Chapter 21

I was quiet and contemplative on the drive home, too lost within my own thoughts to even bother turning on the radio to listen to the traffic and weather reports. Outside, the streetlights marked the passing of each mile, their weak orangey glow lighting up the interior of my car at regular intervals as I navigated my Jeep down Main Street. My tires cut a path through the slush, creating a monotonous drizzly sound that was an oddly comforting complement to the otherwise silent cab. Every now and then a car would pass going the opposite direction and the splashing sound would momentarily increase in volume, only to fade away seconds later as we drifted farther apart.

It was hard to describe the range of emotions that swirled inside me. Hard to pinpoint one that I felt more strongly than the others. Even now, my heart was still thumping against my chest. My palms were sweaty. And if I were being honest, I was just a tad bit light-headed. But there was also a knot in the pit of my stomach, a sense of dread that I couldn't quite put my finger on. The wriggling little notion that what I was doing was wrong. All those different feelings combined were starting to make me sick.

My hands tightened on the steering wheel. God, it felt good to be kissed! For one, brief moment the world had stopped. For those blissful few seconds, I'd felt needed. Important. Desired. I'd enjoyed it. I wanted more. Damn the consequences.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I asked myself. "Can you really keep your feelings from him separate at work? Keep it professional?"

I thought I could. After all, I wasn't some horny teenager. I had self-control. It wasn't like I was going to jump him in his office on my lunch break or in between his appointments. I knew better than to do anything that would jeopardize our jobs.

"I can do this," I said with a resolute nod of my head. "I can do this."

If I removed my uncertainty from the equation, tonight had been quite a success. It had gotten me out of the house, I'd been able to spend some quality time with someone whom I was really starting to like, and he had eased some of the misgivings I'd had about Erik. Wins all around.

Crap. There was one thing I had wanted to do, but I'd completely spaced it because Jake's impromptu dinner invitation.

My eyes flicked to the clock on the dash. Almost eight o'clock. If I hurried, I could make it before they closed.

Flipping on my signal I changed to the outside lane and made a right at the next light. Then I took a left and another right, continuing down Second Street for a few miles until the Barnes and Noble filtered into view. I pulled into a parking spot close to the building and jogged inside.

The instant I walked in I was hit with the smells of new books and freshly brewed coffee. I inhaled deeply, enjoying the way the scents mingled together to create the ultimate sense of belonging and comfort. E-readers were nice and convenient, but there was something about holding a real book in your hands that just made reading so much better.

Now, all I had to do was figure out what Erik liked to read. He struck me as the nonfiction type. Maybe poetry or the classics as well.

Hmm…that was an idea. There was a reason they were called classics, after all. And most of them would have been popular back when Erik was alive. I altered course and headed toward that section, letting my fingers trail over the spines of the books lined up on the shelves as I went.

Dickens and Shakespeare seemed a bit too clichéd but there were plenty of others I could choose from. Those were usually the first authors that came to mind when anyone thought about classic literature. There was nothing wrong with it. But somehow, I felt that Erik would enjoy something a little less mainstream.

After a lengthy search, I selected Tennyson's Ulysses, Tolstoy's War and Peace, and Faust by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. According to Leroux, Faust was supposedly Erik's favorite opera. So, it stood to reason that he'd read and most likely enjoyed the book as well. Of all the titles I'd chosen, I figured that this one was probably the safest bet.

Armed with my selection, I started to make my way back to the front of the store. The center aisle was filled with several round displays of books, and each display had its own theme. At least two of them were devoted to new releases from popular authors, while another one focused on cooking and baking sweet treats, no doubt in preparation for the upcoming holidays. The table closest to the registers was stacked with miscellaneous books that had been discounted as clearance. I casually circled around, glancing over the titles, not really paying too much attention to what was there, when one book caught my eye.

I picked it up and read, "History of the World, Volume 7: 1800-2000."

I immediately shuddered as memories of being bored to tears back in my high school world history class came to mind. But just because it wasn't my cup of tea didn't mean that Erik wouldn't like it. In fact, it seemed like a perfect way for him to catch up on all the stuff that had happened since he'd died. I added it to the top of my stack and continued to the checkout.

Twenty-five minutes later I finally pulled my Jeep into my driveway. The wind had started to pick back up, and the crisp chill in the air promised that we would see a significant amount of snowfall by morning. Grabbing the bag of books, I hurried up the steps and rushed to the front door.

It was funny. I'd lived alone for almost a whole year after Ben and I divorced. I had come home to a dark and quiet house plenty of times before. It wasn't anything new or out of the ordinary. But ever since Erik appeared the atmosphere had felt heavier. Lonelier, if that were possible.

