A/N: Not big on rambling author's notes, but this feels necessary. July 2020 hit me like a truck, not just with the pandemic but my wife losing a baby we wanted badly in December 2019 that would have been due in that first week of July...then losing Naya a few days later...while I was rewriting this story, God, I'm not sure how I've made it this far. I have been pushing through this behemoth. I'm outlined to finish this portion at 70 chapters...so we still have a ways to go. Thank you to those who have kept reading and reached out along the way. Today I'm feeling a little weary, and I'm sure it's reflected in the last few, but I'm committed. Naya lived by the motto of not stopping; she believed you just need to keep moving forward. So that's what I'm going to do until this story is finished. Be kind to yourselves. I love each and every one of you.-NR
Tired (Jhené Aiko)
Santana's POV
I spent the weekend after my missed check-in, wallowing in bed nursing my sadness.
Britt didn't give anyone an update on Isaac's condition. Instead, she got on a plane and flew to Lima.
And I only know that because our joint account wasn't frozen. I got a fraud alert and knew right away that she was running away before workshops and the trial started on Monday.
It's what we had wished we could do when we found out I couldn't leave the state.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I signed into her email and saw that she was scheduled to leave early Saturday morning; she'd gotten two tickets, one for her and one for Daniela.
On Sunday, her return ticket was for one...just her, which meant she was leaving our daughter with her parents.
I went down a rabbit hole, looking at her socials and even our shared picture folder; that's where I saw the upload of what I wanted.
She was sitting on a hospital bed with Isaac and Daniela, it was a selfie, and my son was awake.
He looked tired, but those bright blue eyes were open, and he looked scared, which was my fault.
I messaged Officer Coleman and told her that I felt sick and would be skipping meetings that weekend but requesting to leave the block to see my therapist.
It was time to see Amy and sort out my shit with someone invested in more than just what I had done wrong.
I had been feeding my addictions and desires for so long, but I was ready to switch lanes. If I was going to be selfish, it was going to be for self-care and growth.
I was tired of the abuse that I was causing myself and everyone around me.
So, I told Quinn that she didn't need to worry; I just needed to feel everything in a safe place...so I cleaned up my room, then sat at my keyboard and played and wrote and sang.
My heart was so fucking weary, but I knew that there had to be something in the after.
But only if I wanted it.
I couldn't let anyone else's doubts be anything but kindling for what I wanted for myself.
Tired but fired up, I worked out my shit and then called Amy first thing Monday morning.
The trial would start at 9am, but I wasn't scheduled to testify until Tuesday or Wednesday. I was given the option to sit in, and I had planned to, but I didn't want to give that man more of my time than necessary.
He'd stolen enough from me.
It felt good to be in a cab on my way anywhere, but that house where my mother hovered and Pa offered advice that no one asked for.
Monday morning, I had taken a shower, washed my hair, and put on one of my old bodycon dresses that hung on me more like a house dress than a sexy outfit.
I had work to do.
When I got to Amy's with Q, who was thankfully available to come with me, she was standing there with a cup of coffee.
"It's great to see you, Santana."
"Thanks."
She waited for me to take my usual seat on the couch, and then she sat across from me; before I could say anything, she slid a familiar book across to me.
"My journal?"
"A new one. Just for you, I don't want to read it, and I don't think anyone else should either. You love to keep things tight to your chest, which is understandable given your history. I want you to try journaling anything...songs, poems, stories, anything."
"Okay."
"Now. You have a big week ahead. How are you feeling?"
"Tired. I'm acknowledging that I'm not superhuman, just human and an addict. I'm tired, but I want to keep going."
She wrote that down and then smiled up at me.
"It's terrific to acknowledge that you're not perfect. You are giving yourself permission to not be perfect as you progress, good. What do you want to talk about today?"
"Isaac."
She bit her lip and scribbled more, then looked up at me again.
"Okay, where would you like to start?"
"He saw me...that day before everything went to hell, he saw me snorting coke. I saw a flicker in his eyes like he wanted to know what that was about...and it scared the shit out of me. I don't want this life for him, ever."
She wrote that down, and I swallowed back the bitterness of what happened.
"Do you want to talk about that morning?"
"Not really. I feel like I owe that truth to Brittany before anyone else because there isn't a way forward for us if I don't tell her everything. I'm wrestling with the fact that she may never forgive me...and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. In all of this, that look in his eyes made me want to stay clean, not that I did that day. I was so guilty after that I tried to overdose on purpose...I just wanted out because I couldn't live with myself knowing that he had seen me be so fucking weak. I want to be his hero, his protector, but I don't think I ever have been."
