Being Joker

With a title like that, I bet you're expecting a gritty exploration of the world's most famous psychopath, and what it's like to be inside his twisted and disturbed mind. I can see why you'd have that impression. There's a lot of confusion about me these days – people look at me and Batsy and seem to bizarrely think he's the one people should emulate, and that I'm the dark and brooding one, the crazy one, the villain of the piece.

Well, the reality couldn't be further from the truth. Not that I'm saying I'm a hero – I'm certainly not. But then neither is Batsy. Heroes are all about caring and compassion, and neither Batsy nor I have ever suffered from anything like that. I mean, he violently assaults criminals - you can't call yourself caring and compassionate when you're beating people to a pulp just because you think they're the bad guys. Heroes conform to some external ideal of what a good guy is. I'm not a conformist kinda guy, which you can tell just by looking at me. And neither is Bats in that respect – conformists don't wear costumes, the losers. But of the two of us, Batsy is definitely the one you don't want to be. I mean, just look at the guy. No style for one thing – that emo look hasn't been cool since the 90s. If there's one thing that can be said about me, it's that I have style in spades, if you'll forgive the pun. I don't much care for puns, but sometimes they just come naturally to me, being the quick-witted genius I am.

People often ask me, "Joker, what's it like to be the world's greatest comedian and the world's greatest criminal mind, as well as the most intelligent and good-looking man in the world? There must be so much pressure on you, especially considering you have to waste so much of your time fraternizing with lesser mortals. How do you cope with being the most perfect man who ever lived?"

Yes, people often ask me that. Shrinks, mostly, or that's what I hear anyway. That's the subtext of all their questions about my childhood, my relationships, my feelings, all that stuff. They want to know why I'm so fantastic. And I'll bet they do – I'll bet you all do. Wouldn't you like to be as happy as I am? My life is pretty great, I'm not gonna lie. Carefree and fun, getting to fight with my Bat buddy every night, and frequently in the company of my loyal and loving girlfriend. Oh sure, Harley can be more than her fair share of annoying and clinging, but I try to look on the bright side of our relationship, just as I try to look on the bright side of everything. And honestly, that's probably the key to being the most perfect man who ever lived.

And you can't really blame Harley, can you? People call her crazy to be so madly in love with a guy like me, but I think she's one of the few sane people I've ever met. Because it makes sense to me that you'd be madly in love with me – who wouldn't want to be with the most wonderful guy in the world? The crazy people are the ones who can't see what she sees – that she's lucky I even looked at a girl like her. I mean, she's far from perfect, and yet the most perfect guy in the world tolerates her, and even has, I hate to admit it, stirrings of affection for her from time to time. I respect her for being smart enough to see me as the perfect guy I am. It's flattering that someone besides me appreciates the wonder that is me. Those sad sacks out in Gotham certainly don't, which is baffling to me. But I don't think it's their fault - I think Bats has broken their brains. He's constantly terrorized people so they're not thinking straight, and they're willing to just take his word that the people he beats up are actually bad guys. Harley is one of the few people who sees the truth, and who sees me for the genius that I am. And it's about time I got a little appreciation, I must say.

Let me tell you, it's not easy being me. Oh sure, it sounds good on paper, but do you have any idea what sorts of responsibilities come with being the most perfect man who ever lived? And how tiresome it is to put up with idiots who just don't understand how great you are?

Take Batman for instance. Sure, I love the guy, but he has absolutely no sense of humor, and absolutely no respect for my perfect face, which he's punched an insane amount of times. Honestly, you'd be shocked to hear how many of my perfect teeth I've had to have reattached after he's punched them out. No, they're not fake – I've always managed to find them and have them put back in. I know a good dentist, and he uses superglue mostly, but it works! I mean, can you imagine me without my smile? Or with some kinda dentures, or fake teeth, or something? That would be a fate worse than death. All this to say that my God-given good looks may look natural, and they are, but it's damn hard to keep them that way.

But I do have Batsy to thank for my stunning makeover in the first place. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm sure I was a knockout even before the whole clown thing, but since the clown thing, I've become completely irresistible to the ladies. Just ask Harley. I'm so glad that my accident didn't turn out like Harvey's with the two faces thing – it only enhanced my looks, rather than completely obliterated them. And of course it wasn't an accident in my case. It was the Bat's fault, and that's why I can't be completely mad at him. Sure, he beats me up all the time, but without him I wouldn't be the perfect man I am today. I don't remember what I was like before, of course, but I must have been pretty close to perfect. But now that I've reached perfection, it's Batman I have to thank for it. Poor guy – I think he's so miserable because he doesn't realize what a favor he's done, the great gift of me that he's given to the world. Mostly I think he just harbors guilt for it, which is pretty great too, I'm not gonna lie. There's nothing more fun than tormenting suckers who have consciences, which is most people. But it's especially fun tormenting people who have overly sensitive consciences, people who think their job in life should be to go out and police people, to change the world and everyone in it to fit their idea of some perfect order.

