As much as kissing Tohru feels natural and good and right, it also scares Kyo to death. First, he is afraid it takes him too long to react—by the time he manages to shut his eyes and kiss her back, he's worried he was too slow and now he's fucked it up. But...Tohru's more experienced with romance than he is, and she caught him completely off-guard. What exactly did she think would happen?

Even so, he doesn't want to disappoint her, and this feels really good, so he doesn't want it to stop. Which means he has to not fuck it up any more than he probably already has.

Then, he remembers that he's not even sure he's a good kisser, but she keeps going, so he assumes she doesn't mind. She's moved closer so that their chests are pressed together now, and she still has a hand on his cheek. And then, oh god, his hands—what is he supposed to do with them? They're just hanging limply at his sides. He should touch her, right? Wrap his arms around her waist or something. He's very quickly reminded that he has absolutely no fucking idea what couples do when they kiss.

When she finally pulls back, he's afraid of what she's going to say, but she's just quiet. That's probably worse than if she'd just laughed at him and told him that was awful. Instead, after a second, she leans back in, and he swears he'll get it right this time. So he hyper focuses on what he does with his body, and he starts to think he's doing a better job this time around when he suddenly realizes something.

He has no idea why Tohru is doing this. Is she just lonely? She'd never take advantage of him like that intentionally, he's 100% sure of that. But Tohru's psyche is complicated—she sure as hell doesn't even understand herself most of the time. That's why in-love Kyo had dedicated much of his teenage life to figuring her out. Now, her past relationships haven't gone well. She dumped someone this morning. There's no way she's completely over everything that's happened. He needs to tell her that it's okay. She doesn't have to do this. She'll be fine without a boyfriend, and he'll be here to keep her company if she wants it. She doesn't have to kiss him to keep him around. He doesn't deserve her affection, either. He takes his hands off her waist and brings them to her shoulders, pushing gently.

"Wait, wait, wait. Tohru, wait."

"Mm?" She's pulled back, but not by much—their noses are touching, and he can feel her ragged breath fan out over his lips.

"Are you...are you sure you want to kiss me?"

"What are you talking about?" she asks. "I already did kiss you."

"I know, but I mean. If you don't want to keep doing it, you can stop. You don't have to do it more, if you regret it or something."

"Do you not want me to kiss you?"

"That's not it," he insists, and it's really not. But his head is foggy from her being so close, and he's not quite sure how to get his point across—that she has an out. He wouldn't be insulted if she decides to back away, say "that was a mistake" and kick him out of her apartment. He wouldn't think less of her for doing that. In fact, it would probably be the best decision she could make for herself. It would probably be best for her to stay away from him altogether.

She takes his face in her hands again. "Then stop talking," she breathes, and then she's kissing him again, and suddenly nothing else really matters anymore.

They only break apart for air when completely necessary, when shallow breaths stolen between kisses no longer become a viable option. Tohru steps back, fingers pressed against her temple. She's breathing hard, her cheeks and lips red. He can't help but stare at the beautiful disaster she's become. That he's somehow made her.

"Sh...should we eat?" she asks, voice an octave higher than it usually is.

"...Huh?"

"The soup is probably ready. Are you hungry?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure…"

Based on the way she's not talking about what just happened, and the way she avoids his eyes as she hands him a bowl of soup, he's certain she regrets it. That's why he'd asked her if she wanted to stop—so this wouldn't happen, so she wouldn't freak out and then make everything weird between them. He doesn't know much about this stuff, but he really thinks that trying to salvage a friendship after one kiss is probably much easier than trying to salvage a friendship after a heated makeout session. It's just kind of common sense.

Part of him wants to leave it alone and wait for her to bring it up herself. She's the one who started this whole thing tonight, after all. But also…

He really doesn't want to lose her friendship again.

So he pushes down the urge to protect his already-bruised ego. Once they're sitting on the couch with their food, an awkward distance between them, he asks, "Tohru?"

"Is it not good?" she responds immediately.

"...What?"

"The soup. Is it not good?"

"N-no, it's really good. Can we forget about the soup for a second, though?" He reaches out and takes her bowl, setting them both on the coffee table.

And something in his voice must resonate with her, because she finally looks up at him. She's got an odd expression on her face, one that he knows means her mind is starting to go to a dark place, so he reaches over and takes her hand. It takes her a second to process, but once their fingers are locked together, she gives his hand a squeeze. She doesn't say anything, just keeps staring, so Kyo fills the silence.

There are a million different things he could say to get the conversation going, but he's feeling totally out of his realm, so the first thing that comes out is, "What's going on with you?"
He can tell she's trying to hold back tears, but she very quickly fails, and they start dripping from her long eyelashes down onto her cheeks.

