A/N: Whoever sent me that Emison edit ("Still Falling For You") back at the end of September, I'm sorry I was so late checking my mail. That was beautiful and I want to give you credit, so speak up if you made it! I want to give you ALL THE SHOUT OUTS. It's been shared to my Twitter and Tumblr already.
Chapter 15:
Age of Innocence
Detective Emily Fields had finally met her match in interrogation in the form of an inquisitive towheaded five-year-old. He stared at her from across her desk, eyeing her with a curious expression.
He wriggled in his seat – a constant motion of raw little boy energy that he couldn't contain. He reached out and touched everything within arms reach.
"Hey, stop that. Pay attention." His mother put her hands on top of his to still his motions.
"Aidan, can you tell me again why you hit Nolan and pushed him down?" Emily tried to put on her most serious face, but not serious enough to scar the kid for life.
Her voice was soft and kind, one that sounded like it belonged to a teacher and not a Homicide Detective.
"Well…" squirm, wiggle, wiggle "…cuz Nolan poked Liam in the eye…and Liam is my little brother and I'm s'posed to protect him."
"I see." Emily tented her fingers up in front of her mouth and bit back an amused grin as she looked at the blonde seated next to him.
"Mrs. Rivers, it seems to me that this is a clear-cut case of self-defense." She nodded at Hanna, who was likewise amused.
"What's that mean?" Aidan leaned forward. "Am I in trouble?" He pushed his little lip out in a pout, doing a perfect impression of his mother in her younger days.
He was the spitting image of Hanna. Same blonde hair. Clear blue eyes. Soft pale skin. The only thing he'd inherited from his father was his facial features. A deep set jaw and mischievous dimples. And a penchant for trouble, though that could be blamed on both parents.
"No, you're not in trouble." Emily kept her serious face on, "But you can't push and hit people when they make you mad, kiddo." No matter how much they deserve it… "Next time find a grown up, okay?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good boy…" She reached into her desk and pulled out a lollipop. She'd picked up a small bag of candy when she got Hanna's call.
She glanced at Hanna to make sure it was okay to give him the treat. Her look told Emily that the boy was used to sugar highs. Emily stretched the lollipop out to Aidan and he greedily grasped it.
"Cool! Thanks!"
Emily chuckled.
"You know, the last time I saw you, you were this big." She lowered her hand down to her knee.
He'd been a two-year-old terror and his mother had just given birth to his little brother. Liam, Hanna's youngest took more after Hanna's husband, Caleb. Brown hair. Soft cheeks rosy. But he had Hanna's blue eyes, and they shined like Aidan's.
"Wow, I was really that little?" Aidan glanced at her in awe.
"You were." Emily nodded.
"Your brother had just been born." Hanna added. She smiled at Emily. "You remember those crying jags I used to get watching cat litter commercials?"
Hanna used to call her at the oddest hours bawling about cats snuggling with their fake owners on TV.
"You had such a weird pregnancy." Emily snorted out a laugh.
Aidan let out an exasperated breath, clearly bored of the adults.
"Mooom, I'm hungry. Can I get my ice cream now?" He turned to face Hanna.
"In a little bit, smoosh-face. Why don't you do see what your Uncle Toby and your brother are up to?" Hanna pat his knee.
Aidan treated her words like a dog would a release command. He jumped out of the chair and bounded towards the door.
When he pulled it open they caught a glimpse of Toby hauling Hanna's three-year-old around over his shoulder, filling the building with shrieking giggles.
"I want a turn!" Aidan ran after them.
Emily saw the other officers watching the scene unfold in amusement. They didn't seem to mind that the precinct had suddenly turned into a daycare.
"You've certainly got your hands full." Emily laughed.
"Well, I guess I didn't completely screw him up given he yes ma'am'd you. He starts kindergarten soon. God help me." She fell back in her chair.
"Then he'll be the teacher's problem." Emily pointed out.
"Then God help her." Hanna blew a stray strand of hair away from her face. She still managed to look impeccable after running at the park. "You know, between the two of us…that little Nolan shit deserved it. He's been picking on Liam for weeks. I tried to talk to his mother, but she's a total psycho. I see where the boy gets it. Honestly, I would have pushed the brat down long before now if I thought I could get away with it without getting arrested."
"You definitely would have gotten arrested." Emily pulled a hand full of jolly ranchers out of the candy bag, offering one to Hanna. "But I would have bailed you out."
Hanna declined, but Emily opened one and popped a green apple flavored piece of candy in her mouth.
"You're a good friend." She gave Emily a tender-hearted half-smile.
When Hanna had called and asked if Emily could spare a few minutes to play a little 'scared silly' after Aidan got into a tiff on the playground Emily told her to bring him in.
"Thank you for doing this. Nolan's bitch of a mother had a shit-fit about it. Apparently her demon spawn has a sprained ankle. I guess as a mom I get why she wanted me to punish him. I definitely don't want my sons to think violence is okay. I want them to learn that their actions have consequences."
"And ice cream is consequences?" Emily gave her a teasing grin.
"The ice cream is more for Liam. He was really brave at the eye doctor. No scratches on his eye, thankfully." She breathed a sigh of relief.
"I was just giving you a hard time. Aidan seems like a good kid. I don't think you have anything to worry about."
Hanna let out a boisterous laugh.
"I'm sorry, are you forgetting what I was like as a teenager? How many times did we have to outrun the cops?"
"That's a good point." Skinny dipping in the water park came to mind.
"And Lord, his father…" She huffed. "That boy was trouble with a capital T."
"I seem to recall you being attracted to that brand of trouble." Emily smirked.
"Of course I was. It's why I fell in love with him." Hanna rubbed her yoga pants with her palm.
"Didn't you two go at it in a school broom closet once?" The detective lifted her brows.
"It's a wonder I didn't end up a pregnant teenage statistic." Hanna hauled back and snickered. "Do you know how hard we laughed when we came out and saw that wet floor sign in front of the door?"
"Compliments of me and Maya…" The moment Emily said her name she stalled.
She had been doing well since this morning. She hadn't thought of Maya since waking up next to Alison.
Pushing her memory away sent a surge of guilt through her. She should be thinking about her, on today of all days.
Happy birthday, Maya…
Hanna reached across the desk and cupped Emily's hand.
"It's today, right?" Hanna asked. "Her birthday?"
Emily nodded, clearing her throat to fight off the tears she felt building.
"How've you been doing?"
"Stressed." Emily shrugged. "Constantly stressed. But that's nothing new."
Hanna scowled at her.
"It is on today. Like you need another reason to run for the bottle?"
"I'm good, Han. I've got enough to keep me occupied here today. And I have dinner with the parental unit and my girlfriend tonight." Emily's answer seemed to satisfy Hanna.
"Think Mama Fields will approve of your new bae?" Hanna slowly pulled her hand back.
"Who knows? She's trying. I'll give her that. She's been trying a lot harder since my dad died."
"Not that I could ever condone the way she acted towards you and Maya after you came out, but parents fuck up, too. Trust me. I mean…here I am…" Hanna waved in the general direction of the entire office. "My son would have ripped that kid's throat out if I hadn't stopped him. And for a split second…I didn't want to stop him. Things are…weird when you have children."
"You'd never disown Aidan if he told you he was gay." Emily countered.
"True. I'd probably throw him a coming out party complete with confetti canons and a skywriter. I'd be that annoying mom who wanted to know what kind of pizza his boyfriend likes…because we all know that pizza toppings are what determines who people can marry."
"We are gathered here today to join these two fine young gentleman in Holy Pepperoni. They have written their own toppings, which we will be proceeding with at this time. Make a note that if the wedding isn't over in thirty minutes or less, the ceremony is free!" Emily did an outlandish impression of a wedding officiator, turned pizza chef, cracking her friend up. Emily sighed. "If only it was that easy with my mother."
