Infatuation

by Forever without him

Doctor Alison DiLaurentis is sharp, a charming seductress. She is also a killer. Behind her eyes there is a darkness. Beneath her smile there are untold secrets. She thought she had everything figured out. But then Detective Emily Fields came into her life. Emily is hunting Rosewood's most notorious serial killer. She never expected to fall in love with her. DARK AU. M

9. Monsters

A/N: This chapter has some mega-triggering content. It was almost cut from being published entirely because parts of it cover the 3Gs (and I'm not talking old cell phone coverage): I'm talking graphic, gruesome, and gory. But ultimately it had to stay in given the nature of Emison's growing relationship. There are some pivotal moments in this chapter. Just keep in mind this one is hard to read at times, but also keep in mind that my writing is never what it seems. And don't entirely judge until the end. And I'm sorry for the trauma I cause.

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Chapter 9:

Monsters

For the next three weeks Emily had lunch at the hospital every day in between her busy days of working the SLK case and the serial rapist case. Alison always managed to carve out some time for her amidst her packed surgery schedule.

In addition to their lunches they went out to dinner several times a week, engrossing one another as they peeled back the layers of the other's foundation.

Emily was up to her neck in her case-files, but her time with Alison was important, so she found the time. At the station, Toby and Emily had been building a profile of Tim Roland and they were almost ready to set the trap for him.

Roland had been hiding since his last victim escaped, but they knew that the longer they made him wait the more eager he would be. He would get agitated. The anticipation would get to him. He would be prone to make mistakes.

Emily didn't mention the Roland case to Alison. She knew the blonde wouldn't approve of her using herself as bait. Since they'd started dating Alison's affection had turned into a tender sort of over-protectiveness.

That overprotective nature had been put on full display one day when the blonde had been bringing lunch to the station and she happened to see a criminal trying to escape.

Emily had been right on his tail. He'd spun around at the last minute and tried to grab her gun.

Alison's vision flooded in shades of red. She wanted to paint the walls with his blood. She dropped the take-out bag into a chair and a low animalistic growl built up in her throat.

Anger exploded in her chest like a dangerous firework. Darkness shrouded every shred of common sense and every ounce of self-preservation in her body as she lunged for him, ready to slam a pen into his jugular vein.

She didn't comprehend the fact that Emily already had the upper-hand in the fight. She saw the desperate man elbow her in the forehead, drawing blood. And like a shark in the water, that blood drew Alison towards them.

She didn't shout any warnings as she charged towards the fight. None of the other cops even saw her coming…except for one.

She felt a pair of large tense arms around her and her heart tightened in her chest.

Her vision flickered and she was a teenager again.

She couldn't breathe.

A flash of an older man and his large burly arms holding himself up in his bed in his boathouse.

Darren was grinning at her. She wanted to draw back and punch him, but her arms weren't moving.

Then she was seven again, unable to move when a large palm gripped her tiny little arm. Her dad's skin burned, a fiery heat against hers, like he was leaving the searing handprint on her forever.

"Let me go! You're hurting me!"

She blinked and saw a familiar face with a familiar set of furry eyebrows staring back at her.

Toby.

Even though she knew he wouldn't hurt her, her instincts told her to fight. To hit. To bite the hell out of him. But she fought those instincts so she wouldn't look crazy.

"Easy there, tiger…" Toby's patronizing tone only exacerbated her anger.

I'll show you a fucking tiger. I could eviscerate you with a nail file you walking penis with a brain.

"She's got it under control." Toby assured her, pointing towards Emily and the suspect.

Emily already had him on his knees and in cuffs.

But she was still fucking bleeding.

Alison bared her teeth as she glared daggers at the scruffy looking man on the floor. His eyes met hers, and the monster inside of him recognized the monster inside of her. His eyes widened.

That's right, prick. Piss yourself. I'm coming for you…

No one touched her girl and got away with it.

Emily roughly pulled the asshole to his feet, and all Alison could think was good for her. The detective shoved him towards to other waiting officers as the rest of the department sighed in relief and then cheered her bravery.

Emily dusted herself off and looked around, her eyes landing on Alison and her partner. She was too far away to see the fear in the blonde's eyes, but she knew it was there.

She quickly paced over to them.

"Toby, let her go." Her face radiated a deep concern.

Alison didn't like unwanted touches. She didn't care for being handled in any rough manner, though Toby hadn't been particularly rough on her.

Detective Eyebrows immediately eased up on her.

"Oh, shit." He uttered under his breath, suddenly realizing the sum of his mistakes. He'd been so caught up in the moment he'd forgotten what he knew about Alison's past. "I'm so sorry. I was just trying to keep you from getting hurt. I didn't…I wasn't thinking. I'm…" He ran his hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry."

He took two steps back and let Alison breathe.

Alison resented his pity. She hated it when people looked at her and saw her as that sad weak little girl. Because she wasn't little anymore, and she sure as hell wasn't weak.

"It's fine." Alison assured him. She tried to compose herself, because slamming her palm into his nose would not be the proper reaction.

"You've got quite a bit of fire in you, Doc." Toby huffed out, still clearly embarrassed about stepping over the line with her.

"Instinct." Alison's brain was still firing wildly and erratically. She squeezed one of her hands into a fist to try and contain the urges she felt.

She couldn't murder someone in broad daylight, especially not a cop, especially not Emily's partner.

Shit. She'd lost control.

Emily had seen her lose control.

She couldn't afford to lose control. She couldn't afford people asking questions.

Think, bitch, think.

"I've had to deal with my fair share of unruly patients. We learn tricks of the trade. I guess I just jumped into autopilot." Alison's lips twisted into an uncomfortable smile.

"As much as I appreciate the assist, please be careful." Emily kissed her forehead. "Criminals are a little different than patients."

"Tell that to a two hundred and fifty pound man hallucinating that he was in a war zone while holding my entire nursing staff hostage." Alison traced her fingers over the tiny cut on Emily's head. "All my years in the medical field has had me running towards people who need help, much like you two run towards danger every day."

She smoothed everything over with a fake charming smile that Toby bought, because she was a pretty girl and she was smiling at him, and men were fucking eager little puppies when it came to that kind of shit.

"I'm going to make sure they've got it handled." Toby waved as he walked towards the secure area.

Emily watched him go. She waited until he was out of ear-shot and then she faced her girlfriend.

"He means well. He just wasn't thinking when he grabbed you." Emily defended her partner, which Alison couldn't fault her for. Toby was just doing his job. "Are you alright?"

"Emily, I'm fine." Alison laughed it off, though not convincingly.

Emily knew she was lying.

"You're shaking." Emily put her hand against Alison's arm.

Alison couldn't tell Emily that she was shaking in a rage and not in fear, so she let the brunette assume she needed the comfort.

Maybe I do need the comfort. She thought to herself. Maybe that was the key to keeping her centered.

"I'm a little rattled." She lied. I want to rip that man's face off and feed it to him. She looked at the red liquid trickling out of the tiny cut on her forehead. "Are you okay?"

She reached up to observe the injury. It was only a centimeter or two in length and it wasn't deep at all, but head wounds bled a lot, so it looked a lot worse.

"Part of the job." Emily didn't seem bothered. "You've seen me worse off."

"Yes, well, I was hoping I wouldn't see you injured again." Alison pursed her lips in thought, her worried eyes tightening in sympathy.

The compassion she felt for Emily went beyond anything she was used to. She was trying to learn how to deal with it in a normal fashion.

Emily smiled at her, touching the tip of her finger against her head, flinching just the slightest bit.

"Where do you keep your first aid kit?" Alison touched the side of her neck.

Her pulse was throbbing. Her adrenaline was in overdrive.

"Seriously…it's just a scratch. I'm okay." But her heartbeat told a different story.

Liar. Though she was amused at Emily's attempt to fool her.

"I'm certain that you are, but humor me. The doctor in me won't be able to eat in peace until I take care of you." She thumbed a few wisps of the brunette's hair away from her face.

Emily smiled and shook her head with a laugh. She picked up the food and nodded her head towards a door leading to the back.

Alison followed her to the break room. It was a lot smaller than the one at the hospital, and it wasn't as nice. But she didn't care where she was as long as she was with Emily.

She walked over to the sink and washed her hands, scrubbing them like she was getting ready to perform the most important surgery in the world. After she dried them off she faced Emily.

Emily put the food down and gestured towards the table indicating for her to take a seat. Then she walked over to a cabinet and opened it up, grabbing a small white box with a big red plus sign on the front of it. She opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water, which Aria would have a heart attack about.

"Protect the Earth!" She would protest.

Alison made a mental note to recycle the plastic bottles. Somehow her little pathologist friend was making her a better person without even being in the room with her.