Most of the time I couldn't wait to get home and spend time with him. But every so often there were nights when I dreaded walking through that door. Tonight was one of those nights. It wasn't necessarily like I had left on a bad note. He'd merely asked for space. Some time to get his head on straight. And I'd been happy to oblige. But now, as I turned the key in the deadbolt, I wondered what sort of situation I would be walking into.

To my utter amazement, all the lamps in the front room had been turned on and my gas fireplace flickered cheerily across the way. A wall of warmth, both literally and figuratively, welcomed me as I stepped inside. My heart skipped at least three beats, sending a wave of delicious shivers across my skin as I recalled walking into a similar scene in my dream.

"Erik!" I called. "I'm home."

Tossing my purse and keys on the end table, I shrugged out of my coat and draped it over the back of the couch.

"Erik?"

Silence was my only greeting. I kept expecting him to materialize out of the darkened hallway, just as he had in my dream. It took me a minute to realize I was holding my breath in anticipation, and when he didn't appear, I strangely disappointed.

"Oh, for Christ's sakes," I muttered with an amused shake of my head. "Get ahold of yourself, Christine." Damn my overactive imagination.

I wandered down the hallway, pausing to stick my head in the empty dining room, and then continued toward the kitchen. The lights had been turned on in there as well.

"Erik? Are you here?" I rounded the corner and spied him standing by the sink with his arms crossed in front of him, staring at the floor. "There you are. What're you doing?"

"Thinking," he replied.

I narrowed my eyes and glared at the tile in front of the sink, trying to see what he saw.

"About what?"

He shook his head as if to rid himself of his daze and turned to face me, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. "It's not important. You're home later than usual. With the storm, I was beginning to worry."

The color rose to my cheeks before I could stop it.

He was worried about me?

"I'm sorry," I said automatically, trying to stomp down the dueling feelings of giddiness and guilt. "I met a friend for dinner and then did some shopping."

"You needn't apologize, Christine. I am just relieved you are safe." He paused for a moment, completely unaware of how much I was inwardly freaking out about that seemingly innocent comment, and then he asked, "Were you planning on working in here tonight?"

Swallowing hard to make sure my voice didn't crack when I spoke, I shook my head. "Uh, no. It's been a really long day and I'm kind of tired."

"I understand."

"Um…actually. I was thinking about curling up on the couch and unwinding with a book, and I was wondering if you'd join me." I held up the green Barnes and Noble bag, letting it dangle from in index finger. "I got you a present."

Erik's eyes swung from me to the bag, their expression going from puzzled to skeptical to disbelieving.

"A present?" he echoed in a small voice.

I held out the bag. He came forward and tentatively reached out to take it from me, eyeing me cautiously as though he was sure that I would snatch it away at the last second. When it was clear that that wasn't my intention, he took the plastic bag by the handles and opened it, carefully peering inside.

"I hope they're all right. You're a surprisingly hard man to shop for."

Erik's hand disappeared inside and let out a small gasp as he pulled out the stack of books.

"Books?" he whispered incredulously. "Oh."

The way he said it, like he couldn't quite believe that anyone would have done that for him, brought tears to my eyes.

He ran his hand gently over the glossy cover of Ulysses and then moved it to the bottom of the stack so he could look at the next title.

"Faust…," he smiled wistfully. "My favorite."

I beamed. I was sure my heart was going to explode at any moment.

"What's this?" he mused quietly. Picking up the rather large history book, he held it up to the light to get a better look. "History of the…. Oh. I should very much like to read this."

"Do you like them?" I asked.
"I…." His tightened his grip on the books and inhaled, squaring his shoulders. "Yes. Yes."

"Shall we, then?" I swept my hand toward the front room.

Erik nodded as he thumbed through the first few pages of the history book, his eyes glued to the page as he walked through the door. I waited until he rounded the corner and then did a celebratory fist pump before I turned off the light and followed him out.

When I finally tore my eyes away from the page, I was genuinely startled to find that so many hours had passed. It was well past midnight. Somehow, the night had gotten away from me and was now nudging its way into early morning.

I glanced over to where Christine lay on the sofa. She was sound asleep. The strange electronic book rested on her chest, rising and falling in time with her deep, even breaths. I allowed myself to stare at her, just for a moment, while I remembered a similar scene years ago when my Christine used to fall asleep while I read to her in front of the fire.

Christine…. My Christine….

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, I wondered what became of her after she left my house on the lake. Did she find happiness with the Vicomte? Did she think of me and our time together? Was this Christine's theory correct? Was my angel trapped in the same sort of hell that I was, condemned to pine for me, alone, in limbo until we discovered a way to reunite the two of us and set each other free?