She nodded as she pushed the box of tissues towards me.
I was ugly crying, but I didn't give a fuck.
My son had almost died, and I wasn't sure if it was because a baggie exploded or if he had seen me put that baggie back inside Elmo, and he tried to open it...I felt so fucking guilty.
"Your self-awareness may be the thing that saves you, Santana. I know it feels like five steps forward, ten steps backward, but that's addiction. You have to do the work to make it to a recovering place, and maybe you will now be more aware of the red flags when it comes to your children. Your experience with an alcoholic father and now your own addiction might help you break the cycle with your own children."
"Yeah, I hope so."
"Have you been updated on Isaac's status?"
"No."
"Have you contacted Brittany?"
"I texted her the next morning when they were supposed to wake him up, but she didn't respond. I had Quinn ask her, but she hasn't gotten anywhere either...although I feel like she knows something, I'm sure Brittany has forced her to keep her mouth shut."
"Why do you think that is?"
"She's angry at me. Even when I've seen her, she won't talk about the kids. The one time she told me about them, I told her how eye-opening this was for me, which pissed her off. She said the kids shouldn't have to suffer every time I relapse, and she's right. I know she's right, but they're my kids too. I carried them in my body; I felt their first kicks and hiccups. I'm written all over them; they have my smile...my laugh...and my curls. They are my heartbeats, and I betrayed them; I know that it's just that I love them so much. I need to know that they're okay."
"Do you trust Brittany?"
"With my life. Of course, I do."
"And how do you feel about her as a parent?"
"She's the best. I know what you're getting at, that I should keep trusting that she's a good parent to them, and I do, but I'm a mother, Amy. I'll worry about my kids for the rest of my life. It's what it means to be a parent; you never stop worrying about them, even when you trust the person they're with. Accidents happen to the best parents...just like they do to the worst."
"And by worst, are you talking about yourself?"
"Yes."
"I have in my report that you administered CPR and called 911."
"I did."
"Do you think that's something the worst parent would have done?"
"No, but I put those drugs in his reach...I did that. So maybe I'm not the worst parent, but I'm nowhere close to good."
"But you have a desire to be?"
"Yes. I've been taking these parenting classes, watching bonus videos, and reading everything I can get my hands on."
"And that what will always separate you from the worst parents. Give yourself some room to grow, Santana. I know you're torn apart inside. Use that to continue being better."
"What if Britt doesn't let me be their mom anymore?"
"You know her better than anyone. Do you think she's capable of that?"
"I want to say no, but in the past few years, she's shown me she's capable of way more than I ever thought. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine her putting me in a coma."
"And nearly killing you and Daniela."
"Yeah."
"And you forgave her."
"It took time but yes...even though I check her from time to time when she forgets to take her meds."
"You hold her accountable then?"
"Of course, I love her, and I want her to be the best mom that she can be."
"And I am sure that she wants that same thing for you."
"I hope so."
I had lost ten pounds since I last wore one of my power suits, so Quinn went out and got me something worthy of court.
While waiting to go into the courtroom, I sat in a holding room with Mami and Sandra, they talked about strategy and what not to say, but I wasn't listening.
Quinn had put her foot down with Britt and demanded that she be allowed to tell me things, and that morning Britt had finally relented.
Isaac had to be resuscitated in surgery and tore his stitches when they initially woke him up, which is why they had put him in the induced coma. When he finally did wake up, he was having trouble recognizing Brittany, even with his glasses on. He seemed to accept her touch, but he seemed confused by both her and Daniela.
They were monitoring him but said it was a side effect of the week-long coma.
All I could think of was that his Elmo would probably help, but I was sure that its sight might trigger more memories...more traumatic ones.
"Santana?" I looked up at my mother, who never called me by my name other than to get my attention.
"Yes?"
"It's time."
I stood up and dusted off my suit before following Mami into the courtroom.
When I walked in, and felt a hand touch mine.
I looked to my side, and there was my wife, with a small smile on her face. "You got this. Just keep your eyes on me." She said, and I nodded.
"Thanks, B."
Having her there made this all a little easier.
I was told to answer questions directly, and I did my best.