There were very few people that Alison felt connected to. Aria humanized her. Spencer reminded her that she had limits. Emily made her feel things.

Emily sat down next to Alison and popped the cap off a water bottle. She took a swig and then turned her chair towards the doctor. Alison reached for the first aid kit.

She pulled out a sterile alcohol wipe, a small packet of anti-bacterial gel, and a small butterfly bandage.

Emily could see the determination in her eyes. She'd seen it at the hospital many times when she came in to check on her.

Alison gently grasped her chin and pulled her face forward, observing the cut. She turned her face from side to side before reaching for the small alcohol pad.

"This might sting a bit." Alison warned her.

Emily simply grinned at her.

"If I can handle you pulling a bullet out of my chest I can certainly handle…ow!" She felt the cool stinging sensation of the alcohol against the cut.

Alison chuckled. She pulled the pad away, which was now coated in Emily's blood. Seeing the crimson stain on the white pad made the rage bubble up inside of her again.

"Who was that guy?" She tried to remain casual in her questioning.

"He robbed a family at gunpoint a few nights ago. Cops finally nabbed him today for a traffic violation…of all things." Emily rolled her eyes, like he belonged on World's Dumbest Criminals. "He tried to make a break for it when a rookie's back was turned. I happened to be the one between him and the door."

"Did he hurt anyone?" If he'd killed someone she could put him on her list.

"No. Just threatened to."

Damn.

"But he has priors, so he'll have plenty of time to think about what he did in a cell." Emily watched as Alison reached for the anti-bacterial gel.

She squeezed some out on to a Q-tip and then gently dabbed it on to the cut. She kept her focus on Emily's head.

"Do you often leap into a fight headfirst?" Emily questioned curiously, her eyes close to Alison's face, as if she was searching her soul.

Alison had always been calm and docile. Emily had never seen her truly angry…thanks to her therapy.

"I do when someone I care about is in danger." Alison's thoughtful blue eyes met hers as she pulled the cut closed with the butterfly bandage. "There." She leaned forward and pressed a kiss right above the cut. "Good as new."

"Do I get a lollipop for my good behavior?" Emily's brow crinkled as she shot her a smile.

"I'll give you something sweeter." Alison leaned forward and pressed her lips against Emily's mouth.

They pulled back at the same time.

"I have got to go to the doctor more often." Emily gave her a look that was part playful, part sexy.

Alison had to focus on the food, lest she lose control of her hormones and fuck her right there.

"Shall we eat?" Alison questioned.

The smirk on Emily's face told her she'd rather be tasting Alison than the Thai cuisine she'd brought. Emily licked her bottom lip, like she was still savoring the taste of her.

They ate their lunch, talking and laughing about their morning. What had started as a chaotic mid-day event ended with the two of them making doe-eyes at one another.

When Alison's phone went off she couldn't help but pout.

They both climbed to their feet.

"I'll clean up here. Run along, Doctor. You have patients to save." Emily pecked her lips. "You've already done your due diligence here."

"But I'm with my favorite patient and I don't want to leave." Alison grumbled.

Emily chuckled.

"You're really cute when you're frustrated."

I must be worthy of a pageant crown with all the fucking "cute" radiating off of me at this point. My vag is turning blue and it's frustrating as hell.

"Go." Emily kissed her again. "I'll see you tonight."

Ah, the night's plans. That perked Alison up.

"Be careful on the big bad streets." Alison kissed her.

"Maybe I'll sprain my appendix so I have a reason to come see you." Emily wrapped her arms around the blonde and pulled her close.

"Don't you dare." Alison giggled, even though she knew Emily was teasing. She ran the tips of her fingers against the butterfly bandage. "You've already given me a proper heart attack for the day." She checked the bruising forming around the cut. "Make sure to ice this to help with the swelling."

"You really can't turn that doctor brain off, can you?" Emily chuckled, kissing the top of her head. She smiled at her. "Thank you for patching me up…again."

"Just don't make a habit out of it." Alison frowned, like she was ready to scold her.

"Yes ma'am."

Alison quivered a little at hearing Emily obediently take her orders.

"I jest, but I do mean it." Her expression turned serious. "Stay safe out there. There is danger everywhere."

Emily knew all too well about the monsters that went bump in the night. When she was growing up her dad had been honest with her about the real things to fear in life.

When she was afraid of monsters under the bed he told her that being brave meant being the only one who knew you were afraid. That to conquer fear all she had to do was accept it and then face it...to act brave and the bravery would follow.

He also told her about real life monsters, to teach her to stay safe.

"Some monsters won't look like monsters. They'll blend in. They'll be your neighbors, friends, coworkers. You'll never see them coming. Those are the most dangerous people you'll ever face."

It had proven to be true, especially in the force over the years. Emily knew how to fight monsters with a face.

Tim Roland had a face. An ugly face.

Alison wasn't the kind of monster that had a face. Alison wasn't a monster at all.

When Emily's dad had warned her about the things that lurked in the darkness she never thought she'd grow up and fall in love with that darkness.

Instead of fighting monsters that she knew nothing about, she was focused on nabbing the monsters she could see. Starting with a man who had murdered two women and scarred a young teenager for life.

Sooner or later, Tim Roland would pay for what he'd done. Because Emily wasn't afraid of monsters, not even the deadly ones.

o ~ O ~ o

It was dark when she pulled into the driveway. The brunette was tired from a long day at work. She was craving an ice cold brew. Or perhaps something stronger.

But the last time she'd gotten drunk it had not ended well. She flinched in the driver's seat, trying to push the memory away. Nothing good could come from that memory.

She hit the button for the garage. The door creaked up on the metal track. The automatic garage light didn't come on, but her headlights illuminated something in the middle of the cement floor where she normally parked her SUV.

She pressed her foot against the brakes, coming to a stop halfway in the garage.

She stared through the windshield. The lump looked suspiciously like a body.

Her heart pounded against her chest.

A flash.

A bloody gory scene.

Wailing. Crying.

So much blood.

She stared at the lump, willing it to go away.

She cinched her eyes shut, hoping it was a hallucination, a trick her mind was playing on her. It wouldn't be the first time.

When she looked again it was still there.

She groaned and rubbed her eyes.

"It's not real." She put the car in park and stared at the object blocking her path.

There was a faint hint of movement. She tightened her hand on the steering wheel.

"This is ridiculous." She scoffed, dropping her hands. "I am being ridiculous."

There was probably a perfectly logical explanation for the pile of junk being smack dab in the middle of her garage. It had probably fallen off of a storage shelf and ended up there.

She opened her car door and carefully tiptoed over towards the lump, like it might leap up and attack her.

She was so focused on the mysterious pile that she completely missed the real danger lurking in the shadows.

Upon closer inspection the pile looked like clothing. She leaned down and was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of mildew and mothballs. She jerked back, covering her mouth with the back of her hand.

She knew that smell.

When she looked closer at the clothing she realized she'd seen it before.

Covered in blood.

She heard a shuffling noise and lunged to her feet, her hand reaching for an object on her hip.

But by then it was too late.

She felt a stinging sensation near the base of her skull. Her head felt like it was on fire.

She spun around to try and fight her attacker, but the motion sent her careening into the front bumper of her SUV.

A shadow approached, a swift movement in the headlights.

She feebly swiped at the air, but she couldn't see anything.

"Fight all you want." The voice was distorted. "It makes this more fun for me."

She slid down to the garage floor with a moan, thudding against the cement ground.

The last thing she saw before her vision went dark was a familiar set of cold haunting eyes in the gleam of the headlights. The last thought she had was of the mangled corpse she'd never be able to forget.

She heard the echo of a chilling voice,

"You're mine now." A devious laugh that others before her had heard before the unthinkable happened. "Just relax. This is going to be fun."

A pair of gloved hands reached for the brunette's phone, which had been clipped to her hip. She'd reached for it in her last moments of consciousness to try and call for help. But she was too disoriented.

Her attacker hauled her aside, along with the pile of clothes. As she laid unconscious on the cold dark garage floor the shadowy figure stepped towards her car.

Dressed in all black with a mask occluding everything but a pair of hateful eyes, the figure slipped into her car. Gloved hands gripped the steering wheel as the SUV was put in drive and inched forward into the garage.

One press of the button shut the door. Seconds later the engine was off.

Leaving the headlights on for spectator's sake, the figure stepped out of the car.

The young woman was completely at the mercy at the hands of a monster.

o ~ O ~ o

A sour taste curdled in the back of her mouth. At first she thought it was bile, but she jerked her head to the side and realized it was coming from her nose. A horrid rancid smell.

Smelling salts.

Bitter saliva gathered at the back of her jaw. She swallowed the taste, triggering an urge to throw up. She managed not to vomit.

