Thursday, November 24, 1977
Mary's day was not turning out to be fantastic in any sense of the word. She had started off the morning by levitating Sirius's sidecar down the staircase to the common room, and even though she was the one who had insisted on removing it, the empty space where it had been looked lonely and desolate. Her foul mood had increased when she was unable to extract more than a drop of Sleekeazy's from the bottle, and she had to stop herself from throwing it against the wall when she remembered the replacement bottle was in the boys' dormitory next to Sirius's deodorant.
"Lil, can you nip back up there real quick and get my Sleekeazy's?" she had asked when she spotted Lily in the common room.
"Sirius, er, may have thrown it against the wall," she said, a note of apology in her voice. "But I'll go to Hogsmeade with you after class to get more, if you like."
Mary sighed and attempted to flatten her hair. She could already feel tiny frizzy tendrils forming. "The shop that sells it is closed Thursdays," she said with a sigh. "It's fine, it's just not going to be a good day, but I suppose that was inevitable either way. I'm going to head to breakfast now." She set off before Lily could protest, not wanting to be guilted into an uncomfortable walk to the Great Hall spent avoiding Sirius's eye and pretending to be unaffected by the events of the previous evening.
Things did not improve for her as the day wore on. As almost every Gryffindor had witnessed the argument, news had spread fast to the rest of the school, which meant that people approached her throughout the day to inquire about her "split with Sirius Black."
"We didn't split up, because we were never dating," she snapped for the fourth time that day, this time after being cornered in the loo by a Ravenclaw sixth year. "Anyway, I don't see how it's anyone's bloody business." When the Ravenclaw girl continued to stand there, gearing up to pepper her with more questions, Mary lost her temper. "Do me a favor, and spread the word that I'll hex the next person who asks me about my supposed breakup."
Her irritation and anger had another cause besides the obvious one, a fact that became impossible to deny by midmorning. Since she started spending time with Sirius she had picked up his smoking habit, and although she smoked just as much as he did, she never bought her own cigarettes. He had provided the cigarettes, and she had provided the pot, and now that she and Sirius weren't speaking, she found she needed the comforting rush of tobacco and nicotine more than she cared to admit. Yesterday she had finished the rest of a pack he had left in her bag, but today she was completely out. This left her no choice but to brave the icy wind of the courtyard to beg one from the other smokers.
"Can I bum one?" she asked a Hufflepuff in her year, nodding at the lit cigarette in his hand.
"I only have two more left," he said, flashing her an apologetic smile. "Otherwise I would. Although…" He lowered his voice and beckoned her closer. "I'll give you one if you flash me."
She drew back, rolling her eyes. "Sod you. For one bloody cigarette? I'll ask someone else, arsehole."
He shrugged and blew out a thin stream of smoke. "I heard you walked from the second floor all the way to the Gryffindor common room last night without a shirt on," he said, grinning. "Just thought maybe I could get a look, too."
She shook her head in disgust and approached a Ravenclaw girl whose sleek blonde hair made Mary feel even more depressed about the state of her own curls.
"Could I have one of your cigarettes?" she asked, shoving her hands into her pockets to escape the frigid air. "I'll give you one once I buy a pack, I swear."
The girl raised her eyebrows and cast her a disdainful glare. "I don't think so," she said, tossing her pack of cigarettes into her bag. "My best friend just broke up with Eddie Edgecombe, and I don't think it was nice of you to shag him not even a week later."
Mary sighed in exasperation and tried not to stare longingly at the smoke drifting from the girl's cigarette. "She broke up with him, didn't she? As far as I can tell, she has no business being upset about who he shags. But fine, keep your bloody cigarette and shove it up your arse for all I care."
She stormed away, taking a grim satisfaction from the look of outrage on the girl's face.
"Anne, Olivia, do either of you know who I can buy cigarettes from?" she asked at lunch.
