Chapter 35 One Last Lie
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"I can't!" Ravenna sobs and looks up at Finn. "I cannot kill her, Finn!"
"But you must!—"
"NO!" Ravenna yells and points sharply at him. "Lock her up! Just…lock her up." She drops her hand and looks at me, though I cannot see her clearly because of my tears. "I thought…"
I weep bitterly as Finn drags me away. I try to look at Papa one last time, but Finn drags me out so fast that I cannot. I will never see him again. I will never see Ravenna again. She betrayed us. She was part of this attack the whole time. She lied to me. For two years, she has been lying to me.
Finn drags me all the way to the prison tower and throws me into a cell. One foot catches the other and I fall on my face, crashing down on the stone floor! The impact courses through my nose and mouth, smashing my lips against my teeth. A crushing numbness spreads throughout my mouth and jaw.
"You will die here, little bitch!" Finn tells me, slamming my cell door shut and locking me up with the jiggling of keys. The pain blooms in my face. The tang of blood touches my tongue. My lips start swelling, growing tight. Finn marches off, his footsteps growing softer until the wood door slams shut—I jolt awake. My heart thumps into my throat, pounding my ears from within. I suck in fast, greedy breaths, my lungs burning terribly.
"Shite! I'm sorry lass."
My heart falters and my breath stills. My eyes snap to the man who spoke. There he stands in the doorway, wincing as he pulls his foot back from the bedside table.
"I was tryin' to sneak out of here so ye could keep sleepin'. Damn table!" He scowls down at the bedside table and nudges it back against the bed with his weathered boot. He shakes his head at the furniture and lifts his sad gaze to me. For one breath, two breaths, he just looks down at me, his eyes so blue and sad. As his chest rises with his third breath, his eyes drift to my bandaged feet. God, those eyes!
Tears scorch my eyes and spill down my cheeks. "You came back!" I whisper, throwing my free arm out to him.
His blurry form comes to me in one stride and sinks to his knees, taking me in his strong arms. He cradles the back of my head and tucks me into his chest, letting me soak his shirt with my tears. I cling to a handful of his icy leather coat.
"Course I'm back." He presses a kiss to the top of my head, my coif still hiding my cut hair. "I told ye I could no' stay away after yer kiss in front of that weasel." A chuckle rumbles in his chest, sending such sweet tremors into my forehead. "That got him scoldin' me." Fear shoots through my stomach. "So, ye changed yer mind about keepin' this secret?"
Did Wessel tell Eric my true name!? Wait. If he did, surely Eric would not be embracing me as he is now, laughing over this. Surely! I lift my head from his chest to look up at him. He looks down at me, but my flowing tears blur him too much to see his face. If anything, I feel the gentle strength in his arms, the ease in his shoulders, the slow, deep breath swelling his chest. There is no anger. No hurt. No disdain. No hate. No, even though I defied Wessel, he has kept my true name secret.
I take in a slow, deep breath, trying to soothe my buzzing nerves. "What took you so long!?" I ask, my voice hoarse.
His shoulders fall with his exhale. "We ran into some obstacles along the way that delayed us. Believe me," he takes his hand from my head and cradles my cheek, brushing my tears away with his thumb, "every moment we were delayed…" He slowly shakes his head, his eyes not straying from mine. He sucks in a sudden, shuddery breath. "I've missed ye. Ha, I still do even though I've got ye in my arms now!" His words burrow to the core of my mangled heart. "But we pulled off the heist. The extortionist has been paid. We're ready to leave whene'er yer—" I kiss him, my caress so light I barely feel his chilled, cracked lips. His mouth is barely warmed from the winter outside. He must have come right up here...to see me.
He presses his mouth to mine for a fuller, deeper kiss. My stomach twists. A new ache blooms in my heart. So sweet, yet also so bitter. I feel the relief, the joy, the restrained passion in his kiss. He moves his hand to the nape of my neck and tilts my chin back, opening our kiss so he can tease my tongue with his. I try to kiss him back, though my inexperience quickly shows. He merely leads me like a man leads his woman in a dance. God, he's in such bliss, such ignorance. Here is the moment I knew would come; the moment where it is just he and I. I want him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to die in his arms—though only if he can accept this, only if he can live with me dying in his arms. Surely, my time in his life will be a short sentence in his saga. Surely. Though I dare not spoil this kiss now. He will decide when this kiss is done. Not me. I will enjoy this for as long as I can.