"I love you," she chokes out. "I never...I never stopped loving you."

He has to look away. It's all too much. But he also doesn't let go of her hand. He can't do that to her again—leave her while she's confessing love—and he needs her to know that. He's staying. He squeezes her hand tighter.

He loves her too. He loves her so much. He never stopped loving her, either. But he knows he doesn't have the right to say that. Since he first met Tohru, he's been selfish and weak and pathetic, and he's destroyed her a million little times in a million different little ways...and then one big one. Someone like that doesn't have the right to tell Tohru Honda he loves her.

But...could he maybe earn that right? If they take it slow, and he works on himself, and he stops being the selfish idiot that turned her down two years ago? If she's willing to give him a second chance (or hundredth chance, really), is it selfish of him to take it?

Probably, but...

"Me too," he whispers. He still can't say it. But maybe that's close enough for a bit.

"Well, then...then…"

He looks at her again and his heart shatters. She's trembling, body wracked by sobs. On instinct, he reaches out and pulls her in, resting her head against his chest.

"Tohru," he coos, "it's okay. Look, it's okay, alright?"

She wraps her arms around him and locks her fingers into fists around the back of his t-shirt. "I just don't want to lose you again."

He wishes he could say something profound and comforting and romantic, but all he can do is press his nose into her hair and whisper, "You won't." And he just has to hope that's enough.

"Tohru."

She nuzzles her face into his chest and sniffles back the last remaining tears. She's worn herself out from crying. She has no idea how long she's been so hysterical now, but she knows that Kyo has held onto her the entire time, never letting go for even a second.

Just like she wishes he could've, would've, done that one night.

"Tohru, are you listening?"

She nods and lets out a whiny "mm-hmm." She's a little embarrassed about the sound, but after she'd jumped him in her kitchen and then broke down in front of him, it doesn't really even matter, right? He'd seen all the ugliest parts of her long before tonight, anyway.

"I'm not goin' anywhere. Okay? If you want to kiss, we can, and if you don't, then that's fine too. I'm not going to leave either way."

Tohru takes a second to consider that, then pulls back and looks up at him. He's smiling, but it's forced. He covers his hand with his sleeve and wipes at her cheeks.

"What do you want, Kyo-kun?" she sniffles.

"This isn't about me right now."

"Yes it is," she insists.

He sighs and lets his hand slip back out of his sleeve, then uses it to cradle her cheek. Instead of answering her, he just says gently, "You're beautiful."

"E-eh? No, I'm sure I look like a disaster right now!"

"Who said a disaster can't be beautiful?" he teases.

She laughs a little, shaking her head. "I really do love you, Kyo-kun."

"Me too," he says again, and the word choice strikes her as odd, just like it did the first time. But she knows that, if she tries to overthink it right now, it will wreck her. So she lets it go.

"H-hey…" he adds. He looks away, cheeks flushed, and she raises an eyebrow curiously. "Was I a totally awful kisser?"

"Huh?"

"I've never really kissed anyone before. Did I fuck it up?"

"No, of course not."

And that's the truth. She honestly hadn't been paying enough attention to comment on the competency of his technique, though—all she could even think about the entire time was how much she loves him, and the fact that she felt like maybe, just maybe, he loves her too. She's never gotten to kiss someone she's in love with and who loves her in return. Itsuki never loved her, not really. And she hadn't loved Asahi. It was a totally different experience with Kyo.

"Really? You can tell me if I sucked," he says, and he moves his eyes back to her, and his face is so earnest that she can't help but tease him a little, now that they're both feeling a bit better.

"Well…if you're that worried about it, we could always practice more."

"Uh…"

"What, are you scared?"

She expects him to get indignant and argue against her statement, like he would have at 18. But instead, with a completely straight face, he says, "Well, yeah."

For the hundredth time since she's started hanging out with Kyo again, she's reminded that two years is both an incredibly long time, and an incredibly short amount of time. For every single thing she discovers is the same about him, there's also something that's different about him.

"Of what?" she asks, done teasing now. She's genuinely curious, and she wants to know what she can do to make him not afraid. If they're going to kiss, it should be fun for him, not terrifying.

He hesitates for a second, then admits, "Disappointing you."

She crinkles up her nose in confusion. "You didn't disappoint me."

Kyo just nods a little. His eyes are dark in a way she recognizes all too well. "It's okay," she tells him, and he nods again, but she can tell it doesn't quite stop his mind from beginning to spiral. "Just...come here."

He obeys and scoots closer, and she sits up straighter. "You don't have to worry about disappointing me or not being good enough. You don't...have to be afraid of me, Kyo-kun."

