I Grieve (Peter Gabriel)
Santana's POV
I kept a mental checklist of every moment I needed to get through from morning to night.
Every day since I let go of Mami's hand for the last time, I have had to plan out my next step to keep from breaking.
After losing my father, I had plenty of distractions to keep me from jumping out of a window.
But after Mami, all I had was my children and Brittany...all of which could live without me.
I could feel darkness crawling over and under my skin that no amount of makeup, bleach, or acrylics could hide.
Britt had been right to call my light dim because that's exactly how it felt.
For most of my life, there had been a wall between my mother and me.
This impenetrable fortress that I got the closest glimpse inside of only when she let me.
Even in death, she'd controlled her narrative, not worrying about how it would affect my recovery or Quinn's pregnancy.
All she was concerned about was dying in peace, and I couldn't fault her for that.
Four days after Mami died, Quinn had nearly lost her baby, she'd been sick with guilt and sadness, but she insisted that I shouldn't blame myself.
But I did.
She was supposed to be taking it easy, but I knew that she wasn't.
When they told her she needed to be on modified bed rest, she told them she knew her body.
Celia, though, put her foot down.
Quinn was on bed rest until the day that I asked everyone to fly back to L.A. for a redo of Christmas.
She insisted that she couldn't miss it because the trinity starts and ends together in all things.
The doctor cleared her to fly but cautioned that she try not to strain herself in any way.
But Quinn was stubborn, and I was worried.
When she left the table with Celia, I tried to keep things light, but I couldn't stop thinking about the worst-case scenario.
The stress of keeping such a massive secret from my sister was hurting her, too...even if it wasn't as deep as it was for me.
But I had lost before.
I had grieved before...over and over again.
This, though, was my mother.
And then my eyes were on Evan, who was joking back and forth with Mari. How had he done this?
He'd lost his mother and two brothers, and here he was smiling.
"Evan?" I called to him, and he looked up with a grin.
"Yes, Titi?"
"Have I shown you the studio yet?"
"No! Can I see it?"
"Yeah. Do you mind, B?" I asked, and Britt leaned close to my ear.
"It's a great idea to talk to him...I'm going to check on the kids; Dani hasn't touched her food." She kissed my face and squeezed my thigh one last time before we both got up.
"This is amazing!" Evan said as he ran his fingers over the sound equipment. "Tío got me a beatmaker for Christmas, and I've been mixing; I can't even imagine how dope those beats would sound in here."
I closed the door behind me and rested against it as my nephew looked over everything.
"I know you guys are leaving tomorrow night, but if you want to play around in here until then, go for it."
"Seriously?" He turned around to look at me and stopped short in his excitement. "What's wrong?"
I wiped my tears and then moved to sit at the soundboard.
"I've been struggling to talk about...stuff with the family...and I could use your help."
"Me? How can I help you?" He was confused, but he looked eager to be the best nephew in the world. "You're my favorite; I meant that...even though maybe I shouldn't say that in front of the others." He chuckled and then rubbed my arm. "Talk to me, Titi."
I looked into those deep green eyes, just like Brenda's and Mari's.
"My mom died...she didn't want me to tell anyone, but...it's not something I can keep in."
"Shit." He said, then didn't bother correcting his language; instead, he looked me in the eyes. "That sucks, there's...no words that make it better...it just really sucks."
"Yeah...it does."
"Can I hug you?"
"Please?"
I stood up, and he stood too, his height rivaling mine as he pulled me in tight.
"I know how much it hurts, Titi. Especially when you watch life continuing to move on past a time when they were here. Each holiday, all the happiness, and nearly every day, you'll wonder what they would say, or what they would be doing...how would they look. It never stops hurting, but you learn to live with the pain."
I nodded against his shoulder while he rubbed my back.
"It hurts...I was shit to her."
"I was shit to Ethan. We were growing differently. He was my twin, but we were so different, we fought a lot, but you can't carry that with you. It's done. She loved you just as much as Ethan loved me."
