Chapter Thirty: Holland and then Home Again

Although it had been a warm day, it did get cold enough - in the middle of the night - that they woke up and reluctantly put their clothes back on. And once it was morning, and they were starving, they apparated to Bonn - where they found a little cafe by the river to have breakfast.

From Bonn they apparated to the border with the Netherlands. And as they travelled north west through the country, they discovered Heinz had been right: the land was very flat, they could see for miles in every direction and the sky was vast. Tension just seemed to drain right out of Sirius, as he looked around the expansive vistas of not much - with not a wall to be seen.

They went slowly through the Netherlands - although they could have apparated from place to place to place in a matter of minutes, every time they touched down they stopped to wander, to lie in the meadows and look at the clouds … to just let Sirius breathe.

There were fields filled with tulips, and wooden windmills, country roads filled with muggles bicycling along them - ringing their bells to tell the boys to get out of their paths. There were quaint little cottages that looked like they should belong to wizards, but really muggles lived there - there were meandering rivers and then there were very very straight canals.

They landed in Amsterdam the next day. Remus squeezed Sirius' hand, 'we don't have to stay,' he said. 'If you'd rather move on…' He looked at the tall, gabled houses squashed side by side - like elongated gingerbread houses looming over them. 'If you want to find somewhere more open.'

Sirius had been staring blankly off into space. He shook himself. 'What? No - it's fine. I want to explore.'

'Well let me know the minute you want to leave … the buildings here do crowd in rather.'

But even in a city, it is possible to find wide open spaces, and they went out to the museum quarter and wandered through the parkland there. They went into the Rijksmuseum and stared bemusedly at the paintings which all stayed frozen in their frames. They went out to the zoo and looked at all the muggle animals and they went on a boat ride along the canals.

Sirius liked the canals here almost as much as he liked the ones in Venice. These ones were cleaner and more contained. They didn't sprawl their way up to the doorsteps of the buildings and spill wildly onto the pavements. But they were still impressive; neat bridges spanned across them and there were streets on either side - though some buildings came very close to the water's edge.

'Why do they all have that?' Sirius asked, pointing upwards to the top of the towering houses - where they each had one double window easily as big as a door - that led out onto thin air. Above the window was a pole sticking out horizontally from the building. The more they looked, the more they saw them - especially on the older buildings.

They got an answer a bit later on, when they saw a barge moored outside a house. A steel rope had been tied to the pole sticking from the house - and a grand piano was being winched from the boat, through the air and up to the large windows under the roof.

'Why are they doing it that way?' Sirius laughed.

An elderly Dutchman, who was also watching the delicate operation, smiled at him, 'inside the house will be too narrow - there will be too many stairs, too many twists and turns. It would not get through the front door and then they could not get it where it was going. This way it is easier - the merchants built their homes this way back in the old days so they could get their wares inside.'

Sirius laughed again. 'God, they think of everything, muggles - don't they?' he said.

'When you don't have magic to make everything easy for you, I suppose you learn to be clever,' Remus smiled.

As the evening drew in, they wandered the cobbled streets hand in hand … and not one person gave them so much as a second glance.

'I don't like that smell,' Remus said, as they walked past a cafe. It was an acrid, tangy and bitter sort of smell . 'It's everywhere.'

'It's coming from his cigarette,' Sirius pointed at a man, who was sitting quietly by himself, puffing on a roll up, his eyes slightly glazed.

'Cigarettes don't normally smell like that. They normally smell horrid - but not like that.'

'No - remember in fourth year, when we learned cheering charms and calming charms - and we found that if you put them both on one person at once the person would go a bit … loopy?'

'Oh yeah…' Remus smiled reminiscently. 'I haven't done that in years.'

'Well I think that cigarette is the muggle version of that - look at his eyes.'

'They really do think of everything.'

They stumbled across the Oude Kerk, with its gables and spire … and stared up at it. A plaque told them it dated from the 13th century - and was not to be confused with the Nieuwe Kerk - which only dated back to a rather paltry 16th century.

