Chapter 19: The Disagreement
A/N: Sorry about the short notice but I had to release this chapter a day early. Ya girl probably won't even get the chance to be around my laptop tomorrow. There's a lot of introspection in this chapter to make up for all the action in the next one. Both pretty much go hand in hand and you'll see why in the next update. Enjoy!
The question didn't surprise John nearly as much as you thought it would. In actual fact, John remained entirely unperturbed as his face had yet to change. Whether he was unbothered or not, you still expected some variation of an answer from him regardless. If the man was going to insist on you staying home while he was away and punish you for leaving, you had to know the reason why. Such a thing is only fair.
The bathroom remains silent for a minute or two with neither of you speaking, only staring placidly into each other's eyes. You could do nothing but wait with baited breath. From the very day he imposed the restriction, you'd been wracking your brain on why he felt the need to enforce such limitations on you. Why now after all this time? It made no sense to you.
"New developments have emerged." It's a veiled justification. One you weren't willing to accept.
Folding your arms across your chest, you shifted on your feet. "What does that mean? I don't understand."
Your stance gave off the impression that you weren't about to let this go that easily. He owed you an explanation.
"When it is time, I may divulge such information to you. As of now, I cannot."
"But why?" You persistently questioned him. "Are you keeping some-"
The ringing of a cell phone, presumably John's, sounded off from the bedroom and put a halt to the conversation. The timing couldn't have been any worse. Shortly thereafter, John politely excused himself to fluidly leave the bathroom.
Your brows drew downwards beyond your control. As far as you were concerned, the conversation was far from being done. His behavior, though only somewhat ordinary, was still distressing to you. You'd never known him to be so evasive when it came to a particular subject. It only served to make you all the more suspicious. Regardless of what went on, you would get the answers you wanted out of him. And nothing would stop you.
Dinner went on without a hitch. For a while, you were content to dine with John in moderate silence. That silence however, did not extend to the loud thoughts raging in your mind the longer you sat across from him. While he remained genuinely composed, you felt quite the opposite. The knots twisting deep within your stomach were making you uncomfortable and restless. They were not knots of fear but knots of mounting anticipation. The brief conversation you'd had with him just two hours prior had not left your mind. In essence, your mind had replayed it over and over in a meager attempt to gain some kind of clarity. In the end, all you'd done was overthink yourself into a crevice it was impossible to pull yourself out of.
John himself still hadn't provided you with a valid explanation and if you were honest with yourself, you didn't believe he ever planned to. On top of that, you had every intention of urging him to make good on his last verbal commitment to consider taking you out. It's another issue that's been weighing on you for a minute and not pressing the issue hasn't given you the desired results as of yet. As much as you hate to admit it, you've been afraid of losing him if you pressed too much but you can't not acknowledge your need for higher intimacy between you. And you're acutely aware that he told you he would speak with you about it before he went off on his last assignment. Now is as good a time as any - you'd bid your time long enough.
Chewing the last of the food in your mouth, you took a sip of drink. "I'd like to go out somewhere. I don't really care where we go. I just want to be with you." You confidently articulated to the man sitting next to you.
There was not so much as a flinch from him or any indication that he even heard the vocalization.
"You said you would consider it at a later time. It's later." You pressed, not willing to allow him to slide past this time around.
You waited patiently as he chewed, swallowed the food, and dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. "I have given it some thought while I was away…"
"And?" You leaned in eagerly.
John regarded you with his signature calm, steady stare. "It will not be possible at this point in time."
Your heart plummeted directly to your feet. It obviously wasn't the response you expected or wanted to hear. Despite that, your stubbornness would not allow him to deny you once more. "It doesn't have to be a big fancy restaurant! I'll happily settle for a movie or even a shopping trip."
"The setting or context is of no consequence."
"So you just don't want to take me out?"
"That is not the reason." John's baritone remains solely indifferent.
"Then what is the reason? Because I'm struggling to understand here. This would be a lot easier for you if you would just tell me." You urged.
Despite trying not to look too deep into it, it feels like he's deliberately keeping you in the dark. Aside from the night he brought you to that hotel, you're never actually been out in public with him.