She groaned and tried to move, but her entire body ached. Everything below her waist felt like it was on fire. It was a pain she'd never felt before.

Blood dribbled against the garage floor, but she couldn't see it. She could smell it, though. Coppery. Rusty. Like a penny.

She had a hard time catching her breath. It felt like there was a crushing weight on her chest.

The blinding light made her head throb. Her face felt hot and sticky. She tried to reach up to touch her cheek, but she couldn't move her arms.

Her vision faded in and out, but she saw fuzzy movement out of the corner of her eyes.

"What did you do to me?" She rasped out, her voice hoarse and sharp.

"It's about time you woke up." The shadow of her attacker slowly came into focus.

Someone slender dressed in sterile hospital garb, a face shield covering her face.

She'd seen the woman before when she'd gone in to the ER for cuts and bruises the night of the accident.

"I know you." Jackie Molena squinted her eyes at the surgeon.

"Dr. Doom. Pleased to make your acquaintance." Alison flashed her pearly whites at her.

"What…" She jerked, but couldn't move her body.

When she looked down she realized she was upright against the garage wall, pinned by her SUV. There was a pile of clothing resting on the hood.

She turned her head away, trying not to look. She didn't want to think about that night.

The horrible crunching sound the old woman's bones made against her fender. The blood splatter all over the pavement. The wailing cries.

"You recognize the outfit she was wearing, don't you?" Alison roughly turned Jackie's head, holding it in place, forcing her to look at the last outfit an innocent woman named Esther Potter had been wearing the night she was run down with a car...with Jackie's car.

"I don't…" Her chest was tight. So tight. She couldn't breathe. "…know what…you're talking about."

"Oh no?" Alison held Jackie's phone out in front of her, a video clip pulled up.

Footage of the news report from that day started playing.

"It is believed that Mrs. Potter suffered for hours before succumbing to her injuries. Unfortunately, the stretch of road where she was found does not have heavy traffic at the time of night she was struck. Police are asking for anyone who might have any information to come forward. They have set up a tip line for the public." A grim-faced reporter looked sadly into the camera. "A funeral service will be held for Mrs. Potter this Friday. She is survived by her three children and seven grandchildren."

The footage cut to two little girls hugging and crying. They looked to be about five and seven.

Alison paused the video.

"You took their grandmother away from them. A mother. A grandmother. An innocent woman."

"Help me!" The woman had wheezed through dying breaths.

"No! No, you've got me mixed up with someone else." Jackie whined.

Alison snorted.

"That's what they all say. I'm innocent. I didn't do it. You've got the wrong person." She mocked her previous victims. "But evidence doesn't lie, my dear sweet girl." She played with the bloody scalpel in her hand, staring at her handiwork on Jackie's cheek. Jackie flinched. "When you came into the ER seeking treatment…"

"You can't…use that against me. There are privacy laws!" She shrieked, panicked. She took short heaving breaths.

"In case you couldn't tell, I don't exactly follow the law." Alison shrugged. "And it seems as if you don't either."

"E-even if I did…that's circumstantial…"

Just a few drinks. It was just a few drinks…

"And the repairs made to your car after the crash?" Alison saw the girl's eyes widen. "I believe you told the guy at the chop-shop that you hit a deer."

"I did."

"That's funny, because Animal Control doesn't have any reports of moving large animal carcasses from that area in that time frame. Not to mention it wasn't deer season."

"Maybe someone picked it up. Or…or it decomposed."

"Stop…" Alison pressed the scalpel against the girl's throat, "…lying to me!"

"Okay!" She yelped. "Okay. I…" She bit her lip. "You're right. But it…I…I was scared. It was an accident!"

"You were drunk. I could smell it on you at the hospital." She shoved her face into Jackie's, sneering at her, channeling all the rage she'd felt at the police station after she saw that bastard hit Emily. "You hit Esther Potter and when you saw her there writhing and bloody on the side of the road you left her to die." Alison hissed angrily. "You could have stayed. You could have called for help. You could have helped her!"

"I made…a mistake. Haven't…haven't you ever messed up?"

The same wicked grin Jackie had seen on Alison's face before she passed out reflected back at her again.

"More times than I can count." Alison licked her chops at the thought of how she'd rid the world of scumbags and murderers. "But I would never hurt an innocent person. I would never leave an old woman to die. But that's what you did. You tried to cover it up. You ran. And you left her begging for help on the side of the road, like a dog. You're a murderer."

"And what do you call what you're about to do to me?" Jackie tried to fight back.

They always fought back when they realized their fates.

"Justice." Alison replied without skipping a beat. "See, I own who I am. I know what I am. I know I'm a murderer. But I've never killed someone who didn't deserve it…" She played with the sharp instrument in her hand. The blood on it called to her like a siren in the sea. "Like you…"

When she looked up, her eyes landed on the blood trickling down Jackie's cheek. When she blinked she had a flash of Emily's head bleeding in the police station. It stirred a dormant rage inside of her. All the anger she couldn't take out on the man who had hurt Emily was now focused on Jackie Molena.

She put the blade down and walked to the open car door.

"What…what are you doing?" Jackie gasped.

Had Alison been humane she would have just turned the car on and let Jackie die of carbon monoxide poisoning, but where was the art in that? Where was the justice for Esther Potter?

Jackie didn't deserve humane.

"No!" Her words fell on deaf ears.

Alison turned the ignition over and shifted the gear into drive. She put gentle pressure against the accelerator, slowly starting to crush the woman against the wall.

Jackie tried to yell, but the added pressure was too much.

"Please! St-stop!" It was her last gasp of breath before blood came spilling out of her mouth.

She choked out a gag and slipped down against the hood. She managed to wiggle her hand free and she started beating on the hood, smearing it with blood.

Alison watched as the whites of her eyes turned red, little veins bursting as she was slowly crushed to death.

Jackie tried one last time to inhale and scream for help, but her lungs had already collapsed and she couldn't get the air she needed.

Her body jerked and then she went limp against the car. Alison put the SUV in park. She stared at her through the windshield for a few seconds, then climbed out.

She calmly walked over to the brunette and put her fingers against the pulse point in her neck. Her heart was weak, but it was still beating.

It wouldn't be beating for much longer.

The doctor smiled as she felt the thrumming of her pulse getting weaker and weaker…to the point where it had all but faded.

She saw the moment the life left her body.

She leaned her head back, shifting it on her neck from side to side as the euphoria washed over her.

A pressure release valve had been opened. The tension and anger and rage were at bay again.

She cleaned the scene and then wrapped Jackie up in a blanket. Just as she'd finished loading her into the back compartment of her SUV, her phone jingled.

Alison saw Emily's contact photo and her heart started pounding.

Excitement. Fear.

She found herself strangely aroused at the thought of talking to Emily while she was hauling a dead body out to the woods.

"Hey you." Alison answered, no indication in her tone whatsoever that anything was amiss.

She was just a regular doctor doing regular everyday things.

"Hey you." Emily replied. "I should be finished at the station in an hour. We still on for dinner tonight?"

"Wouldn't miss it." Alison smiled into the phone. She bagged up her disposable tools. She would get rid of them like all the other medical waste she'd disposed of before.

"What are you in the mood for?" Emily asked.

"Something old fashioned." In memory of Esther Potter.

"Classic old fashioned or like way back in Roman times old fashioned?" Emily shifted her phone to her other ear.

"You know what I like. Surprise me." Alison stared at the bundled body in the back of the SUV.

"You got it." Emily's tone was upbeat.

She was excited about their dinner.

Alison was excited, too.

"Hey, did you ice that cut like I told you to?" Alison climbed into Jackie's car and played with the keys.

"Yes, Doctor." There was a bit of sarcasm in her tone, but Alison loved it.

"Good. I'll check it at dinner. Make sure it looks okay."

"You're relentless." Emily laughed.

Alison looked over her shoulder, a wicked smile on her face.

"Yes." She peered at the lump in the back. "I certainly am."

"I'll see you later."

"See you soon, Detective."

They said their goodbyes and Alison turned around to look at Jackie's dead body.

"Time to wrap this up. I've got a date I can't miss."

With that, she started the car and pulled out of the garage. She had scoped out the back roads before showing up. She carefully bypassed all the street cameras on the way out to the woods.

Alison parked Jackie's car near the hill where the hit and run had occurred. The SUV was hidden by the cover of the trees.

She went to work posing the body. She rigged a pulley system to keep the body on the hood of the car. Using several ropes, she tied the back bumper to a large tree trunk and then angled the SUV down the hill.

She put the car in neutral and then partially cut through the ropes holding the car in place, knowing that after hours of the car pulling on it the force of the weight would snap the ropes and the car would roll down the hill and come to a stop right where Esther Potter had taken her last breath.

