Disclaimer to Stephanie Meyer.
A/N: As always, thank you to everyone who reviews, follows, favorites, etc. I love hearing the reactions and speculations at the end of each chapter! I hope you all are doing well and enjoy this new chapter :)
With love, -M
Chapter Eleven
For the briefest moment, the Earth was entirely still. The only thing I was capable of comprehending was my name.
"Bella!"
Impossible.
There was no way.
It couldn't be.
"Oh, Bella!"
And with the world still sedated, two warm arms enveloped me, pulling me to their owner's chest.
Shutting my eyes, I stopped screaming. I was being cradled, my head tucked between their head and shoulder. A soft hand gently brushed my hair, muttering my name repeatedly.
"Bella, you're okay, I'm right here with you, Bella, shhhhhh. It's alright, I'm right here. You're safe, Charlie's safe. He's going to be okay, I promise. You've got to calm down, you're alright."
And I did, I calmed down. I let myself be cradled, rocked back and forth on top of the upturned pile of dirt below my own headstone. I breathed in the perfume of my holder, recording it to memory in case I opened my eyes and found no one. I gripped hard onto an arm along my torso, desperate for their presence to be real.
Not willing to let go, just in case, my eyes remained closed as I leaned into them. I couldn't let go of them again, I needed this to be real, it had to be real.
I can't do this again.
"Bella…"
Still rocking in their arms, two fingers pinched lightly at my jaw, slowly drawing up my face to meet theirs.
Alice.
Alice looked as beautiful as ever, her porcelain skin complementing the inky hue of her black hair. So close, I could see the thick gold bands of her eyes glistening even in the dimness of dusk. Her clothes, as fashionable as ever, were in pristine condition. She was, simply put, stunning.
And even with the fear and pain painted so clearly on her face, I sat in awe of her. For months, I had dreamed of seeing her face or hearing her voice. Now, I cared little for the words she actually said, but soaked in the cadences of her voice. I fixated to memorize every feature of her, terrified that I would miss anything.
"Come on, Bella. It's time to go, let's go home."
Alice tried to stand, loosening her grip on me, but I sunk my fingers into her tighter.
She can't go, she can't go, she can't let go of me.
"Bella, we can't stay here. We need to go. Jasper's right over there with the car. You're safe, we won't let anything happen to you, okay?"
But I couldn't answer Alice. I wanted to, I wanted to agree and stand up effortlessly with her, but I couldn't.
She can't let go.
"Bella-"
"Don't let go." I begged.
Alice pulled me tighter against her, resting her chin on top of my forehead. "I have you, Bella. I'm not going to leave you."
"You promise?"
Alice took a deep breath and turned her head to rest her cheek on my head. "I promise."
My heart rate slowing and my breathing evening out, I realized Alice was right. We couldn't stay. But fearing an empty promise, I wasn't ready to willingly let her go quite yet. I needed more time. I couldn't do this again.
But what if she wasn't lying? What if leaving this moment didn't mean leaving Alice? Maybe there was a chance that Alice had missed me too, that she would welcome me in her life now that I had transitioned.
What if Alice really cared for me?
What am I thinking?
Of course Alice cared for me. How could she not? We were so close before they left, I had considered her family.
I had considered them all family.
Why did I assume that feeling was not reciprocated?
How could I have ever felt lonely?
Smiling, I pulled myself away from Alice and threw my arms around her neck. I breathed in more of her scent, warmth spilling over inside of myself.
"Okay, Bella," Alice breathed, lightly tapping my shoulder. "A little too tight-"
"Oh!" I said, jumping back. "Sorry, forgot."
Alice just giggled and smiled a little wider. "That's alright." She stood, offering me her hand to stand with her. "Come on, Bella. We have to go."
Walking back to the car with Alice's arm around me, I was dumbfounded that I had ever doubted how much the Cullens had cared for me. They had left, but for valid reasons. Reasons that no longer existed. Reasons that no longer prevented me from having a relationship with nearly all of them.
Nearly all of them.
But even still. I loved the Cullens.
And the Cullens love me.
The Cullens love me. They care for me. They want to help me.
Emerging from the treeline, Alice and I walked towards her car parked across the street.
"Go ahead and climb in, Bella." Alice said, motioning to the back door. I looked at her, thankful for everything she had done to be here tonight. To be here for me.
But Alice looked upset, nervous and almost sheepish.
"Alice, are you alright?" I asked.
"Yes, of course. But we need to go, we have to hurry."
