A/N: Thanks for the latest reviews, folks. Always much appreciated :) Now, some serious Zade content for y'all to enjoy ;)
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 16
Wade tried not to worry. It didn't always come easy, but he tried. Focusing on the good things blocked out some of the concerns he had about his lack of old memories, and about what might have gone bad between him and Zoe in that past he no longer recalled.
He was convinced by now that they had something real between them once before. That the dreams that still came to him more nights than not were bits and pieces of memories jumbled up with his imagination. That the pictures he found around the gatehouse sometimes were not the signs of his being an obsessive stalker but actually of them having been romantically close.
They didn't talk about it. Wade knew if he asked questions, Zoe wouldn't tell him anything. She occasionally started to say something and then stop real fast, clearly realising she would be revealing too much. Wade was sure she must see that he picked up on the significance of little things she said by accident. They had meant a lot to each other once, and she sure as hell meant a lot to him now. That was all great, except for the niggling worries Wade got sometimes about what went so wrong in the middle.
Thankfully, working took up a lot of his time, and when he wasn't at the Rammer Jammer, there were plenty of friends and neighbours to hang out with, plus his dad, who seemed to be making a real effort at the whole sober thing. So, Wade didn't have much time for worrying. Even if he had got it into his head to freak out about what was between him and Zoe, he soon forgot to bother about it the minute they were alone together, like they were right now.
It had started out as a picnic. Wade hoped it was a good idea, unsure he believed Zoe so absolutely when she told him that it was. Still, when they actually got to going on the date itself, it had gone pretty well. Wade hardly thought the two of them would be horizontal on the blanket getting better acquainted otherwise.
They had started doing this kind of thing a lot in the past few weeks. Kissing had turned into making out a while back, rolling around on the couch at his place or hers, on more than a couple of occasions. Sex hadn't been brought up, not since they talked it out after their first date and agreed to take it slow. Of course, moments like this, Wade sometimes wondered why he ever suggested such a thing.
On the other side of the making out equation, Zoe was having a tough time remembering that she was currently with Wade 2.0 and not the original model. It was different, she was well aware, because in times past, after five minutes of this kind of activity, they would be well on the way to the main event. This version of Wade just literally didn't go there, but instinct certainly seemed to let him know what he was doing and he did it well.
Zoe's brain got so fuzzy so fast just from the way he kissed her sometimes, and this was going way beyond kissing. She wasn't sure when the completely horizontal thing happened, how she ended up so on top of Wade, but when more than his belt buckle started digging into her, she realised it was probably time to stop before things got ugly.
Rolling away from Wade, Zoe sat herself down on the picnic blanket again and ran both hands back through her hair.
"Wow," she said as she tried to catch her breath. "I, uh... I'm sorry about that," she said, making a vague gesture with her hand.
"Sorry about what now?" asked Wade as he propped himself up on his elbows, looking more than a little bemused.
"Well, when I started thanking you for a great picnic and I kissed you, I never intended... I mean, I'm not saying it was bad, in any way, obviously," she rambled a little, feeling self-conscious and guilty and a hundred other complicated things when Wade sat himself up, giving her the sad puppy eyes. "I didn't mean to push," she said awkwardly, hoping that made it more plain. "Sometimes, I forget that... well, how new this still is for you."
He looked so sad, Zoe just wanted to stab herself in the arm with the nearest fork for being such an idiot. Like she really needed to bring up forgetting things on top of everything else. Poor Wade. He had no clue about their dating history, save for the fact that there had been something undiclosed but clearly romantic between them before, once upon a time. As far as his memory was concerned, he had never dated Zoe, never dated anybody, and certainly never had sex.
Sometimes, Zoe wasn't sure whether her head or her heart ached more when she thought about what it must feel like to be Wade. Sometimes, it was tough enough just being the woman who loved him, something she was way too afraid to let him know right now, given how little he knew about her or their past relationship.
"You shouldn't be feelin' sorry, Zoe," he assured her. "I should. Sometimes I forget how rough all this must be on you. I mean, sure, I'm the one with no memories, but like you told me a while back, you have all o' yours and it's hard to be the only one out of two people who recalls everything that happened before, right?"
