Saturday, December 3, 1977
"I still can't believe you have to buy a bloody Christmas present for Bertram Aubrey and you aren't going to ask Prongs to let you switch," Sirius said, shaking his head in disbelief as they climbed the stairs to the dormitory. "What's the point of being friends with the Head Boy if you aren't even going to use it to your advantage?"
"I told you, it would mess up the whole thing if I tried to switch now," Remus said, his tone resigned. "It's not that bad. At least I didn't get Snape - I'd have no idea what to get him."
Sirius laughed. "Are you kidding? You could just get him a giant bottle of shampoo. Easiest Christmas shopping trip ever."
"Lily's all fussed about what to get Stacy Tremblay," Peter said. "But I think she'd be thrilled to get a framed photo of Padfoot naked."
"Right, but anyone would be thrilled to get that as a gift," Sirius said, smirking. "Merlin, I don't want to decorate the bloody common room today. What do you think the chances are that Prongs will let me get out of it?"
"Pretty slim, I'd say," Peter said, pulling open the door and stepping into the dormitory. "Unless you-"
He broke off and burst into laughter, which struck Sirius as ominous. He followed Peter and Remus through the doorway, and his eyes were immediately accosted by red and green. The beds, the trunks, the bedside tables and everything on them: everything in the room was covered by shiny foil wrapping paper. Sirius took a step forward and heard a crinkling sound, then looked down to see that even the floor was covered in a layer of the wrapping paper. Muttering under his breath, he crossed to his bedside table and picked up a small rectangular wrapped parcel.
"He even wrapped my fucking cigarettes," Sirius said after shaking the little box and hearing a telltale rattle inside.
"He's wrapped my books and chocolate bars, too," Remus said, grinning and pointing to the wrapped items on his own bedside table.
"Why does my bed have about a hundred more bows than anyone else's?" Peter asked.
Sirius glanced at Peter's bed and snorted with laughter when he noticed the bows stuck all over the mattress, dotting the pillow, and decorating the bed posts and curtains.
"You like that, Pete?" James asked, entering the room with Lily following behind him. "I thought that was a nice touch."
"I see you found the cigarettes," Lily said, gesturing at the small rectangular package in Sirius's hand. "That's my favorite part."
"Did you read the tag though?" James asked. "You can't open it until Christmas."
Sirius glanced at the tag, then tore it off and tossed it at James's head. "Sod off. This is why you two didn't come down to breakfast?" he asked, shaking his head in disbelief. "You said you were shagging!"
"No, we said we needed some time alone in the dormitory," James said, grinning.
"Sorry, how does that not mean shagging?" Sirius demanded as he tore off the wrapping paper to reveal not a pack of cigarettes, but a Bertie Botts box with several rolled up scraps of parchment inside. "Prongs, you're an arsehole, you know that?" He unrolled one of the pieces of parchment and read Happy Christmas, Padfoot before tossing it aside and pointing his wand at James's pocket. "Accio cigarettes."
James made a wild grab, but his fingers closed on empty air as the cigarettes soared around behind him and landed in Sirius's outstretched hand.
"Nice one," James said, grinning. He examined the wrapped items on Remus's bedside table and nodded in approval. "Good work wrapping the chocolate bar and books separately, Evans. That's a nice touch."
Sirius walked over to the window and opened it before lighting up, ignoring the dirty look from Remus. "I can't believe you're participating in his Christmas nonsense, Evans," he said, taking a seat on the floor next to the window. "You're part of the problem, you know that?"
"He's very persuasive," Lily said, wrapping an arm around James. "And this was actually a lot of fun."
"Am I allowed to open my trunk to get another jumper to wear outside for our Christmas tree expedition, or do I need to wait until Christmas as well?" Remus asked.
"Ugh, don't remind him," Sirius said, exhaling a long stream of smoke. "I was hoping this would satisfy the Christmas cheer quota for the day."
"There is no Christmas cheer quota." James picked up a lumpy wrapped parcel and tossed it to Sirius. "Now open up your jacket, put it on, and come help us pick out a damn Christmas tree."
The icy December air felt good against Sirius's face as they strolled across the grounds and headed for the Forbidden Forest. Lily and James walked hand-in-hand, but when they reached the edge of the forest he released her hand and turned to Sirius.