His eyes widen, and he bites his lip, then leans forward and knocks his nose against hers affectionately. She laughs a bit, happy that the tension is at least starting to fade.

"Do you want to kiss me?" she asks.

"Yeah, of course."

She nods and makes a "go ahead" gesture with her hands. He chuckles.

"Okay, senpai," he says. "You're gonna have to teach me."

The reference to the summer they spent together at the Sohma beach house a few years ago unsettles her. On one hand, knowing he remembers makes her feel warm. But on the other, he's using it in a much different context, and it again reminds her of how much time has passed.

How long she's been without him.

"T-teach you what?"

"First, where do I put my hands?"

"Wherever you want," she says immediately, because she's not sure how else to answer that question.

"Tohru," he groans. "C'mon."

"Okay, okay. Uh…" She pauses, taking a second to really consider it. Where does she want to feel his hands? Everywhere, but…

She takes his wrist and moves his hand up to her cheek. He mirrors the movement with his other hand until he's holding her face. His touch is light, gentle, and it makes her tingle in a way she doesn't quite understand.
"I like this," she says quietly.

"Yeah? Okay. Then what now?" he murmurs back.

"I don't know. Just...do it. Don't think too much."

He nods and moves his face closer. She closes her eyes in anticipation, and after a second, she feels his lips against hers. Soft, warm, hesitant. Unlike it was in the kitchen, when it was clouded by passion and repressed feelings, hurried and rough. She lets him take the lead, and soon she's lying back against the couch, caged in by Kyo's body above her. When their lips separate, he rests his head against her shoulder.

"Hey...what are we now?" he asks.

She can't think about that right now. Her relationship with Kyo has always had many layers, always been complicated. Tonight is just taking that to a new level. She loves him. She wants to be with him. But she's also confused about how exactly he feels, and she can tell that he is, too. It wouldn't be fair to try and pin a label on things when he's like that.

"I don't know," she whispers.

"I don't either."

And for now, that's enough.

As much as he'd love to stay the night and get to just hold Tohru again, he knows Kunimitsu will pitch a fit if he's late again tomorrow. So after a few more hours, many more kisses, and a very awkward goodbye, he leaves and starts off toward the station. He looks down at his phone as he walks. It's only 9:45. Haru's definitely still up. How rude would it be to show up at his apartment uninvited and ask to talk right now?

Haru wouldn't care, but he seemed oddly firm about not wanting Rin and Kyo to run into each other, so he thinks better of it, just sending a text instead.

"I need to talk to you."

Haru responds right away. "What's up?"

"In person. You go to school tomorrow?"

"Nah, no classes tomorrow. Come over after you get off work."

Kyo confirms, and feels good about having a plan. As much as he hates touchy-feely conversations, he doesn't think he can work this out alone. The person he should really be talking to is Tohru, of course, but she doesn't seem to know what to think, either. So other than her, Haru's the most level-headed person in his life.

That's a scary thought.

After work the next evening, Haru is waiting outside his apartment, leaning against the stair railing and holding two beers.

"So what's up?" he asks by way of greeting. He holds out a beer. Kyo takes it, even though he knows he'll just end up giving it back again.

"She kissed me."

"She what?"

"You heard me," Kyo groans, plopping down onto the top step, just like last time. Haru settles in next to him.

"So she made the first move, huh." But he doesn't say it like a question, so Kyo's not really sure how to respond—luckily (or unluckily, really), Haru keeps talking. "Go, Honda."

"You're an idiot."

"What, did you not want to kiss her?"

"Of course I did. But I'm afraid things are gonna be...weird now."

"Why?"

"She kissed me, and then she cried. And then we made out more, and after...I asked her what we are now, and she said she didn't know. It was confusing."

"You're the idiot," Haru says dryly.

"Huh? Why?!"

"She was ballsy enough to come onto you and then you stopped things to ask what you are? You didn't even give her any time to really think."

"What's there to think about? She kissed me. Shouldn't she have had an idea of what she wanted to happen next?"

Haru shrugs and sips at his beer. "Girls are complicated."

"That's the only explanation you have?"

He shrugs again. "Well what do you want to happen next?"

Kyo sighs and takes a moment to think about that. What does he want? The first thought to come to mind is that he just wants her, but in what capacity? She seems willing to give him another chance, and she said she still loves him. So he's the only barrier left—he's standing in his own way.

But he doesn't feel like getting that deep with Haru right now, so he just mumbles, "I don't know."

Haru groans. "Hypocrite."

"Shut up."

"Just text her."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I'm scared, okay?" He hates how loud and rough his voice gets. This isn't Haru's fault. But he can't help it. He pauses and runs a hand through his hair, trying to collect himself. "I don't deserve her," he adds, voice softer now.