Nodding my head, I opened the car door and climbed into the backseat.
As soon as Alice climbed into the backseat with me, the car took off well above the legal speed limit. And before I understood what was happening, we were nearly on the highway en route to their Fork's home.
Jasper had been sitting in the driver's seat, waiting for us.
Jasper.
And then it clicked. How quickly I had calmed down, how loved I had felt, how willing I was to go with them.
Jasper's controlling my emotions.
At this realization, something snapped inside of me and all of the feelings from before Alice had appeared returned.
They had manipulated me into going with them. They didn't love me, they just didn't want to risk being seen.
Anger welling up in my chest, I snapped my head to Alice. She knew once I saw Jasper I would figure it out.
Alice reached across to place her hand on my leg.
"Bella I'm so sorry, we had to-"
I shifted my legs away from her. "I know." My words were short and bitter, but I knew why they had done it. I understood, and I didn't blame them. They did the right thing. But the steep drop in my emotions left me bad-tempered and angry. Angry with myself for putting Charlie in that danger, angry with myself for depending on the Cullens to take care of me, burdening them with my existence once again, and angry with myself for running from those damn wolves.
I should have just let them-
"Bella," Jaspers voice was rich within the interior walls of the car, "If you stop I can help you-"
"Stop what?"
"Stop blocking me. We're only trying to help we just want you to-"
"I'm not blocking you," I snapped. But before the words had even left my mouth I knew they were a lie. I wasn't sure how I was doing it, but I wasn't granting Jasper access.
I couldn't. I needed a clear head.
Neither Jasper or Alice pushed to breach the subject again.
Before long, we pulled up to the Cullens house. Light was spilling through the windows into the darkness of the surrounding woods. A few cars were parked inside the garage, filling up nearly half of the available spaces.
Before I could step out fully from Alice's backseat, Esme was standing in front of me, pulling me into a rushed embrace.
"Bella, we were so worried!" She cried, hugging me even tighter.
Hearing the sincerity in her voice, I hugged Esme back. Guilt throbbed from my insides. I had never expected them to follow me or to worry for my well being.
But pulling away and seeing Esme's expression, I had to admit the genuineness of her concern. She had been worried.
I should have expected it. They were all too good.
Carlisle approached from behind Esme, his smile radiating the same relief Esme's had. He placed his hand on her shoulder, giving me a small nod.
"Yes, we're very happy you're alright, Bella. You gave us a healthy scare."
More guilt and shame battled inside of me. "I'm sorry, I-"
"We know." Esme said, reaching her hand up to stroke my cheek.
"Bella, can we talk inside?" Carlisle asked, his hand stretched out to the front door of the house.
I nodded and let him and the others lead the way inside the house.
…
The Cullen's house was exactly the same, not a detail out of place since the last time I had been there. I had expected all of their furniture to be covered in white sheets, maybe a thin layer of dust coating some furniture, but the house looked as polished and lived in as ever.
Further inside, I could smell the mixtures of cleaning products recently used. I took a small bit of comfort from that, knowing they hadn't been here all along.
Making our way into the dining room, my stomach lurched thinking about the last time I had sat down with Esme and Carlisle in the cabin. How foolish I had been, thinking I could join them in Alaska.
I watched as Jasper pulled out a seat for Alice and grabbed her hand below the table. I envied their adoration for each other. Jasper and Alice would always have each other. They could depend on each other, lean on each other for support. There was an unconditional vow between the two of them, one that never needed spoken aloud. They were partners.
They would never be lonely.
I took the seat across from Alice, leaving a few empty chairs between myself and the others. I knew how this conversation would play out. They would be disappointed, they would want to set up firmer boundaries, and we would be leaving Forks as soon as possible.
I hated doing this to them, again.
"I'm so sorry, about running off on the way to Alaska-" I started.
Esme cut me off, "Bella, no. You have nothing to apologize for."
Carlisle nodded his head as he placed his hand over his wife's. "You showed considerable strength by not harming that human, Bella. I have never seen a newborn with such composure before. Especially with exposed blood. Not many vampires of any age could normally handle such a temptation," he added.
I kept my head bent down to the table in shame. Esme and Carlisle, always too kind.
"Bella," Alice reached her hand across the table to touch mine, "It's okay. We've all had some mess ups before and yours was hardly even that. I saw you stand over that man and choose to run away. You're stronger than all of us." Alice squeezed my hand.
Quiet for a few moments, Carlisle cleared his throat. "Speaking of Alice's visions," Carlisle turned his head to Alice. "I believe you had some things you wanted to clear up with Bella?"
