Chapter 2: Invisible String
He knows it's you because I know it's you. And so do you Liv. You remember what I said during the intervention. You read the letter."
Olivia couldn't move. She wasn't sure if she even blinked and Elliot's stare never wavered. The tears were on the brim of her lids and as he reached to wipe it away and speak a horn blew behind them.
That's right. They were in the middle of traffic. He gave an apologetic wave behind him and continued driving.
"When we get in let me talk to Noah," she said quickly regaining some of her composure. "He's going to have questions when he sees you so try no to look so..intense."
Elliot cracked a smile. "So, you mean I'm not laid back?"
"You're a lot of things Elliot but laid back isnt one of them."
"Ok. Whatever you need."
The closer they got to her apartment the more anxious he became. As she walked, he kept an eye out for their surroundings making sure no one was watching or could sneak up on them. In the elevator, she created distance leaning against the opposite wall like she was tired. Her bag and purse almost hit the floor.
"I got it," he offered.
She kept her purse and he held her laptop bag. "Thanks."
When they made it to her door she paused. "It's going to take me awhile to handle everything with him, cook, get settled."
He knew what she was getting at. Even after all this time, there were still more parts than not that he could read easily. Their conversation was on hold…for now.
"I'm not going anywhere Liv and I haven't been sleeping that well lately anyway so no worries there."
She gave him a sad smile. "We need to talk about that."
He chuckled. Of course, she would bust his balls about taking care of himself in the midst of everything else that was going on. "Ok."
Noah was at the table doing what he assumed was homework when they walked in. He stayed several paces behind her, careful not to crowd them while they engaged in their normal routine. Well, as normal as it could be under the circumstances.
He left them alone while they talked and Noah eyed him suspiciously. He hung by the door taking in the decor of the place. He didn't know when he would get the chance to see where she lived but he wished it wasn't under these circumstances. The new apartment was bigger which was to be expected and homier than her last place. As Captain she was clearly doing well for herself. There were traces of Noah everywhere from his books on the shelf, a few of his action figures and some shoes on the floor. There was a shelf near the TV in the living room that he paced in front of looking at the pictures. He was even hoping to get a glimpse of Noah's dad in one of the photos. So far, he didn't see any sign that a man lived there and based on Fin's comment he was at least able to assess that they were broken up. How could anyone not want to be with her? Especially after she had their child. If he had that opportunity, he would have never leave her.
Except he had. No, it wasn't the same circumstances. In some ways it was worse. He knew he was the most important person in her world, and he still managed to leave and not talk to her for ten years. The thought pulled at his chest. How could he be here? After everything he did, he here was again causing issues and possibly putting her and her son in danger. He would die before he let anything happen to her or Noah. He didn't know Noah, but he was Olivia's son and that's all that mattered. He meant the world to her so by extension he meant the world to him even though they had never uttered a word to each other.
"El, I'm going to make some dinner. You want anything?"
He hadn't even heard her walk up and shook his head to clear his thoughts. Noah wasn't in the room anymore and he assumed it was because he was in his room. "Yeah."
She nodded and headed to the kitchen. "You can make yourself comfortable. Noah and Lucy are going to finish his homework in his room."
Twisting his hands in his pocket, he thought about sitting on the couch but that seemed too far away. The closer to her he could be the better if nothing else but to see that she was still alive. That she was okay. He needed that like air and not to think about what Wheatley had the capability of doing. Right now he needed to focus on the fact that she at least trusted him enough to protect her. That was a step.
"Elliot?"
Shit, he had zoned out again.
"Did you hear me?" she asked with a concerned look. "Do you prefer broccoli or spinach with your chicken?"
He waved his hand nonchalantly. "Whatever you fix is fine with me."
Studying him, Olivia noticed the tension in his face and hands. "It's going to be alright," she said, and it looked like she actually believed it. "I know you're worried because of Wheatley but I have a feeling that everything will be fine."
He nodded. Unfortunately, he couldn't be that confident. He'd been blindsided before and it nearly cost him everything. He wouldn't make that same mistake with her. "Yeah," he said simply. "Do you need any help in here?"
Olivia's eyebrow lifted in amusement. "You? Help me cook?"
"Oh, like you've always been Chef Boyardee. You were the takeout queen at one point."
"Thank goodness I'm not Chef Boyardee. The stuff in those cans will kill you."
He laughed. "Fair enough."
"But I'll have you know I cook pretty well now."