She was sitting far enough away from Sirius that he would have to strain to hear her conversation, but close enough that she could sneak glances at him every few minutes without it being too obvious. He looked pale, hungover, and miserable, and she tried to convince herself that she felt happy about this rather than concerned.
Anne shook her head, and Olivia bent closer to her and muttered, "What about what's-his-face, your pot dealer in Hufflepuff?"
Mary considered this. "Graham? I dunno. I suppose I can ask. He probably knows who does, even if he doesn't actually have any."
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Why don't you just go into Hogsmeade and get some?" she asked once Anne and Olivia had moved on to discussing what to get Stebbins for a Christmas gift.
Mary sighed. This was the most logical option, yet the thought of making the long, cold trek into Hogsmeade without Sirius's snarky comments and warm, solid presence to keep her company filled her with an unexplainable sadness. Instead, she waited until the end of lunch and caught up to the Hufflepuff sixth year who had been her regular dealer since the previous year.
"All right, Mary?" he called, greeting her with his usual relaxed grin. Adam Graham insisted on using first names, which had unnerved her at first, but by now she had grown accustomed to it, as if they were good friends rather than casual acquaintances. "Are you looking to restock?" he asked, lowering his voice.
She shook her head. "I'm all set for a bit. I just need cigarettes. You don't happen to sell those, do you? Or do you know who does?"
Graham shook his shaggy blonde hair out of his face and frowned. "I assume you mean someone other than Steve?"
Mary sighed. Steve Benson supplied cigarettes to half of Hogwarts; there was a rumor that Professor Sprout had bought from him in a pinch, although this had never been proven. Unfortunately, Sirius bought from him on occasion, and Mary preferred he didn't find out she was buying cigarettes, as it felt like an unnecessary show of vulnerability. She wanted Sirius to assume she was carefree, happy, and thriving, rather than an irritable, frizzy-haired disaster trying to bum cigarettes from random Hufflepuffs between classes.
"I mean someone other than Steve," she agreed. "If there is anyone else, that is."
"Well, that's the thing. Usually I'd say talk to Betty," he said, pointing at a tall girl with a blonde ponytail walking a few steps ahead of them. She turned to look at him and gave them a friendly wave. "But I know for a fact that she's out," he continued with an apologetic frown. "Won't be able to restock until the next Hogsmeade trip, unfortunately. And I don't know of anyone else. So it looks like Steve's your man."
Mary blew a lock of hair out of her face and nodded, her expression resigned. "Guess so. Well, thanks anyway."
"Anytime."
She waved and turned to leave, but he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, is it really true you and Sirius Black have split up?"
She heaved an exasperated sigh and stalked off without acknowledging his question. Sod you, Graham, she thought, scowling as she scanned the crowd of students for Steve Benson's distinctive brown curls and irritating, ubiquitous smirk.
"Ooh, I'm fresh out," he informed her when she finally tracked him down outside of the library.
She bit her lip and swallowed back the urge to hex him. "What do you mean, fresh out? You're never out. You have a bloody trunk full of cigarettes."
"Well, yeah, usually I do," he said, treating her to that infuriating Steve Benson smile. "But someone just cleaned me out. My bloke's sent out another shipment, so it should arrive tomorrow if you can wait until then."
"That doesn't help me today, Benson," she grumbled, wrapping a curl around her finger until her fingertip began to turn white. "Who was it that bought your last packs?"
She knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth to reply.
"Sirius Black," he said, shrugging. "Hey, didn't you two-"
"Sod off, Benson," she snapped, whirling around and walking in the opposite direction, fuming at Benson and Graham and Sirius and the rest of the student body.