Alice's face dropped as she pulled her hand away from mine. Jasper squeezed Alice's knee below the table, encouraging her to go on. She wouldn't look at me.
"Bella, I am so sorry. I swear, I was looking for you after we left. I saw nothing of your accident. If I had I would have called, I would have made sure it never would have happened. But the first vision I had of you was in Volterra, with the Volturi, and I didn't see that until Carlisle had already entered their chambers. I couldn't even see you arriving in Forks, I only knew where you would end up."
"In the cemetery," I said.
"In the cemetery," she murmured.
"So… what, you can't see visions of me anymore?" I asked.
"No, I- I don't know what it is. I could see you run away from Carlisle and Esme, but only after the hiker had decided to camp on that ledge. I just couldn't get to Carlise and Esme soon enough to warn them."
"And you knew I would be in the cemetery today."
"Yes, but how you got there? I didn't know until we found the wolves and-"
I jumped to my feet.
"You ran into the wolves? Did they hurt you?!"
Everyone stood at once. Alice ran to the other side of the table and grabbed my arm, gently tugging me to sit back down. Taking the empty seat next to me she folded both of my hands between hers.
"No, no, Bella. Of course not! They didn't hurt us, we have a treaty with them. They won't hurt you-"
"You're wrong," my voice broke, recalling the weight of the wolf's paw on my chest. "The treaty means nothing to them! They attacked me and I barely-"
Carlisle interjected this time. "Bella, what are you talking about?"
"The wolves! They were chasing me through the woods, they nearly killed me! If it wasn't for one wolf in particular I would be dead right now."
Esme looked horrified. "Carlisle, you spoke with the Quileutes. I thought-"
"I did," Carlisle sighed, "I have no idea why they attacked Bella. It goes against the treaty, a treaty they assured me was still intact."
Jasper leaned forward with his hands clasped and started to say something. But before he could get his first word out, Alice snapped her head to his direction.
"Don't you dare suggest that," she scorned him.
"I'm not saying that's what I think, but are we sure the muts understand that?"
"Of course they do!" Alice yelled. "How could they not! Why wouldn't-"
"Alice," Carlisle stopped her, "let Jasper speak."
Alice folded her arms across her chest, letting out an angry breath of air.
Still looking at Alice, Jasper tilted his head to try and soften her expression. "All I was going to ask was if we're sure Bella falls under the protection of the treaty."
Esme gasped. "Of course Bella does!"
Jasper flexed his fingers, frustrated. "I know. But does the Quileute tribe believe the same?"
"I explained the situation to them very clearly," Carlisle said. "But Jasper does have a point, the Quileutes may not think-"
"Wait-" I couldn't hold back any longer. "The Quileutes? You mean Jacob's tribe? What do they have to do with anything?"
Everyone looked to Carlisle.
"Bella," Carlisle's words slowed. "Do you remember the legend Jacob shared with you? Before you and-"
"Yes. I remember."
"So then you remember that there is an agreement between our family and the Quileutes."
Straining to recall every word of Jacob's story, I hesitated. "He told me that you agreed to stay off of his tribe's land, otherwise they would expose who you are to humans..."
Carlisle nodded for me to continue.
"But it was a long time ago, his great-grandfather, the chief, Jacob said-"
Jacob said they descended from wolves.
"No- it can't be, Jacob-"
The Cullens gave me a few moments to sit with my realization.
The Quileutes are werewolves.
"Does that mean-"
Carlisle answered before I could finish. "Yes, I believe so."
I gripped the table to keep myself from falling off my chair. I didn't need the confirmation from them. Jacob had been the one to save my life today. It had been him.
"Bella, we contacted the Quileutes as soon as we figured out you were going to Forks. They were only supposed to keep an eye on you and keep you away from any humans. I promise, if we had known-"
"They broke the treaty!" Alice yelled.
"Well, Alice, we technically broke it first." Carlisle said.
"But they agreed it was still intact? You said they understood why you had to change her." Jasper added.
"They did, and they said they understood. The Blacks were very relieved to hear that Bella was alive. Apparently the wolves had had their own run in with the Volturi the day Bella went missing. When they found her truck and no one could locate her body… well, they feared the worst."
"Then I don't understand, why would they attack Bella?" Alice asked.
"It's possible that the rest of the tribe did not have the same reaction to Bella's transformation as the Blacks did." Carlisle said.
