Author's note: This chapter picks up where the episode "The Southern Raiders" (S3 E16) leaves off. The first scene of this chapter is taken from the last scene of the episode.

Chapter 3: Balance

Katara sat on the abandoned dock, her legs dangling over the wood planks, toes skimming the surface of the water. The setting sun cast a deep orange glow over the ripples in the water, and small waves lapped against the rotting posts that jutted out like broken bones.

She kept reliving the final moments of her confrontation with Yon Rha, her mother's killer. Her blinding rage as he cowered before her. Channeling her pain and fury into razor-sharp shards of ice and hurling them at the wretched man. Pulling her hands back at the last second. The cold realization that she was about to do exactly the same thing that he did to her mother.

Aang's words rang in her head. You need to face this man. But when you do, please don't choose revenge. Let your anger out, and then let it go.

Forgive him.

Stopping herself from killing her mother's murderer was one thing. But forgiving him?

Footsteps pounded on the dock behind her. "Katara, are you okay?" Aang said.

"I'm doing fine," she replied, without turning around. Zuko must have returned with the others. He had left her on the dock outside his family's deserted beach home on Ember Island while he flew Appa to fetch the rest of the group. According to him, it was the safest place for them to hunker down. No one would look for them there.

"Zuko told me what you did. Or what you didn't do, I guess," Aang said. "I'm proud of you."

You wouldn't be, if you had seen me. "I wanted to do it, Aang. I wanted to take out all my anger at him, but I couldn't." Katara closed her eyes. "I don't know if it's because I'm too weak to do it or if it's because I'm strong enough not to."

"You did the right thing. Forgiveness is the first step you have to take to begin healing."

Katara rose to her feet and faced Aang. "But I didn't forgive him," she said heatedly. "I'll never forgive him."

Forgiveness is the first step you have to take to begin healing… Yes. She would begin healing. But this time, from a different wound.

Katara looked at Zuko, who stood just behind Aang, and smiled. For the first time, she saw a friend. "But I am ready to forgive you." She stepped forward and pulled Zuko into a hug. He seemed surprised, but he hugged her back.

Then she walked away, finally able to leave Zuko and Aang together without being consumed by fear or worry.

Katara found it ironic that Zuko had chosen the Fire Lord's own house on Ember Island as the hideout for the very people who were working to defeat him. It also felt wrong, somehow. Although it was nice to stay somewhere with actual walls and a bed to sleep in.

Everyone had picked a room and settled in. The house had an absurd number of bedrooms for a family of only four people, but perhaps the extra rooms were for guests. And servants, of course. It must be nice to live in luxury, paid for by the blood of innocent people over the last century, she thought bitterly.

Katara closed the door to her room and headed down the stairs that led to the first floor. It was time for dinner, and Zuko had prepared several Fire Nation dishes as a special treat. Or rather, he had found a cookbook with recipes for his favorite foods and Sokka, Suki, and Aang did all of the cooking while Toph offered to do the tasting.

If circumstances had been otherwise, Katara would have gladly joined them in making dinner, especially since she was the one with the most experience in the kitchen. But no one expected or pressured her to join them, and she was grateful to her friends for that. She had been through a lot over the last few days, and she needed to be alone for a while.

Katara walked along a wide corridor that led to the dining room in the main part of the house. The sounds of cheerful chatter that floated through the air made a jarring contrast with the somber murals and wall hangings that lined the hallway. One painting caught her eye. A Fire Nation warrior, probably a general from the medals that adorned his armor, stood on the backs of several Earth Kingdom peasants. He was planting a flag bearing the black-on-red flame insignia of the Fire Nation. The painting seemed to depict a major victory for the Fire Nation in the early years of the war.

But it wasn't the impressive realism or the rich hues or even the display of Fire Nation cruelty that attracted her attention. It was the peasants. Their faces were locked into grimaces, eyes bulging with fear. Their expressions were filled with a desperate pleading as the general's boots ground them into the dirt.

She had seen those faces before—on Yon Rha and the new leader of the Southern Raiders. One she had almost killed with waterbending, and the other she had dominated with bloodbending. A sick feeling rose in Katara's stomach. She was no better than Yon Rha or any of the Fire Nation soldiers who killed, maimed, and destroyed. Even worse, she was more like Hama, who controlled and tortured people purely for the sake of revenge.

