This Diary Belongs To: Aerin Josiane Setsuko

Final Day, Crow Moon, Current Era: Taiki 29

It was a surprise coming across this diary when I was packing for the trip we're taking today. I certainly don't remember coming across it when I first moved in here a few months back. I know where it came from in the first place-Mum gave it to me, just after I left the hospital. She wanted me to have an outlet to 'talk' about everything that happened to me, so that even if I didn't speak about it I would write it down. I thought that was a lot of nonsense. The reason I wasn't sharing anything was that I didn't know how. I could see my pain turning my words into poison, I wasn't capable of saying that I'm hurting, that I'm in pain, that I miss them without the words gaining spikes and lashing out and hurting others. And I was so tired of hurting others. I didn't exactly think it'd be any different in writing so I just shoved this notebook in a drawer and forgot about it until now.

And now pretty much a year and a move later, and I'm sitting here on the wall outside the apartment block I now live in, keeping an eye on Ani sleeping in the car (she won't be able to transform while we're on the road and she'll be cranky) while Ruby and Michii load the rest of the things in the car. We're off to Hotaruhama today, with everyone. Not just me, Ruby, Ani and Michii's group but basically everybody in our 'core group' (it was so weird seeing how our shorthand from Night Patrol and everything else became the media's label of choice for us). Well, the ones who survived anyway. We've all been keeping in touch, though Ruby's been doing the lion's share of that. Even so, this is the first time in a while that we will all be together and it is important that we are.

It's a memorial after all. And where I'm concerned, it's extra-important that I manage to keep myself together with this. I̶'̶m̶ ̶t̶i̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶k̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶t̶o̶g̶e̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶.̶Wait, why'd I cross that out? Oh well. Whatever. The point is that I suppose that's why I packed this diary when I found it, and why I'm writing in it now.

Anyway. Anyway, so since I live with Ruby and Ani, and Michii and Yuu live in the apartment below us (Ruby sorted that out for them, especially as Michii is now working for her) we're all going to go together to pick up Asuka, Sainty and Niwa and then we're going to drive straight there. We just about have enough space for Sasi too but she wanted to go on her own and well, by now everyone's used to that.̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶e̶ Asuka and Ruby still find it hard to understand, I think. They respect it, of course, but the talking and being around others has been the easier thing for them, even for Asuka.

I get it though. When we were in hospital together, enduring the long process of our legs being put back together, there were a lot of times when we just sat there not saying anything. And when we did say something, it wasn't a conversation. We could just say our piece and be done with it and it was….well, between hashing it out with each other, taking to doctors and our families, answering questions from the Imperial Government and Imperial Law Enforcement and the locals and even the media…I'd had to be sedated so often at the start it made my head hurt pretty easily and then of course, my pain was poison. No matter how I tried, I couldn't stop myself from doing that. ̶H̶o̶w̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶a̶g̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶p̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶e̶l̶s̶e̶,̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶. So that made conversation exhausting. I needed the people I had left around me but sometimes I just needed that peace too. It was nice to have that with Sasi.

Ah, looks like they're done. Guess we're off now then.

…

We're stuck in traffic now so I guess I may as well write again. Everyone's curious but they're just gonna have to suck it up-Ani I can feel you breathing over my shoulder, go away

It's going to be strange, seeing everyone again. Did I write that already? Oh well, it's not like it matters. But yes, it's going to be so, so strange especially as we're only ones left. Me and Ruby and Ani, we're the only ones left of the VYPERs, and yes almost everybody lost someone from their closest groups but….

We're the only ones left. Us. It's the hardest thing to wrap my head around even after it being just over a year-and also an era ago. Because we did that too. The way things unfolded both in the school and outside of it meant that Emperor Taiki declared that Taiki 28 would be the final year of what's now called the Kawaakari Era. We literally ended an era and in the process lost so many of us.

We lost Samu. And we lost the rest too, but Samu. I loved the others, still love them, still miss them but it all circles back to Samu.