"It'll be fine. You and your mom are finding your footing again. And she will love Alison."
"You really think so?"
"Girl, you bagged a hot doctor. What's not to love?"
"Your grace astounds me." Emily snorted sarcastically.
Before Hanna could respond they were interrupted by a tiny little voice.
"Mama?" Little Liam came toddling into the room and walked over to Hanna.
Emily could see the red rim around his injured eye. It was teary and bloodshot from where the other kid had poked him.
I would have hit Nolan, too. Emily felt a strong maternal instinct kick in out of nowhere.
She watched as Hanna's baby crawled into her lap, thumb in his mouth.
"Hi, Liam." Emily waved with a smile.
The three-year-old mirrored her smile with a shy smile of his own. He waved back with his free hand.
"We should probably get going. Someone needs to get home for his N-A-P." Hanna lowered her voice to spell it out.
Liam's head perked up.
"Ice cream?" He asked curiously.
"Okay, baby boy." She kissed the top of his head. "Thanks again, Em. I know you're busy."
"Never too busy for you, Han."
"You want to join us? My treat."
"I wish I could. I've got to catch up on some things. Definitely next time." Emily pushed her chair away from her desk and stood up.
Hanna stood up, swinging Liam on to her hip.
"You know you can visit me any time. Your children don't have to commit crimes in order for you to swing by." Emily winked at her friend.
"Next time I see you I promise it will be because of adult trouble." She winked back.
Emily couldn't help but laugh.
She walked Hanna towards the front desk. Toby had ahold of Aidan and was hanging him upside down. The little boy was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. His normally pale porcelain cheeks were the color of cherry tomatoes.
"You gonna stay out of trouble, Little Man?" Toby tickled his side as he flipped him over and tussled his hair.
He put him down on the ground and the kid wavered, trying to get his equilibrium back in check. He bounced back, like children often did.
"Yes! Promise!" Aidan ran over and grabbed his mom's hand, still laughing.
Emily walked her friend out to her car, waving goodbye. Aidan spun around and waved to her through the back windshield.
My, how time goes by…
She couldn't help but wonder if Alison would be interested in having kids one day.
Where did that come from?
It was way too soon to even consider it, and it wasn't something Emily had thought about before seeing Hanna's boys.
When she got back inside the station she found Toby sitting at his desk, brooding. He looked like a pouting child.
"What's wrong, Cavanaugh? You miss your playdate friends?" She nudged him as she walked by him to grab a bagel from his desk.
She loved that he always had food around.
"Hell of a jump from tickle fights to actual fights…" He glanced at his notes, "…and murder."
He sighed and peered at the pile of files on his desk.
"Yeah, I hear you." Emily picked up a blueberry bagel, picking off an edge piece to chew.
"It was kind of nice to have kids around here laughing." Toby smiled.
"Don't worry. Knowing Hanna's kids, I'm sure they'll be back." It elicited a laugh from her partner.
It wasn't often they had little ones in the police station, much less smiling little ones. Having Hanna's boys around had boosted morale.
But with every upside there was also a downside.
The joyous innocence of the boys felt especially morbid considering the next kid they would be seeing was coming in to help them catch her rapist father.
Emily opened the Roland file and looked at an image of Chloe Roland. She looked like she had the entire world ahead of her, but inside there was a dark sadness. Emily flipped to a picture of her baby sister Grace, who was the picture of innocence.
Chloe was probably doing what she was doing to protect her little sister…just like Aidan had been protecting Liam.
Emily shook her head.
She couldn't fathom Hanna's sons ever being stacked into a case file like this. It made her sick to her stomach to think about it.
She expected Chloe's demeanor to be shy and subdued, but the young girl commanded the room the second she walked into the precinct hours later with her mom and baby sister.
Furey had suggested Emily take the DNA sample from her. He thought the young girl might be less intimidated by a female officer. But fear was not something Emily saw in the teenager's eyes when she walked out to the lobby to get her.
Chloe stood up, ready to greet the officer. She was on her feet before her mother – who had the baby in her lap – could get to her feet.
Chloe had an air of confidence despite her young age.
From her file, Emily knew that she swam competitively. She cringed, wondering if the girl's father watched her races with nefarious thoughts in mind about the other girls.
When Emily sat Chloe down in a room with a two-way mirror to explain the process of what they were doing Chloe never once looked at her mother. She wasn't afraid. She was determined.
She was also very kind. She cuddled her baby sister when the infant started to get fussy.
"We'll be done soon, Gracie." She kissed her forehead.
How does such a horrid man have such wonderful children?
It made Emily consider Alison's childhood. Despite what she'd learned about the DiLaurentis family, Alison had grown up to be one of the kindest and most empathetic women she'd ever met.
At least…as far as she knew…
Chloe looked directly at the detective, and before Emily could say a word the teenager declared,
"I'm sure he did it." Her tone softened and she looked down at the floor, looking every bit her delicate sixteen years of age, "What they say he did…"
"Chloe, you don't have to say anything. This isn't an interrogation. We're not questioning you or your mother." Emily looked at the baby and smiled jokingly, "Or the little one here."
"The little one talks a lot." Chloe smiled in return. "It's mostly gibberish, but I listen anyway."
Emily watched as the teenager comforted her little sister.
She pulled on a pair of latex gloves and a grabbed a tube with a long narrow swab in it.
"We just need to get a cheek swab of your DNA and then you can be on your way." Emily wanted things to be as easy as possible. She knew all too well what it was like to grow up too fast.
"You guys still haven't found him, have you?" Chloe's line of questioning was very pointed. Emily's bet was that he was hiding out until his injuries healed. Chloe seemed to think the same. "Business trip, my ass."
"Chloe, language." Her mother scowled, a penetrating mother glare that Emily felt in her soul. Even grown adults quivered when mothers used the 'don't test me, child' face. It was a universal reaction to flinch.
"Sorry. I just want to help." Chloe neatly folded her hands together on the table.
"I just need you to open your mouth." Emily pulled out the sterile swab.
"Open my mouth, you say? I can do that. Wanna hear more about my dickhead father?"
"Chloe, just do as the detective says." Her mother jabbed a warning finger at her. She shifted her other daughter in her lap.
Chloe let Emily take the sample.
Emily thanked her and led them towards the door. Her mother walked out with the baby, but Chloe stopped, hesitating in the doorway.
For a split second Emily thought the girl would change her mind. Instead, Chloe doubled down.
"If it comes back a match and it proves he did it…" She paused, considering her words carefully. "You know what I wish?"
"What?"
"That the Scarlet Letter Killer would just get rid of him."
Emily secretly wished that, too, but she was stunned to hear it from his own daughter. She was ready to kill the man herself. But they had law and order for a reason. She felt slimy for even considering it. Her conscience was constantly pulling her in different directions.
Chloe sighed.
When Emily looked at her she saw that the young girl had tears in her eyes.
"Chloe, are you alright?" She gently put a comforting hand on the girl's shoulder.
"Jenna is my friend. And if he…" She stuttered, "…if he hurt her, and those other girls…" Her thought was interrupted by her sister, who started wailing outside the door.
Chloe peered at Emily.
"Maybe don't look too hard for him. He's probably slumming it up somewhere. Let the killer running around Rosewood take care of him."
It was the last thing she said before she walked out. She really hated her father.
Emily walked to the door on the opposite side of the room, using her keycard to access the room behind the mirror.
Toby and Chief Furey were standing there with a lab technician. Toby had his arms folded over his chest, a pensive expression on his face.