"Thanks, Evan."
He wiped my cheeks with his thumbs then kissed my forehead.
"You can't keep this in, it will only get harder, and you just got sober; holding this could wreck that. Being kept from you because of your...addiction was hard on me. It was terrifying to think you'd die just like my mom and brothers...or be like the bitch that killed them and drive high or something."
I got choked up as I wiped his tears this time, then I was hugging him as he cried against my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Evan."
"I know. Look, you can do this...and if you can't...I'll do it...or Titi B...or Aunt Q. I know she knows...she looks all anxious every time she looks at you."
"They know, yeah."
"We have your back...if you let us."
"Okay, yeah. You're right."
"I know I am. Show some of that Lopez, strength, okay?"
"Okay."
Brittany's POV
"Did she tell you what her problem is?" Mari asked me when Ana and Evan walked away.
"Huh?"
"There's something wrong with Santana, I can feel it in my bones, but we have collectively decided to let her come to us about it."
"Well, that isn't very nice." Mom jumped into the conversation, "What if she is struggling with talking to you all about it?"
"So you know too then?" Sandra asked.
"Apparently, she does, sis. I mean, obviously, our sister feels more comfortable with the Pierces' than us."
"And who's fault is that?" Saul jumped in, and I just sat there watching them bicker over my wife...and then everyone's attention shifted to the stairs as Celia came storming down.
"Where the fuck is Santana?" She demanded.
And that was enough for Angie, who whistled to the kids and told them to take their plates out to the deck.
"Mom, please...just go outside with the kids." I pleaded, and Mom huffed, pulling at Dad's shoulder until he stood.
Celia was furious, and I felt way too out of my depth to do much, but I knew that Ana couldn't walk back into a room that was ready to attack her.
I slammed my hands on the table once my parents shuffled the last of the kids outside.
"You will NOT attack her, Celia." I said, and then Ceily was coming towards me, all five feet of her, trying to be a gangster when I could take her down if I wanted to.
But I wouldn't.
"Why would she let Quinn carry that kind of weight?"
"It's not her fault." I pressed back, and she pushed me.
"She put my FIANCEE and my BABY in danger, Brittany!" Celia was screaming at me, and I couldn't find that anger that had landed me in crisis.
"Ceily, stop." Quinn came down the steps slowly, looking pale. Celia rushed towards her.
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"It's not her fault...please?" Quinn looked like she was ready to pass out; it was crazy how fast she'd gotten sick.
"Is the baby okay?" I asked Q, ignoring everyone else because she was my fucking friend too.
She nodded. "Just...feeling sick. I think I overdid it."
"Then you should be in bed." Mari said. "Put this fight on hold, sis, and take her back to bed."
Showing her strength...and maybe showing me that she could indeed put me on my ass, Celia lifted Quinn and carried her back upstairs like she weighed as much as Quincy.
Ana came back into the room with Evan's arm over her shoulder. You could tell they'd both had been crying.
"Okay, seriously, Ana, now you've got Evan crying. What the hell is going on?" Sandra asked, in full Mama Bear mode.
"It's Mami." She looked so fucking small next to Evan, but she wiped her tears, stood tall, and looked only at me. I smiled and nodded, trying to encourage her to just get it all out. "She died."
"Shit." Sandra said.
"When?" Mari asked.
"Uh...when I was in New York."
"That weeks ago, Santana!" Sandra said.
My wife flinched, and I could see that she was at the edge.
"That's enough. I know you have questions, but she can't handle this. Obviously, she waited for me to be home. If you want to know what happened, ask me. You two need to go easy on her, and for love of God, handle Celia before I have to." I said, and then I went over to my wife. "You need to go to your studio and play until you feel better. Okay?"
"Are you sure?" She looked desperate to escape.
"Yes."
"Come on, Titi...I can show you one of my beats." Evan said to her, and she nodded, looking glassy-eyed as he turned her around and led her back to the studio.
Once Ana was safe in her studio, I stood against the wall outside the hallway, ensuring she stayed that way.