"Want to race? You transform and I won't so it gives you a fair chance."
Sirius wanted to remain surly and taciturn, but the pull of the forest was too strong, so he transformed rather than answer and stood in front of James, wagging his tail.
"Go!" Lily shouted.
They both took off, dodging trees and jumping over roots as the wind tugged at Sirius's fur and stung his eyes. As his feet pounded the ground his anger and sadness slipped away, leaving nothing but a pure, simple joy. It remained even when he and James both came to a halt and collapsed onto the leaf-strewn ground, Sirius panting and James laughing. He changed back to human form but remained on the ground, staring up at the thick forest around him, then pointed at a lush pine tree directly overhead.
"Look at that one. It's about the right size, isn't it?"
"Ooh, it's perfect, Padfoot," Lily said, jogging up to them. "If I cut it, will you catch it when it starts to fall?"
Without waiting for him to respond, she knelt down and began sawing at the trunk. Sirius didn't stand up, but continued to lounge on the ground, pulling his wand from his pocket and twirling it between his fingers. He slipped his arm behind his head and watched in amusement as Lily pressed her lips together and frowned with the effort of sawing.
"Do you want me to take a turn?" James offered.
"Or we can just use magic," Peter suggested.
"No, I've almost got it," Lily said, her cheeks pink from exertion. "I like doing it this way. It feels more authentic."
She worked at the trunk for another minute, breathing a sigh of relief when the tree began to fall.
"Padfoot!" Remus cried, his eyes wide with alarm as he darted forward to try to catch the tree.
"Arresto momentum," Sirius said with a lazy flick of his wand, and the tree slowed and landed in Remus's outstretched hands. "No need to look so panicked," he said as he brushed pine needles from his face and stood up. "If I say I'm going to catch the tree, I'm going to catch the bloody tree. If I didn't, Prongs would probably tell me off for violating some Christmas rule."
He set off for the castle, levitating the tree in front of him and bumping it into low-hanging branches along the way.
"Mind that tree," James said, grimacing as Sirius ran it headlong into the trunk of a huge oak tree and sent needles cascading to the ground. "It'll be no use to us if it has no needles left by the time we get back to the castle.
"Oh, quit worrying, Prongs, it's fine," Sirius said, brushing the tree's branches against yet another tree. "As it is we're probably going to have to do some creative maneuvering to get it through the window. It's probably to our benefit to knock off a few needles."
When they made it out of the forest and over to the area below the Gryffindor common room, and James had deemed the tree in adequate condition despite the rough transport, Sirius frowned as something occurred to him.
"Did you ask someone to help guide it through the window for us?" He seemed to recall Peter doing that last year.
"We did," James said, glancing at Lily before adding, "I asked Macdonald, just because she happened to be there."
Sirius nodded. He had noticed Mary sitting by the fire in the common room, although he had walked by without acknowledging her, because that was better than an awkward wave or brisk nod followed by the pang of sadness he felt when Mary responded with the same lack of enthusiasm. In other circumstances she would have joined their tree-cutting expedition, exchanging sideways looks with Sirius whenever James said something over-the top and giggling at their childish joy as they raced through the trees. But of course the circumstances were not different, and imagining what could have been threatened to rob Sirius of the fragile happiness he had achieved today, so he pushed the thoughts aside and looked at James.
"You don't have to look like that," he said, his words so quiet that James had to lean closer to hear. "I'm not going to lose it and start throwing things every time I see her or her name is mentioned. She's in our house, and Evans is best friends with her, and we're going to have to see each other, and that's fine. I'm fine."
James looked at Lily, then his eyes traveled to Remus and Peter. They seemed to confirm something, because he nodded and said, "All right, then, if you're really fine with it, what would you say about a party in the common room tonight with everyone? You know, to show off the new decorations."
"I sort of mentioned it earlier and Mary seemed excited about the idea," Lily added. "But if you don't want to, obviously, you four can just sit in the dormitory and drink, and I can sort of bounce between…"
"Or we can go into Hogsmeade, if you'd rather," Peter said, a hint of nervousness in his voice as he studied Sirius's face.