He lightens our kiss, drawing my bottom lip between his warming ones. Before I can reciprocate, he pulls back and pushes three separate pecks to my mouth, his last peck lingering. He rests his forehead against mine. Guilt wraps its hands about my heart. I keep my eyes closed, clinging to the black void.
He sighs contently, his warm breath wafting over my tingling lips. God, I do not want to see his face when I tell him my last lie. Perhaps I can spit out the lie and keep my eyes shut for the whole thing—"Wessel...he said some thin's to me that got me thinkin'. Lass…" I hear the wet parting of his mouth as he licks his lips "...I want ye—"
"My life is cut short," I spit out, my words a trembling whisper. A stake pierces my heart. I cannot speak any louder. Whatever he was going to say, I had to stop him before he went too far. His forehead lifts from mine, letting the chilly air touch me. I bite the inside of my lip, willing myself to keep quiet. I take in one shuddery breath and release it. I draw in another shallow, shaking breath, and let it go. Terrible silence stretches between us. What is he thinking!? His arms are still about me. His hand still clutches the nape of my neck, but his body is now rigid like stone.
"What?" he finally whispers.
I cannot see him. Not while I spew out this final lie. I shake my head and retch up the lie with frightening ease. "My heart is too small and weak. I saw many healers in my youth with the hope of prolonging my life. They all have said the same thing. I will not live to see my twenty-fifth year...and I will soon see my twenty-fourth." I bite the inside of my lip too hard. A sharp sting shoots into my gums, making me flinch. The tang of blood touches my tongue.
"Wh...how?" he says, disbelief and fright strangling his voice. "How do they know this!?" he asks me louder and stronger.
I sniffle and clench my eyes tighter. "Because they are healers, Eric. They know their trade! My short life...that is why I tried to push you away before!" Another stake runs my heart through. This is so despicable, putting him through this turmoil. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves so much more than me—a cruel liar, a coward, and a selfish bitch! A sob wracks through me. I pull my arm from him and hide my face in my hand, sobbing pathetically. "You deserve...better than this! Me!" I weep aloud. "I – God, I cannot!" I shake my head fiercely as if I can somehow shake all this torment away. I cannot ask to spend the rest of my life with him! I cannot keep doing this to him! God forbid he ever learns the dark truth of the evil in my heart, but I cannot do this to him! I never fathomed he'd react like this!
He takes his arms from me and grabs my face. "Ye dinnae deserve me because...yer ill!?" he asks me, his words dripping with so much intense, mixed feelings that I cannot tell one from the other. Disbelief, rage, pain, God only knows what else. "That's shite!" His voice shakes with the threat of tears. Damn me! Damn me to hell for nearly reducing him to tears!
"Look at me," he says harshly. I shake my head against him. I cannot! "Look at me!" He grabs my wrist and pulls my hand from my face! I choke on a gasping sob, suddenly exposed. I keep my eyes clenched shut, the black void my only shield against him.
He groans, exasperated and pained. "I'm done with this! I'm done with hearin' ye say this nonsense!" I flinch. His words are so harsh, striking me in the center of my chest like a flying fist. He kneads my cheeks and jaw with his fingers. "Listen to me. Dinnae interrupt again." Another sob shakes me and chokes me. He draws in a shuddery breath, preparing to say what he was going to say from the very beginning. "I want ye in my life. Be it for a hundred years...or a year, I'll take whate'er I can get! Gods! I can hardly believe this is happenin'...but I guess it is." His deep, shuddery intake of air tortures my ears. He lets his breath go in a quick huff, striking my chin and mouth. He draws in another breath, this one steadier. "Ye dinnae deserve me? Tsk!" he scoffs. "I dinnae deserve ye! And here I am with the gall to ask ye if ye want me in yer life—a poor man, a lout, a drunkard, a widower, and more, ye name it! But I want ye in my life. After all we've been through, after all ye've done for Sara, for others, for me...I want ye in my life...for as long as I can have ye in it."
