Chapter Sixteen: In Morphine Veritas

It was like time stood still for a moment - and everything fell away and Remus was aware of nothing but his own frantic heart and the blood pounding in his ears and the panic, as he watched his Sirius bleed to death on the ground at his feet.

And then with a great, wailing crunch everything flooded back in on him again - the sounds and sights of the city around them, the cars and the buildings and the billboards, the pigeons and the people crashing in on him in an overwhelming swarm.

And Sirius was still lying there, shaking and bleeding.

He dropped to his knees, kneeling in the pool of his Sirius' blood - feeling it seeping through his robes and not even caring. 'Sirius, Sirius!' His hands were trembling as he tried to get to the wound - to get a better look at it… but the material was too thick - and he grabbed his wand, yelled 'diffindo' and watched it split and then ripped it away so he could get to Sirius' arm.

'I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do...' His voice was high and sharp and had an edge of hysteria to it that even he could hear. He couldn't fix this - they couldn't go back for help - and he couldn't fix this … he would need dittany … and blood replenishing potion … and he didn't have those things. He had nothing ...

He put his hand on the wound, hoping to stop the bleeding - but it was no use - a great chunk had been taken right from Sirius' arm - this was no mere cut - a whole hunk of his flesh was missing and Remus' hand could not hope to keep all that red inside where it belonged. 'Sirius, Sirius…' tears began to blur in his eyes - he felt them spill over and then saw them drip onto Sirius' prone form. 'Sirius,' his voice broke.

'Ban - j -s…' Sirius choked out.

'What? Sirius! What?'

'Ban - d- j-s..'

Remus stared - and then something clicked in his brain. He opened the case, rooting through it - until he found what he was looking for … the bandages Sirius had bought from the muggle shop to help fix him up after the full moon.

He crawled back through the puddle of blood and - with hands still shaking - pressed the bandage down onto the scooped out flesh that made Sirius' wound and then wrapped the gauze around to hold it in place. Even as he watched, the red seeped out and stained the white.

'It isn't enough - it isn't going to be enough - Sirius …'

But Sirius had gone still now - apart from the shallow rising and falling of his chest. His eyes were glassy - and he shuddered involuntarily every so often.

'Sirius!'

He heard footsteps - and looked up desperately. 'Help!' he cried out. Through the blur of his tears he could see a muggle standing there - looking shocked and horrified at the sight of the injured man and all the blood. 'Please, we need help! He's dying!'

The muggle turned and ran.

'No - wait - help!'

But then they came to a stop by one of those public fellytones and grabbed the receiver. They punched some buttons and then gabbled very fast into the mouthpiece and then hung up and came running back to the two of them.

'Ambulanta,' the muggle said.

Remus just stared.

'Ambulance - is coming. Will help.'

Remus had no idea what an amblience was or how it would help, but he nodded gratefully at the muggle. She got down beside him, ignoring the blood that drenched through her clothes, and put a hand over the bandage - holding it firmer in place. Then she reached out and put a hand on Remus' arm as well. 'Is OK,' she said. 'I help. Ambulance coming.'

He just knelt there - beside Sirius and the muggle woman - his eyes blurring with tears, staring in horror, while she applied pressure to Sirius' wound and talked to him in a soothing tone. He didn't understand the words ... but he still knew she was reassuring him all would be well.

And then came a horrendous wailing, shrieking sound - and a white van with a blue flashing light on the top pulled up - and two muggles in overalls poured out of the cab and came running over, bearing a stretcher.

'Sta se desilo?' One of the muggles asked. Remus just gaped at him - not understanding. The muggle woman started to talk - very fast - so Remus could not even discern the individual strange words.

The two muggles from the ambience nodded - and started scooping Sirius onto the stretcher. They picked him up and headed back to their van. Remus got to his feet, 'what - ? wait…'

The muggle woman gripped his arm and pointed after Sirius, 'you go,' she nodded encouragingly. 'Your friend be fine.'

He nodded at her - and then stumbled after Sirius and the muggles. They let him climb in the back - Sirius was in there, on his stretcher, one of the muggles was beside him. The other ran back to the driver seat, hopped in and then - with the horrible wailing noise starting up again - they drove off.

