Everywhere he looked he could see nothing but destruction. The walls and halls that he once called home were in shatters. The caste that was home to hundreds of others like him now a giant graveyard. Bodies lined the great hall and there were tears. Enough to drown him three times over. And heartbreak to last him a life time. So many lives and limbs lost. So many lives upturned and uprooted.
People stuck together in groups. Families and Friends holding on to each other with everything they had. They have all lost so many that every single one left counted. He could see them all being anchored and being an anchor for someone they loved. Everyone of them. Everyone except him. Not that he deserved it mind you. He knew it very well.
Why would anyone want to anchor him when he held the sole responsibility for bringing this destruction upon them. So many time he had to escape with his life intact so that someone else can lose it in his place. His parents, Cedric, Sirius, Dobby, Tonks, Remus, Fred. They all deserved to live wholesome lives.
He should have died with his parents. Or sometime after that would have been good. But then he cannot really complain for he'd done his ob. He had killed the lunatic who called himself the Dark Lord. He had fulfilled the prophesy and was done with his purpose in life. He just wished it didn't have to come at this cost. But it's done and he had done it. So there is that.
He looked around the great hall and his eyes locked on to a group of red heads. He was not looking for the fiesty young red head as many would assume. No what or perhaps whom he was looking for stood out the very instant he looked at the group. Her chocolate brown tresses a mess atop her head in a messy bun held together by her wand. There were a few cuts that framed her delicate face and she was covered head to toe in grime and dust.
What stood out the most was her radiant smile. It amazed him that she could still smile like that.
He thanked the gods above and below that she still did.
He thanked them for letting her live and keeping her safe.
He thanked them for her existence in his life and for her huge heart.
He thanked them for the light she brought and for her willingness to share it with him.
And as he looked at her the thought that he has been suppressing every minute for the past 2 or so years took root again.
He was so screwed.
Why you may ask. He loved her. No he was pretty sure he was in love. And how could he not given just how precious she was to him and to their world.
But why was he screwed you ask. The reason for that had his hands around her waist as she smiled that smile that had the answers for all his prayers. He had too fall for the girl that was in love with his best friend didn't he? Rotten luck seemed to follow him around all the time.
Now that his purpose was done he could offer himself the space to think about just when he had fallen for his female best friend. And he think it has always been her. He has never been as lost as he had been when she had been petrified their second year. Those were the darkest days of his short life and that is including the days they went horcrux hunting. That has to count for something right?
And when she'd been cured she ran right into his arms in front of the whole great hall and he never wanted to let her go. And third year when she went against every morale fiber in her body and broke a couple hundred laws by going back in time and free his innocent godfather. He thinks he knew then just what he'd be if it weren't for her. And when her arms wrapped themselves around him as they flew on buckbeak he felt something in him heal that he didn't even know was broken.
Fourth year happened and with it the Triwizard Tournament. She stuck by him no matter who said what. And he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy having all her attention on him all the time. And then he just had to get himself infatuated with Cho Chang. The asian girl was pretty but she could never measure up to Hermione which was proved the following year when he left her on their Valentine's Day Date halfway through to go meet Hermione. Fourth year came to an end and with it the life of Cedric Diggory at the hands of Voldemort.
The summer that followed was one of the worst. He spent his time wallowing in guilt and missing Hermione. And when he got to know she was staying with the Weasleys and spent all her time with Ron, a rage like no other took root in him. He had screamed his head off when he'd been brought to the head quarters of the Order of the Phoenix, And to add salt to the injury Ron had been made perfect alongside Hermione. He'd never felt more lonely
And he'd took it out on them. He'd been insufferable and awful to be around the fifth year. And Umbridge hadn't certainly helped matters. But Hermione had still stuck by him. She'd helped him set up the DA and taken great precautions to make sure they didn't get caught. Ron was right when he called her 'Brilliant but Scary'. And she'd followed him to the MOM despite her being against the idea. And not only had he gotten her gravely injured, he'd also gotten his beloved godfather killed. If only he'd listened to her, But No he just had to have things his way didn't he?
Another awful summer followed and it set in course the pattern for the year that followed. First Hermione didn't believe him when he relayed his doubts on Draco getting the Dark Mark and then he had to stand by and watch her pine for Ron. By then he was sure he was in love with her. His heart had right about stopped when she went down during the fight in MOM. It was only Neville telling him she had a pulse that had kept him going.
