We're Broke! Please Give Us Money! Chapter 3, a nier fanfic

A/N: Hello everyone! Today I present to you yet another installment of this craziness! I'm happy that those of you who have read and reviewed so far are enjoying this bonkers story. Thank you for reading. Writing this one is a big stress reliever for me, and I hope it's something that can bring some much needed laughter to all of you too. Once again, please note that this story has nothing to do with my other NieR stories. This one is just for fun! Also, this chapter is the most insane yet...and trust me when I say it's only going to get crazier from here. Best wishes to you all! God bless you guys!

Disclaimer: NieR: Automata is a fabulous video game from the creative (and wild) mind of Yoko Taro. He was aided by the staff of Platinum Games to put this fabulous work of art together along with other notable staff from Square Enix that would take too long to actually research and list properly. You get the point anyway. It doesn't belong to me. Be glad it doesn't...because this chapter is just all kinds of silly.

Warnings: Major fourth-wall breaking, intentional out of character moments, and...well I can't spoil all the surprises now can I? This one is bizarre. That's all you really need to know. Also, if you guys notice any major grammar stuff that's off, please feel free to let me know. In letting my imagination run rampant in humor stories, I often gloss over the finer details in terms of editing. Luckily, Fanfiction has the benefit of one being able to fix things after a chapter has already been posted. So yeah, if anything is off and you notice it, please clue me in and I'll fix it right up!

We're Broke! Please Give Us Money!
-3-

In a time before a malicious virus coated the Earth in despair and death...

Wait. That's way too close to the buffoonery of the real world for comfort. This is supposed to be a humorous story. My apologies. Let me re-write this script a bit. There'll be no real world shenanigans here! No sir!

...

Let's see, we'll do some tweaking here...

...

A little sneaky reference fun here...

...

Okay. That looks better.

Ahem...

Before the world fell to ruin by some unknown misfortune that led to the desperate and foolhardy invention of the Gestalt project, humans experienced a plethora of interesting circumstances in their day to day lives. Some of these events were positive. Others negative. Most fell somewhere in between.

In short, in the days before they met their unfortunate fate, life handed humanity all sorts of bizarre adventures.

And yes dear reader, that was a Jojo's reference. If you don't get it, don't ask. We've broken the fourth wall enough as it is...

"2B! IT'S GONNA EAT ME!"

...

"Not if I can help it! Whatever you do, don't let go of my hand!"

"OH SURE! THAT'S GREAT ADVICE! I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT! I WAS JUST GOING TO LET GO AND LET THIS THING HAVE ITS WAY WITH ME! I MEAN REALLY! I'M JUST ITCHING TO GET EATEN!"

"9S, this is hardly the time for sarcasm..."

"IT'S NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO CHASTISE ME EITHER, BUT HERE WE ARE MS. WE'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE CATCH A BASKING SHARK! YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE I LOVE YOU DOES NOT MEAN I CAN'T GET ANGRY WITH YOU...WHICH I AM BY THE WAY!"

"We wouldn't even be in this mess if you had been more responsible with our money!"

"OH SURE! JUST THROW MY MISTAKES BACK IN MY FACE! WHAT ABOUT YOUR RECKLESSNESS! I ONLY DAMAGED MY FLIGHT UNIT DURING THAT FACTORY ATTACK! BUT YOU DESTROYED TWO! SO WHOSE FAULT IS IT NOW, 2B!? WHOSE FAULT IS IT NOW!?"

...

Okay what is this all about?

"Human flesh. So soft. So tasty. I'm going to have fun with you, boy."

"AAAAH! ITS TENTACLES ARE SLIDING UP MY LEG, 2B! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

The current predicament of the two YoRHa Units is one that requires...some form of an explanation.

Not sure if I can give it though.

"MUAHAHAHA! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY WRATH, MORTAL!"

"Crap, I don't think I can hold on!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAN HOLD ON!"

"Exactly what I just said, 9S! My balance parameters are slipping!"

"POD! DO SOMETHING!"

"Negative, we Tactical Support Units are unable to assist due to the activation of an emergency program known as self-preservation."

"To put it in human terms, it is every man for himself."

"Oh! For the love of..."

Okay. Okay. Let's press the rewind button and figure out how our favorite android duo ended up in this incredible mess of circumstances.