Remus was shaking, he stared at Sirius - and saw the muggle had somehow hooked him up to a clear bag of blood. The blood was then sneaking through a clear tube and straight into Sirius' veins … It was like a blood replenishing potion … only it wasn't a potion It was like they were giving him new blood. He stared at it - watching it slowly trickle inside Sirius.

And a thought hit him. It would be muggle blood. It wouldn't be magic … would putting that inside Sirius stop him being a wizard?

He didn't know enough to know how it worked. People always talked about magical blood - about half bloods and pure bloods and magic being in their veins … but he didn't know if that was just talk, just figurative. Or if their blood really was where their magic lay.

And if it was … would muggle blood make Sirius a muggle? Or would its being inside Sirius be enough to turn muggle blood magical?

He thought about telling the muggle to stop, thought about insisting she use his blood instead...

But then, if he gave Sirius his blood, would that make him a werewolf? Certainly Remus' curse was in his blood … but if he wasn't transformed…?

Was this the choice? Make Sirius a muggle or make him like himself… An outcast, a monster...?

He stared at Sirius' ashen face, not knowing what to do, feeling wave after wave of fear and misery crash in on him … and then Sirius made a sound. Just a low grunt, but he twitched - and his eyelids fluttered.

The muggle yelled something to her partner - Remus didn't understand what she said, but she sounded pleased as she said it. Then she looked at Remus. 'His … pulse. Stronger.'

And Remus suddenly didn't care what that muggle blood would mean for Sirius. It was saving his life, these muggles were saving his life - and if that meant that Sirius became like them … what did that even matter? He would still be alive.

...

Remus hadn't been in a muggle hospital since the day he had been born. Even when his mother had got sick, his dad had kept her home and looked after her with potions. He had never had to be in one of these places before … and he hoped he would never have to again.

The lights were in strips on the ceiling, they were unusually harsh and they flickered and hummed. The place smelled strongly of disinfectant and - for some reason - boiled cabbage. Muggles in their strange version of healers uniforms ran to and fro while patients lay on trolleys in corridors - or sat out in the plastic seats, waiting their turn. The whole place had an aura of sickness and misery and frazzled energy about it.

The ambiublus had pulled up right by the doors - and the overalled muggles had jumped out, while muggle healers came to meet them. They all jabbered away at each other very fast and then Sirius was wheeled away inside. Remus gripped hold of his suitcase and followed on, chasing them down the hallways - not wanting to let Sirius out of his sight.

But when they reached a big room with a table in the middle of it, they slammed the doors in Remus' face - not allowing him inside. He peered anxiously through the window, watching them transfer Sirius onto the table and then get to work … he saw more red blood trickling out of bags - and into Sirius - and tried not to worry about what it would mean.

It would not matter if Sirius was not magic, he told himself firmly. It would make no difference. After all - all these muggles had turned up from nowhere to save the life of a complete stranger … Meanwhile their own Ministry was hunting them down and planning to throw them in prison - maybe suck out their souls in the process. Muggles were every bit as good as wizards, he thought furiously, and if Sirius couldn't do magic anymore then Remus would just do it for him. 'My mum was a muggle' - he muttered to himself angrily. And he had loved his mum more than anything … it would not matter if Sirius could not do magic.

And it was better by far that Sirius be a muggle and not a werewolf, like him, he decided. Sirius was better by far if he was not broken and contaminated and dirty, the way Remus was. Anything but death was preferable to Sirius becoming like him.

He stared anxiously through the windows - there were all sorts of muggle machines beeping and blinking - and they seemed to tell the muggle healers something because they paid close attention to them.

Eventually, they seemed to fall back - and one of the muggles came to speak with him. 'English?' she said.

He nodded.

'Your friend is stable. We gave him blood…'

Remus gazed through the doors, wondering again what effect that blood would have.

'But his wound is so strange. I have never seen anything like it in twenty years as doctor. How did it happen?'

He stared at her … not knowing what to say. 'It … he … got cut.'

'I have never seen cut like it,' she said simply. 'I do not know how well it will heal. Or if he will have full use of arm. But he will live.'

And Remus breathed a sigh of relief and nodded his thanks. Those last four words were all that mattered in the end.

...