Sandra was all about wondering how Ana had held herself together through this, while Mari wanted to know the hard facts.
When?
Where?
How?
"Ana hasn't given me a specific day, but from what she's said, it happened when you three were visiting me at the crisis center."
Celia came back down the stairs; this time, she looked a little calmer.
She sat down at the table and looked at me.
"Where is she?" She was cold again, which was the same defense mechanism that Ana used, so I dealt with that with ease.
"In her studio, she doesn't know you flipped out...but she did tell Sandra and Mari."
"Good. Did she say anything else, like why she would let Quinn go through that?" Her voice was getting a little louder again.
Mari glared at Celia.
"You need to chill the fuck out."
"No. I will not." Celia snapped at her.
"Tell us what happened, Brittany."
I told them everything Ana told me about going there to bury the hatchet and watched her mom die. Celia at least looked sorry about that.
When I told Celia about how Ana wanted me but was unavailable, she called Quinn because she didn't feel strong enough to go through it alone. Ana hadn't said that part, but I knew how to read between the lines.
"So, Gladys basically made it her dying wish for them not to say anything to anyone?" Sandra looked livid.
"Yes."
"That's insane." Mari said.
"And cruel." Celia added. "We nearly lost our baby. Quinn has been so stressed out; one minute she's crying, and the next she's eating everything in sight...including me." She said and then chuckled when Mari gagged.
"Gross." Sandra said, then she sat at the head of the table. "I understand now why she told Evan first. He's been there...I hate that she's been carrying this."
"Me too, but you all should be proud of her because she stayed sober throughout all of it." I said, and they nodded.
"Are you sure about that?" Celia asked, seeming annoyed that she couldn't harass Ana herself.
"I am. I know when she's lying to me."
"I bet you do...you beat the truth out of her if you have to, don't you?" Celia was staring daggers at me, and I knew the explosion was coming.
"No, but if you need me to beat your ass so you'll calm down, I can." I challenged, and she did what my wife does when challenged, she lunged at me, but Sandra grabbed her before she could get to me.
"Cálmate."
"She just threatened me, Sandra!"
"I'm pretty sure you started this shit. Sit the fuck down now, Celia Inez!" Sandra roared, and Celia actually looked intimidated as she sat down.
"My bad...I'm just worried about Quinn."
"Well, fighting with Santana and Brittany isn't going to fix anything; it will only stress out Quinn more. They are her best friends." Sandra said as she rubbed Celia's shoulder. "You don't want to be the cause of her stress either, entiendes?"
"Yeah...I know."
"On that note, I think it's time to pack it up and head back to Beverly Hills. Ceily, I know you're supposed to be staying here, but I think maybe you should come back with us for the night."
"I'm not getting Quinn out of bed. She's sleeping."
"She'll be fine here. You need to leave with us, bring Quincy, and give your fiancée a night without stress. You won't be any good to her like this. You'll only stress her out more...I have easels from Christmas you can paint." Mari said, and Celia nodded.
"Fine." Then she glared at me. "I'll be back in the morning; you make sure that my SISTER watches over Quinn. She did this, so she should at the very least make sure Q is okay."
Santana's POV
After showing Evan how to record the session and bring up his beats on the computer, I sat at the piano.
"You ready?" I asked through the mic, looking at the excitement on his face.
He gave me a thumb up, then pumped a sick beat through my headphones.
I listened through once...then gave him a thumb up back. "Loop it, Evan. I'm ready."
He began the loop, and I began with the opening chord of one of my favorite sonatas before singing.
"You left me/You loved me/You claimed it, but you shunned me. I'm left to/deal with the/wreckage that you left me/while saying you loved me/and claiming your protection/but I'm just/caught in the/reflection of your secrets/your lies/and then you went and died/leaving me with the wreckage/you left me/you loved me/you claimed it, but you shunned me."
Then the beat dropped, and he brought in a cello that went perfectly with the melody I had crafted.