Mary made the long, cold trek to Hogsmeade alone that evening. She knew Lily would have offered to go, but she was snuggled up with James by the fire, and they looked so cozy and smitten that Mary felt guilty interrupting. Someone might as well enjoy the evening, even if she had to spend it trudging through the drafty secret passageway and hating life while Sirius apparently sulked and chain smoked his precious cigarettes up in the dormitory. As the cold bit through her clothes and numbed her hands, she tried to focus on the dull fury that had smoldered all day, and not the nagging sadness she felt wandering the streets of Hogsmeade without Sirius next to her. She jammed a cigarette into her mouth and lit up, telling herself that the first hit of nicotine banished the melancholy and left her content and satisfied.
As she made her way back to the common room, her bag weighed down with several packs of cigarettes as well as a bottle of tequila, she spotted Eddie Edgecombe lurking behind a suit of armor.
"Are you hiding from Black?" she asked, feeling herself break into a smile for the first time all day.
Eddie emerged from behind the suit of armor, looking sheepish but casting a nervous glance over his shoulder.
"I wasn't hiding, just, well, I'm not keen on getting punched again," he admitted. "I ran into Evans in the library earlier, and she told me I might catch you here. I, er, well I wasn't sure if you might want to…"
"Finish what we started last night?" she said. "Yeah, all right, as long as you're not afraid of the wrath of Sirius Black."
He traced a finger along the bridge of his nose that had been broken and gushing blood last night but had since been returned to its original state by Madam Pomfrey. "Well, that's why I came looking for you here instead of coming up to you at lunch or between classes. I thought it might be better to be more discreet, in case, you know, he's hoping to do more punching." He raised his eyebrows and glanced over his shoulder again. "Do you think he is?"
Mary gave a wry smile and shook her head, sending frizzy curls flying into her face. "I think he's all punched out for a bit." She hesitated, experiencing a pang of guilt as she remembered the way she had just stormed out of that unused classroom after Sirius without sparing a thought for Eddie. It seemed incredible that he was even bothering to seek her out today, when it would have been understandable and perfectly justified to write her off as not worth the drama. He must be really eager for a rebound, she thought, recognizing a hint of her own glum expression in the set of his jaw and his downcast eyes. Lucky for him, so am I.
"I'm sorry about all of that, by the way," she said. "It was…"
"A complete bloody disaster?" he finished, grinning. "That's all right, it made for a good story." He raised his eyebrows."Did you really walk all the way to the common room and then have a shouting match in front of everyone while you weren't wearing a shirt?"
She nodded. "Pretty much. Peter Pettigrew threw me a blanket, but everyone had gotten a good view at that point. Anyway, if that doesn't deter you, I could come with you for a bit tonight, I just need to go drop my coat and bag and tell Lily I made it back safely so she doesn't come looking for me and pull a Black."
After they agreed to meet in a particular broom cupboard in fifteen minutes, Mary headed for the portrait hole and gave the Fat Lady the password, then stepped through into the common room where she dropped her bag and coat next to Lily's armchair.
"Will you bring these up to the dormitory for me?" she asked, slipping the open pack of cigarettes into her pocket. After a moment's consideration, she opened the bottle of tequila and took a long swallow before replacing it in the bag. "Don't give me that look, Lily," she added, meeting her friend's disapproving glare with one of defiance. "I'll be back in a bit."
She set off, taking comfort from the burn of the tequila and wishing she felt as happy about the meetup as Eddie clearly did.
When she returned to the common room later, it was deserted except for Remus, huddled under a blanket and snoring softly. She tiptoed up to her dormitory and took a long, hot shower, hoping to wash away the frustration of the day and the scent of Eddie Edgecombe that felt wrong on her skin. Afterwards she slipped under the covers and closed her eyes, but sleep eluded her, and after almost an hour she gave up and returned to the common room. Remus's blanket had fallen to the floor, so she tucked it around him again before sitting down across from him and resigning herself to another long night.
"Hi, Mary," Remus said as he stirred and adjusted his position in the chair. "Did you just get back?"
"No, I got back over an hour ago and tried to sleep, but it was pretty unsuccessful." The firelight illuminated Remus's pale face and made the dark circles under his eyes even more pronounced. "Sorry I woke you up," she said with a pang of guilt.
