"How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?" - Doc Luben
Sakura's eyes are closed and there is a ringing in her ears similar to the sound a river makes as it crashes against rocks.
"You are angry."
She remembers her first day of combat training, remembers trying to be more than misguided anger and sloppy hits.
"I'm not."
She remembers being stubborn and failing, anyway.
"I'd be worried if you weren't. Come, sit down. We are taking a break."
She remembers Tsunade's understanding brown eyes. The flicker of recognition in them, one that said 'I might as well be looking into a mirror.'
"But shishou, we just got started!"
The water called to her, it was defeaning. Tsunade's laughter proved to be stronger, however. It overpowered the river with effortless grace.
"Trust me, Sakura." she patted the seat next to her. "You will beg me for a break once we get down to business."
A ghost of a smile crosses her features.
And beg she did.
"I'm trying not to be." she paused, ashamed. "Angry, I mean."
Tsunade arched an elegant brow. "Why? Anger can be your fuel, if you let it. The more you try pushing it down, the harder it will spill out of you."
Sakura hadn't understood.
"I thought shinobi were not supposed to show emotion..."
The unladylike snort caught the pinkette off guard.
"Ideally, yes. Life is far from ideal, though. If it was ideal, Sasuke wouldn't have left, would he?"
Her eyes sting.
"You did nothing to help."
She remembers Tsunade-shishou's harsh words, ice shards cutting through her skin.
"I did my best..."
"Your best wasn't enough, Sakura."
The river is back. She can hear it.
"Let's talk about Naruto. He didn't return with Sasuke. He failed."
"He almost died!"
Tears well up in the corner of her eyes.
"But he made a full recovery. He always gets back up on his feet, that gaki." A pause. "Do you blame Sasuke for leaving?"
She shook her head strongly.
"N-no!"
"Do you blame Naruto?"
Sakura bowed her head.
"No."
"What about Kakashi? He is the adult. He was supposed to take care of you."
"I don't blame Kakashi-sensei, either."
Tsunade pushed her to the breaking point.
"Who is at fault, then? Who are you really angry at, Sakura? Who do you blame for Team Seven's fallout?"
The river roars in her ears and she remembers letting it loose.
"I AM ANGRY WITH MYSELF, OKAY? IT'S MY FAULT. I WAS WEAK AND STUPID. A WASTE OF SPACE. NO WONDER SASUKE-KUN DIDN'T TAKE ME WITH HIM AND KAKASHI-SENSEI NEVER TOOK ME SERIOUSLY. AND HOW DID I REPAY NARUTO FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS DONE FOR ME? I WAS HORRIBLE, I..."
Tsunade's arms wrapped around the pinkette, her touch grounding.
"It's easier to be angry than it is to break. Anger is often a smokescreen for other emotions, ones that make us vulnerable." she gave her forearm a squeeze. "Cry, if you must. I'm letting you have today."
"I ruined it, shishou. I ruined everything..."
The Fifth Hokage grasped her chin, voice firm. "Listen to me, Sakura. You made mistakes, yes. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Or tell you that it's okay. It wasn't and it isn't. But you know your mistakes now. You are beginning to see things differently, starting to grow and trying to make amends. That's more than I can say about most people. Running is easy. For years, all I did was run. Run to escape reality, drown my grief with sake as if that would make it go away...I grew a pair too late and I'd hate it for you and Naruto to take after me and Jirayia. Truth is, we didn't fight for Orochimaru as much as we could have. I want better for you. Don't be me. Be better."
"Thank you, shishou." she tells the wind, having picked The First Hokage's head to sit on, as to feel closer to Tsunade who didn't have her face carved in the Hokage Mountain just yet.
The water stills, the ringing in her ears stops and behind the red curtains of pain and fury...big blue eyes stare up at her.
And Sakura finds herself staring right back.
~.~
"I thought I'm the only one who does that." A five-year-old Naruto mumbles, utterly adorable in his confusion. He gestures with a hand. "Sitting up there, I mean."
She should probably say something in return, but her throat feels dry, almost as if her vocal chords have stopped functioning.
"Ne, Sakura-chan..."
The familiarity of the honorific, hurts.
"Yes?" she manages to reply, barely audible as she jumps, landing next to him.
Naruto hears her just fine.
"Who is your favorite hokage? Is it the Shodaime? You were sitting on his head, earlier..." he sounds excited, as though he didn't expect Sakura to do anything other than ignore him and run away.
At this point in time, she is still known as the shy and timid nerd, after all. Little civilian Haruno Sakura, scared of her own shadow. She wonders whether Naruto heard of the 'Ami incident.'
He doesn't look like he did...
My favorite hokage isn't even a hokage yet.
Naruto isn't entirely wrong in his assumption, though. Before Tsunade-sama, she admired Hashirama-sama greatly.
Still does.
"Yeah, the Shodaime is my favorite." Sakura says when she finally finds her voice. "What's yours?"
Naruto nearly blinds her with his smile.