"No, we're doing the damn common room party," Sirius said firmly. "It's tradition or some rubbish, right? Didn't we have a party last year the night after we decorated the common room? I seem to remember shouting at people to keep it down because Moony was sleeping."
"I seem to remember waking up and hearing you shouting," Remus said, grinning. "But I appreciated the thought."
"It's settled, then," James said, pointing his wand at the tree and levitating it up to the common room window before tapping on the glass.
After a moment, the window opened and Mary looked out at them and waved.
"Why'd you get such a big tree?" she called down.
"You have to go big for Christmas!" James shouted back.
"It seemed fine before we cut it down," Lily called. "But now I'm not sure it's going to fit."
"That's what she said," Sirius muttered, and he watched Mary's lips form the same words.
"We can just jam it in," James said, gesturing at the window. "It'll fit if you make it fit."
"No, don't let him just jam it in, Mary!" Lily yelled. "The hole's not big enough."
"Are you doing this on purpose?" Sirius asked, smirking.
"Doing what on purpose?" Lily asked, frowning. "And why is Mary dying of laughter up there?"
Sirius looked up to see Mary leaning against the side of the window, doubled over with laughter. For a moment their eyes met and she mouthed "Just jam it in," before she seemed to remember herself and looked away. Sirius felt the amusement ebbing away, leaving him with an uncomfortable emptiness as he turned over the interaction in his mind. It had been a reminder of the inside jokes and funny moments they used to share, and it made him want to drink firewhisky until he was too numb to remember how close they had been. But he had to stop letting everyone see how much this was getting to him, so he forced back the wave of melancholy and nudged James.
"So are you going to go ahead and jam it in or not?"
The tree made it into the common room after Mary enlarged the window, and they all headed inside to begin decorating. James whistled as they walked, his hand clasped around Lily's. She beamed at James and there were pine needles in her hair. Sirius had to look away, because their happiness was painful to look at.
"You good, Padfoot?" Peter asked, noticing his pained expression.
"I'm good," Sirius replied. I'd be better with a drink. Or six.
He picked up his pace, eager to get the decorating out of the way so they could move on to the party. He longed for laughter and music and Exploding Snap, and the relaxed, blurred edges and dulled feelings achieved after consuming the ideal amount of firewhisky. His pain and the futility of the situation and the hole he and Mary had dug for themselves, it all felt too sharp and impossible to ignore, and he needed the noise and distraction of a party before he went mad from being forced to acknowledge his feelings.
When they returned to the common room, there was no sign of Mary, and Sirius wondered if she had gone to meet Eddie or if she had simply gone up to her dormitory. He hung garland all around the common room while James, Lily, and Peter decorated the tree and Remus added fairy lights and mistletoe to the ceiling. When they finished decorating and admiring their work, James and Lily slunk up to the dormitory after exchanging a knowing look, and Remus disappeared with Seven after ignoring Sirius's smirk and assuring everyone that they were just going to do a bit of reading.
"Do you want to go into Hogsmeade for supplies?" Peter asked. "Someone will have to go, and since everyone else is shagging…"
"I think I might go down to the library," Sirius said. "See if Stacy's around, you know?"
He wasn't really in the mood to see Stacy, but it beat spending the afternoon moping in his bed or trudging into Hogsmeade while Peter tried painfully hard not to upset him.
Peter looked crestfallen, but he shrugged and nodded. "Okay. I can just go, I suppose. Er, have fun."
He found Stacy seated at a table in the library with several other Ravenclaws. She twirled her quill between her fingers as she poured over an Arithmancy book, but a smile spread across her face as she looked up and saw him standing beside her. She followed him to an aisle far from Madam Pince's desk, then reached over to brush something from his collar.
"There are pine needles on your jacket," she explained, letting her fingers brush against his neck and collarbone before pulling her hand away reluctantly. "What've you been doing?"
Sirius grinned. "James made us cut down a Christmas tree and decorate the common room," he said. "We're apparently having a Christmas party later."
She raised her eyebrows. "Will Macdonald be there?"
Sirius shrugged. "I dunno. I suppose she will, if she's not off with Edgecomb," he said, trying and failing to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
"Merlin, you're so jealous," she said, rolling her eyes. "You're lucky you're so good looking and charming and good in bed, otherwise I'd be smart enough not to let you use me to get over Macdonald."
