Disclaimer to Stephanie Meyer.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who follows, favorites, and/or leaves kind reviews. I really enjoy posting these chapters and I hope you're all enjoying the story so far.

With love, -M

Chapter Nine

Once the decision had been made, there wasn't much left to be discussed. Esme explained that since we were already in Calgary, the trip for us could be done on foot and we could hunt along the way if needed. Because of this, Carlisle suggested that we stay at the cabin a bit longer to give the others time to make arrangements and for travel.

There wasn't too much to do as the days passed. I secluded myself in my room most of the time to give space for Carlisle and Esme to have some privacy. I felt guilty, but my hearing was too tuned for my attempt to mean much of anything. When I wasn't alone, I tried my best to help with chores. I cleaned the bathroom I had destroyed and helped Esme around the cabin, but as sunsets came and went there was less and less to do.

The lack of activity or distractions was worsened by my inability to sleep. I found myself often longing for it immensely. The irony was not lost on me to remember that most of my dreams had been nightmares. Though they had been rare when I was human, I longed for the nights of peaceful sleep with sweet dreams of bliss. Now, in this frozen state, I felt like I had no refuge. There was no more euphoric healing after the vulture, only ceaseless pain.

While I was not sleeping, I often thought of joining Carlisle and Esme in the evenings. Sitting on the patio of my room, I could narrowly see into the living room window. Most often, they sat on opposite sides of the couch reading. Carlisle typically read a medical journal and Esme a home renovation magazine. The cabin had a small bookshelf in the corner of the loft, and every night I entertained the idea of grabbing a book and joining them. It had been months since I had read anything and if I couldn't sleep it could be the next best distraction. I acknowledged to myself that I could borrow a book and take it back to my room, but what I really wanted was to just be near Carlisle and Esme. I wanted their company, even if we sat in complete silence. But each time I considered it, I stopped myself. It would be foolish to pretend that I could have a relationship with Esme and Carlisle. And if I allowed myself to pretend, it would only hurt worse when they would inevitably leave me again.

The most social interaction I had with Esme or Carlisle was when they would ask me to join them for hunting. Though I wanted their company severely during the evening, it wasn't the same while hunting. This time spent together was ruined, a dark cloud always hanging over. The thought of evenings with Carlisle and Esme felt relaxing, an appealing atmosphere of warm companionship. Hunting was a constant reminder of why I was here with them and I loathed the reminder each time. I also despised the look on Carlisle and Esme's faces when I was reluctant to join or ready to head back too soon. Most hunting trips, I drank to appease Carlisle and Esme rather than for my own thirst.

As the days continued to drag on, I was anxious and ready to leave the cabin. The lack of stimulation from the seclusion of the cabin allowed my thoughts to drift to unpleasant subjects. It pained me the most to think about Charlie and the torture he had to be enduring. I hoped most that he didn't blame himself. I wanted him to heal, to go through the stages of grief appropriately. The worst case, I feared, was that he believed I may still be alive, that because there was no body there may still be a chance. I thought of Jane and Demetri who found me, who took my unconscious body from the snow. Would the police see other footprints? Would my father think something malicious happened? Did Jane and Demetri cover their footprints, or had they not cared what a small town police department might conclude?

Thinking of my father gave me just enough strength to not break down every day. I knew that I needed to be there for Charlie, and the quicker I could leave to be with him the better it would be for everyone.

The afternoon Carlisle suggested we prepare to leave, Esme asked if I could help her around the cabin a bit more before leaving.

"I imagine you're about ready for a change in scenery." Esme said.

"Yeah, maybe. I really don't know what to do with myself all day." I answered.

"It's challenging, the first few weeks. Not sleeping really disrupts our old routines. Finding a hobby tends to help."

Esme was right, of course. I had thought about this over the past few days, what I would do with my new found time. I thought of all the books I had sitting on my nightstand at home that I had never read. Maybe Charlie would leave them there and one day I could retrieve them.

Esme spoke again.

"If you think of something you'd like, Bella, you'll let me know? I want to make sure you're comfortable, I know you've had a lot of change lately. I want to be there to help." Esme met my eyes and smiled warmly.

"Oh, thank you." I tried to return Esme's smile.

"Are we ready?" Carlisle spoke from behind us.

Esme answered.

"I think so."

Carlisle and Esme led the way outside of the cabin. I lingered behind, another small attempt to give them some space. I watched as Carlisle gently grabbed Esme's hand as they walked down the steps. Esme returned the affection by squeezing his hand gently, tilting her body as he softly kissed her on the forehead. I instinctively turned away, rationalizing the action because I was giving them space. In truth though, I knew that it was because it was painful to observe. Not only did it make me think of him, but it made me long even deeper to be part of their family.