"That's cool!" then he pushes his body down the metal railing, unafraid of falling. He jumps down before it ends only to come back up to her, racing. "The Yondaime is my hero though Lord Third jii-chan is also nice. He treats me to ramen sometimes..." his eyes widen. "Have you ever had ramen, Sakura-chan? I know a place. Old man Teuchi always lets me have some for free if I do well at the Academy or when I'm feeling particularly sad..."
A giggle escapes her. Were she a true six-year-old, she wouldn't have caught half of what Naruto just rambled.
Baka. Sakura thinks with a fond smile.
Out loud, she says. "Ramen, huh? I never tried it before." the pinkette grasps the sleeve of his shirt gently, linking their arms together. "Let's go. I'm hungry."
No, she isn't.
She doesn't really eat much these days. Can't. But she will try, for him. Naruto's big blue eyes water, his bottom lip quivers and Sakura's heart clenches.
"Really?"
"Really."
For him, she will try anything.
~.~
...well, almost anything.
"I'm not pranking Iruka-sensei, Naruto."
"Why not?!"
Sakura pinches the skin between her brows, sarcasm lacing the following words. "I don't know. Maybe, because he is our teacher and we ought to respect him?"
I don't get it.
In the timeline she came from, Naruto and Iruka-sensei were thick as thieves. They were family in all but name. How did the two of them go from ignoring and pranking to sharing meals and hugging?
It dawns on her a few seconds later. If saving them and saving the village would be the standard friendship requirement...
...there would be a lot less friendships out there.
Naruto deserves to have friends before he grows up to become a hero.
"Sakura-chan...that's the only way I get people to notice me." he deflates, bowing his head.
And suddenly, she has an idea.
"I'm going to do something better than help you prank him."
Naruto perks up at that, hope radiating off him in waves. "What? What?"
She ruffles his hair. "I will be your sensei. We will do our homework together and I will explain to you whatever is that you don't understand...though I have one condition."
He leans closer, watching her expectantly. "What condition, Sakura-chan?"
"I want you to lay off the pranks and quit skipping classes. If one week of doing that doesn't improve your relationship with Iruka-sensei...then I will still help you but I won't meddle if you play pranks or skip school anymore." she holds out a hand, waiting. "So, do we have a deal?"
Naruto doesn't disappoint, reaching out to shake her hand and seal their agreement. "Hell yeah 'ttebayo!"
Tripping in front of Uchiha Itachi is something Sakura swore hadn't been planned. It carried the same level of irony and incredulity as the cliché 'stepping on a banana peel' would have. Except, you see, it actually made more sense than the one mentioned above.
She hadn't just tripped and faceplanted in front of Itachi...she had tripped and faceplanted because of Itachi. And who wouldn't, really, if they knew what she knew and time travelled to the past? There he was, one of Konoha's most notorious criminals and, perhaps, the most terrifying one, too — yes, Orochimaru included.
Wiping out your entire clan required a certain degree of cold-bloodiness. Madness, surely. And... the pinkette mused as she picked herself up from the ground, ...outstanding skill. In the timeline she had come from, Sakura couldn't recall ever meeting Itachi as a child. Her only run in with him had happened years after, consisting of Itachi the kin-murderer and not Itachi the pride and joy of the Uchiha, Sasuke's older brother.
Looking at him now, younger and almost serene — though no less imposing — she was having a hard time reconciling the two versions...especially as Sasuke ran past the Academy gates barreling straight into his chest. There was a fondness in Itachi's eyes that shouldn't be there. The barest hint of a smile, soft and a pat to the head so gentle her eyebrows were unable to keep away from her hairline.
Overall, she felt as if she were observing someone else entirely. Itachi was silent for the most part, seemingly content to let Sasuke talk his ear off about this and that and "I need to show you the cool jutsu I learned today nii-san!"
And perhaps Sakura would have lingered for awhile longer as to watch the siblings and marvel at just how happy Sasuke-kun used to be and how easily it would slip her mind every now and then that Itachi had massacred the Uchiha, would massacre them in the future.
Because...that was the last thing anyone with a good pair of eyes would suspect him of doing whilst witnessing him and his younger brother interact. Thus, Sakura remained rooted on the spot, a mess of pink hair tangled up in knots and confusion, staring at Uchiha Itachi's retreating back as though nothing had ever made any less sense.
Something was telling — No, not telling...Telling was too light a term for the heaviness of it all — screaming that she lets it go. That she doesn't interfere, doesn't meddle, doesn't start digging for information.
And normally, that would have been enough for Sakura. Common sense, that is. It was Naruto who couldn't — who refused to stay out of things that weren't his business; that were better left alone, period. Usually.
So, it bugged her. Not knowing, not getting it. And she'd think about it, maybe more often than she ought to. And she'd wonder. And theorize about Itachi and Sasuke and the Uchiha and everything-in-between. Come up with answers and hold internal debates, playing devil's advocate and countering each.
The moment she started losing sleep over it, however, was the moment she should have given up. It just so happened that she chose the reverse. Naruto would be proud of her. Future Naruto, that is.
She'd rather not burden the small ball of sunshine she had befriended early this time around. Not yet. Never, if she could help it. But Sakura wasn't delusional. And, on that note, she was done standing by and letting bad things happen without putting up a fight.
Watch me, Naruto, Sasuke.
Watch me.