She trekked out to where she'd parked her car and then she quickly made her way home to shower and get ready for dinner.

She had just finished putting the final touches on her make-up when she heard Emily coming through the front door.

They'd exchanged keys just last weekend. It had been monumental for both of them.

She bounded down the stairs, eager as always. Emily smiled up at her, noticing the pep in her step.

Alison spotted the take-out bags in her hands. It was from a 50s themed diner in town. She was juggling the bags and two chocolate milkshakes.

Alison quickly rushed over to help her.

They walked into the kitchen. As soon as Emily put the food down Alison gripped her hands.

"How was your day?" Alison always made it a point to try and seem interested in other people, especially Emily. She didn't want to seem too self-involved.

"Calm after that fiasco at lunch." Emily smiled, kissing Alison's forehead before reaching for the plates. "Toby and I did some work on a case. How about you? How was your day?"

Alison had to fight back a grin.

"A little bloody." Normal people would have been bothered by her response, but Emily dealt with blood and gore all day.

"Then I suppose ketchup oozing out of a burger and mounds of it for fries is appropriate." Emily chuckled.

Her dark humor was yet another thing that turned Alison on. She wanted nothing more than to get her naked, but she forced herself to go through the mundane process of making a different connection instead.

They sat down and exchanged pleasantries. It was a quiet little routine they'd been doing over the past several weeks.

They settled in for a movie after dinner, snuggling together on the couch. Alison loved laying her head against Emily's shoulder and listening to her commentary about the films they watched. She could listen to her voice for hours and never be bored.

When the credits rolled Emily leaned back and stretched, her eyes tracking from the door and then back to Alison. She didn't stay every time she came over, but she'd spent a few nights with her.

She wants to stay.

Even more important…

I want her to stay…

"I'd like for you to stay." Alison laced her fingers into Emily's. "Please."

Alison had asked her on their last two dates, and they spent all night talking.

"You ask, I stay." Emily smiled. She had come to enjoy their evenings together.

Alison enticed her into the bedroom under the guise that she had to get her make-up off and get changed into something a little more comfortable. It was another part of their routine.

The push and pull of the tease…of being in her bedroom together.

Emily changed into a pair of pajamas she'd stashed there for their nighttime chats.

This particular chat kept getting interrupted by her neighbor's noisy dog, yapping away outside. Alison put on some music to try and drown him out. She slipped into Emily's embrace. She felt so relaxed when she was with the brunette.

As they talked, Alison felt her eyes getting heavy. She had exhausted herself taking care of Jackie. But she forced herself to stay awake, hanging on Emily's every last word...to all of her touches.

Emily usually couldn't help herself once she was next to Alison in bed, holding her. Alison liked the feeling of Emily's arms around her. She liked it even more when their kisses turned into touching.

Emily's fingers explored her abdomen. Alison wrapped her fingers in Emily's hair as their lips melded together. She couldn't get enough of the taste of Emily's tongue in her mouth. Her palms wandered up to Emily's chest, groping her, tracing her fingertips against the supple flesh there. She traced the brunette's scar.

This part of you will always be mine, Emily.

As their kisses became more heated, a yearning desire pulled them in a deeper direction. One minute they were both fully clothed, and the next Emily was naked beneath her and Alison was scrambling to get a strap-on buckled.

Emily bit her lip and smiled at her.

Alison noticed a bit of tension in her gaze. The toy was probably bigger than what she was used to.

Alison wanted to fuck her senseless, but she promised herself she'd go slow.

As she lowered herself on top of Emily and aligned the strap-on at her entrance she heard the dog barking again. She didn't remember turning the music off, but the silence in contrast to the sharp cries of the animal suddenly made the quiet room very loud.

The noise triggered something inside of her.

A door once closed now wide open.

o ~ O ~ o

~ Then ~

The screams echoed throughout the entire house. A seven-year-old's pleas wrought with fear and pain as the nightmare wracked her body.

"NO! NO, DADDY! PLEASE! YOU'RE HURTING ME!"

The dog at the end of her bed shot up out of a deep sleep. Pepe hadn't left her side since she'd come home from the hospital.

Physically she was healed.

Mentally she would never be whole again.

But the dog was a comfort. He instinctively seemed to know what to do when she had night terrors. He wormed his way up next to her and laid his head against her thrashing little body.

Alison had fooled the detectives into thinking she was having nightmares about the murder. She had practiced looking sad and tired and scared.

The problem was…the lines between fantasy and reality had become blurred for her. She had fooled herself into believing her own act. She wasn't sure what was real anymore.

She still couldn't remember what happened from the time she had come home with Jason that night to standing in the middle of her house holding a bloody knife.

She did, however, remember everything before that. That was the stuff her nightmares were made of.

It was easier to pretend the nightmares weren't happening. It was easier to pretend to herself that it was all an act. She had more control when she made up her own stories.

But the screams and the cries were real. Her fear was real, and Pepe could sense it. The dog sidling up next to her was a real warm body, but Alison was too far lost in her nightmare to feel him next to her.

"DADDY DON'T! JASON! HELP!"

Usually Pepe's presence was enough to settle her, but not this time.

Her dad roughly grabbed her arm and threw her over his lap. She prepared herself for the spanking. He'd never been so mad at her in her entire life.

"Daddy! Daddy, don't!"

She was in her room back at home, and Jason wasn't there to save her this time. This time her daddy was scarier. Darker. There was something menacing in his gaze. A predator in the wild getting ready to strike.

She let out a blood-curdling scream and fought against him, but she was too small. Too little. And she couldn't breathe. He was holding her little body down so hard against his lap that she couldn't breathe.

A dog barked in the distance.

Only it wasn't in the distance.

In her new room at her aunt's house, Pepe was frantically howling and barking.

Alison heard a loud thump and the sounds of someone scrambling to help her get away from her dad.

Jason?

She held her breath, and not just in her dream.

In real life her face was turning blue.

"Oh, God." A feminine voice. "She's not breathing." Hands touched her face and she jerked around. "Alison, baby, breathe. You need to breathe, honey. You're safe. I'm here. It's me. It's Aunt Mary. Can you hear me?"

The sound of her voice sent a warm flood of relief surging through the small child. She gasped for air. She wasn't suffocating anymore, but she was still thrashing.

Mary tried to hold her still to keep her from hurting herself, but that just made it worse.

"If dad ever gets his hands on you, you fight, you hear me?" Jason warned her in thought.

In her nightmare her dad was shoving her face into his lap as he reached for his belt, cracking it in the air.

"No!" Alison yelped. "No! Leave me alone! Don't touch me!" She jerked her head to the side, away from her aunt. "Jason! Jason, help!"

Mary let her go. She stroked Alison's tear-stricken face and tried to talk her through it.

Pepe shoved his nose in between them, whimpering. He licked her face, frantic to get rid of the tears. His paws thudded against the carpet as he paced back and forth.

Mary's hands found Alison's cheeks again.

"You're safe, sweetheart. You're safe."

When Alison finally opened her eyes it took her sight a moment to adjust. She caught a glimpse of a familiar face. A woman holding her down.

"Mommy?" Her voice didn't sound relieved. She sounded petrified.

It was the only time she had ever mistaken her aunt for her mother.

As soon as her aunt spoke Alison realized her mistake.

"Baby, you're okay. You're okay. You're safe."

It took Alison a few minutes to grasp that she was truly safe. She started to cry and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around her aunt's neck.

Mary stroked the back of her head, which was wet with sweat. Her pajamas were drenched, but not only from perspiration.

Alison felt something warm and wet coating her bottom half. She felt the same sickening feeling she'd had in her room that day, sitting on the wet carpet.

Alison peeled back to look down at where she'd peed the bed. She started shivering. Her daddy got so mad when she had her last accident.

She looked at her aunt, fear wide in her eyes. She scrambled around in the bed, reaching for a dry portion of her sheet. She furiously started scrubbing at the urine stain.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. It was an accident."

Her aunt stopped her frantic motions and pulled her into her arms again.

"I know." Mary rubbed her back. "I know, honey. It's okay." She gently wrapped her arm underneath Alison's butt, gripping her thighs to lift her out of her bed.

Alison grabbed Mary like a lifeline. She buried her tear-stained face into her aunt's neck, still softly crying.

Pepe paced the room, whining, whimpering. He let out a quiet woof.

Mary looked down at the concerned dog.

"She's okay, buddy," she said softly.

But Alison was as far from okay as someone could possibly get, and Pepe sensed it.

Mary walked around the bedroom in circles with the little girl, hoping to soothe her anxiety. Alison's soft cries turned into breathy whines.

Once she was settled, Mary slowly walked out into the hallway. Pepe trailed behind her as she made her way to the bathroom.

