's not nice." I stuttered out as I stepped back, feeling stunned. After all these years, that single word still hurt me.
And he must have known because he looked so proud of himself.
Izzy began choking, and then he threw up directly on Hector's shoes.
"Good boy." I said to him before taking his thermos and heading out to the car.
Sometimes walking away is much better than staying and fighting—besides, what better response to an insane person than making them clean up vomit.
None.
Santana's POV
Heading to the PH, not going back to the house.-Britt Britt
I stared down at my phone, with tears in my eyes and not a thing in my system, while Pa screamed in Mami's ear over the phone a few feet away.
Is everything ok?-Ana
You can stay there if you want.-Britt Britt
"What's up with your face?" Sugar asked from beside me.
"Britt doesn't want to go back to the house."
"Why?"
"She won't say." I muttered
No. I'll head to the PH.-Ana
Mami stormed over to us and thrust her finger at me.
"What?"
"Hector says that Brittany disrespected him and that he wants you two out...but it's not my house to kick you out of."
"What did Britt say?"
"She threatened to hurt him."
"Then it must have been something he said; she would never just lash out like that." Even if we weren't on the best terms, Brittany was still MY wife, and that was still MY house.
"Obviously, there was a difference of opinion, mi'ja, but you can't tell me that Brittany has never lashed out...can you?" She touched my neck, and I flinched back.
"Fine. We will stay at the apartment...but you need to get to the bottom of this, Mami. I believe Britt in this. She was supposed to be home caring for Isaac. He was sick all night. I can't imagine she'd stop doing that to fight with Pa. Make it make sense."
Mami seemed to agree; she patted my back, and kissed my cheek, then looked to Sugar, "I take it that you'll be with my daughter, keeping her safe?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good. Let me know when you get there, and I'll do the same. CuĂdate."
Sugar got us a cab while I tried calling my wife.
Britt picked up after the second ring.
"Yeah?" She said, sounding exhausted. Isaac was whining in the background as the sound of traffic filled my ear.
"I'm on my way to the penthouse."
"Oh, good. How far away are you?"
"Ten minutes."
"I'm stuck in traffic. Can you get Dani on your way upstairs?"
"Sure. Did you two eat? Should I make dinner?"
"I uh..." She took a shuddering breath. Then I heard Isaac, "No cry, Mama."
"Britt, just breathe and focus on getting here. I'll take care of lunch and Daniela. Okay?"
"Thanks."
"I love you, B. Para siempre."
"Thanks." She squeaked. "See you soon." Then the line cut out.
Rage filled my entire body as I angrily dialed Padrino.
I was forwarded to voicemail, and while normally I think voicemail is lame and didn't bother leaving one, this time I did.
"I don't know what happened between you and Brittany, but I am sure it was your doing. If you don't fix it, or else..." I was practically growling into my phone, ready to curse him out, when Sugar took it from me and ended the call. "What the hell?"
"Never leave threatening voicemails. This is not the time to come off as a psycho, especially to a former cop. You know better."
"I know...you didn't hear her, Sugar. She sounded so sad, like post-abortion sad, and that's not how I left her this morning."
"Don't be like Nico and Carmen. Strike first. Ask no questions later. Be tactical about things, like you used to be. Find out the facts, and then strike without warning, no questions asked."
"Right. Okay...thanks."
"That's what I'm here for."
"Among other things." I patted her knee, and she covered my hand with hers. "Except that...ewww." I pulled my hand away, and she grinned.
"Just checking." She winked, and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm still hers, Sugar."
"Good. You need each other."
I pulled the sancocho out of the freezer and thawed it on the stove for dinner while Dani played her little bongo on the couch for Sugar.
"How is she so good?" Sugar asked. "I mean, she's got some serious rhythm."
"She's a natural musician, like her Mami."
"I see that...does Marco have any musical talent?"
"Ha! No, he basically has two left feet. That's why he became a lawyer; he's better with his mouth than anything else."
"Wanky." She said, and I rolled my eyes.
"I walked right into that." Even with everything going on, I was in a good mood.
The deposition process was easy because I didn't have to look at Dr. Cray, just his lawyer, a former client who looked shy when she saw me.
As she should, she and her husband were into some really raunchy shit.