"Put a rush on it. Thanks, Tammy." Emily handed the swab to the lab technician. She pulled the gloves off and faced Toby. "Were you watching?"
"She could be useful in court." Toby lowered his arms. "We should talk to her."
Emily shot him a look.
"We're not using a kid." All she could think about was Alison, a vulnerable little girl being forced to relive her trauma over and over again when the cops questioned her.
"She seems savvy." Furey weighed the idea in his head. "She's a tough one." He looked between his two detectives. "Though, I do have some reservations…"
He sided with Emily. He had a soft spot for children. He always had. He'd never forget how he'd buckled to his emotions when questioning Alison DiLaurentis when she was seven years old.
The first interview had been only days after she'd witnessed her entire family's slaughter. She had looked so small on the couch at her aunt's house. He'd seen a look of fear in her eyes every time he mentioned her father.
That bastard of a man. Furey didn't condone murder, but what he had done to those children made him angry enough to kill.
Alison was every bit as upset at the station days later, though not outwardly. She didn't cry, but her behavior was that of a child that was very uncomfortable. He'd watched her revert to a younger version of herself as a form of coping. She'd crawled into her aunt's lap and sucked her thumb like an infant.
"She wants to see her father face the consequences of his actions. I bet if we asked the mother she'd give consent. I think she's tougher than you two are giving her credit for." Toby pushed.
"It's a front she's putting on." Emily stared into the empty room. "She grew up with a monster. She had to learn how to adapt…learn how to be brave."
Just like Alison had learned how to adapt. Children from abusive households often put up barriers and walls to protect themselves. They learned how to dodge the hits, both literal and metaphorically. But that didn't mean they didn't get hurt. The damage was everlasting.
She saw it in the blonde. She saw it when her walls came down…when she was vulnerable. It was a weight she carried. It was in her eyes every time Emily peered into her soul.
"She's a strong kid. And when she looks back on today she'll remember your compassion." Toby put his hand on her shoulder. "You did a really good job in there, Fields."
Then why do I feel so fucking lousy? Why the hell isn't this man behind bars yet? Why can't I even protect my own goddamn girlfriend? Why is a sixteen-year-old girl holding it together better than I am?
She hated that Chloe had to do what she'd done. She hated that a child had to suffer for the sins of her father.
"I'll go update the case file." Furey's brows knitted together, deep in thought, weary from all the death and despair in his town. "Keep up the good work." He nodded at Emily and Toby as he disappeared through the door.
Good work. There those words were again.
Doesn't feel that good to me...
"Where are we on SLK? Any new developments?" Emily questioned.
"No." A sneer. "We really need to step up our game. If we don't get a lead soon the Feds are going to swoop in."
"No pressure." Emily laughed nervously. She glanced at the time. "I'll dive back into it in a bit. I've got to run. I've got dinner in an hour."
Before she turned to walk away Toby reached for her arm.
"Hey, you good?" His voice was low, a gentle kindness. His baby blue eyes bore into hers.
"You worry entirely too much." She cracked an innocent smile.
It was a smile she had been working to perfect for years. Hiding behind the pain. It was hard to fight it on a normal day, but dealing with the pain of her loss on days that she should be celebrating Maya's life still hurt.
Toby sighed and shook his head.
Shit. He saw through it.
"You're not okay, are you?" he questioned.
"I'm not not okay." Emily's gaze drifted to the left of her best friend. She couldn't look him in the eyes and lie. Hell, she couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him the truth.
She didn't feel like Maya could truly rest until her killer was caught. She had let Maya go a long time ago. What she hadn't let go was the circumstances of her death.
To complicate matters, she was falling in love. The feelings she had for Alison were intense. She didn't know how to feel about it. She felt things for Alison that she'd never felt with Maya. In a way, it felt like she was cheating on her dead girlfriend.
We never broke up.
They hadn't ever officially broken up because Maya had been killed...ripped out of her life.
"I think about that night, too." Toby jolted her out of her thoughts. "It was my first homicide…"
Sometimes Emily forgot that he'd been left with scars from that night. Finding her at the scene of a horrific crime clutching her dead girlfriend in her arms.
The aftermath had been a mess. They'd wanted someone else to question her since Toby was so close to her, but she wouldn't talk to anyone but him.
Sympathy and affection bubbled in her chest. She reached out and put her hand on top of his.
"You don't know how much I appreciate you looking out for me all these years." She was finally able to make eye contact with him. "I couldn't have asked for a better big brother, a better partner…"
"Stop fluffing my ego. You know my head is big enough as it is." He rubbed his fingers through his hair.
"I really do appreciate you, Toby. I want you to know that."
"I do." He studied the look on her face. He could see the intensity behind her eyes. The pressure was building. "Don't internalize it, Emily." He leaned against a table, putting his palms down and gripping the edge of it. "Want some advice?"
"No. But you're going to give it to me anyway." Emily gave him a crooked smile.
"Run it out. Box it out. Sweat it out. Do whatever it takes to keep you from running back to the bottle." His face was fixed in concern.
After a few seconds Emily nodded.
"I won't ever put you through that again. You have my word."
"Damn well better." Toby laughed a hard laugh.
Emily's phone buzzed from her pocket. She pulled it out and looked at the screen, her lips twisting into a smile.
Toby recognized the smile and the glint in her eyes.
"Tell Alison I said hello." He was on his feet again, heading for the door. "I'll let you know as soon as we have results."
"Thanks." Emily peered at the message on the screen of her phone, already feeling better.
Sooo hungry…
Her body twitched. Alison could have meant she was hungry for dinner. Or…something else.
If only I could skip dinner and go for the main course...
She could dine on the blonde all night long and never have her appetite fulfilled. After that scene she'd seen play out in the bedroom with the vibrator she'd been itching to taste her.
What exactly are you hungry for? Emily swiped her reply, adding a devil and a winking emoji.
Alison answered with something simple, direct.
A peach emoji.
Heat flooded her cheeks.
Alison didn't help matters when she sent a follow up emoji of a doughnut.
Cream filling, just for you.
The detective rushed home to take a cold shower to cool down so she wouldn't look like a horny bag of hormones at dinner.
As she let the hot water beat against her back she thought about a time Alison had cradled her face and lovingly pressed kisses against her shoulder after a wild night of sex that had left her drained, and quite frankly…a bit sore.
After she turned the shower off she found her body heated for an entirely different reason.
She fretted over picking an outfit. She hadn't ever cared what she had worn to her mother's before. But tonight was different.
She went with pair of dress pants and a flowery shirt that she hated, but her mother loved.
When she went to pick up Alison she was pleasantly surprised to find her dressed in a conservative blue dress with black trim. It was longer than all of her other dresses and skirts.
It was clear that the doctor wanted to impress her mom.
Turns out, she didn't have to try very hard.
The second they walked through the door Pam Fields hustled over to them in elation.
"Dr. DiLaurentis, it's so good to see you again!" Her enthusiasm was confusing for Emily.
"Alison." The blonde smiled politely. "I'm just…you can call me Alison."
"Alison," Pam said the name with such love and affection.
Emily gawked in shock.
Who are you and what have you done with my mother?
She wasn't used to her mother being so friendly with the women in her life.
Then again, it's not like she had been introducing her mom to all the one-night stands she'd been weeding through. Those would be awkward meals.
"So, how do you know my daughter?"
"Oh, from the multiple orgasms she gave me last night. Let me tell you, this woman knows how to work a minky muff and titties with nipple rings in 'em."
"Ah, oh, uh...well...do you like yams? Have some yams."
Her mother wouldn't be able to compute. She'd have a complete breakdown.