He had sat in the seating area, on a hard plastic chair, drinking a tepid cup of coffee out of a little plastic cup while Sirius was wheeled up to the ward. He went up to see him just as soon as he was allowed to visit.

Sirius was sitting up in bed, looking pale but perfectly cheerful. His arm was strapped up and wrapped in bandages and then held in a sling.

'How are you?' Remus asked, his voice was still shaky.

'Frigging amazing,' Sirius grinned.

'Er - what?'

'They have these painkillers, Moony - they're … they're…' he ran out of words and just grinned. His eyes were glassy. 'I feel like I'm walking on clouds. This is the best I've ever felt. You should ask for some!'

'Well - I - er - I don't think they just hand them out to anybody.'

'Then splinch yourself to get some - it's worth it.'

'I'll give it a miss, thanks.'

'How did we even get here?'

'They brought us here in an ambibibula blum bluss ... a big white van with a blue light on top. It ran straight through all those red lights that stop muggles in their cars, like they weren't even there.'

'I wish I'd seen that.'

'I wish it didn't have to happen.'

'You know I love you, Moony?'

Remus - who had been settling himself down in the visitor's chair - froze. 'I think you're still out of it,' he said stiffly.

Sirius threw his head back onto the pillow and giggled for much longer than was normal. 'I'm completely out of it …it's like I'm flying ... but that doesn't mean I don't love you.'

'Well, we've been friends a long time. We don't really have anyone but each other…'

'Oh, Moony.' He shook his head slowly from side to side and made tutting noises… It went on a bit too long. 'You just don't listen do you? You're just too busy feeling bad about the whole werewolf thing to see what's going on right in front of you…'

Remus looked around in alarm. 'Shh,' he said. 'We're in front of muggles - don't talk about … my furry little problem .'

'Oh - they don't speak English,' he snorted dismissively. 'Anyway - it's not the fur that's the problem.' His voice had become a bouncing singsong and was overly loud.

'Shhh.'

'It's how you feel about it … and how you think everyone else feels about it.'

'I know how everybody else feels about it, thank you.'

'Not me.'

'No - not you.'

'So why aren't you listening to me when I tell you that I love you?'

'Because you're high on some muggle painkiller and don't know what you're saying. You're just talking nonsense - and we'll not mention it when you're yourself again because it will be less embarrassing for both of us.'

'Oh, Moony,' Sirius said again sadly, and then promptly fell asleep - snoring loudly.

...

He didn't wake up again for hours, and Remus was just drifting off to sleep in the visitor's chair (the muggle in charge of the ward had tried to make him leave … he'd confunded her and she'd left him alone) when he heard a voice say 'ow,' very distinctly.

He pried an eye open, 'painkiller wearing off?' he asked. Sirius was now sitting in bed looking sour.

'Ow - yes - ow … I want some more. Or - better yet, let's apparate out of here, take me to a wizard hospital and get me sorted properly. Half my arm is missing - I need to grow it back.'

Remus took a deep breath. 'We can't apparate out of here.'

'If you're worried about me splinching again…'

Remus shook his head. 'It's not that.' He took another breath. 'Do you - do you know how they got you to wake up again?' he asked, hesitantly.

'No - I don't remember anything from lying on the street to waking up here.' He winced as his injured arm twinged with pain. 'Ow.'

'Well - you lost a lot of blood,' Remus said. He was fighting to keep his voice even - calm and neutral … And he was suddenly reminded of the morning he had finally woken up after he had been bitten … Of his father sitting beside his bed, talking to him, explaining what had happened and what it meant … trying not to cry - trying not to let little Remus see how upset and worried he was… What he was feeling now must be something akin to how Lyall Lupin had felt on that Spring morning all those years ago.

'So?'

'Well - muggles don't have blood replenishing potions, you know - they don't have potions at all.'

Sirius looked nonplussed. 'So how did I get new blood?'

'They gave it to you,' he stared down at his hands, examining his nails, not wanting to see the moment Sirius realised what he was saying. 'They already had it - in a bag - like they'd taken it from someone and stored it…'

'That's disgusting!'

'Sirius … Sirius, they gave you muggle blood.'