I could tell she wanted to side with me and only defended Trent as a favor, making me feel secure in giving out the facts of what happened.
But then shit blew up with Britt and Pa, taking away from all the goodness.
And that was all on him.
For nearly a year, I had seen what being with him had done to Mami. She's been a recluse, only taking on a case or two a year. He's all machismo, and control, which reminded me way too much of Marco.
Papi used me as a punching bag, but never Mami.
She was his queen, but for Padrino, I wasn't sure he would hold Mami in the same regard.
All I knew was that if he hurt my mother, I was going to bring down the full weight of every connection and call in every favor to make sure he regretted it.
Maybe Mami sucked now at protecting me legally, but she threw her actual body between Papi and me when it counted.
I owed her the same protection.
Brittany's POV
I thought she'd be mad at me.
But when I got home with Izzy sleeping in my arms, she served big bowls of the soup she keeps in the freezer just for me.
When she saw me, she came right over, and took Izzy from my arms, then pressed a warm palm to my cheek.
"Go take a shower, I'll get him changed, and we'll meet at the table for dinner. Okay?"
She was taking charge, and I liked it.
"Okay."
For three whole weeks, we'd been sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, barely touching or kissing, but when she leaned up to kiss me, I seized the chance.
Her lips were warm and welcoming, more than any kiss for longer than I can remember.
When she pulled back, she rubbed her thumb over my lips.
"I will always have your back."
"Thank you." I could feel the tears coming again and smiled at her, kissing her forehead before heading to our room.
I needed a minute to collect myself with Sugar watching us.
So far, her plan seemed to still be working, but I was growing impatient.
The reason I had pulled away from her was the redness of Ana's nostrils and the slight jump in her eyes.
She wasn't high in that moment, but she had been; I just hoped it was before she picked up Dani.
I would never forgive myself if I let her endanger the kids again.
With that in my mind, I rushed through my shower and headed back to the kitchen.
Izzy was curled up on the couch, watching Elmo, and Dani was at the table eating nuggets while watching the tv.
The daycare had suggested not watching tv while they ate, but with the way I was feeling, they could have whatever they wanted.
As soon as I sat at the table, Ana brought over a big bowl of soup, buttered bread, and a glass of water.
For herself, she had done the same.
That's when I noticed that Sugar wasn't joining us.
"Where's Sugar?"
"She said something about securing the building and giving us some space before rushing out."
"Are you okay with that? I know she's been your shadow every day for weeks."
"I am, actually. I missed us." She reached over and lightly brushed her hand over my arm. I looked into her eyes, and that bounce was still there.
Which is why I pulled away.
As nice as she was being, this still wasn't my wife.
I played it off by putting my hand in my lap while eating the best soup on the planet.
Ana turned from me and was readjusting Dani so that she could see the tv better without spilling her food on the floor.
"Thank you, Mami." She said and giggled. How had a kid of two of the most grumpy people become so happy?
Everyone is convinced that her happiness comes from me.
But I'm not so sure, because I haven't been happy in way too long.
Ana didn't show her hurt like she used to.
Instead of saying something about me pulling away from her, she went about our evening, clearing the table after dinner, then helping get the kids ready for bed.
She even sang in the shower once the kids were in bed.
There was no sign of her hurt; instead, she came to bed that night and put her reading glasses on.
I watched her sit up and read until I couldn't keep my eyes open; not once had she said a word about being upset.
But sometime in the night, I heard her muffled cries.
She was doing her best to not shake as she broke down beside me.
And no matter how mad I was, I couldn't let that be how she went to bed.
So I shuffled closer to her and pulled her back against me.
"S-Sorry, I woke you." She whispered.
"No. Don't be. I should have pulled away...it's all I've been doing."
"But why? I'm doing my best, B. I really am."
"You're not."
Her body went stiff.
"I'm not?"
"I can see the jump in your eyes. They always tell me when you're coming down. You still don't eat, no matter how big or small your serving. So I know you're still getting high."
"I'm sorry." She said, this time, it was her pulling away, but I didn't let her. I buried my nose in her hair and held her still.
"We need you, Santana."
"I know."
"Please don't leave us."
"I'm trying not to."
"Try harder."