There's something Mum said when we were coming back from one of the funerals (I don't remember which one, because I don't remember any of the funerals themselves) about how children aren't supposed to die before their parents. It's against the order of all things and the pain of it, knowing that you weren't there to do what you were supposed to do as a parent, it's its own particular kind of pain. And Ruby's 'Mama VYPER' shtick was a joke but it's the same for me. If ever there was a chance I'd change my mind about parenthood that chance died with Samu, because he was the closest thing to that to me. I'm going to be the best aunt to the kids Ruby will adopt one day, but never will I be a parent. I had the closest thing to that with Samu, and I'll never get it back again.

I've been told that in hospital, when they first tried to bring me back to consciousness the only thing I did was ask for him, that they had to sedate me when I became distressed at anything that wasn't confirmation that he was alive and safe (because of course, how could they have provided that?). Later, I was told that when we were still trapped on the school grounds that I had tried to pull his body from the rubble despite my own destroyed leg, and that Cain had had to enchant me to sleep when we had been rescued because otherwise all I did was keep trying to look for him. Of course, I remember none of this but I'm not sure I'm surprised really.

I would have died ten times over, each time more painful than the last, if it would have meant Samu was safe now. I would have followed him to the Other Side if I thought it would bring him back. Sometimes I think that the only reason I do not try to go to the Other Side now is that I know it wouldn't bring him back. And most of all I think that it should have been me. He should have been the one sitting here now, not me.

I don't know how I'm the one who is still here.

…

They've taken cuttings from the trees already-just as Ruby pulled into the road that leads directly to Hotaruhama we saw some of them planted on an incline. I didn't really look at the trees when they first grew-the school started collapsing at the same time and we all ran that way, thinking that something had gone wrong with those four kids and their shadow things. Even so, I was able to recognise the ones that had been planted here.

The willow-like one, that one was Professor Mshrupo. The solid, reassuring looking tree with a honey-coloured trunk and autumnal leaves, that one was Professor Cinnabuns. The one that's flowering in all rainbow colours even though it's still technically winter has to be Professor Yanovi. The one that's more like a bush whose leaves look like a weird mixture of teardrops and ocean waves, that was Eita, I'm sure. And there were also cutting from Rielle, the Angel Tree. They still look like young trees but still a lot more grown than a tree typically would be. I think.

Already, the world is adjusting to having power back in the land. It's strange to think about.

…

When we got to the beach, Starri, Lidia and the rest of their group (well, what remains of it) were there setting up the barbecue. Mist was also there, since she'd paid for some of the beach huts (she's not crazy-celeb-rich like Ruby is but she has the money and her parents went to bat for us a lot with reporters and things, whenever Ruby and I couldn't manage to get them to knock it off. Bloody reporters, swarming over our pain). In any case, Starri pretty much attacked all of us with hugs. The one she gave me nearly knocked me over, but she immediately let go and apologised like:

"Ah, I'm so sorry, your leg…"

"It's fine, really," I told her. "It's actually a lot easier to walk in the sand than I expected."

"It's a higher-end prosthetic, right? Anyway, I like your hair!"

I am embarrassed to admit that I didn't initially know what she was on about until I remembered that a few months ago I had cut my hair to chin length and that most of the others probably still remembered me with the long hair. Starri just giggled at me and then called over to Lidia.

"Liddy! She looks like you now!"

"Oh yeah, she does!"

I just went along with it, even though Lidia is blond and doesn't have a fringe. As others started to arrive, I got more comments on my hairstyle and I ended up complimenting other people's. Delilah for example had cut her hair, though not nearly as short and had styled it in such a way that it would hide the side of her face that got scarred. Lidia's face is scarred in a similar way but she seems to be doing the opposite-bringing attention to it rather than hiding. Kura has dyed his hair all colours of the rainbow and Jun's hair's grown long enough to tie it into a small ponytail.

I̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶g̶a̶r̶d̶e̶n̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶h̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶a̶c̶t̶u̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶.̶

Speaking of Jun, he arrived with both Robyn and Yara and while I expected Robyn because I knew the two of them were going to be sharing a tent by themselves rather than a beach hut with any of the others, I didn't understand why Yara had been with them until I remembered that after we were freed, Yara had been kicked out of her parents' house for speaking up about what her middle school did to her. Jun's family had taken her in, and from the way they were talking when they arrived she's clearly become one of the family. I'm glad for her-it was brave, her decision, really brave especially after everything that we were dealing with after Kawaakari. She still has her hedgehog and the cat too, and as I write this she's crouching in the sand and keeping an eye on them as they play. I swear those critters are going to have an identity crisis or something, but for now they seems happy enough and so does Yara. Which is the important thing I guess.