My hands shook in my lap as a sign of the everlasting cravings that plagued me, but I didn't have time for them...I'd been following my medication on schedule, not even diverting with over-the-counter pain killers. The memory of Isaac's eyes on me kept me from thoughts of fixes and numbness.
I wanted to feel everything and be his mom even when I wasn't with him.
Britt's eyes burned brightly each time the conversation diverted to my being an escort and even acting as a drug mule at one point.
Then they brought up the dropped rape charges, thinking they had cornered me. I just kept my eyes on my wife as I told them that it hadn't been what I wanted, but I knew that I could either take him down or take down his whole operation, including him so that no one else got hurt.
Everyone seemed impressed with my response except Dr. Cray, who scowled as he tried to mindfuck me with his glare. I saw that light scar across his throat and reminded myself that I had bested him in the end.
Fuck him.
When I stepped off the stand, I felt sick to my stomach, but I kept my head up as I walked straight through the double doors out into the concourse.
Sandra and Mami had stayed behind so my sister could testify about how he had raped her at 16 years old in that same house back when my father had been his roommate.
And then my sister was supposed to drop bomb after bomb about his use of Columbia resources to manufacture drugs and test them on prostitutes and escorts.
She was there to talk about how my father had flipped on Dr. Cray after he tried to rape my mother when she was pregnant with me and how my father at first thought he'd succeeded.
How my father thought at first that I wasn't his child until he saw that I had his face.
And how the moment that Dr. Cray knew that I was an escort, he'd pounced to enact his revenge on my father.
Then Sandra was supposed to present them with all the tapes that Papi had kept in a safe at the house. My sister had sat on those tapes for years because her rape was on one of them, but then when this happened to me, she couldn't stand on the side anymore.
She thought she'd made her peace with her assault, but knowing he was still doing it to others, including me, had taken her to her limit.
I knew her whole testimony by heart, but I couldn't sit through it.
Not after the last time I had heard all of this, I had broken my marriage vows and helped Nico break his.
I stood in the concourse with my forehead pressed against a marble pillar, just trying to breathe.
And then she was standing with her arms around me, her head on my shoulder as she hugged me from behind.
"I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks, B." I leaned against her and just soaked up the genuine hug that she was giving me.
I had needed it so badly.
"Can we grab a coffee, or are you not allowed?"
I turned in her arms and tried to smile at her, but I couldn't.
"I can't leave the floor, and I am taking a break from coffee."
"No way?"
"Just herbal tea, but if you wanted to talk, there's a side room that I'm supposed to go to after my testimony."
"Yeah, let's go there then."
I took her hand and led her to the room, trying to absorb her love through my hand.
And I was managing my expectations, trying to not get my hopes up about what she wanted to talk about.
But I had a feeling...a hope.
Once we were away from prying eyes, Britt backed me up against the wall and caressed my face.
Her eyes were brilliant blue as she searched my face.
"I miss you so much...I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you looking so focused; seeing you up there talking with confidence was super hot."
"Good...that's what I was trying to reflect; he gutted me, and then I tore down our lives; I needed him to get what's coming to him."
Even though she was pressed against me and her fingers were still caressing my face, I did not put my hands on her; I just let them dangle.
She held all the cards when it came to our kids and to us; there was no way I was going to fuck it up again.
"If I kiss you, would it be too much for you?" She asked, licking her lips and staring at me like I was a buffet.
But I had to be honest.
"Yes. After what I've done...you shouldn't even be looking at me like you are, B, but I can't push you away because I needed this. I needed you."
She kissed my forehead and took a step back, then she moved around the table and sat down. I stood there watching her as she pulled out her phone and began scrolling.
I was certain that she was looking up pictures to show me, not knowing that I had been in our picture vault having my fill of my children's faces.
They were my reasons for staying...I needed to see them however I could, but I wouldn't clue her in because the next time I pissed her off, she'd lock me out, and I couldn't have that.
But B was always smarter than I gave her credit for, she slid her phone over to me, and I knew right away that it was a different app because I hadn't seen the first picture before.
"I know that you've been looking through our accounts, that's why I put the selfie in there of the kids and me, but I've been keeping other pictures for just me. I have been really angry with you, and I don't know how to feel most of the time. I love you, Santana; I don't know how to not love you. It's been hard to be away from you, but it's been good, I think. Dani is finally on a sleep schedule and is benefitting from one-on-one time with me, but I can tell that she misses you."