"Okay, okay. I will."
"And I will try harder to not pull away, but the longer you're like this, the harder it's getting."
"I'm sorry, B."
"I know you are...but that's not enough for me anymore."
She nodded and sniffled.
"I'll do better, I promise."
Santana's POV
We'd reached the point where nothing I did short of swearing off drugs would be enough for Brittany.
And believe it or not, I was starting to feel like I could give them up.
When Sugar first came to stay with us, I was on a continuous high.
I never used more than a bump at a time, but they were frequent.
But then we moved back to the city, and I was seeing fellow addicts every single day.
They knew I was sober, I could see it in their eyes, and I didn't like their fucking judgment, so I scaled back my bumps.
Only after meetings...and after the kids were in bed.
And the more fine-tuned my snorting schedule became, the more I could fold my highs into my day without people noticing.
But I should have known that Britt would notice. I should have known that the woman who had seen me sober and high more than anyone, including Marco at this point, would know if I'd used.
She'd been subtle at first, kissing my forehead instead of my lips or conveniently busying her hands just when I was trying to hold one.
But that night, when she told me that she had always known, I vowed to slow down even more.
Even Sugar was begging me to stop because the longer I used coke, the more I was forcing her to find my supply when all she wanted to do was go to school and make beautiful clothes.
I'd figured out that Nico had staged the whole scene where I took in Sugar when she'd go see him once a week to get my drugs and didn't come back hurt.
He'd gone too far at first, and Carmen had overstepped completely, which made me swear to Sugar that I would take down Nico, and that was how Sugar ended up telling me that he'd sent her to protect me and supply me only when I was in need.
Sugar told me that Nico was happy that I was asking for less.
I wanted to ween myself off drugs, but I could tell that Brittany had reached her limit. She didn't want to wait for me to stop; she just wanted me to do it.
A clean break.
But that wasn't fucking possible.
So, after she fell back to sleep, I laid there, formulating a better way to still get what I needed while giving Britt what she wanted.
My brain, though, had other ideas.
I started to crave right there in Britt's arms while she snored lightly in my ear.
But I had learned from past experiences that even if she was sleeping, she'd wake up and hover the moment that I got up.
I was an addict, though, so I knew if I didn't get something in me, I'd get sick.
That was really what was underneath it all; I needed drugs to survive because of Trent.
Even though I had slit his throat and gotten away with it, he was the one who won in the end because he still had me on the hook.
I played a short chord against Britt's arm.
"Hmm?" She grunted.
"I need to play, B."
"Now?" She sleepily lifted up her watch, "It's 3 a.m, baby, can't it wait?"
"No."
"Fine." She lifted her arm, and I slid from the bed.
I detoured into the bathroom to relieve myself and then walked back through our bedroom towards the door.
"I'm surprised you're not following me." So I said when Britt laid in the same spot, with my pillow hugged to her chest.
"You're gonna do what you're gonna do. I need sleep; just go." She grumbled, and I'm not going to lie...it hurt more that she had no interest than when she hovered.
I walked as quietly as I could to the elevator and stepped inside.
Once the door closed, I cracked open the door panel and took out the little baggie that Sugar put there for when she wasn't around.
I took two bumps, more than I had in a bit, then closed it up and hit the UP button.
The coke was hitting me harder than it had in a while; it made me feel energized but also nauseated.
Playing piano was no longer what I wanted, this high was stronger, and I needed to just chill and enjoy it.
And thank Sugar for knowing what I needed.
When I stepped off the elevator, I looked to the stairs expecting Britt to be there, having changed her mind, but she wasn't there.
Sugar was sprawled out on the sofa bed, which was odd because she tended to be a light sleeper.
I bit down on my lip and crept closer to her, she usually told us when she was home, but this time, she'd gone straight to bed.
"Sugar?"
She didn't move.
I leaned in and poked her but still nothing.
And then the panic hit me.
I clapped on the lights and saw the blue of her lips immediately.
"Fuck!" I shook her, but her body wasn't warm. "No...no...fuck!"
I couldn't call the cops in my state, but I had no choice other than waking up B.
Before I did that, though, I pressed my fingers to her pulse point, and it was just as I feared.
Sugar was dead.