"That's okay." He felt around until he located the other blanket draped behind him. "Want this one?"
He tossed it over to her without waiting for a response, and she spread it across her lap, grateful for the small, thoughtful gesture. They sat in silence for a minute, both staring into the fire and lost in their own thoughts. Mary thought Remus had fallen back to sleep and was considering Summoning her little zippered bag from the dormitory when he spoke and jarred her from her thoughts.
"Are you okay?" he asked, and the question gave her pause, because how on earth was she supposed to answer that without lying or giving him far more information than he ever needed or wanted to know?
"I'm fine," she said, settling for the former.
He raised his eyebrows, seeming to guess her dishonesty. "Are you?"
The dubious expression on his face made her smile in spite of everything weighing on her. "Well, no, not really, but it's easier to just say I'm fine." She pulled the blanket up to cover her arms and added, "Are you okay?"
A wry smile spread across his face, momentarily erasing some of the pain and exhaustion that lingered there. "I'm fine."
"Yeah, you're about as fine as I am, I suppose," she said, rolling her eyes. "Merlin, what a bloody awful day."
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. "I know that's not normally your style, but if your usual method of stress relief didn't work, maybe this will help."
The earnest expression on his face as he had spoken the phrase 'your usual method of stress relief' made her laugh, and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the sound.
"I'll talk about it if you do first," she said.
"Is that because you're hoping I'll fall asleep and you'll be off the hook?" he asked, grinning.
"That might've crossed my mind," she admitted.
"I mean, it's a definite possibility. But I'll risk it." He pulled the blanket up so that only his face was exposed and took a deep breath. "Well, I'm worried about Sirius. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, because it's his own bloody fault for being an idiot. We've all been telling him to tell you how he feels for ages, and instead he goes and acts like a maniac and then gets upset when it all blows up in his face."
Mary bit her lip, remembering the naked hurt on Sirius's face as they had shouted at each other in the corridor. None of this would've happened if I'd just told him I meant what I said in the Three Broomsticks. Why did I have to be such a bloody coward?"
"But he's not coping well," Remus continued, and Mary stopped berating herself and focused her attention on what he was saying. "He never does. Merlin, he'd be furious if he knew I was telling you this, but he spent all evening in the dormitory, drinking and smoking about a hundred cigarettes and just staring at the ceiling. And you can't do anything for him when he's like that, he won't talk to anyone except Prongs, and I don't think he managed to get more than a few words out of him."
He sighed and rubbed his temples, his exhaustion almost tangible.
"So I'm nervous that something's going to go wrong tomorrow night," he went on, worrying at his cuticle. "If he shows up drunk or stoned or his head's just not in it, one of them could get hurt." He took another deep breath, and Mary could see how much it pained him to talk about this. "It's not safe to be distracted around me when I'm, you know, like that. And if something happens, if one of them gets really hurt, I'd never forgive myself."
"It must be horrible to lose control like that," she said, resisting the urge to go to him and wrap him in a hug, because it seemed important for him to get all of his worries out first.
He nodded, and there was a haunted look in his eyes that made Mary shiver despite the heat of the fire. "It is." He took another deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, then continued speaking. "So anyway, there's that. And I haven't done any of my work for tomorrow, which I know doesn't seem important because I probably won't make it to classes tomorrow anyway, but then I'll be behind and will need to spend all of Sunday catching up. And it'll take me longer than usual to get things done because I won't be fully recovered, and I'll probably bloody fall asleep in my chair and nobody will wake me up because they think I need sleep when really what I need is to get my fucking homework done."
He flashed her a sheepish smile when he realized how much his voice had risen in the hushed atmosphere of the common room.