See, morality isn't so complicated – it's not about ideas like right and wrong or good and bad. It's about whether you think you should be able to dictate to others or not. Whether you believe in freedom or not. I do believe in freedom, as every red-blooded American should. And that means the freedom to do bad things, the freedom to make the wrong choices, without being punished by one's man arbitrary idea of justice. We fought a revolution to not be under the thumb of some tyrant, and yet now the very same people who call themselves patriotic Americans are begging to be under the thumb of some Bat-tyrant. Because he's been portrayed, by the media, by the cops, by the politicians, as some crusader for justice, someone who fights for the good and the innocent. And the public believes that nonsense, because it sounds good, and they don't think too deeply about it. Why question something when doing so would earn you the disapproval of society and of your peers? If the people in charge say something is good, why not listen to them? They only have your best interests at heart, right?

What a joke. What a joke from people who have no idea about why people seek out power. It's not to help other people, spoiler alert. I've never been a huge fan of power myself – I'm not that interested in controlling other people by and large. Mostly because that's a stupid ambition, because the world is a random, chaotic place. Random, unforeseen things always happen that send all your plans up in smoke, sometimes literally when I'm involved. I think the real secret to happiness is to not want power at all, because the tighter you grip on to it, the more it slips through your fingers. Let the need for control go, and focus on the fun. The key to being happy is to embrace the chaos – not to try to fight it or control it, but just go along with it and see where it leads you. It'll always lead you someplace enjoyable, I guarantee it.

I think the problem is people confuse power with meaning. They think if everyone in the world does what they say, then they'll be happy. But you can't be happy like that, because you can never control everyone in the world. It's an impossible dream, a fool's dream. And that's a literal fool telling you that, so you know how foolish it must really be. And you can find meaning in your life without wanting to control people all the time.

But a lot of people don't realize that – a lot of the freaks I'm locked up with, in fact. The Plant Lady is all about controlling the earth, and if you think controlling humanity is crazy, just think about how crazy an idea that is. But she wants to rule over the earth to save it from humanity, and to bring it back to nature. And she keeps failing, because it's a crazy dream based on gaining total power, which is inevitably going to fail. The world is far too chaotic for that.

The Fear Freak, he's another. He was bullied and powerless as a kid, so now he wants revenge by inflicting people's greatest fears on them, to have dominance and mastery over them. Personally I think getting a girlfriend would solve a lot of his issues, but you can tell that's impossible just by looking at him. It's kinda sad, really, because nobody has ever respected him, and no one ever will. Fear isn't the same thing as respect, y'see, but I don't think he knows that, since he was always afraid of the people everyone else respected. But it's a vicious cycle for him because he doesn't have any self-respect, and you can't respect others without that. And you can't learn to respect others without first respecting yourself. So he's doomed to be the punchline to everyone else's jokes, mostly mine.

People both fear and respect me, which is the key. You don't see anyone making jokes about me – I'm the guy who makes jokes about everyone else. I'm just a humble, simple jester, making a modest living with my criminal comedy, and I'm content with that. You'll notice I never set myself up to be mayor or king of Gotham like some of these freaks do. People like Lex Luthor, whose one ambition is to be dictator of the world, I just look at him and see an unhappy guy. Ambition is something that only really drives unhappy people – those of us who are truly happy find happiness in the life we live, not the life we wished we lived.

You control your own happiness, but you can't control the happiness of others. Some people just want to be miserable sad sacks, and there's nothing you can do to change that. But I still try with Batsy. A guy's gotta have a hobby.

Yes, it all comes back to Batman, and it always does. He's like the other freaks, the freaks who want to control people, who want power over people, who want people to do what they say. I keep trying to show him the insanity of his vision – I live my life in such a way to show him he can't control me. There's nothing he can do to gain power over me. All his beatings and striking terror into the hearts of criminals, that doesn't work on me. And it drives him crazy. That's why he keeps having to fight me, because he wants to break me. He needs to break me, because he thinks that'll make him happy at last. But it won't. Nothing can do that, because he's not seeing the world for the way it is. The world's a madhouse, a violent, random place full of violent, random people. You can beat 'em, or you can join 'em. And the only way he'll ever be happy is to stop fighting and join 'em. Acceptance, that's the real key to happiness. And I humbly accept that I am perfect. I tell ya, it's hard being the Joker, but someone's gotta do it.

The End