In any case, people are still arriving so it's mostly set-up time. I've done my share so I'm just sitting here and writing more in between small-talk and seeing how everyone is. Once the memorial is done, we'll be doing a quick thing for Kura's birthday since that's today (poor sod) and we're just hanging out, I guess. Starri's group have some 'exciting' news to share, as do Jun and Robyn apparently. From the looks of them they might not be able to wait until afterwards to share but we shall have to wait and see. We'll have to wait and see if we'll be lucky enough to see the fireflies that Hotaruhama is famed for tonight, too.

Oh, this is a surprise. Howl's turned up. We didn't expect that he would, since he'd dropped off-grid for a long time. I heard that even his parents were worried for a while. Kura and their lot are swarming over him, and they're as loud and clingy as ever so I'm not entirely sure what they're on about. N̶o̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶'̶s̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶,̶ ̶I̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ Howl is seems relatively okay though, if the fact he's just been dog-piled and is swearing at them is anything to go by. I guess that can be more good news to share later. G̶o̶d̶d̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶s̶ G̶o̶d̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶s̶ We need that, we really do. Oh, and now there are more people here. I guess I'd better stop writing for now and go say hello and whatever.

New Year's Day, Awakening Moon, Current Era: Taiki 30

The fireflies did come, and they were the most beautiful thing, beautiful enough to make anyone weep. And I did weep, but I should go back to the beginning. I mean, this is my diary and I can write in whatever order I want but I'd like there to be some sense in this. Anyway, by the time everybody had arrived, the sun was setting and it was fairly fitting for things to start then. So we all gathered together and then Robyn smudged the space and recited the words that would inform the spirits that this was a memorial not a funeral rite, so that they wouldn't be unnecessarily disturbed. In addition, it made sure that the spirits of Ariadne, Theo, Ezra, Haze and A were not jeopardised because of course there is no confirmation they are dead. There's no confirmation that they're alive, either, but as long as we do not know they're dead they cannot have funeral rites. That's what I understand about all this, anyway.

Anyway, once she had done that she lit the fires while Ruby and Ani read out all the names, which she had prepared on a piece of paper. All of them, not just the deaths and disappearances from our 'core group' but all the other students who had died. Then, it was time for us to light the boat-candles one at a time and set them in the water, saying words if we wanted to as we let them float.

So…not of all of us did have words to say. I think Starri's lot had a speech, something they'd written because I'd seen them looking through it as if rehearsing while Robyn had set up. But in the end, Hiraga folded up the copies of the speech, Tate shared them across the boats that they had for Will, Mica, Wren and Kureha and then Lily and Lucy pushed the boats out before they all stepped back.

Julka rambled about Lunar and Amuri, and a little bit about Reo too, speaking both for herself and for Yew before saying a few words for Elly. Mist simply recited what was apparently Negi's favourite prayer and all Jenna said was 'We miss you, Jae'. Sasi didn't have any words to say, but she'd finally decided to let go of the blood-stained clothes from that day and she set fire to that bundle along with her boat. Angela had a speech full of what I assumed were inside jokes between her group and Ariadne, and we were all laughing by the end of that despite not really getting most of it.

And then…for us…Ruby had written a speech and she was going to read that out on behalf of me and Ani too, but with everyone else's words, I felt like it wasn't fair that I was letting them do it. I had sat through some of the funerals but my mind had blacked them out, I hadn't really said goodbye and I was feeling myself on that brink again, blacking all this out too and it wasn't fair. I hadn't honoured them properly and I needed to. So when she got up, I got up too and took the paper from her and went to grab all the boats we needed and then I tried to read it.

I only got as far as all of their names before I broke down. Samu's name was the last in the list and hearing his name in my voice for the first time in ages-everything hit me, all of it and I could barely stand or breathe and instead of reading Ruby's lovely, carefully-crafted words I just wailed.