"_" The use of your name shocked you more than the look on his face but that didn't mean you weren't stunned by it either. By now, you've learned what that look meant - it was meant as a warning.
You wouldn't be deterred. "Come on, we can go sit on the freaking parking bench or something. I just want the chance to leave the h-"
"No." John's eyes snapped to yours in that instant and you can very clearly see the seriousness in them.
That one word had cut through the air like a seven-edged steel blade - that single word made your eyes truly open. It's just something about the way he said it that chilled every vein in your heart. The man's customary, even tone had dropped an octave, making his already deep voice that much deeper. To you, it was the equivalent of him raising his voice. Your own father could even use a certain tone of voice or look at you a certain way with you wanting to fall apart. Even Sweetface, who'd been laying quietly near the table had lifted up his head and become slightly uneasy at his owner's unusual utterance.
You don't know why it felt like you both were having an argument - something the two of you had never had before. Not even a mild disagreement. It was that one unfamiliar word that left you perplexed above all else. John never outright refused anything you'd asked of him. There's a tight feeling pulling within your chest that only manifests when you're close to crying. It's kinda sad you're now a functional adult that will immediately be brought to tears if your feelings are hurt by the right person. You don't dare open your mouth any further for fear that you might break down on the spot.
And just like that, the pleasant dinner conversation had shifted into quite the opposite and your appetite was quickly lost. Everything that had just transpired efficiently shattered the state of bliss you'd been residing in for days now. Truthfully, no one should possess the power to shift your emotions so quickly but obviously he'd become one of the rare exceptions.
You snuck a few glances at him here and there to see if his face showed any hint of him reconsidering his choice. But it seemed he remained resolute in his decision therefore you held no hope of it changing. His answer was set in stone.
Even now, as you kept your eyes firmly on your plate of food, you could almost feel his gaze burning into you, possibly willing you to meet his gaze. Something you refused to do. You didn't want to see that piercing stare right now. Your hand tightened over the fork in your right hand. Since you contribute about ninety percent of the conversation, it's very noticeable and telling when you go completely silent.
He's been absolutely forthright with you all this time, what had changed in that time to cause him to make a transition? Had you failed to take something into consideration beforehand? Being unable to force yourself to keep eating for show, you stood up reflexively and walked away from the table.
And when he softly called to you, you pretended as if you hadn't heard him and continued trudging up the stairs with Sweetface in tow. You feel far too dejected in the worst ways. Honestly, you're not willing to reason with him at this point in time. Those who truly know you, are aware of how you turn to steel when you're upset enough. It's been a defensive mechanism you've utilized since you were young. Unfortunately, this is how you're choosing to deal with the fallout because you don't know any other way.
The day had started off so well and now after the incident, it feels like it'd veered completely off course. And you feel absolutely crushed but this isn't something you can control.
Having him so uncompromising about the subject was just so jarring to fathom. It was such an odd feeling and it has you questioning just what you've gotten yourself into. In some capacity, it's better to question everything rather than continuing to live in blissful ignorance. You hate to think you've been playing yourself all this time. And to think you've been planning to reveal the deep-seated feelings you had for him. All of that had now been placed on indefinite hold for an unspecified amount of duration.
This is the main reason why it's important for a woman to know her place with a man before she does too much. Knowing where you stand is essential especially in situations like this. Your grandmother always said a person should never pour more in than they receive. Those were true words to live by. Now you have to evaluate your situation and where you go from here. All you know is...you don't like tonight at all.
You mechanically stripped out of your clothes and changed into more comfortable clothing suitable for sleeping. Letting you head the pillow is the most soothing feeling you've had all day and you practically melted into the sheets. All you wanted to do was sleep. Better not to keep letting your brain trick you into thinking the situation was worse than it already was and keep yourself up for no reason. Just as you allow the pull of sleep to take you, you thought you could hear the rumble of John's mustang starting up and fading into the distance. Too tired to investigate, you succumbed to drowsiness and fell asleep.