Carlisle released Esme and turned to me.

"Alright, Bella, the trip from here to our cabin in Alaska will take about a day, including any stops we may want to take for hunting. Just follow Esme and I and let us know whenever you're ready for a break. It would be best if we don't split up, so if you lose us, just stop and we'll find you."

I nodded.

Carlisle turned to Esme, stretching his hand toward the forest.

"After you."

And with that, we began running.

…

Running through the woods to Alaska was much different than running for hunting. The feeling was exhilarating, almost fulfilling, like the first truly enjoyable thing I had been able to do since changing. I followed Esme and Carlisle closely, as instructed, but allowed myself some small pleasures of jumping over creeks and weaving myself between densely spaced trees. I couldn't believe this had ever frightened me, ever made me feel nauseous. It was freeing, carefree, I felt weightless.

A couple hours into the journey, Carlisle suggested we stop for a break. In just the few hundred miles we had run, the terrain had changed significantly. Here, a light blanket of snow covered the ground as tiny iscles weighed down thick branches. Mountains covered in snow were stretched along the horizon, the sun setting gently behind them.

"I think this is as good a place as any." Carlisle stopped inside a small clearing, just along the edge of a thin stream.

"Do you know where we are?" I asked. Remaining so deep in the woods to stay away from humans, there were no markers indicating how far we had traveled. The feeling of not knowing where we were was unnerving and I didn't like it.

"I believe we're just west of Edmonton, about a third of the way there."

Without thinking I gave a slow nod. I couldn't believe how far we had traveled, how strong I still felt. I had never been a graceful human, and today, in just a few hours, I had run hundreds of miles.

We each hunted for a bit, but I really wasn't very thirsty. I finished what I could and returned to the clearing we had initially stopped at. Not wanting to interrupt Esme or Carlisle, I moved to sit at the edge of the stream.

I felt uncomfortable with my lack of appetite. Was it not normal to be so sated? Esme and Carlisle were constantly encouraging me to hunt, but it's appeal did so little for me. Were they always so thirsty? Maybe I would feel differently in a few days, maybe the burn of the thirst hadn't set in fully yet for me.

As I sat in my thoughts, I etched doodles in the dirt below my feet with a stick. The stream reminded me of the small creek behind Charlie's house. I missed my father so deeply. I pressed my palm into the snow, watching the imprint of my palm take shape. The last time I had been in snow, I had thought I was going to die. Now I was practically indestructible. I closed my eyes, wishing I could have been strong enough to return to Charlie then.

Eyes still closed, I heard footsteps approaching. Carlisle walked towards me, then casually lowered himself to sit beside me.

"The water's beautiful out here, so clear," he said.

I nodded.

We sat for a few minutes in silence, the sound of the water flowing over the rocks and up the banks filling the absence of words. Eventually, Carlisle spoke again.

"I imagine… there's not much you're not overwhelmed with right now." Carlisle said.

I looked over, meeting his gaze. His expression was soft, compassionate.

He's trying to talk to me.

I turned my head away quickly. I couldn't let Carlisle know how deeply their absence had hurt me. Carlisle and Esme would unfairly put blame on themselves. It would cause them pain, for something they had no control over.

But Carlisle was right, there wasn't much on my mind that wasn't overwhelming. And as much as I wanted to shield him from my pain, the temptation of his open invitation to voice the weight of some hurt was alluring.

"I… miss my father. I'm worried about him, worried about what the accident must have done to him." I answered, and it wasn't a lie.

I didn't dare look to meet Carlisle's eyes. I didn't know if I would be able to keep it together, and now more than ever I needed to.

Carlisle took a deep breath. And after a few long moments, he leaned forward, picking up his own stick and turning it over slowly in his hands.

"After I found you with the Volturi, and I found out what had happened, I called your father. During your transition."

If my heart could have pulsed, it would have beat straight out of my chest. My head shot up, my gaze straight to Carlisle's face. He looked strained, like the words he had just spoken were done with great difficulty. He continued.

"I called to give my condolences, told him I heard the news through colleagues from the hospital. The department believes an animal got ahold of you. Obviously no body was discovered. Your father- he's in great pain, but I hear he has a lot of support. From what I understand, the department and some friends from the reservation have been taking good care of him."

I knew that the words Carlisle spoke should have eased some of my pain. It was the best case scenario, right? Charlie wasn't chasing a lost cause, he wasn't alone, he had support- friends. I couldn't move my gaze from Carlisle, his expression still stressed and hollow.

"I guess… I guess that's good. That's the best case scenario, I think." I returned to doodling in the dirt, allowing the uncomfortable silence to stretch thicker in the air.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Bella. I just thought it may be a lot on top of… well on top of a lot already."