She gently put Alison down on the toilet lid.

Alison gasped for air, trying to get her breathing under control.

Mary tried to wrap a towel around her, but all Alison could see was the memory of herself naked, covered in bubbles and wrapped up in her Barbie towel.

That day.

The day that everything had changed.

Daddy hurt me.

She refused the towel, and instead sat there, wet and shivering. Her legs were sticky with pee and sweat. She could smell the foul stench that had once marred her carpet at her old home.

She listened to the sound of the water splashing against the tub. Each thump reminded her of an angry footstep. She flinched and whimpered.

She felt something cold and wet pressing against her leg and she jumped. A scream rumbled in her throat, but then she looked down and saw Pepe staring back at her. He shoved his nose against her again and then licked her calf.

Alison crumbled to the floor and wrapped herself around his warm furry body, which is where she stayed while her aunt filled up the bathtub.

I don't like baths.

I don't want to take a bath.

She had to take a bath the last time she had an accident. She was all alone. Scared. Confused. Hurt in ways unimaginable.

She leaped to her feet, but froze in fear.

"Ali, sweetie, what is it?"

Alison answered by rushing to her and gripping her legs. She clawed at her aunt's nightgown, needing to feel the safety she'd felt in her arms.

Mary picked her up and Alison laid her forehead against her shoulder and then she did something she hadn't done since she was an infant…she stuck her thumb in her mouth and sucked on it like a baby. She wanted to go back to before she could remember. She didn't want to remember.

Images flooded her mind.

His hand.

Her screams.

Wet carpet.

Wet clothes.

Bubbles.

Cold water.

Barbie Towel.

Jason.

"I want Jason." Alison cried. "I want my brother."

Mary sighed, her heart breaking for the baby in her arms. She still didn't know how to answer her when she cried out for her brother.

"I know you miss him," was all Mary could think to say. She kissed Alison's sweaty forehead, concerned that she might be running a fever.

She wasn't sure if her heightened temperature was from the nightmare or if she was coming down with something. Either way, she knew a bath would help.

"Hey, why don't you pick out the softest fuzziest towel in the cabinet? Have Pepe help." She suggested.

Alison nodded and Mary sat her down. But as soon as her feet touched the cold tile floor she froze. She was back in her bathroom at home.

She stood there, dull and numb.

Her aunt sighed and then lifted her arms and pulled her nightgown off, leaving her in her soaked underwear.

Alison looked down at her princess panties. Shame washed over her. Her bottom lip trembled.

She was a big girl. And big girls didn't wet the bed.

But her aunt didn't yell at her, didn't scream and threaten her with an angry fist.

Aunt Mary is not like daddy. She is not like mommy. She's nice. She won't hurt me.

Still, she flinched when Mary reached to take her underwear off.

"No!" She slapped her aunt's hands away. "I don't want to!"

Alison started to cry again as she slowly sank down to the bathroom floor, screaming "no, no, no!"

Mary simply kneeled next to her, words lost on her. Alison was certain she heard, "You poor sweet baby, what did they do to you?"

"Alison, honey, we need to get you cleaned up."

But Alison continued to fight Mary, struggling to stay in the wet underpants. The little girl couldn't rationalize why she was fighting so hard to stay in dirty underwear. Maybe it was her punishment for messing up. She clawed and bit and fought and hit.

"I'm bad!" She cried. "I'm a bad girl!" She wrapped her arms around her exposed upper body and curled up as she screamed.

Her aunt gently cupped her face.

"You are not bad, baby girl. This isn't your fault." Her soft fingers caressed the child's cheeks. "You are my sweet good girl. And I love you very much."

Alison cocked her head at the words. Jason was the only one who ever told her he loved her.

"You do?" She sniffled.

"Of course I do." Mary put her hands on Alison's sides and held her steady. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose.

"How much?"

"To the moon and back, little one."

Alison smiled, but then she looked down at her underwear, the only clothing still on her body. She bit her lip.

"You promise you won't hurt me?"

"Oh, baby…" Her aunt fought back tears. "I would never hurt you."

When Alison looked into Mary's eyes she saw something that she'd never seen in her parents. She saw compassion. She saw…love?

She wasn't quite sure she understood love. She'd loved her brother, she was certain about that. But beyond that, the emotion made no sense.

Eventually she let her aunt finish undressing her. She let her put her in the tub and gently clean her with a soft washcloth. She even lathered her hair up and got it nice and clean. Alison could feel the dirt and grime and sweat disappearing into the water, along with her shame.

When Mary was finished she drained the tub and had Alison stand up so she could wrap a towel around her.

This time, Alison let her.

Mary picked her up, towel and all, just like Jason had done that day. Mary grabbed a new pair of pajamas from Alison's room and then toted the little girl to the main bedroom where she slept. She sat her down on her bed and rolled the towel off of her shoulders.

"Arms up, honey." Her aunt directed.

Alison heard her words, but words didn't seem to have meaning to her anymore.

She followed her aunt's instructions and Mary slipped a shirt on over her head.

It smelled like flowers. She liked it.

"I messed my bed." Alison whimpered quietly, looking down at the carpeted floor.

"I know." Mary stroked her cheek. "Accidents happen."

"I didn't mean to."

"Alison, I'm not mad at you. You're not in trouble."

Alison shoved her thumb in her mouth again.

I just want to be a baby again. I just want to go back…

"My family is dead because of me." I killed them. I did a very bad thing.

It was the one and only time she confessed to the crime. But her aunt didn't believe her. She thought she was in shock. She thought she was blaming herself.

Alison didn't blame her aunt for not believing her. It's not like she could remember doing it. She was sure she had though…

Hadn't she?

There was no other explanation.

"You just need to rest, sweet girl." Mary kissed her forehead and laid her down, tucking her under the covers.

Alison didn't fight it. She nuzzled up to her aunt. It took her two hours to fall asleep. She thrashed and cried all night, but she didn't wet the bed again.

Mary simply held her until the morning.

When Alison woke up the next morning she felt sluggish and twitchy, like she was anticipating something bad happening. She had decided she never wanted to have a night like that again, so she started a life of secrecy and self-preservation. Her nightmares became just another story she told herself.

That is, until her nightmares started bleeding into reality.

o ~ O ~ o

The barking dog still hadn't shut up. Alison wanted to scream at it, but she was too focused on Emily. She tried not to let her past consume her. She was focused on the present...focused on the brunette squirming beneath her as she slipped the toy into her without warning.

Emily gasped at the intrusion.

When Alison saw the whites of her eyes she thought about how Jackie's eyes had run red with blood. It sent a thrill through her body. An aching need that needed to be fulfilled.

Her body moved on its own accord. She pushed into the brunette hard as she leaned down to capture her cries, her mouth crashing against Emily's.

She tried to ignore the barking dog and instead concentrated on what it had felt like to crush the life out of a woman earlier.

Her veins were buzzing. Her blood pumped her heart faster and faster. She felt alive.

The blood…

She thought of the blood dripping down Jackie's face and she thrust harder.

She didn't hear Emily murmuring that it was too much.

The rush.

Driving the body out and setting it up to be found.

Oh FUCK...the RELEASE…

How grand it had felt to get rid of Jackie Molena.

Alison tried to enjoy the ride. She had been waiting for what felt like forever to fuck Emily senseless.

But she couldn't concentrate.

All she heard was that stupid fucking dog.

Bark!

She slammed into Emily, but it wasn't enough.

Bark!

She needed more.

Bark!

She bit Emily's lip, eliciting a surprised gasp from the detective. Her blood was warm and salty. The taste of it invigorated the blonde.

BARK!

She thrust into the brunette even as Emily huffed out a pained yelp.

"Ali, easy…slow…slow down. Ahh…."

But she didn't slow down. In fact, she pushed harder, and when Emily let out a grunt of pain it enticed her to go faster.

She wrapped her hands around Emily's neck and started squeezing as the pressure inside of her core built to insurmountable heights.

Emily swatted at her arms, unable to breathe. She was slowly starting to lose consciousness.

Alison liked seeing her in between the realm of the living and undead.

"St-stop." Her cries the same as Jackie's, her eyes bugging out.

Alison hit her peak and she fell over the cliff. She screamed out in pleasure. The toy was still vibrating against the both of them. Alison rode out the small aftershocks, her body twitching.

When she looked down, Emily's glassy eyes were staring back at her and she realized something.

Emily wasn't breathing.

Alison gasped, her vision going black.

When her focus came back into view she saw the motionless brunette still staring back at her.

"Emily…" She was coated in blood. "No…"

She couldn't breathe. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs.

The darkness of her bedroom started spinning around her.

She gasped for air, clawing at her throat.

What have I done?

She let out a keening cry, wailing, screaming. It felt like she was stuck in an abyss.