"And Lily and Pete are up to something," he said, his voice returning to a more appropriate volume. "They've been going off somewhere and they're always vague about it. I don't really care what it is they're doing, but I thought Pete might've told me. We tell each other everything, or at least we used to. I didn't tell him about Seven, so I suppose it's only fair if he has his own secret, but still, it does bother me a bit."
He fell silent and picked at his cuticle for a moment, then met Mary's gaze with a pained expression. "But probably the biggest thing that's bothering me is that Seven knows."
Mary raised her eyebrows. "She knows about…"
"About me," Remus said darkly.
"And?" Mary asked.
"We haven't actually talked about it, but she's made it pretty clear she knows. And apparently she and Peter talked about it, so he confirmed my suspicions." He hesitated, staring down at the raw skin by his thumbnail, which had started to bleed. "She wants to visit me in the hospital wing on Saturday."
"So let her," Mary said, frowning. "Why shouldn't she? Wouldn't seeing her make you feel better?"
"Of course it would." He left his cuticle alone and turned his attention to the skin between his thumb and forefinger, running his nail up and down the area until Mary forced herself to look away. "I'm just afraid for her to see me like that. What's she going to think?"
"She's not going to think anything different than she does now," Mary said. "She'll probably think, 'Merlin, my boyfriend is so adorable and sexy. I'd better sit by his bed and read to him until he feels better so he can get back to shagging me senseless.'"
Her smirk was met with an exasperated sigh.
"Mary," he protested.
"What?" she asked, chuckling. "Black and I are convinced you and Seven are both secret freaks, and there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise."
Thinking about all the conversations she had had with Sirius, stretched out in front of the common room fire or sprawled on his bed or whispered in class when the professor's back was turned gave her a pang of sadness, and she pushed the thought out of her mind before she found herself crying over a silly comment.
Remus rolled his eyes and ignored her. "So I have to give her an answer about that, and I have no idea what I'm going to say, because the weak part of me wants her there, because like you said, it would make me feel better, and it's always such a fucking awful day. But that's just me being selfish. It's really best to keep her as far away from that side of things as possible, so I dunno what to do."
He sighed, rubbing his eyes, and the motion made the dark circles underneath them even more pronounced.
"And this is to be expected, but I feel like shit. Except it's worse than usual, and I don't know if that means it's going to be a really rough transformation, or if it's because I'm worried about all of this, or because I did patrols on Tuesday when I really should've let Prongs take my duty, and I was up late Monday because I was, er, with Seven-"
"I'd think that would help you feel better," Mary interrupted.
Remus grinned. "It does. But it also keeps me up late, which is counterproductive. So anyway, I don't know which of those things is the cause, or if it's a combination of everything, but either way it doesn't matter, because there's nothing I can do about it except wait it out and try not to complain. Except I've just spent the last ten minutes complaining to you, so sorry about that." He looked down and seemed to realize the incessant picking had left his skin bleeding in two places, because he tucked his hands back under the blanket and sighed. "Bloody hell. Anyway, that's why I'm not exactly fine, and I'm sorry if that was way more than you wanted to know."
Mary didn't reply, but let the blanket slide onto the floor as she stood up and crossed to his chair.
"What're you doing?" he asked, frowning.
"Giving you a hug. Don't move, I'll come to you."
She leaned down and wrapped her arms around him, trying to convey all the affection and sympathy that she didn't know how to put into words. He seemed to take some comfort from her embrace, because when she released him the crease between his eyebrows had eased slightly.
"I don't know what to say to all that. I don't even know where to begin," she said, and he shook his head.
"You don't have to say anything. Just letting me talk it all out helped a lot, so thanks for listening." He leaned his head back against the chair and raised his eyebrows. "All right, now it's your turn."
She wrapped the blanket around herself and sank back down into her chair, trying to form the frustrations of the past several days into words that would make sense to someone else.
"There's not a single fucking pack of cigarettes for sale in this entire bloody school," she said, because that issue was easier to tackle than the confused jumble of emotions she felt when she saw Sirius scowling down at his breakfast or thought about Stacy Tremblay tracing that scar on his chest.