He came too close to losing her and it put to light just how important she was to him. She was everything he has ever wanted. She was the reason he kept going. Over the years she has somehow managed to become the sole reason for his survival. He'd been hoping to coming open with his feeling when she'd started expressing interest in his best friend.
It had just about killed him to watch her rant and rave about Ron and Lavender's Relationship. But he'd played the role of the perfect best friend and given her a shoulder to cry on. And she'd grown steadily hostile towards him over the year that he finally couldn't bear it anymore. He'd tried to bury his feelings for her and turned his attentions towards Ginny. The passionate re head had welcomed his advances and affection and he'd gotten himself used to the petty routine to try and get over his feelings for Hermione.
And then the unthinkable had to happen and Albus Dumbledore had been killed at the hands of Severus Snape right before his eyes. The war became very much a reality after that. He didn't have the energy to keep up pretenses any more and had broken up with Ginny.
Ginerva Molly Weasley was a very bright girl, thank you very much. And as she looked across the hall at the boy, no man that she once believed to be the love of her life, she felt her heart ache for him. She'd known right from the beginning that his heart would never be hers. He'd tried very hard, she'd give him that. But she had been counting the days for weeks now. And when he'd ended it she held no hope that he'd come back to her with his heart on a platter. She just wished that he'd be selfish and go after his heart for once. But the Weasleys always put family before anything. And she knew Harry's and Ron's Happiness were mutually exclusive. As they both belonged to one Hermione Jean Granger, best friend to both the boys. She just hoped that all three of them found a way to come out of this unscathed.
Back inside Harry's mind he was thinking about the Horcrux Hunt. He had given up on burying his feelings and let it consume him without her knowing. And he can safely say she had no idea for it had felt like his heart had been wrapped around a thorn bush when he had to watch Hermione fall for Ron and then cry after him when he'd abandoned them. He'd come back eventually and all was peachy in planet paradise. Only he didn't belong in there. And then they'd gotten captured and Hermione tortured. He'd been paralyzed when he listened to her screams and they still haunted his nightmares.
But then they'd escaped and they had had to bury Dobby and when he looked around it killed him a little more to watch the woman he was in love with find solace in the arms of his best friend. But he'd sucked it up and went on about the quest and here they were. A dark lord slayed and his horcruxes destroyed.
And as he looked on his gaze settled on his Red haired best friend. He'd always known Ron was a jealous bastard. But Harry could not help but be jealous as he looked at Ron now. What had he said? Yes Harry had everything, did he? There he was standing alone with no real tether to the world as Ron sat surrounded by people that loved him to bits. And as he watched on he saw Ron turn towards Hermione and pull her into a kiss. He had to close his eyes against the pain incase his heart decided to bleed out of his eyes.
A rage that was now very much familiar to him took root in him and disappeared as soon as it happened. What right did he have to be mad and angry. He was a weapon. That was all he was. A means to an end. And he'd served his purpose. He had no business hoping for love and affection from people whose lives he'd destroyed. He had to get out of here. He has done his part. His job was done. He didn't want to stick around and say or do something that could cause anyone anymore pain. He needed to leave.
But before he left he had one last thing he needed to do. He pulled his invisibility cloak out of his robes and donned it on. And he moved closer to the group of red heads. He came to stand a few feet in front of Hermione and drank in her image. He wanted to memorize every aspect of her face and voice as she conversed with the people around her. And he dared himself to move a lot closer to her and take a whiff of her smell. He thought he saw her stiffen but that might be his imagination. He breather in her smell to last him a life time and that healed and broke something in him at the same time.
No girl could measure up to Hermione in his eyes, Not Cho and certainly not Ginny
And then he turned around and walked away from the only place and person he ever dared to find a home with. And he didn't look back. He walked out the door, across the grounds and out of the gates before he apparated away.
If only he'd looked back he'd have seen a brown haired girl running out the door with tears streaming down her eyes. But he didn't.
Just outside the castle gates stood Hermione crying her eyes out looking for the world like she's lost her will to live. And in a sense she had even though she didn't know it.
"Hermione!" yelled Ron, her boyfriend of 2 hours as he came up behind her.
"What's wrong?"
"Harry.."
"Harry? Where is he? Did you see him? Everyone's been looking for him."
"I don't know. I just feel so lonely..."
"Oh Hermione! I'm right here. Come on let's head inside. Mum is probably going spare by now. And don't worry about Harry. It's Harry we are talking about. He'll be fine."