I felt the tears coming and didn't bother to stop them as I repeated my chorus and changed the words. "You left me/You loved me/You claimed it, but you shunned me. Now I'm just/alone here/without your protection/and I'm just wreckage that you created/debated/and left."
I waved off Evan as I slammed down the key cover and wept hard.
The door opened, but I waved him off.
"Play it back...please...I just need...please?" I begged, but it wasn't Evan.
"Shh...I've got you." Sandra was on the bench with me and was holding me tight. "Evan, play it back."
The song came back through the speakers sounding so raw and beautiful.
And I broke even more.
Mari slid on the other side of me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
I felt so hurt, but I ignored the instinct to hold it in like Mami had taught me. Instead, I just let my tears flow as my voice sounded through the speakers.
"Thank you." I said to my sisters. Then I lifted the key cover again and looked back at the glass. Evan was sitting there with Celia and Britt, looking anxious.
Poor kid.
My sisters sat by my side as I started to play, and then Mari began to play to my left, and Sandra began to hum.
I nodded to Evan, and the recording light came on as we began to play; he added the beat and the cellos then the music stopped.
The speaker shuffled.
"Uh...I know I've been an ass, but can I come jam with you?" Ceily said. It was news to me that she'd been an ass, but I wasn't going to argue.
I nodded, and she came in with Britt.
My wife smiled at me as she sat at the drum kit and began to mess with the high hat.
Evan began again, and I sat that Britt was adding to his beat. At the same time, Celia adjusted a guitar around her body.
Mari began to play with me, Sandra began to hum, and then the record light was back on.
The tears still flowed as I sang while my family backed me up, and it made me feel lighter than I had before.
By the time I finished the first run-through, the heaviness between my sisters seemed to ease. When we listened to the playback, Celia was joking with Brittany.
Whatever storm that had brewed while Britt sent me away had thankfully passed, and I had a gut feeling that had to do with Brittany.
It was good to have my wife back.
That night, when the family had cleared out, and Angie took the kids to stay in the guest house with Rob and Susan before heading home, I pressed my wife against the shower wall and kissed her with everything I had.
Britt kept her hands on my hips, letting me control how far we went, and I felt the pang of missing the part of her that took charge.
I pulled away and looked up in those deep ocean eyes.
"Just because you're not spanking me doesn't mean that you can't take charge anymore, B...I like it."
"I need...time. I have to figure out where the line is for me."
"What if I tell you what I want...and you do only that?"
"Okay...um...like what?"
"Press me back against the wall and shove your fingers inside, whisper sexy things to me with that growl I like...but like be sweet about it."
I don't think anyone else would have understood that, but B smirked.
She flipped us and pressed me against the back wall, her hand on my neck softly as she lifted my chin...she nipped at my lips and then smiled. "You're so fucking beautiful. I've missed watching you orgasm...over and over until I've decided you've had enough." She growled.
"Fuck, I've missed that too."
"Have you been fucking yourself while I was gone?" She raised her eyebrows and kept dropping kisses on my lips.
"Yes."
"How many times did you get off, baby?"
"Not enough...I needed you."
Her lips crushed mine as she worked her fingers inside me; I loved stretching around her fingers as she moved slowly. "How's this?"
"So good...don't stop...fuck!"
I threw my head back as she moved my face to the side and nipped at my neck and shoulder.
"Can you take another finger, baby?"
"Give...fuck...give it to me, B." I shuddered as I got closer to the peak.
I lost my breath when she pushed four fingers in.
"Oh, God!"
"Daddy...not God."
"Daddy! Fuck...more...harder...fuck!"
When I tried to mack on Britt after she'd blown my fucking mind, she pushed my hands off.
"Not yet." She said, a look serious as she shoved my soapy loofa into my hands. "I love sexy times, but I need you to make me feel like I could lose you."
"What? Why?"
"I hurt you, Baby. I know I wasn't in my right mind, but I still did it, and I came back to you being so amazing, but I think that's partly because you don't have the full capacity for vicious words. So, I'm going to do it for you...I got off earlier; let that be it for me."
