Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki. This amazing anime was created by Asuka Yamazaki, Kazuhiko Hasegawa and Mitsutoshi Ogura. I only created my Asuna and some side characters.
Beta Reader: Waffle (Thank you for being the bestest!)
Rated Teen for violence, blood, coarse language and / or sexually suggestive scenes (rating will change to Mature in the future as story progresses, readers have been advised).
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Kiss Of Snow
By: Swanna
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Chapter 26: Two Minds, Two Hearts
By the time Asuna and Kazama were back in Kyoto, the hot and humid summer had already begun. The vast sky was painted with scattered white clouds sailing across the endless blue; bright in the midday summer sunlight.
Asuna looked ahead at the busy street, crowded with mortals coming and going from shops and inns. She then focused her gaze on Kazama's back as she chose to walk behind him once again. Traveling with him on a journey had been quite an…adventure, the way things had turned out for them. He hadn't touched her again since the day she'd offered her blood to him. She'd also threatened to leave midway through their return to Kyoto together, if he didn't relent in his advances. Though she was aware the promise had ended the moment they were back in the city. It would only be a matter of time before he'd start pushing her again.
At first she'd thought that if she ignored Kazama long enough, he would eventually tire of being rejected and give up altogether. But Asuna discovered that the more she kept her distance and withdrew from him, the more curious he became. The more she fought him, the more it intrigued him. That ironic realization only heightened her wariness even further, and it'd become so superfluous that she felt the need to keep him in her sight and proximity at all times. Which, of course, was rather a waste of nervous energy.
It wouldn't be long though, she reminded herself. They would go their separate ways soon enough, and then she'd never have to see him again as there would be no reason to.
"I know my way to Sumi," Asuna said as she stopped walking. "There's no need to escort me there."
Naturally, Kazama would not allow himself to be dismissed so easily. There was no rancor of accusation in his words, but he threw her a questioning look that told her he expected some explanation. "We've only just arrived back in the city and you already want me gone?"
"I simply do not wish to keep you from your priorities, especially when you have a war to fight alongside the mortals." A deliberate response served to distract him away from her.
During the past few weeks, she had been his constant focus, the centering point of his attention. A fierce protectiveness towards her also seemed to have taken hold too, one that Kazama apparently no longer bothered to hide or deny. And now Asuna needed his attention to be shifted away from her so he would stop pursuing her.
"Does it bother you?"
She blinked, puzzled. "Does what bother me?"
"My involvement with the humans." He paused, waiting for her to make the connection. "I have reasons for what I do. Do you want to know my reasons?"
"What you do is none of my business."
Keeping his features as emotionless as hers, he closed the distance between them with three long strides until his warm breath fanned her cheek. "But you don't like what I do."
The oddness of the statement wasn't lost on either of them. Demons placed no emotional importance on anything unrelated to themselves.
"It doesn't matter what I like."
"Maybe it does. Maybe it also matters to me what you think of me," Kazama said gently and inexorably, as he took a lock of her hair and rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger. "Your hair is like silk. I've never felt hair this soft and lustrous before."
He stared at it as if he was utterly mesmerized, letting the strands slide through his fingers and then starting over. It was the worst thing he or anyone else could have done, making that connection with her, touching her. She had meant to remind him of his priorities. Instead, she stood here all tangled up in something she hadn't expected. Somehow her plan to distract him was beginning to look more and more tenuous.
"Don't concern yourself over my perceptions of you, I don't have any." Stepping out of his reach, she freed her hair from his grip by combing her fingers through it to tuck behind her ear. Never once had his eyes wavered from her face. She could practically feel the predatory heat of his stare. "What you choose to do or believe in has nothing to do with me. If there's nothing else, then I think it's best that I leave you to your obligations."
"Aren't you forgetting something?" He asked caustically when she started to walk away. Asuna sought to understand his meaning as she was genuinely confused by his question. But the seriousness emanating from his expression in palpable waves stilled her racing thoughts. "You should give me the demon slaying sword."
Her alertness immediately changed to alarm. "Why do you want it?"
"Simple." A half smirk tilted the corner of his mouth. "This legendary sword possesses a great power, the power of strength. Whoever holds this weapon will attain the strength far beyond that of any known demons. I can also effectively utilize this weapon to its full potential."
There was something about Kazama Chikage that set him apart from other male demons. Something elemental that made Asuna on edge, an expectation that ought to put her on her guard and repel her. At times he acted as if he was tainted by ambition and repressed power, which could possibly lead to carnage and mayhem. She sensed a foreboding in what he said, that he could make things happen. Things she didn't even want to begin thinking about. And it would only be improvident of her to give a ruthless demon a weapon that could carve a path of destruction in its wake.
"I'll keep the sword."