Approximately thirty minutes earlier, 2B and 9S were peacefully fishing for Basking Sharks in the seas of the Flooded City. A comfortable silence settled between them while their pods, 042 and 153 respectively, floated along the waters. At that point, they had managed to catch a few mackerel and one blowfish, making this result ten times better than what 9S had been able to do on his own the previous week.

However, despite what others might call a fairly successful fishing trip, the two androids weren't exactly pleased.

"We've been here for almost an hour," 9S observed, glancing at the corner of his HUD screen as he sent 153 out into the waters again.

"And no sharks yet," 2B added impatiently. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she let out another sigh. "The big fish just aren't biting today. That happens sometimes." She motioned for 042 to return to her. The Pod brought back a Water Flea. Not a great result, but beggars can't be choosers as the old saying goes.

Scratching at the back of his head, 9S watched 153 emerge from the waters. It was also carrying a Water Flea.

"This just isn't our day," he said, pressing the "Stop Fishing" prompt on his screen. "Perhaps we should try elsewhere. I overheard one of the B-models talking about an oasis in the desert. Might be worth checking out. On the way we can use our Pods' scanners to find rare materials to sell."

2B nodded her agreement. "Sounds better than just sitting around."

Despite saying that, the beautiful combat model sent 042 back into the waves once more. 9S started to ask her why she'd sent the pod back into the ocean again, but one look at her scowl killed the notion to say anything.

"Man, I don't think I've ever seen 2B look so frustrated," he thought, scratching at the back of his head while observing her foot angrily tapping against the pavement. "The dire nature of our situation must really be eating her up inside."

As if to confirm his suspicions, 2B outright growled when 042 came back with yet another Water Flea.

"2B..."

"What is it?" she asked, flinging her arm out toward the sea again.

"Um...shouldn't we...I don't know...get going?" 9S paused for a moment, waiting for his partner to acknowledge him, but her focus was completely fixed on the sea.

"We just agreed on a plan," the Scanner continued, hoping for a response. He got none. The pod returned from the waters..

Another Water Flea was the reward.

9S groaned internally as 2B ordered 042 into the waves yet again. With bared teeth, she clutched at the folds of her skirt, waiting for the pod's body to sink beneath the surface.

"Just one," she muttered lowly. "At least give me one."

A fiery aura seemed to wrap itself around the combat model as she spoke, giving 9S the distinct impression that his stoic partner had forgotten the whole "Emotions are prohibited" mantra she liked to quote without end.

A half-hour went by like that. In that time, 2B only caught Water Fleas...

That is...until that final attempt.

"2B, we really should get a move on..."

The android in question had been on her feet for the last ten minutes. Her face was almost completely red with fury, and 9S was concerned about whether her ventilation systems were working properly. Her blood pressure was steadily climbing up the charts too.

But as he started to voice these worries, she sent a truly fearsome glare his way.

"We're not leaving until we get that shark! It's out there! I know it is, Nines!"

The sudden utterance of the nickname sent a shock through 9S, but if 2B noticed it she clearly didn't care. Right now she was a woman on a mission, and she refused to give up until that Basking Shark was in her possession.

"Pod, bring me something massive!" she shouted, pointing at the waves once more. "I don't want you coming out of that water unless it's freakin' huge!"

042 followed the order wordlessly since his speech functions were still shut off. 9S felt a twinge of pity for the tiny thing.

Taking a step back from 2B, the Scanner gently patted his pod as a show of appreciation. 153's ventilators hummed, indicating its gratitude for the gesture.

Of course...the amicable relationship between the boy and his pod was about to fly out the window.

Obeying the order of his master, 042 shook off anything small that grabbed at the lure, but after a few seconds, something yanked him down below the surface...something HUGE.

In fact, one would say it was FREAKIN' HUGE!

With a buzz of terror, the pod burst up from the water with so much speed that 2B and 9S immediately fell into combative stances.

"Warning: This Pod has detected the presence of an unknown biological entity beneath the waves. As per Unit 2B's order, I have come out of the water in response to this...freakin' huge...hostile lifeform."

Immediately following the Pod's warning, a single black tentacle lashed out of the waters and violently whipped 2B across the chest with so much force that she flew several feet backward.

"Gaaaaah!"

Her body hit the pavement with a harsh sounding slap.

"2B!"

Without missing a beat, 9S started running towards his partner...

But in rushing to check on 2B, the Scanner made the mistake of turning his back to the creature attacking them.