Katara hurried down the hall. She had to get away from the painting, away from the pleading, terrified faces of the peasants. She wanted to scrub away the memory of Yon Rha's haggard and wretched face and the horrified eyes of the Southern Raiders' commander. As she neared the brightly lit dining room, she glimpsed her friends talking and laughing and carrying on as usual. There was no way she could face them right now.

She ran past the dining room and down the main corridor of the house and out the front door. Katara just needed to get out of the Fire Lord's house, the leisure home of tyrants who perpetuated the cycle of war, hate, and revenge from which she could not escape.

Once she was outside, she kept going, her legs carrying her along the path leading away from the house and down to the end of the dock. Darkness had fallen, and the full moon was high in the sky.

Katara had thought that being outside, under the moon and surrounded by ocean, would help clear her head, that drawing near to the fundamental elements of waterbending would bring peace and balance back to her soul. But she was wrong. Instead of comforting her, the moon reminded her of the night Hama had forced her to learn bloodbending. The ocean was black and endless, a dark and ominous void that threatened to swallow her up.

She fell to her knees, her fingers digging into the rotting and splintered boards of the dock. Yon Rha, Hama, and Katara. The war had twisted them, turned them on each other. Turned them into monsters.

The hollow sound of footsteps on the wooden planks approached her from behind. Someone crouched down next to her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw it was Aang.

Katara closed her eyes. Here was the gentlest, most forgiving person she knew, and of course he was the one who had come down to check on her. He couldn't possibly understand the dark place she was in right now. She didn't want him to see her like this.

She had also hurt him, besides. The things she had done and said were in the name of staying on task, and it was for the best, but that didn't change the fact that she had hurt him. Since the volcano incident, they hadn't spoken to each other unless absolutely necessary. Their conversation on the morning she decided to leave with Zuko was the lengthiest one they'd had in over a week. Even then, he had initially avoided her, turning his back as he made a half-hearted joke about her taking a field trip with Zuko.

The distance between them showed even now. Although Aang was nearby, he stayed more than an arm's length away.

Katara curled into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest. Part of her wished he would go away, so he wouldn't have to witness her shame and the twisted thing she had become. But part of her wanted him to stay.

"I can tell something's bothering you," Aang said. "If you want to talk about it…I'm here."

"I don't think you would understand."

"I probably understand better than you think," he said quietly.

"No, you don't," she said, a little too sharply. Her shame was now colored with resentment. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about."

Aang didn't say anything. Then he stood up and began to walk away.

No, don't go! Katara thought in a panic. It dawned on her that she could lose Aang in other ways before he even faced the Fire Lord.

She ran after him and grabbed his wrist. The contact seemed to catch him by surprise, and he stopped to look at her. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. I'm just…so mixed up right now."

He was still looking at her. She could make out his face in the moonlight, but the shadows across his face made his expression hard to read. Even though she had her hand around his wrist, she couldn't help but feel that he was slipping away from her. "Please don't leave. I don't want to be alone right now." Her eyes brimmed with tears, which overflowed and spilled down her face. "Please, Aang."

Without a word, Aang took her by the hand and led her to the end of the dock. They sat down, next to each other this time, with their legs hanging over the water.

He was seeing her at her lowest point, and things between them couldn't get much worse. Katara had nothing left to lose by opening up. He hadn't let go of her hand, though, so that was something. She took a deep breath and started talking.

"When Zuko and I found the Southern Raiders' ship, when we found their leader, I had so much rage against him. I used bloodbending to force him to the ground. Before that, he was attacking Zuko, but that's not why I used bloodbending. I used it because I wanted to make him suffer, make him pay for the years of pain I had to endure without my mother. But when I realized that he was not the man who killed my mother, I just stopped and walked away. I didn't feel anything. I felt…empty inside.

"Once we found out that Yon Rha was my mother's murderer, we tracked him down in his village. I made sure he remembered who I was, so he would know exactly who was about to end his miserable life. I was going to kill him. I wanted to. But when I saw him in front of me, cowering in the mud, a helpless old man, empty and pathetic, I couldn't do it. Killing him would make me just as empty and pathetic as he was."