The last thing she heard before she passed out from shock was that damn barking dog.

Moments later she shot up in bed, soaked in sweat. Her silky pajama bottoms stuck to her legs. Her top was askew from thrashing around.

The dimly lit room cast a shadow over Emily's concerned face. She was peering down at her, frowning.

The room was still spinning. The dog was still barking. The music was still playing, though the volume had been lowered considerably.

She was in her bed.

The strap-on was gone.

Emily wasn't naked. She was wearing an oversized nightshirt and flannel pants.

It wasn't real. Even so, she couldn't stop shaking.

What she'd seen...what she'd done.

It had felt real. As real as what she'd done to Jackie.

It didn't happen. It was just a nightmare.

They had fallen asleep. They hadn't done anything except cuddle.

"You are my good sweet girl." Her aunt's words echoed in her head.

"Alison?" Emily's voice was like music to her ears.

Thank God. Oh, Emily, Thank God.

The brunette was alive.

But upon closer inspection, Alison saw that she had blood trickling from her lip. Not from Alison's teeth, but from the bony part of her knuckles that had broken free from Emily's grasp as Alison had rolled and kicked and cried in her sleep.

Emily had a gash in her lip that matched the one in her head.

Oh my God, I hurt her…

"I'm sorry." Alison scrambled for a tissue. "I'm so sorry."

Emily wasn't sure why she was apologizing, but then she looked down and saw blood droplets on her shirt. She touched her finger to her lip. She'd barely felt it. Her main concern had been Alison.

"Oh." She took the tissue that Alison had dabbed against her lip.

"I hit you?" Alison gawked.

"Punched would be more accurate." Emily tried to make light of it, but she didn't know what was going on in Alison's head. She didn't know about her nightmare. "But it's okay."

"No, it's not. God, I made you bleed, Emily." She glanced at the window, where the sound of the barking had been coming from.

Usually her neighbors didn't leave their dog out, but when they did, it made incessant racket. That's what she'd been hearing. That's what had triggered her dual nightmares. The nightmare within the nightmare. Her childhood. What she'd done to Emily. All meshed into one fucked up vision in her head.

"You make a lot of people bleed." Emily's words stopped Alison cold before she realized Emily was talking about her surgery career. "Besides, chicks dig scars, right?" She tried to make Alison feel better.

Not this chick. Not if the scars are on you…

Except…

Her eyes darted to her chest. She did have an appreciation for the scar there.

It saved her life.

"Are you okay?" Emily wiped some sweat from her brow. "You got really unsettled after that dog started to bark again. You were screaming a lot. I tried to wake you…"

Alison stared at her bloody lip. It was the first time in her entire life that she hadn't enjoyed the sight of blood. In fact, it made her want to puke. The blood was clotting. Emily would be fine. But Alison was still horrified. She'd bloodied her lip in the dream, too. What if her subconscious was trying to tell her something?

"I…I don't want to ever hurt you." Alison's voice came out soft.

She had never cared about anyone else's well-being before.

Emily looked at her like it was the most ridiculous statement in the world.

"You wouldn't. Not on purpose."

Wouldn't I? It's what I do…

But only to people who deserved it. Emily didn't fit that category.

"You were having a bad dream." Emily wrapped her arms around her. "It was just a nightmare. You're safe now."

"You're safe."

Her aunt's words were ringing in her ears.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Emily threaded her fingers through Alison's hair, which was damp from sweat.

Alison wasn't sure where she would even begin.

She'd never had bad dreams after a kill before. Usually she slept soundly. But Jackie's murder had somehow worked its way into her subconscious, and it had stirred terrible dreams about Emily.

The blonde would die before she let anything bad happen to Emily, that included by her own hand.

"I don't want to burden you." It was partially true, but the real reason she didn't want to talk about it was because then she'd have to admit to herself what she was capable of…that she might be capable of hurting Emily one day.

Sometimes her two worlds collided in her nightmares. She did things in them that she would never do in real life. When she was awake she could control her urges. But her subconscious had all the power when she was asleep.

Her nightmares were a mixture of grasping control and memories linking back to her past. It's why she'd hurt the brunette in her dream. Because she'd been hurt.

She had been a little girl with no control. She had been a young teenager who thought she had control, but learned very differently one night on a boathouse in Cape May.

The only time she felt like she was in control was when she held a scalpel in her hand.

Logically, she knew that the nightmare about Emily was just an overreach for control in her mind. She felt that control slipping, and it terrified her. Because the last time control had been taken away from her Darren Wilden tricked her out of her innocence.

She'd done essentially the same to Emily. She'd lied. She'd manipulated her. Emily had no idea who she really was.

I don't even know who I really am. She slipped into the confines of her mind so often she wasn't sure who the real Alison DiLaurentis was.

She wanted to have it all, but she knew something was going to have to give.

Doctor, friend, girlfriend, killer…

It's who I am.

But her loved ones would always come first. She would never become someone like Wilden. She would never hurt someone she cared about.

She shuddered.

The nightmare had unsettled her. Somewhere in her subconscious she'd buried terrible things, and they were clawing their way to the surface despite how hard she fought them.

Preened.

Born in blood.

Traumatized.

Groomed.

I never stood a chance at a normal life.

Until now.

"Ali…" Emily patiently took her hand.

So soft. So sweet.

"You wouldn't be burdening me. If anyone understands bad dreams, it's me. I still get the shakes from the shooting. And from…" She stopped short.

Maya. She still can't say her name.

"Other things in my past." Emily grimaced. "You can talk to me about anything. That's what I'm here for."

Alison let out a gust of air. She bit down on the inside of her cheek, proving to herself that she was truly awake. She didn't trust her bastard of a subconscious.

"I hurt you." The blonde's voice came out meek and quiet. She couldn't even pretend to act like she was strong. She was shaken to her core. "In my nightmare." She felt her eyes welling up with tears. She didn't recognize the monster in her dreams. "I didn't mean to. I just lost control."

"I know you could never hurt me." Emily kissed her forehead. "You saved my life. You are one of the best people I know."

Because you don't know the real me.

"That's not true." She was surprised by how honest the statement was. "I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. You saw me at the police station…"

"What I saw was a woman concerned about someone she cares very deeply for." Emily tried to settle her. "You're hardly the first person who has ever run towards a fight." She stroked Alison's hair.

Alison really liked it. It made her feel safe.

"When I saw him lunge for you I just…I blacked out." Alison touched Emily's face. "It terrified me. I haven't blacked out since I was a child. All I felt was the rage. Is it normal that I wanted to hurt him for what he did to you?" She reached up and touched the cut on her forehead.

"You were angry. That's normal." Emily traced her fingertips against Alison's jaw. "I've wanted to pulverize a few people in my life."

But you never did. That's the difference. You use your anger for the right reasons. You have control.

"I guess." Alison sighed. "It's just that I've seen what true anger can do. My parents…" She had to compose herself, "Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm my parents' daughter…that I got the worst of them."

Emily didn't let the words sit for long at all before she bucked back in disagreement.

"Honestly, from what you've told me, you got the best of your aunt and your brother." Emily's voice was low and soft, near her ear, a quiet whisper. "You're a good person."

"What if I'm not? What if my parents screwed me up more than I realized?" Like 'detaching limbs and waving severed penises around like those wacky inflatable tube wind sock things is normal for me' kind of screwed me up?

"I've never seen you doubt yourself before. Where is this coming from?"

Alison huffed out a breath. She rubbed her red hot cheeks.

Lie.

But despite her impulses to protect herself, the truth started to spill out of her.

"After what happened to my family I had a hard time coping." She squirmed uncomfortably, thinking of all the rough nights she'd had. "I would get these night terrors when I was a child. And sometimes I feel these horrible things in me. I feel like there is something wrong with me."

She thought her honesty might scare Emily away, but the brunette simply cocked her head, like she was processing.

She understands.

Of course she understands. She went through something similar after Maya died.

"Trauma response is different for everyone." Emily gave her a sympathetic glance. "There is no wrong way to deal with it. People don't get used to trauma. Those kinds of instances will always stick with you. That's the point of it being called trauma. You just learn to live with it."

"I replay things in my head over and over. I don't want to, but I do. I question everything." Alison lifted her shoulder and then tried to relax.

"What's it like? When you feel this out of control?" Emily searched her eyes, purposeful and thorough as she always did.

I see blood. I hear screams. I want to kill people.

She had to alter her version of the truth.

"I feel like I'm in the shadows with my feet weighed down, and I'm trying to drag myself out of the darkness. Except…" She paused, and slowly forced herself to look into Emily's eyes. She was still terrified that the detective would see past her walls.

"Except what?" Emily encouraged her.

"Except when I'm with you."