As she said that, I saw a video of Britt trying to set her up with her bongo while B played the drums, but Dani kept running to my piano. "Mami, Mami, Mami." She said, and it made me smile. This is how I wanted my kids to recognize me, by my talents and not what I had become.
I kept scrolling and saw Dani sitting up on my side of the bed with a book, looking like me.
And another of her shaking Snix's bell and calling out, "Meow, Meow?"
Britt chuckled.
"She's been looking for Snix from day 1. I didn't think she'd get attached to her so quickly, but she misses her."
"You can take her if you want, she's bored in my room. Mami doesn't want her downstairs, so she just stays in the room pouncing on things and yowling the chant of her people. It's cute at first, but shit's annoying when I'm trying to study."
"Izzy doesn't remember me." She said, and even though I knew about it, the sound of the pain in her voice hit me in the chest.
I reached across the table and took her hand. "I'm sorry, B...it's temporary, right? I came out of my coma so confused; I'm sure he's just not sure of anything."
"That's what the doctors say. To give it time, the brain is self-healing but needs time, but it's so hard to wait. He looks at me like a stranger, and I wonder if he'd do the same to you."
"Did you try showing him my picture?"
"I did, but he just looked at me like I was too close."
"And he's wearing his glasses?"
"Yup, but he's like shaky now. It's so hard to watch."
"I wish I could be there. I did this to him; I should be the one suffering through this with him." My voice was strained, but I needed her to know that I wasn't putting this all on her shoulders.
"Well, that's what I was hoping that you'd say. I talked to Gladys, and she says that if you agree, we can probably get in front of a judge so that you can visit him...with supervision. It might be in his best interest to see you."
The tears came instantly as I tried to smile because I still had four and half weeks to go before this was supposed to be reviewed, but if Britt was requesting it, that could change. I took a deep breath and nodded, knowing that there was no way I could do this with a clear conscience if I didn't tell her the truth.
"I'll do whatever you want, B, but you should know the whole story first."
"Will it make me second guess this?"
"It might."
"But you still want to tell me?"
"Yes, I have to tell you because it's eating me up inside...and I don't want to go into his room with this feeling that I've duped you into thinking anything other than the truth."
"How about this, we go talk to a judge and get them to allow you to visit with me, never by yourself, and after they agree or disagree, we can sit down, and you'll tell me the whole story. How's that sound?"
"Are you sure?"
"I am. I have a feeling that we shouldn't be talking about it here. Maybe we talk about it in front of Amy...that way we can talk through it in a safe space for both of us."
"Okay."
I hadn't been prepared to see a judge within the hour to defend myself, and it showed.
"Mrs. Lopez, a request has been made by your wife that you be allowed to visit your son in the hospital to aid with his recovery. Correct?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"Your mother has submitted reports from your therapist and your parental class instructor. I have here that you have been attending all of your required classes and have volunteered to show new parents how to care for an infant."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"Is there anything that I should know before I make my ruling?"
I looked to B and then back at the judge.
"I have a request, actually."
She looked surprised.
"Name it."
"Whatever your ruling, I'd like to only apply to Isaac while he's at the hospital."
She nodded and then shuffled her papers before looking back at me.
"I find the request reasonable. Santana Lopez shall be permitted to visit Isaac Lopez with strict supervision until which time he is discharged from the hospital."
After she dismissed us, I didn't bother getting excited because nothing about this was exciting. My son was sick because of me, and Britt made an exception without knowing how much she shouldn't have.
I felt like shit about it, but she was smiling, and Mami looked happy too.
"Do you want me to call Jessica to see if you can go straight to the hospital?" Mami asked me, and I just nodded before muttering something about needing the bathroom.
I rushed out of the judge's quarters and into the bathroom.
As quietly as I could, I hunched over the toilet and shoved my fingers down my throat.
It had been an eternity since I had done it, but the rolling in my stomach wouldn't stop on its own.
The breakfast that my mother had forced on me came back up as I gagged.
"Ana, I thought you stopped that." Britt said, sounding disappointed.
I took a deep breath and tried to swallow nausea.
"I did." I said, after flushing and then unlocking the door.
She looked me over and then wiped the tears from my face.
"It's killing you to not talk about it, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"I'll call Amy; your mom said that you've been cleared to visit Izzy and Amy if she has time."
"Okay."
I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose before setting my clutch on the counter to redo my makeup.