His words reduce me to a blithering, sobbing mess. He has somehow torn the ground out from under me, but at the same time has lifted me onto his back. He's said all this believing that I am Greta, believing that I am an honest woman with a good heart. He has no clue as to the evil I had eagerly welcomed into my heart fourteen years ago. God, I feel all this slipping out of my hands, spiraling into something worse than I could have possibly imagined, yet my heart pounds like it has never beaten before. My soul cries out for this dream he has offered me. Here he is as desperate as me, willing to cling to whatever he can grab hold of. Can I ruin this nearly perfect illusion now? He has begged me what I intended to beg him before guilt halted me! Can I live this lie? If I am bound for hell anyways...why ruin this illusion for Eric? Only I will bear the terrible guilt of this. Not him. He is free of blame in this whole scheme. Perhaps one day I will utter my true name to him, but now is not that time. My heart is beating on my sternum. My whole body is writhing in fire. Only his touch can cool me to something tolerable.
"Eric!" His garbled name leaves me just before I crush my mouth to his. He grunts in surprise but he quickly returns my kiss with passion and ferocity to match. I yank my right arm out of the damn sling and scrabble at his shirt. My fingertips sting terribly, but I care not! I need to feel his skin! I need him! He clutches my face tighter as I tug at his shirt, freeing it from his trousers.
My stomach knots and my nerves buzz when I sneak my left hand under his shirt and press it flat against his hard stomach. His skin is smooth and cool to touch, such relief to my flaming fingers! He breaks our kiss suddenly, both of us gasping for air.
"Lass," he grumbles, his breath hot and heavy against my face. I push my forehead against his and slide my hand up his front, passing over the lumpy parts of his scars. I relish in his quivering ribs and heaving chest. Finally, I find his pounding, racing heart. This heart is too precious. Though I gave him most of my evil-ridden heart to keep it beating, his heart is still good and pure, untouched by my evil. There is no god to thank for this. Only Eric. I tighten my right fist in his shirt and kiss his mouth as hard as I can. My left hand starts drifting down to the peak of his chest, my dark carnal desire hoping that he is sensitive there. My fingertips brush over his stiff peak.
He tears his mouth from mine suddenly. I gasp, my teary eyes flying open.
"Nae!" he says, heaving for air. He shakes his head, somehow both strong and weak. "We cannae do this! 'Specially now with yer feet!" He throws his hand in the direction of my wrapped feet and pulls my hand out from under his shirt.
A desperate cry escapes me. "Eric, how can you stop yourself now!? How do you have the strength!?"
He groans. "Ah, I barely do!" He leans towards me and trails hard kisses across my healing cheek to the edge of my ear. He stops there, his harsh breaths growing softer and slower as he composes himself. "Do ye want me in yer life?" he asks me in my ear, soft and hesitant, his hope hanging on the edge. He pulls back to look at me in my tear-filled eyes. He smirks suddenly, though his fear lingers. "Ye didnae give me a clear answer."
I gulp down the excess spit that gathered in the sides of my mouth. This is it. I can turn him down and shatter this beautiful illusion...or I can just give into this wondrous lie. God, deep down, I've already decided. All this guilt, all this pain—it's only a way to soften the sin. To make it feel more...acceptable. "I want you in my life," I swallow hard, "but only if you accept me for who I am. I'm ill, Eric. I cannot be healed from this illness. I will not live to see the next new year." He flinches, so much pain filling his eyes. I force myself to keep going. "If you can accept all this and live with it...promise me that you will move on once my time is done. If you can, then yes, I want you in my life. You're a good man and I...I want to spend the rest of my days with you."
A shaky breath leaves him. "Lass, I…" He sucks in a breath and opens his mouth to speak, but whatever he wants to say catches in his throat. Perhaps for this kind of ultimatum, no words can be found. All that can be done is for us to hold each other, to soothe each other with our kisses.
Eric stands suddenly out of my embrace and closes the door. He returns to my bedside, kicking off his boots and divesting himself of his coat, bracers, and belts without care of where they fall. Metal clangs on the floor, drawing my teary eyes to the source. A hatchet lies on the floor, a loop of leather about its neck. He must have gotten himself a new hatchet sometime these last two days.