There was a bubbling sensation in her stomach and a lump forming in her throat. It was as close to affection as Alison had come to feeling for someone in a very long time.

"Something inside of me recognizes something inside of you. And it's like…" She had a hard time putting it into words. She'd never been good at sharing her feelings. "My life used to be this unanswered question." She could feel her heart beating faster. "And it's like my heart knows you're the answer."

You make me feel real.

"I don't feel alone anymore." She clenched her jaw, tears biting her eyes.

"Because you're not." Emily trailed her fingers against Alison's arm. "I'm not going anywhere." She placed a chaste kiss against her cheek. "Perhaps I'm meant to offer you the light you need."

She slowly reached up and gripped the side of Alison's neck, her fingertips soft against her flesh. Alison felt goosebumps percolating all over her body, prickling her.

Her touch…

My God. She's incredible.

Emily kissed Alison's temple. Her forehead. Both cheeks. She peppered her with kisses until her lips finally landed against Alison's.

There was a gentle suction between them as Alison kissed back. Her hand, the same one that had flailed around and accidentally struck Emily on the lip earlier, gently caressed her cheek.

When she pushed her lips back against the detective's she felt Emily hiss at the slight contact.

Unlike in Alison's nightmare, Emily's pain didn't arouse her at all. It did the opposite.

She pulled back and reached up with the tip of her finger, carefully touching it to the cut on Emily's lip. She delicately traced her finger over it before placing the softest kiss against it, directing all of her healing energy towards it.

"You are, you know." Alison whispered, considering Emily's words.

"Perhaps I'm meant to offer you the light you need."

"What?" Emily cupped her face, smiling at her.

"A light." Alison cleared her throat. "My light." There was a brief pause and she sighed. "I know it's no secret that I have a dark past, but you make me feel like I can carry it without the added weight."

Darkness was simply the absence of light. Emily was her light.

"I don't know how you do it." Alison traced the cut on her head. "How you see past my past."

"We all have a past." Emily wrapped her arms around the doctor. Her body was warm and fit Alison's perfectly. "I have my own demons that chase me."

If they were real I would rip them apart, cloven hooves and all.

"I guess that's perhaps why I feel so drawn to you. I know that you understand. I feel like I can be myself around you." Alison replied.

ALMOST myself. Murder-happy Alison notwithstanding.

"I like who you are." Emily breathed softly against her neck.

Would that be the case if you saw me earlier tonight in that garage?

"I like you." Alison smiled warmly. "I like it when you hold me."

She said it quietly, an underlying emotion behind it that she was still trying to figure out. A hint of embarrassment flooded her senses. But there was nothing to be embarrassed about their shared intimacy.

Emily normalized their touches. She normalized their feelings. She made her feel connected to something…to the world, maybe?

"Then I'll keep holding you." Emily gripped the blonde tighter and Alison let out a satisfied breath.

Alison inhaled a breath through her nose, letting the smell of Emily's lotion…of her body wash…of everything that made her smell so damn good…wash over her.

"Please do." Alison beamed, burying her head in Emily's warm chest. Never let me go. I always want to feel like this. I want the bad feelings to disappear forever.

"I will." Emily rubbed her arm with a smile. "Because I like holding you."

Her fingertips felt electric against Alison's bare skin.

Something passed between them, an invisible spark of flame. A heat that Alison felt burning her insides, dropping from her stomach down to her core. She felt unbearably hot.

What is happening to me?

Suddenly, she wanted more. Not just physical action. She wanted the emotional connection. But she was terrified of what she might do to Emily.

I won't hurt her.

She shifted in her arms, and Emily sensed the changes in her embrace.

Alison was ready. She was so beyond ready. But Emily had been committed to taking it slow, something that was killing both of them.

Alison's sex dreams were getting increasingly more violent, something that was worrying the blonde. Though it wasn't the first time she'd had disturbing erotic dreams about a partner, it was the first time she didn't like it. With Taylor, the dreams had made the sex more intense. Alison wasn't ever worried about hurting her. Taylor took everything Alison threw at her, and she came back twice as rough. But that's not what Alison wanted with Emily.

Fuck feelings. They're stupid.

Yet, she still acted on them.

Alison wormed her way around in Emily's hold. She silently reached up to touch the brunette's face, moving her body closer to Emily's, pressing a kiss against her lips that held a deep meaning in it.

"Ali, you're really vulnerable right now…" Emily replied softly, though Alison could see the wanton need in her eyes.

You want me. I can see it.

"That's not why." Alison cupped her cheek. "I promise."

Their bodies gently clashed at first, both moving to roll on top of the other at the same moment. It was only after Emily remembered Alison's fear of losing control that she relented and let Alison take the lead.

Alison wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her silky PJs, so the material coupled with the friction of the thicker material of Emily's flannel had her soaked almost instantly.

As Alison slowly let herself get lost in the motions she saw a flash of her nightmare. The shock and pain on Emily's face as she'd hurt her. It had tapped into a part of her psyche she never wanted to feel again.

I'm broken. I'm not normal.

Emily felt the pause in Alison's stride and she pulled her lips away.

"We can stop if you want…" Emily threaded her fingers through Alison's hair.

Alison simply shook her head. She shut the darkness out.

Her nightmares were just that…nightmares. They weren't real.

She had to come to terms with the demons dancing in her head…her dark thoughts. She couldn't let them consume her.

She knew it wasn't normal to fantasize about the things she fantasized about. It's why, at an early age, she'd set boundaries for herself. Those boundaries worked. She didn't act on every dark thought she had. What she'd done to Emily in her nightmare was horrible and unspeakable, but she also realized the dream was more about herself than it was about Emily. It was about how she'd felt trapped when she was younger. Emily represented that innocence in her head. And the monster she was so afraid of was simply her own mind.

Her nightmares didn't mean she wanted to do the same things in real life. She couldn't control what her mind was like when she was asleep. But she had control when she was awake.

I won't hurt you, Emily. I'll never hurt you.

Their bodies slowly writhed together. Emily gently lifted her leg, letting her clothed thigh rub against Alison's core. She could see the dark wet spot on Alison's silk pajama bottoms.

"Mmm…" Alison mewled into their kiss.

Emily's hand slowly moved down to her thigh and Alison swallowed a knot in her throat as visions of her past flashed in her mind.

"Get over here!"

"Smile for the camera."

"Relax, baby…"

Fuck them. Fuck all of them. They deserved to die.

Screams.

Rivers of blood.

Body parts.

Alison shuddered.

"Too much?" Emily broke their kiss long enough to peer into her eyes, sensing her hesitancy.

Alison's gaze darted down towards her mouth, anything to avoid the intimacy that came with connecting on that deep of a level. Because Emily would see her…would see who she really was. She made it seem like she was just looking at her lips in a fit of passion.

She shook her head and her mouth crashed against Emily's again, their breaths coming out through their noses heated and fast.

She rubbed herself against Emily's thigh while simultaneously using her other leg to brush up against Emily's center.

The thin material of Alison's pajamas came back streaked in wetness.

They moved together, their bodies finding a gentle rhythm.

Alison was soft with her. There was no urge to hurt Emily, no desire to assault her or wrap her hands around her neck and cut off her airway like she'd horribly visualized in her nightmare. It was just pure unadulterated ecstasy. Something she didn't have to strive for. It just was.

Perhaps she'd been at a standstill all her life because of her detachment to the rest of the world. Being with Emily propelled her forward in unimaginable ways. She was taking a leap.

She had spent her entire life pretending to go through the motions…of feelings, of attachments. But the nice thing about Emily was that she didn't have to pretend.

Everything inside of her started to boil over. She felt something building that she'd not felt with her flings in the past.

She moved against the brunette gently, the friction between them causing visions of stars to burst in her eyes. Her body clenched. Her insides were pulsing. She felt it coming.

She parted her lips and exhaled a shaky breath against Emily's mouth.

She didn't realize her eyes were closed until she felt Emily's fingers stroking her face.

"Open your eyes, Alison."

But she couldn't. She couldn't risk Emily looking into her eyes while she was completely at her mercy. She couldn't let her look into her soul and realize that there was nothing there.

Instead, she pretended like she was overwhelmed by the passion and the ecstasy that she felt. She buried her face in the crook of Emily's neck and nipped it, groaning against her skin.

Seconds later her core was throbbing against Emily's pajama bottoms. With a quiet cry, she came. Moments afterwards Emily followed.

Her body went limp against Emily's. She laid her cheek against the detective's chest to feel the thumping of her heart…the thrumming of the blood in her veins.

Blood is a life force. But it's so much more. It is what oxygen is to human nature. A divine scientific phenomenon so incredible that one can't help but marvel at its existence.