I slowly rocked my head gently back and forth, not absorbing Carlisle's words. I should have felt better. I should have been happy that Charlie had the tools to recover, that he had a chance at a life beyond my death. There were people there to support him. Maybe he would meet someone, find love with someone who he could share his pain with. Maybe this would open some doors for him, maybe he could use some of my college money for new fishing gear or to fix up the house a bit. There were positives, it would be okay.

I had wanted this for my father, but I couldn't lie to myself and not admit that this didn't help me justify leaving the Cullen's sooner. My father would be fine, I knew this, instinctually. But I needed Charlie. I needed him to need me, so I could move on with my life. Otherwise, what would keep me from letting myself believe I could stay with the Cullens? Without the push, I would undoubtedly fall into the welcoming, but temporary, embrace of the Cullens. I couldn't do that to myself again.

"You're a Jane Austen fan, are you not?" Carlisle asked, breaking my train of thought.

"Uh, yes. Very much so." I stumbled on my words, adjusting to the sudden shift in topic.

"I have copies of some original publications at the cabin in Denali. You're welcome to borrow them whenever you'd like. I find reading the stories in their intended format somehow changes them, makes me feel more connected to the stories I guess."

"Original copies? I couldn't- I'd tear them, I mean, original copies?"

Carlisle smiled, nodding his head amusingly.

"There's not much more to do in Alaska than in Calgary. You'll have lots of time to practice turning pages. And if a page gets torn, it's not the end of the world. The books are old, hard to preserve as frequently as we have to move." Carlisle seemed to relax more as he spoke.

My fingers flexed, I wanted so badly to see these books. Original copies. My stick began shaping stacks of books in the dirt, my thoughts temporarily distracted at the prospect of seeing Carlise's collection.

Esme's footsteps approach from behind us. Carlisle and I both rose to our feet, lifting ourselves in a somewhat better frame of mind than when we had each sat down.

"Ready to keep going?" She asked.

I looked to Carlisle, feeling for the first time in months genuinely excited for something.

"Yes, let's go." I answered.

…

As we continued on our journey, the sun finally set and the snow on the ground laid thicker and thicker as the miles traveled past us. I could feel the air become cooler, and marveled that I didn't freeze from the steep drop in temperature. My eyesight remained as strong as it had in broad daylight, no drop in clarity from the absence of sunlight.

I continued to follow my instructions, following closely behind Esme and Carlisle as we ran through the forest. As we neared the mountains though, it became more and more difficult to follow their paths. A few times, I had mistakenly missed the direction they'd intended and had to correct myself to stay close. Both Carlisle and Esme were kind about it, never stopping to give me a hard time or make me feel worse for it.

"Bella, there is a river ahead. We're going to jump it, be ready!" Carlisle shouted from ahead. At various times throughout our trip, both Carlisle and Esme had given small heads up to rivers or other obstacles that would cross our path. As I had done for each of those instances, I prepared myself to cross as closely behind Esme and Carlisle as I could.

Shortly after acknowledging Carlisle's heads up, I could smell the fresh breeze of the river ahead. I readied myself, slowing slightly behind Carlisle and Esme to watch their steps to better mirror them.

We neared the edge of the cliff overseeing the river. Carlisle was the first to jump, soaring graciously above the water and landing effortlessly on the other side. Esme followed closely behind, matching the same movements as Carlisle.

I continued closely behind them. I was prepared to make the same leap when a heavy delectable scent filled my senses. I stopped immediately, deeply inhaling the luscious scent.

I know what this is.

And I need it.

With less than a second passing, I turned sharply and began running along the stream. The more I ran, the stronger the pull became.

I had never desired something so fiercely before.

I need this.

"Bella!"

Esme.

Esme knew what I was doing. She knew what I wanted.

How could they keep this from me?

I kept running. They knew what they were doing, keeping me from what I needed.

I am stronger. I am faster. I will get there first.

There was nothing they could do to stop me.

I started running faster, both to get ahead of Carlisle and Esme and to reach the delicious temptation awaiting me ahead.

I could hear that Esme and Carlisle were well behind me, I had lost them. I was too fast, they had no chance.

I kept running, I was closer. So much closer. I could practically taste it already.

I stopped, I could figure out the exact source.

I need this.

Then I saw him. He was on the other side of the river, tucked under a large ledge for shelter.

I jumped across, just as they had done. I was much closer now. He was defenseless, so weak and fragile. He was no more than just a few feet before me now.

I approached slowly, taking in the scene before me. The man was a hiker, all of his belongings scattered around him as he slept. I groaned, my fists tightening. A small cut was visible on his hand, dark red blood dried around the edges. A stained rag laid beside him, no doubt to stop the bleeding.