G̶o̶o̶d̶b̶y̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶,̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶,̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶a̶g̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶,̶ ̶f̶a̶i̶l̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶a̶m̶.̶

In the end, she had to lead me away and Ani silently lit the boats, and then everyone did the boats that represented all the other people. As they set off, forget-me-nots were scattered behind them. They're an unusual choice for this sort of memorial ceremony but they're fitting, I think. After all, one way or another these people were true loves and we can't forget them. We just can't. Using forget-me-nots is perfect for those reasons.

So, the little memorial boats drifted out to sea all aflame, with the forget-me-nots following them and as the little flames got further and further and started to sink, the fireflies came out. They emerged from the clusters of trees and bushes that surround Hotaruhama and they came out to float over the water, almost creating a path to lead the boats into the nights, into the depths of the oceans. And, well, as I said, I wept at the sight. I wept, and wept, and wept but I managed to remain present in the moment. I was there to see it with my eyes and my heart and to remember it too. Ruby and Ani had to hold me up, but I was not the only one like that. I think by the time most of the boats had gone under nearly everyone was teary in one way or another. But it was alright, because we were saying goodbye, and we'd needed that. I'd needed that.

Afterwards, it was celebration time. Kura's friends had carted this massive cake along with them, and after we'd cleared away the memorial materials we all sat in a loose circle in our group clusters and did the whole birthday song thing and then it was all about the cake, and the barbecue and talking about happier things. I mean, Koda and Niwa were sort of slightly off to one side rolling around in the sand l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶r̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶ and of course, people like Sasi weren't really talking so much as they were sitting and listening. Cain, despite having been all smoothness and charm when he first turned up, just spent the time hovering, sometimes sitting with Sasi, sometimes on his own and occasionally talking to the members of his old group. With them in particular, he always seemed awkward and weirdly shy but at one point I heard him telling Delilah "Nobody is as concerned about your face as you are" but I'm not entirely sure if he was trying to be cruel or trying to be comforting in a twisted way. Stella and Ririsa heard too and chewed him out either way anyway, so that's something.

Eve's also just hovering on the edge, and she's kind of been doing that right from the beginning, even though she was one of the last to turn up. I'm honestly more surprised that she turned up than I am at the fact Howl did. I think I always believed deep down that Howl was just a more extreme version of me and Sasi where coping was concerned but Eve, the way she managed to get the staff to initially cooperate with us, I understand why she decided to be so ruthless but the fact she did not seem to care has made me wonder about her, and the way she was afterwards didn't do much to change that. I wouldn't be surprised if by the time the sun's risen she's already slipped away and gone home. And she'd probably manage to do it in such a way that on the off chance someone was sitting out (like I am, writing this or like Cain and Sasi are standing by the water's edge right now) they wouldn't be able to see. Or maybe she'd want us to see and wouldn't care. I don't know.

But anyway, mostly we were all taking. First, we turned to Kyouki to find out what was happening with Juu, Risu, Rain and Jan because well, I think most of us are still surprised that they're in the world at all, still. I guess we assumed that Frost had done something with them too and that for whatever reason nobody had been able to find their spirits. But the truth did come out eventually, mostly via Elly's notebooks, what Kaguya-san told Mist and then Kyouki and Yara backing it all up. In truth they shouldn't have been under the water's spell as long as they had been in the end. When Theo and Haze and A and Ezra had broken the flute that'd ended Oura's game (another shocker), that should have freed Otohime-san and allowed her to speak, and allowed her to send the girls back into the world. Apparently nobody is quite sure why it didn't work as it should have, Mist said that Kaguya-san told her that it was because of fear, that the fear that Akari hammered into Otohime-san turned into a curse of its own, and of course she believed she was protecting the girls from a similar fate to her own. The main thing is that the girls are alright. Not alright enough for them to have come to this reunion, but in the recovery place that they're all in they're doing well. They're relearning human skills quickly, and they're calmer now. Kyouki showed us a photograph of her with all four girls in the garden of the place they're in and although their eyes still look a bit too big for their heads they seem healthy physically too. Maybe one day they'll be able to lead normal lives like we are all trying to do.