There was a long silence following this, as Sirius digested what he said - thought about it and worked out why Remus was looking so heavyhearted. The air between them felt heavy and oppressive and Remus still did not dare look up from his hands, he just felt the weight of the silence - of Sirius understanding what he was telling him. And then… 'give me my wand,' Sirius said. His voice had a shake in it, though he was clearly fighting to hide it.

'Sirius -'

'My wand.' He held his hand out.

'It doesn't matter - it doesn't make a difference. What does it matter? These muggles saved your life - what does it matter if you're like them? You should be proud to be like them. What other choice was there? To use my blood? To be like me?'

'Just - give me my wand. Don't make a fuss. Don't make a big deal out of it - and it will hurt less.'

Remus looked up then, recognising his own words from the night of the full moon.

Sirius nodded at him - 'now you know what it feels like to be me, worrying about you. Just give me my wand.'

And reluctantly, Remus handed it over. 'Don't try anything too big.'

'I won't.' He gripped the wand in his hand. 'Aguamenti,' he said. Nothing happened. Remus swallowed, and looked down at his hands again. Sirius gave his wand a shake. 'Aguamenti,' he said more fiercely. A few drops of water dribbled out of the tip.

'Aguamenti' - he yelled so loud this time that the muggle at her little station looked across at them. A short burst of water shot from his wand and then splooshed onto the bedspread.

'Well - that's something,' Remus said encouragingly.

'It was rubbish.'

'No - really, it was fine.'

'Yeah?' He passed his wand across. 'You do it then.'

'Sirius - no…'

'Go on…' he nodded in angry encouragement.

Remus sighed. 'Aguamenti,' he muttered. A clear, blue fountain of water arced through the air and tumbled gracefully to the floor, forming a puddle. He blushed bright red and muttered 'evanesco,' and the puddle dried up.

'See, that's what's supposed to happen,' Sirius said.

'But something happened when you did it too. You produced way more magic than a muggle ever could. If a muggle had tried that, all that would happen is the wand would backfire in their hand and knock them out.'

'Great - I'm a squib.'

'You're not a squib.'

'Well I'm not much of a wizard!'

'You're alive, Sirius. And nothing else matters.'

'Well - you would say that. You can still do magic.'

'You don't have to be able to do magic!' Remus cried in exasperation. 'I can do it all for you. Like my dad did for my mum .. I mean-' he blushed furiously. 'You know what I mean.'

'And what about your transformations? Who's going to look after you then, if I can't?'

'Nobody's been looking after me for years.'

There was a moment of sullen silence and then: 'give me my wand back…'

'Sirius...'

But his hand stretched out again and Remus passed it across with a sigh. Sirius then sat there, his face screwed up in concentration, brandishing the wand and muttering, 'aguamenti,' over and over again.

...

By the time the hospital finally released him, Sirius could manage a short arc of water - not as graceful or as long lasting as the one Remus could produce - but a serviceable attempt.

They walked through the streets of the muggle city they had found themselves in until they found a cafe to stop at for a drink. Sirius' arm was still in a sling. The wound had been cleaned and stitched together - much to both of them's bemusement - but he was still very much missing a large part of his arm. And they planned to get to a wizarding town as fast as they could and find a proper healer ...Maybe the healer could sort out his faulty magic too…

'How is it?' Remus asked.

'Hurts like hell. Remind me not to get splinched again…' And then his face fell - as he remembered he may never be magic enough to apparate again. 'How come we didn't end up in Zacaranivac?' he asked bitterly. 'How did we end up here - wherever here is?'

'It's a muggle town called Zabljak,' Remus told him. He had discovered this and figured more out besides, while Sirius recuperated in the hospital. 'You know how the ink has run on our map? Well… the place we thought was Zacaranivac was actually this place. When I apparated I thought of this location - but the other name. And…'

'I got splinched.'

'You got splinched … sorry.'

Sirius shrugged - and then winced, realising he should not have used his arm. 'I was the one who found this place on the map. If anyone should be sorry - it should be me. But the wizarding town wasn't on there. This was the only place that had a name that came close.'

'No - there's a bit where the paper has flaked away, just the other side of the mountain. I think the wizard town is there.'

'It's on the other side of a mountain?'

'Yes.'

'And we can't apparate there because I'm a squib.'

'You're not a squib.'

'Practically a squib …. So - we walk?'

'We walk.'