Chapter Forty Five

Esme

When I left Volterra all I knew was that I had to get away from Carlisle. I just couldn't bear another hour in his I looked at him all I saw was a stranger. He wasn't the man I had fallen in love with any longer.

I was concerned that Aro, as Carlisle's friend, might try to prevent me from leaving but on the contrary, he offered me the use of the Volturi jet and any other help I might want.

"I know you may find this hard to believe, Esme, but I am truly sorry for what has happened. Carlisle isn't a bad man, however, he has made the most disastrous choices over the years.

You were the first good thing to happen to him and I thought it might be a turning point in his life. I warned him that his close relationship with Edward would cause him grief but he refused to believe me.

Perhaps in time, you will find it in your heart to forgive him. Even perhaps to give him a second chance. You may not like the work he did for us but it was vital at the time.

He will remain here for the foreseeable future and you can visit whenever you choose. Should you change your mind you will always be welcome to return and make Volterra your home.

For now, we are going to be busy unravelling the trap Darius set for us and I am going to need Carlisle's expertise in working with the humans. Being here might even be good for him. He will find life very lonely without you and perhaps see the error of his ways.

I wish you well, whatever you decide, Esme."

His words went over and over in my mind as I flew back to the United States. I couldn't think of it as home. I felt like a drifter with nowhere I could settle.

I didn't particularly like Aro, but I did sense there was a good man beneath the hard exterior he projected in order to keep our world safe. Perhaps he could talk some sense into Carlisle. On the other hand, I wasn't sure I could ever trust my husband again or that I even wanted to make the attempt. Perhaps divorce was in my future.

Suddenly, for the first time since becoming a vampire, I was truly alone and that scared me. Then I pulled myself together. I wasn't alone and I had no intention of allowing present circumstances to crush me. I still had Rosalie and Emmett and I intended to reunite with them soon.

Firstly, I needed some time to think and the support of a friend which was why I was heading for Denali. I was also worried about Eleazar and the girls. I hoped my presence might be of some comfort to them after Jasper's visit.

I had no idea how badly affected Eleazer had been by Jasper's gift, I'd never seen it in action. I did know that to drop a man like Eleazar it must have been powerful indeed.

Would Jasper and Bella still be in Denali? I hoped not because I didn't want a fight with them. I was the innocent party and couldn't face any further upset.

I did wish them all the happiness in the world. I was glad they had finally found each other again and I knew it was meant to be.

Such thoughts reminded me that my own happiness had been shattered. If I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive Carlisle I would be alone without a mate. That made me wonder if it was indeed true that each vampire had a mate, the one true love of their life. I certainly hoped not or I would be facing the ordeal of an eternity without love.

Both the men I had loved had turned out to be something other than I had
thought them to be. Was I gullible? Or just a poor judge of character? I had so much love to give I didn't think I could bear to be alone.

Shaking my head at my self-pity I determined not to let such morbid thoughts cloud my freedom. I was out of Volterra and soon I would be with friends again. Even though Sulpicia and Athenadora had been very sweet I never felt relaxed with them. To me, it was a little like being the poor relation in a rich man's house. At least with Carmen and the girls I could be myself.

I hadn't called ahead mainly because I didn't know what to say. It seemed best to tell them what had happened face to face. After all, I was still reeling from the disclosures myself.

As I pulled up outside the house I saw Tanya peep through the window and Carmen opened the door as I approached. She looked terrible and I could see the terrible effort she was making to keep from falling apart.

"Esme? What on earth are you doing here? We heard you were in Volterra."

It seemed that bad news travelled fast even in the more remote corners of the earth.

"I was. Can I come in?"

She fell into my arms as I walked through the door and it was some time before she could gather herself to speak.

We were eventually seated around the table in the dining room. Carmen had been joined by Irina and Kate while Tanya hovered in the doorway. She explained that they didn't want to leave Eleazar alone for long.

"All he told us when we got back was that he had a visitor. Ever since then he's been in a terrible state. He refused to tell us what happened, just that it was all his fault. I can't get him to talk, he won't even leave his study to go hunting with me although he needs to. Do you know what's going on, Esme?"

I proceeded to tell them the story as best I could and watched as the ramifications sank in. The fact it was Jasper who had visited hit hardest of all. They knew him so well from our family visits.

Deciding that I might as well finish the tale I also told them what I had discovered about Carlisle and how I had left him in Volterra.

"You poor thing.", Carmen reached across and took my hand, "To be honest I did know a little. Eleazar told me that Carlisle was still connected to the Volturi although I'm not sure he knew quite what was going on."

Irina suddenly spoke up, "How is it that you know so much, Esme? Have you seen Jasper?"

Realizing that I was on shaky ground, Aro had made me promise I would not mention Phoebe or her gift I had to improvise.

"No. I haven't seen Jasper since he left us but Aro had someone watching him and he told us about it. As soon as I heard I knew I had to come."

I felt shocked by Carmen's admission but decided she hadn't said anything because she thought I already knew.

"I'm sorry about what happened to Eleazar but Jasper could have killed him and he didn't. Eleazar's not thinking of going looking for him is he?"