Those demon-red eyes narrowed, regarding her with cold speculation. "After everything I've done, I think I've earned this sword and can claim ownership of it. So why don't you hand it over to me?"
"I'll keep the sword," She repeated with suppressed ferocity. It didn't pass her notice that Kazama was more than displeased with her, but she ignored it.
"You know I can take it by force if I wish."
Asuna swivelled back to look at him and saw the sharp intelligence, the power and fury in his gaze. It almost seemed like he was zeroing in on his targeted prey like a true predator, before the final fatal pounce. She knew he was dangerous, but so was she, and he could never be allowed to forget that.
"I don't know what scheme you're trying to concoct and I also don't really care what your real reason was for your involvement in the first place. But if your only motive was to get your hands on this sword all along, then you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers."
She began to sidestep past him again, but he caught her wrist and pulled her back towards him. His other arm wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly against him as if he would never let her go. It all happened too fast for even Asuna to react, much less raise any defense against it. His intention was unmistakable, though her discomfort was dispersed. She understood his tactics by now and refused to be surprised by him again. In a futile attempt to escape, she tried pushing against his shoulder to pull away, but couldn't get him to release his strong hold.
"When are you going to learn that it's useless to fight me," Kazama said, holding fast to her waist. At her slightest struggle, his grip only tightened more.
In his thrall, she relinquished her struggles and stayed stiff against him. At the same time, she also willed herself not to respond to his taunt. She knew he was toying with her in the same way a cat would toy with a dragonfly right before its sheathed paw finally stilled the chattering wings.
There was no escape.
Especially not when the stifling force of his embrace told her that he had no intention of releasing her anytime soon. Although Asuna could probably fight him off if she had to, she was unsure of the amount of strength it would take her to do so. Meanwhile, she was keenly aware that they were drawing the attention of the townspeople, and some had even stopped to observe what was happening. They would only expose themselves to too many prying eyes if she gave way to violence under the strain now.
"Come with me," he spoke again, though his tone was strangely softer with an unnatural calmness. "You and I, we can become powerful together and do anything we want. We can make things better for ourselves and for our future generations."
"You should stop dwelling on something that won't happen and focus on yourself. Not on me," she replied, completely unmoved by his words of assurance about a future together.
"I know and see who you are. Surely you must know that you're also not immune to my advances, so you can't pretend with me. I understand you, and I only desire you as my mate."
As far as Asuna was concerned, none of it mattered. She didn't want him or anyone else to have any claims on her. That much was obvious.
"I've said it before and I will say it for the last time. I do not want a mate and I won't be your mate."
Not that she didn't believe in his capability to fulfill his promises or providing her with everything a mate could ever want. But allowing a mate into her life would only complicate things. It would make her weak and vulnerable; it would make her need. It would mean to give herself to him wholly and entrust herself to him completely. And that wasn't something she could afford to give to anyone. Least of all a male demon who radiated danger when driven by his overpowering ambitions.
A hint of steel entered his indifferent pose, as if her rejection had been an unacceptable affront. "Why do you keep denying me? I am more than suitable as a husband and a father, and my strength alone makes me desirable in the demon world. I'll have you know that many have sought a union with me, but I have chosen you because I know how like-minded we are."
The arrogance in his comment made her temper rise and all the more determined to resist him. "Are you trying to tell me everything that has happened with Einosuke so far has been a ruse devised to display your dominance and strength? Then I suppose your injury must've also been a calculated act meant for me to see your…unbreakable endurance too."
Kazama stared at her with a rich crimson gaze that held pure menace. "One day," he said calmly, "that sharp tongue of yours will get you into more trouble than you can handle."
She wasn't close to violence before, but she was now. And all of it directed at Kazama Chikage. "I should have let you bleed out by the stream."
This time he flashed her a dark grin, enjoying her witty retort. "But you didn't let me die, did you? As much as you wanted to be rid of me, you couldn't let me die. And you should at least concede that it has to mean something."
Asuna remained wordless. As much as she might not want to admit it, there was merit to his words. There had been nothing stopping her from leaving him that day after she'd gotten what she wanted from him. But even with his misgivings, she couldn't fathom abandoning him when he was injured.
Then there was a certain level of trust she'd placed in Kazama when she had offered him her blood. It was as though she had known he wouldn't hurt her, even when he hadn't been as sure himself. Not to mention sharing blood was an act of great honor amongst demons; an intimate practice typically reserved for mates only. Even though Asuna had done it so he could recover from his wounds, it was by no measure a worthless offering.
"Kazama! What are you trying to do to Asuna-chan?!" Senhime demanded as she emerged from the crowd.
"Your timing is impeccable as always," he muttered sarcastically, but he released Asuna and moved away.
