Chapter Thirty Nine

Jasper

This was wrong on so many levels. I was well aware of my feelings for Bella although I still fought them, just as I had when I first recognized them. She was a vulnerable young woman and I was taking advantage of her need for some stability. Her whole life had crumbled, everything she had believed had been proved a lie and she was all alone in the world.

More than anything I wanted her to reciprocate my feelings but even if she did… Well, would either of us feel able to trust these were true? Neither of us could afford to take a chance. Two scarred individuals who had been hurt too many times to risk it again.

I didn't think I could bear to let her go but what was the alternative? I could hardly follow her around like a stray puppy for the rest of her life. I still had my pride, besides which I could put her in danger again if any of the Major wannabees discovered that she was important to me. If they couldn't brag about taking me down then killing the girl I loved would be the next best thing.

God! Why did life have to be so damn complicated?

Despite my good intentions, I couldn't resist the urge to lay my face on her head and breathe in her perfume. She smelled so good I found myself inhaling deeply and allowed my imagination to run wild, just for a moment.

If only we didn't have to go on. If everything was settled and we could please ourselves where we went and what we did. I could stay here just like this forever with Bella cradled in my arms.

The change in her breathing alerted me to the fact she was now deeply asleep. I think exhaustion had finally caught up with her. For months she had lived on her nerves, filled with an almost uncontrollable hatred and I knew only too well how draining that could be.

Aware that the cold from my body must be leaching through the thin robe she wore I knew I should lay her on the bed and leave her to her slumbers. I knew it, but I couldn't force myself to get up.

Instead, I sat and thought about all she had been through. Everything that had happened to this frail young human girl and understood that was my fault, at least in part.

If I hadn't allowed myself to be driven from Forks. If I had considered what the consequences of our action in killing the nomad would be I could have spared her much of this pain.

A little voice in my head spoke up at this, 'Yes, and if you had followed your first instinct and killed her back in Forks before Edward got tangled up with her she would have been spared everything.'

I had felt it was the right thing to do at the time, she was a danger to the family, although I was now so glad that Alice had talked me out of it. Now I asked myself if this had been as a result of the knowledge that Carlisle had other plans for Bella? I still found it difficult to understand how Alice had hidden her true emotions from me, but then again I had learned a lot about the Cullen family over the past month and all of it was distasteful. I had been a fool, blinded by my feelings for Alice. Feelings that had proved to be all one-sided.

Bella moved uneasily and with a sigh, I got carefully to my feet and carried her over to the bed. Laying her gently down I pulled the covers over her then leaned in and kissed her gently on the forehead. It was a liberty I know and the gentleman in me felt unease at my forward action but again, I couldn't help myself.

As I turned to leave Bella reached out and took my hand.

"Don't go, please."

I hesitated then nodded and sat beside her on the bed as she opened her eyes and gazed into my face.

"I thought you were asleep."

She sighed, "I was but then I felt suddenly alone."

"You're exhausted mentally and physically and no wonder after all you've been through. Try to get some sleep. I'll leave you in peace."

She tensed, "NO!" then continued more quietly, "I mean, there's no need for you to go. I feel better with you here."

"OK. I'll stay. Now you try to sleep."

I sat on the edge of the bed as she was still holding my hand.

"I don't want to feel this way, Jasper. I hate feeling so helpless."

She laughed bitterly, "Me the great monster hunter, stupid isn't it?"

"I don't think so. Especially now you understand what your gift is doing to you. That must have scared you."

She relaxed again and closed her eyes, "It shouldn't matter, should it? I mean what have I got to live for now?"

"Hey, no more of that. Don't wish an end to your life. Trust me, it's far too valuable to throw away so lightly."

She sighed and I thought she was drifting off again but then she whispered, "I'm so confused."

"You'll feel better in the morning."

She grimaced and lay there with her eyes closed. Should I help her to sleep? I'd done it often enough but it felt like an imposition now.

"Jasper?"

"Yes?"

Her cheeks flushed pink, "Would you hold me? Just for a little while."