Britt paced behind me, muttering into the phone, and I couldn't stop looking at the way her arms looked in that shirt...or how her ass seemed curvier.
"Were you staring at my ass?" B asked as she moved to stand next to me.
"Yup." I blew her a kiss in the mirror as I reapplied my lipstick. "I'm allowed; I married that ass."
"And don't you forget it." She kissed my cheek and then slapped my ass. "Amy was able to squeeze us in, but we have to go now. Maybe we can grab lunch before we go see Izzy. Are you hungry?"
"Definitely not."
"I won't force you, but I am starving. This is my first day off, and I need a cheat day."
"You took the day off for me?"
"Of course."
"You're too good, B."
"Only for you."
Mami had been my shadow for so long that she looked anxious when I left the courthouse without her, but it's not like I was going off on my own; I was with my wife.
I hugged her and promised to be home in time for my meeting; she seemed calmed by that and kissed my cheek. Then she fussed over me, fixing my hair and wiping at the lipstick she'd left on my face.
"Cuídate, Mi'ja. Que Dios te Bendiga."
"Si, Mami, gracias."
Britt held open the door to the cab and waited for me to climb in.
She barely spoke to my mother, and I'm sure there was something behind that, but I wasn't going to ask.
Amy met us at a different office, one closer to the hospital that Isaac was at.
There was no cushy couch, just a loveseat which didn't give me much room from Britt if she decided to go nuclear.
I grabbed a cup of tea and then sat next to B on the couch; she looked so calm and chill; I took a moment to remember her face because I was positive it wouldn't look like that in a minute.
Amy pulled out her notebook, then gestured for me to begin.
"So, I got cleared to visit Isaac today, but I can't see him without Britt knowing everything about that day."
"You mentioned that; I'll just ask once, are you sure this will help matters?"
I shrugged and then squeezed Britt's hand, "Amy, over the years, I've stopped assuming how Britt's going to react. She could stab me with a chopstick, or she could just scold me with a look."
"It wouldn't be a chopstick." Britt said, and I laughed, but Amy didn't.
She wasn't one to joke about violence, but after a moment, she saw it was a joke and seemed to shrug it off.
"Well, I've learned with the two of you it's best to just rip off the bandage, so did you want to preface this with anything, Santana, or did you want to launch straight into it."
Britt looked nervous.
"Best to give it to her straight." I said, with a shrug, it was now or never.
"Wanky." Britt joked, but I did not laugh, so she stopped joking and pulled her hand from mine, dropping it in her lap. "Okay, I can't take it anymore, just tell me...did you feed him coke or something?"
"No...not exactly."
Her face paled; the humor had died. I hadn't fully denied her question, and that obviously gave her pause. The coldness was back in her eyes like I'd expected, but I couldn't chicken out.
"Tell me what happened."
I turned towards her so that I wouldn't hide my eyes from her. She deserved to hear this from me as it happened, no matter the consequence.
Britt looked at me and reached for my hand, but I shook my head. She was about to say something, but I spoke first.
"That morning, you'd just fucked me to sleep...remember?"
"Yeah."
"I tried to sleep after, but I had a migraine, and I had to pee. The hangover was setting in, and I had stupidly used whatever I'd brought from the apartment."
"Which you lied about having." She wasn't cutting me slack already; that didn't bode well.
"Yes."
"So you ran out...what happened next?"
"I...I snuck into the kids' room and tried to pull Elmo from Isaac's arms because I had filled it to the brim."
Even though she knew that she looked away from me and took a breath before looking at me again, "Right."
"Isaac woke up and snatched Elmo back. I kissed his face and decided that I was going to have to deal. So, I left him alone and decided to clean up the room instead, but the nausea wouldn't stop. My nose started bleeding, and I felt like my skin was crawling off me. I needed something."
"So you went back?" I nodded and watched her bite down on her lip; she was trying not to cry but failing as tears fell. "Okay, then what?" Her voice was pinched, but I had to get it all out.
"Yes, I went back in and saw that Isaac had let Elmo go, so I took it and undid theVelcro in Elmo's back, slipped a baggie out, and poured some coke on the back of my hand and sniffed it. As I was doing that...he uh...called my name. When I looked over, he was watching me, and I...uh finished the line."
Britt's eyes were comically large.
"He saw you?" She kept shaking her head in disbelief as she looked at me, and it killed me that I wasn't even finished.
