Disclaimer to Stephanie Meyer.
A/N: As always, thanks to everyone who leave thoughtful and kind reviews. They always make my day. I hope you all enjoy the chapter.
With love, -M
Chapter Eight
"It's not your fault, we all should have known better."
/
"She's through the worst of it now."
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"You'll know once she wakes up."
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"I have to go. We miss you, see you soon."
/
"I'm right here Bella, I'm not going to leave you."
…
"You're going to be okay Bella, you're through the worst of it now."
…
"You're doing great, almost done."
…
Pine. All that I could smell was pine. The scent was thick in the air like someone was holding a candle directly below my nose. It was lovely- calming and familiar. I took a deep breath, welcoming the freshness of its air into my lungs.
The pine wasn't unaccompanied. Traces of cedar and upturned soil intermingled within the air and overwhelmed me. Never in my life had I taken such a fresh breath of air…
My life-
My eyes shot open.
The Volturi, Carlisle, The pain-
It was over.
I once again found myself waking up in an unfamiliar room. Except instead of the cold unwelcoming interior of the room in Volterra, this room was beautifully furnished and decorated. All of the furniture was constructed of exquisitely crafted wood, so finely detailed on every surface. I had never seen craftsmanship so thoughtfully constructed that I could see the grain patterns from so far away.
I had never seen like this-
My eyes darted across the room, every inch of the space clearer than any time I had ever seen before. I could see dust floating in the air, gaps in the cabin walls, a bird sitting at the top of a tree hundreds of feet away-
"Bella-"
My eyes snapped to a marbled etched face that could only belong to Carlisle. He sat in a small wooden chair, hands clasped together as his elbows rested on his knees. Carlisle smiled at me, a sincere smile that touched his eyes.
I had been around Carlisle many times since meeting the Cullens. But never had I seen him. Not as I did in this moment. The perfection of Carlisle's appearance was intensified. His skin was flawless, not a blemish or a patch of mis-toned skin existed anywhere that could be seen. His golden hair rested effortlessly, framing a face of symmetry that artists could only dream of capturing. I envied the beauty that Carlisle possessed.
How had I not noticed this before?
"Bella, are you alright?" Carlisle leaned forward, raising his eyebrows questionably once my eyes met his.
Was I alright?
The memory of Volterra suddenly flashed in crystal clear sharpness. The wreck, my shoulder, Jane, Aro, Carlisle- him. I had made Carlisle change me. I was no longer human.
I was no longer human.
I was laying on my side, still staring at Carlisle.
How long had I been out?
"I'm fine," I answered.
Carlisle chuckled, clearly entertained by my disequilibrium.
"How do you feel, Bella?"
"I'm alright."
"Do you remember what happened?"
The memory of Carlisle gently raising my arm to his lips rushed through my head. My insides recoiled as I remembered the gentle touch of Carlisle's grasp on my elbow, followed by the worst physical pain I had ever endured.
For an endless stretch of time, fire coursed through my veins and charred every nerve that existed in my body. The venom was antagonizing. From the moment Carlisle broke skin with teeth, my only conceivable thoughts surrounded the pain of the fire.
I sat up and reached my hand over to my wounded shoulder. Not a single spot ached at the touch. I was wearing a clean grey T-shirt, no doubt a shirt that belonged to Esme. I could smell traces of her scent all over the fabric. Pushing the neckline aside, I gasped realizing that my shoulder was perfectly normal. No longer was there a large gash, oozing blood through my clothing. There were no stitches, no scars, not a hint that my shoulder had ever been mangled.
Overwhelmed, I swung my legs off the bed to stand opposite to Carlisle. I stumbled, surprised at how fast I had moved from the bed to my feet. I met Carlisle's eyes again. He looked concerned, but slightly amused at my fumbling.
I once again tried to take in my surroundings. The room was very beautiful, a large window directly behind Carlisle gave view to the most gorgeous wooded scenery I had ever seen in my life. The depth of the green from the trees was intertwined with several shades of wildflowers scattered within the weeds. Small slits of light shown through the trees, highlighting the dew on the long strings of grass.