"Emmy said you like Chicken Marsala." Pam's eyes danced in delight.
Alison's lips twisted into a smile.
"Emmy?" she mouthed at her girlfriend.
Emily rolled her eyes, and Alison felt her heart pattering against her ribcage.
The cynicism I live for.
The blonde faced the older woman, feeling at ease with her smile. Alison studied Pam's face. Emily had gotten her nose and her smile from her mom.
"I love Chicken Marsala, Mrs. Fields."
"Mrs. Fields." She scoffed. "For Heaven's sake, drop the formalities." She waved them towards the kitchen. "You've had your hands inside of my daughter…" Emily and Alison shared a wide-eyed look, "…pulling that bullet from her chest."
That's not where their minds had gone. They both snickered.
Pam didn't even blink at what she'd accidentally indicated. Instead she started grabbing glasses from the cabinet.
"What would you like to drink?" Pam asked. "I've got a chilled bottle of Rosé."
Alison lifted her brows and looked at Emily.
Emily subtly shook her head and Alison realized,
Your mother doesn't know you don't drink.
"I really appreciate you going to the lengths to do that, but I'm not really much of a drinker. I like to stay sharp for my patients." Alison politely declined.
"Ah, smart woman. Very responsible." She replied to Alison, but looked at Emily to let her know she approved. "Emily?" Her mom held the bottle up.
"No thanks, mom."
"Ah, well, more for me, I suppose."
Emily couldn't get over her mother's chipper attitude. Was it because Alison was there?
"There is a pitcher of ice water in the fridge…"
"I'll get it." Emily moved towards the sleek black refrigerator. It was covered in pictures. Some from her childhood. Some of scenery. Others from her parents' travels.
Alison walked up behind her. She peered at the photos.
Emily hadn't noticed her yet. She was staring at a picture of her father all decked out in his dress blues.
Alison wrapped her arm around Emily's waist and laid her chin against Emily's shoulder.
She couldn't feel what other people felt, but she knew what grief looked like...and she could feel it radiating off of her.
"You have his eyes." She reached up and tenderly touched the brunette's cheek with the tips of her fingers.
A smile flickered for a moment, then faded.
Emily grabbed the chilled water and walked over to the table, which Pam had already set for them. The main course was in the middle, side dishes off to the side.
"I love that blouse." Her mother approved of Emily's clothing choices.
I knew you would. Emily thought back to how she'd fretted over what to wear.
Emily was unusually quiet as they sat at the table.
Pam said grace, but Emily didn't bow her head. Alison did...to keep up with appearances.
I will walk through hellfire to please this woman so I may continue to fuck her daughter and to enjoy her company and make her feel the way her heart makes me feel.
Alison peeked up during Pam's dinner sermon, cocking her head when she caught a glimpse of an emotion in the detective she didn't recognize. She was holding something in. Usually Alison was good at reading her emotions, but the brunette had seemingly shut down.
Why?
"Amen," Pam said.
Alison quickly followed it up with an echo of the word. Emily murmured it.
Alison nudged her hand underneath the table and Emily turned to smile at her. She curled her fingers against Alison's, and for a brief second there was a spark of life in her eyes. She squeezed her hand before letting go.
Alison picked up her knife, holding it tightly for a moment, feeling the power of the weapon in her hands.
Why do I always think like that? What's wrong with me?
She couldn't even cut a fucking piece of chicken without thinking about her compulsions. She slid the knife through the tender meat and delicately pushed her fork into a small piece, taking note of the thin skin.
For once, she wanted her killer instincts to leave her be.
When the flavor hit her mouth her taste buds started dancing. It was one of the best…no, the best…Chicken Marsala dish she had ever had.
"The chicken is delicious, Mrs. Fields." Alison took another graceful bite.
Pam raised her finger, as if she was going to scold her. She waggled it,
"What did we say about that? It's Pam to you. Not Mrs. Fields. You can call me Pam."
Emily's hand tightened around her fork. Her vision spotted before her eyes. She couldn't help but think about the last girl who had tried to call her mother "Pam."
o ~ O ~ o
~ Then ~
Maya's birthday on Coney Island had been one of the best nights of Emily's life, pre-Alison.
Maya and Emily had come swinging into Toby's driveway around one in the morning.
They were surprised to find Pam on the front porch.
The young police cadet hadn't been home or he would have told Emily's mother to keep her distance.
"Mom." Emily stiffened when she saw her. She had her arm wrapped around Maya's waist, something that the older woman pretended not to notice. Emily could feel the judgment radiating off of her. "What are you doing here?"
"You weren't answering your phone. Where were you?" Not even bothering to acknowledge Maya. Not even a friendly hello.
Rage started broiling in the pit of Emily's stomach.
She doesn't get to do this. I'm not a child anymore. She doesn't get to barge in on MY life with MY girlfriend and demand to know where I am or what I'm doing.
Maya answered for her.
"We went out for my birthday." The small slender girl smiled at Pam.
Pam didn't smile back. No happy birthday. Nothing.
"Why are you here?" Emily's brow tightened in confusion, and a little bit of distrust.
The older woman shifted unevenly on her feet.
"It's about your father."
Emily instinctively grabbed Maya's arm for support. She felt like she might faint. Maya held her steady. Always and forever her rock.
"Is dad okay?" She managed to choke the words out.
"There was an attack on his base. He was injured, but he's going to be okay. It was just minor scrapes and bruises." She seemed more rattled than she was letting on. "I didn't want you to see it on the news. I've been trying to call you all night."
A disapproving glare.
"It's my fault. We turned our phones off." Maya had wanted to be in the moment with Emily, no distractions. "I'm so sorry, Pam."
"Mrs. Fields." Pam abruptly cut her off with an angry huff. "I am Mrs. Fields to you."
Emily was taken aback by her mother's attitude. She knew she was frazzled...scared and hurting. But it wasn't fair for her to take it out on Maya.
"And this is a family matter…"
Are you fucking kidding me? Emily was fuming.
Emily cut her off,
"Don't talk to her like that." She stepped in front of Maya defensively.
"Emily, it's okay…" The hurt in her girlfriend's voice was obvious.
The brunette unleashed hell on her mother to protect Maya.
She had finished with a silent subtle "fuck you" when she told her she would call to check on her dad herself and then left her out on the front porch, alone.
She should have felt bad about it, but she was so angry and hurt and embarrassed by her mother's actions. Parents were supposed to protect their children, not hurt them.
When they got inside the house Maya's entire demeanor shifted.
"You didn't have to do that." Quietly, she reached out and touched Emily's trembling arm.
Emily pulled away, still angry, not trusting herself with her anger.
"Yes." Was the simple response she'd gotten. "I did."
A day which should have been about celebrating her girlfriend's life had turned sour on the drop of a dime because of her mother.
"How about we go call your dad?" Maya linked her fingers between Emily's. "Make sure he's okay?"
"Yeah." Emily bit her lip. "Hey, I'm really sorry about her…"
"It's okay. I can take it."
"That's not the point…" You shouldn't have to.
"Emily, really, I'm fine." She smiled. "We're fine. I'm going to grab my laptop, okay?"
Before Emily could say anything else Maya bounded towards the guest room, which had become Emily's room. Emily watched her go, a heavy sadness weighing on her.
Happy birthday, Maya.
o ~ O ~ o
Emily blinked, staring at her mother. The older woman had an idea of what she was thinking about. She could see it in her eyes.
Pam weighed the situation.
After a few seconds she leaned forward and reached for a dish in the center of the table.
"More potatoes?" She offered with a smile.
Alison watched the strange exchange. Everything about it was wrong. It felt still and robotic. Alison knew robotic. She had programmed herself to act human.