"Yeah. I told him to go to sleep; I waited until he closed his eyes, and then I put the baggie back and closed up Elmo's back again. Isaac didn't open his eyes; he just pulled Elmo close again. I kissed the kids and then went back to my room. I had just finished making the bed when I heard Snix yowling and realized that I had left her in the kids' room, so I went back for her. When I went in, Isaac was clawing at his throat, and then he went still, and I panicked."
"Yeah, I bet." She sounded bitter.
"I called 911 after starting CPR, but it wasn't working, so I called Quinn, begging her to come home to help me, and she talked me through the CPR, so I did it right. I kept pushing air into his lungs until the paramedics came into the room with Mami. Daniela cried against me as she watched them bagging Isaac. Once they got him breathing, Mami told me I needed to go with them, but I couldn't...she took one look in my eyes and snatched Daniela from me. I was in a daze after that...I put on shoes and went straight to church to pray and beg God to save Isaac. I went to a meeting after that, then I came home to you discovering what I'd done."
"I didn't want to believe it. I just remember how you remembered to bring his Elmo of all things, and how you were insistent that you had nothing on you...which you wouldn't have if I searched because it wasn't in the room. That's when I knew...I went back to the house and found Elmo with his back half open and white powder everywhere."
"He saw me put it back...he had to, and it's my fault. I shouldn't have done that; I wish I could take it back, but you can see why I'm terrified to see him."
Amy looked from me to Brittany, I waited for her to explode, but she just quietly cried for a moment before taking a deep breath and looking at me, like the world had crushed her dreams.
"I still want you to see him."
"You do?"
"Yes. Since you put him there, it should be you suffering through his memory loss, like you said. You can't atone for this with confession or with me, you need to make it up to Izzy, and one day, when he's old enough to understand, you're going to tell him."
The idea of having to answer to my son scared the shit out of me...but she was right.
"Okay. I'll do whatever you ask, B."
"I know. I agree now that you should only see him and only when I'm there."
"Me too."
We left Amy's office hand in hand, despite it all, but instead of Britt giving me angry looks, they were something else.
"I failed you by not checking that night; that's on me. You would have admitted it to me if I pushed you enough...but I won't ever do that again."
"Blaming yourself doesn't change what I did, B. I know it's shitty that the kids are casualties of my addiction, just know that I'm going to keep doing the work, B. I don't care if it takes me years; I'm going to be worthy of you and them."
She pulled me to the side of the sidewalk traffic and pressed her lips to mine.
The feel of her lips felt like a stolen prize, but she wouldn't let me pull away. Instead, she put her forehead to mine. "You're going to get through this, and when you are allowed, we'll go to L.A. and work on this as a family."
"You still want me to come with you?"
"Of course, you still owe Mercedes like a billion songs."
"She hasn't stopped reminding me...after I asked her to help me with that song for your show, she's texted me every single day."
"Good. She'll be good for you."
I followed Britt's lead once we got to the hospital as she walked through there like a celebrity. The nurses and doctors she passed all smiled at her, then they'd look at me and say nothing.
They had to know why Isaac was there and who wasn't supposed to see him.
But they didn't ask because Britt was still holding my hand. She stopped holding my hand long enough to wash her hands and put a gown on. I did the same and then followed her down a colorful hallway until was got to a room at the end of the hall.
Isaac sat up in bed holding a brand new Elmo with his glasses on while watching TV.
"Hi buddy, I brought you a new face to stare at." Britt said, and he turned his head, his eyes skimming past Britt straight to me.
I was prepared for him not to recognize me, but instead, his lip trembled, and he lifted up his arms. "Mami."
Britt dropped my hand, I thought she was mad, but she was grinning. "Go. He hasn't done that for Quinn or me. He took that Elmo from her and then ignored her for the rest of the time."
I nodded and crossed the room, then carefully picked him up since he still had wires and tubes.
He rested his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me.
"Hi, Papa."
"Mami." He said again. "Where you go, Mami?" He asked, and I just kissed his head. "Huh?"
"I was sick like you, Papa; I'm better now, so it's your turn to get better."
"Okay." He sighed and then turned his head towards Britt and held out his little hand. "Mama, come."
Britt had tears in her eyes as she moved closer, it was like he hadn't recognized her without me close by, but now he knew who she was.
Poor guy.
"Hey, buddy."
"Mami, stay with Izzy." He said to her, and she looked sad because there was no way that I could stay. I had a time limit.