This room was part of a small Cabin. And knowing Carlisle, and understanding the circumstances, I guessed it was a very secluded cabin- far away from any form of humanity.
My voice came out as a whisper.
"I remember."
Carlisle's expression could not have been more sympathetic. I remembered Carlisle's feelings about changing someone, that he would never do it unless they had no other option.
And I had no other option.
Along with the painful memory of the transformation, the painful memory of my relationship with the Cullens returned in full force. I cringed, feeling horrible that Carlisle had been forced to care for me.
"Bella, I know this can be very overwhelming. It's okay- I'm right here for you."
Another sting of guilt stabbed me in the heart.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"A cabin Esme and I own just outside of Calgary. Somewhat of a vacation spot I guess you could say."
"Wait, we traveled all the way from Volterra to here?" I asked, surprised.
"Yes, I must apologize for the drastic change in setting. We thought it would be easiest to travel before you'd need to… well-"
Suddenly, Carlisle's cell phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID before dropping the phone back at his side.
"Please, take it." I didn't want to be more of a burden than I already was.
"It will be brief; I will be right back."
As Carlisle stepped outside onto the attached cement patio, I continued my inspection of the cabin room. Off in the corner, there was a tiny bathroom containing only a shower and a small porcelain sink.
I slowly walked into the bathroom, testing my vastly improved eyesight. This bathroom had clearly never been used, not a speck of dust could be found anywhere inside. I flipped the light switch, purely out of habit. Even in the dim light, I could see everything clearly.
Stepping farther into the bathroom, I gasped in surprise at my appearance. My hair was darker, a more even toned shade that appeared glossier than before. My lips were more plump, my face more symmetrical, my skin just as pale and smooth as Carlisle's.
I stood motionless. The image that reflected in the mirror hardly looked like myself. The figure portrayed looked like someone had been asked to draw me from memory- and they sketched and amplified the best aspects of each of my features.
All except for my eyes.
My eyes were the shock that stilled my body most. The dull brown that once encircled my iris had been replaced with the same dark burgundy that had haunted so many of my nightmares. My stomach coiled as I felt disgust at sharing this feature with those that haunted these dreams.
I stood, staring at myself for many long moments in the oversized mirror. I had never examined myself this in-depth before. I leaned forward, placing both of my hands on the porcelain sink.
I continued to lean forward, closing the space between myself and the stranger in the mirror. My grip tightened on the sink, a habit from the typical need to steady myself when placing my weight upon something. As my grip tightened, the sink below me shattered. Its entirety crumling below me.
Just as a wave of panic began to overtake me, light and quick footsteps approached from behind. Raising my head, feelings of relief and shame washed over me as I recognized Esme in the mirror. Her kind eyes were soft, just as sympathetic as Carlisle's had been.
I stared at her for a long silent moment before I attempted to open my mouth to begin an apology- for shattering her sink, for putting Carlisle in danger, for breaking up her family- but words failed me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to glue each fragment of the sink together piece by piece. I wanted to tell her how much I had missed her, how I thought of her every day and how much I craved to be part of her family.
Esme placed both of her hands on my arms. Her skin was much softer than I had remembered it, and warmth radiated from her fingertips.
"Esme I'm so sorry-" I continued to choke on my words. The only thing I was able to do was stare at the shattered porcelain on the ground.
"Bella-" Her voice was soft, soothing like a mother with a sick child. "It's okay- I've been wanting to redo this bathroom for decades. It gives me an excuse for a new project."
She smiled again and my heart swelled with love for this woman. I was undeserving of her kindness. The weight of the guilt on my chest sunk deeper as I realized more now than ever the stress I would be to her family. I turned my body, facing Esme for the first time since my birthday.
My brief glance of her reflection in the mirror did her no justice. Just as before with Carlisle, I was seeing Esme for the first time. Her brown curls draped graciously over her heart shaped face. The gold surrounding her iris was bright and welcoming. I was entranced, stilled in her light embrace as I took in the beauty that Esme possessed.
There was never a lack of admiration for Carlisle's beauty or kindness among humans or vampires, but no woman shared the beauty, depth, or graciousness to match Carlsile's as well as Esme. Both were the strongest proof that the soul had to be maintained through the loss of mortality. Even he had struggled to counter this point, so many months ago.