Then everything went a bit weird a couple of streets later, when they found heavily curtained windows under neon lights and girls in their underwear sitting behind glass and looking bored. They came to a stop outside a shop window which contained the most eye watering display of things, that they could only begin to imagine what people were supposed to do with them.

'Blimey,' Sirius said, 'you don't get anything like this in Diagon Alley.'

'What … is that? ' Remus asked, tilting his head to one side to see if it made any more sense. He shuddered. 'And please don't tell me - I don't want to know.'

'It's OK - I have no idea…' He whistled. 'I didn't know ... you know - was so complicated. Maybe we're not ready, maybe we should get a manual.'

'I don't think James had a manual. I think he just knew what to do.'

'I thought I knew what to do. I didn't know there were things like … that !' He pointed at the offending item.

Remus laughed. 'I don't think it's necessary. And I don't think it's for beginners. Come on,' he pulled Sirius away from the window, 'before we frighten ourselves.'

They were heartily relieved to get away from the red lights and the … toys ... and wind back up among the normal shops and the flower markets and the cafes. They stopped for something to eat and then went to find a hotel.

While Sirius was peering out of the bedroom window, his nose pressed flat against the glass as if longing to go back outside, Remus lay down on the bed, closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't said anything, but the next full moon was fast approaching and his bones were beginning to ache.

...

They left Amsterdam first thing in the morning and - not quite believing, after all this time, that this was really happening - they apparated into Norfolk. As Remus felt his feet touch English soil, and he looked around at the flat fens of East Anglia, he just sank to the ground and began to laugh - and he wasn't sure why, or when he would stop. 'I didn't think we'd ever get here,' he gasped between his wheezes, 'I didn't really believe we could ever get back, get home.'

They found their way to a small muggle town, and into a greasy spoon cafe - where they ordered copious cups of tea and bacon sandwiches. 'God I love England,' Sirius mumbled through a mouthful of sandwich, 'god I love the food.'

'There's no place like home,' Remus said - remembering something his mother used to say.

'And that's the truth!' He took another hearty bite of sandwich and then immediately swilled it down with a mouthful of tea. 'God - we lost our teabags a long time ago.'

'Do you know what day it is?' Remus asked.

'No - Tuesday? No…'

'I mean date … it's the 30th of July. It's Harry's birthday tomorrow.'

'We should have got him something - in Amsterdam.'

'There was nothing in Amsterdam that would have been appropriate for you to buy your godson.' He remembered the window display and blushed - and he caught Sirius' eye and knew he was thinking of the same thing.

'Well - we'll get him something here then. You know, we're not far. A hundred miles or so … we could go visit him.'

But Remus shook his head. 'Too risky, we're back home now - where we literally are the two most wanted wizards. We need to lie low and … it's the full moon in four days.'

'Oh…' Sirius chewed more slowly, swallowed and then wiped his mouth with a napkin. 'Sorry - I hadn't realised. That was selfish of me.'

'Don't be soft! I only know because I can feel it in every cell in my body. But it means we need to find somewhere out of the way - hunker down - and see out the moon. And then we can go onto Little Hangleton.'

When they had finished their breakfast - and had seven cups of tea each - Sirius got up as if to go to the bathroom, "borrowed" a purse that was hanging from a lady's chair, and when he came back out of the men's - he paid up the bill with his geminoed muggle money and they left.

They went into a newsagents and bought a birthday card and a large block of muggle chocolate and then apparated away to Foxley Wood - finding the most isolated spot they could to settle down and set up their protection and muggle repelling charms. They would visit nearby towns when they needed food - or to scrounge a newspaper - but this would be their base until the moon began to wane.

Sirius ripped the cellophane off the birthday card, Remus handed him the muggle quill he had stolen from the hotel in Amsterdam, and he began to write.

Dear Harry,

Happy Birthday!

Sorry the present is a bit rubbish - events have overtaken us and we only just realised what day it was. We're still free, we're still safe - it's nearly a full moon so we're having to rest for now, but it really is almost over. We should have cleared our names in no time - and then we can see you again. Don't let the muggles get you down - and once we're free men again you can come and stay with us for the rest of the summer.

Stay out of trouble!

Sirius and Remus.

Sirius then spent ten minutes trying to coax an owl down from a nearby tree, before tying on the card and present and sending it off to Little Whinging. Then he looked at Remus, noted the dark circles under his eyes, conjured them up a mattress and helped him lie down, wrapping his arms around him and holding him while he slept.

...

It was mid afternoon when Remus awoke, though he still felt exhausted - and he ached all over. Sirius' arms were still wrapped around him though, and he was stroking his hair absentmindedly. His eyes were looking haunted once more.

'You're brooding again,' Remus said, sleepily.

'Oh - you're awake,' he gave him a swift kiss. 'I was just … I'm OK.'

'Does it bother you being here? With nothing to do? The boredom?'

But Sirius only squeezed him tighter, 'I could never be bored when I'm with you. No… I'm just thinking how close we are to the end - and how I can't bear it if it goes wrong.'

'It won't go wrong - we'll be careful, we'll prepare.'

'To fail after all this…'

'We won't fail. The singing murder bint said we could stop Voldemort from rising - and we will.' He closed his eyes again. 'I hate it this close to the moon.'

He felt Sirius' lips press against his own, 'I hate it for you… I was thinking I should go out and find us something to eat.'

Remus opened his eyes again. 'I'll come with you.'

'No - rest.'

'How can I rest when I'm terrified you'll get caught?'

'I won't get caught - I'll go to one of those muggle supermarkets and buy us enough stuff to last until after the moon. Maybe some spare clothes... So we won't have to leave again.'

'Alright - but hang on.' He took out his wand and pointed it at Sirius, transfiguring him into the blonde haired, wide nosed, freckled version of himself that he had used as a disguise back in Montenegro. 'Now no one will know it's you … come back quickly.'

'I will.' And with one last kiss he was gone, and Remus went back to sleep - cold, now that he did not have Sirius' arms to keep him warm.

...

True to his word, Sirius returned in under an hour. He held a bulging plastic bag in one hand and a whole pile of newspapers in the other. 'I took a chance and went looking for a wizarding house,' he told Remus. 'I thought Agatha Timms eel farm might be around here somewhere, and I was right!'

'That was really dangerous.'

'Not looking like this it wasn't - speaking of…'

Remus waved his wand and put him back to normal.

'Thanks. Anyway - her farm was all shut up. No one around. But there were days and days worth of the paper piling up on her doorstep. So I took 'em - thought it was best if we knew what they were saying about us.'

They lit a fire, made a cup of tea, took a pack of biscuits out of the carrier bag for dunking and set to reading the papers.

'They still think we're in the Balkans,' Sirius said at last. 'Completely lost all trace of us - that's good. This is the last place they'll think to look, right under their noses.'

'Yes - there was a piece from two days ago saying they were extending the search into Greece.'

Sirius snorted, 'totally the wrong direction.'

'But apart from that - there isn't much interest in us. The quidditch world cup is on,' he lifted the paper showing the headlines that detailed England's disastrous defeat to Transylvania. 'That seems to be all anyone is talking about.'

'And should be keeping the Ministry nice and busy. Organising something of that size, they can't have much in the way of manpower left to look for us.'

'No - it's probably just the Ministry Hag now. She won't ever give up.'

'Well, she's hot for you… not that I blame her.'

Remus hit him.

'Ow.'

The evening drew in, they conjured bowls and spoons and used magic to heat the tins of soup Sirius had bought and then settled down to do the Daily Prophet crossword together.

...

A couple of days later, as Remus drifted in and out of consciousness, he became aware that Sirius was alert and at the very edge of their protection charms, peering out.

He tensed up, 'what is it?'

'I think … I think Hedwig's trying to find us. There's a snowy owl circling our protection charms and looking increasingly put out.'

Remus smiled sleepily, 'good to know the charms work - go and get her then, she'll not find us by herself.'

Sirius stepped beyond the invisible wall of their protection charms, they rippled for a moment - and then a moment later, he stepped back inside with Hedwig on his arm. Hedwig fluttered down to the ground, hooting, and held her leg out to have the letter taken. Sirius untied it while Remus stroked her head fondly.

Dear Sirius and Remus

Thanks for the card and present. I wasn't expecting one what with everything that's going on and everything - but the chocolate is a life saver. The school nurse at Dudley's (he's my cousin) school has insisted he go on a diet - and Aunt Petunia is making us all follow it. She's given me nothing but grapefruit and lettuce for weeks now! Mrs. Weasley sent me a food parcel at the beginning of the summer, but it's getting increasingly stale.

I won't ask where you are - and I know telling you to be careful is almost entirely redundant because neither of you ever seem to be, but the newspapers (when they report on you) are saying very strange things.

They say you're in Greece - I hope it's nice there, though I don't know how long it will take Hedwig to reach you. And they're reporting you killed a Ministry witch - in a really horrible way. They say it's likely Remus did it, as you're a squib now, Sirius! (what on earth is going on?) And that he tried to kill another Ministry witch while she was peacefully interrogating a strange man who may have been a witness to the first murder.

Sirius broke off reading and gave a dark laugh. 'Oh, yes - I'm sure he was a witness to the first murder … I told you you shouldn't have saved the Ministry Hag's life, Moony. She's actually holding it against you.'

'It seemed like the right thing to do at the time,' Remus said placidly.

'You're an idiot. A hopeless idiot who is too good for this world.' He gave Remus a quick kiss before he continued reading.

Obviously I know Remus isn't going around attacking Ministry witches - and so do Ron and Hermione - but the news about you just keeps getting weirder and weirder, and Ron says even Fred, George and Ginny are getting a bit confused as to why Professor Lupin has started murdering people. Percy supports the Ministry one hundred percent apparently. He has started working there.

Sirius frowned. 'Who on earth are all these people?'

'Ron's sister and his older brothers,' Remus laughed. 'There are a lot of Weasley children. They're nice kids but … Percy is a bit of a stickler. He was the head boy - he takes rules very seriously.'

'Yeah - it sucks the joy out of everyone. Even James started taking rules seriously once he was head boy.'

'At least you still had me to get in trouble with.'

Sirius laughed again and lay down next to him, taking his hand, 'yeah - at least you never abandoned me.' He held the letter up so he could read it from his new position.

Anyway - I know there's no point saying it but: stay safe. I should tell you to stay out of trouble only … it's a bit late for that. I hope the full moon isn't too bad for Remus and he feels better soon.

Don't get caught! I can't wait to come and stay with you - I can't wait to stay anywhere where they don't make me eat grapefruit.

Harry.

'You're going to buy a whole load of grapefruits before he comes to stay with us - aren't you?' Remus said.

'Yes.'

'You're a horrible person.'

'I know.'

They laughed, gave Hedwig a biscuit as a thank you, sent her back to Harry and then settled down to do another crossword.

...

It started to feel, to Remus, like he was dreading the moon and yet at the same time it couldn't come quickly enough. His muscles ached, his head ached, he was constantly tired and his bones felt like they were on fire… and though Sirius tried his best to hide it, he was chafing at being trapped under the protection charms - even if they were outdoors. As much as Remus never ever wanted it to be the full moon - he also desperately wanted it to be over.

Eventually, the day itself arrived - and Remus slept for most of it. When he finally drifted into consciousness, it was to find Sirius standing at the perimeter of their protection charms, waving his wand around and muttering.

'What are you doing?'

'Just beefing these up for tonight. I made them so people couldn't get into us. I'm now making them so you can't get out to them.'

'Thank you.'

Sirius paused - and it felt awkward. 'Er - will you want a cage again?' he asked, his voice sounding uncomfortable.

'It's probably safest. But…' he frowned, realising something. 'Will you be OK? - I know you don't like bars. I don't want to upset you.'