Senhime glared at him as if he were something vile that had slithered up from beneath the ground. "How could you conduct and behave in such a shameless manner? What have you got to say for yourself?"
"Keep out of this, Senhime." He favored her with a hard look, making no effort to hide his irritation. They were at an impasse and neither one was willing to back down or yield. "This is our business and what we do is between us. Not you or anyone else."
She scoffed in bewilderment. "If you would've left Asuna-chan alone, then I wouldn't have had any need to get involved in any of this!"
His attention returned to Asuna, not even deigning to glance at Senhime anymore. "I must leave Kyoto as I do have some matters to take care of, but I will come back for you later. You don't see it now, but soon you'll come to realize that we are so much more alike than we are different, because deep down we're the same. And I hope by then, you'll be prepared to deal with that realization."
Asuna didn't say anything. She merely lifted her head a trifle in awareness as she watched him stride off and disappear around the corner.
Over the past few weeks, she'd learnt that Kazama wasn't only aggressive, he was also overbearing and forceful. She wondered what was he like as a child. What forces had shaped him into the demon he was today? A man that did whatever it took to get what he wanted, no matter the consequences to others, what boundaries he needed to cross and who he had to stamp over in his path.
On the other hand, Asuna couldn't deny he possessed certain qualities that stood out too. There was an unconscious selflessness about him. An instinctual need to look out for fellow demons around him who were in need. She'd seen this character trait, and she'd seen him in action when danger swirled around them.
The only thing that had stood between her and death that day was Kazama. In the end, how could she fault him for trying to save her life? As much as she didn't want to feel this way, she was grateful. He had been focusing on her safety even though she was distrustful of him. Had it not been for his quick action, things might have gone very differently for her. She owed him, she reflected, every bit as much as she owed Hijikata. Whatever happened in the future, she was compelled to return the favor to both men one day.
"Are you alright, Asuna-chan?" Senhime asked, her voice laced with worry.
An affirmative nod was given without commenting further on the subject. "How did you know I was back?"
"I didn't. I came out to buy some supplies, and it was a good thing I did. Who knows what Kazama would have done if I hadn't run into you two and intervened?"
"I would have stopped him if he'd taken things too far." That much was true. Although he was crowding her, for some odd reason she knew he never intended her physical harm. At least not today.
"That Kazama…" Senhime let out a huff of what was probably resignation. "He always thinks he can behave as he pleases and get away with it. He's never restrained by anyone's disapproval of his actions an-"
Her words trailed off and were followed by an abrupt pause, seemingly bringing her concentration elsewhere. Curious, Asuna looked over her shoulder following the path of Senhime's gaze and her eyes instantly collided with the last person she had expected or wanted to see at such an inopportune moment.
Hijikata.
Asuna took a sustaining breath as his name crossed her mind. She stood perfectly still, staring at Hijikata as he approached closer with Kondou beside him. It seemed so long ago, but she could still remember his scent. Could still feel the trace of his fingers along her skin and his warm breath against her cheek. A distinct heat coursed through her, melting the ice. A heat that she could not ever recall feeling before him.
"Asuna and Senhime-kun, we didn't think we'd run into you both out here. I guess the odds were in our favor today." Kondou smiled with the same kindness he'd bestowed on his Vice-Commanders and Captains, a genuine affection for the Shinsengumi family. "It's good to see you, Asuna. Have you been well lately?"
Thankful for the diversion, she looked away from Hijikata and turned her head towards Kondou, nodding soberly without a verbal answer or a hint of a smile.
"That's good to know. Everyone misses you at the headquarters, even though nobody has the courage to say it. I didn't know you left us until after the fact too, and I was disappointed that I didn't have the chance to bid you farewell."
"There was no need for it." Farewells and gratitude were unnecessary, especially when she certainly had none to impart.
Not even the bit least unnerved by her cold response, Kondou held his smile in place. It was the very picture of a courteous, if not insistent man. Hijikata, however, was unusually quiet. From his mannerisms it was quite obvious that something was weighing on his mind, bothering him. It made her wonder about the state of things within the Shinsengumi.
But what was it to her? Surely there had been a reasonable cause for her to worry about his safety before, but since when had the Demon Vice-Commander's affairs also become her concern?
Asuna didn't realize she had been staring at Hijikata, as if the paradox of what she was really feeling suddenly became clear. Except nothing was clear. There were so many unanswerable questions floating about in her head once again, and the thought of finding all the answers was suffocating and filled her with fatigue. Particularly when it clung to her like her own shadow, tormenting her as she grappled in the darkness of ignorance and helplessness. Maybe it would be best to just let things happen naturally. Many times, that was the one and only way for her to restore peace.
"Kondou-san, are you and Hijikata-san out running errands?" asked Senhime, pulling her mind back to the present.
A tender light came into his eyes as he spoke of his family. "Ah, I'm just buying a few things to send back to my wife and daughter."
"That's very thoughtful of you. Do you need help?"
"Now that you've offered, I could really use your help in choosing some fabrics for my wife. Women have better eyes for color and detail," he replied, clearly delighted at her generosity.
The cordiality of her smile echoed in her voice. "It would be my pleasure."
Kondou turned to Hijikata. "Then Toshi, why don't I meet you back at headquarters? I'm sure you and Asuna have a lot to say to each other after so long."
"Asuna-chan, I will see you at Sumi later too." A soothing hand was placed on her forearm.
Senhime may be young in years, but she had the wisdom of heart, mind and dignity; as well as the ability to think less emotionally when situations required pragmatic decision-making. Somehow she always found ways to look after others, make them comfortable and please them. A demoness of warmth and humanity, she represented the demon world as it could be in its most generous form.
"So what does your wife like, Kondou-san?" Senhime asked as she walked over to join him. The rest of their rapport was lost as they started down the street together.
Pure violet eyes looked into hers. "When did you get back?"
"Just now."
Reaching out, Hijikata touched her jawline. It was the barest graze from his fingertips, but the impact of his touch was fracturing her defensive walls. She withdrew as if she'd been scalded and stepped back, irritated by her own response.
He scrutinized her with a solemn gaze, his hand curling into a fist at her silent command. "You have a cut there."
Almost involuntarily Asuna lifted her fingers to her face, tracing lightly over the wound on her jaw in the exact spot he had touched. "It's nothing. It's already healing."
"Did he hurt you?" His voice hardened to cold steel.
"He?" For a moment she wasn't certain whom he was referring to. Then realization dawned. "You mean Kazama? No, he didn't do anything to me."
It wasn't a complete truth, but it surely wasn't a lie, either. To her, Kazama's advances were nothing more than an inconvenience. And she was no more than an amusement for him. She was no more than a challenge that he was resolved to rise to and overcome.
"I didn't know you two were close." A question phrased as a statement after a short pause.
Once, she wouldn't have answered Hijikata's implied question, awaiting a direct query. But once, she had stayed in a safe place within herself where she didn't feel anything at all. Her emotions were frozen so much like a block of ice. Now it was full of so much fire that it terrified even her.
"We're not. But he did save me."
Something flickered in his eyes. Something beyond impatient, almost angry. But the look vanished before she could question it, replaced by an indecipherable expression. He seemed to catch himself and was the first to break the gaze, glancing away. Several seconds went by without a word between them.
When he spoke again, his calm was forced. "Come for a walk."
"A walk?" she questioned, her tone slightly incredulous.
As of late, Asuna could barely keep her thoughts together whenever her mind wandered to him. Although the logical part of her reasoned that it was understandable, considering all they had been through together, spending more time with him wasn't likely to help matters.
Sensing her hesitation, he added, "You have nothing else to do right now anyway. So why not take a walk?"
Before she could refuse, Hijikata was already walking ahead of her and turned to see if she was following. Clearly he didn't intend to be put off easily. Worn down by his usual persistence, she breathed a sigh of exasperation and made her way over to him with quiet grace. They walked along silently, full of their own thoughts, listening to the low hum of voices in the background.
The silence between them was slow and drawn out. There were so many unspoken words lingering in the air, so much that needed to be said. But if Asuna couldn't unravel what any of them meant, then why speak them at all? Or perhaps this was her own means of making herself feel less unsettled? Particularly with the way things had ended between them in their last conversation?
At last, Hijikata broke the silence. "Is the conflict resolved for you?"
"I think so. At least for now." Asuna caught him giving her an inquiring look and knew she had to elaborate. "Some remaining complications may follow, and that's why I came back to Kyoto."
"Is there anything I can do?" He asked, eyes resting on her again.
Even after all that she had put him through, he was still willing to help her. Although she really didn't understand him, it spoke volumes about his integrity and character.
"No, your involvement is not needed." Her curt reply brought a halt to his footsteps.
"Are you still so stubborn that you would refuse my help even in something like this?" He cast her a chastising look, his violet eyes were limpid and penetrating in their depths. "And why didn't you tell me that you were going after your enemy by yourself?"
"No one was supposed to get involved with my personal problems and what you didn't know couldn't hurt you. I don't want you or anyone else to get hurt because of me." Bemused by his unexpected reaction, she had irrevocably said the first thing that came to mind without thinking.
But it was no less true. Even if he had known of her plans, he would've only thrusted himself into the heat of battle and risked his own life for her sake. He would have tried to think of some way to protect her, because that was the kind of man Hijikata Toshizou was. He couldn't walk away from someone whose life was in danger.