But Emily wasn't like that. Emily wore her heart on her sleeve.
Alison was unable to determine the emotions running across Emily's features. The sun was still there in her eyes, but something occluded it. A rainbow of light and dark.
The brunette was ramrod straight in her chair. She seemed stiff, but she pointedly returned her mother's smile.
What kind of show are you putting on for me, Emily? Why are you wearing that mask?
"I would love more potatoes. Thanks." She took the dish from her mother.
"So…Alison, how did you determine you wanted to be a doctor?" Pam tried to liven the conversation up again.
I enjoy smearing the world with blood. Seeing it calms me.
That would give Pam Fields a heart attack. The last thing she wanted to do was accidentally murder Pam Fields.
If I kill Emily's mother she might never sleep with me again…
"Well, as you probably know…" The surgeon's tone was soft, somber, a tone that made others feel pity. "I lost my family when I was a little girl."
"Yes." Pam's face bestowed a kindness that only a mother could have. Alison had seen it in many mothers over the years. But never her own.
"Such a horrible thing." She made a tsk sound with her mouth. "I'm so sorry you went through that."
Caused it, you mean.
"Thank you. That's very kind of you to say." Playing her like a fiddle…and she's just Georgia watching the Devil burn. "All I wanted to do after that was help people." She reached for her water and took a calculated sip, pausing for effect, letting Pam soak in her 'selflessness'. "I suppose a bit of it was selfish on my part…searching for a way to give myself a sense of peace in relieving other's suffering…"
What she was saying was an abbreviated version of the truth. She killed people to make the world better. It alleviated her suffering, as well as future would-be victims. A lot of what she did was in her own self-interest.
"Of course not!" Pam interjected. "You're incredibly selfless. It's a very noble profession." She glanced at her daughter. For a moment her face twisted in agony. She reached across the table and touched Emily's hand. "I'll never be able to repay you for saving my Emmy…"
Emmy. There it is again. Alison smirked.
Emily loosened up in her chair when she saw Alison smiling at her nickname. The blonde truly brought the best out in everyone, including her mother.
Pam fawned over the doctor all night, asking questions and seemingly loving all the answers.
As the evening wore on they shared stories about their lives. Alison avoided a major portion of her childhood. Pam was clearly curious about it, but the woman didn't bring it up again after Alison mentioned it. She didn't treat her any differently. And Alison liked that.
After they finished up they helped her clean up. Alison excused herself to go to the restroom before they left.
Emily stood by the front door as her mother prattled on about how much fun she'd had.
"She's a delight, Emily. I really like her."
Emily was so conflicted about her mother's new acceptance. She appreciated that she was trying, but she resented that she hadn't tried sooner.
"Your mother hates me, Emily! She hates me because she CAN'T hate you!"
What would have become of Maya if her mom had accepted her back then?
Emily doubted they would still be together. She loved Maya very much, but she could look back with clarity and see that they were destined for different paths.
But she might still be alive.
"Thanks for having us, Mom." She tried to make sure her smile came across as genuine.
"Thank you for giving me the chance to get to know your girlfriend…" She reached up and stroked Emily's cheek with the back of her knuckles, "And reacquaint myself with the wonderful woman that you have become."
Tears burned Emily's eyes. Her heart was torn. All she'd ever wanted was her mother's acceptance. Now that she had it…why was her heart still breaking?
They walked out of the house, leftovers in hand – at Pam's instance. Emily waved absentmindedly to her mother. She couldn't stop the thoughts swirling in her head.
Maya, I owe it to her to solve her murder.
Hanna's babies…so innocent in such a shit world.
Chloe Roland. That child deserves better.
Tim Roland. Fucking piece of shit...
Mom. So confusing.
Alison. God, my sweet girlfriend...
The SLK. It's too much.
It's all too much.
I need a fucking drink.
She was buzzing with energy, and she felt the calling of the bottle. She wanted to sneak away from Alison and find the closest bar.
Then she remembered what Toby said,
"Run it out. Box it out. Sweat it out."
She glanced towards the trunk of her car. She kept her gym bag in it at all times. Sometimes she'd stop by the gym at the station after a really tough day.
Today was one of those days.
She walked towards the trunk, her finger hovering over the "open" on her key fob.
"I hardly think a few containers of leftovers needs to go in the trunk." Alison sauntered up next to her.
"I need to blow off some steam." She popped the trunk.
Alison walked her fingers up Emily's spine.
"I know how we can relax." She massaged her neck.
Emily smiled softly.
"Not that kind of steam." Emily pulled out her gym bag. "But maybe later though." She pressed a kiss against Alison's lips.
She felt distant, and Alison didn't like it. Emily was stuck in her head, and the blonde couldn't quite understand why.
Then again, maybe it was a good thing that the detective wasn't focused.
Emily was so distracted that she didn't notice that Alison was distracted, too.
Tim Roland still hadn't been found.
Alison had managed to keep it together during dinner. She was poised and warm and charming. No one would have guessed that her mind had been on a bloody corpse the entire time.
He should have been found by now.
She didn't like that there was no word. People roamed those woods every day. Why hadn't anyone called it in?
The car ride to the gym was quiet, but not in an uncomfortable way.
Emily couldn't stop thinking about catching Roland. It was the only thing keeping her from thinking about Maya's dead body. She was hyper-focusing on catching a bad guy to save people like Maya. She knew she needed to focus her energy on the resident serial killer, but she couldn't get Alison's bruised face out of her mind.
Tim had done that to her. Not the serial killer. Tim fucking Roland.
Emily pulled the car up to the gym that was attached to the police station. It was for employees only and she knew the place well enough to know it would be empty. Most of the guys preferred a bigger workout space.
They walked in, and just as Emily suspected…they were the only ones there.
Alison explored the area as Emily popped into the changing room. When she turned around she saw Emily in the same tight-fitting yoga pants she'd been in the day she'd talked to Roland at the park. A sports bra hugged her chest.
Sweet Mother of Downward Dog. I want to fuck her right now.
The brunette chose a treadmill in the corner of the room.
Small space. She wants to think. She needs to be alone with her thoughts.
Alison watched as Emily ran at a grueling pace. She could see the brunette's firm supple ass through her tight pants. Her muscles bulged. Her breasts bounced in her sports bra. Sweat drizzled down her abs. It was a beautiful sight to see.
The blonde daintily lifted the lightest weights she could find, pretending to be out of shape to help keep up appearances. She felt a little silly doing it, especially in a dress. Her attire only added to her meek persona. If Emily knew her true strength she might figure out what she was capable of.
Once Emily was finished on the treadmill she made her way into the boxing area. Alison curiously followed.
The blonde stared at the large bag hanging from the ceiling. She imagined a body hung upside down. A murderer maybe. Or a rapist. She could see herself digging a knife across the person's throat and slitting it clean open, blood spraying against her protective gear like a baptismal shower.
The thought spawned a growing warmth in her stomach. An urge. A need.
Emily pulled a pair of boxing gloves out of her bag. She dug around and found some tape. She wrapped her hands and then pulled her gloves on.
Emily focused on the bag. The first few times her fists made contact with it she felt a swell of energy, a release of emotions. But then things started to build up.
Rotten flesh.
A heavy jab.
Maya's eyes.
SMACK!
Tim Roland.
SMACK!
Alison…covered in blood…
She lost her shit and started throwing punch after punch after punch. She jabbed and hit and threw her entire weight into attacking the bag.
Tears stung her eyes as she threw a punch so powerful that it lurched the bag forward with a heavy swing. When it came back at her she caught it and then shoved it with an angry growl.
Alison cocked her head, observing her body language.
This is more than just blowing off steam.