"I'm not using you to get over her," he protested, ignoring the nagging voice in his head that insisted that was exactly what he was doing. "I don't need to get over her, because we were never officially together. We were friends who shagged, and now we're not, so I thought you could take on that role, but if you're not okay with it being casual-"
"Of course I'm okay with it," she said quickly. "I just…" Her voice trailed off, and Sirius thought he detected a flicker of sadness in her eyes, but it was gone in an instant, and she shook her head and smiled, repeating, "Of course I'm okay with it."
"Good," Sirius said, and a wave of relief spread through his body, because he needed the distraction she provided, and he wasn't sure he could get through the evening without it. "Now let's go back to when you said I'm good in bed, because I don't think I'm anything less than great, and I'm willing to prove it now, if you can tear yourself away from Arithmancy for a bit."
She nodded. "I suppose my Arithmancy isn't going anywhere. You want to go to the Prefects' bathroom? We haven't been there in a while."
Afterwards Sirius went to the Astronomy Tower to smoke a cigarette, in no hurry to return to the common room. The chilly air froze his damp hair, but it felt good after the stifling heat of the Prefects' bathroom. He lit a cigarette and leaned against the stone wall, gazing down at the grounds as the nicotine worked its way through his bloodstream. He felt a tiny brush of cold against his face and realized that light snowflakes were beginning to fall. Prongs will bloody love this, he thought, exhaling a stream of smoke and watching it mingle with the falling snow. He thought about Mary and all the cigarettes they had smoked together, huddled together for warmth here on the Astronomy Tower, stretched out on his bed with or without the window open, walking across the grounds on the way to Herbology or sheltered in a doorway in the courtyard between classes. Sometimes he still held out the pack to offer her a cigarette, although he had almost broken this habit, because it caused him a sharp pang of sadness every time he caught himself doing it. This is bloody pathetic. Can't even have a cigarette without being a sentimental sod.
He ground out his cigarette and jammed his hands into his pockets, then took a deep breath and set off for the common room. The cigarette and bracing air had done nothing to clear his head, but with a colossal effort he buried the emotions that had risen to the surface and forced a smile onto his face. Tonight he was going to get drunk and play games and hopefully do something reckless and stupid, and he was not going to waste any more time feeling sad or angry about Mary, because he had exhausted his quota for complex emotions for the next year. Feeling satisfied with his resolution, he felt a small smile tug at the corner of his lips as he stepped through the portrait hole into the common room and launched himself into his usual chair.
"All right, which one of you tossers is going to get inappropriately drunk with me tonight?"
Hours later, Sirius sat on the floor with his legs stretched out, leaning back against James's chair as he sipped his drink. The music and laughter and chatter in the background meant that people had to strain to hear each other, but Sirius didn't mind, because the noise made it difficult to get lost in brooding thoughts. He considered the tower of cards in front of him, then carefully leaned forward and plucked one from the top.
"Hmm, sevenses chooseses," he said, holding the card up for everyone to see.
"Do you have to say it like that every single time?" Remus protested. He sat in his usual chair with Seven wedged next to him, and alcohol had eased the worry and tension from his face, lending him a relaxed, dreamy look. Seven's hand rested on his thigh, and her other hand was clutched around a drink that she and Remus were sharing. They looked comfortable and intimate and so bloody happy, and Sirius found his gaze drifting to Mary, but the firewhisky had dulled his emotions so he felt only a faint, vague sadness rather than the usual stab of pain.
"You're supposed to say it like that," he said. "It's how the game works, Moony. And you're lucky you're on my team, or I'd choose you to drink."
He glanced around, and his eyes fell again on Mary. She looked far too sober for this point in a game of Firecracker, and Sirius felt called to change that. So far this evening they had occupied the same space and played the same games without directly acknowledging each other, but now it all seemed so silly, so unnecessary. Why couldn't he give her a drink? Why couldn't they laugh about Lily's unintentional double entendre or smoke together or lay on the floor in front of the fire doing homework, or… He felt his mind begin to race out of control, so he reigned in his thoughts and focused on the task at hand. Giving her a drink felt like a peace offering, a step in the right direction. Grinning, he raised his drink in the air and met her gaze.
"Macdonald, you can have a drink."