"You don't need to earn my love, Britt."
"I know."
"I want you...you said I get what you owe me, and I want you!" She said, sounding like high school Santana, which made me smile.
So I did to her what I had done when she wouldn't acknowledge who she was; I shook my finger at her. "No."
"Fine...you suck." She grumbled.
"And you never mind. Now hurry up. We need to go have a trinity sleepover."
"Right, fuck, I forgot Q is here."
"She looked so sick, Ana...I'm worried about her."
"Yeah, she's been like that for a while."
"Then we need to fix her."
Brittany's POV
Denying Ana was so hard!
I felt that anger spark, though when Celia lunged at me, I didn't want that towards anyone.
So, I couldn't let Ana go easy on me; I needed accountability even if she didn't like it.
Once I was clean, I left her in the shower, and after searching for which drawer was mine, I pulled out my ducky pajamas which Ana has always called too cute to be sexy.
When she came into the room and saw me in them, she rolled her eyes.
"Damnit, B. I know that you don't want me upon you, but you had to dress like a toddler?"
"Yup."
"Rude."
"Suck it up, Cupcake."
I waited for her to get dressed and let her lead me to the guest room in the opposite wing of the house, where Quinn was staying.
The light was on, and there was some murmuring. When we went in, Saul was listening to Quinn's heart while Mari hovered behind him.
"I thought you left, Mari?" Ana asked as she moved closer.
"Well, I told Saul about Quinn's symptoms, and Celia mentioned something about her heart...you know me, as soon as someone mentions the ticker, I have to stick my nose in it. Saul agreed."
Quinn was running her fingers through a dark head of curls that were resting on her thigh.
"He's so big!" I said to Q as I crawled up on the bed to better look at Quincy, who was watching Saul's every move.
When I was finally closer, Quincy turned to look at me and then cuddled closer to Q.
"Hey, B...sorry about ruining your party." Q said.
"Shh." Saul scolded, and Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Can you hurry up? I'm cold."
"I'm almost done." Saul muttered, then he turned to Mari, who took the stethoscope from him and put it back against Quinn's chest. "I just need her to hear this."
Quinn nodded and ran her fingers through Quincy's hair again.
My wife stood watching with wide eyes and shaking hands.
"I don't think she can handle another heartbreak, Q." I muttered to her, and she looked from Quincy to Ana.
"She can't."
"Just be okay, don't die on us. We start together and end together. That's the deal."
Quinn nodded and took a deep breath when she was told to, but her eyes never strayed too far from Ana.
Every few seconds, she'd look up and watch Ana look closer to falling apart.
Finally, she hit a limit and stared down at Mari, "I need you to be done. Unless I'm dying tonight, whatever it is can wait until tomorrow...please?" Mari nodded and then asked Quinn for permission to obtain her medical records. Q gave a curt nod before shooing them away. She bent closer to Quincy, "Ready to go see Mami?"
He sat up and nodded. "Si, a Mama, go, Mami."
"Okay precious boy, come give Mama a kiss."
Quincy climbed Quinn and then squealed when she gave him a million kisses before handing him to Saul.
"Are you sure you want to send him away?" Saul asked.
"Yeah, Ceily will kill me for telling you this, but she's been co-sleeping with him since birth...they can't sleep without each other."
"Well, she's going to hear from me about that." Mari said, and Quinn shook her head.
"Not tonight, Mari. She's upset. Just let her have tonight with no lectures, please?"
"Okay."
"And tell her that I'm okay, even if you think otherwise, please?"
"Quinn, I can't lie to my sister."
"You're not lying, you are acting as my physician, and I have privacy rights, even from my spouse. I do not consent to either of you sharing your suspicions with Celia."
Mari and Saul said their goodbyes before leaving the three of us, then Quinn set her eyes on Ana.
"Stop looking like that and get over here."
"It won't be too much?" Ana asked.
"Get in this bed, San. Don't make me beg...you know I hate doing that."