He takes a step towards the bed, pulling my eyes back up to him. "Scoot o'er," he says.
I scoot over as far as I can and pull the blankets back, clearing a spot for him. He lies down beside me and takes me in his arms. I toss the blankets over us both as best I can and tilt my chin back to meet his gaze. His eyes still in mine, so much in the icy blue that I cannot discern it. Before I realize it, my breathing soon matches his, my chest rising with his and falling with his. He strokes my healing cheek with the backs of his fingers, being careful to not press too hard upon my frostnipped flesh.
There is quiet between us now, but it is bittersweet. We have found each other, yet for him to learn that our time together is severely short...this is for the best. I will have my year of happiness and freedom, and he will forget me in due time. Not once did he say he loves me. A sting enters my heart. This pain is necessary. Perhaps for his sake, he will keep from loving me...as I seem to have kept from loving him. If I truly loved him, I would not have told him this last lie. No, I would have told him about the evil I welcomed into my heart. Then I would have uttered my true name. But I have embraced this growing web of lies and wove another one into it, this last lie the strongest weave yet. I force my eyes shut. I cannot bear to look at his face anymore. God, how can I lie to him with such frightening ease?
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The bed shifts and creaks beneath me while his arms withdraw from me. He's getting up! I drag myself out of sleep and force my eyes open. He is sitting on the bed's edge with his back to me. I watch him quietly, my mind groggy from sleep. He just…sits there with his shoulders slumped. My stomach twists. My body is heavy with exhaustion. It feels like it is too early to be getting up. I glance at the window. It's still pitch black outside. It must be the dead of night. I look at him and frown, his back still hunched beneath some invisible burden—that burden is me.
"Eric?" I say, my voice raspy.
He straightens immediately and looks back at me, a forced smile on his mouth. "You're up..." His smile steadily drops to a frown. "Did I wake ye again?"
An ache enters my heart, but I force a smile for his sake. "No." My heart constricts suddenly. So easily it spilled from me, as if it is my nature to lie! What happened to my resolve to be honest with him after the last lie!?
Relief lightens his frown, letting him return my fake smile. "Good."
I swallow hard and shake my head. If I have any hope of confessing my true name to him in the future, I must be honest in the small things, too. "I mean, I was barely sleeping anyways. I would have woken if there was a change in the wind. What are you doing up?" Anything to distract from this. Anything. "It's still dark out."
His frown returns, heavier than before. "It's hard to sleep. I'm no' sure I did. I've been thinkin' about...all this...I need to speak with Torrance. I'll be back." He stoops to me quickly and kisses me, stealing any words I was going to say. "Try to sleep." He stands suddenly to his bear-like stature! My stomach flips.
"No!" I snatch his wrist, halting him. He looks down at me, his brows furrowing with bewilderment. He opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. "You want to speak with him about my weak heart, don't you?"
His face grows heavy and twists with so much, mostly distress. "He might know somethin'!—"
"Eric, there's nothing that can be done for me! Don't trouble Torrance with this, please!"
Horror widens his eyes. "Lass!—"
"I go back to what I said earlier! Can you accept that I will not live to see my twenty-fifth year!? Can you!? If you cannot, then—" God, I don't want to say it. How I do not want to say it! But...it must be uttered. My heart constricts. Despite the pain it causes me, I let go of his wrist and point to the door. "Then you must walk out that door now, leave me here and carry on with your life as Sara would want you to."
"Nae!" He takes my hand in both of his, minding my healing fingers. "I cannae leave ye! I gave ye my word!"
"Then give me your word that you'll accept my short life and you'll move on when I die! I must be nothing but a short sentence in your saga."
"WHAT!?"
Panic grips me. "If you cannot accept that, then give me your word that we will take each day as it comes! Let's do that! Just give me your word that we'll do that - and we'll do it!" I say, so desperate to not lose him, but also desperate to not ruin his life with my lies.
Slowly, the horror in his eyes lessens. Sickening resignation creeps into his face. "Fine," he says, an edge in his voice. "We'll do that. Each day we wake to, we take it together...as we have already been doin' since I found ye in that damn forest."