It was too easy. This human, I could kill him in his sleep. He would never know. His family, friends, coworkers, they would never know what happened to him. A lone hiker, no one could hardly be surprised. It could be discrete.

It's too easy.

I stepped forward.

This man has family, friends, a life. I cannot be the one-

I could hear them now, Carlisle and Esme. They could follow the scent too, of course.

I was running out of time.

I need this.

The man stirred, Carlisle and Esme were screaming my name.

I took a step forward.

I want this.

I wanted this. I wanted to open his wound, take everything I could from him, relish in the taste of his blood.

I want this.

I stood frozen in place, staring at the man. Carlisle and Esme were almost here, their voices becoming more clear each second. They would be ashamed once they got here, once they found his shriveled body.

He would be ashamed.

I am ashamed.

I took another step forward.

I want this.

Before my body could decide anything else, I lunged toward the man.

But I don't need this.

I stopped breathing and grabbed the bloodied rag, the map stretched under his backpack, and jumped into the river.

…

I let the river carry me downstream for a few miles before I swam to the shore. Esme and Carlisle wouldn't be able to trace my scent through the river, and I was happy for it. I couldn't face their shame.

My grip tightened on the rag stolen from the innocent hiker, the poor soul who had had the misfortune of being directly in the path of a newborn vampire.

I stared at the rag.

Why did I grab this?

I lifted the rag to my face and took a shallow breath. I could smell the blood, the delicious taste that had strayed me so far off course, but it wasn't too strong. No doubt soaking in the river for so long had dulled the scent.

I began taking deeper breaths into the rag. He had done this, with my scent, to desensitize himself. Why could I not do the same?

As I took more breaths, my body began to shake. I lowered the rag, allowing my head to tip back and welcome fresh air from the forest.

I threw the rag aside, angry at its reminder of my uncontrollable bloodlust. Still in my other hand was the map I had stolen from the hiker. I unfolded it and stared at it. The man had marked his trip and had taken notes at each of his milestones. I studied the map until I could guess where I was.

Here.

My index finger traced gently over the map. I had veered significantly far from the path laid out by Carlisle and Esme. Surely they would struggle to find me now that I had run from them. The river would cover my scent. And Alice, even if she could see what I would do next, had no way of getting ahold of either Esme or Carlisle. It would take them at least an hour to get somewhere with a signal, giving me too strong of a head start.

But where will I go?

I couldn't return to the Cullens. I was beyond ashamed of the way I had acted, the near death I had almost brought upon an innocent man. The thought of seeing their shame pained me deeply, and I was not strong enough to face them a second time.

But then again, this was all assuming the Cullens would even search for me. Maybe this horrendous slip would make them finally accept that I wasn't worth the trouble, that they should really just move on. Was it not conceited to think the Cullens would spend so many hours of their days worrying and trying to find me? It was surely more than I deserved, and they had to have realized this by now.

Yes, Carlie and Esme would be thankful I had not hurt the human and they would move on to Alaska. At least they would get to see Alice and Jasper, maybe even Rosalie and Emmett once they heard I would no longer be joining them. I smiled, thinking of a happy reunion among them. Maybe even he would join them. Eventually, maybe.

I returned my gaze to the map, my finger still placed on the map along the river. I began tracing my finger over its features, not certain of what I was looking for. I knew the life I would now lead, hidden beneath shadows and clouds roaming from one place to the next. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I was more alone now than I ever had been before.

I began unfolding the map and laid it out completely flat on the ground next to me. The snow soaked into the soft paper, blurring borders and city names. I placed one finger where I was at the river, and the other finger where I couldn't help but lead it.

Forks.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to return to my father, return to the small town I had dreaded to move to. I wanted to lay in my bed and pretend it would be any moment before he would climb through my window. I had nowhere else to go, no one else to be with.

I knew I could not be with my father, that he could not know I was still alive. I knew I couldn't be anywhere near him without bloodlust getting the better of me. I knew I needed to stay out of Charlie's life.

But does Charlie need to stay out of mine?

Would it be so bad to return to Forks? To keep an appropriate distance while watching over my father? I needed to make sure he was okay, that he was healing and taking care of himself. What if Carlisle had softened the reality of my father's life since my accident? What if I could help him? Surely I would never harm my own father- I could learn to control my thirst as the Cullens did. I would keep a far distance, really overindulge myself with animal blood, and only intervene if absolutely necessary for Charlie's life.

I could do that. I could control myself, for Charlie. There was no other alternative.

I could live this life for Charlie. At least for now.

Mind made up, I studied the map for just a second longer before turning to grab the blood soaked rag. Raising the rag to my face, I took the deepest breath I could. My body stiffened, but it was manageable. I could do this. I would do this, for Charlie.

And with that, I set off to Forks.