"Is that because Sirius is in the process of smoking them all?" Remus asked, smiling wryly.
"It is, actually," Mary said, shooting a dirty look in the direction of the boys' staircase as though the force of her displeasure could travel through walls and pierce through Sirius's alcohol-soaked sleep. "Nobody would lend me one, and bloody Steve Benson ran out because Black bought them all, so I had to walk all the way to Hogsmeade. And I'm out of Sleekeazy's because he threw my bottle at the wall, and the shop that sells it is closed on Thursdays, so I have to go back to Hogsmeade tomorrow after spending another day looking like this." She gestured at the frizzy mass of curls cascading over the edges of the blanket.
"It's not that bad," Remus said, grinning. "At least you don't have any greys."'
"I wouldn't rule it out after this bloody week," she said, blowing a stray lock of hair out of her face. "I must've had twenty people ask me if I've split up with Black. How is it anyone's business? Nosy arseholes." She glared down at her lap, then looked back up at Remus as she continued. "And the worst part is, I miss him. He was my best friend, besides Lily, and now that we're not talking it feels like something's missing from my day, you know? I'm having trouble sleeping because I got so used to sleeping in his bed. And I just feel so bloody sad."
She sighed, wrapping a curl around her finger as her words hung in the air. The admission had surprised her, because before this moment she had not allowed herself to acknowledge just how much Sirius's absence was affecting her. It was a relief to confide in Remus and stop repressing her feelings, but now that she had examined them and spoken them aloud, she could no longer ignore the truth.
"You know, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you should just talk to him," Remus said, his tone gentle yet firm. "Because he feels the same way, and it's silly for you both to be miserable without each other."
The idea was tempting, but then she remembered the sense of betrayal she had felt when she saw his name next to Stacy's on the map, and the malice in his voice as he had called her a tart and criticized Melanie.
"I can't, Remus, at least not yet," she said, shaking her head. "I'm too angry at him. And I thought a distraction would help me feel better, but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped."
He raised his eyebrows. "By a distraction, do you mean Eddie Edgecombe?" There was no judgement in his tone, just understanding mixed with a touch of amusement.
"That's exactly what I mean," she said. "I thought it would take my mind off of everything, and it did for a bit, but afterwards I just felt worse." She considered telling Remus how she had instinctively traced her fingers along Eddie's chest, expecting to feel the raised line of Sirius's scar. She considered describing the emptiness that had pressed in on her as she pulled her clothes back on and made the long trek back to the common room after bidding Eddie goodbye. Even the thought of putting all of that into words exhausted her, however, so instead she gazed into the fire and said simply, "It just made me miss him more."
The room was silent for a minute except for the crackle of the fire and the rustle of the blanket as Remus stretched out his long legs. Mary was beginning to wonder if she had shared too much when he broke the silence.
"Do you think once you've had a chance to cool down and think everything over, that you might be able to forgive him and talk through all this?"
The memory of Sirius's voice came back to her, his words soft and earnest as they lay together by the fire on Monday night. I didn't have a chance to give you any sort of response, to tell you how I feel, but… She took a deep breath, unable to shake the fear that she might have missed her opportunity to talk things through.
"I hope so," she murmured, her words barely more than a whisper. She played his words over and over in her head until she thought she might go mad. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she added, "I'm just afraid it might be too late."
There was no response. Glancing over at Remus, she realized he had fallen asleep. She heaved a sigh, then stood up and tucked his blanket more tightly around him.
"Night, Remus," she whispered before retrieving her blanket and a pillow from the chair and stretching out on the floor in front of the fire. Somehow this was the next best thing to sleeping in Sirius's bed, and she found herself more relaxed than she had been in days. Before she slipped into a fitful doze, she allowed the tears to fall as she imagined the safety and warmth of Sirius's arms around her.