Esme lowered us to the floor, pulling me across her to sit on the plush carpet of the bedroom. She leaned against the wall and bent my legs over her lap. Sliding one hand across my back, she tucked my head into her shoulder. Resting her head on top of mine, she gently stroked my hair.
I thought of nothing for the entirety of Esme's embrace. It was the most peaceful moment I had found in months. The heat from her body cradling mine engulfed me and temporarily numbed all of the pain I had felt since the Cullens had left Forks. I momentarily questioned if Jasper could be nearby, but the lessening of this ache felt natural, maternal. It was just Esme.
Eventually, Esme's comfort pushed my thoughts to Charlie. I wanted to see my father, to be with him like I had before the accident. A sharp sting of pain seared in my chest as I thought of the agony Charlie must have been in. Jacob hadn't known I was planning to come over. How long did Charlie wait to call Billy to check up on me? How long until someone, if anyone, reported the accident and he was notified? Could my father accept that an animal had attacked me? Could he live with that?
I had no idea how long we remained this way. So long that I realized Carlisle was no longer on the phone, but in another room on the opposite side of the cabin.
I forced myself to lift my head, ending the moment I had allowed myself with Esme. It was selfish, to take advantage of her kindness, when I was once again an unasked for burden to her family.
Ending our embrace, Esme squeezed me tightly before letting go. More graceful than I could ever dream to be, she rose and gently folded her hands around mine. She helped lift me to my feet, turning my body to sit in the cushioned chair that had previously been occupied by Carlisle.
Esme did not release my hands. She sat directly across from me, placing herself on the edge of the bed.
"I have missed you so much, Bella." Esme's voice was soft, and it appeared that if she had been able to cry, she would.
"I am so sorry for everything. We should have been there to protect you. We unintentionally forced you into this, into making a choice you should have gotten to make under different circumstances. We did what we thought was best, but it doesn't excuse the danger and pain we have put you through. We do not deserve your forgiveness, but I selfishly need to tell you how sorry we are."
My throat swelled. How could Esme believe herself or her family to be selfish? She had only done what she had to do to protect her family. I was the risk to their existence, the reason Carlisle had been forced to appear before the Volturi. It would have been better, more deserving, if she had turned a cold shoulder to me. Esme had every right to feel nothing but anger towards me. Her character shielded her from the reality of my presence in their life. She deserved better.
I wanted to respond, to tell her how wrong she was. I wanted to apologize and comfort her as she did me.
"I am sorry." It was the only thing I could get out. It took every ounce of energy to speak without choking through the words.
Esme's eyebrows deepened into a firm V. She squeezed my hands.
"You must be hungry?"
Was I? I didn't feel the normal twist in my stomach that accompanied the feeling of hunger. I tensed, remembering what my diet would now entail.
Fear prickled my skin. I was one of them. He had told me what it was like the first few years of becoming a vampire. Would I lose myself the moment I smelled a drop of blood? Had I already lost myself and not even realized it?
Esme spoke again, understanding I was not going to give a response.
"Carlisle is coordinating, I think that gives us a good chance for you and I to go hunting." Esme rose, tugging gently on one hand for me to rise with her.
Slowly, she walked over to the patio Carlisle had taken his phone call to and opened the large french door. I followed Esme outside, only a few paces behind her.
The fragrances of the woods overtook my body. The air that lingered inside the cabin had been dull compared to the fresh air that greeted me outside. My breathing hitched. The world had never smelled so beautiful.
The shade from the cabin ended just beyond the patio. I approached it slowly, reaching my hand out in front of me.
As soon as my fingertips reached the light, thousands of sparkles shimmered from my skin. I stretched my hand further into the light, turning it as the warmth of the sun soaked into my palm and glistened every square inch of my skin.
It was then that a new scent mixed within the air. My throat began to burn. I suddenly felt as though I had not had anything to drink in days. Sandpaper coated my throat and every muscle in my body tensed.
Esme approached slowly from behind.
"Follow your instincts, Bella. I'll be right here with you the entire time."