The very idea seemed crazy to me. The fantasy of a broken man who foolishly refused to let his dream die. And yet…and yet there must be a reason why I was still here. The notion didn't sound quite so far-fetched when I reminded myself that my very existence in this world right now denied all rational and logical thought. Did I dare hope…?

Hope was a dangerous emotion. Too often it ended in disappointment.

Christine stirred on the sofa next to me.

It was late, and no doubt she would regret falling asleep in such a position. I closed my book, setting it on the coffee table before me, and stood up to wake her.

"Christine," I whispered softly. "Wake up. It's late."

She shifted slightly but didn't open her eyes.

Against my better judgment, I reached out and gently placed my hand on her shoulder. "Christine."

She startled awake, her hand clutching my coat sleeve as her eyes cast about wildly, trying to refamiliarize herself with her surroundings. When they centered on me, she let out a breath of relief and I felt her shoulder relax beneath my fingertips.

"Erik," she sighed.

Although her grip on my arm loosened, she made no effort to remove her hand. Her eyes closed, a small smile resting on her lips as she drifted back to sleep.

"Christine," I repeated, louder this time. "It's time to go upstairs to bed."

"Okay, I will," she murmured, patting my arm. "Gimme a sec."

When it was clear that she had no intention of moving, I withdrew my hand and walked over to the cedar chest in the corner of the room and grabbed the quilt that was folded on top of it. Shaking it out to its full size, I returned and tenderly draped it over her. She made a sound of contentment and hugged it close to her.

"Good night, my dear," I said.

"Mm hm…good nigh…" she replied.

I turned off the lamps but left the fireplace going, both to give her warmth as well as enough light that she could see if she woke up and decided to make her way upstairs to her own bed. Then I went back to the kitchen to allow her to sleep undisturbed.

Something was buzzing against my butt. Slow and steady, but insistent. I groaned and shifted my weight, and the sound of my ringtone joined in with the relentless vibration.

My phone.

Reaching beneath me, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket.

"Hello?" I answered groggily.

"Christine?" Jake's voice filtered through on the other end, full of concern. "Where are you? Is everything all right?"

My eyes sprang open and I sat straight up, looking around.

I was still in the front room. Muted gray light peeked through the closed window blinds.

"Shit! What time is it?"

"Almost nine."

"Shit! I fell asleep on the couch!" I hurried to explain. "I'll be right in."

"Please don't rush," Jake said. "The roads are terrible this morning. You'll get here when you get here. I'm just relieved that you're okay."

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"All right. I'll see you in a bit."

I hung up the phone and scrubbed my palms over my face.

God-fucking-dammit. I hadn't meant to fall asleep on the couch. And now I was late for work.

Releasing an aggravated sigh, I flung the blanket away and pushed to my feet.

Hold on a sec….

I looked down at the quilt I'd just tossed over the back of the couch.

I don't remember grabbing that when I sat down to read.

Did Erik…?

Despite my sour disposition, a warm tingle traveled the length of my body, centering in my chest. Suddenly I felt like a teenager again, gushing over some small and insignificant gesture my crush had made, no doubt making a bigger deal out of it than it really was.

I quickly shut off the fireplace and beelined for the kitchen. Late or not, I wasn't starting my day without coffee.

Erik entered as I was dumping the grounds into the basket.

"Hi," I said, giving him a sidelong glance.

He dipped his head in acknowledgement. "Good morning. How are you feeling?"

"Stiff and stupid," I quipped. "I can't believe I passed out on the couch. And of course, I didn't set my alarm so, you know, now I'm running late."

Erik raised his eyebrows and pegged me with the smuggest expression I'd ever seen him make. "I did attempt to rouse you several times."

"I know," I chuckled. Biting my lip, I turned my attention back to the coffee maker. "Thanks for the blanket."

"Certainly."

We both grew quiet, neither one of us really knowing what else to say.

"Welp," I said awkwardly as I flipped the lid closed and pressed the brew button, "I guess I better go get ready."

"Of course." Ever the gentleman, he bowed slightly and stepped aside, allowing me to pass through the doorway.

"God, do I feel like an idiot," I muttered to Alejandra as I sat down next to her and logged in to my computer.

"Aww, it happens," she replied. "And anyway, it's been super slow this morning, so you haven't missed much. I've had two last-minute cancellations already on account of the weather, and they probably won't be the last."

Jake had been right about that; the roads were an absolute nightmare this morning. Part of me was actually relieved that I had slept in and missed the rush-hour commute. I'm sure it had been a circus. It'd taken me an extra forty minutes to get to work because the icy roads had had traffic at a standstill. By the time I finally walked into the waiting room, it was pushing ten-thirty.