Hermione for some reason wanted to snap at Ron but she kept quiet as she scored the great hall for her best friend. And when she didn't find him a harry shaped void took shape in her heart and threatened to swallow her whole.
"Have you guys seen Harry?" she heard Ron ask his siblings.
"Yeah he was standing near the end of the Hufflepuff table a while ago" answered Ginny. "Why is everything okay?"
"Yeah just asking. Come on Hermione let's go eat and then we can go look for Harry. He's gotta be around here somewhere."
She almost went along with his suggestion before a thought took root in her mind,
'Harry would not stop to eat if he knew she was missing'.
"No Ron. You go on ahead. I am going to go look for him." she said as she walked away.
She could feel Ron's stare on her as she walked out of the great hall but she couldn't care less. Harry. She needed to see Harry. She needed to see for her own eyes that he was fine. She scored through the halls and grounds before she finally wound up in his Dorm Room. There on his bed lay the moleskin pouch that Hagrid had gifted Harry. That gave her some hope. If his things were still here he couldn't have gone far, now could he? She tried the pouch and could not find anything of importance until she came across a piece of parchment that gave her hope.
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good" she said as she laid her wand to the Marauder's Map.
The Map came to life and she looked through every inch of it to come up empty. Tears welled up in her eyes as she finally found the reason for the emptiness that shook her heart. Harry was gone. He'd left and he'd left her behind. Of course she should have known. Losing everything he held dear would have killed him on the inside. And she would have if she'd been there for him like he'd been there all these years. But she'd been too wrapped up in her budding romance with Ronald that she'd neglected her other friend. The one that had never hurt or left her.
She felt sick to her stomach and the world spun before her eyes as she steadied herself with the bed post of his bed. Tears continued to stream down her eyes as she realized she'd let Harry down yet again. It broke her heart to know he'd fled and he didn't even want to say goodbye. He probably thought I wouldn't even notice.
'Would you have though? Aren't you a little too busy playing the perfect little girlfriend for Ronald Weasley to notice Harry falling apart?' a voice spoke inside her mind.
'I'd never put my Romance before Harry ever!' she thought fiercely but even she could see that she didn't sound all that sure.
'Wouldn't you though? Isn't that what you did all this time? Didn't even notice him leaving until after he had left? He'd lost everything and everyone to the war and you left him alone to what? To play Ron's girlfriend and become the perfect little wife?'
'You don't know what you are talking about!' she thought.
'Don't I?' the voice mocked and then fell silent.
'What was she doing?' she thought to herself. How could she have been so stupid and selfish. Sure Ron had been sweet about the house elves and she'd been very pleased by his concern that she'd kissed him out of impulse. But the moment she kissed him she knew it was wrong. It just didn't feel right. But she kept quiet as they were in the middle of a battle. But then Harry had killed Voldemort and Ron had been showering his attention on her and like a silly little girl she'd indulged him and lost track of her priorities. She had had a crush on Ron but she also knew she couldn't completely trust him to stay. Not after he'd left them in the middle of nowhere for a warm bed and food.
Like a proverbial slap to the face it occurred to her. Harry had seen it. He'd seen her bask in Ron's attention and decided she didn't care. She'd known Harry didn't trust Ron. Not really. Sure he'd taken him in again but things had never been the same. And the more she advocated Ron's case to Harry the more he pulled away from her. Oh God. Harry didn't trust Ron. And by involving herself with ron she'd lost Harry's trust. He'd left because he truly believe he had no one left. How could she have been so selfish?
Harry the boy that had jumped on a troll's back to save her when they were eleven years old. The boy that had stayed by her bed day and night when she'd been petrified. The boy she'd broken the laws of time for. The boy that had been her friend and proved his loyalty over and over again by staying with her no matter what she put him through. And when she thought back over the years she saw something she had missed all along. It was Harry she could not live without. But then what was she doing with Ron?
She knew the answer to that as well. She can starkly remember a time when she'd found herself falling for Harry. But then the prophesy came to light and that brilliant mind of hers that had been her saving grace had become the bane of her existence. She'd worked out her heart like it was a logistics problem and drew a conclusion that would save her heart at the end. With a future so uncertain she could not let herself fall for him. So she'd come to the logical conclusion and turned her affection towards Ron and hoped that she'd fall for him. And she'd used the prince's book as an excuse to distance herself from Harry which had worked wonders. It broke her heart to watch the light go out of Harry's eyes every time she chastised him. But it had to be done and then it seemed like Harry had finally taken the hint. He'd left her alone and she realized she didn't like the feeling. And she had to watch Ginny be everything she wanted to be to Harry and it only broke her heart further. But then Dumbledore had died and Harry and Ginny had broken up. And ashamed as she was to say it, it was the lightest she had felt in ages. But throughout it all and for everything that followed never once did Harry stray away from her nor did he hold anything against her. But what had she done? She'd made him feel so unwanted and unloved that he felt like he had to leave. Oh God what had she done? This she knew was all on her as she knew better than anyone that if there was one thing that could have kept him here he would have stayed. The fact that he didn't spoke for itself on how far she'd hurt him.