When you blinked your eyes open again, it was impossible to tell how long you slept for, only that it felt like you'd just closed your eyes. In what you suppose is a natural reaction, your eyes scanned the bedroom wearily. The inspection is immediately cut short by the unexpected sight of John sitting on your side of the bed watching you passively. Your heart paused before it continued once more, leaving noticeable by miniscule ache. Despite feeling a little subconscious about him watching you sleep, you wonder how long he's been there.
After dinner, you usually go to bed together and fall asleep in each other's arms - but that didn't happen tonight.
Moonlight from the large open windows engulfed the bedroom in generous rays of light. The two of you stared at one another for some time until you finally mustered the urge to sit upright. He wasn't concerned with how mussed your hair looked from sleeping on it. He's probably more moved by the stricken expression on your face and promptly sought to make up for it.
"I want to apologize. I had not taken into account how you might feel."
You see it in his face, this was his attempt to ask forgiveness for upsetting you. Seeing you upset was something he obviously detested, especially if he had a hand in making you that way. You know full well that John wouldn't deliberately be mean-spirited to you but the thought he could be, made you stiffen. The effort was enduring if not a little sweet on his part. Although it didn't completely take away the disappointment, it did make you feel slightly better. Honestly, it's like putting a bandaid on a knife wound. You're only realizing now that it might be a subconscious attempt to self-sooth and bring comfort. Though it might just be your pride that's hurt the most.
You allowed the faintest smile to appear on your face before it dropped altogether. Clearly, it wasn't meant to be maintained for long. "No...it was stupid of me to ask."
He gently lifted your chin, the sight nearly took your breath away. The affection shining in his eyes is enough to inform you of how remorseful he felt. It occurred to you in that moment that John was aware of how sensitive your heart could be than you were. You still when one of his calloused hands came up to caress the left side of your face. His palm was warm against your cheek and you had to resist the urge to lean more into it. You can feel the heat wafting off his body in waves. It was hard for you not to be taken by his sweetly spoken words.
"I will never use that tone of voice with you again." He calmly emphasized.
You certainly hoped not. Outbursts like the one he had at the table were so uncommon that you still couldn't believe it happened. Neither of you are perfect, you're only human.
Your stoic lover presses his forehead head softly against yours and there's a pleasant flutter in your stomach. With him being the living embodiment of death, it's almost strange for him to have such a fondness for you. John has that refined finesse about him that you haven't seen in the other men before him. But above all that, he was sincere in everything he does and says.
And you believed him.
The next morning is no less cumbersome than the previous night. All contact and communication between the two of you is extremely minimized to the point of it being scarce. Both of you go through your usual morning routines with added proximity. You're not avoiding each other per say but it certainly could come off that way. You were never in one room with him for too long. It was as if the apology had never even taken place. Not only that but maintaining a courteous face around the house required too much effort.
Honestly, you still don't know how to feel about last night and you also don't feel inclined to linger on it for too long. When it comes to him, you know how difficult it is to contend with your emotions. You can't deal with this new thing of constantly getting in your feelings about him, it just shows how deeply you've begun to care. Along with an annual reminder that you can feel so in sync with a person but still be somewhat distant from them as well. Deep down you already knew this, which is the reason why you haven't had the heart to tell him how you truly feel - to tell him that he literally held your heart in his hands. With him dismissing your simple requests, you could not have the whole of him.
What did you really expect from him?
At times like this, it's important to remember how the whole arrangement originated. Naturally, you tend to over complicate things when you overthink and you've done a lot of that for the past few hours. And you don't need your mind to be any more clouded than it already was. There's so much confusion and disillusion all at once that your head feels as though it was spinning. Hell, you don't even know what to do with yourself. That one disagreement brought out all kinds of insecurities that you weren't even aware that you had.
Intent on grabbing your keys from the small bowl in the corridor, you prepare to leave to make it on time to your hair appointment. Honestly, you're sort of relieved to get out of the house, the tension was stifling and you haven't figured out how to navigate the situation with John just yet. Speaking of which, the man was just striding out from the opposite side of the corridor to meet you and you shiftly schooled your expression into one of impassivity.