"And if Sam doesn't believe Bella falls under the treaty…"
"Jasper," Esme snapped, "that will be the last I hear of that talk."
An awkward silence plagued the room. I looked between all the Cullens, waiting for an explanation.
"Jasper, what do you mean?" I asked.
Jasper took a deep breath and looked down to Alice for approval. His gaze was met with stern displeasure as she crossed her arms.
Carlisle answered to save him.
"Bella, I think what Jasper is implying is that our treaty was created specifically for the Quileute Tribe and our family."
Oh.
And I'm not a Cullen.
Elbows on the table, I rested my forehead against my palms and shut my eyes.
"But of course you are part of this family as much as any other member!" Esme's voice was shaking. "Bella, we all love you so dearly. You are a Cullen in every way that matters."
Not missing a beat, Alice squeezed tighter on my arm.
"Bella, Esme is right. We all love you, all of us. Even the ones who aren't here. Bella, I can't tell you how sorry I am for what you had to go through with the Volturi. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about gaining you in this life. I understood your reasons, but we were all so heartbroken when you asked us to leave-"
My head snapped up to her.
"What?"
Alice's eyes grew twice their size, looking to her family for help.
"Well, it's just- I mean- we tried to respect your wishes when Edw-"
"What are you talking about?" I could hear my voice rising, hurt and anger beginning to boil in my throat.
Flustered and confused, Alice couldn't find the right words.
Carlisle spoke next. "Bella, we were told that you asked for us to leave Forks. It was our understanding that you didn't feel safe with our presence anymore and that you no longer wanted any contact from us. And after what had happened at your birthday… well we didn't feel we had the right to try and convince you otherwise."
My mouth fell open. I couldn't help but stare at Carlisle, trying to filter all of the thoughts racing through my mind. When I eventually spoke, my voice came out as a cry.
"I never said that! I never wanted for you all to leave! I begged him-"
"What!" The ledge of the table beneath Alice snapped.
"He told me that I was a risk to your exposure, that I didn't belong in your world! He told me he didn't want me to come, that I wasn't good for him, he-"
"No," Esme moved to the other empty seat by my side and placed both her palms on my leg. "No, Bella, of course not none of that is true! We were only doing what we thought you wanted. We never would have left if-"
"If he hadn't lied to us!" Alice spat. "Always with the self sacrificing when no one ever asks for him to-"
Abruptly, Alice's words tapered off and she sat back against her chair, eyes clouded. Jasper stiffened and reached across the table to hold Alice's hand.
On the other side of the table, Carlisle's eyes were shut, his fingers pressed firmly on his temples. He looked as I would expect any disappointed father to appear.
They really hadn't known.
They never left me.
Suddenly, everything clicked. The way Esme and Carlisle had acted at the Cabin, the unspoken words between their sentences- they thought I didn't want to be around them. And then Carlisle was forced to change me, after they thought I had asked them to leave to prevent that very thing! No wonder Esme and Carlisle had tried to give me so much space, why they were always so careful with their words. They thought I was the one who didn't want them.
And all this time I thought it was the other way around.
Taking in a deep breath, I tried to let some of the calm that Jasper was pulsing through the room take effect. No one was speaking, only the five of us grappling with the information we had just unearthed to each other.
The five of us…
Wait-
I counted the chairs around the table.
Eight. Eight chairs.
If I could have cried, I would have. The ache that had existed inside of me since their departure lessened. For the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe a real breath of air. The hole felt smaller.
They didn't leave me.
Esme broke my train of thought. "Bella, we are so sorry, if we had known-"
"Well how could we have known?" Alice grumbled, a bit calmer than she was before. "We completely uprooted everything we had here and now we barely hear from him! We've spoken to him, what, twice since last September? And one of those times only when he thought Bella was dead!"
"Alice, it's obvious your brother has made some poor choices. He's not what's important right now," Carlisle said. "Bella, I would like to make it very clear that you are a member of this family. Regardless of your relationship with my son, you are a Cullen in whatever capacity you wish to be. Both Esme and I already think of you as our daughter, and it would cause us great pain to think you believe otherwise."
"Bella, we want you to be with us," Esme added. "I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I promise you we only did what we thought you wanted. We should have gone to you, but after your birthday we were so-"
"I know, it's okay. I understand."
Esme reached up to stroke my cheek. Tucking a thin strand of hair behind my ear, she gently squeezed the back of my neck.
The loud screech of Alice's chair echoing in the dining room, Alice pulled out her phone dialing a number faster than her phone could register.