Underneath the pale moon, Katara felt cold and small, repulsive and unlovable.

Aang squeezed her hand. "You stopped yourself, Katara. You held back," he said. "You didn't choose revenge."

Katara let go of his hand and balled her hands into fists, crumpling the fabric of her robe between her fingers. "But I did choose revenge! Even if I didn't kill him, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt the leader of the Southern Raiders, too. I wanted to make them afraid. I wasn't attacking them to help anyone or save anyone. All I wanted was to make them hurt as much as I was hurting.

"Part of me wants to take Appa right now and fly back to Yon Rha's village and finish him off. He murdered my mother in cold blood. She was completely defenseless. He deserves the same thing. I wanted to be the one to do it. If I ever see his face again, I don't think I could stop myself a second time.

"Do you see, now? I did choose revenge. I stopped myself once, but I can't let go of it. I can't let go of this hatred. I'm no different from Yon Rha. Or Hama. Yon Rha is a killer. So am I, or I could be—I can still imagine myself killing him, stabbing him with ice. Hama used bloodbending to torture people for revenge. I swore I would never bloodbend again, but I did. And I did it for revenge." Katara turned to Aang, tears streaming freely down her face. "Aang, what have I become?"

Confessing the hideous truth about herself opened a floodgate inside of Katara. She covered her mouth with her hands and began to sob—ugly, gasping sobs that convulsed her entire body as the pain, anger, and shame she had carried for so long flowed out of her.

Aang put an arm around her shoulders, gingerly at first, as if he was unsure whether she would welcome his touch or push him away. She leaned back into him as she sobbed, seeking his comfort. He tightened his arm around her and pulled her close.

Even after Katara stopped crying, Aang continued to hold her. Her head rested in the curve between his neck and his shoulder, and the feeling of his chest rising and falling as he breathed soothed her ragged emotions. Katara hadn't realized how much she had missed him. The distance between them had hurt her, too.

"When I found out the sandbenders had taken Appa, all I could feel was pain and rage," Aang said in a quiet voice. "Losing Appa was like losing a part of myself. He was the only piece I had left from the life I had before I was frozen in the iceberg. I felt lost without him.

"I wanted to get him back, but I also wanted everyone around me to feel the pain I was feeling. I remember blaming Toph, even though there was no way she could have saved us and Appa at the same time. I kept yelling at you, when all you were trying to do was hold the group together and get us out of the desert alive.

"When we found the sandbenders who took Appa, I had so much rage inside of me that it pushed me into the Avatar state. I wanted to hurt them like they hurt Appa. Like they hurt me. I wanted to destroy them. General Fong tried to force me into the Avatar state by pretending to bury you alive. It worked. I thought I had lost you, and I was in so much pain that I wanted to destroy everything around me."

Katara reached for his hand and clasped it within her own. Aang squeezed back, a gentle pressure on her fingers.

"I'm not proud of those moments," he went on. "And just like you, I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt the people who hurt me and the people I loved. But you pulled me out of the Avatar state with the sandbenders, and Roku pulled me out with General Fong. I still ended up hurting people, but you and Roku kept me from totally destroying everything."

Aang fell silent. They sat together, listening to the dull roar of the ocean waves, resting in the comfort of being close to each other.

After a few moments, he said, "I think there's a big difference between wanting revenge and actually carrying out revenge as far as you can take it. I had you and Roku to hold me back. But you didn't have anyone. You chose to stop yourself. It takes a lot of strength to do that."

Katara laced her fingers together with Aang's. When she could only feel fury and pain, he brought her calm. When she was free falling, he was the counterweight that brought her back into balance.

"I'm not as strong as you think," she said. "The things you said on the morning before I left, about forgiveness and letting my anger go, they stayed with me. I know it seemed like I wasn't listening, but I was. I didn't like what you were saying at the time, but I needed to hear it. The things you said helped me come to the right decision. Even if I still can't forgive Yon Rha."

"But you forgave Zuko."