On cue, the man's voice murmured to you softly and your heart leapt. "Will you be returning this evening?"
One could cut the tension in half with a knife. You couldn't summon the words to your lips so you nodded a response instead.
Surprisingly, you noticed how John's brown eyes narrowed a fraction - almost as if he couldn't take how communitive you were this morning. Evidently, he expected a verbal reply and your prolonged silence is affecting him. Oddly enough, you can't help how hyper aware you've become of him either you thought as you bit down on the inside tissue of your cheek.
After some deliberation, he acknowledged your wordless response with a quaint nod of his own and glided past you and you released the breath you'd been holding. It's hard to ignore the ache in your chest when you realize that you both usually share a kiss before one of you leaves the house. The behavior from you both was highly uncharacteristic and unwelcome for you to have come to terms with. For you to act this way towards him is slightly disconcerting. You hated that it had come to this but what could you do?
With that in mind, you snatched up your keys and was out the door a second later.
Shannon scheduled your hair appointment at noon right after her morning client. Honestly, you're just grateful that she was able to squeeze you in given how fast she gets booked up with other clients. When you walk into her shop, she's just finishing up with another girl's jumbo box braids and they look good. It's a cute style on someone else but your new growth grows too quick for that style to ever stick. With you, it'll be a waste of money and time.
It took her a total of five hours to braid your hair and your ass hurts from sitting so long. Though you didn't really notice until the hairstyle was finished. Other than maintaining shallow conversation, you'd spent long periods of time lost in your own thoughts. She puts some kind of cooling oil in your scalp that feels heavenly. When you ask her what brand of oil it was she happily explains why she loves it and tells you what store you can buy it from.
Once you leave Shannon's shop you headed straight to Alexis' house where she, Jas, Tre and Jeremy were waiting. You'd already planned to meet up with them anyway to discuss your situation. You desperately need their input right now. Attempting to get to the root of the issue is all you can think to do.
Even now, they all look on as you restlessly pace around the room, unable to sit still. You'd done enough sitting for today and you had your hair appointment to thank for that. Everyone else in the room is in a semi-relaxed position except you.
Tre was already shaking his head in comedic fashion. "It's always something going on with you."
"He's never said no to me before. I don't know how to handle it."
"Maybe he's the type of man that only wants to keep the relationship behind closed doors." Jeremy suggested.
"Uhn uhn Jeremy. They past all that. It's way too serious, you might as well say they in a full blown relationship."
"Yeah he bought her a fucking car."
The man's eyes went wide. "Damn! You running his pockets ain't you?"
"Jeremy, that man do everything she asks him to. She just be trippin sometimes. I know from experience that when somebody starts doing all that little shit, they in love."
"Oh so he's older? That actually explains a lot."
"Yeap my girl got her an Unc!"
"Shut up! He's not that old, at least I don't think he is."
"Who is this dude?"
"I forgot you're never around when shit happens so you gotta get caught up." Tre mentioned. "I don't really know him like that but John seems like one of those dudes that's really nice but he also seems like his search history is full of ebony porn. That's what he gives me." He joked.
"Tre shut up!" You threw a pillow at him, not able to conceal your laugh. Without regard to your response, you think it's good that your friends are trying to counter your anxious mood with positivity and humor.
"You been MIA for thirty years!"
"That's because his old lady keeps him locked up in the house."
"Hell no. I just get a lot of overtime at work, that's all."
"You a goddamn lie! Cece stays holding you hostage." Tre sneered. "I damn near have to sneak you out the house."
"Well, he's not the only one that couldn't get out." Jasmine blinked, turning her head as you gave her a look.
"Is that shade?"
Jasmine sucked her teeth. "Tre stop being messy."
"That's you!"
Jeremy posed the next important question, his forehead creasing with concern. "So what you gon break it off with him?
You turned so quickly you almost lost your balance. "Nobody said that! Let's not get too carried away!" You cried, almost offended that he would ask such a question.
"We haven't talked that much since last night. It's awkward as hell. He apologized to me but…"
"But you're not over it?" Jasmine implied.
