Chapter Thirty Six

Bella

The motel we ended up in was scruffy looking but clean and the sight of a bed made me realize just how weary I was. A shower wouldn't go amiss either. I just wished I had a change of clothes, but I'd left all mine behind at the campsite and only had the ones I stood up in. The same ones that Jasper had bought me last time we stopped. That thought made me smile inwardly before I caught myself and pushed such feelings deep down.

Jasper seemed to read my mind.

"Do I have your word that you won't go hitchhiking again if I leave you for a while?"

I nodded and meant it, even as I understood it meant he had completely stopped controlling me.

"Sure. Take your time."

He nodded and left, going to hunt was my guess, and I turned to the bathroom deciding a hot shower was top of my list even if it meant wrapping myself in a towel until my underwear dried. Luckily the heating was on full so they shouldn't take long.

The shower made me feel so much better but underscored just how tired I was. Tired and hungry. It was the first time since Paul's attack that I had really thought about eating. The memory of the burger I had devoured hours ago made my stomach growl. Was I improving? Something like that would have seen me racing to the bathroom a few weeks ago. Now I felt that I could eat a dozen of them.

As the mist cleared from the mirror my face swam into focus and I studied the scars, running my fingers down the furrows left by Paul's claws. Usually, this would have stoked my rage, but not this time. The hot pit of coals that had been my constant companion, glowing in my center, had dulled to embers.

Only when I thought about Johnny H did the embers begin to glow white-hot. I no longer wanted to kill every creature who preyed on humans or threatened them. Now I only wanted one person. The one who had turned me into his personal arsenal and forgotten to warn me of the consequences. Why was it that every way I turned the so-called 'guardians' were the enemy, and vampires my salvation?

I wanted to blame Edward and his precious family for Charlie's death but bottom line, the Quileute guardians had been the ones protecting us and it was on their watch that my dad had been slaughtered.

Edward had broken my heart but it was Paul who had broken my body.

They were the reason I had become the killer I now was. Any deaths laid at my feet belonged at those of the guardians too.

Johnny H had introduced me to the hunters and told me what I was. He had pointed me at the vampires. The Children of the Moon had been an aside. He felt the only ones who should be protected were his kind. He had used my ancestry and hatred of the Volturi to turn me into his weapon. The fact it would result in my death hadn't seemed important to him. Not important enough to mention to me anyhow.

A sudden flash of rage shot through me and the next thing I knew I was standing amid the shards of the broken mirror. It was good to know I still had it in me to destroy because I had at least one more target left.

I had just finished clearing up the mess when Jasper returned, much faster than I had anticipated, and he came bearing gifts.

He didn't question the missing mirror or my bleeding finger, I had sliced it open on a shard, just handed me two parcels.

"Some fresh clothes. I thought you'd feel better in something clean. I just grabbed what I thought, they may not be to your taste. The other contains pizza, salad and soda."

I stared at him, the bruises were there again and darker than ever, as were his eyes.

"You should have hunted."

"There's time for that later. I can go out while you catch up on your sleep. You might want to wrap that finger up though."

I blushed. It was the scent of my blood turning his eyes black.

"Sorry. Give me a minute."

I hurriedly grabbed some toilet paper and ran my finger under cold water until the blood had more or less stopped then wrapped the cut before joining him again.

Grabbing the food I curled up on the bed still wrapped in the towel and sipped the soda.

"You can tell me your story while I eat."

He leaned against the wall and slid down until he was resting on his heels then began to talk as I took the first bite out of my pizza.

Half an hour later, when he finished speaking, I realized that I couldn't remember doing so although I had finished my meal.

"Your story is as ugly as mine."

"Yes, you aren't the only one with scars, Bella."

He rolled his sleeves up and turned his arm so the light shone on it showing up scars, too many to count. It was like his arm had been covered in tattoos. Crescent shapes, teeth marks.

Then he pulled down his shirt and I saw his neck and shoulder were marked in the same way.

"That must have been agony."

Walking over to him I stretched out my hand, "May I?"

He hesitated then nodded and I ran my fingers lightly over his bare shoulder feeling the ridges that overlapped. At the touch, I felt a thrill, a spark of electricity shot through me and I gasped pulling away abruptly.

