Trust
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A/N-this story is set during 'The Last Jedi' during the hand holding scene.
"Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out."
Prologue
Rey was drowning in loneliness. She was choking on it. Air was like poison as she dragged it into her protesting lungs. She had spent so many nights in the deserts of Jakku, an orphan in the half-buried wreckage of a forgotten war. Marking each night with a new scratch in the metal wall of the downed AT-AT that she had claimed as her own. She had ended up surrounded by thousands of gouges, marking the passage of time that only served as a permanent reminder of her solitude, forever taunting her about her deepest fear – that she would wind up like everything else abandoned on Jakku – a shell, empty and purposeless.
All those nights she had spent alone, secretly holding onto hope that her vigil had some kind of purpose, refusing to believe what always nagged at her below the surface, that her parents had truly abandoned her, not because they had to but because they wanted to.
Despair washed over her, propelling the tears from her eyes, they slid down her slick skin, finding their way into her mouth, tasting salty on her tongue. Rey lifted her head, remembering the way she had stretched out her hand in front of the mirrored stone, gazing into its depths. She recalled the pitiful sound of her voice as she begged to see her parents, the way the stone surface rippled like water, its darkness melting away to show two dark figures beneath. She remembered the blossoming hope in her heart as the two figures approached, finally believing that she was going to get a glimpse of them. Only for that hope to be crushed seconds later as the figures morphed into one, and she was confronted with endless reflections of herself instead.
The whole episode had been a cruel blow to her ego, a stark reminder that the only person Rey could rely on was herself. That she would always be alone. No one was coming back for her. She had been a fool to think otherwise.
Rey closed her eyes to stem the tide of her tears, but they continued to leak through anyway. She thought about what Maz Kanata had said to her in the underground passages of the ancient castle on Takodana- "Dear child. I see your eyes. You already know the truth. Whomever you're waiting for on Jakku... they're never coming back... "
The old pirate had told her the bald truth but she had refused to heed her words, instead clinging onto false hope.
"No more!" Rey said when her tears finally ebbed. She felt so tired. So worn down with hopelessness. She knew there was only one person who would be able to empathise with her situation, with the way that loss and solitude could eat away at you. And that wasn't the legendary Luke Skywalker. The irony wasn't lost on Rey that the guy she had called a monster only a short time ago was the only one who would understand her loneliness and despair – Kylo Ren.
Before she had even entered her hut Rey could feel that he was close to her in the Force. As if her loneliness had summoned him from light years across the galaxy, he was right there, waiting patiently for her to speak about what was troubling her. Patience wasn't a character trait that would normally be associated with someone like him, but he had shown this new side to his personality during their last few Force bond sessions.
The connection between them was growing stronger every day. Before, where it was unwanted, Rey now found herself grateful instead. Right now, the connection between them was so raw and powerful that it reminded her of touching a live wire in the wreckage of a starship. She stared at him sitting across from her on the stone bench, drinking in his facial features, his hands, his hair.
No one feature made Kylo so handsome, Rey decided, though his eyes came close. From them came an intensity, an honesty, a gentleness that set her at ease. She knew he wouldn't mock her feelings. Not when he shared them. He had the kind of face that stopped you in your tracks. She guessed he must get used to that, the sudden pause in a person's natural expression when they looked his way followed by overcompensating as they tried to avoid his knowing gaze. In that moment he looked so much like a replica of both his parents that there was no way he could be mistaken for anybody other than the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa. It was just one of many reasons he used the mask to disguise his features, even utilising the voice synthesiser to deepen his tone. It was a failed attempt to obliterate his connection to his parents – the thought made Rey feel sadder then ever.
"Tell me what happened." Kylo coaxed her gently when she failed to speak.
Haltingly Rey told him about being drawn into the cave and into the stone, and how the journey had led to nothing, no revelation accept how alone she still was.
Kylo listened patiently, leaning forward slightly, he absorbed everything she confided to him. "You're not alone." He insisted. In his brown eyes was the warmth of an everlasting hearth, they shone with compassion, with understanding.
Rey felt relief surge through her. "Neither are you." She answered breathlessly. How wonderful to be understood! Her head was spinning with the euphoria of it all. "I held on to hope for so long. I was foolish. I see that now."
"Its not foolish to hold onto hope." Kylo's deep voice was like auditory caramel to her ears. Rey felt like she could listen to him all day. She stared at him intently, hanging onto every word he spoke. "Even I've been guilty of holding onto hope in the past." He admitted.
"You had hope?"
Kylo's lips quirked slightly at the disbelief in her tone. "I did, until the night I woke up to find Skywalker standing over me with a lighted blade, ready to strike me down in my sleep."
A tremor ran through Rey at the bitterness in his tone. His eyes had turned dark, bleak with the betrayal he had suffered at the hands of his uncle. She felt her own disappointment in Skywalker bleed through to join his. "I'm sorry he failed you."
"Failed me?" Kylo said faintly.
"Yes." Rey responded stoutly. "He failed you, thinking your choice was already made. I sense the conflict inside of you. It isn't too late – "
Maintaining eye-contact, Rey tentatively raised her hand toward his. She sensed the tumult of his emotions, churning with uncertainty, just like hers. His eyes were so different in times like these, softer than she knew eyes could be. She saw them dip slightly as he looked at his gloved hand, before flicking to her naked one. She rested her hand in mid-air, waiting for him to close the gap and reach out to her like she was reaching out to him. It had to be his decision.
With baited breath she watched his eyes fixate on his gloved hand again, he flexed his fingers…. then slowly…. so achingly slowly, she saw him tug the glove off with his other hand until his fingers were as bare as her own.
Rey fully expected to see their hands go through each other when he reached out to her, wondering if she would feel it through the Force somehow. But their fingers actually touched, skin brushing against skin. She gasped at the contact, and saw by the slight widening of his eyes that the same shock had gone through him. It was staggering, the intensity of it, the indescribable joy and excitement that flooded through the bond, enveloping them both in its warm cocoon.
Every hand that Kylo had ever held had caused him more pain than words could ever tell, more pain than his memories would allow him to relive. That he was willing to take hers was a testament of trust that was born of deep compassion and a sense that this was but a part of a bigger story…images unfolded in his mind, passing so rapidly that he could barely hold on to them, or make sense of them. Only one thing was certain, she was standing beside him, they were together….
"Rey, do you trust me?" Kylo said in that same, deep, velvet baritone.
Rey reached out, feeling the Force alive and hungry around her, seeing the same images unfurling in her mind's eye, certain now that all roads had been leading to this pivotal moment, if only she had the courage to follow her heart.
"I trust you." She whispered in return.
"Then tell me where you are, I'll come to you." Kylo urged her.
Rey ignored the voice in the back of her mind that sounded suspiciously like Luke Skywalker telling her not to place her trust in him, that this wasn't going to go the way she thought it would. "Ahch-to." She breathed as if the word was irresistibly drawn out of her. She let down her mental barriers and showed him the way in her mind.
A/N-thanks for reading! Please review.