She raised her eyebrows in surprise, then grinned and raised her drink in his direction before taking a sip.
"Thanks for that, Black," she said, brushing a piece of hair out of her face.
He shrugged, trying not to think about all the times he had to push her hair out of his face. "You looked thirsty."
"You know me, I'm always thirsty."
Her eyes lingered on his for a moment longer, and he felt a sudden urge to close the distance between them, to tangle his hands in her curls and taste the firewhisky on her lips and forget about the past few weeks. But then she looked away and pulled another card, and the moment was gone, washed down with a large gulp of firewhisky.
The night wore on, descending into the usual drunken shenanigans. Firecracker ended when Olivia bumped the table and knocked the entire tower over, and the resulting sparks caught Peter's chair on fire. Once the flames were extinguished and everyone got their laughter under control, Lily squealed in delight and turned up a favorite song, then jumped up onto the table and pulled Sirius up next to her.
"What are you doing, Evans?" he asked.
"We're going to dance and sing on top of this table, because this is an excellent song and I'm the exact amount of drunk to not care that I look like an idiot, and I need you up here so you aren't sitting down there laughing at me because I look like an idiot."
She wrapped an arm around him and held her wand up like a microphone, and he felt the irresistible pull of the music and the alcohol as Lily sang the first few words of the song. Grinning, he left coherent thought behind as he lost himself to the simple joy of a drunken singalong with this girl who had become one of his best friends.
"You're all right, Evans," he said once the last bars of the song were fading.
She lowered her wand microphone and wiped away tears of laughter before stepping down from the table and smiling up at him.
"I love you too, Padfoot," she said.
"I didn't say-" he began, but she pulled a box of Bertie Botts from her pocket and tossed one for him to catch before he could argue further.
He caught the marmalade-flavored bean and gestured for her to throw another, marveling that she had seen right through him, because of course he loved her and had told her in the only way he knew how. Why couldn't Mary understand that? The thought was too painful to entertain, so he motioned for Lily to throw more Bertie Botts and he dove for them one-by-one, making each catch more dramatic than the last, anything to avoid thinking those thoughts.
"This would be better on a broom," he announced, grabbing a bean out of the air and tossing it at Peter to get his attention. "Wormtail, can you Summon my broom? Prongs's too, and you can throw to us while we fly around and compete to catch them."
"We've had worse ideas," James mused.
When Peter obliged, the two of them mounted their brooms and darted around the common room, dodging the Christmas decorations and catching Bertie Botts while the rest bounced off of peoples' heads and came to rest on the floor or between the sofa cushions. Once most of the box was gone, Sirius began to lose the giddy, drunken happiness that had washed over him while he and Lily sang on top of the table. Desperate to hang onto the feeling, he cast around for something to prolong the joy and keep the creeping thoughts at bay.
"I bet I can do this standing up on the broom," he said. "Who wants to see me try?"
"You're going to fall on your arse," Remus said. He was curled up with Seven on the sofa, and his eyes were half-closed, but he wore the same relaxed smile from earlier. "But I'm all for watching that. I could use a good laugh."
"Pete, be ready to do a cushioning charm, though," James urged. "Because I'm far too drunk to do any sort of healing spells."
"I'm not doing it in here, though," Sirius said, flying towards the window and prying it open with difficulty. "It'll be more impressive out here. Come over to the window, everyone, so you can get a proper view."
"Don't be stupid, Sirius, you'll break your neck," Lily argued.
"No I won't. Pete is going to be prepared to do a cushioning charm, and besides, I'll be fine either way."
Sirius finally succeeded in opening the window, and he flew out into the brisk night air, feeling goosebumps on his exposed arms. The night had a fuzzy, dreamlike quality, as though Sirius was watching all of this unfold from a distance instead of living it himself. He began to hoist himself to his feet, but he lost his balance and had to grab onto the broom with both hands to avoid toppling off.
"Get back in here, Sirius!" Lily cried, her eyes wide with alarm. "You're making me nervous. James, tell him to get in here before he hurts himself!"
James shrugged. "Have you ever tried telling Sirius not to do something, Evans? It's extremely counterproductive." He met Sirius's gaze and raised his eyebrows. "You good, Pads?"