Human life is so fragile. It hangs in the balance of certain elements existing. If those elements didn't exist we would cease to exist.

Blood. Air. Life.

"Tell me what you're thinking." Emily kissed her temple.

"About life. And how fragile it is."

And how lucky I am to have you in it to protect my newfound fragility.

She'd never had a weakness before. She'd never felt like she had anything to lose. But as she laid in Emily's arms she realized that the closer she got to her, the more there was at stake.

She felt Emily's arms around her, holding her. And she relaxed into them.

"What are you thinking?" Alison yawned, tracing love-shaped patterns into the skin on Emily's arm with her index finger.

"How lucky I am to be here with you."

Alison smiled dreamily as Emily slowly stroked her hair. Something about the gentle motion slowly lulled her into a tranquil state.

As she drifted off she knew one thing for certain…Emily's touch would keep her nightmares at bay.

Emily laid awake after she'd fallen asleep. She watched Alison's chest slowly rise and fall. Her mouth twitched when she quietly breathed. She felt her fingers curling against her shirt, gripping the fabric like it was a lifeline, like she was a lifeline.

The detective couldn't help but smile at her scrappy little fighter. She was certain Alison would have leaped on the criminal's back at the station. She was protective and fierce. But she was also sweet and kind.

There were many different sides to Alison, and Emily felt grateful that the blonde was slowly becoming comfortable enough to open up to her. She really cared for Alison and she wanted them to share something real. She could tell that Alison was still having trouble connecting emotionally, especially since their make-out sessions had heated up, but she knew it was going to take time to break down her barriers. It was time she was willing to spend.

Alison had told her more than once she felt like she could be herself around her. Emily felt the same about her. She didn't shy away from her past. She didn't feel the need to hide her secret shame. She wanted to do things right, and that meant being completely honest.

It seemed to be working for them.

Emily looked down at Alison in her arms. It was a wonderful feeling.

The blonde slept soundly for the rest of the night. When she woke up she saw Emily's smiling face, and she couldn't help but smile back.

"Morning you." Emily shifted, moving the arm that had been around her all night.

She stretched her arms over her head, lacing her fingers together. Her knuckles popped.

Alison smothered her face into Emily's pajama top and smiled before taking in her first breath of crisp morning air.

"Morning you."

"How did you sleep the rest of the night?" Emily shifted her arm again, which had fallen asleep, though she hadn't had the heart to move it and risk waking her.

"Like a dream." The blonde yawned, her eyes crinkling at the morning sun peeking through her blinds. "How about you?"

"Perfect." Emily was used to sleepless nights. She would be just fine after injecting some caffeine into her veins. She fought back a yawn. She knew she needed to get up and get moving before work. "You hungry?"

Alison looked directly at Emily, not even trying to hide her intent that her vivacious appetite was more about Emily than it was about food.

"Always."

Emily chuckled.

"How about you let me make you some breakfast? I saw some pancake mix in the cupboard last night. Are you up for it?"

"I think I'd like that."

The last time someone had made her breakfast it had been her aunt. It was two days before they found out about her cancer.

They dragged themselves out of bed and went through the quick morning routine of brushing their teeth and washing their faces, smiling wordlessly at each other the whole time.

When they walked into the kitchen Alison started pulling out the ingredients while Emily grabbed the pancake-maker and the dishes.

Emily reached for the pancake mix and measured it with a cup before dumping it into a bowl. A cloud of the mixture dusted the air and sprinkled her face.

Alison grinned when Emily reached up to wipe her face. Emily caught the grin on her face and decided to give her something to laugh about.

She dipped her fingers into the floury substance and then flicked it at the blonde's nose.

"I hope you realize this means war." Alison giggled, reaching for a scoop and flinging a small portion of the powder on to her shirt.

"If it's war you want…" Emily reached for the whipped cream with a smirk, "Then it's war you shall have!"

She flipped the top off of the spray canister and sent a stream of whipped cream at her. Alison squealed out a laugh as it hit her cheek and her chest. She stuck her tongue out to the side to lick some of it off of her face.

In some ways, Alison felt like she was recapturing the youth that had been stolen from her. She never got to experience a real relationship. Emily's emphatic playful nature was just what she needed.

She scooped what was on her shirt and tossed it back at Emily. Some of it splattered in her hair.

"Oh no! Not the hair!" Emily feigned a cry, like it was her mortal weakness.

Alison felt triumphant, but only for a second. Emily sprayed her with the whipped cream again and when Alison started running around the kitchen to get away a chase ensued.

When Emily caught her she simply wrapped her arms around her and hugged her from behind.

"You missed a spot." She kissed the edge of her lip.

It was coincidentally the same spot she'd missed when they'd had ice cream together. If Emily didn't know any better, she would think Alison was leaving bits of sweet food for her there on purpose.

Once they finally settled down Emily made Alison the best pancakes she'd ever had in her entire life. It was one more point in the win column for the brunette. She was a hell of a cook.

When they were finishing up their breakfast, still sticky from their food fight earlier, Emily's phone chirped loudly.

She made a face as she reached for it, like she didn't appreciate the interruption.

Alison didn't appreciate it either.

"Hey, Cavanaugh. What's up?" She answered.

Alison saw the expression on her face go from playful to serious.

"Son of a bitch. Are you serious?" Emily didn't have to have Toby on speaker for Alison to know what he had just told her.

They found the roadkill.

Emily listened with an intensity that Alison couldn't help but admire. The blonde could tell that the discovery of the body excited some part of the detective. She wasn't happy there had been a death, of course, but she lived to solve crimes…just the way Alison lived to commit them.

She took note of the expression on Emily's face, banking it for the first time they fucked.

Made Love. She corrected herself, no matter how cheesy it sounded.

Fucking took the attachment out of it. Making Love meant something.

She remembered the conversation she'd had with her aunt when she pretended to be interested in having sex. Mary had no way of knowing that her first time had been with a man she ended up killing. Alison was well aware of the negative outcomes of sex. The pregnancy had scared the shit out of her, not only because she was so young and because the child was a product of a perverted man taking advantage of her, but because she was afraid if she had children they would be screwed up…just like her.

She peered at Emily, wondering what her children might be like.

Funny. Adventurous. Determined. Compassionate. Brave.

"Yeah. I'll be there as soon as I can." Emily rushed off the phone. The second she hung up she looked at Alison apologetically. "I wish I could stay to help you clean up, but that was a work call. I've got to go."

"What is it?" Alison tried not to sound too eager.

Emily wiped her face with a napkin and then scrambled to her feet.

"Another body was found this morning."

"Oh, that's terrible." She bit her tongue to keep from smiling.

Emily turned the sink faucet on and started to wash her dish.

Alison quickly walked up behind her.

"Don't worry about that. I'll take care of it." She nabbed the dish from Emily. "You've got more important things to do."

"Hey…" Emily gently cupped her chin. "Nothing is more important to me than you."

Alison smiled warmly at her. It wasn't the first time that they'd exchanged ideals about their feelings, but it still made her feel special.

Emily cradled her face and kissed her. Alison leaned into it.

"You taste like maple syrup." Alison grinned when they pulled away.

Emily chuckled softly.

"I'm sorry I made such a mess of your kitchen."

"We made a mess of it." Alison corrected her. "And it was a fun mess, so it was worth it."

"Hopefully we can have a more civilized lunch later." Emily wiped her hands on a dish towel.

"Will you have time?" Alison knew the investigation might take a while.

She knew because she'd been at the crime scene. It was going to take hours. In hindsight, that part of their relationship was going to get annoying. Every time she racked up another kill that meant less precious time with the detective.

"I'll make time." Emily kissed her again. "I've got to run home to grab a few things. I'll get cleaned up there. I'll see you in a few hours. Any requests for our next meal?"

"Anything you want." Alison shrugged.

She propped her chin on Emily's chest and looked up at her. Emily pecked a kiss against the tip of her nose.

As Alison watched her leave she realized she didn't want her to go. She always felt her absence when they separated.

It was only after Emily's car had pulled away that she realized…

I want more…

The question was whether or not it was worth the risk. The closer she allowed herself to become to the huntress seeking her out, the more difficult it was going to be to elude her prying eyes. How could she hope to continue her relationship with Emily while hiding her true nature?

The answer itself was fairly simple. Emily had already told her.

The brunette didn't see the darkness within. She only saw the speck of light…an untapped pool of potential slowly awakening inside of her.

Darkness is just the absence of light.

Alison thought that perhaps maybe that light would be enough.

---

A/N: I know parts of this were rough, but as Marilyn Monroe once said, "If you don't love me at my murder scenes, you don't deserve me at my pancake scenes" ...or something like that. Heh.

Hoping their genuine connection and their playful banter was enough to balance the gritty raw scenes in the chapter.