"Yes, I did." She chuckled to herself. "If you had told me that day that I would forgive Zuko, that he would be my friend, I would have thought you'd been drinking Sokka's cactus juice." Then she sighed. "I really shouldn't have let him mock you like he did, when you were just trying to give me advice."

Aang shrugged. "That was just Zuko being Zuko. No big deal."

How does he do it? Katara wondered. How can he forgive people, just like that? How can he forgive…me?

Katara lifted her head from Aang's shoulder. She let go of his hand and sat up straight. Her eyes searched his face, trying to detect any trace of bitterness or resentment, and found none. He forgives people because that's just who he is. And I love him for it.

Talking about Zuko nudged something in Katara's memory. "Aang, do you remember what Zuko said a few weeks ago? About how you once said you thought the two of you could be friends. Did you really say that?"

"Yeah, I did. That was when he rescued me after Zhao captured me. I was wondering if we could have been friends, if we had met a hundred years ago, before the war."

"And now you are friends. If it weren't for the war, maybe it could have happened sooner. And he wouldn't have hunted you to begin with."

"Yeah! And if there was no war, Yon Rha would have never attacked your village," he said, catching on to her train of thought. "And he wouldn't have killed your mother. He probably wouldn't have killed anyone at all."

"And Hama would have never been taken prisoner or needed to learn how to bloodbend. I never would have met her in the Fire Nation, because she would still be living in the Southern Water Tribe. In fact, I probably would have never gone to the Fire Nation at all."

Katara expected Aang to come back with something equally uplifting, but instead, he seemed troubled. "If there was no war…we never would have met," he said. "I would still be trapped in that iceberg."

"Aang…" She touched her fingers to his cheek. "Who knows what would have happened? I was only able to crack the iceberg open because Sokka said something that made me mad. And seeing how he's pretty good at making me mad, I probably would have found you anyway."

Despite her attempt to reassure him, Aang didn't seem convinced. He looked so forlorn that Katara idly wondered if kissing him would lift his spirits. Her cheeks grew warm at the boldness of the idea, and she was grateful that it was too dark for him to see her blush.

She pulled her hand away from his face before she could be tempted to turn her thoughts about kissing into more than just thoughts. The rift that separated them had closed, but she wasn't eager to resume the dance between them, constantly shifting between being friends and something much more intense.

"I'm not happy that there's a war going on," Aang said, "but I'm also not sad that things aren't different from what they are. Otherwise, I wouldn't have met you, or Sokka, or Toph, or Zuko, or any of the others." He looked at her with a worried expression on his face. "Does it make me a bad person to feel that way?"

Katara couldn't help smiling. It was so like Aang to be distressed about something like this. A gentle spirit, caught up in a war-torn world. The war had undoubtedly touched him, but he wasn't trapped in its endless cycle like the rest of them were.

Aang was the Avatar that their world needed. He was the one who had to break the cycle.

"No, Aang, it doesn't. Things are the way they are. We can't change the past. But we can end this war. We have to."

After they returned to the house, Katara said goodnight to Aang at the top of the stairs before they went their separate ways. They seemed to have settled into a delicate balance of being friends while keeping a careful space between them. Even though they'd had a few moments of being close again, too much had happened in the last few weeks for them to be totally comfortable around each other.

It wasn't really what Katara wanted. What she wanted was for their friendship to go back to the way it was before, but she knew that was impossible. At least they were talking to each other now.

When Katara reached her room, she was about to open the door when she heard someone coming up the hallway. It was Suki. Katara gave her a little wave and wondered why the older girl was up and about so late. But to be fair, Suki probably wondered the same thing about her.

As Suki passed Katara on the way to her own room, she said, "You and Aang are so sweet together. You're lucky to have each other."

Katara was turning the doorknob and the door gave way, and she nearly fell into her room. "Uh…we're not together."

"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were taking a break."

"Taking a break?"

Suki gave her a quizzical look. "Yeah, you know, how couples take a break when you need some space for a while."

"Oh." Katara flushed. "We're not…a couple."

Suki blinked, looking nonplussed. "You're not? I always thought…" She gave a self-conscious laugh. "Sorry, I didn't mean to assume."

