Author's Note: So, this is inspired by my observation on Twitter regarding Kathy's last scene, combined with some recent discussion of how the men in Olivia's life tend to leave. Just a little angsty ficlet taking place during the hospital scene.
Mentions of canon Benson/Cassidy, Benson/Tucker, as well as Barba and Stone. They don't play enough of a part in the story to be tagged, but they're all there. Lines of dialogue snipped from 15x19 "Downloaded Child," 18x08 "Chasing Theo," 19x12 "The Undiscovered Country," 20x24 "End Game," and of course, 22x09 "Return of the Prodigal Son."
Title and lyrics come from the song "I Feel Fine" by Nine Days, which feels like a very appropriate song for Olivia pre-letter.
It'd been over ten years since the last time she'd seen Kathy Stabler in the flesh, and here she was, laying in a hospital bed, fighting for her life that had nearly been ripped away and still could be. It was surreal, almost, to be standing in the same room as Kathy – and Elliot – as if no time had passed, instead of the trying decade that had. Kathy could claim they were in sync all she wanted, but she felt as though they had never been more painfully out of sync than they were at that moment.
Ten years apart would do that to anyone.
"I'm okay," Kathy managed to murmur, between labored, pained breaths, in response to Elliot's inquiry as to her condition. "I'm just so tired."
She saw a flicker of concern in Elliot's eyes, as he started muttering constant reassurances to her, as he stroked the planes of her forehead with the pad of his thumb, slow and sweet. Okay, you're going to be okay, let's get some sleep.
As she walked out of the room, to give them a measure of privacy – there were so many things that Elliot probably wanted to say to Kathy that she didn't need to hear – she saw his lips gently descend and press against her hairline.
No – oh, God, no, Elliot, anything but that. Not the forehead.
He had no way of knowing her previous history with the gesture; it'd been a cosmic joke that'd plagued her only in his absence, an additional curse to add to her burden of eternal solitude. At work, she had a family, but when she went home – now, she had Noah, of course, but before Noah, the only thing drawing her back to her apartment most nights was the promise of a warm, comfortable bed and basic privacy.
Because every time she let a guy get close to her since Elliot left – Brian, Ed, Rafael – they'd all left her, parting with a brief, tender, yet ultimately fleeting, kiss to her forehead and some sort of a declaration.
"You opened my heart, and I thank you for it." And Rafael left her on the steps outside the courthouse – those cursed steps, where all bad things go to happen.
It'd happened on those same steps with Peter, even though he'd never kissed her forehead – for a moment, it'd looked like he might, before he walked away, and that might have broken her entirely. "You became more important to me than the case I was trying." And Peter left her on the steps too, wondering where it all went wrong again.
"I love you." And Brian walked away, down the street, and out of her orbit, though he temporarily had made his presence known a few more times, enough for her to be reassured that her own personal Peter Pan was still searching in vain for his Never-Never-Land.
"Take care of yourself, Olivia Benson." And he left her apartment, leaving her to take care of herself and Noah on her own. And though they'd seen each other a handful of times after, and before his death, it was never going to be the same between them.
She couldn't hear whatever his declaration, though she could imagine what sweet words he might whisper to her, soothe her to go to sleep and take it easy on her weary, battered body that had been through such an immense trauma.
Something told her that once she turned away from the window – once she allowed herself to put one foot in front of the other and begin the slow, deliberate process of walking away – she wouldn't see Kathy Stabler alive again, in this lifetime.
She knew better. Nothing was ever the same after a kiss on the forehead – a peck, a smoothing back of the fine, wispy baby hairs that littered the temple. It was a sign of a fundamental shift in the understanding of the relationship.
What it really was, was a fond farewell.
She turned on her heel and began to walk down the hallway, to a little seating alcove she'd seen when they first came in.
There was no need to intrude on what could possibly be Elliot's last moments with his wife. She didn't have that right – definitely not now, though she doubted she would have ever had that right. Her and Kathy were friendly enough, but not bosom buddies. That probably would have driven Elliot right up a wall – she should have done it.
There was a difference between this kiss and all the others – they'd all left. And Elliot – she didn't know if he was staying or going back to Rome, but whatever his plans had been, what'd happened would obviously change them quite a bit. Maybe it would be a reversal, of sorts. The others left, but maybe Elliot would stay.
Their story wasn't over; it'd always been left with blank pages that seemed, at least until earlier that evening, like they'd forever go unfilled.
But Elliot, for all his faults, never said goodbye to her. Not like that. Not in the only way that seemed to count for anything.
She'd fight like hell to never have Elliot kiss her forehead, if she had anything to say about it.
Because then, and maybe only truly then, would he be out of her life for good.
Long ago I dreamt of you
the memories are nothing new to me
and now you're coming back to me
"I Feel Fine" – Nine Days
-fini-
Author's Note: For more occasional observations and EO fun, follow me on Twitter kaleidowhirl.