I swallow. I suppose...God, I suppose we have been taking this journey together one day at a time. That's the only way we have managed to get to where we are now. Ours is a partnership that was forced at first, but has grown into something willing, and now sought after with great covet.
"Lay back down." I pat the empty spot beside me. "It's still night."
He sighs reluctantly and looks down at the spot of the bed where he had laid. Slowly, he lies back down and takes me in his arms once more. I wrap my arm tighter about his belly than before, pulling my front flush against his solid length. My eyes cross his, his eyes such a brilliant blue. Blue canvas memories and emerald leaves from fourteen years past come to surface. My heart beats softer, filling me with a calm, sweet feeling. His eyes shift about in mine, searching me for only what he and god knows.
"How's yer shoulder?" he asks suddenly.
Guilt drags my mouth down. He is too concerned for me. I once treasured his selfless concern for my well being, but now that we are here...I do not want him to care for me so much anymore. God, perhaps I should have never asked to spend the remainder of my days with him.
"It's fine. How's your back?" I ask. Anything to distract him from me.
He frowns at me. "It's healin'," he says. "What about yer back? And yer wolfbite? And yer feet? Did Torrance tell how soon ye can be on them?"
I grit my teeth. God, will he stop about all this!? "Hopefully this morning I'll be on my feet, and I'm healing. Now enough of that please. I just want to look at your beautiful eyes and see the sky I miss so much."
His frown lessens. "Alright."
"Thank you," I whisper. My frustration gradually leaves me, allowing a tender smile to push into my cheeks. I drag my hand up his chest and rest it on his bristled cheek. Truly, I see the sky that has been hidden for fourteen years in his eyes.
A knowing smirk tugs at his mouth. "I'm no' the only one lyin' here with beautiful eyes." Heat fills my cheeks. A small giggle escapes me. He chuckles with me, sending such sweet tremors into my hand. My giggling dies first, quickly stealing his last chuckle. He forces his smile a little bigger. "I love yer eyes," he says softly.
I feel my eyes widen. My stomach churns. Love? For him to utter that word about the eyes of his brother's killer—I'm overthinking this. He must like the foreign, dark-eyed lasses. That's all. At least he does not seem to recognize the eyes of his brother's killer. There's that...I suppose. I force a smile for him, this one painful. "Thank you," I say, stroking his warm cheek with my thumb.
He stoops to me and kisses me softly. My heart picks up and beats harder. Heat blooms throughout my body like a flower opening to soak up the sun. He tightens his arms about me, pulling me closer to deepen our kiss. I press myself into him, desperate to feel him. That draws a small noise from him. His hands start to wander, one going to the back of my head while the other moves down my spine. My stomach tightens and knots. I wish I could feel his hand on my skin, but there is the relief that my thick layers keep his hand from feeling the bumps of my spine. With all his care and gentleness, he comes over me, pressing my back into the bed. We take special care to avoid nudging my feet.
It grows hot. My body trembles beneath his, my mind going to such dark, carnal places. I want his mouth on my throat, on my belly, pressed against my inner thighs. I want to feel his tongue teasing my breasts and my navel. My loins swell with heated blood and throb painfully. I whimper into our kiss. Tonight I could feel such goodness, such care, such gentle strength caress me and learn me. Tonight, I might get to feel him. If he gives in, he will let me feel him moving, living, thriving within me.
We continue kissing, but I slowly rouse enough from his spellbinding mouth. His hand still clings to my hip and his other hand is stuck beneath my head. Even now after our promises to each other, he still hesitates! Why!? He is not holding back because of propriety. Is it his sense of honor? His sense of right and wrong? Or is it his fear that he will succumb to his past sins? Whatever it is, he should feel no wrong in doing this now! We pledged ourselves to each other for the remainder of my days! This will not be an act of prostitution if that is what he fears now. Perhaps he needs a little guidance from me as before in that tree well. Maybe he does not want to presume my desires?