…
About an hour later, I asked Esme if we could return to the cabin. In just 60 short minutes, I had slaughtered and drained more animals than I had likely consumed in a month as a human. Each time, my heart ached as I watched life seep from the creatures by my hands. The experience made me feel, if possible, an even deeper gratitude to Esme and Carlisle for secluding me from humans.
Esme and I were quiet for most of the hunt, the silence only broken when Esme showed me how to keep blood from spilling all over myself. I spent most of my time silently trying to think about what would happen next. Would Esme and Carlisle leave me here until I could better control my thirst? Would they stay here with me? Babysit me until they could return to their family? Could I go back to Charlie? Did they tell the others? Would the others come? Would he come?
No.
We walked back to the cabin in uncomfortable silence. With the long stretch of silence, I began to wonder who had called Carlisle when I had first awoken-
Was it him? Is he angry? Will he come here?
No.
I had been so flustered when I first awoke that I didn't even think to ask who Carlisle had spoken to or if other Cullen family members knew what had happened. Carlisle had to have spoken to the others, he had to know by now.
"How long did it take for me to… transition?" I asked Esme, struggling with my word choice.
Esme smiled nervously at me.
"Almost three days."
Three days meant that Alice knew. Alice knew I was a vampire, whether Esme or Carlisle had told her or not. Alice must have seen Carlisle going to the Volterra- Why didn't she stop him? Carlisle had been genuinely surprised to find me with the Volturi. Did that mean Alice hadn't been looking for my future, that she hadn't seen the accident? Had she just not been able to catch Carlisle in time?
As Esme and I got closer to the cabin, I could hear Carlisle once again on the phone.
"Yes, I hear them now. They're almost back. I'll see you soon."
Carlisle stood in front of the cabin, eyes bouncing between Esme and I. Carlisle could not read minds, but I could tell he and Esme were having their own conversation. Whatever Esme was able to communicate, it left Carlisle with only a faint smile.
"Welcome back Bella. How was your first hunt?"
"It was… okay."
Carlisle's eyes moved quickly to meet Esme's.
"Bella did excellent, she barely hunted more than I did." Esme said.
Carlisle forced a smile.
"Well, that's the nice part about being out here, we can go hunting again whenever you feel like it."
Oh-
I suddenly understood what Esme and Carlisle were trying to communicate to one another. Carlisle wanted to know how well I could control myself. He wanted to know how long until I would no longer be their problem.
"Would you like to go inside, Bella? I'm sure you have many questions."
I did have a lot of questions. But did I want the answers? I nodded allowing Carlise to lead the way into the cabin.
The rest of the cabin was just as beautifully decorated as the room I had awoken in. It was also much larger than I had originally imagined. Esme motioned me to a dining table in the center of the main living space, another prop I guessed was hardly used.
I grabbed the chair closest to me to sit, startled when splinters of wood fell to the ground from my touch. Carlisle and Esme both chuckled, not looking at all upset that I had ruined another beautiful, and likely expensive, piece of furniture in their home.
My anxiety reached its peak for the day when I noticed that there were exactly 7 chairs at the table. An important reminder of my standing with the Cullens.
"Bella," Carlisle started, "I'd like to take this opportunity to personally apologize for everything that has happened to you. When we left Forks, we never thought anything like this would happen."
So had the Cullens not known the Volturi would be in Forks? Could they evade Alice's visions?
"I… to be honest I don't understand why the Volturi were in Forks- and I don't understand why they didn't just kill me when they found me." I said, stuttering.
"I spoke briefly with Aro before we left Volterra. The Volturi were seeking… others of a different kind. They happened upon you by pure chance. Jane and Demetri could tell you understood what they were and they were hoping you could give them some information they were seeking." Carlisle answered.
"The… werewolves?" I asked.
"Yes. We get along peacefully with those that reside in Forks, but I'm not so sure how kindly they would have taken to the Volturi."
I mulled over this for several moments. He had never mentioned anything about werewolves before. Especially in Forks of all places.
Esme's eyes never left my face. Her expression was strained. This encounter had to be difficult for her, for both of them. When they had left Forks, they surely thought every problem that had accompanied my presence in their life would disappear. Now, I was going to exist on the same Earth as them for as long as they would.