Ana nodded and finally climbed onto the other side of the bed, putting Quinn in the middle...just how she'd always been.
"I'm sorry that I made you sick." Ana murmured, and Quinn sighed.
"It wasn't you. There are things...you don't know."
"Like what?"
"The reason Quincy was born early was that my heart couldn't handle the strain of the pregnancy...Ceily doesn't know."
"Lucy Quinn!" Ana snapped, her sadness gone. "Why the fuck would you get pregnant again?"
"I thought it would be different; I've been taking medication for a year. The same doctors who came to help you with the addiction stuff helped me get on a drug after I gave birth to Quincy."
"So you've been sick for nearly two years? Why didn't you tell me? Were you in denial?" Ana asked, and Quinn nodded.
"Pretty much. My heart is the real reason I put off med school...I needed to make sure I could handle the stress."
"But with Beth, you were fine, right?" I asked.
"Yeah...I just never saw it as that big of a deal. Fran has the same issue, and she has seven kids. It wasn't so bad when I was pregnant the first time; I was more active with Cheerios and hadn't picked up smoking yet. With Quincy, it got worse, but I survived; this little nugget is taking everything out of me, and recent situations didn't help matters. The stress of keeping yet another secret from Ceily and watching my worst nightmare play out in front of me when Gladys' heart just stopped, it's given me sleepless nights...and this insatiable hunger. I know that I need to tell Ceily, and tomorrow, after I get a full check-up with Saul and Mari, I'll tell her the truth...even if she hates me for it."
"Ceily could never hate you." I said, and Quinn huffed.
"I used to say that about you and Santana...these last few years have proven me wrong. Before you say anything, you have both had moments where you hated each other, so don't lie."
Ana rubbed my arm while resting her head on Quinn's shoulder. "My sister loves you, Q. She would never want you to suffer through this, especially not alone. That's why she was so mad today when she found out what you had been hiding."
"I know, and I should have told her then, but she was already so furious, I wasn't sure I could handle her betrayed look...I've seen that enough to last a lifetime."
"Do you think you'll have to, you know...terminate?" Ana asked, and I buried my face against Quinn's shoulder while rubbing at her little bump. They both rested their hands on top of mine.
"I couldn't." Q whispered. "I choose this life over my own."
"Please don't say that." Ana looked so serious. "Please?"
Quinn turned to Ana, leaving me to spoon her back. She kissed her nose and then muttered, "I'm too stubborn to die, you know that."
"You better be."
We fell asleep in a tangle of arms and legs, just like we always had before the world changed.
I whispered a prayer that night for things to finally start changing direction...for all of us.
TWO WEEKS LATER
FEBRUARY
Santana's POV
When Pa told me that we'd have to rent a boat to spread the ashes because we couldn't dump the ashes offshore, I rented a boat.
And when he insisted that we do it alone, just the two of us, I said fuck that noise and brought my wife and kids.
My sisters had wanted to come to PR to support me, but I told them that I needed them to get back to their lives.
Especially Celia.
Quinn's decision had been made for her when she nearly died just a week after she returned to New York.
There was no way that she AND that baby could make it...and once Celia knew the odds and Mari went over things step by step, she forgot about the potential for another child being carried by Q.
She just said she'd carry their next child.
But Q, like Britt, wasn't built for DNCs.
I had been sitting on the beach with the kids and B when I got the call from Celia; Quinn had been screaming for me.
When I was finally on the phone, she kept saying, "Forgive me, please?" I wasn't sure what the hell she was talking about, but I told her she was forgiven.
I assured her that there was nothing she could do to lose my faith in her. I said it over and over again until her cries turned to whimpers.
"Sing?" She sighed into my ear, so with the backing of the Pacific Ocean, I sang to Quinn until she fell asleep.
And then I listened to the heavy sobs of Celia, who apologized over and over again for blaming me for this.
I pushed aside my own ego and just loved her through the phone.
Because that's what sisters do; even when you fuck up, they've got you through the worst.