He came nearer to her, though she hadn't noticed he moved. "You don't think I can protect you?"
At this precise moment, Asuna could no longer tell whether it was the intense look in his eyes or her own chaotic feelings that were perturbing her. His gaze seemed to bore into her, seeing things she would rather no one knew about. It was as if he was seeking her secrets without giving any away himself. She had to resist the sudden urge to drag her eyes away from him. Instead, she held her breath and waited a few seconds, exerting a considerable effort to regain her composure.
"I don't need your protection and I don't need you to put your life in danger to save mine. I don't want anyone to die for me again. Not even you."
All at once, she realized she had shared something with him that she hadn't intended to reveal. It was just like the other night when she had found herself answering his questions about her nightmares. Even though it wasn't a secret, she had never discussed her innermost feelings about it. Not even with Takeda.
Only with Hijikata.
But what did all this mean to her? What bearing did it have on her own situation? At this point, Asuna wasn't sure what it meant anymore, other than the fact that it was complicated. Had her world changed? Had complication dared to infiltrate her controlled, undisturbed environment?
Hijikata also appeared to be caught completely off guard by what she'd said. He became motionless and his jaw muscles relaxed without his conscious control. He grew thoughtful for a moment, as if weighing all the reasons he'd been provided.
"You let me worry about myself." His voice was quiet, yet the power of his personality was enormous.
Asuna faced him, unwilling to back down from her stance. "Then I don't need you to worry about me, either. I've been on my own for longer than you can imagine and survived it without your help. I didn't need your protection then and I don't need it now."
"No matter what I say or do, I just can't win with you, can I?" His gaze lingered on her face a while longer before he continued walking ahead. And just like that, the conversation ended between them as if nothing was ever said. It was comforting for her.
It simplified things that way.
After a few minutes, Hijikata noticed Asuna quickened her pace and caught up to him to walk side-by-side with him again. He took advantage of the lack of conversation to try and sort out his feelings. He knew he'd instigated it all, and he was glad he'd given in and didn't press on their current strained conversation.
Since she'd been gone, he didn't feel quite…complete without her. He had swung between irritation at the odd sensation of need and exaltation at the thought of her return. It was ridiculous of how much he'd wanted her beside him. But now that she stood right beside him, he was saying all the wrong things to her.
"You don't think I can protect you?"
He regretted those words as soon as they had slipped out of his mouth. Hell, was he really that needy for her approval? Unfortunately, yes he was. Downright fucking desperate for it, if he must be completely honest with himself. And the best way to earn it was to protect her. It was almost a compulsion, one that he couldn't fight. He would never let anything happen to Asuna. And he would never fail like this again.
Never.
Hijikata knew he had more on his mind than protection. Try as hard as he would to deny it, he was jealous of Asuna's possible interest in Kazama. Just from the way Kazama had looked at her, he could also tell that bastard wanted her just as much as he did.
He was all too familiar with that feeling. He knew what it was like to feel the pull of a physical attraction so strong that it woke him out of an exhausted sleep, his body tense and hard. And he was pissed as hell.
Other times he would dream of her. He would dream of the curve of her lips, the scent of her hair and the feel of her body in his arms. But when he woke to reality, he found himself in his quarters alone and felt an emptiness he was no longer willing to ignore.
Although his senses somehow told him that what had happened between Asuna and Kazama had really been nothing beyond what he'd seen, the anger in his nerves was still migrating into ire. If Hijikata wasn't careful, proximity alone might push those two together into making a decision that would rip his heart into a thousand pieces.
At the same time, he was also thoroughly frustrated with himself. Never before had he been consumed with so much jealousy as he was right now, and truth be told, he didn't much like this feeling. Nor could he understand why he felt jealous since Asuna had certainly never given him any encouragement to think that she belonged to him. And if she really had feelings for another man, then he would have no other choice but to let her go, wouldn't he?
No, he wouldn't, he couldn't. Not when he felt as connected to her as if they were bound together. He wasn't ready to let anything come between them. But then what? Where did that leave them?
Hijikata sucked in a sharp breath, feeling completely and utterly lost in a sea of his own emotions. It took him a moment to notice that Asuna was no longer walking beside him. He glanced over his shoulder and found her staring at something from a fruit and vegetable shop.
"What is it?" He asked, backtracking to where she was.
Asuna didn't answer him right away. Her curious gaze was fixed on the two men while they were having their exchange in front of the shop.
"I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that we have the freshest fruits here." An older man, presumably the owner of the shop, held up a peach in his hand. "What about peaches? They were just harvested yesterday."
"Is there something you want to buy?" Hijikata asked, drawing her attention back to him.
"It's nothing," she said, evidently unwilling to share her thoughts with him and walked off.