"Pretty much. When I brought it up the first time he said that we'd talk about it later, then when later came, he basically said now wasn't a good time. To me, it's like he's trying to avoid being out in public with me or something."
You'd give anything to know the real reasoning behind it. The lack of communication associated with it might be a major factor behind it. It's already been made obvious that he's hiding something but for what reason would he feel the need to withhold anything from you. Nothing makes sense. There could be a number of reasons why he said no that you aren't aware of. The real problem was that he doesn't feel the need to divulge any of them to you. Being transparent can make or break any relationship, romantic or platonic. And you can be very understanding when the time calls for it.
"So you took it as never." Jasmine added.
"Yeah."
"Sounds about right."
Visibly deflating, you fell back on Alexis' bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Am I overreacting? I need to know." Your voice rising and falling with emotion.
Jasmine gave you a contemplating look. "You could be but at the same time, I don't know a good reason why a man shouldn't want to take you out and y'all been talking for that long."
The doubtful elucidation from her didn't get you any closer to finding out if you were justified in your feelings and reaction.
"Imma keep it a hundred with y'all I don't feel like I'm asking for anything over the top."
"I don't think so either." Alexis said, inclining her head in agreement. "Tre? Jeremy? We need some male input here."
Tre finally looked up from rolling the joint on the tray in his lap. "From my experience, that could mean one of two things. They got something to hide or they ain't shit."
Needless to say, you're even less than thrilled to hear that assumption.
Jasmine threw back her entire cup of liquor. "I do know one thing though...you being dramatic after being told no is very on brand."
"Dramatic as fuck." Everyone said in unison.
A rush of air escaped your nose since you had your mouth clamped shut and you rolled your eyes. Apparently, they knew you well.
Like any good friends, they couldn't stand the thought of you getting less than you desire any more than you can. They might be harsh as hell in their assumptions but you have to agree. Having a crisis because John told you no is wildly childish. In spite of that, you're not just upset that he said no, you're more concerned that he hasn't provided a reason why. The whole thing was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
You refused the joint offered to you. Smoking can't dull how you feel and you've never been much of a smoker anyway. Your lungs aren't shit. The blunt was then passed to Alexis who was all too happy to accept it.
"Doesn't your job do random drug testing?" You interrogated, your brows coming together in your confusion.
Alexis shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah but it's not like they're gonna fire me."
"I think you gotta look at it from both perspectives though." Jeremy clarified, scrolling on his phone. "You're entitled to feel how you want but he is too."
"Fuck all that! He does everything else, why can't he take her on a date?" Alexis asks, somewhat peeved at the advice being given. She would take your side no matter what happened but now you did care about anymore taking your side. You just wanted to get other perspectives besides yours. "I feel like he needs to do it, no if, ands, or buts about it. Especially with you being his girlfriend/ sugar baby and all."
You sighed, completely sick of having this same exchange with her. "I'm not his-"
"So like I was saying…" Alexis continued. "Did you throw some coochie on him? That usually works. Ain't that right Tre?"
"It's crazy to me that y'all women know how to use that as a weapon to make folks stupid. Y'all some evil little wanches."
Jasmine laughed aloud. "But that's how men think. It's literally coochie above everything."
"He probably has commitment issues. Taking somebody on a date can be seen as a type of commitment." Jeremy carefully explained. "If y'all ain't really together like that then you can't really get mad."
"Do you think y'all are moving too fast for him?" Tre questions, his usually playful demeanor taking a more serious tone.
You thought about that question for a while before answering. "I don't know."
You hadn't considered that idea before. He's always been pretty intense about everything. You have to take into account that your friends know nothing about his occupation. Your relationship with him wasn't normal in any sense.
Were you asking too much of him? Were you being too entitled? Too needy?
It was entirely feasible but then again…'what' you were asking for was by definition daily attainable, so you refused to accept such a notion. Not when he had no issue enjoying your company so long as the two of you were away from prying eyes. You can't be anyone's secret. Funny thing is - you weren't sure if you could ever drop it since your problem is that you don't know how to forget shit. Whether you've been wronged or not. You know exactly what you want and you refuse to accept anything less than that.