With this realization came a new realization that Harry truly believed he had no one which meant that she'd succeeded in her mission to distance herself from him. But instead of feeling triumph all she felt was utter despair when she realized that logics did not apply to the matters of heart.
A new bout of pain took root inside her heart as she understood that in trying to unsuccessfully save her heart not only had she broken it herself but she had also succeeded in chasing away the one man that she knew she couldn't live without. A sob escaped her as she let herself fall on his bed and his smell calmed her immediately.
How the hell could she have thought she'd be able to go on without this? She needed Harry like she needed air and water. She'd not be able to go on without him for she wouldn't know how to if not for him. She needed him because he had her heart. She needed him because her life lives in his eyes. She thought of his smile and felt a shiver run down her spine. She was a fool if she ever thought she could unlove Harry Potter. He was everything and without him nothing made sense. She needed to go to him. Because he was home and her place was right by his side.
With a renewed determination that had saved all their asses more times than she could count she sat up in his bed and repacked the pouch. Just as she stood up to leave Ron entered the dorm and locked the door behind him.
"There you are! I've been looking all over for you! Come lay down I just want to spend sometime alone with you without everyone else asking for our attention" he said as he walked over to his bed and lay down with his arms open and an expectant look in his face.
"Ron.. I'm sorry but I don't think this is going to work out"
"What? But we kissed.. and I thought.."
"Yes we kissed. But Ron I don't think I feel that way about you.."
"But Hermione you got so jealous when I was with Lavender and Harry said you cried for me the whole time I was gone.."
"Harry said what? When?"
"Shortly after we destroyed the locket. He said he'd been trying to make you feel better but he couldn't. That I was the only one that could make you happy and that it hurt him to see you that way. He warned me that if I ever hurt you like that ever again he'd kill me and nobody will find my body."
She took a deep breath as she let herself digest the new information. Sure she'd cried a lot on the days that followed Ron's abandonment. But she cried for the loss of her life as she knew it. She'd sent her parents away and of the only two friendships she'd made one she knew to be uncertain and at times it really did feel like Ron was all she had left. He was a tether to the life she had before the war happened and she was mourning. But she forgot to take into account what it would look like to Harry. No wonder he thought she would not care if he left.
"Hermione.." Ron's voice sounded closer and broke her out of her thoughts.
"Sorry Ron. I know this does not make any sense but I don't feel that way about you. You are a good guy Ron but I can never give you my heart because I have already given it away. It is not fair to either of us to stay in this relationship."
She'd said it all in one breath and without looking at his face. And when she dared to look into his face she was only mildly surprised to see rage and jealousy fighting for dominance.
"IT'S HIM ISN'T IT? IT'S POTTER. OF COURSE. HE GETS EVERYTHING. THE MONEY, FAME, ALL THE GIRLS THAT THROW THEMSELVES AT HIM AND HE WANTS WHAT IS MINE!"
And once again Hermione was witness to just how petty Ron can be and mentally gagged for ever thinking he could be it for her.
"He gets all of it, does he Ron? Do you know he'd give it all up in a second if he thought he could have what you have? A family? But no you'll never get over this will you? 'Boo Hoo I'm Ronal Weasley, side kick to Harry Potter and nobody gives me any attention.' If you want attention Ron do something to deserve it other than whining about it. But I don't have the time nor energy to sit here and make you feel better about yourself. You were a good friend once Ron and if you can find it in yourself to get over this jealousy and pettiness maybe we can be friends again one day."
With that being said she picked up the moleskin pouch and walked out the dorms, the castle doors and the gates without looking back. Only once out of the Hogwarts grounds did she stop to think about just where could Harry have gone. Privet Drive was out of the question as he'd sworn to never step back in there when he finally got to leave. Grimmauld place may be. But then again the place didn't hold any pleasant memories to him. Godric's Hollow Maybe? Or maybe the Leaky Cauldron? Gringotts? But then those are all places he would easily be spotted in.