He nodded but pursed his lips.
"I do," she insisted. "Go sit down and you can taste for yourself. The chicken is almost done."
"Where can I wash up?"
"You can use Noah's bathroom right there across the hall", she pointed to the room right next to what he assumed was Noah's room. He washed up, wiped his hands on the hand towel and smiled at the Xmen toothbrush. For a kid his age, the bathroom was in really good condition. Sometimes he was scared to go in the bathroom that the twins used when they were younger. He was on his way out when he walked right into Noah in the doorway. In the distance he heard Olivia on the phone with someone that was from work which explained why she didn't hear him leave his room.
"Hey there. Sorry I just needed to use your bathroom for a second."
Noah's face was neutral. "Did you wash your hands for at least 20 seconds? Mom says that's the best way to make sure it's thorough."
He smiled and held up his hands for Noah to inspect if he wanted. "I actually do 25 seconds."
"Oh man. You're worse than she is." He maneuvered around Elliot and went to the sink to wash his hands too. Elliot wanted to turn around and leave but he couldn't help but watch the little person that was Olivia's kid. He didn't have any of her physical features, but he certainly had her no nonsense attitude. He must've looked like his dad but either way he was a handsome kid.
"So, my mom says you're a friend of hers," Noah said wiping his hands on the towel he had just used.
"Yeah", he glanced down the hall to see if Olivia was still on the phone. He didn't know if he was overstepping by talking to him. "We used to work together for a long time. Me, your mom and Fin."
"You know Uncle Fin?" Noah asked.
"Yep. Known him almost as long as your mom."
"He's cool."
Elliot smiled. "Yeah he is."
"I saw your picture before. In a box in my mom's room."
That surprised him. "Oh yeah?"
Noah looked down a little sullen suddenly. "It was in a box in her closet. I was looking for some candy I thought she hid from me. When she saw me with the pictures she got mad at me."
Elliot exhaled. This was going to be harder than he thought but he wanted to choose his words carefully. Over the years there had been plenty of supporting characters in the tragic play of their relationship, but he didn't want Noah to be one of them. He wanted the chance to start over.
"Well, I hope she didn't stay upset for long." It was the only neutral comment he could think of.
"I don't think so but then I got in trouble for sneaking into her closet so I stopped paying attention. She seemed okay the next morning though."
Of course she did. If there was anyone that was the master of compartmentalization it was Olivia.
"I take it you never found the candy."
Noah beamed. "I did but don't tell her," he whispered. "She keeps this chair in her bedroom that has some hiding space underneath it."
"Yeah I know that you found the candy in my ottoman," Olivia interrupted and both Noah and Elliot jerked their heads in her direction. "And I bet you won't find it again."
"Aww man," he groaned.
"Come on let's go have dinner," Olivia said walking away.
"Hey," Elliot whispered to him. "Don't worry, I'll help you find it next time."
"I heard that," she yelled from the kitchen.
Noah giggled. "Deal."
They shook hands and Elliot smiled, scrubbing his hand down his face. He'd survived the first meeting with Noah. It was easier than he thought it would be and maybe it was better that she wasn't there for the initial introduction. It certainly took the pressure off.
At dinner, she asked about Noah's day, and he mostly stayed quiet except for when Noah would direct something his way. Olivia looked intrigued by her son's sudden interest in him but then resigned herself to her fate. He liked Elliot. Noah doesn't like many people upon first meeting them but he liked Elliot. Just her luck. She shook her head and took another bite of her food.
Elliot had to admit she was also right. Her cooking had gotten better which wasn't too hard considering it was nonexistent before. The chicken was good and Noah was a hearty eater who was also into dance. Despite his need to blank out and over assess everything that was happening he found himself enamored and interested in everything the little boy said. He was talkative, funny and he and Olivia seemed to have a great and easy relationship. He wished he could've spent time like this with his kids when they were at this age. Eli was the only child of his that got him full time as a parent. Truthfully he didn't know now if it was even effective. Now he had a part time dad and a non-existent mother. The feeling made his chest ache. He was doing better at Maureen's house, but he felt guilty that he didn't spend more time with him. After the incident with someone trying to grab him on the street, which he also thought was Wheatley, he wasn't taking any more chances with any member of his family, including Liv and Noah.
"Ok it's time to wash up and wind down for the night. Put your plate away."
Noah leaned into Elliot. "She's also a stickler for baths too." And then went to put his plate up and do exactly as she said.
