Okay, that wasn't cool. Totally unfair in all regards. Right beside Ace's overly long list, a new one was hammered into the wood with the beginning of a new rule list. At first, he thought they were just adding even more rules for Ace, but no, they weren't.
This was so unfair.
Those assholes.
The following rules apply to Fourth Division commander "Twin Swords" Thatch. There are to be no exceptions. Please realize that breaking a rule will result in harsh punishments from your own division, as well as any other involved divisions.
Fuck them.
1.) QUIT trying to help Pops replace his IV with sake.
Thatch: It's their fault for trying to control his drinking. Let a man drink in peace, damn it.
Curiel: I'll tell you this only once more, Thatch. He can drink, but you CAN'T replace his medically required IV for the sake of some alcohol. It's a health issue, man!
Thatch: pffft. Whatever.
Marco: Thatch.
Thatch: . fine, Marco.
2.) STOP telling people that the noise Marco makes in his phoenix form is his version of a 'Mating Call'. Especially to Ace, no one wants to deal with that sexual tension.
Thatch: Come on, our darling first division commander needs to get laid, ASAP. I've offered to be his wingman, but no go. And as for Ace? They just need a little push to resolve said sexual tension.
Marco: WHAT sexual tension?!
Ace: Marco? I'm confused here.
Marco: Don't ask about it Ace, just drop it this instant. Right, Thatch?
Thatch: Mhm, sure. No more announcing your mating calls.
Marco: Thatch!
3.) QUIT trying to hook Marco up with other well-known bird zoans because you're tired of him and Ace's pussyfooting around each other.
Thatch: I'm pretty sure Pell was almost on board. I made sure to hype you up to him, man, like a good bro!
Fossa: A warning, I'm pretty sure Marco is hunting you down Thatch. Look out.
Thatch: Hey! It was not just me! It was Izou's idea first!
Izou: Oh, you rat!
Marco: You both are going to die. You won't know when, and you won't know how, but you are both going to bite it. I'll make sure of that.
Thatch: Marco! Why are you so scary?!
4.) STOP recommending 'Crybaby' as an option for the captain and commanders' movie nights. (*)
Thatch: It's a good movie!
Jiru: No, it's really not.
Thatch: Blasphemy!
5.) STOP slapping Haruta on the head every single time you pass by him. Just because he's a short stack, doesn't mean you should take advantage.
Thatch: I beg to differ~
Ace: Oh no...I said it ONCE, and I'm never living it down, am I?
Thatch: It's what you were replying to that you'll never live down.
Haruta: 1) Ace, I will agree with you on Pop's sugar daddy status. 2) Fuck you, Thatch. Go suck a zucchini.
Thatch: Why...why a zucchini?
Izo: Why indeed, hehe.
Thatch: Izo? What does it mean? Don't leave me hanging!
6.) You are NOT allowed to team up with the Masked Deuce in an attempt to try and out-prank Ace. You both always lose and it always ends badly. Accept this fact.
Thatch: Never!
Ace: How dare you turn my friend against me! This means war!
Marco: Not again, yoi...
7.) STOP offering Jozu as a prize in bullshit contests.
Thatch: He's a great prize though! A big, strong gentleman that can turn into solid diamond. I'd pimp him out if he'd let me!
Jozu: You are one dead man.
Thatch: You'll have to find me before you can kill me! AHAHAHAHA!
Jozu: I already know you hid in the kitchen and bribed your cooks not to say anything. Fucking dumbass.
Namur: This will be an interesting event to watch unfold.
Jiru: Indeed.
8.) Rakuyo does not have rabies, STOP telling people so.
Thatch: But are we sure though?
Curiel: Yes. Now stop before he decides to bite you.
9.) NOR does he have fleas, stop gifting him flea collars.
Thatch: It was Secret Santa! I had to get him something from the heart that he would use!
Rakuyo: A flea collar….a fucking FLEA collar, meant for ANIMALS?!
Thatch: ...yes?
Rakuyo: I get your reasoning, but still, fuck you man!
10.) STOP giving Ace rubix cubes.
Thatch: I already regret it, okay?! He won't stop, someone make him stop!
Kingdew: You made your bed, now lie in it.
11.) STOP teaming up with Izo to write friend-fiction about your fellow commanders and nakama.
Thatch: The last one turned out so good tho!
Izo: I agree, easily one of our best works.
Marco: I'm sure Jiru and Namur did not like your "fish-man falling in love with a shipwrecked priest erotica".
Izo: Hmph...Well then…
Thatch: Why did Namur ask for a copy then, huh? Answer me that!
Namur: Keep me out of this.
Kingdew: I believe it's because he got to 'top' if I'm using the right terminology.
Namur: I'd appreciate less exposure.
Jiru: He likes it because it's fantasy and that's all it is. Namur topping, what a laugh.
Namur: ….Sleep in your own quarters tonight.
Thatch: oooh shiiiiit
Ace: Fucking knew it.
Marco: Did I read that right?
Izo: Pay up Curiel.
12.) QUIT trying to sell tickets for a 'Freak Show' to citizens of islands we drop anchor at.
Thatch: We've got a full show among the commanders alone, tho!
Whitebeard: No, Thatch.
Thatch: Awe, man….
13.) DO NOT try to make Namur jump through a hoop. He will end you slowly.
Thatch: Fine, fine. It was just a hoop, but okay.
Namur: It. Was. On. Fire!
Thatch: That was Ace's idea!
Ace: Throw me to the Marines, why don't ya?!
Thatch: You bet your sweet ass twunk ass I am!
14.) Namur is our brother, NOT food.
Thatch: Blah, blah blah. I think I must have really pissed him off this week, huh?
Jiru: You think?
15.) STOP wearing spandex. For the love of all that is holy, STOP.
Thatch: Fuck no, that is all.
Izou: Thatch!