Another tentacle shot out from the water and quickly latched on to 9S' ankle. His expression instantly shifted from one of worry to breathless surprise upon feeling the tug at his ankle. With a yelp, he tripped and fell to the concrete face first.

"Gah! That...hurt." Lifting his face off the concrete, he quickly shook his head. "I better..."

Whatever he had planned to say next fades into the wind when the tentacle tugs at him, drawing his body toward the sea.

Groaning, 9S glances at 2B's motionless form. "I need to do something quick. She's totally defenseless."

"The cries of the Water Flea have summoned me from the depths of my resting place. For over a millennia I have laid dormant within these waters, listening to the desperate pleas of my sea brethren!"

The ominous voice was accompanied by a looming shadow, one so large it fell over 2B, 9S, and most of the area.

2B's collision with the pavement completely knocked out her visual feed, so when she finally started moving after having the wind thoroughly smacked out of her, she had no idea of the shadows stretching over the Flooded City at a rate most would find frightening.

But 9S could see it just fine. Poor guy.

"From this moment forth, I swear to avenge them! I shall consume you, just as humanity has consumed us!"

9S swallowed, his artificial heart dropping to his stomach as the tentacle around his ankle pulled him ever so slightly. Against his better judgement, the Scanner slowly rolls onto his back in order to gaze upon the creature casting the ridiculously massive shadow.

He regrets it immediately.

"Oh crap, oh no, oh God! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

Stumbling to her feet, 2B shakes her head without registering the words spoken by the sea monster. Her visual feed starts to return, but it's too off-kilter for her to really see what stands before them.

9S' screaming gives her a clue though.

"WHY!? WHY IS IT SO FREAKIN' HUGE!?"

Still shaken up from the smack-down this thing had given her, 2B runs toward the inky blob she assumes is 9S.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She mutters this while patting the ground around the blob for his hand.

"2B...don't tell me your visuals are lost?"

"Not lost," she mumbles, finally managing to grasp his wrist. "Just...damaged."

9S curses under his breath while inclining his gaze back on the giant, black sea octopus still rising out of the waves...but the thing was clearly a mutation as it had at least twenty tentacles and only had one disturbingly large eye-ball in the center of its head. This one eye sifted through several colors before settling on a a shade of crimson, indicating its intent to kill.

"Ah, it has been a long time since I have feasted on human flesh..."

The tentacle makes a sharp tug and 9S' hand slips out of 2B's grasp.

"2B! IT'S GONNA EAT ME!"

And thus, we have returned to the point in which we began.

"Not if I can help it!" the combat model replies, dashing forward to the inky image of 9S. With a yelp she grabs his right arm with both hands and pulls with the hope of beating the sea creature in a battle of strength...without a clue for how outclassed she really was. The octopus with twenty legs was at least fifteen times her size.

9S knew he was doomed, which is why he screamed loud enough to break the sound barrier, (not that he actually did but the hyperbole is fun, no?)

Though the screams of the Scanner model did not quite reach space, his howls of terror could be heard from the Resistance Camp where Devola and Popola were currently making preparations for a mission waiting for them in the desert.

"Goodness," Popola whispered, raising her hand to her chin. "Is that...9S?"

Devola merely laughed. "2B must be giving it to him good. About time."

Popola's expression fell into a harsh grimace. "Devola...I don't think it's that type of screaming."

"Well, either way it doesn't really concern us," the sassier twin stated, picking up her Type-3 Sword. "We got work to do, sis."

"But don't you suppose we should at least..."

"Nope."

"But..."

Devola flung an arm around her sister's shoulders. "Listen, if they need reinforcements they got YoRHa plus the Resistance forces here. We have business elsewhere, so let's get to it so I can drink my booze and get some shut-eye."

Popola let out a sigh of resignation as they began to make their way toward the ruins outside the camp. "I guess you make a fair point, but we should grab some materials for those Auto Heal chips we've been working on just in case."

"Good idea, sis. Besides, why interrupt the happy couple? Hehe!"

"Oh, Devola. Your mind is just stuck in the gutter, isn't it?"

During this whole exchange between the sisters, 9S was still screaming like a maniac back at the Flooded City, and 2B was certain she was going to lose her hearing any second if she didn't get him to stop. Of course, at this particular moment she's far more concerned with just saving his life.

"Whatever you do, don't let go of my hand," she tells him, pulling at his arm with a little more force.