Olivia watched him expectantly.
Elliot shrugged.
"What was that about?"
"None of your business," he said smiling into the glass of red wine she poured them with dinner. "We were just bonding over your apparent freakish sanitation routine."
She rolled her eyes. "Naturally you two would think it's freakish. Boys are so gross."
"Gross? Are you 12?" he teased.
"I'm just saying I had no idea that boys were so naturally dirty. Getting him to brush his teeth, flush, bathe and wash his hands is like an act of congress."
"Well, if it makes you feel better he did tell me that I need to make sure that I wash my hands for 20 seconds so whatever you are saying is sticking," he assured her.
"Ahh, so that's what I walked in on?"
He knew she was dying to ask how they ended up talking. "Yeah, he came in while I was washing up and you were on the phone."
Collecting their plates, she explained the call. "That was Garland. With the crime spike it's taking a little longer to get someone over here, at least someone that isn't a first-year rookie," she paused and then looked up at him. "It may not be until the morning."
Elliot checked his phone. It was only a little after 8 pm.
"Look, if you have to go."
"No," he said with a wave of his hand. "I just need to call Eli and tell him goodnight, but I didn't plan on leaving tonight anyway."
Her eyebrow arched. "Oh really?"
"I told you that we need to run checks on whoever they assign here anyway, and I don't know how long that will take. I'm telling you this guy Wheatley has people everywhere."
She nodded. "Okay. I'll try and find something for you to wear."
He winced. He would rather sleep in his clothes for 3 days and stink to high heaven before putting on something that belonged to Noah's dad or another of her exes.
"I'm good."
She laughed realizing exactly why he was hesitant. "They're your clothes Elliot. You left them at the precinct and since I didn't have a way to get in touch with you.."
"You kept them?"
Olivia looked a little embarrassed. "They're in the box in the closet."
"The same box with my pictures."
There was a look of confusion for a second before realization dawned. "Is there any other information that you managed to pry out of my child?"
"He offered it I swear. Said he was looking for candy."
She nodded confirming the story was true. "I'm so glad he's finally growing out of that phase for the most part."
"Did he get that from his dad?"
Subtle Elliot. Really subtle. It felt like the two-ton elephant in the room. He shouldn't care. It's not like it mattered in how he felt about Noah but he couldn't help but feel jealous and curious about the man she cared enough about to allow him to impregnate her.
Olivia's face was impassive. "I'm not sure."
His eyebrows furrowed and he walked into the kitchen to join her.
"I don't know if he liked candy."
"How do you not know that?" he asked feeling himself getting agitated.
She shrugged. "I didn't know much about him."
Elliot gaped. But Fin said there was someone serious.
Olivia thought for a second that she would leave him hanging but decided to put him out of his misery. "He's adopted Elliot. And yes, he knows. We've had this conversation. His mom and dad were both a part of a case I worked and they both passed away when he was a baby. He doesn't remember either of them."
"Oh wow," was all he could say. His heart instantly broke for the little boy in the other room. A tragic beginning but he couldn't have ended up with a better mother. Despite how it all happened, he was happy that everything worked out the way it did. On the other hand, there was a lightness in his chest. So, she hadn't gotten pregnant for someone. Hadn't fallen in love, decided to make a baby and fawned over carrying his child. She never seemed too keen on how she became a mother as long as she had a child. She was giving a child that needed a home, a loving home from all that he could see. He was relieved and happy for them both.
"Oh? Is that all you have to say?"
He smirked. "For now."
"Don't seem so relieved El," she said rolling her eyes.
He beamed. There it was again. Sometimes she would go back and forth between her nickname for him and calling him Elliot. It felt like some of the wall was coming down. He didn't want to bring it to her attention because stubborn Olivia was still there, and she would just as surely stop than give him the satisfaction. At least he could use that as a tell. She seemed to call him El when they were back into their normal banter and there wasn't any loaded conversations. He was Elliot the rest of the time.
"Can you blame me?" he shrugged and her smile faltered a bit realizing they were wading into dangerous territory. They hadn't picked up where they left off in the car. His confession. The letter. Just thinking about all of it made her exhausted.
"I'm just glad I found him."
"He's an amazing kid Liv."
She smiled. "He is. Most of the time."
"Ahh," he chuckled. "The perils of parenthood. Welcome."
Smoothing her hand through her hair she settled her hip into the counter. "I swear one day I'm going to walk into him wearing an all cops are bastards t-shirt."