He jerked his head around to the shop again and wondered what had caught her interest. Was it something that she wanted to buy? Even though she wasn't interested in human food and rarely ate it? He struggled to remember the last time she had finished her entire meal when she'd stayed with them, and there had always been leftovers for Shinpachi and Heisuke to fight over.
Hesitating for a split second, he quickly caught up in a few long strides and walked along with her again. Silence stretched between them once more as they strolled under the voracious heat of the sun. It was apparent to him that she made an unnecessary effort to avoid brushing against him or touching him accidentally. Hijikata knew it, and the more she avoided him, the more he resented it. But he fought off the crazy impulse to pull her into an embrace.
Asuna suddenly stopped to give him a sidelong glance when she realized where he was leading her. She questioned him anyway. "Where are we going?"
"Don't tell me you already forgot the way back to headquarters."
This was the only one thing missing in their entire conversation earlier that needed to be dragged out into the light.
"I never said that I was going back." A flat refusal. Hijikata hadn't realized quite how much he'd missed the way she argued with him, particularly when she was riled.
As a matter of fact, he had also missed her graceful movements, and the occasional air of innocence that clung to her, despite her coldness. During their time together, he had grown accustomed to her presence, and he was determined to have it back. It was as simple as that.
"Sumi isn't an appropriate place for you to stay at," he warned sharply.
"That's for me to decide. Besides, I didn't come back to see you or the others," she snapped back. Each word carefully and crisply articulated.
His skin went cold. He reined in his temper with an effort that almost left him shaking, forcibly reminding himself of his task. By now he understood her well enough to know that if he irritated her, she would only use that anger to push him further away. And she had already pushed him away far enough.
"Then what about Yukimura? Didn't you make a promise to her that you will teach her the demon ways?" Hijikata asked, reminding her of her obligation. He knew it was unfair, but he was a desperate man. And a warrior would fight with what was at hand.
For a moment, she seemed to consider the logic of his questions. A small frown of concentration marred the perfection of her features, though she still refused to give in to his mild urgings.
He added, "Even if you don't care about staying at Sumi, it's still a place where men come and go to seek pleasure. They will cause you problems. And what will you do when that happens? If not handled correctly, these men who are also customers of Sumi will cause damage to Senhime's reputation."
"You think I can't handle conflicts without resorting to violence?" Her posture solid, almost challenging. Though he could see that his words had stirred her own doubts, nearly obliterating her own reasoning.
"I know you're able to resolve situations diplomatically, and without force. I also know you have more guts than a dozen men, but all of this doesn't matter. In the end, that isn't the kind of trouble you want to get yourself into. At the Shinsengumi headquarters, at least you will have your solitude."
Something soft entered her gaze. Fleeting. It was gone in an instant, but he'd seen it. "This is just like the first time."
Hijikata knew exactly what she meant. A clear memory drifted into his mind as he vividly remembered that day when he'd discovered her true nature as a demon, and had offered her shelter. His proposition had been simple and practical; it had responded to her interests and matched her means. It had been made to advance the Shinsengumi's mission of eliminating the Rasetsu. This time was different. This time it was personal, intensely personal.
"You're staring at me," she pointed out nonchalantly.
"I'm still trying to grasp that you have returned safely." And Hijikata was truly thankful for it. Though he felt that he had said too much, considering the mystified way that Asuna was looking at him. So he changed the subject. "What is your answer then? Are you coming back with me?"
He expected her to rebuff him indifferently and anticipated her refusal. And he was prepared to overcome her objections. But it didn't come. Only silence answered his plea. After a second that lasted forever, Asuna turned on her heels and headed towards the direction of the Shinsengumi's headquarters. Hijikata tried to keep his exhilaration under control as they went back quietly together, and nothing more was said between them.
Nothing more needed to be said.
X X X
As soon as they were back at the Shinsengumi headquarters, Hijikata allowed Asuna the solitude he had promised and let her be as he'd gone to attend to his own duties. Nor did he insist her to have dinner with Kondou and the others at the common room later to inform everyone of her return. And it suited her perfectly as she had wanted to be alone, to burn off this undeniable, restless energy and to think.
She wandered down the familiar hallway. The door to her old quarters was closed. She put her hand on the side of the door, reluctant to slide it open. All of her instincts told her to go; she ought to turn around and leave right now. Yet something held her here. Inhaling deeply, she pulled open the door and slowly entered.
It was strange how Asuna's wariness shifted to relief the moment she stepped into the room. In spite of herself, she felt a sense of coming home, even though this wasn't her home. And it would never be no matter what she felt. Because she was just a guest and her stay was only temporary.
Nonetheless, she didn't stop her urge to touch everything with her fingers – the translucent paper screen that stretched over the window's wooden frame, the weaving pattern of the tatami mat, and the smooth surface of the short-legged low table. She noticed that the room was kept clean and dustless, and everything stayed the same as when she'd left.