"Right." She nodded once, loving him all the more for being so understanding when she probably didn't deserve for him to be.
"I'd say we could try to make that better for you, 'cause you could just go right ahead and tell me everything about you and me and every last thing that ever happened with us, before my accident and all," he said, shaking his head, "but I already know you're not gonna do that."
"No, I'm not," Zoe agreed, shaking her head too. "I'm sorry, Wade, I just can't."
"Like I said, I know that, so, how about this," he tried then, smiling when he seemed to get an idea he wanted to share. "How about you tell me something about you that I never knew to begin with?"
Zoe frowned as she gave that one consideration.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, tell me something about you that you never told me before. Something that I didn't know even before the smack on the head that made me forget everything I did know," Wade explained. "Now, I know as well as you do that I'm not supposed to be re-told stuff that's stuffed somewhere in my brain already, but there are no rules about new information, right?"
"Right," Zoe agreed, still mulling it over in her mind. "I guess you have a point, but what can I possibly tell you that I didn't already share?" she asked in earnest. "What would you want to know?"
"Anything," said Wade easily, spreading his arms out wide. "Something about you, about your childhood or just before you moved to Bluebell. Anything at all. Just something I have never known, so couldn't possibly remember. Hit me with it."
It was such a weird request, as far as Zoe could tell, and yet she had to admit it was a genius idea. They did sometimes get stuck for conversation, since Zoe had to try so hard not to poke at Wade's faulty memory banks, and he had very little new sharing he could do beyond what he did that day.
This was innovative, actually. For Zoe to share things that Wade could never know in the first place. Of course, the problem was finding a detail that she wanted him to know that wouldn't lead into something he already did once.
"Hmm, let's think," she said to herself, going back through all kinds of facts and stories that she might give him. "Okay," she said eventually. "So, before I moved here and met everybody in Bluebell, I already knew who Lavon was because of his football career, which of course you know about, because hello, memorabilia all over the freakin' house!" she said with a grin, moving back in closer to Wade and glad to feel his arm slide around her. "So, I used to be very into football and Lavon was one of my favourite players. The day we met, I was so stunned to realise he was small town mayor guy, I remember telling him he was a legend. I mean, come on, two Super Bowls, five Pro Bowls? Well, technically, it was only four but he was robbed in '06, so I always round up. Anyway, that's how he and I met and became best friends. You wouldn't have known any of that before because it was absolutely before I met you. I mean, it was the same day, but still."
When she really looked at Wade, she found him smiling at her like she just told him the best story ever. Zoe was a little confused by that.
"Thank you, Zoe," he told her, before she had a chance to question him about his overly happy expression.
"For telling you how I met Lavon?" she checked.
"For telling me anything at all," he admitted. "A piece of your life that I never knew before. Believe or not, it helps. I mean, it doesn't help me remember my life any better, but the more I get to know you, or re-know you, or whatever, the more I just... I don't even know how to explain it," he said, running his free hand back over his head.
"Try," she urged him, "please?"
It wasn't fair and she knew it. Wade just wasn't good with words, with the talking and expressing his feelings and saying the right thing at the right time. It did happen occasionally, like some kind of weird fluke, she supposed, and more since he lost his memory than ever before, but he still struggled. It was yet another thing she probably shouldn't push him on, but somehow, she just couldn't help herself.
"I don't know, Zoe," he said, heaving a sigh. "It's just, when I'm with you, as frustrating as it still is, not knowing what happened before, it's easier to not mind so much that I don't. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, you make me real happy. The kind o' happy that stops me caring so much about all the other stuff that I don't know or can't figure out. That make even a lick o' sense to you?"
Zoe swallowed hard, unsure even then if the words were going to come out right when she tried to speak.
"Yes, Wade," she told him shakily. "It makes a lot of sense," she promised, pressing a sweet kiss to his lips.