"OH SURE! THAT'S GREAT ADVICE! I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT! I WAS JUST GOING TO LET GO AND LET THIS THING HAVE ITS WAY WITH ME! I MEAN REALLY! I'M JUST ITCHING TO GET EATEN!"

"9S, this is hardly the time for sarcasm..."

2B groaned while adjusting her grip so she was holding him by his armpits. "We wouldn't even be in this mess if you had been more responsible with our money!"

If 2B didn't hate killing him so much, she would have left him to his miserable fate right then. Tempted as she was to go through with the indirect murder anyway, she dug in her heels and flung one of arms around 9S' waist, hoping this would help her get a stronger hold on him.

She didn't know the sea monster was merely toying with them.

In fact, the sea creature was fighting a fit of full-blown hysterics because of 9S' continual screaming. The sound was so delightful to the monster that it decided to ramp up the Scanner's terror a little more, just for fun.

The tentacle loosened slightly around his ankle, and 9S almost let out a cry of joy, but then...

"Human flesh. So soft. So tasty. I'm going to have fun with you, boy."

By slow increments, the tentacle started to inch its way up the Scanner's leg.

He...did not react well to that sensation.

"AAAAH! ITS TENTACLES ARE SLIDING UP MY LEG, 2B! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

"MUAHAHAHA! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY WRATH, MORTAL!"

2B, who still couldn't see all that well, felt her feet sliding against the pavement as the monster began to pull on 9S a little more forcefully.

"Crap, I don't think I can hold on!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAN HOLD ON!"

"Exactly what I just said, 9S! My balance parameters are slipping!"

"POD! DO SOMETHING!"

From far above them, 153 spoke first.

"Negative, we Tactical Support Units are unable to assist due to the activation of an emergency program known as self-preservation."

"To put it in human terms, it is every man for himself." 042 echoed.

"Oh! For the love of..." 2B didn't bother to finish her sentence. "If I could see, I'd just hack the tentacle off 9S' leg."

Another tentacle stretched out from the waters, grasping 9S' other ankle. It too began to slither up his leg.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Another vicious tug from the sea creature brought 2B to her knees, but her grip on 9S held. He buried his face against her shoulder, whimpering like a small child. In response to his softer cries, 2B started blinking rapidly, trying her best to set her visuals right, but it was no use.

"9S, can you hack in and fix my visual feed?""

"I can try," he whispered, practically crying when he shakily started the hack sequence. The monster pulled at him again, interrupting the process while steadily dragging them both toward the edge of the nearly sunken building.

"N-nines...I'm sorry..."

9S stares up at his comrade with an expression of exasperation. "Yeah...next time I say let's get moving, we get moving. Sound good?"

"F-fair...enough."

"What a beautiful farewell between lovers."

Laughing vindictively, the monster yanked at 9S once more, ending his hack into 2B's systems from the pain the violent motion brought to his legs. The monster then sent yet another tentacle toward the duo. The thick appendage smacked 2B's shoulder, forcing her to loosen her hold while the tentacles around 9S' legs lifted him up from the concrete.

"AAAAAAAAH! "

"9S!" 2B stumbled forward blindly. She could hear the cries of her partner from somewhere above her.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" 9S screamed, dangling upside down in the air like a key-chain. "SAVE YOURSELF! LET'S HAVE THOSE KIDS IN MY NEXT LIFE, OKAY!"

"How sweet! Such a precious little boy. Perhaps I should let you live..."

9S tried and failed to look the sea creature in the eye. "Really? Because that would be great..."

"Nah, I much rather watch you writhe in agony just as my fellow sea creatures did when you ripped them from their homes and loved ones! How does it feel, human? HOW DOES IT FEEL!?"

"I'm not...oh whatever." 9S merely folded his arms in front of his chest, accepting his grim fate. "I don't think I'll mind losing these memories."

But 2B wasn't ready to give up hope just yet. Flinging out her wrist, she brought out Virtuous Contract from her storage and quickly moved into a combative stance. Her visual sensors, as out of whack as they were, provided just enough detail for her to differentiate between 9S and the loathsome creature.

"Release him!" she ordered, gritting her teeth.

"Or what, little girl?"

Without so much as a word, the combat model sprinted to the edge of the sunken building, nearly tripping on the way then hurled Virtuous Contract like a spear toward the largest of the blobs.