At last she sat down and closed her eyes, taking in the quietness that seemed like a sort of luxury. Asuna had reached that odd state of exhaustion where she felt as though she'd tipped over a mountain. Her thoughts were blurry and unfocused, recoiling around her head. The tension of the past few weeks had left her drained and mentally weak. Now that everything was over, she felt she could finally slow down and rest long enough to find her bearings.
"Shinohara-san, may I come in?" asked a voice she knew, accompanied with an obvious hesitation in its note.
She opened her eyes after what seemed like only minutes, but the sun was already descending. "Yes."
Chizuru walked into the room with a tray. "I brought you some fruit and green tea."
That particular fresh fruit caught her eye. "Peach?"
"Ah, yes. Hijikata-san bought some for all of us to eat and he asked me to bring you one. Do you not like peaches?" She frowned, a small crease appearing in between her eyebrows.
Surprised, Asuna held it to her nose and inhaled. The sweet, distinctive peach fragrance brought back so many memories of simpler, carefree times in her family's home; memories of her mother. It always sparked a longing for her to return to those days and her heart nearly turned inside out.
But how did Hijikata know peaches were of personal relevance to her? Had he been observing her the whole time? If he had, then what did he think he'd seen?
Pushing her disquieting thoughts aside, she glanced at Chizuru again. One look at her and Asuna knew there was something else on the younger demoness's mind. She had an intuition about it, and she knew her intuition for things of this sort was never wrong.
"Is there something else?" Asuna probed, waiting for her to start the conversation.
After a brief pause, Chizuru said, "It's regarding what Itou-san said about demons. Were we…are we really as evil as he claims?"
Asuna was taken aback by the question and she didn't know how to answer. It was a question no demons wanted to answer.
In the old days her answer to such question would have been simple: Mortals were the origin of all evils and cruelty. Their undying desire to be dominant and oppressive over all others had forced demons to take up arms and fight back in an attempt to maintain their place in this difficult world. They were merely defending themselves from extermination.
They were only trying to survive.
But after witnessing what the Uchiyama siblings were capable of, and the way they had practiced cruelty and injustice against humans, Asuna had begun to doubt her own convictions. She began to question all she knew, or thought she knew. Every word, every occurrence.
Or perhaps she had always known the truth to some extent, but didn't want to embrace it. She felt safe as long as it stayed hidden in the shadows of her life, so she didn't have to face it or feel it. Her existence was her legacy. These were her people. And she had only wanted to protect demons.
As Asuna paused to try and think, it was quickly made clear to her that it was time for her to choose. She could speak the unconcealed truth or she could continue to deny it and push it back into the shadows.
Sensibly or not, she chose to speak the truth. Especially when there was no reason to keep all this from Chizuru.
With a deep sigh, she breathed the words, "It doesn't matter if you're human or demon, everyone has evil buried deep inside them waiting for greed to bring it out. The question is whether or not you choose to act upon it."
The feeling of repugnance for that plaintive term persisted even as it left her lips. Asuna's own evil was lying dormant within her. She knew it. It had taken shape slowly and she could feel it whenever the darkness engulfed her. She felt it build gradually inside her after all these years, hiding in the edges of her mind, waiting for the right moment to develop into the overwhelming force she knew it could be. And the only way to use it to its full potential was for her to surrender to the darkness and its presence.
She had taken that step once before – never again. She would never allow it to set its own course, and she certainly wasn't going to ignore it either. In order to find the proper balance, she had to set her own terms.
Asuna then continued, "You can use your innate power to help others or harm others, the choice is yours to make. Ultimately you're the one who determines your own fate and the path that you walk on."
And she herself was determined to remain who she was, who she had always been. In doing so, she would not submit to the presence of an outside force.
The pacified expression on Chizuru's face did not change. "What if we don't get to choose our path because it was already chosen for us?"
"There's always a choice."
"Then what if we make the wrong choice?"
Asuna looked out of the open door into the darkening night sky. "My father always reminded me that not every decision I make will be an easy one, but it will be one that I need to live with. That's why I'll have to follow my inner voice and trust myself when I make that choice."
The one thing that her father had instilled in her was to never run from her mistakes and fears. As painful as it might be, she had to confront them head-on. She would defeat them if she could, but never ever surrender to them. And even if she were nothing else, she was her father's daughter and she honored that teaching when it mattered most.
"And as long as we follow our hearts and do the best we can, we should have no regrets," Chizuru said, as a peaceful smile spread across her face. "You and Harada-san are right. I shouldn't have worried so much about being different. Even though I'm a demon, I am still who I am and nothing can change that. I understand now."