When she pulled back and Wade looked at Zoe then, there was an urge in him to say words he knew were probably entirely wrong in that moment, so he swallowed them down fast. After all, as far as his memory stretched, he had only known Zoe a few weeks, not even a whole summer. It would be a little crazy to go telling her he loved her all of a sudden.
Of course, he had opened his mouth before he entirely realised what was happening, and then Zoe was asking him what was wrong, and he had to say something so as not to look like a complete fool.
"Uh, I was just thinkin', it's gettin' kinda late," he told her, noting the sky was beginning to darken just a little. "We should prob'ly be heading back."
She agreed without pause and they gathered up the picnic stuff into the basket. He carried that while Zoe toted the blanket and they began their walk back over to the plantation. The breeze kicked up, making it a little chilly, causing a shiver to run through Wade, at least he thought it was the weather that was making him feel that way. Sometimes, he would swear just being around Zoe made every one of his senses tingle. She was something else, something real special. That at least he did want to tell her, even if it wasn't the exact three words that had come into his head a short while back.
"So, since you told me something I didn't ever know before about you," he said as they trekked towards home, "how about I do the same? Tell you something that you don't know about me, I mean."
Zoe looked up at him with a frown creasing her forehead.
"Can you do that?" she checked, clearly confused as to how.
Wade tried not to smile at that odd but cute expression she was wearing, just as they come up on the plantation, with both the gatehouse and carriagehouse now in view.
"I can do that," he assured her, looking down at his feet a moment, even though he knew exactly where he was going. "You know, sometimes, I think I will never feel right and proper until I get all my memories back, but the thing of it is, there are other times when... well, honestly, when I'm not so sure I want those damn memories back at all," he confessed, as they rounded the lake towards his house.
"Why would you say that?" Zoe asked curiously, which he had half-expected, actually.
"Well, because my life is pretty good right now," he explained, the two of them coming to a halt and facing each other. "I got a happy, sober father, bunch o' good friends, I own half a real successful bar and restaurant," he listed without pause, "and I got you, Zoe. What on God's green earth could I possibly be missing out on?"
She got that confused and almost awkward look on her face again and Wade couldn't help but smile.
"I'm not asking you to answer that," he assured her. "It was one of those questions that you just say but you're not really asking."
"Rhetorical question," Zoe told him, nodding her head. "I get it. So, anyway, um, I should probably say goodnight, head over to my place," she said, gesturing across the lake to the carriage house then dumping the blanket up onto the porch behind her. "Thank you for today, Wade. I had a really great time," she assured him, going up on her toes and taking his face in his hands as she kissed him.
Zoe meant for it to be just a kiss goodnight, no more, no less. She certainly hadn't been ready for Wade to drop the picnic basket, to grasp her by the waist and pull her real close as he kissed her back with some serious passion. Her feet almost came off of the floor and a moan escaped her throat unbidden as something stirred deep within her that she knew she so could not acknowledge right now. Wrenching herself away, she gasped in air for a few seconds before she could speak.
"Wade, I have to go," she said, knowing she really did have to, even though every fibre of her being was telling her to stay.
"Have to, or just want to?" he asked, looking at her in a way that Zoe hadn't seen in way too long. "'Cause I was thinking, you could maybe come inside, maybe even stay, if you wanted."
Zoe wasn't entirely sure she was understanding what he was saying. The kissing before, it had kind of short-circuited her brain, and she was just so damn wary of screwing up after the last time. She and Wade, it was so new for him, and so different for her, but it was going so well and she absolutely refused to let it get screwed up because she misinterpreted something simple like the word 'stay'.
"Okay, when you say 'stay'," she checked, "you mean...?"
The smile on Wade's lips conveyed so much, and then, he was approaching her again, pulling Zoe into his arms and kissing her like he more than meant it, making his meaning as clear as she needed it to be. He really did want her to stay for the night, and quite obviously not for the purposes of talking.
"So," he said a moment later, their arms locked around each other, lips bruised and breathing heavy on both sides. "You think maybe you'd wanna stay?" he tried again.
Zoe was grinning like a fool and she knew it, but she just couldn't help herself.
"Sure," she agreed, "I could definitely stay."
To Be Continued...