So, when it came time to book flights from L.A. to Puerto Rico, I insisted that my sisters surround Celia and Quinn with love.
I'd be fine.
And I was.
Even if the idea of my mother suffering through this illness for a year, without telling me so I could get over myself sooner, made me quake with rage and regret, I knew those feelings were pointless.
I may not have agreed with what she did or how she wanted things to be after she was gone, but I had to give her credit to ensure the load wasn't too heavy on Pa or me.
Mami was prepared in her own way for this.
She'd set provisions for Pa and basically planned his grieving process step-by-step because she knew that for him, there was a time and season for everything.
He told me that she had told him that he was to honor her memory for exactly one year, then she wanted him to remarry a woman who was slightly uglier than her.
If anyone ever wanted to know where I got my sass, it was definitely from my mother and her mother.
After reading her will, I became even richer, inheriting all the properties that Papi had left her after he died.
A house in Vail that Mami had been sneaking off to for decades.
Three rental properties in Cleveland.
And Papi's family villa in Puerto Rico.
When I called Walker and Rob to let them know that we had more properties to manage, they both got crazily excited because two of those properties meant they'd have a new place to vacation to for free.
Mami had definitely set Pa and me up for the future. Still, she had done absolutely nothing to help me through the emotional toll of her absence.
And maybe she knew that was a lost cause.
Because as Mami would say, a mother knows.
Pa had separated Mami's ashes into little paper packets that would dissolve in the water; he handed each of us one, and Isaac stared down at it in horror.
"This Beya?" He asked me, with tears in his eyes.
"Yes, Papa."
"Don't cry, Izzy, Beya go with Jesus." Daniela said to him, and he nodded.
"Jesus in water, Mami?"
"Yes, and in the air and clouds. Jesus is all around us."
"I see Jesus?"
"One day, when you see Beya and Papa Ian again."
We'd recently talked to the kids about their donors...or Papas as Britt liked to call them.
And Isaac knew that his Papa had gone to be with Jesus, so now knowing his Beya was gone there too, he had a question I wish I never heard.
"Can I go now? How can I go there to be with Jesus?"
I was speechless, but Britt was a supermom; she knelt down with the kids and me and grinned.
"It's not your turn yet, Buddy. Everyone gets a turn, but when you get your turn, there's no coming back here to be with us."
"I don't want my turn, Mama."
"Me either, not now. Someday though, a long time from now. Right now, though, we need to say goodbye to Beya and pray. Okay? Can you do that?"
"Yes."
"How about you, Dani?"
"Yes! Come on, Beya, go with Jesus." She said and walked to the railing; I took her hand, not taking a single chance that she might slip.
Pa came over to us, and then one by one, we all let our little paper packets drop.
We stood watching as they dissolved and sunk into the blue waves.
Britt began the prayer, and we joined in.
"Eternal rest, grant unto her, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. Through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen."
Brittany's POV
It felt amazing to be back in New York with my family in our apartment.
We had gone straight from Puerto Rico to New York, choosing to skip a vacation because Ana just wanted to get home already.
Mari and Saul had moved already and had professional cleaners go through our place to ensure it was back to the way we had it.
And even though they did that, I knew that Ana would wrinkle her nose when we walked in.
"This place needs a deep clean." She said as she bounced Dani in her arms. The flight had exhausted both of the kids, but Izzy was alert and excited to be back in a place he loved.
"Elmo!" He shouted and then ran to his room. We'd sent our things ahead, so I was hoping that he wasn't disappointed. I followed him back there and saw that Mari had redecorated the room for a more grown-up Izzy.
He had a bigger bed, but the bedspread and curtains were all Elmo.
"What do you think, Buddy?"
"I love it, Mama!"
"Let's see what Beba's room looks like."
We met Ana in the hall as she walked to Dani's room.
I opened the door for her and saw that Mari had left this room alone because Norah and Dani had the same taste in things. The only difference was a mini drum kit in the corner of the room.