He half expects Haru to make a joke about how he really doesn't deserve her, but instead, Haru just says, "Look. Yeah, you were an idiot two years ago, and you fucked up really badly. But it's obvious that she wants you back in her life, and that you want to be there, too. You guys have always been so crazy about each other...I think two people who are so in love should get to have each other, no questions asked."

Kyo sighs. He doesn't really believe in fate or destiny, or whatever you want to call it. But, if he did, he'd like to think that Tohru is his. "How can you go from saying such stupid stuff to something so wise-sounding?"

Haru brings his beer up to his lips, completely straight-faced. "It's a mystery."

"What're you doing here?"

The boys turn toward the bottom of the stairs to see Rin trudging up them. She's in her work uniform, so she must just be getting home, and she doesn't look too thrilled to see Kyo. Kyo glances at Haru sidelong—after previously insisting that he and Rin don't see each other, he expects some sort of reaction. But Haru's expression doesn't change at all.

"I live here," he says, feigning hurt.

"Not you," Rin groans. "What, stop by for a beer?" she asks once she's up the stairs.

"Uh…" Kyo mumbles.

"We all know you don't drink. So give it here." She gestures to Kyo's can, which he hasn't even opened. He can't argue with her logic, and frankly doesn't even want to try, so he gives it to her and watches as she pops it open and takes a long swig from it.

"What kind of fucking day did you have at work?" he asks, both concerned and impressed by the way she downs two thirds of the beer in one go.

"I work in customer service right now, so what do you think?"

"Fair enough."

"So really, what're you doing here?"

"Kyo came to ask for some of my wisdom," Haru says, honestly sounding a little proud

Rin raises an eyebrow. "You'd be better off asking me."

"She's mean to me, but she loves me," Haru tells Kyo, and Kyo just shakes his head and rolls his eyes in response.

"Nah, I think I should just get going," Kyo says, standing.

Haru rushes to give Rin a very brief, vague rundown of the situation before Kyo can escape. "A girl kissed him and he doesn't know how to talk to her anymore."

Rin snorts out a laugh. "Sounds about right for him." Kyo flips her off, which just makes her laugh again. "But seriously, just go talk to her."

"Helpful," Kyo says.

"If she kissed you, she cares about you, right? So she wants to know how you feel. Just tell her."

Well...surprisingly helpful. "What if I don't know how I feel?" he asks.

"Well, then, figure it out."

"Yeah," Kyo mumbles and starts down the stairs, raising a hand over his shoulder in an awkward wave.

Despite her harsh demeanor, Rin means well. He knows that. He also knows that she loves Tohru fiercely, so if she knew who they were talking about, she never would have given that advice. It probably would have been more along the lines of, "Stay the fuck away from her."

And for a bit, maybe that's what he needs to do.

Just until he figures himself out.

It turns out, trying to figure yourself out is a miserable process. Kyo has always known a few things about himself, though they all came from the mouths of others—he's hotheaded, unwanted by most, an airhead. But none of those things are going to be productive to take into a conversation with Tohru. So he's left trying to determine what he thinks of himself now, and how that might fit into Tohru's life. And that's hard, and really really lonely.

Because he doesn't think anything positive of himself. He is hotheaded, unwanted by most, and an airhead. Adding to that, he's also selfish and weak and a coward. Those qualities had cost him Tohru once, and they're about to do the same now.

That's it.

At Haru's the other day, he'd realized that he's standing in his own way. And that's how: He's standing in his own way by holding on to what he did in the past. Tohru wants to just move forward. Shouldn't that be what he wants, too? No, it is what he wants, too.

He wants to hold her again. He wants to kiss her more, and take her on fun dates, and someday move in with her and get married and maybe have kids. All of these things involve leaving the past behind.

So he makes a list for himself. A list of things that he needs to start doing, in order to earn the right to a place in Tohru's life.

He needs to be braver—if he has something on his mind, he should just say it, instead of getting anxious and cold, and letting the thought create a rift between them. He needs to be more generous—he's always gone out of his way to give Tohru what she wants, but there were certain things he just couldn't do before; he absolutely needs to do them now. He needs to be smarter and stronger and just better.

He actually writes these things down on a post-it note, too, because he heard from Kagura years ago that writing things you want down attracts good energy from the universe or whatever. And then he gets dressed, a little more nicely than he usually does, and he walks to the station.

Because he knows what he needs to do, and that's use his new-found bravery to apologize and confess before it's too late.

A/N: Hi, lovelies. I know you were hoping for something a little happier, he next chapter will be fluff, so stick with me? Lol.

Chapter title: "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan