CHAPTER 31: MOSTLY ALIVE

In "The Princess Bride," Westley mostly survives a pirate attack, a duel with a master swordsman, a wrestling match with a giant, cocktails with a poisoner, a stroll through the fireswamp, and a romp through a zoo of death.

MORAL: As it turns out, the difference between mostly dead and mostly alive is friendship and love.

Kaiba had dressed for battle. His floor-length midnight blue greatcoat – from the top of its oversized lapels and cuffs to the tips of its flared hem – was weighted down with silver braid and neon blue LED lights. Crystals gleamed against its dark background, storm tossed beacons winking in and out with every gesture. A black turtleneck peeked out from behind the coat's high collar and along Kaiba's left arm; the coat's sleeve had been discarded to accommodate his duel disk. Black leather pants disappeared into black leather boots, completing the outfit. He was a techno god about to step onstage in a glitter-rock version of Les Mis, except Kaiba's determined face was truer and fiercer than anything even the best actor could offer.

Atem was his match. He was wearing the white linen tunic he'd arrived in, but the simplicity of the garment was belied by the brilliance of the gold that gleamed from his breastplate and the Puzzle that bounced against his chest. Gold dripped from his ears, encircled his biceps and wrists, traveled down the seams of his black leather pants and banded the white leather of his boots. It covered his back as he threw a crystal encrusted flared jacket across his shoulders in place of a cape. Even his duel disk glowed faintly yellow. The light streaming down from the skylight in the foyer caught every movement, revealing a living sun god, bathed in flames.

Kaiba drew in his breath at the sight. "Sometimes it seems the mere act of wanting something is enough to ensure it never happens." Kaiba's lips twisted in the parody of a smile. "Not much of a pep talk, is it? But if there's one thing I've learned it's that sometimes wanting is all we have to hang on to."

Atem nodded. "Twice I've focused on my mission, ignoring everything else, trying to pretend my own feelings didn't matter or worse, didn't exist at all. I was afraid their weight would slow me down. This time, whether it's a shield or a burden, I'm carrying my hopes and fears and desires with me."

Mokuba joined them downstairs. He was holding the purple silken pouch containing the Rod. Mokuba had dressed for the occasion in a pair of pale gray and light blue striped pants with a dark purple tie at the waist. The pants combined the ease of pajamas with the heaviness of cotton fleece. They were topped with a simple white T-Shirt sporting a baby Blue Eyes White Dragon wearing a yellow hard hat. Mokuba's oversized jacket was a swirl of blues and white, as if the buoyancy and turbulence of the ocean had been caught on cloth.

"Is that your new brand?" Atem asked.

"For today. I might change it tomorrow." Mokuba grinned at his brother. "Someone I respect told me it's okay if it takes a while to decide."

"Tomorrow is a good thing to fight for," Atem said as they left the mansion and walked down the marble front steps.

Isono was waiting outside with the limousine. The gang was milling around the Kaiba Corporation lobby when they arrived. Kaiba led them down to the basement level. He walked to the dueling arena at the end of the hallway, bypassing the one that held the cathedral he'd built to house Atem's avatar. It was an enormous room, but with the door closed and everyone inside, it felt overcrowded to Kaiba. But he believed in the right to revenge and everyone had earned their place.

"Run Egyptian Afterlife," Kaiba said.

The ceiling overhead turned to blue sky. They all looked up in surprise and then blinked in unison, momentarily blinded by an imaginary sun. The group spun like tops, each rotating a different way. They were standing in a field of reeds. In one direction, they could make out the outlines of a town, leading to a sandstone palace. In the other, a river flowed; they could hear its endless murmur.

Kaiba turned to Mokuba and nodded.

Everyone swallowed and shifted positions, bracing themselves for Shadi's arrival.

"Disable Crystal Cloud Network." Mokuba sounded short of breath, but his words were firm.

Mokuba looked around, then frowned. "Confirm Network status."

A computer voice droned, "Crystal Cloud Network is disabled."

Jounouchi whirled around trying to identify the speaker. They gang looked at each other and then glanced around, waiting for something to happen. They moved into small groups and whispered among themselves. How long should we wait? Why? You got somewhere better to go? Shouldn't Shadi be here by now? What if he doesn't show? We have Atem here. What if we were wrong?

Their theories got wilder. Their voices grew louder. Shadi arrived so quietly, it took the assorted group a minute to realize he was there.

"Interesting," Shadi said to Mokuba, as the babble around him broke off as sharply as if their words had been cut with a knife. "You've collected a lot of people. I wonder why? My compliments. It's not often I misjudge someone, especially one so young."

Mokuba nodded. "Your mistake. I get that you're used to manipulating kids, but when it comes to the Kaibas, young doesn't mean stupid."

Shadi ignored Mokuba, abruptly losing interest. He glanced at the assembled crowd. His gaze fell on Bakura. "Why have you returned to meddle once more?"

"You hurt my father. You almost killed him. You changed my life out of all recognition and I don't know why."

"You were a worthy vessel. The Spirit of the Ring had burned through so many hosts."

"That's it?" Bakura asked.

"A grenade doesn't care who the shrapnel hits," Kaiba said quietly.

"But you're not a grenade. You're a person. Or you were," Yugi said to Shadi.

"That was a long time ago," Shadi said.

But Yugi stood his ground. "Didn't you care about them? Diva, I mean, and the rest of the kids. You were raising them. They loved you."

Shadi looked puzzled. "I felt something whenever I was with them; it was rainfall in the desert. But love? Labels faded away a long time ago." His glance slipped past Mai, to focus on Isis, standing with her brothers. "Have you turned against me as well? Or are you here to stand by my side as your ancestor once did?"

Isis shook her head. Her voice was gentle as she told him, "I can't be the friend you remember. My link to the past is having been raised underground, isolated from my own countrymen." She gestured to the holographic world surrounding them. "This isn't my world. I can't live in a time I never knew. That's our connection: we both feel exiled from the streets we walk down every day, from the people that surround us."

At her words, Shadi surveyed his surroundings closely for the first time, taking in the fields and river, the town in the distance. He drew in a sharp breath. His face darkened. He faced Atem. "How dare you taunt me with the world I've longed to see for millennia? A world I can barely remember, even in my dreams?"

"How is this different from showing Pegasus a vision of his wife?" Atem said sternly. "But no taunt was intended."

Kaiba snorted. "Or at least, not much of one."

"Not helpful, Nisama," Mokuba whispered.

Atem ignored them. "If your goal is paradise, this is simply a reminder that on your way there, this world isn't your playground to rampage through as you will."

"I have no goals beyond my mission anymore! You saw to that! This isn't your world, either! I wasn't the one who broke faith first!"

Atem frowned. "Now that I've regained my memories, I remember you being part of my council; I remember you being my friend."

"I remember nothing, And the brief glimpses I get of other people and places and times only serve to goad me with my own losses and failures," Shadi spat out. "I am following your lead, Pharaoh, as I ever have. I am bound. I cannot rest… none of us can until you are at rest, yourself. That has been my mission throughout the years."

"I have obeyed every dictate! I went to the Netherworld without question, with barely a pause, without even stopping long enough to say goodbye to the people that needed to hear it."

"But you are not at peace."

"Once I would have agreed with you that it was my fate to leave." Atem paused. Then he chuckled and added, "Once I did. But the Netherworld is an address, not an identity. Somewhere, in 3,000 years, you have taken the wrong path. But as I have learned, no decision is irrevocable."

Shadi paused. Pegasus had used almost the same worlds. So had Isis. Where had they been millennia ago, when he might have listened? "It's too late for me. Your destruction will be a peace of sorts. I'm sorry as well. Enough talk. It's time to set the penalty game in motion." Shadi surveyed the room and laughed. "You really do need a cheerleading squad, don't you? I assume that you three – no excuse me – you four, now that one of you is no longer a two for one package…" Shadi said, gesturing to Yugi, Atem, Kaiba and Jounouchi, "are my opponents? Either way, it's time for my penalty game to begin." He chuckled. "And four seems an appropriate number."

Jounouchi gulped. "If you're trying to paint yourself as the good guy, picking a death number like 4 isn't exactly the way to go. Everyone knows it's unlucky!"

"What are we fighting over but death and the hereafter? But the number 4 has an older, truer meaning. It is the number for the Earth which we all – even pharaohs – must leave, it is the number of the canopic jars that hold our organs in readiness for the afterlife, it is the number of Ma'at's plinth, the base on which the pharaoh's throne rests, for they must embody her four great principles: truth, justice, balance and order." Shadi faced Atem. "Or have you forgotten that along with your destiny?"

"Just as a number can hold more than one meaning through the ages, I can hold more than one set of friends, more than one world in my heart. As you said, Ma'at decrees balance in all things."

Shadi scowled. "Enough fencing. When I win, it will be time for you to return, and this time it will be forever."

Atem smirked. "When we win, your meddling – with this world and with me – will cease."

"Agreed," Shadi snarled. "Step forward so we can finish this!"

Kaiba leapt forward, duel disk already out.

Shadi laughed. "You're not using the Rod? I know you have it."

"My brother can take you down all on his own!" Mokuba shouted.

"Your predecessor would not have hesitated," Shadi observed.

"That's his problem. I have a brother. I have a dragon. I have everything I need. And I've faced and beaten tougher foes than you."

Shadi's lip curled. "Name one."

Kaiba laughed. "Myself."

Atem and Yugi walked up to Kaiba. Jounouchi and Mai moved forward at the same time. Jounouchi bowed to her and took a step back. He grinned. "You never got a chance to face down the guy who thought giving the Rod to Malik was a good idea. Well, here it is. Just promise to kick some Shadi butt for me!"

Mai laughed. "I promise!" she called over her shoulder as she joined the other three. She flashed a celebrity bright smile at Shadi, then posed with her duel disk held out.

Shadi narrowed his eyes as if that would bring her identity into focus.

"You don't even know who I am, do you?" Mai laughed and tossed her long blond hair back with a shake of her head. "That figures. I'll make it simple enough for even a millennia old ghost to understand. You fucked with Malik's head and then he fucked with mine. Think of it as a ricochet." She laughed. "What a joke. You ended up screwing me over and you don't even know my name."

"That he doesn't remember the names of the people he's destroyed is his dishonor, not yours," Atem said.

"Who are any of you to talk of honor?" Shadi snapped.

"I may not know much about honor," Bakura said, "but I do know what it's like to want to disappear, to simply long not to be, anymore."

"Did I say that?" Shadi hissed.

"No, but it's what you're feeling, isn't it? Like, maybe if you just do this, it won't hurt."

"Enough stalling," Shadi said.

"It's time to duel," Yugi and Atem agreed in unison. They held out their duel disks, looked at each other and smiled.

"Any time you're ready, big guy," Jounouchi called out. "We're all here to see you fall."

Shadi smiled, although he didn't bother turning around. "In my proper time, I've conjured monsters from stone. I'm sure I can do the same from light." Five cards appeared in front of him. Their patterned backs faced his opponents and their friends, seeming to mock Kaiba's technology with their presence.

They flinched, expecting the shadowy mists and purple aura of a penalty game, but the air was as clear as ever.

Shadi whirled around. "What deceit is this? After promising a penalty game have you enabled your shield again? Was this a lie from the beginning, once you realized the price you will pay for losing?"

"Are you accusing me of cheating? On a duel?" Kaiba bellowed. "I supplied the setting, the hocus pocus was your department. Now finish your turn or admit that sneaking up on people to steal their memories or playing head games on my brother is more your style than facing us with a duelist's honor."

Shadi narrowed his eyes as he studied Kaiba. He nodded curtly and scanned his hand. One card disappeared and Beckoned by the World Chalice's weary warrior appeared before them. Two cards appeared face down on the ground in front of Shadi.

Kaiba grunted and set his own monster in response.

The others followed suit. They played through a few turns, increasingly sure something was wrong. A sense of anti-climax, a feeling that each monster was meaningless grew with every exchange. They didn't stop. Their conviction arose with each draw only to be instantly dismissed by the battle phase. Inertia was the true winner, pulling them onwards, not letting them pause, even for thought. It was almost a relief when Atem played Swords of Revealing Light and Shadi countered with Swords of Burning Light preventing any of them from attacking.

"This is a farce not a penalty game!" Shadi cried out. "There is no air of finality here, no feeling of magic. Why isn't this working?"

"Search me," Jounouchi said, his voice clearly carrying over to the duelists. "Dude… I never got how penalty games worked in the first place, and now you expect me to know why it stopped?"

Shadi turned to glare at Jounouchi.

Anzu put her hands on her hips. "Don't look at him like that. Jounouchi's right." She shook her head. "For someone who's spent so much time mucking around inside of other people's heads, you seem pretty clueless about your own. This is your game. If you want to know what went wrong, you need to know what was the point in the first place, if there was one."

"Of course, there was! Penalty games exist to punish transgressors, those who break Ma'at's laws, who seek to destroy balance and upset order," Shadi shouted in outrage.

"I call bullshit on that one," Mai said. "I dueled with honor. According to you, that should have protected me. It didn't. It just hurt. Any fine words you want to add are just window dressing."

"Millennium Items are power," Kaiba said. "And like any other form of power, they can be used or misused according to the will of the wielder. Penalty games are mindless predators. And like any predator they go for the soft underbelly – our darkest beliefs, our deepest fears, the despair that stares back at us from the mirror."

"And then they trap us there," Mai said softly, no longer speaking solely to Shadi. "Penalty games deny that we can change; that we can grow. But we can. And not even a penalty game can stop that."

"Atem and I dueled once for life and death," Yugi said. "We thought it would decide things forever. It didn't. I'm glad it didn't. Because it wasn't the ending we wanted. I'm glad we got a second chance."

"For so long, I thought I was to blame," Mai said suddenly. "That it had happened because of something I did... that if I'd just been stronger, I could have fought it off. I tortured myself as effectively as Malik did. When his penalty game ended, I just picked up where he left off."

"You're trapped too, aren't you?" Yugi asked Shadi, suddenly. "The difference is you won't admit it."

"I'll be free once I've won!" Shadi screamed.

"Free to do what? Disappear?" Yugi asked.

"You just keep telling yourself that," Kaiba said. "See how it works out for you."

"Be silent! You know nothing!" Shadi snapped.

Kaiba laughed. "You're talking to someone who has been playing penalty games since he was eight years old. They force us to face the emptiness at our core. Have you ever looked that deep? Or were you afraid? Because once you have, a penalty game's just a jump scare that's lost its shock value." Kaiba shook his head. "The one thing I learned from surviving is that I know how to survive. Go ahead. Do your worst." He turned to Atem and repeated the words he'd said right before they'd made love for the first time in his holographic cathedral: "Destroy me. I'll rebuild myself from the inside, better and stronger than ever."

"Seto," Atem breathed, staring at Kaiba as though everyone else had vanished, as though Kaiba was standing, naked, bathed in a shower of colored light raining down from imaginary stained-glass windows filtering the illusion of the sun.

Shadi's lip curled. "Seto? Are you willing to settle for this pale copy?"

Kaiba almost boasted, "Yeah, but I'm the one he came back for," but he was done shouting his jealousies and resentments to strangers, now that he had Atem's ear. Kaiba settled for snorting loudly.

Shadi ignored him. "You do realize that he isn't your high priest?" he asked Atem.

Atem smiled. "Oh, yes. Do you?"

Atem felt a thrill run through him at the momentarily lost look on Shadi's face. He remembered their first shadow game. Maybe Shadi still had the same flaws. "You miss him, don't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't need anyone else to see this through."

Kaiba snorted. "The hits just keep coming. I'm not surprised you've been playing a penalty game for 3,000 years without catching a clue."

"My intentions…" Shadi started.

"Don't mean shit," Kaiba shot back. "Everyone has good intentions – or at least that's what we tell ourselves. It's what you do that counts."

"Sometimes, people get lost along the way," Yugi said.

"I followed a path that would have led to the ruin of everything, because it was familiar, because I didn't know I could find another road." Isis added. "I can't believe that's what the gods intended for us."

Atem now knew exactly what he had to do, what to play next. There was no time for conversation, no way to warn his partners without Shadi overhearing. He glanced at them, his gaze lingering longest on Kaiba, before turning to face Shadi once again.

"I'm sorry," Atem said to Shadi. "But your mission can not be to force me to be less than true to myself. No penalty game can encompass that. I followed the fate laid out for me. I tried to convince myself it was all I wanted." He smiled at Mai, "I blamed myself when it wasn't. I was stuck – not in a place but within myself – and having freed myself once, no penalty game can imprison me again." Atem turned to Kaiba. "The past matters. But we can't stop there." He came full circle to face Shadi again. "Penalty games don't determine the future. They can't. But I will find an ending that satisfies all our missions."

"Do you even have a plan?" Kaiba interrupted.

"Do you trust me?"

Kabia grinned. "If you're falling back on that, I'm guessing the answer to the plan thing is, 'No.'"

"As usual, you'd be wrong." Atem reached into his inside jacket pocket and pulled out the Eye, still wrapped in red silk. He'd called to Horakhty before, to plead for the answers he'd needed to discover for himself. Now, Atem held the Eye in front of him and began chanting an invocation to the goddess who called him her "little pharaoh," to the goddess who kept insisting he was hers.

"Do you think any god can hear you through the dimensions? I have prayed and begged and finally screamed to them for centuries! Our words have no power in this unbelieving world!"

Atem flashed his confident grin. "Are you sure about that?"

"There is nothing left for us here!" Shadi cried out. "I would join my prayers to yours, if I hadn't repeated them in hope, in anger, in unending despair until the words turned to ash in my throat, taking my memory of the comfort of the gods with them."

Even as Shadi was speaking, a golden light grew around them. Horakhty appeared, arms outstretched in welcome, shining solid gold.

"Goddess," Shadi whispered as he stretched out on the ground before her.

.

Thanks to Bnomiko for betaing this chapter and helping me sort things out clearly.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: When I first started drafting this, I automatically assumed they would duel Shadi in a penalty game, because it's a Yu-Gi-Oh! Story. But the more I thought about it, the more that felt wrong. The story starts with a duel that's supposed to settle everything and does nothing of the sort because a duel couldn't stop Kaiba from missing Atem or stop Atem from realizing he wanted something more. For me, so much of this story is about people being stuck within who they think they should be and what they think they should want – and learning to break free of that – and I wanted this chapter to reflect that.

And yes, I was imagining Kaiba as Javert in my imaginary glitter rock opera.

Especially now, it's really nice to hear from people and know that people are still reading and enjoying the story.

Stay safe everyone!

SOCIAL MEDIA NOTE: I am on Tumblr, Dreamwidth and Pillowfort as Nenya85. Come check me out there!

To paraphrase Louise Rosenblatt, "A story's just ink on the page until a reader comes along to give it life." This is my way of saying that I'd really like to hear what you think. Please comment.