Alison rarely saw the brunette so worked up. The only other time she'd seen her this upset was the night after Roland's attack.
She had no idea of knowing that the attack was what Emily was thinking about at that very moment. She had no idea because Emily had closed herself off to her feelings.
The doctor had never been good at empathy, but she could actually feel Emily's pain radiating off of her, just like she had back at the house.
Oh, sweetie… The rage. The anger.
Emily's chest was heaving. Her body was trembling.
Alison walked up behind her and put her palm against Emily's shaky arm. She slid it down and gently gripped her wrist.
Touching a wild beast in a fit of anger is a tantalizing risk to take.
But her sweet girl would never hurt her. She knew Emily. She knew her so well it scared her.
"Em? Is something wrong? Did your mother say something to upset you?"
I can't kill Pam, but I can make her life a living hell. Especially if she'd said something to hurt her angel.
Emily ripped her gloves off and threw them to the ground in a fit like Alison had never seen before. Emily was cautious. Controlled. This was a new side of her.
"No."
Half-lie. Or maybe half-truth. Maybe Pam did something that upset her, but Emily doesn't know that it upset her.
"What's wrong? Talk to me." She gently let her wrist go.
For a moment Emily was entirely still, except for her heaving chest. Her sports bra rode up and down against her slick wet skin.
Emily noticed when Alison's gaze flickered down towards her body.
In one swift motion the brunette grabbed the sides of Alison's neck and lunged forward, catching the blonde off-guard with a bruising kiss. Alison could feel the detective's hot breaths coming out through her nose.
Something is wrong. She's upset.
Alison could feel it in her kiss.
We should talk…
But she had already grasped Emily's neck and was throwing herself into the embrace, parting her mouth and slipping her tongue in between Emily's waiting lips.
The blonde's hands drifted down between their bodies as she explored her toned abs, slippery with sweat.
Alison opened her mouth, inviting her lover in. Emily sucked her lower lip into her mouth and gently bit down. Then the detective's tongue was suddenly exploring her mouth, taking a trip she was quite familiar with, but was still a thrill to the both of them.
"Em…" Alison groaned against the kiss, but that's all she managed to get out before their lips crashed together again and they were swallowing each other's moans.
Alison's mind started to wander. They always seemed to end up entwined in one another. It's as if there was a calling between them, a magnetism. They couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Was it healthy to lean so heavily into the sexual part of their relationship so much? Did they talk enough?
Now seemed like one of those times where talking would be appropriate. Emily was clearly going through something.
But all Alison could hear was her aching vagina. It had power of attorney.
I have to have her. I NEED her. Alison's heart was beating with a desire she only felt for Emily.
Emily was the only girl she craved, she needed. With her fuck-buddies it had been all about the satisfaction of the high. With Emily it was about the connection she felt when they were together. She couldn't get enough of it.
Sex now. Talk later. She decided.
Alison moved her backwards, slamming her against the wall. Emily gripped her ass to pull her closer. The blonde's pelvis crashed against Emily's. The brunette shuddered.
Alison slipped her hand into Emily's yoga pants and rubbed her fingers through her folds, slowing them over her clit.
Emily gripped Alison tighter as a cry slipped from her lips.
"I need you." She breathed heavily against Alison's neck.
Alison put her palm against the brunette's cheek, tilting her head up and peering directly into her eyes.
Eye contact had been so hard for them in the beginning, but now it was like oxygen…something they needed to survive.
"You have me." She slid three fingers into Emily, watching as the ecstasy flooded her face.
Emily uttered out a delighted "oh" and pushed her forehead against Alison's, panting and shaking.
Alison started slow, but then moved to test Emily's stamina. She pushed harder and quicker, curling her fingers. She watched as Emily's eyes slowly started to roll backwards in ecstasy.
The excitement that someone could walk in and find them at any minute added a thrill to it.
"Faster." Emily bit down on Alison's ear lobe.
Alison immediately obliged. Her thrusts became deeper, harder.
Emily felt her tension dissipating. She felt a calmness flowing over her.
"I'm here, Em." Alison gripped her cheek again, an effort to see her when she peaked. "I'm right here."
The eye contact coupled with Alison's motions inside of her made the brunette clench down and let go.
When she came it was loud. It was raw. Emily let everything she'd pent up inside come flooding out of her.
Her head jerked back, but Alison grabbed her cheek, forcing her to look into her eyes.
An unspoken exchange.
I want to see you. I NEED to see you…
Emily held her gaze as her body convulsed.
"Ali…" It was all Emily was able to get out between her cries.
Alison pressed a delicate kiss against her jaw and gently pushed her fingers up, pulsing and hitting a nerve inside of Emily again. The blonde watched as another orgasm wracked the detective's body.
When the trembling stopped she was still breathing as heavily as she was when she'd been boxing.
Alison watched her chest.
Up and down. Up and down.
In and out. In and out.
Blood was rushing through Emily's veins at a wild pace.
The doctor pressed her lips against Emily's pulse point. The rapid heartbeat against her mouth was almost enough to make her come in her panties.
This is what I do to you. She felt herself getting wet at the thought of Emily's blood...her life force.
When she peered at Emily again her soulful brown eyes were large and fixed on her. There was a wild animalistic look in them.
Alison gently pulled out of her, watching as her jaw trembled. She slowly blinked. Little aftershocks made her stomach pulse.
Emily took several hard breaths and then cupped Alison's cheek. She looked at her for a moment before her lips captured Alison's again.
The brunette put her palms against the back of Alison's thighs and swooped her off of the ground.
Alison wrapped her legs around her as Emily carried her towards a weight-lifting table. Emily snatched a clean towel from her bag and pushed the bag to the floor. She slipped the towel on to the bench and then sat Alison down.
She kissed her way down her neck as she lifted the hem of her dress up. She slid her panties down and pushed her knees apart.
She gave her a devious look and then lowered her head between the doctor's legs, going to finish what she'd started that morning.
Cream filling and all.
Emily fell softly on her knees and yanked Alison forward so that her ass was at the edge of the table.
Seconds later her hot mouth was against Alison's core, her tongue sliding through her folds.
Oh, Christ...
Alison moved with her motions, desperately seeking her high.
Emily slid a finger into her as she sucked against the sensitive mound between the blonde's legs. Alison almost fell off of the table. She gripped the sides for support.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Was she screaming that out loud? She wasn't sure. She was lost in her bliss.
Emily pumped her finger in and out a few times before pulling completely out. Alison expected her to add a second finger. Instead, Emily slid her wide open with her index and middle finger and slipped her tongue inside of her.
"Oh God." Alison couldn't contain her moans.
With her free hand, Emily started toying with Alison's clit as her tongue continued to dart in and out of her.
Alison threw her head back and gripped the edge of the bench, huffing and puffing.
She suppressed a scream when she came. Hot liquid poured into her girlfriend's mouth. She felt like she was floating in a puddle of warm water, sinking down.
Emily collapsed on the floor next on an exercise mat by the machine, trying to catch her breath. Alison slid down next to her.
The blonde felt so much softer after they'd had sex. She was lighter. Her soul felt lighter.
Do I have a soul?
It was something worth contemplating.
How could anyone with any humanity do the things she did?
"Not that I'm complaining." Alison laughed in a daze. "But what the hell just happened?" She laid her palm against Emily's heaving chest. She could feel her heart fluttering like the gentle flapping wings of a hummingbird.
"I just…I needed something to ground me." Emily turned towards her, touching her rosy cheek with a soft tender palm. "I needed some control."
"Why?" My controlled girl…out of control?
Instead of answering, Emily smiled at her as she gently pecked her lips.
What are you hiding from me, Detective?