To cover my embarrassment I grabbed the clothes he had bought and ran into the bathroom to get changed. I could feel my cheeks burning but there was another more subtle warmth filling my body. One I had no control over and I had no idea what to do next. Things were becoming dangerously out of control.

Jasper

Bella's sudden departure took me by surprise, but I thought I knew why she had done it and it had nothing to do with my scars. She had felt the same thrill that I did. Even though I knew my feelings for her were probably inappropriate I could do nothing about it.

Even when she and Edward had been an item I found myself drawn to her although I hid it from everyone and made sure to keep my distance. Why he had given up on her after all the trouble we went to in order to keep her safe from James I couldn't understand. I knew his feelings for her were colored by the draw of her blood, but even so. He was the most shallow person I had ever met. His feelings for her weren't strong enough for him to work on their relationship. I stopped myself there, it was none of my business.

Even if Bella had felt the connection between us there was no way she would ever admit to it. She hated everything I represented. Thinking back at what she had gone through as a result of associating with vampires I couldn't blame her. I may love Bella, but it would only ever be unrequited love. I didn't deserve more, I knew that. I would never be good enough for someone like her and there was no way she was going to admit to having feelings for another of my kind. I knew only too well how stubborn she could be.

The real Bella was still in there somewhere, I sensed her. This hard carapace had been forged by pain and those she had met since her 'accident' who had fed it. Renee who had told her the story of her ancestors, Johnny H who saw in her a weapon against the vampires and the hunters who had fed her more stories of lives damaged and lost due to the actions of the same monsters.

Only her hatred of the guardians was truly her own and I understood her thirst for revenge. If she really couldn't rest until Paul and Johnny H were dead then I would help her all I could.

Deciding it would be better to give her some space I left to go hunting. She was right, my thirst was now a living thing gnawing at my insides and I needed to have a clear head when I was with her.

Bella

I heard the door close and knew I was alone in the motel. A part of me felt huge relief, but the larger part felt a pang of loss.

I slumped down hard on the toilet and bowed my head. What a mess! What the hell was I going to do now? My thirst for revenge, the rage that had been a constant companion for so long now was fading. I didn't want to feel calm, to start thinking rationally, it was alien to the new me. It had driven me, made my decisions, showed me what I needed to do, everything had been so clear. Then Jasper turned up and my world flipped upside down.

I knew what that feeling had been when we touched even if I had never felt anything so strong before, and I hated myself for it. I didn't want to feel anything for vampires except disgust and rage. My path had been so clear and learning that my actions would kill me hadn't mattered a damn. I had nothing left to live for. My death would have been a blessed relief so long as I survived long enough to kill those I blamed for the mess my life had become.

Perhaps broadening the list to include all vampires, guardians, and children of the moon had been more of an ego trip than a possibility. Maybe I should have followed my original plan to kill Caius, Paul, and Victoria. Of course, Caius had already been dealt with, but Johnny H had been added to the list and both he and Paul were in Denali and potentially within my grasp.

The trouble was that I had allowed two vampires to slip under my guard, Jasper and Darius. Both had pasts as tragic as mine, but both had somehow survived and Darius had finally gotten his revenge even though it had meant centuries of patience. They were guides for me, don't go off on a killing spree, focus on those who had wronged you.

I shook my head, that wasn't strictly true, Jasper hadn't killed Maria, but he was here and planning on getting revenge against the man who was responsible for sending Maria to him. Eleazar was a friend or at least an acquaintance. How easy would it be for Jasper to kill him? Would his actions bring down the wrath of the Volturi? I knew that it was against their law for anyone to separate mates and Eleazer and Carmen were mates. Perhaps Jasper would kill them both, yet he didn't strike me as a man to kill the innocent and Carmen had nothing to do with what happened to him, not as far as I was aware.

Smiling I realized that I hadn't cared if the vampires or children of the moon that I had helped to murder had mates who would be left in pain as a result. Did it matter though? Why should I care about monsters who fed on and killed humans?

There were so many thoughts filling my head that it began to ache and I rubbed my forehead with a shaking hand. I was so tired I couldn't even think straight. I wished Jasper were here to soothe my brain, take away all the confusion and pain then gritted my teeth. I couldn't afford to start relying on him. Either he was the enemy and deserved to die or he was a friend.