"Mami will stay right now, buddy."
"Okay."
I rocked my son until the doctor came in to check his vitals.
They were surprised to see him clutching me, relaxed and smiling.
"Looks like he has his comfort person." Britt glared, but he chuckled, "Every kid has one. Personally, I think they choose the person that needs them more because those people tend to give more hugs and are softer."
"It's just rude." B grumbled.
But I knew the doctor was right; Isaac had always clung to me more than Daniela did. The Ian in him recognized my need for extra comfort...he'd gotten that, honestly. From the moment we got close, Ian had been out to protect me, even from myself, which carried over into his son.
Daniela was wild and crazy like B and Marco, she didn't need me as much, but I didn't take it personally.
And Britt shouldn't take this personally, but I knew that she did.
It was the child who clung to me who got caught in the crossfire.
"No cry, Mami. Shh, Izzy here."
"I love you, Papa."
"Love you."
That night after Britt delivered me home, she wrapped me in a bear hug and thanked me for giving Isaac back to her.
And I thanked her for letting me see him even after I had told her just how fucked up I was.
I missed my first meeting that night because I got home just before curfew. Still, I didn't feel like I'd missed anything because my son recognizing me, had been meeting enough for me.
Just before leaving me on the front stoop, Britt kissed me again.
"I believe in you." She said. "It's going to take a lot of healing for me to let you be alone with the kids, but you gotta keep going. I am rooting for you...and if you need me to squeeze into my old uniform and cheer for you, just say the word, I'm sure I can convince Quinn to join me."
"I'll keep that in mind."
The alarm went off on my phone, which meant I had 60 seconds to check-in.
I pulled out my phone and did it before I forgot.
When I looked up again, Britt was looking up at me softly.
"I wish I could be angrier at you for what you did...I'm sure if anyone else knew the whole story, they'd hate you for it, but I know that you're beating yourself up more than any of us could."
"I am."
"I have work-shops all week, so I won't be able to come here to take you back to the hospital until Saturday. I know that's like three days from now, but when I go see him after work, I can video chat with you...would that be okay?"
"Yes."
The door opened behind me, and I knew Mami had been watching the clock; I lifted my phone, which had the green screen that confirmed I'd checked in. She shut the door again, leaving me alone with B even though I was sure she was watching.
"I need to get home; I have to get to work early tomorrow since I missed today."
"You could stay." I blurted out, but she looked at the house, then back at me.
"I can't, but thanks."
"Oh, okay. Goodnight. Let me know when you get home, please."
"Will do. I love you, baby." She said, coming back up the steps to hover just a few inches from my lips.
"I love you, too." Her kiss was quick, and then she was gone.
Laughing her way to the subway.
God, I loved her.
I didn't deserve the level of support and trust that she still had in me, but someday, I would.
One step at a time.
Mami hugged me tight when I told her about Isaac recognizing me and then wished me goodnight without interrogating me about my time away from her.
It didn't mean that she wouldn't drill me in the morning about it over breakfast, but for that moment, she was letting me process before latching on.
Quinn was usually cuddled up in the bed with Snix, reading textbooks by that time of night but not tonight. Unlike a week before when I wallowed in loneliness, I was actually feeling grateful.
I changed out of my suit, took a quick shower, and carried my keyboard to bed with me.
With my headphones plugged into it, I began to work on a song that had been picking at the corners of my brain all day.
My phone chimed as I was about to start committing the song to memory, and when I opened the message, it was a video from Daniela.
"Mami, you a fiwork." She sang to me, and I let the love that I had for her fill me up.
I blew the video a kiss and then jumped right back into the song.
My mind went to Donny Hathaway, and then Amy Winehouse. Even though it was late, I began to sing along with the melody.
I stopped only to write down the words and then hit record on my phone.
Without stopping, I ran through the song again.
"Baby, I'm a firework, but I can't spark without your flame/You could have turned me loose, but you just keep saying my name, keeping me sane."
And more keys and more runs until I had completed the song.
It was the quickest I had ever written a song, and there was only one person that I wanted to hear it.
So even though it was well past midnight when I put my keyboard to the side and curled up in bed, I sent the recording to Britt, not expecting a response until morning.
But four minutes later, she responded.
You are an amazing unicorn. I love you!-Britt
I love you too, my beautiful bicorn ;)-Ana
And don't you forget it! Nite-Britt
Sweet dreams xoxo-Ana