One Year Later
"I want to state categorically at the outset of this meeting that it never happened," said Dr. Joan Leland, looking across her desk sternly at the four inmates in front of her. "This is not something I have ever heard about, or have ever been involved with."
"Plausible deniability, good plan, Doc," said the Joker, nodding. "Have you ever considered working for the US government? Or even running for president?"
"You don't think I have to deal with enough lunatics without becoming involved in the government?" asked Dr. Leland. "I'd rather be in charge of Arkham than that, believe me. And I'd rather not be involved in this at all, but it's causing an issue here, and I've always believed the best way to deal with issues is head on. So why don't you start from the beginning, Joker?" she sighed, picking up her pen.
"If you want plausible deniability, you really shouldn't be writing stuff down," spoke up Two-Face.
"I'll burn it afterward, just like I'm sure I'll want to burn this story from my memory," sighed Dr. Leland. "But I like to take notes to collect my thoughts. Go ahead, Joker."
"Ok, so when Harley and I first got together, we used her office as our location for romance," said Joker. "It was nice and private so nobody could see what we were getting up to, which was essential at the time since it would have got her fired, and spoiled the joke. I gotta say, I still miss the old therapy couch. It was surprisingly comfortable, and even the desk wasn't too bad…"
"Maybe not for you, but it was hell on my back, puddin'," interjected Harley. "Puddin' isn't a gentle man at the best of times, and tenderness isn't something he's particularly concerned with when he's in the mood. It's really the more pain the better, which I really enjoy, I ain't gonna lie…"
"Too much information," muttered Poison Ivy, who had her arms folded across her chest. "And none of this is relevant to the discussion at hand. We're not here to hear Harley gush about the Joker as usual."
"Yes, please just continue, Joker, with minimal necessary details so I can still sleep at night," sighed Dr. Leland.
"Well, once she got put in here as a patient, Harley didn't have an office anymore, so we decided to use the janitor's closet as our location for romance," continued Joker. "It's the only place you can get any privacy in this dump, what with the cells having bars or giant sheets of glass so we're constantly monitored. And all the offices have security cameras in them thanks to me and Harley. And sometimes you don't want privacy, of course – sometimes it's more fun to horrify everyone in here, but sometimes you do."
"Yeah, and when we do, we wanna use our closet," agreed Harley, nodding. "It is our closet - we've used it since practically the beginning of our relationship."
"Practically being the key word," spoke up Two-Face. "Pammie and I also sometimes need some privacy, and J's right in that the janitor's closet is the only place in this dump that has any. It's not fair that they think it's reserved only for them, and just come barging in when you're in the middle of things. Also, it would be nice if they wiped things down – it is a janitor's closet, after all, and there are plenty of cleaning supplies in there."
"If you don't get the hint that we don't want you in there by leaving behind things that'll scare you away, then I don't know what to tell you," retorted Joker.
"It's not like we actually want to take their closet," commented Ivy. "Personally if I think about what they're doing in there, I feel sick to my stomach. But a girl has needs, and there's really nowhere else with any degree of privacy. This isn't even about the closet for me – it's about you needing to provide us with a space for conjugal visits."
"Ok, first of all, none of you are meant to be having conjugal visits," retorted Dr. Leland. "This is a hospital for the mentally ill, and any kind of intimacy between the inmates is strictly against the rules, which is why this meeting is not happening. However, I'm aware that the rules have rarely stopped anyone in this place from doing anything, and even though I've tried my hardest to keep Joker and Harley apart in here, nothing works. So I've just accepted that these things do happen, and turn a blind eye to the breaking of the rules. But to actually set aside a dedicated space for the rules to be broken in is asking for trouble. It's making the fact that rules are broken completely obvious, which risks my job, and risks your ability to keep breaking the rules if people find out and decide they want to clamp down on this."
"But it's not fair!" protested Ivy. "Sex is a human right!"
"Better not tell the nerds that!" chuckled Joker. "They'll say they've been deprived of their human rights for years, and demand that they be satisfied!"
"Sex is not a human right, Pamela, and technically you're all incapable of consent anyway," retorted Dr. Leland. "That's what your insanity verdict means – it means you're not in your right mind, and not in control of your actions. Which means you can't legally consent to sexual intercourse."
"Oooh, kinky!" giggled Harley. "Thinking it's super illegal makes it hotter, doesn't it, Mr. J?"
"Yeah, illicitness has always been a big part of the thrill," agreed Joker, nodding. "Well, that and knowing how it annoys people having to hear us…"
"Which is why the private space is so important," finished Two-Face. "It's not only good for them, it's good for all of us so we don't have to hear them at all hours. This will be a good thing for the mental health of the whole asylum, and isn't improving mental health the whole reason we're in here?"