Alejandra probably thought I was the biggest flake. She was the true champion of the office. Always there, always on time, no matter what. Whereas I couldn't seem to ever make it on time to save my life.

Maybe if you didn't stay up late every night talking with a ghost when you should be sleeping.

Erik's nocturnal schedule was killing me. It wasn't necessarily that he shunned the daytime. There were several weekends when we worked together or hung out all day long. But I noticed that he always seemed to be more at ease at night, more relaxed and willing to reveal things about himself and his past when the house was swathed in dark shadows and flickering firelight. It also didn't help that he was, in fact, dead and had no need for sleep.

The door to Jake's office opened and moments later he appeared with an older woman at his side.

"Thank you for coming in, Mrs. Hamilton," he said, swinging his arm in a wide arc towards us. "Please do be careful going to your next destination. These wonderful ladies can help you with any billing questions you may have."

Mrs. Hamilton nodded and over her shoulder I caught Jake's eyes as linger on mine for just a touch more than was necessary. Desperate to stop my cheeks from going red, I waved her over. "I can help you right here, Mrs. Hamilton."

Jake's smirk of amusement was so fleeting that you really had to be paying attention in order to see it. He then turned on his heel and sauntered back to his office.

"Thank you," Mrs. Hamilton said, pulling my focus back to the task at hand. "The last time I was here my secondary insurance wasn't billed properly and it resulted in me having to pay a large amount out of pocket. I was wondering if you could help me take a look and fix that."

"Of course," I replied warmly. "Let me get your file and we'll see what's going on."

The day inched by slowly after that. Alejandra's predictions about the weather keeping clients away turned out to be spot on. And while I would have welcomed the distraction a busy day would have provided me, the lull in patient activity gave the two of us the much-needed opportunity to straighten up the back area and catch up on filing.

Jake would wander out of his office every so often to check on us. I could tell he was trying to strike up a casual conversation with me and every time he did, I would carefully change the subject and steer him back to safer, work-related topics. I felt bad, but at the same time I knew it had to be done. While we were together in the office he had to be "Dr. Stevenson." It would seem highly out of character for him to start suddenly chatting me up like we were best friends. He'd never done that with either one of us before and doing so now would definitely tip Alejandra off that something was going on between us.

"Thank god this day is over!" Alejandra said with an overdramatic sigh. There was a loud thump as she plopped her large purse on the counter and began rummaging through it to find her car keys. "That was the longest, single most boring day I've had in a long time."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Makes you really appreciate the busier days. I don't think I'm going to complain about having him having a full schedule. At least, not for a while."

"Ugh. I can't wait to go home and shower. I can't seem to get the smell of that stupid cleaner off my hands."

"Same. Have a good night. Be careful out there."

"You too. See you in the morning."

I waited until she had rounded the corner and heard the heavy glass entry doors slam shut and then breathed a long sigh of relief. Was this how it was going to be from now on? I wasn't sure I could handle it.

And yet, the second I realized that Jake and I were now alone, my heart sped up with that new relationship giddiness. I yanked the hair tie out that held my short ponytail and fluffed up my hair. Then I brushed the imaginary lint from my scrubs top and practically jogged down the hallway to his office.

"Come in," he called when I knocked on his door. His face immediately brightened when he saw it was me.

"Alejandra just left and I'm almost ready to take off for the night."

Subtle, Christine. Real subtle. Why not just hold up a sign announcing that you're both alone now?

Jake's smile widened as he stood up. "I'll walk you out, then. But first…."

He came around the front of his large oak desk and in three large strides he was suddenly standing right in front of me. Grasping me by the shoulders he pulled me close and planted smoldering kiss on my lips.

I melted in his arms. This kiss was nothing like the chaste peck we'd shared the night before. This one was practically thrumming with pent up longing and desire.

"I've been wanting to do that all day," he revealed. "It's been torture having to act as though last night never happened."

"Same here," I confessed as I bit my lip. I was relieved to hear that he was struggling with the same problem.

"Don't do that," he whispered, using his thumb to gently pull my bottom lip away from me teeth. "Nothing should be allowed to damage these perfect lips."

Was he trying to turn me into a puddle of mush? 'Cause it was definitely working.

"How…um…." I licked my lips. "What is the protocol for…you know, when we're here in the office together?"

"Hmm," he hummed. "We should probably sit down together and set some boundaries. But right now, I'd like you to head home before the weather gets any worse." He brushed his thumb across my cheek. "Okay?"

"Okay," I echoed. Threading my arms around his neck, I pulled him in for another kiss. "Just one more. You know, for the road."

"Well, okay. Just one more," he laughed, and willingly obliged.