If the two of you were to become more, how would the scenario pan out exactly?
You're totally affronted hearing the words considering what happened last night. But Jeremy was right. You and John were not and have never been an item. Which makes your feelings and actions after the fact all the more unreasonable. And yet, these were all things you knew well before you came to your friends with the issue.
"I just feel like I deserve-"
"I deserveeee!" Alexis sang, sounding exactly like Momma Dee. "I deserved to be loved!"
Everyone in the room including you burst into a fit of laughter. It wasn't what she said, it was more about the randomness of the outburst and hse probably wasn't even trying to be funny. Nonetheless, it still didn't keep you from snorting.
"Girl shut the fuck up, I'm trying to be serious and you playin!" You shouted, jumping over the bed to grip her around the neck while she cackled.
"Nobody is in the wrong in this situation. It's all a matter of perspective."
This is what you need though, you like being around people that can make you cry laughing even in your worst moments. You could be laying on your deathbed preparing to meet Jesus and your friends would make the homegoing entertaining. They can never take anything serious and why you always lay your problems out to them is one big conundrum. You guess that's what friends are for.
"Nobody has to be wrong, I don't have any issue with that. It's just..."
"Just what? _, look I'm sick of you doing all this whining about this man as bold as you are. He got bitches approaching you at hotels and shit. When somebody step wrong, bitch you need to step right!" Tre argued.
"And do!" Alexis said.
The banter between them didn't distract you as much as you thought it could. But most of all, you can't run every time something happens. Most of all, you fear that you've gotten to that stage you'd once been warned about concerning relationships like yours. The 'I don't want to be a secret anymore' stage, when a person is dealing with someone they already shouldn't have been dealing with in the first place and end up falling in love. As of now, you can't say the relationship is wholly centered around sex because you know that's never been the case even from the beginning. That might've been how it started but the relationship has long since molded into something else entirely. There wasn't any way that you only existed in his world because of sexual attraction and an instinctual desire to satisfy his sexual needs. The mere thought was devastating.
"I say just just charge it to the game. It's not like you're desperate." Jeremy remarked. "If he's rocking with you like they say he is then I say just wait it out. You're probably jumping to conclusions for nothing."
His response mars the expectation you had in the back of your mind and a painful pressure settles in your left temple. You were starting not to appreciate their honesty even after you specifically requested that they be brutally honest because you needed to hear the truth. Even if that truth hurts your feelings even worse or not.
"I agree. I'm getting real sick of you always getting in your feelings. You used to cuss motherfukas out for wasting your time and now you soft as hell!" Tre admonishes.
"Plus you like to take shit and run with it. Stop doing that, that will fuck up a relationship quick. You need to learn to get out your heart. Everything isn't about you."
The bluntness doesn't surprise you. Like Alexis, Tre doesn't care what comes out of his mouth. He doesn't have to give it any thought before he speaks. Everything he says is usually unfiltered. But in this instance he's totally right. You've changed a lot and you're not sure it's for the better. You would not be going through this with any other man - not willing to tolerate it in any capacity. For this reason alone, you have to pull yourself together and stop letting every little mishap get to you.
In John's defense, you both were fully embroiled in a secret relationship that has been going on for months. Perhaps he wished that it would remain just that. In that case, it could very well mean that he was definitely hiding you and that he values his private life and those he gets close to. Bottom line, you can't get angry with him denying you. He's shown that he cares for you but doesn't feel obligated to take it up a notch. The idea is terribly unsettling for the most part and you would do anything to get rid of that crippling anxiety out of your system. Being both worried and upset isn't a good combination.
Sometimes no answer is better than the actual answer itself.
You tolerated your friend's antics for at least another two hours before you made the decision to head back to John's house. You waited in your car for about ten minutes while you mentally prepared yourself to face him only to be relieved to find out that he wasn't even home.
The steam from your shower had fogged up the mirror, warranting you to have to wipe some of the moisture away for you to be able to see your own reflection. When you scanned the bathroom counter, something strange managed to catch your immediate attention.