"Alice, it's no use." Carlisle said.
"He's evading my visions. I never know what he's doing until the last minute. He doesn't even know Bella is alive!"
"That's why Rosalie and Emmett are looking for him now. There's nothing that can be done in this moment."
Alice let out a harsh breath.
"I need some air."
Giving me a small and sympathetic nod, I watched as Jasper followed Alice upstairs to the balcony of their shared room.
"I think Alice may have the right idea. Maybe it's time to take a break for the evening. Bella, are you alright?"
"Yes, thank you Carlisle."
Carlisle brushed passed Emse kissing her gently on the top of her head before stopping in the doorway to the hall.
"I don't have my Jane Austen copies here, but I do have some original Charlotte Brontë's somewhere in my study. Let me know if you'd like to read them, Bella." And at my faint smile, Carlisle left to go to his study.
In comfortable silence, Esme and I sat for the rest of the evening outside on the Cullen's back patio. A single breeze moving through the trees, I breathed in the damp and cold air in solace.
The pain from his departure and absence still hurt. The hole that he had created and left me with, I didn't think it would ever go away. But tonight, the hole became smaller. Tiny threads pulled inside of me and lessened the pain I had been carrying all this time. I could look at the Cullens without so much ache as before.
I felt as though I could let myself love them again.
After nearly an hour under the faint glow of the moon, Esme moved to take the seat next to me on the steps. Pulling me to her shoulder, I rested my head against hers and allowed myself to be held.
"You've had a long and eventful day"
I gave her a short laugh. "To say the least, I think."
"This life, it can be so painful. Watching your loved ones grow old, never being able to grow old with them… 50 years can pass by like the blink of an eye and you have no idea where the time went. New technologies, new governments, new everything… and one day not a single person from your human life will breathe the same air as you anymore. It can be very lonely."
Esme ran her fingers gently down my arm, pausing to choose her words carefully.
"Bella, if you choose to move on from here we will all understand. We will miss you terribly, but you will always have a home with us. This life can be painful but it doesn't have to be. We are here for you to help you and it wouldn't be the same without you here."
My throat burned, not from thirst but from heartbreak. It was several moments before I could answer in broken whispers.
"Esme, I love you all but I don't know if I can stay. I don't know if I can see-"
Esme cut me off. "I know it means nothing coming from me, but you shouldn't believe a single word he said to you. My son, well, you know, he's always put a great deal of importance toward the notion of the human soul. And while I don't disagree with his idea of its presence, I have to disagree with his logic of its existence in this life of ours. Seeing the two of you together last year? It awakened his. And one day, when he sees you again, he will know for certain that all this time he'd been wrong. There is not a trace of your soul that was lost to your human life. You are as beautiful, smart, and strong as you were when you were a human."
Pulling away to meet Esme's eyes, I wrapped my arms around her neck to embrace her.
"Thank you." I spoke, muffled into her soft hair.
"My son has always been a bit… dramatic. He thinks he has to sacrifice everything in order for others to be happy. It doesn't make it right, but I hope one day the two of you can reconcile. You made each other so happy."
Against my better judgement I chose not to argue. Esme's words were filled with hope that I didn't want to take away from her.
And hope I secretly grasped onto.
I remained outside for the rest of the night. I watched the moon move through the sky and brush the tips of the forest with its glow. Lying still, eyes closed, it was as close to sleep as I could get. At some point, Alice joined me and laid next to me, her breathing giving a calming rhythm to the echoed sounds of the woods.
But eventually, pools of orange and pink blended into the horizon and the curve of the sun peaked above the treeline. I looked over at Alice, her exposed skin glistening like thousands of diamonds. I reached up my hand to compare.
The same.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"I've tried to be very patient, but can I please put you in different clothes now? These need to be burned. You're torturing me."
Laughing, I sat up and mockingly pulled at my tattered shirt.
"Alice, these are Esme's clothes!"
"Yes! From a few decades ago. And they're dirty and torn and horrible to look at now. Come on, I have plenty of outfits upstairs that will fit you!"
Letting Alice pull me to my feet, I sighed in agreement and started walking toward the house.
Taking in my last breath of the cool morning air, I stopped at the doorstep.
"Wait- Alice? Do you smell that?" I asked.
But when I looked over to Alice, she was already facing the woods.
And then emerged the wolves.
A/N: I never liked Meyer's explanation for why Jasper's ability wasn't blocked by Bella so for the purposes of this story I am ignoring her logic... Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!