Elliot's lip curled. "Which he probably would've borrowed from Eli."
"Him too?"
He nodded.
"But he hasn't been old enough to remember most of it."
"Eh, his siblings have filled him in. Plus, there's been more than enough lately to get him there since—." He choked on the words for a second. Sometimes it was still so hard and unbelievable to say. "Since his mom died."
Olivia was up in a second, pulling him in for a hug. This time the tears didn't fall. Instead, he took a deep breath to steady himself and his heart. He was almost 60 years old, and his mother was still alive but his teenage son had his ripped away at a moment's notice. He couldn't begin to understand what kind of effect that would have on him. And more could happen, that's why he was there in her apartment. As his mind raced, he squeezed her tighter. God, he'd known pain watching his wife slip away from him. His kids faces as their mom was lowered in the ground. He'd been through hell and back and somehow managed to still be standing. But one thing he couldn't or wouldn't survive was a world that didn't have Olivia Benson. Not talking to her was one thing, her hurt or—-
"El, El, I'm ok." Her voice was strained and he realized how tight he was holding her.
"Shit, I'm sorry," he apologized but only loosening the embrace slightly. He had to keep her safe. "Thank you Liv."
"For what? Not suffocating in your bear hug?"
"No," he said ignoring her attempt at a joke. "For everything you're doing. For everything you've always done. Trying to keep my sorry ass in line. Even everything you did for my kids."
She shrugged. "Nothing you wouldn't have done."
"Doesn't matter. Even after everything—" he shook his head not wanting to bring up that particular memory right now. "Kathleen thinks you're a saint you know?"
Olivia laughed.
"Can't say I blame her. You saved her life. If you hadn't brought my mom to talk to her when she was in jail that time who knows what would've happened."
"You knew about that?" She asked backing out of his arms.
"Of course I did." He settled in across from her, his arms folded. "You thought I wouldn't find out?"
"She made me swear not to tell you."
"And you kept that promise. You threw me a hint that day in the courtroom, but Kathleen eventually told me."
Maybe god remembered how cute you were as a carrot. God, they really had been through so much together. So many years, so much history. Strangers but best friends. Codependent people that didn't talk for 10 years. They were walking contradictions.
"You know sometimes I can't really believe you're here," Olivia whispered trying to keep the tears at bay. "That you're here in my kitchen. In my life. It's—-"
"Surreal," he finished for her. "Liv, I can't say I'm sorry enough."
She shushed him. Honestly, there was nothing more he could say. Not right now. There was a decade of stuff they had to figure out and even more years of stuff they needed to muddle through.
"It is what it is. At this point we need to just focus on Wheatley so we can get back to a normal life," she said walking back to the living room to put some distance between them. The kitchen was suddenly closing in on her.
"Normal," he repeated.
She instantly caught her mistake. "El I'm sorry."
He waved her off. "No, no you're right. I want to get back to normal. A new normal anyway. For my kids. For me."
She nodded.
"And for you," he added.
She tensed, taking a deep breath.
"I know you're not ready to talk about it now Liv. I get it. What changed? You wanted to talk about it at one point. When you came to my building that night."
She sat on the sofa, and he sat next to her close enough that their hands touched. In the past he would push back, put the distance there without being obvious but that was before. Now, they'd touched more than they probably had during their whole partnership. Every time it happened he waited. Waited for that burst of something to tell him to pull away. Guilt. Regrets. Whatever it was. But it never happened. Instead, he held on for just a little longer. Touches whispering, then lingering as long as possible.
"You were busy," she countered.
"I'm not busy now. As a matter of fact, while we wait on your Chief, I've got all the time in the world."
"Elliot," she whispered in an admonishing tone, but her fingers interlocked with his. "You told me to back off."
He needed to say something. Anything. His fingers closed on hers brushing her knuckles back and forth. If he said anything wrong the moment would be lost or she would try and run. That part of her hadn't changed.
"And I also told you I loved you."
"Yeah, under duress."
"So you think I didn't mean it?" He asked holding on to her hand tighter so she couldn't try to bolt. "Liv."
Elliot shifted to the edge of the sofa and leaned towards her so she could look him right in the eye. "That wasn't some random outburst. I meant what I said."
She was starting to panic. Not right now. She couldn't hear him say—-
"What I said in the letter was true. I do love you Olivia, and I'm pretty sure I always have."