"Sanosuke knows about your true identity as a demon?"
"Yes, he knows," she confessed. "I was being careless and hurt myself in front of him."
"And?"
"And…Harada-san doesn't believe I'm capable of evil. He also said that he wouldn't be scared away."
The reply hadn't thrown Asuna. There was something about Sanosuke that made her convinced it wouldn't have made any difference to him if they were demons. He would have treated them all the same. Regardless of his intentions towards Chizuru, he would keep her secret.
"All this time I felt like I've lived my entire life with this dark cloud above my head, up until I met you. Being able to share my thoughts with you lifted the heaviest possible weight off my shoulders, Shinohara-san. I don't know how to express my gratitude to you for all you have done for me." Emotion welled up in Chizuru's throat as she bowed deeply in appreciation.
Asuna wasn't used to it, so she just gave a nod. "How is your swordplay training?"
She lifted her head. "I've been practicing during my free time every day."
"Then I will test your progress when we resume training tomorrow. Afterwards, I will bring you to meet someone. She is also a demon and if I'm away or not within reach, she can help you in my absence."
Chizuru's smile widened until it was almost ecstatic. "Thank you so much, Shinohara-san. And I'm really glad that you came back. We all are."
Unfortunately, the sentiment wasn't mutual. Asuna didn't know what she felt. She didn't know if she should be relieved or bothered to be back with the Shinsengumi. Not that she had much strength left to figure it out right now.
At that moment there came a distraction. Yoshiro strolled in through the door casually, his tail raised like a banner flag as he jumped up in Asuna's lap. Purring, he rubbed his face and head all over her, undulating with pleasure as if he needed comfort.
"Have you been behaving while I was gone?" She asked, scratching the cat's black chin.
"Yoshiro was under Hijikata-san's care for some time now. He even sleeps in Hijikata-san's bed every night and always keeps him company at meals." A soft giggle escaped Chizuru.
Despite Asuna's best efforts, her lips also twitched slightly when she imagined Hijikata cuddling a cat in his futon. The thought of him giving importance to anything other than his work and the welfare of Shinsengumi was rather absurd.
"Once every couple of mornings before sunrise, Hijikata-san would also come in to clean the room too. I've offered to do it many times whenever I've seen him in the front yard, but so far he has never asked for or accepted my help." Suddenly Asuna's amusement was gone, the familiar wariness in its place now. Chizuru said at once, interpreting her silence as condemnation. "Which is good, right? That means he had faith that you would return."
Those weren't the words she had been expecting, and she wasn't sure they were the ones she wanted to hear. She finally released the cat to pick up the fruit in front of her, the texture was velvety and plump under her touch, and she bit into it. Delectable sweetness filled her mouth, but it still didn't dissolve the tension within her.
Unsure how to read her reaction, Chizuru asked, "How's the peach?"
Admitting it seemed like a mistake, but she did it anyway. "It's sweeter than I can remember."
"Well, I think it's getting late, so I won't disturb you any longer. Please rest well, Shinohara-san." Chizuru's smile remained radiant when she bowed once more before dismissing herself.
Speaking of choices, had Asuna made an error in coming back with Hijikata? Recalling his expectant yet hopeful look earlier had spurred her into action. She hadn't fully considered the ramifications of her decision and the effect it would have on her mental state. Particularly when her own emotions had grown much more complex these days in directions she couldn't identify.
"I'm still trying to grasp that you have returned safely."
That comment of his had confused her more. It had speared straight through the tough exterior she had shielded herself with. And a part of her still wondered what he'd meant by it.
Somewhere, somehow Hijikata had invaded her mind without her awareness, and lodged himself in a place that she had always been careful to keep empty. He had that power, Asuna realized. A power she'd always known he possessed, though she had never fully comprehended the impact he could have on her until now.
And how much worse would it be now that she had returned to the Shinsengumi and was in his very presence once more?
X X X
AUTHOR NOTE:
I know, I know! This chapter was even more delayed than the last one and I'm truly sorry! Aside from my busy schedule, I was also having trouble with the content in this chapter. I think it's this whole love triangle ordeal lol (yes, yes, I reap what I sowed and i regret nothing!)
Anyway, I actually want to give a big shoutout to two special individuals!
Samara Yukimura: Thank you so much for reaching out and providing me with resources to help me with my story! I'm still really touched by your kindness. Times like this I'm just very happy to make online friends with readers like yourself. You guys are simply the best!
Waltzing_Muse: Happy belated birthday, hun! I've tried to finish this chapter in time for your birthday, but I failed…miserably and I'm very sorry lol. Anyway, I'm still dedicating this chapter and the next one to you! And I hope you've had a great birthday!
That's it for tonight, folks! I'm super excited to write the next chapter so please look forward to it! See you all next time!