Alison was astute. She knew Emily. And she knew something was off.
They laid there for nearly ten minutes. Emily knew no one would be coming in any time soon.
It was only when they were getting up that Alison noticed the cameras. She was usually more aware of her surroundings, but she'd let her guard down around Emily.
Her eyes widened. She gripped Emily's bicep and pointed to the small black dome above them.
Emily simply laughed.
"They're just for show." Emily shrugged. "They don't even work."
Alison thought about it for a moment.
"Hmmm…that's a shame." She smirked at the detective. "I'd love to see a replay of it."
"Maybe we can reenact the replay in slow motion when we get home." Emily's response had them both laughing.
The detective was much calmer on the drive home. She clutched Alison's hand as it rested against the console.
"So," Alison traced her finger against Emily's knuckles, wondering if they were sore from all the boxing, wondering if they were hurting, "I get that you don't want to talk, but can I ask if you're alright?"
Emily looked at her for a brief moment. She smiled.
"I am now."
That's all I need to know.
Alison didn't push. She knew Emily would talk to her in her own time.
They went back to Alison's house. When they got into her bedroom the blonde went to change out of her dress.
Emily walked straight into the bathroom.
Minutes later Alison heard the water running. She peeled her dress off and walked towards the bathroom.
The brunette was already in the shower, her back to her. Alison watched as she crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed her shoulders.
It was clear that she was sore from her work out.
Alison slid the glass door open and stepped in behind her. Emily glanced over her shoulder and smiled at her.
The blonde pressed her bare body against Emily's back and wrapped her arms around her waist. She pushed a kiss against her shoulder. Then she moved her dark locks aside and kissed the back of her neck.
She didn't have to see Emily's face to feel her smiling at her. She just knew. She knew her that intimately.
We're intimate. That's what this is. I feel this woman in my heart.
She recognized that it was different than the raw form of fucking they'd done at the gym.
She unlocked her arms from her bear hug around Emily's midsection and brought her hands up to Emily's shoulders.
"Let's see if we can work out those kinks." She felt the detective relax underneath her touch. She gripped her shoulders and then released, repeating the process several times.
The hot steam from the shower combined with Alison's massage loosened Emily's tense muscles.
Emily slowly turned around to face the blonde. Alison's palm landed against her abs and crept up between her breasts. She stopped when she got to Emily's heart.
Her heart. It's my heart. I wouldn't exist without her. I love her. Do I tell her I love her?
Emily leaned forward and gave Alison a chaste peck on the lips. She had Alison turn around so she could repay the favor.
She rubbed her shoulders and then brushed her hair aside, knotting her fingers into her neck. Her fingertips were gentle, but firm. Her touch sent a shuddering sensation down the blonde's spine.
Emily reached up and pulled down a bottle of shampoo, squirting a generous amount of it into her palm. She lathered Alison's fine blonde hair and massaged her scalp.
"That feels so good, Em." She mewled as she turned around to meet Emily's eyes.
Emily's hands twisted against her head to accommodate the motion.
Alison reached for her body wash and squeezed some into her hands. She started against Emily's sides, washing away the sweat, the pain, anything that was hurting her. Then her fingers were against her abs. Her collar bone. Her chest. The body wash bubbled up against her skin.
Emily looked into Alison's eyes and could see a heat in them. She was lost inside of her fiery gaze. She had always known that blue flames burned the hottest.
By the time they had finally settled in for bed it was almost midnight.
Alison curled against Emily's oversized nightshirt. The shirt smelled like the detective, her musk. But Emily's body smelled like her.
Alison liked having her scent on Emily.
You're mine. You belong to me.
Emily looked at the clock.
11:59
She had made it through without a single drop of alcohol entering her system. Because she didn't need alcohol. She had started and ended the day with Alison. In between was a jumble of things. Highs and lows. Seeing Hanna's boys, only to then have to ask a young teenager to help put her father behind bars. The ups and downs of the day coupled with the dinner with her mother. The release at the gym. All of it. Alison had been on her mind all day.
"I need to tell you something." Emily worried at her bottom lip as she wrapped the small doctor in her arms, kissing her forehead.
I can't handle any surprises right now. Alison's mind was a whirling mess of chaos.
She hadn't forgotten that Tim Roland still hadn't been found.
"What?"
There was a deeply dramatic sigh.
"Today was Maya's birthday."
"Oh." Alison thought back to the tension between Emily and her mother at dinner. "Is that why…"
"It's not why I needed you in the gym." Emily countered her before Alison could ask, not realizing that the thought had never crossed the blonde's mind.
"I was going to ask if that's why things were so tense with you and your mother at dinner?"
"You noticed that, huh?" Emily closed her eyes, like maybe it would take her to a different universe. A universe where Maya wasn't dead. She was alive and happy and out there in the world somewhere.
Emily pictured herself with Alison, happy and carefree without her ex-girlfriend's death looming over her…haunting her.
"I wasn't trying to be short with my mother. I know she's doing her best. I know she's readjusting. I didn't mean to come off as a bitch. I just had a lot on my mind. With Maya's birthday…" She drifted off, "…and with two psychopaths running around out there…"
You're in bed with one of those psychopaths, my dear.
"I really should be putting more focus on the Scarlet Letter Killer, but the case has stalled. The kills have stopped." Emily rubbed her eyebrow.
That's what you think…
"I can't stop thinking about Tim Roland. He's still out there…" Emily dropped her hand away from her face.
He is, and that is indeed a problem, but it's not your problem anymore. It's mine.
She tightened her brow.
Where. The. Fuck. Is. He?
"…and I'm obsessed with his case…"
Because of me. Because of what he did to me. It's personal for you now. I understand. I understand more than you'll ever know. I'm in love. I know what it means to love.
"It's got me thinking all kinds of things. Like…do you ever think about kids?" Emily questioned curiously.
The question seemed to come out of nowhere and it startled Alison.
"As what? Patients?" Surely she can't be on some mid-life crisis baby train. Not my Emily…
"Just in general. Their innocence." Emily sighed. "And how the world breaks that innocence eventually."
Preaching to the choir, babe.
"I saw my friend's sons today and they were so happy and so well-adjusted. I just want to protect that innocence. Their smiles…" Her face lit up when she thought about Aidan and Liam. "I like seeing happy children. Which made my conversation with Chloe Roland today painful. I ache for her lost childhood. Do you know what she said to me?" Emily stroked her hand through Alison's hair. "She said she hopes the Scarlet Letter Killer kills her dad."
Alison had to hide her delight at the statement. She had to bite her tongue to keep from saying, "Already taken care of."
There was something bone-chillingly familiar about a child wanting her parents dead.
She saw a flash of a bloody house from over two decades ago. But now was not the time to revisit her youth. She had to play a part for her girlfriend. She forced a sad sympathetic smile on her face and nodded in understanding.
"I know the man is a monster, but his own daughter wishing him dead? For his own child to say that…wow…" Emily looked at Alison as if she had just remembered Alison's traumatic childhood. "Oh, Ali, I'm sorry, I didn't think…"
"No, it's okay. I understand where she's coming from. I hated my parents, too. But wishing them dead compared to actually seeing it…"
She shuddered, though she wasn't sure why. She saw a flash. Her father with the knife. Then her mother. Her father stabbing her mother. Her mother retaliating and stabbing her father when he tried to grab a trembling child.
She was starting to believe her own lies.
That day was such a blur. A black hole.
Children repress. She heard a voice in her head. It belonged to the lady detective that had come to the scene with Furey that day.
She felt a flurry of panic, but instead of focusing on the past she found herself concentrating on Emily's arms around her body. Instead of letting the chaos consume her she let Emily's presence ground her in the same way she had grounded Emily earlier.