Dr. Leland sighed. "You always were a good lawyer, Harvey," she muttered. "Ok, let me think about this. Maybe there's a way we can sneakily give you access to the padded cells – those are noise-proof so you wouldn't be disturbing anyone else."
"Take all the fun outta life," Joker muttered, folding his arms across his chest.
"Besides, I'm sure Glenn would appreciate being able to access his closet whenever he needs to, without fear of seeing something that would traumatize him," continued Dr. Leland. "We have enough trouble keeping employees here – the last thing we need is our janitor leaving."
"Yeah, and he's been here since forever," said Harley, nodding. "Even before I started working here, and that was a long time ago now. It's kinda odd that he was never killed in a breakout or something."
"Harley, what joke would there be in killing the janitor?" sighed Joker. "They're hard-working people who do essential jobs, and I have nothing but respect for them. I'm not going to go around indiscriminately slaughtering them, especially when Glenn does such a wonderful job at keeping this dump less dump-like."
"Until I figure out a way to get you access to the padded cells, please just try not to fight over the closet," said Dr. Leland, standing up and summoning the guards with a press of a button. "Just take turns like rational, sane people."
"You forget who you're talking to, Doc!" chuckled Joker, as they were led away. "We don't even know the meaning of those words!"
"How did your not-meeting go?" asked Jervis Tetch, as they were escorted back to the Rec Room. "I quite like that idea – it's like having an un-birthday. Complete nonsense, of course, which is why I like it."
"It was fine," sighed Ivy. "Dr. Leland said she's working on a solution to our problem. She's trying to give us access to the padded cells so we can have a private, soundproof place for romance."
"Thank God for that," commented Jonathan Crane, not looking up from his book.
"Yeah, it's probably really uncomfortable for you to hear us having sex, huh, Johnny?" chuckled Joker. "Considering you've never had any, and never will, I imagine the whole thing is both painful and baffling to you."
"The only thing baffling to me is what Harley sees in you in the first place," retorted Crane.
"That's baffling to all of us," agreed Ivy, nodding.
"It's not baffling – it's obvious," retorted Harley. "Just look at him," she sighed, gazing at Joker adoringly. "You're crazy if you're not turned on just by looking at his beautiful face!"
"Well, we all are technically insane, I suppose," sighed Crane.
"I'm baffled by the fact that you're still in here on Halloween, professor," retorted Joker. "Don't you usually break out long before this so you'll have a scheme ready for Batsy tonight?"
"I'm taking this year off," replied Crane. "While last year's attack was incredibly successful, it was also very stressful, and I'm happy to rest on my laurels this year and just bask in the glow of last year's success."
"Yeah, you deserve a break, Johnny," said Harley. "Even doing what you love can take it outta you. And speaking of doing what you love, all that talk of the janitor's closet made me really wanna use it again," she said, turning to Joker. "What do you say, puddin'?"
"I dunno – we apparently have to ask the peanut gallery for permission," said Joker, glaring at Ivy and Two-Face.
"You can have the stupid closet," retorted Ivy, heading over to the sofa and picking up a magazine. "Harvey and I will use it later."
"Just wipe it down this time, huh?" demanded Two-Face, as Harley pulled Joker out of the Rec Room and down the hall.
"I won't be bullied by people telling me how to clean my own space," muttered Joker, holding open the closet door for Harley. "Who the hell does he think he is? If I wanna leave a mess, I'll leave a mess."
"Mmm, and I want you to get me all messy, puddin'," purred Harley, pulling him into the closet and then pulling him into her arms. He shut the door, and then sat down on the box of cleaning supplies, adjusting Harley on his lap as they continued to kiss hungrily. Harley gasped, twisting her fingers into his hair and leaning back as he undid the buttons on her shirt and pulled it open.
"Oh…puddin'!" she gasped, as he kissed down her throat. "Oh, puddin'! Oh yes, oh...oh my God!" she shrieked suddenly.
"I know, no matter how many times you see it, the size always amazes you..." said Joker, opening his eyes, but that was when he realized she had screamed because the closet door was open. He peered out, but the hallway was empty.
"He was there!" gasped Harley, clutching her shirt to her chest. "He was standing right in the doorway!"
"Who? Harvey wanting to put us off our game?" demanded Joker, standing up to make sure the hallway was empty. "Or Craney being a peeping Tom?"
"No, it wasn't them!" gasped Harley. "It wasn't anyone I recognized – this mysterious, faceless guy in a hood!"
"You're imagining things, pooh," said Joker, shutting the door firmly. He sat back down and pulled her into his lap. "You must have been seeing things, freaking yourself out on Halloween. Now come to Daddy…"
"Mr. J, look!" gasped Harley. Joker looked where she was pointing – the closet door had some writing on it that hadn't been there when they had first entered. Large, erratic, red letters which read: I Know What You Did Last Halloween.