I pull my good arm from him and grab his hand that is gripping my hip. I start dragging his hand down the side of my thigh, the proximity of his hand making my loins tingle amidst their painful throbbing. Eric tears his mouth from mine and looks me in my eyes, halting me. His eyes are dark but also hesitant. "Lass—"
"I want this," I say, my voice barely a whisper. I give him a small smile, praying to whatever god will hear me that it will assure him. I grip his hand tighter and slowly drag it further down my leg, all the way to the hems of my new dresses that Torrance gave me. His eyes grow darker, pushing out more of his hesitancy. "I want you," I say. Tears prick my eyes and blur my sight of him. I squeeze my eyes shut and start pulling back my skirts. A haze comes over my head. I breathe in, drinking his heady scent of earth, leather, and ash from many campfires. It's more intoxicating than any ale I have drank.
"Please," I say. "I want this...more than anything else."
He grumbles in his chest. "Look at me, lass. Open yer eyes."
I suck in a shuddery breath and force my heavy eyes open, meeting his gaze with my tearfilled one.
"Ye really want me like this? Now? With yer injuries?"
I nod without a breath's pause. "Yes. I already told you, I'm healing. Not just that, but I held back like you asked me to at the tree well. I waited. Now we're here in Vilgard. In this room...in this bed. Just like you wanted. I know you'll be gentle with me. Now all I want is you. Please." I hike up my skirts to my hips, exposing my lower half. The cold bites into my nakedness, making me gasp. "I want to feel your goodness! You!" I release my skirts and clutch the back of his neck. He does not resist me as I pull his mouth to mine for a small kiss. I pull back and meet his gaze. "We have now, Eric. Will you pass this up again?"
He looks down at me for a breath. Two breaths. Three breaths. Four. My heart draws closer to the edge. Will he pass this up again? He has everything here that he said he wanted! The longer he just looks at me, his hand clinging to my bare knee, the tauter the string gets pulled between us. My heart goes right to the edge, teetering dangerously over the yawning chasm. I do not want love between us. I might love him. I might not. God, that thought lashes my heart dearly. If I truly loved him...I would not be trying to seduce him like this.
He starts to shake his head. "Lass, I…" He swallows, gripping my knee tighter. "I know what I said, but that was then. Thin's are different now…" He shakes his head again, far more resolute this time. "I'm at my limit," he says suddenly and takes his hand from my knee!
"Eric!?" Panic grips me when he steals his hand from under my head and retreats down my body! I sit up, watching with teary eyes as he pushes himself off the bed and snatches one of his boots from the floor! Fear and nausea both tighten my throat, stealing my voice. I watch in silent horror as he pulls on his boots and scoops up all his clothes. He makes a hasty retreat for the door! Where's my voice!? I need to speak! Say something to stop him! "Did I do something!?" I croak, finding my voice by some miracle.
He stops at the door and turns back to me, my sight too blurry to see his face clearly. "It's nothin' ye did! Ye deserve better. So much better—"
"I don't want better!" I weep. God, I'm pathetic! To beg like some whore...but perhaps I am a wanton whore. Shame and embarrassment scorch my face. "Are you...leaving?" I barely manage to whisper those three horrible words, fear twisting my stomach so much that I may end up retching.
He sighs. "If I stay in here with ye, I will take yer innocence." His words torch my ears and set my body afire. "I– ye matter to me. Ye matter to me more than before the poison and my coma and the snow." He sighs again, sounding almost reluctant to keep speaking. "If ye really mean to spend the rest of yer life with me," he swallows, "then ye deserve to be taken in a bed that is ours beneath a roof that belongs to us."
My jaw grows weak and falls. My heart falters, uncertain of when to beat next. It beats again, but only to keep me alive. Is he...no, he cannot possibly be suggesting—hell, just hinting at it! No, surely that is not even a thought that would cross his mind. Surely!
I shake my head, impatience nipping at my skin. "Eric, we are fugitives!" I hiss. "You really think we'll be blessed with the time to settle down let alone find some hovel to call home!?"
He draws in breath to respond, but it stops in his throat. Slowly, his mouth closes in defeat.
I shake my head at him again. "I'll say it again. We have now. We can have nothing better than this." I hold my arms out to this little room. "I didn't even want this!" I drop my hands in my naked lap. "I only want you. I don't care where or when or in front of who!" The words are out of my mouth before I realize it.