Embarrassed as she was, Katara couldn't suppress a rising sense of curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"It's just that you and Aang seem close. Really close. That's what I remember from the time we went through the Serpent's Pass together."

The Serpent's Pass? Aang had been trying to block off his emotions at the time, and he had been distancing himself from Katara and everyone else. Although they did make up after they got to the other side. But that couldn't have been the only time Suki noticed something. "And tonight, too?"

"Um, yeah." Suki shifted her eyes away, starting to look uncomfortable with Katara's line of questioning.

The conversation was only getting more awkward, but Katara pressed on. She had to know. "What about tonight? What did you see?"

The other girl's face turned red. "Oh, nothing. It's not like I was spying on you or anything."

"No, really," Katara said. "I want to know. I need to know what you think Aang feels about me." And what you think I feel about Aang.

Katara's request seemed to put Suki at ease. "Sokka and I happened to be, uh, taking a walk outside…" Suki blushed again. "And, er, that's when I noticed you and Aang sitting on the dock together. It looked like the two of you were cuddling. Like you wanted to spend some time alone with each other."

"We didn't look like we were just friends?"

Suki giggled. "If people who are 'just friends' cuddle like that, then maybe Sokka and I are 'just friends,' too."

Katara hugged her arms to her chest as she pondered Suki's words. "Oh…I see."

Suki leaned closer and said in a conspiratorial whisper, "If you ask me, I think Aang has a thing for you."

"Yeah…I think you might be right."

"He's a sweet kid. Maybe you should give him a chance. See where it goes." Suki nudged Katara with her elbow. "It doesn't hurt that he's the Avatar, too."

"Yeah…right."

"Anyway, I'd better head off to bed." Suki waved and started down the hall. "See you in the morning."

Once inside her room, Katara sat down on her bed, thinking about what Suki had said.

It looked like the two of you were cuddling. Like you wanted to spend some time alone with each other.

Suki must have seen them when she was crying and Aang had his arm around her. And he still held her after she stopped crying, when they were just talking. She had let him do it. In fact, she had welcomed it. Leaning on Aang's shoulder and having his arm around her had felt good. Very good. They had held hands, too. It all seemed so natural at the time. They were just friends who were taking comfort in each other's company after a difficult and emotional day.

But people who are "just friends" don't cuddle…

Was that what they were doing, then? Cuddling? Katara didn't think of it that way, but clearly that was how they must have looked. Then what about all the times that they hugged? Or held hands? Or when she kissed his cheek or touched his face? Or when they did the cave dance routine that had left her breathless? Were those things that people did when they were just friends? She had the feeling that the answer to that question was no.

Katara was the kind of person who was affectionate with the people she loved. Aang was a very dear friend, so she naturally showed him the most affection out of everyone in the group.

But if she was showing him the kind of affection that people in love showed to each other…

Maybe she was a little in love with Aang.

Katara flopped backward onto her bed. I'm in love with Aang, she repeated to herself. The idea of being in love with Aang made her warm inside, but it felt funny, too. Like trying to fit together the pieces of a puzzle that didn't quite match. Because people fall in love, don't they? Falling in love isn't supposed to creep up on you, Katara thought. Just look at Sokka. It seemed so easy for her brother. He was either in love or he wasn't. He was obviously in love with Suki, and he knew it—there was no confusion on his part. It had been the same with him and Yue.

If only it were so easy for Katara. Why was she having such a hard time telling the difference between loving Aang as a dear friend and being in love with him? Maybe Suki is wrong. Maybe what she saw had more to do with Aang having feelings for me, and that was all. She hasn't been part of the group for very long. She doesn't know me or Aang very well and she hasn't had time to see what our friendship really looks like.

But still…Suki had seemed so sure that Katara and Aang were together, even way back then at the Serpent's Pass.

Do I love Aang as a friend, or am I in love with him? Katara felt like she was chasing her tail as she turned the problem around and around in her head.

Her eyelids began to droop. All she wanted to do was curl up with her pillow and go to sleep. She was exhausted, and she needed to get some rest if she was going to help Aang train tomorrow.

Katara would sort out the question of whether or not she was in love, at some point. But now was not the time.