"I'm bloody excellent," Sirius assured him. "Hang on, I just need to get on my feet and then I'll be fine…"
He attempted to stand up again and managed to stay upright by grabbing onto the edge of the window. Lily let out a strangled gasp and Peter watched in nervous anticipation, but Sirius noticed their reactions with amused detachment. He took a moment to steady himself before letting go of the window and holding his arms out for balance. The broom held under his feet despite the light breeze and his slightly clumsy movements, and he felt no fear despite the long, dizzying distance to the ground below.
"Come on, throw me a Bertie Botts, Pete!" Sirius urged.
"Sirius, get in here!" Lily shouted. "James, give me your broom, I'm going out there."
She tried to tug the broom from James's hand, but he tightened his grip and shook his head.
"Leave it, Evans, he's okay," he said, putting an arm around her. "You're drunk, and your flying skills aren't the best even when you're sober. I don't want you falling off."
"Well, you get out there, then," she insisted, shrugging out of his embrace. "This is mad."
Peter stood poised with the box of Bertie Botts in his hand, looking between Sirius, Lily, and James with an expression of uncertainty on his face. Every time he reached for a bean to throw, Lily's panicked voice made him return it to the box, so that he repeated the same motion three times and Sirius laughed until the movement made the broom shift under his feet and he repressed his laughter.
"Move over," Sirius heard Mary mutter, and she nudged James and Lily out from in front of the window and stood there looking at Sirius with an exasperated smile on her face. "Get your arse in here, you prat."
"Sod off, Macdonald," he said, holding up his hand in a rude gesture. "I'm showing off my impressive Bertie Botts-catching skills."
"And we're all very impressed, but I'm thirsty, and I want to have a drink with you, and if I remember correctly, I owe you a drink."
She hurried back across the common room and returned with a bottle of firewhisky, holding it up for him to see. The familiar slosh of the liquid inside the bottle was tempting, even though he had already consumed more than was advisable. Her eyes locked onto his, and her lips curved up into an exasperated smile that drew him in and made him forget the frantic need for drunken happiness that had led him here in the first place.
"Throw me a Bertie Botts," he insisted, because it felt somehow important for him to prove he could do it. "Come on, Macdonald, just toss one over."
She hesitated, biting her lip and frowning, before she turned to Peter and plucked the box from his hand, selecting a bean and rolling it between her fingers.
"Don't move," she cautioned him. "Just open your mouth. I won't miss."
He followed her instructions and watched her take aim before sending the bean soaring through the air to land neatly into his open mouth. He grinned, chewing and swallowing it without tearing his gaze away from her.
"Now come here, you idiot," she said, leaning out the window and holding her arms out to him.
He stretched out his arms and clasped her hands, letting her guide him back in through the window. He let go and jumped to the ground, and his broom drifted away to bump against the wall. Mary pulled the window shut behind him, then took a swig from the bottle of firewhisky and offered it to him.
"You're an idiot, Black, you know that?" she said.
Her cheeks were flushed from the firewhisky and the heat of the fire, and her hair was tousled around her shoulders and for a moment the tumult of the past few weeks fell away and they were Black and Macdonald again, sharing a drink and teasing each other like they had done so many times. He almost put his arm around her to lead her upstairs, where they would toss their clothes onto the floor and work through all the lingering frustration and unexpressed emotions, and afterwards they would smoke a cigarette and fall asleep with their arms wrapped around each other and Mary's hair tickling Sirius's chin. But then Sirius remembered her words by the fire and the things she had implied about his family and the way she had looked standing naked next to Eddie Edgecomb, and his resolve fell away.
"That shouldn't come as a surprise to you," he said, grinning despite his pounding heart. "Fancy another game of Exploding Snap?"
He looked around at his friends, realizing they were all watching him with expressions of nervous relief.
"Come play Exploding Snap and quit staring at me like that," he said, leading the way back to their cluster of chairs. "You too, Moony. It's too early to fall asleep."
He risked one more glance at Mary as he sat down and began to shuffle the cards. Her face was unreadable, and for a brief moment he wondered if she had felt the same urge to return to what they had been. He could have spent all night puzzling over this, but it was impossible to know for sure, and there was no use dwelling on it, so he put the thought from his mind and concentrated on the cards in his hand and the firewhisky and his friends' laughter.