"Carlisle, I need to thank you," I started, "You saved my life, even by changing it. I know doing that isn't easy. I know you don't morally agree with changing someone unless under different circumstances. But I'm thankful." I hoped by saying this, some of Carlisle's burden could be lifted.
"Bella, you do not need to thank me. It is I who should be thanking you. You sacrificed everything for us: your family, your friends, your humanity, your life. It was no small price to pay and I will be eternally grateful to you." Carlisle leaned forward slowly as he spoke these words, trying to meet my gaze.
I was stunned at this moment. Carlisle felt grateful to me? To the person who completely uprooted his family, who guilted his son to the point of seeking the Volturi? A weak, dull, needy human who nearly led a massacre straight to his entire family?
I looked around the table, the 7 chairs placed evenly around the beautifully carved dining table. I was not part of the Cullen clan. I would not take advantage of Esme and Carlisle's kindness.
"I know that I will need… assistance for some time. But I promise I will try to control myself- so that you can return to the others. I know the burden that I am to your family and I don't want to impose myself on you anymore than absolutely necessary. I really am sorry, for everything-"
"Bella-" This time it was Esme that spoke. "Bella, you are no burden to our family. We care for you so deeply. Had things… worked out differently there would be no question of you belonging with us."
Had things worked out differently- Had he not bored of me, had I not been too appetising to be around, had I not risked their existence entirely.
I wanted to scream. I felt like a baby below its favorite mobile. Each figure dangling directly above me, just barely outside of my reach. I wanted so badly to believe Esme, and maybe in part I did. Had Edward loved me, I could have belonged with them. But, the Cullens were out of my reach. He did not want me, he had made that very clear.
"Bella the choice is always yours-" Carlisle continued, trying to ease the weight of what Esme had said. "We just ask that you allow us to help you before you're ready to leave us, if that's what you choose."
If I could control my thirst, I could return to Charlie. I knew I couldn't be in his life like I had before, but I could look out for him. He had a dangerous job, he just lost his only child, he was completely alone and I could care for him from a distance. He was all I had left.
"How long will that be?" I asked.
"It varies, vampire to vampire. It could only be a few months if you never taste human blood, but most likely it will be years. Based on how well you've been conducting yourself since you woke up and how in control Esme said you were while hunting, I don't expect it to be too many, not compared to someone like Jasper."
"So, we stay here until then?"
"Well, actually," Esme began, "We've found it's best to introduce the scent of human blood more… gradually." She stopped and smiled. Whatever expression rested on my face must have made Esme feel the need to explain this to me slowly.
"Of course you are free to object," Carlisle interjected, "but we thought it would be best to go up to Alaska. Some of the others are already up there with our "extended family". Alaska is a good place to learn constraint, lots of space for hunting and we have more control over how many humans we allow ourselves around."
Some of the others.
Suddenly, everything that had seemed so important moments ago vanished from my thoughts. What if he was there? What would I say to him? Would he be angry with me? Disgusted with me as an eternal reminder of his lapse in judgement?
I was silent for a long time before asking,
"Who will be… in Alaska?"
Carlisle spoke first.
"Alice and Jasper are there right now with the Denali coven, and Emmett and Rose may come eventually, we're not quite sure yet."
And from that I got the answer I was really looking for.
I took a deep breath, trying to process everything from the last few hours. For months, I had wanted only one thing more than to see Alice. But now, could I handle them all leaving me again? Could I do what I needed to do so that they could finally move on with their lives?
I thought of Charlie again, the only person in my life who never left me. Even my mother, who I loved deeply, had wanted to be with someone else above me.
Maybe I could go to Alaska. Maybe I could stay with the Cullens if I kept my focus on getting back to Charlie. Charlie needed me, and I could keep reminding myself of this. I could, eventually, when I was ready, leave them and tell myself that I needed to do it for Charlie. This could soften the pain, it could make me feel like it would be my choice. It could let me pretend that they wouldn't leave me again.
I lifted my head to meet Carlisle's eyes.
"To Alaska then."