Dear Diary,
I can't describe how I feel; Janey has been found – a long story and so many people were in so much danger, too many people died because of one person's warped ideal of passing over to 'the afterlife'.
Looking back on my actions they were so unutterably stupid, I rushed in – I supposed I stopped thinking clearly when I realised that Janey died instead of me, all because of my stupid father's habit of taking too much drink and registering her birth date as mine. Now I know why she was taken a large part of me blames him and if I never see him again it will be too soon. Yes, I should have taken more care, yes I should have made sure she stayed by my side but as ever I was entranced by the lights and music of the circus. Inspector Robinson dismissed the charges, I was a child, but I was the elder child and I should have been looking out for her. He says I live life to the full for her, but I will always wonder how our lives would have panned out if she had stayed, or if I had been taken instead of her.
The drug he, I won't give him a name, commit it to paper, he doesn't deserve that, gave me left me aware of all that was going on about me, of his fight with Rhodes – I engineered that, I knew if I planted the seed of doubt Rhodes would start to consider his position – and I could feel. He said I would feel nothing, but I could, though my limbs became heavy and it was difficult to manoeuvre I could still feel; what those people he murdered must have gone through even now I cannot imagine, the pain, the fear ... Janey and those other girls went through that, children! What kind of person does that to children? What kind of perverted mind considers inflicting that suffering on a child? My poor darling Janey – I confess I would quite happily visit the same on him – Aunt P is arranging for her to be buried in the family vault, we shall have a private service for her just the family; I think I'd like Jack to attend if he doesn't mind.
Mac says sheer bloody-mindedness got me through, he gave me enough of the drug to fell an ox; I didn't want to die, I didn't want to leave Jane or Dot, those friends I have made since I came home but at the time I didn't think I had a choice, even now I'm not sure there was another way.
I barely remember the Inspector carrying me out of the bowels of the university, he stayed by my side in the hospital until I came round, even persuaded them to let Jane stay. He's such a good man, I don't deserve his friendship; I'm sorry his marriage ended, his wife must be blind! He's coming over tonight so I can sign my statement – it's my birthday, a small party, I hope he'll stay, at least for a little while.