A friend? Well, I guess that was one way of putting it, but I knew that wasn't the word to describe my feelings for him. A word I never expected to hear myself think. I couldn't afford any more complications and I was not going to fall into the trap of confusing need with some other kind of desire. That was it, I didn't lo...feel things for Jasper, I was disarmed by his concern for me that was all.

I wish I'd never moved to Forks, that I'd stayed with the woman I had called mother. Then perhaps none of this would ever have happened. No, Bella, but you would have been living a lie and one day the truth would have come out and you would probably have been killed without ever knowing why. Still, would that have been such a bad thing?

Deciding I was too exhausted to think any longer I pulled on clean underwear supplied by Jasper, cleaned my teeth and, turning the lights off, stretched out on the bed. I guess I should have been embarrassed at the thought of Jasper buying me such intimate items but I was too tired and well past such shallow emotions.

I didn't think I would be able to sleep, but the next thing I knew daylight was flooding the room, yet Jasper still wasn't back.

Again I felt an aching emptiness and hated myself for my weakness. Getting up was a struggle. I didn't feel refreshed by my sleep and could easily have gone back to bed but instead, I freshened myself up and changed into the other clothes from the parcel. A pair of jeans and a sweater.

It occurred to me that I should be grateful it was Jasper and not Alice who had done the shopping. She would have used the opportunity to dress me her way.

I wondered fleetingly where she was, in Volterra with Edward and the others? What had happened between her and Jasper for them to part? They had been joined at the hip when I knew them, seemingly very much in love, but then what did I know of love?

I was getting hungry again, but I had no money and I was reluctant to leave the room.

Where was Jasper?

Switching on the TV I flicked idly through the channels not really seeing anything when the door opened.

I tensed then relaxed when Jasper stepped in.

"Sorry I was gone so long. I had a few errands to run."

"Oh?"

I tried to sound cool and disinterested, but I was aware he would hear my heart beating faster.

He smiled faintly and I waited for some comment, instead, he just handed over a steaming mug of coffee and a pastry.

"I hope this is OK. We can eat properly later. Did you get some sleep?"

I nodded, my mouth was too full of pastry for anything else.

"Good. We still have a long way to go."

While I finished my breakfast he disappeared into the bathroom and a few seconds later I heard water running. A vision of Jasper naked under the flow of hot water flashed into my mind and I felt my cheeks blaze. Get a grip, Bella, for goodness sake. We needed to move so I could focus on something else.

I was relieved when the water finally shut off and then the door opened and he stood there, his hair tousled from rubbing it dry and a few beads of water running down his neck and across his chest following the lines of his scars. I was so flustered I didn't know what to say and I was relieved when he pulled a tee-shirt over his head. He still looked as sexy as hell, but I was able to get my brain into gear once more.

Seemingly oblivious to the effect he had on me although I feared he could feel my emotions even though I tried to keep them hidden, he threw himself onto the bed and found a news channel.

"You might find this interesting, Bella."

Wrenching my attention from him I glanced at the screen to see a reporter, a Mediterranean town on a hill in the distance behind him.

"I am here outside the town of Volterra with some breaking news. It would appear that the Volturi Foundation which has provided this area with so much financial support over the years has been forced to close its doors due to accusations of financial irregularities. Several documents have been forwarded to the Banca d'Italia which appear to show that the Volturi foundation has been funding organized crime syndicates for many years. As yet these are merely accusations and will be properly investigated by the Polizia di Stato. We have contacted the foundation for a comment and are awaiting a reply."

I frowned, "I didn't know the Volturi were so public-minded. Do you think Darius is behind this?"

Jasper nodded, "Oh yes. He's got what he wanted. Taken out Caius and ripped the ground out from beneath the Volturi. It's clever really. He knew the Volturi has called Volterra home for centuries; they were clever in building up a reputation as a charitable foundation within the area. They are pretty much a part of the town's fabric. He wanted them tied up in litigation and firmly in the eye of the authorities. No doubt they will talk or pay their way out of whatever trouble they are in but it will take time and they will need to watch themselves for a very long time."

"I'm glad he's not gunning for me. Who knows what he might come up with."

Jasper smiled, "Actually, I think Darius had a grudging respect for you."

I grunted and closed my eyes, not at all sure that I wanted the respect of a vampire. However, Darius was clever and resourceful and while he wanted Caius' head he had also wanted to make the rest of the Volturi pay for protecting their 'brother'. Maybe I could learn something from his example.