I should have refused and gotten the hell out of there. Instead, I just kicked off my boots and settled on the bed beside her wrapping an arm around her shoulders while trying to keep the comforter between us.

"I'm sorry. I know it's not right, but I just don't want to be alone tonight."

"That's OK. I didn't want to go anyhow. Talk to me, Bella. Maybe that will help you relax."

Snuggling closer she began to speak, "I'm scared. Tomorrow it's going to be all over and I keep asking myself what do I do then? Only my hatred and thirst for revenge kept me going this long. Where do I go when it's over? What's left for me?"

I studied her face and understood that she was lost and afraid like a child astray in the woods.

"Bella, you have your whole life before you. I'm pretty sure Charlie will have left you well provided for. You can do whatever you want. You must have had some idea what you wanted to do when you graduated."

She laughed mirthlessly, "I guess I must have but then I met Edward and everything changed. I discovered another secret world hiding in plain sight. I learned about monsters and you can't unlearn that. My life can never be the same. Besides, look at me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a freak."

"You're hardly a freak."

"No? Well, you're in a minority. I don't like looking at myself now."

"Hence the smashed mirror. I thought maybe that was the reason. Look, I have no right to say this but…" I hesitated.

She stared into my face, "But?"

I shook my head, this was getting too intense to be safe.

She grunted, "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. You should probably go. It's not fair crying on your shoulder. Some kind of vampire hunter I turned out to be. Pathetic."

"Not pathetic at all. I think you just got caught up in our world through no fault of your own and you've struggled to make sense of everything. Rage appears to make your path clearer and several people used that to get you to do what they wanted which was so wrong."

"I was used? Yeah, I get that. If I could only see Edward once more."

My guts clenched, surely she didn't still have feelings for Edward?

"I'd like to wipe that supercilious smile off his face. I mean I know he thinks he saved me by walking away and leaving me in those woods but...God, I hate him."

I felt the spark of anger race through her but it was swamped by my own feelings of relief. I don't think I could have stomached Bella pining for that sorry excuse for a man.

When she suddenly pulled the cover from between us and snuggled even closer I felt my body react involuntarily. I should do something...

"You're going to get cold without a cover."

That little voice spoke again, 'Really? That's the best you could come up with? Pathetic!'

"I'm warm enough. I just wish I could stop the world and get off."

I had no words for her and I knew if I spoke the tone of my voice would give away my true feelings for her.

"I hate vampires, but I can't hate you. Why is that, Jasper?"

I tried to laugh but it stuck in my throat as her warm body set my own on fire.

"Jasper?"

The atmosphere was suddenly thick with emotion and I tensed, this shouldn't be happening.

'Then get up and leave.' I cursed that fucking voice!

Her arms wound around my neck pulling me down until we were face to face.

I felt her warm breath on my cheek as she moved closer and then our lips met.

My senses were becoming overwhelmed and I wanted to give in to the urges that filled my body but that little voice just wouldn't give up.

"Whoa there, major. Are you sure about this?"

I wanted to shut it up but there was something in his words. I might be sure but was Bella? I knew she was still pure and I didn't want her first experience to be one she regretted later.

I pulled free so I could look at her, "Bella, I think maybe we should talk about this."

She smiled, her face flushed with the same desire I was feeling.

"We probably should but it wouldn't change anything. I've spent the past week fighting this and I can't do it any longer. Now maybe that's wrong. I don't know and right now I don't really care. Unless, of course, I read it all wrong and you don't feel the same way?"

I felt relief flood my brain and quieten the voice in my head to a whisper.

"Oh God, I do, Bella. You have no idea. It's just, well, you're not in a good place right now with everything that's happened…"

She put her finger to my lips, "You think I'm clutching at straws? So confused that I'm grabbing hold of the one person I know I can trust? You're worried I'm going to regret this in the morning aren't you?"

I nodded and she became serious, "Jasper. I've never felt so sure about anything in my life. It feels so right but if you still distrust me then feel my emotions. They can't lie."

She was right, I felt her desire for me as if it were a living being and I pulled her close kissing her hungrily. Suddenly all my fears melted away and nothing mattered but the girl in my arms.