He raises his brows at me. Embarrassment envelopes me in its torturous heat. I cannot believe I uttered that!
He suddenly smirks. "Ye dinnae care in front of who?" His smirk grows into a mischievous grin. "Is this really comin' from the same prudish lass who had begged me to keep this secret?" He cocks his head at me, his mischief now gleaming in his eyes. "I'm sorry to disappoint ye, but I like my privacy...though when yer on yer feet again, we can have some fun."
My brows furrow, my mind thoroughly addled. How did we go from the pain of his refusal to…this!? Am I dreaming? Did I fall asleep in his arms? I find myself shaking my head for the hundredth time. "What...is happening?" I ask him.
Laughter cracks his face. "Jus' some fun, lass. Jus' some fun…" His laughter softens and soon dies, leaving behind a small smile. The mischief dims in his eyes, stealing his smile and shifting the feel of the air between us again. "Believe me, I want nothin' more than to be between yer legs right now..." My ears burn terribly. My desire throbs painfully between my thighs. Oh God. "...But thin's are different now. Yer growin' on me fast. Yer no' jus' my friend...yer more. I want to do right by ye. I want to give ye better than what I tried to give Sara. That's why I'm goin' to join the others downstairs. If I cannae have ye in a bed that's ours...then I'll do the next best thin' when I'm sure of it."
My brows furrow more. What the hell is he going on about!? Why won't he just take me now? "And what's the next best thing, pray tell!?"
His face falls. "What am I to ye?"
"Wh...what are you asking?" My mind is so muddled. What is he asking!? He spoke plainly, I thought. I never took him as one to mince words, nor enjoy prose.
He frowns deeply. "Before we got to Delaney lake, ye said I was yer friend, too. That was then. What about now?"
All the muddled pieces of my mind suddenly connect. He wants more than my friendship. He said as much when we were heading to Vilgard, you idiot! Remember!? He wants not just my body, but my heart and soul, too. I want all of ye, he said. God, I've given him almost everything that is me. I've given him most of my heart, though he can never learn that. I yearn to give him my body. My soul is bound for hell anyways, so he is welcome to enjoy it for the last of my days. But that is not what he asked me.
I draw in a deep breath, barely collecting the words I need to say before they spill out of me. "You're still my friend, my safety. You're my one chance to live out the rest of my days happy and free. That's...that's it." Words leave me. That's really it. Everything he is to me all uttered to him.
Something flashes across his eyes, but he banishes it and relaxes his face. A pang enters my heart. What was that in his eyes? Why the sudden stoicism?
"I've kept ye up too long," he says. He moves his possessions to one arm and pulls open the door. "Try to sleep." He takes a step out into the hall!
"Wait!" I call after him without thought. He halts and looks back at me, a certain light in his eyes. I swallow hard. "You're not going to leave without a kiss, are you?"
He smirks at me. "Ah, where are my manners?" he jests softly and releases the door handle. He turns and stoops to me, capturing my bottom lip between his. My eyes grow heavy and close. I fall into the rhythm of his kiss and graze my bottom teeth along his upper lip. He presses harder, pushing us to the brink of a deeper kiss, but he pulls back just before we part our mouths. He brushes the tip of his nose against mine. "Night lass." His nose vanishes from mine, leaving me exposed to the chilly air. I watch him as he turns back and steps out into the hall, taking my heart with him. He looks back at me as he slowly pulls the door shut. The last of the door closes on him, leaving me alone to my hellish thoughts.
God, the one last lie that I had told him...did it really clear the waters between us? If anything, I now feel as though I am wading neck-deep in a vast mudpit searching hopelessly for Eric. We have pledged ourselves to each other, but that has spiraled into something else that I could not have foreseen in a thousand years. I think I disappointed him with my response, but what was he hoping I would say? He is still my friend, of course. Hell, he is more than a friend to me. I told him as much! What else could I have said?
I growl and tug my skirts back down to my ankles. Frustration wells in me as I pull my blankets up to my neck and force myself to lie down. Did I disappoint him? Or did I hurt him with my response? He is my friend, my safety, and my one chance of freedom and happiness. What more could I have said?