Carmen shook her head, "No. he seems to feel he deserves what he got."

She lowered her voice before continuing, "I think it's the first time he's ever been confronted by the consequences of his actions."

At that moment I heard Eleazar's voice from the doorway.

"Yes, that's true. You sit at a distance and point the finger at a person but you never really give any thought to what will happen next. I suppose I became indifferent. Aro paid well and I liked being an important and valued member of the Volturi."

He walked to a vacant chair and sat down heavily staring into my face.

"Esme, I'm so sorry that you had to be dragged into this unpleasant business. I did speak to Carlisle some time ago. I suggested he tell you the truth seeing as he refused to cut loose from Aro. He didn't think you would ever find out and he knew if he had admitted his connection it would bother you.

As for Jasper... I deserve much more than he gave. I took his life without a second thought. Handed him over to a woman I knew was a psychopath…"

Carmen began to speak but he put up a hand to silence her, "I know what you are going to say, my love. I didn't hand him over to her. The truth is that I knew what would happen to him. I'd met Maria and yet I pointed him out without any hesitation and now I know what that did to him. I turned an honorable young man, fighting for what he thought was right, into a killing machine. I have the blood of every innocent human he killed or turned on my hands, Carmen. I tortured him for decades, day after day and now I know what that felt like and I have to live with it. The problem is that I don't think I have his strength and courage. I'm not sure I can live with the guilt."

I jumped in quickly,

"Jasper survived and he didn't kill you, Eleazer. Doesn't that tell you something? You didn't destroy him. I don't know him well even though he lived with us for some years but he's far stronger than he looks and there's still a lot of good in him. He's protected an innocent girl despite terrible odds."

Eleazar looked at me sharply then nodded.

"Yes, Bella. Now she is powerful. I don't think I would have handed her over to the Volturi even if I'd come across her. Too much power in the hands of one man corrupts."

"Aro never wanted her, Eleazar. He just wanted to make sure that Caius didn't find her. I don't know quite how Jasper found her again but I do know they belong together."

There was a moment's silence and then Carmen turned to me and wondered if she was about to berate me for speaking up for Jasper and spoke up before she could.

"Have you heard from Aro since Jasper visited?"

Eleazar glanced at Carmen before answering, "Yes. He called a little while ago."

Carmen looked shocked, "He did? When? What did he say? I hope he apologized for not warning you that you were in danger. After all you did for him and his precious Volturi."

"Hush, Carmen. I knew the dangers when I worked for the Volturi. I just became complacent after I left them. After all, the gifts I pointed out are all under his command now, or dead. My naivety was my downfall.

When you first visited after he and Alice joined your family, Esme, I was shocked. I never expected to see him again. Luckily he never saw me when I first spotted him. He was too busy saving innocent lives and fighting the Union. I saw that the potential I had seen had grown. He was powerful and dangerous but controlled. I should have realized that one day he might discover the truth and come looking for revenge. If only he had killed me."

Carmen gave a little scream and ran to him, throwing her arms around him protectively.

"Don't say that my love."

I could see the haunted look in his eyes as he regarded me over his wife's shoulder.

"What he made me feel I can never forget. The screams of terror, the excruciating pain, all the suffering of his victims were magnified by his gift. I can still feel the agony of it and those ghosts terrify me. How can I forget such suffering? How does he live with it?"

His head bowed and I saw his hands were shaking again as Carmen tried to comfort him.

"I don't think you can take all the blame on yourself, Eleazar. At the time you did it our world was in turmoil. You did what you had to do to help the Volturi keep our secret. If anyone is to blame it's the Volturi for putting pressure on you."

He looked pityingly at Tanya who had just spoken, "Thank you but that's just passing the buck. I have tried over the centuries to make up for the fact that I took innocent lives but I never gave a thought to those I had changed."

"Well, someone needs to find Jasper Hale and make him pay for what he's done to you."

Irina's eyes were blazing and I feared what might come next but Eleazar stood up shaking his head and looking every bit the patriarch of the family.

"You will stay away from him. Do you understand me? I will not lose anything else I value because of my own stupidity. You have no idea what he is capable of, I do. Leave him in peace. Promise me, all of you."

There was a slight hesitation as the girls exchanged glances but then they complied and I felt the tension flood out of me.

"Will you be staying, Esme?"

"If you'll have me. I need somewhere to relax and think. I couldn't go to any of our houses, there are too many memories."

The girls clustered around me, "Of course you're welcome, Esme. I think we all need some time to come to terms with what we've learned."

"Thank you. All of you. Has anyone heard from Rose or Emmett recently?"

They shook their heads and I decided it was more important to work out what I was going to do about Carlisle. They would be fine and I could catch up with them later.

"Did Jasper say anything before he left? I mean, is he likely to return?"

"No, Esme. I don't think we'll see him again, or Bella but I don't think this is over yet. I got the feeling I wasn't the only person on their list."

I wondered who else would be receiving a visit. If Carlisle had been reachable would he have been made to face the terrible things he had done? More to the point, would I care?