Bella

I woke up next to Jasper and dared not open my eyes. Last night had been wonderful but I felt both embarrassed and ashamed. After all I had put him through, the threats and taunts, to end up here in his arms. But how could it be so wrong when it felt so right?

I didn't want this to end. If only we could stay here forever. Forget the past, forget everything that had happened and just stay here together as we are now.

Frightened to move lest he pull away I memorized every sensation, his hard cool body next to mine, the feel of his hair against my cheek, his hand lying half curled on my breast.

I had often wondered what it would be like. I mean I had heard enough and I wasn't stupid but somehow no words could explain the feelings. Edward would have been my first if he hadn't made it so clear that to sleep with a vampire would result in my death. Well, here I was, still alive and breathing So, had Edward lied or had he just not wanted me?

"Are you OK?"

Jasper's voice was soft and full of concern.

I opened my eyes and rolled over until I was facing him.

"Yes. Why?"

He pushed a strand of hair away from my face and smiled, "Oh, I don't know. I thought perhaps you might wake up and decide you'd just made a terrible mistake."

I shook my head, "No. Not a mistake. Maybe the craziest thing I've ever done, but I have no regrets. Do you?"

"Only that it didn't happen sooner, and I probably shouldn't have said that."

I smiled more widely, "That's OK. Me too, but remember, I was busy trying to kill vampires, not sleep with them."

He pulled me close and we kissed again.

Only some hours later when we had reluctantly dragged ourselves from the bed and were both showered and dressed did I face the realities of the day.

"We should leave. It's going to be late by the time we reach Denali."

He nodded, looking grave, "I guess so. I just wish we didn't have to leave yet."

I agreed with that sentiment, "Me too, but we both have unfinished business."

He reached out and took my hand, "Oh, I think you and I have much unfinished business."

I knew what he meant and agreed but I couldn't allow Paul to go unpunished or Johnny H. They both felt they were untouchable. Well, maybe they had been. But that was before they crossed me.

"I know and once this is over, if you still want, we can work on that unfinished business."

Jasper nodded and kissed my hand before releasing it.

"Then I guess we should get going only this time I'll drive. I know the roads and it'll be quicker."

I was happy with that, I wanted to use the time to consider what had happened and where it might lead. I knew I was hopelessly in love with Jasper and I knew his feelings for me were strong but did he really want to get tied up with a mixed-up part human who hated most of his kind? Did he still feel somehow responsible for what had happened to me? I doubted his feelings centred on guilt but I didn't trust my own feelings or my capacity to make good decisions.

I leaned against the door so I could watch him as we drove. As I did so I wondered what I had seen in Edward. The comparison was stark. Edward actually looked like a teenager, albeit one with the capacity to read minds which gave him the knowing grin he wore most of the time. I had found it cute at the time but now it just made me angry. It wasn't right he knew what everyone was thinking all the time, it gave him a great advantage which he used for his own good.

Jasper on the other hand looked like a man. Someone who had seen the world with all its cruelty and lived to tell the tale. He appeared dangerous but then didn't all the girls like the bad boy? Was I any different?

"Penny for them."

I shook my head, "Oh no. They are for me to know and you to ponder on."

He grinned and reached across to take my hand, "You look much better this morning. More relaxed."

"Thanks to you. Jasper, what are you going to do about Eleazar?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I guess it was all such a long while ago. On the other hand, he might still be working for the Volturi and if I let it go someone else could lose their human life to help Aro."

I nodded, "Yeah, I get that. You don't think I should kill Paul either do you?"

He pulled his hand free and rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "It's not for me to say, Bella. It's your decision to make but taking a life isn't something to be done lightly. You have to live with the consequences for the rest of your days."

"Do you? I mean I know you weren't in control when Maria turned you but…"

"But I continued taking human lives even after I learned self-control? Yeah, the ghosts haunt me. I won't lie to you, but I've learned to live with the guilt over the years. I just don't want you to go through the same hell I did."

We were quiet after that, both lost in our thoughts and by the time we crossed into the park I had decided what I was going to do. I just wondered if Jasper had also reached a conclusion he could live with.