"Pathetic!"

The sea monster merely knocked the blade away with its tentacles. It flew several miles west where it would likely plummet to the bottom of the ocean.

2B sunk to her knees, having heard the telltale sound of her sword being deflected and tossed away.

It seems that our heroes are facing certain death...

However...

"CLANG!"

"Aaaaaah!" A medium-sized bipedal machine raised its arms in shock. "Captain! We're under attack!"

The Captain, a female machine with the appearance of an android glances at the white sword that had just pierced through the deck of her illustrious ship. Clicking her tongue in annoyance, she fixes her gaze on the giant octopus in the distance.

"Well, well," she murmurs, tipping her black pirate's hat back while rising from a plush, rose-colored chaise lounge that looked brand new. "Looks like this day is going to be interesting after all."

With steel-toed boots clacking against the wooden deck, the mysterious machine grasps the hilt of the familiar sword, yanking it out from the floorboards in one fierce movement. Examining it carefully, a truly wicked grin spreads across her face while her lone green eye transforms into a blood-red.

"Men! Prepare the cannons!"

A/N: This is probably the most off the wall thing I've written in ages, and on top of that, things end on a cliffhanger. Goodness, I have to stop torturing my readers with those. (Muhahahahahaha!) Anyway, that's all for today! Once more, thank you all for reading! I really appreciate it! If you're enjoying this story so far, feel free to leave your thoughts in a review. The reviews I've received thus far have been a great delight, so please keep them coming. Right now my mom is in the hospital and while she's expected to make a full recovery, things have been pretty insane around here. God is good though and I know He will get me and my family through the craziness. For those of you who believe in God and pray...well please pray for my mom. Not sure when the next update will be since I have yet to start the draft for the next chapter, but I have a basic idea in my head for how it's going to go so I'll probably be writing it soon. Stay tuned! Best wishes and God bless you all!

Additional Note: For those wondering about A2 and 4S, they'll be appearing in this story later. Not sure exactly when in terms of chapter number, but I have most of the draft for their chapter written out, so they'll be involved in this craziness soon enough.

Another Additional Note: Below are some NeiR stories of mine and a story suggestion from two other authors. Please feel free to check these out if any of them interest you.

Wretched Weaponry by TTY7 (Ongoing Story)
Androids were designed to protect their human masters? As if I'd believe that nonsense. They're nothing more than killing machines who gain sadistic pleasure from destruction. This one saving me doesn't change that fact. I'll never forgive them for what they've done and I won't rest until every last one of them is dead. (AU Timeline for DBZ) - Crossover NieR/DragonBall Z - Characters: A2, Future Trunks -Rated T (for now) - Chapters currently available: 2

Death is NieR by TTY7 (Ongoing Story)
I'm beyond saving. This whole rotten world is beyond saving, and I should have known that from the beginning. The last thing I remember is passing out in a warehouse while waiting for the inevitable heart attack Ryuk would deliver...yet here I am, alive, and wondering why this barbaric woman fights monsters in lingerie. [Rated M to be safe]
- Crossover NieR/Death Note. - Characters: Light Yagami, Kainé, Nier - Rated M - Chapters currently available: 1

The Many MANY Deaths of YoRHa Unit 9S by Getsunohimesama (Ongoing Story)
9S has died. Again. He does that. A lot. Sometimes it is with dignity. Other times not. This is a collection of the many ways this unit has perished.
-Characters: 2B, 9S -Rated K+ -Chapters currently available: 3 - Note from TTY7: This is a humor/drama story that has been so cute so far. Getsu-chan wrote these early chapters for me as a gift for me for my birthday earlier this year. Love you girl! You're the best. (Muhahaha! You were gonna get your shout-out from me eventually. It was just a matter of time you crazy lady.) Please check out her work! She's amazing!

Play Dead by: letterfromsilentheaven (Ongoing Story)

After learning the truth, 9S survives an attempt on his life that is nearly successful. As he recovers, he is forced to decide what's more important to him: His revenge, or his mind. [Endgame spoilers]
- Characters: 2B, 9S -Rated M - Chapters available: 12 -Note from TTY7: This story is so good! It could legitimately be an alternate timeline for the game. It's written so well and explores 9S' character in a different way. It is an absolute thrill to read. Just be warned that it is full of angst and drama.

Yep. That's all for today! Best wishes and God bless you all!