"She's going to love this." Ana said. "Mari outdid herself."
"We both knew she would." I kissed Ana's head and then took off Dani's coat and shoes before she laid her in her big girl bed.
We'd had the kids in the same room for years, but this space would be good for them, especially for Izzy because Dani liked to play her drums until she fell asleep, which drove him crazy.
Izzy leaned up and kissed Dani's face before following us out of the room.
"Where Dama?" Izzy asked as we went back to the kitchen.
"Good question, Papa. I'll see if she wants to bring up Quincy."
"YAY, Quincy!" He said, sounding out his cousin's name more like KIN-SEE.
Quinn and Celia came up together without Quincy, both looking tired.
And Ana went straight into mothering mode, "When is the last time either of you slept?"
"We haven't." Ceily said and then pulled Ana into a tight hug. "How was everything?"
"It was fine. We flew in, got it done, and then flew here."
"You could have stayed...it's beautiful there in February."
"Pass...I just wanted to be here with my family. With you."
"I know you want to see Q, but I think I need some sister time. Quincy gets out of school in a bit. Want to come with me?"
Ana roped Izzy into going and said she'd get him reenrolled in pre-school, so he could catch up on anything he missed.
She kissed me and then kissed Quinn before leaving the two of us alone.
Comforting Quinn was not something I had a lot of experience doing, but I opened my arms to her anyway.
"Hug?"
She nodded and stepped into my open arms.
I held her, and at first, she took deep breaths but then she was crying against my shoulder.
And I let her, without placating her or judging her because I had been there...even if it was for different reasons.
"How did you...get through this?"
"I haven't." I admitted. "I still feel this empty pit just below my tummy...it never gets full."
"Christ." She sighed. "She won't...sleep in bed with me. I think we are broken, B...at least I am."
I pulled away and put my hands on her shoulders, resisting the urge to shake her.
"Stop. You both grieve however you need to, but let it make you stronger together. Quincy is still here, and he needs you."
"You sound like San."
"She said something similar when I was wallowing; she had to remind me that I had these two little lives that were here and needed me. Izzy and Dani saved me. Let Quincy do the same for you...and Beth, Puck still leaves the door open for you. Go see her."
Her eyes went squinted; I knew she didn't like being called out but tough titties.
She had two kids, and Beth needed her just as much as she needed Beth.
Ana came back with pizza, soda pop, and Mari.
We all sat around eating and trying to add some light to Celia and Quinn's darkness, but we had no idea if it worked.
After getting the kids bathed and in bed, we FINALLY got to our room.
With the door closed, Ana rested back against it and took a deep breath.
"Can you promise me something, B?"
I was in the middle of stripping my clothes off but stopped with my shirt halfway over my head.
"Huh?"
Her hands traveled up my sides and pushed the shirt over my head.
When our eyes met, she leaned up and kissed me.
"I love you."
"I love you too. What's the promise?"
"Promise me that you'll keep dancing."
I rolled my eyes.
"Well, duh, of course, I'm going to dance; I don't think I know how to stop."
"Good."
"Where's that coming from?"
"Celia cleared out her easels. She has decided to stop painting and start getting serious about being an art dealer."
"But she loves to paint."
"I know."
"Quinn, let her do this?"
"They're not really speaking much these days...at least that's what Ceily says."
"Yeah, Quinn is feeling like that too. I told her not to let this break them."
Ana hissed. "I told Celia to not string Q along."
"Okay, new promise!" I said to her, kissing her face a few times before looking into those stormy eyes. "No more marriage advice for them...if they are going to stay together or break apart, let's not be in the middle. Okay?" I gave her my pinky, and she squeezed it.
"Deal."
"Now, let's go get hot and sweaty in the shower...Mama needs you on your knees." I teased, and she grinned.
"Say less, Britt Britt."
"Who?" I asked.
And she rolled her eyes. "You got it, Daddy." Then I watched as she strutted to the bathroom, stripping off one item of clothing at a time.
It was good to be home.