When had -
That's weird. You don't remember leaving the empty bottle of leave-in conditioner on the counter. In fact, you were sure you'd thrown it away. As you pick up a second mysterious bottle sitting next to it, the weight of it surprises you. The bottle was not empty but full, as though it was brand new. It takes you a minute to realize that your hair products have been replenished twice over and you mentally winced. No. He didn't. Did he? He actually thought of you enough to go restock all your depleting hair products from shampoo to leave-in conditioner. Visualizing him in the store purchasing hair products is kinda sweet and hilarious all at once and a smile appears on your lips before you can stop it. You have to store this right at the top of your list with all his other thoughtful deeds.
By default, seeing the products on the counter makes you feel looked after - like he pays more attention than you give him credit for. It's small things like these that make you forget the man is a skilled killer. And it also makes it hard for you to keep up your attitude.
From the corner of your peripheral, a tall shadow appeared over the space and you nearly flinched upon noticing the man standing there in the doorway. An unnatural calmness covers you from head to toe and you subconsciously wrap the towel tighter around your body. Obviously you didn't expect to have to face him so soon. Carrying on with a continuous cycle of inadvertently avoiding him isn't what you want to happen. Last time, you did it intentionally and you ended up miserable for a week.
He stood in the doorway just like the night before only now you know it's for a different reason. You reckon he wants to talk more about last night but you weren't really in the mood to rehash the issue all over again. He said what he said and it can be left at that. Nevertheless, you make a point to try and put a handle on your morbid anxiety and give you peace of mind. For that to happen, you had to face whatever this was about head on and stop trying to run. Besides, John is blocking the only exit to the bathroom and you have no hope of getting past him, so you just stand awkwardly in front of the mirror, unsure of what to do next. Your heart wanted to embrace him but your mind kept you rooted to the spot. It's very puzzling.
You suppose you should say something about him purchasing you new hair products but what comes out of your mouth is vastly different than what you had planned.
"Hey um...I want to apologize about what happened at dinner yesterday and about how I've been acting. Of all the things you've done for me, it was selfish of me." You explained, cheeks heated with embarrassment. "I realize now that there are things you might not be comfortable with just yet and I have to respect that."
"Is there something you need?" You asked, your tone level and hinting at nothing. Though having acknowledged his presence, you still chose not to face him.
Finding out what the man might be thinking must be harder than locating the Ark of the Covenant. You couldn't see it happening. Another contentious confrontation is something you want to evade at all costs. It's been mentally exhausting for you as it was and you'd rather not add to it.
He urged you in that soft, measured timbre that had your brows furrowing in confusion. "I would like you to get dressed."
Though you planned to get dressed after your shower anyway, that line took you entirely by surprise and it ultimately forced your eyes to shoot up to meet his. John rarely demanded anything of you. Not to mention that the request from him implied that you might be leaving the house. Though you could be wrong on that assumption. Regardless, there's an uptake on your heartbeat.
It goes completely silent in the bathroom as you gazed steady into those calm, inquisitive orbs. The heat in the bathroom was slowly dissipating largely in part to the bathroom door being open.
God, why are you shaking?
It would seem that this time, he would not allow you to give him the cold shoulder. Honestly, you should've questioned it...but what good would it do? You've grown tired of not talking to him, of being upset with him. Eventually, you both had to reach a middle ground at some point.
Sensing that uncertainty, John stepped smoothly in the space, only stopping when he was close. "Come." He dictated, holding out hand for you to take.
Straight away, you took in another breath of hesitation, your mind racing. Seeing the hand offer to you in such a manner was making you anxious and not in a good way.
Naturally, you hesitated, lips pressing into a straight line. You wanted so badly to challenge his insistence as you're still feeling a bit defensive but the hard glint embedded in his eyes dictated otherwise. There's no point in fighting with him on it.
You suppose you can indulge him for the time being. What's the worst that can happen? "Okay." You said, sliding your hand into his.
Tumblr: teejaywyatt.1