Mostly everyone knows Ruby's plans, but they always want to hear about them and Ruby, being Ruby, doesn't mind telling everyone. So she did that for a moment and then turned the conversation back to the others, particularly the freshmen amongst us. Well, the ones who were freshmen at the time-they're going to be seniors now! It's so weird to think about! But yeah, they all have to decide their futures now and some of them know for sure. Yara wants to look after animals-she already has a part-time thing at some animal sanctuary. Even though all of Ariadne's friends turned down the chance to go back to the gaming high school they were supposed to have been at before Kawaakari, Kura, Sera, Char and Mikelz are still going to try and get into gaming as a job in some way. Kyouki and Quiet are both thinking of being teachers and since Howl apparently picked up house-construction skills during the months he spent off-the-grid, rather than re-do the parts of school he missed he's training to become a builder.

Oh, and Jun and Robyn are getting married the moment they're finished with school. Which is, well, I mean, if there was anyone who'd take life in that sort of direction it would be those two for sure but needless to say none of us were expecting that. I mean, it actually took me a moment to realise what they were trying to tell us when they showed the wooden rings on their fingers. They didn't mention what metal the rings for once they're actually married will be made of, but I guess I'll find out one way or another soon enough since I'm fairly sure we're invited to whatever form their celebration will take. It's going to be rather low-key, I know, because they're going to be pretty busy. They're building their own home too after all, a cottage on the grounds of the museum thingy that the Imperial Government are making to memorialise Kawaakari, because Jun's going to be one of the main groundskeepers or something like that. So I suppose that makes their plans practical, but it still strikes me as fast.

Yet at the same time we deserve happiness after everything we've lost, to hold onto that happiness. So I'm glad that they're together and that they've decided to move in that direction, just as I'm glad that though it's clear Quiet and Hiraga have a more chilled out approach they're still together and happy. And in the same way, I'm glad that all the friendships here are still going strong. Anyway, that news was by far one of the best pieces of news that was shared, topped only by the fact that Starri and their lot are opening what they're terming a 'real Room 777'.

Well, they're going to work up to it anyway. They've literally planned out what they're studying at uni and what jobs they're getting in the meantime to make sure they have the skills and the money needed to be able to eventually buy a place they can use to make into a bar and to manage that bar. Tate even had the notebook they keep a version of the plans in and shared a few with us. Ririsa's lot aren't helping, which is unexpected (from what I gathered they sort of just want an average life, to keep baking as a hobby only) but Mist, Sado, Angela and Rena are also going to be a part of the efforts. Ruby of course immediately offered to help money-wise but they turned it down, since they wanted to be able to be able to feel the pride of building something up themselves the way Ruby can say she has with all her things. Which, of course, she understood.

Most of the other news wasn't that surprising, as such, except maybe for the fact Julka is going into law enforcement. If anything, I imagined Mist being that type and Julka being the one helping with the bar thing rather than the other way around which it actually is. But more or less, everyone's coping. We're all still hurting and yet we're all still living, so we're okay (or getting there). And we were all able to enjoy ourselves into the night until we were all over-stuffed and all too tired and started to clear up before going to bed.

In my case, I tried to go to bed but couldn't sleep, so I came to sit outside and write and have been doing so for a while now. I'm not the only one not sleeping though. As I said, Sasi and Cain are standing by the water and I can see Abel outside his tent reading a book. He's very interested in myths now, apparently. I don't know if we will ever meet in such big groups like this again, though there are at least two upcoming occasions for which we have the excuse to hopefully do so. But I know that one way or another, we're all connected now. Even Eve, who I can actually see slipping away right now. I'm not going to stop her though, not least because it'd get ugly and well as long as we know she's safe who are we to restrain her, even if living on the go off of gambling earnings is a bit problematic? But anyway, despite all we've lost we have each other.

I don't know if I'll continue writing in here after this. I've written so much more than I expected I would but in a way, it helped a little bit. Maybe I will, who knows? But for now, I'm putting it away. The sun is rising and soon everyone else will be awake and another day will start. We'll be having breakfast and chatting more before we pack away and head back to our lives. I want to be with them, and carry on working my way towards being alright with them. After all, even if a part of me will feel like I shouldn't be the one who's here, I still am.

And while I'm not sure I'll ever understand why, I think now that it's okay that I am here.

And one day, I'll actually be okay.