Sparks
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Chapter Five-The Falcon
Anger had been Ben's constant companion for so long that it had become his default mechanism in order to cope. He had just undergone a difficult debriefing with Poe Dameron and Finn. He had been forced to revisit some particularly painful memories as they fired one question after another at him. They showed little sympathy when he struggled, their sole focus was extracting the necessary information from him. Rey had been called away to assist her friend Rose Tico, which meant he was left alone for a period of time without her to act as his buffer against the few members of the Resistance who knew his true identity. Poe and Finn had taken advantage of her absence to interrogate him. The Final Order may have been defeated, but there were still splinter groups of the First Order which needed to be cowed.
Ben left the meeting with a scream forcing its way up from deep within, as if his terrified soul had unleashed a demon. All he felt was anger, a desperate need to blow off steam and escape. That would be the safer, easier option, to choose not to stay. Ben knew he was hiding a truth from himself, of how much his reaction was really to do with sadness and the scars that just refused to heal.
He wandered around the outskirts of the base, listening to the general buzz of conversation that floated around him. A big part of him wanted to go straight to Rey and pull her away from whatever she was doing and beg her to leave with him. He didn't, though. He fought the feeling, knowing he had to start to deal with his unresolved feelings about his past on his own. It wasn't fair to burden her with even more worry. He supposed even her compassionate nature had a limit.
Ben avoided the crowds and meandered toward the starfighter landing zone. There he found Skywalker's old X-Wing. Seeing it again so soon after his fraught escape from Exegol with Rey brought a lump to his throat. His mind reeled with old memories of his uncle letting him sit in the cockpit in the old ship when he was a very young boy. Oh, how he had wanted to be a pilot like his father when he was just an innocent kid. He remembered Luke's patience when confronted with his excitable questions. He had looked up to Skywalker back then, but he didn't adore him like he did Han. Han was his hero and his one wish was to be the best pilot in the galaxy just like him.
Thinking of his father brought tears to Ben's eyes as he remembered the vision he'd had of Han on the ruins of the death star after Rey had healed and then left him. It had been the final push he needed to fully embrace the light again after being torn apart under the yoke of the dark. He could still feel Han's rough palm, cupping his face consolingly, while he wrestled with his pain and guilt about everything that had happened.
"Dad, I wish you were here." Ben choked out as he cast his gaze away from Luke's battered X-Wing to the Millennium Falcon which was parked on the furthest edge of the landing zone.
Ben found himself drifting toward the Falcon. Known as the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy, a bucket of bolts, and the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, the Millennium Falcon had a reputation. Han and Chewbacca had made many "special modifications" to the Corellian YT-1300 light freighter over the years to maximize its speed and agility. The last time Ben had seen inside the cockpit was on Starkiller base. The memories had been painful then, now the pain was mixed with nostalgia.
Walking up the opened ramp, Ben could almost feel the ghost of his father beside him. He could see his younger self-a mere toddler-skipping excitedly by Han's side, holding onto his hand as he was given his first tour of the interior. In his childish innocence he thought the Falcon the most impressive ship he had ever seen. Han shared many watered-down versions of his adventures on the ship with his first mate Chewie . Ben had been delighted when he learned that Han had won the Falcon from Lando Calrissian in the card game 'sabacc.' He had begged his father to teach him the game. Han happily obliged, only to be scolded later by Leia when she found out that he had been teaching their son to gamble.
It all seemed like a lifetime ago, as if it had happened to someone else. Over time he had come to hate the ship and everything it represented in his life. it was the ship that had taken Rey away from him. It always appeared at the most importune moments, frustrating him, and reminding him of the past, a past he was so desperately trying to erase. But seeing it now, with fresh eyes, it hit different. This had once been his home, a safe place to rest, his father's pride and joy.
"Dad." Ben whispered again, looking around, lost in memories.
When Ben reached the cockpit, he settled in the pilot's seat and stretched his long legs out in front of him, resting his boots on the console. He could imagine Han's voice reprimanding him, with Chewie's low growls accompanying it, urging Han to cut his son some slack. Thinking of his surrogate uncle made Ben's smile fade. He had yet to face Chewbacca. He had tried, but the tall Wookie turned away in the opposite direction whenever he saw him, one furry hand waving him away. He wasn't ready and Ben had to respect that.
In an attempt to chase away his sadness, Ben thought of Rey. He thought about when they'd first encountered one another, how enamoured he'd been with her even then. He thought of her strength, the way she had so quickly turned the interrogation around on him on Starkiller base-not that he'd been particularly forceful with her anyway. He had removed his helmet when she'd called him a creature in a mask. He hated hearing those words fall from her lips, he didn't want her to see him that way. It had been a sign of trust on his part, a show of vulnerability. During their first Force bond she had called him a monster, again he had been rattled by it, so deeply hurt, and tried to convince her otherwise by exposing his vulnerability for a second time. He remembered his desperate 'please' when he'd proposed to her on the Supremacy after killing Snoke.
Since his childhood, his own parents were afraid of his capabilities. HIs extraordinary force potential had frightened his mother because of his inability to control it as a child. There hadn't been anyone else with as much power as him in his life other than Luke, and look what had happened there. Ben sighed, shifting in his seat slightly as agitation crept in again.
When he'd joined the First Order after his uncle's betrayal, yet again, there was still no one like him to relate to. No one for him to have a real, human connection with. Sure, Snoke was there to "mentor" him in the dark side (if that's what you could call it) but their dynamic was very abusive, Ben could see that now.
Then Rey came along- this brave, beautiful scavenger from Jakku, who even Snoke admitted was his equal. And for the first time in years, he had someone who really knew what it was like to be in his position. Someone who had also been alone for a good portion of her life. And after the initial hostility from their first Force bonds had faded, they eventually found common ground and were able to hold a conversation with one another to the point of them even sharing their deepest fears and longings. It had been such a release for Ben, finally relieved to have someone who saw him for who he truly was. And he had fallen deeply, irrevocably in love with her. Which had made her rejection of his proposal to rule side by side so hard to bear.
So much time had been wasted. If only….
When he heard movement behind him, Ben jerked his head around to look at who dared disturb his fragile peace. He knew it wasn't Rey, he would have sensed her. Expecting to find Chewbacca, instead his eyes landed on none other than his father's old friend, Lando Calrissian.
A/N-thanks for reading!