Think Hermione! Think! Harry should have left because he felt unwanted. He's never been wanted in his life before and this must have been a heavy blow after all that he had done for the magical world. Her heart broke for him when she remember hearing Harry say his godfather was the only person who ever wanted him. Wait! Godfather! Harry was Teddy's Godfather. Teddy who was now an Orphan of War. Just like Harry was. And if she knew Harry like she thought she knew him she'd bet he would do everything in his power to make sure Teddy had everything he wished he had while growing up. Harry would realize Teddy needed him. What he didn't know was that Teddy was not the only one who needed him. And she was not going to rest until he knew just how much she needed him as well.
Her mind made up she apparated herself to the Tonks' house. Before her stood a three-story grey brick house with a front porch swing and a cozy couch upon which sat a woman that resembled Bellatrix Lestrange very much. The only difference was that laugh lines covered the woman's face whose eyes spoke volumes of strength and kindness as they looked upon her.
"If you are who I think you are, better get inside and convince that man of yours why eloping with Teddy into the muggle world is not the best of his ideas. I'm going to go take my grandson for a walk and then go visit my partially sane sister and give you both sometime to clear up your messes".
With that said the woman she thought to be Andromeda Tonks walked inside the house with a grace that made her doubt how she could have ever birthed the Clumsiest Clown that was Nymphadora Tonks. Sorry Tonks! But then Andromeda came back out with a magical stroller inside which she could hardly make out a tiny face with neon blue hair on top.
"Go on in. He is starting to mope" and the Andromeda had disappeared down the lane.
Hermione paced herself and opened the door to go and have what she knew to be the most important conversation of her short short life. She entered the house and closed the door behind herself. And felt a sense of peace settle over her. Knowing Harry was somewhere in the vicinity in itself gave her a sense of belonging. Oh the things that boy did to her heart!
As if her thoughts had conjured him up he showed up at the entryway, "Andi did you forget something? I thought you…. Mione?" he breathed and stood there gawking.
Not that she was any better. Sure she'd known he looked nice and had gotten quite a few eyefuls of his naked chest when they lived together in the tent. But she'd never gotten the opportunity to admire him this way. And honestly he had no business looking so delicious after putting her through all that he did today. And that's when her rage broke free.
She advanced on him and was in his face before he could get his wits about him.
"Who the hell do you think you are? Poke. How dare you? Poke. What were you thinking? Poke. How could you leave? Poke. What were you playing at?"
Hard. SLAP. "That was for leaving me behind."
And then she pounced latching on to his hair with one hand while the other caressed the cheek that she just slapped. She pulled him closer and looked into his eyes as she said,
"And this is for making me fall so irrevocably in love with you Harry James Potter!"
And she kissed him like she's never kissed anyone before. There were fireworks and color bursts and all the cliches her books have told her about because Harry was kissing her back and goddamn it if it wasn't the most beautiful thing she has ever felt. He was a drug she could already tell she'd be addicted to forever. And she had no problems doing just that.
But first… PAYBACK!
She pulled away from his mouth with a very audible pop and was more than pleased to see the dazed look on his face. She Hermione Plain Granger, Hogwart's resident book form did that to Harry Freaking Potter, the Saviour of the Wizarding World.
"Whaa..?" Seemed like she wasn't the only one with misfired neurons causing havoc.
He looked so adorably confused as he kept looking at her with his half crazed eyes, mussed hair and thoroughly kissed lips. And it would have been very easy to give into the temptation and ravage him within an inch of his life. But that would be too easy would it not?
Payback is Payback after all.
She broke free of his hold and adjusted her Tshirt. How had he managed to roll it up that far already?
Pshh! PAYBACK!
"You wanted to leave right? Well I've said my piece. You can go wherever you want."
He looked absolutely gobsmacked as he stared at her turn around and walkaway and she added a bit of a sway to her hips just to add some incentive.
"Me on the other hand, I think I'm gonna go back to Hogwarts and see if Ron mphhh.."
That was as far as she got before Harry continued rob her of her breath and thoughts by kissing her life source out of her and she gladly let him.
And when he finally broke away to let her breathe the look in his eyes and the husk in his voice were that of a man possessed as he said "You are not going anywhere Granger. You are finally mine and there is no way in hell I'm letting you get away this time."
With that being said he proceeded to show her just how much of her he did possess and why she should never have kissed another man.
Well he said it. She's not getting away. And for some reason that was just fine with her.