I'm safe with her. She realized.
The blonde was quiet for the longest time. She glanced at Emily and felt the depth of her love.
We're intimate.
Terrifyingly intimate.
It was a flame burning inside of her. Emily looked at her...she saw her and she loved her.
I don't know how to do intimate. What do I say? What do I do?
She shivered.
I'm scared.
Emily's arms automatically tightened around her.
I'm afraid to let you love me. Because if I do...and I lose you...I might lose the only shred of humanity I have left.
The thought of letting down her walls scared the hell out of her, yet she felt a strange compulsion to open up. Was that what intimacy was? Safety in the midst of chaos?
Safe. She repeated. I'm safe.
She took a shaky breath.
"My parents were horrible people." Her voice cracked, and she felt an onslaught of tears, but she bit them back. "They…they tried to make Jason do things he didn't want to do." She looked away, "To me."
Emily sucked in an audible gasp. She wanted to ask more about it, but she knew it was a tricky balance getting her to open up. She always let Alison make that choice.
"He didn't." Tears glistened in her glassy blue eyes. "He never did. But they punished him when he refused."
Emily had so many questions, but the biggest among them…
Why? Why would someone do that to their children? She wanted to ask a question she already knew the answer to,
Did your brother kill them? Was he protecting you?
But forensics had proved otherwise.
That volatile household was bound to explode. Alison had been an innocent civilian in the middle of a war she hadn't asked to be in. She'd been there when the bomb went off.
So had her brother.
"They hit him." Emily hadn't meant to voice it out loud. She'd suspected it. Furey had suspected it, too. It was in his report.
Emily peered at Alison, worried she'd spoken out of turn. The blonde was like a meek little mouse when it came to her past. Emily didn't want to startle her little mouse back into hiding.
But Alison didn't pull back. She looked directly into the eyes of the caring detective and answered,
"Yeah." She sighed. "He antagonized them on purpose so he could anticipate when the hits were coming, and to pull focus from me."
"That's terrible." Emily's muscles tensed. Her knuckles turned white as she clutched them.
"They fought all the time." As she was talking, Alison realized she wasn't telling Emily any of this to manipulate her.
She wasn't trying to plant any seeds.
She just wanted to tell someone, and Emily was her someone. She wanted Emily to know her...to love her despite her past.
A past that was still fuzzy to her. She could remember the happier times with her aunt, but before that there were large chunks missing. Chunks she didn't care to recover.
Her childhood was a blur, a series of memories that came to her in flashes. She pushed it away every chance she had.
"They weren't very nice people…" Her voice was soft.
They deserved to die.
The words she spoke contradicted what she was thinking,
"But they didn't deserve to die. I didn't want that. I never wanted that."
It wasn't that she wanted it, so much that she needed it. But she wasn't ready to share that with Emily. That might be something she'd take to her grave.
She blinked, peering at Emily. But she was staring through her. There was a void in her expression. She had to shut down. She couldn't let the past in.
"There was so much blood." She choked. "It was everywhere. I was…I was soaked in it. I could feel it...smell it..."
She had always been fascinated by blood, but there had been something cold about feeling her family's life force against her skin.
"Sometimes…" Alison tiptoed around her words, "Sometimes I close my eyes and I can still see them."
Emily nodded in understanding and pulled Alison's body closer to hers. She still saw Maya and Lyndon when she closed her eyes.
"But I'm used to them being there now. They're just…a darkness I carry with me."
"Maybe I can help lighten the load." Emily stroked her cheek.
The blonde relaxed in her arms.
After a few minutes Emily sighed. There was a hesitation.
Alison looked directly into her eyes.
Ask. I know you want to ask.
"Ali, did they hurt you, too?" Emily thought about the notation in her file that said she'd been in the ER with a broken arm when she was four.
Alison saw a flash of her father's large calloused hand hurtling towards her ass. But she didn't remember him hitting her. She didn't remember feeling any pain. She just remembered being laid over her father's lap. And then she was on the floor soaked in her own urine.
"I…can't remember." She wasn't sure she wanted to remember. "I'm kind of wiped." She feigned a yawn. "I have an early shift. We should really get to sleep."
Emily didn't push. She showed Alison the same courtesy that had been showed to her earlier. Their relationship wasn't based on forced conversation. It was based on mutual respect.
Alison yawned again and closed her eyes. She slowed her breathing to a calm rhythmic pattern. She had perfected pretending to be asleep in her childhood. When she felt Emily's slow warm breaths blowing against her she knew the brunette was asleep.
Alison tried to go to sleep, but she couldn't. She shifted her focus from her past to her present.
She wanted to leave and see if Tim's body was still in the woods. Had something come along and eaten him? Some kind of predator? Even so, there would be remnants of a crime scene.
Theories tumbled through her head all night long.
Her alarm went off at 5, stirring the brunette from her slumber.
Alison was used to sleepless nights so she hid her exhaustion well.
"How'd you sleep?" Emily reached across her and swatted at the alarm.
"Like I always sleep in your arms." The lie was flawless.
Emily kissed her forehead and then rolled over and reached for her phone.
When she saw the screen she nearly tumbled out of bed. She steadied herself on the nightstand and shot up, her back against the headboard as she frantically typed away.
She'd missed a very busy morning while her phone was on silent mode.
She had seven missed calls, two voicemails, and thirty new text messages. Mostly from Toby and Furey.
"What?" Alison sat up next to her. This is it. They found him. They finally found him. "What is it?"
"They have another body." Emily scrolled through her texts.
I should be scared. Afraid. Sad. Those are the right responses, right?
"God, that's terrible." Alison tried to sneak a peek at Emily's screen, but the detective's fingers were moving so fast that she couldn't see anything. "I was really hoping that freak…" Me, "…had died or run away."
Alison curled in on herself.
I need to be insecure. I need to need her…
It worked. The second Emily saw her curling up she wrapped her loving embrace around her.
"I know this is getting out of control. But I'll keep you safe, Alison." Emily rubbed her back, comforting her.
She reached for the TV remote.
Of course it would be all over the news by now.
Alex Drake had been sniffing around like a fucking hyena.
She turned on the news and found the coverage immediately.
Alex was standing front and center in front of the camera in the middle of a wooded area.
The area looked familiar to Alison, but it wasn't where she'd left Tim.
"If you're just tuning in, we have breaking news. The Scarlet Letter Killer has struck again. We are still gathering details, but we can confirm that the body was found in the Poconos…"
Alison's eyes narrowed at the coverage. She hadn't left Tim way out in the mountains.
This is all wrong.
Alex Drake had a somber look on her face, but her eyes were all aglow with a strange kind of excitement.
Fucking psychopath.
The irony almost made her laugh. A psychopath calling someone else a psychopath.
"Two campers made the gruesome discovery shortly past one this morning. According to a firsthand account, one of the campers had gotten up to use the restroom and saw something through the trees." The camera zoomed out. "The nude body was discovered on the front porch of a cabin sitting in a rocking chair…"
That was not how she'd left Tim. That was not where she'd left him.
The camera panned over to a cozy cabin that had been cordoned off with police tape. They could only see the flashing of cameras in the distance. Crime scene investigators.
Alison suddenly realized why the place looked so familiar.
Her face blanched.
It was her cabin.
The body was at her family's cabin.
A/N: Plot twist. And more to come. As these two grow closer, so does my fear of writing the balance between their intimacy and their urges. They're both struggling. Emily with her mother and Maya. And Alison with...well... *gestures to everything wildly*. Hopefully the little Haleb babies and plucky young Chloe lightened this darkness a bit.
Keep the reviews coming. They help me keep my foot on the gas pedal.