'But you don't want to kill anyone even more. I'll be OK. It'll be you inside them - not me. And … I'll be in control of them. It's not so bad when I'm in control. It's being trapped and having no way out…' His eyes looked haunted for a moment - but he shook it off and forced a smile.

He finished up, made them some lunch and then they spent the afternoon resting together. At 7pm they decided it was time to start the preparations - sunset was not until half past 8, but they did not want to take any chances.

Sirius transfigured the mattress so it was two separate ones and dragged them apart. 'Ready?' he asked.

'As I'll ever be.'

'Decipulatem.' And with the flick of his wand the iron bars began to shoot through the earth again, enclosing Remus inside a cage. Once it was finished, they both checked the bars to make sure it was sturdy.

Then, blushing once again (and wondering when it was he would get used to this), Remus stripped off his clothes and handed them through to Sirius. Then he lay on his mattress, and Sirius lay on his, and they held hands and faced each other through the bars.

'Are you sure you're alright?' Remus asked him.

Sirius snorted. 'You're the one locked in a cage waiting to go through an extremely painful transformation.'

'Yes I am - and yet it is you I am worrying about.'

'Well you shouldn't. Don't you hate this, Moony - for your own sake?'

'Yes - but I hate everything about being a werewolf. I hate being a werewolf. I hate the cage - but it's a symptom, not the disease. I hate the Shrieking Shack just as much. And I hate my house when I have to barricade myself inside. I hate what it all means. I hate how dangerous I am and that I have to do this at all. But I hate all the places I've ever been chained up equally.'

Sirius furrowed his brow. 'But you've never been literally chained up.'

'Yes I have - long ago…' He smiled at Sirius's look of outrage. 'It was when I was younger and there was no real choice. When I was first bitten - when I was very small - it was enough for my dad to just enchant my bedroom door and window. That would contain me. But as I got bigger … that wasn't safe anymore. That was when we moved to the house near Wales - and it had a cellar. I used to transform down there and my dad would attach a shackle to my ankle and chain me to the wall.'

Sirius made a growling sound in the back of his throat, his face was looking thunderous.

'There wasn't much choice! I wasn't properly separated from humans - the wolf could smell them, and the smell drove it into a frenzy. But my parents could hardly leave me overnight when I was that young. They had to stay - so I had to be restrained. That was from about the age of 9. And then in the summer holidays - after second year - I woke up one morning to find myself pulled free from the wall. The shackle was still around my ankle - but I was on the other side of the room… The next time I spent a full moon at home, my dad had put a cage in the cellar. Like this one.'

'I'm sorry. I had no idea.'

'I was always too embarrassed to mention it - when we were young. When it was happening. It was just easier to pretend it wasn't happening. None of you ever thought to ask about my transformations at home … and so I never told you.'

'We should have thought to ask. It was so thoughtless of us not to ask - you must have thought we didn't care.'

But Remus only smiled again. 'I'm glad you didn't ask. I would have hated to have to tell you. I would have been so ashamed. I would have probably lied anyway…'

'So why are you telling me now?'

He squeezed his hand. 'I have nothing to hide from you now.' He glanced down at himself, 'literally,' - his lips twitched into another smile.

'So is that it? No more horrible secrets you've never dared admit before?'

Remus hesitated. Sirius saw. 'What?' he demanded.

'Well - you must promise not to get upset.'

'Oh great - I'm going to get upset.'

'It absolutely wasn't your fault. I never blamed you - even before I knew you were innocent.'

'Blamed me for what?' Sirius demanded, his voice was sharp and his eyes were narrow.

'Alright,' he sighed. 'After James and Lily died - and you had been arrested … the Ministry - well … they arrested me too.'

'What?' He sat straight up and stared around angrily, as if planning on going straight down to the Ministry and starting tearing people limb from limb.

'Lie back down.'

'What happened?'

'Lie down and I'll tell you.'

Muttering darkly beneath his breath, Sirius lay back down and held Remus' hand again.

'You know I'd been with the wolf packs - living rough - barely in contact with anyone?'

'Ungrateful bastards,' Sirius muttered to himself.

Remus smiled again. 'Yes - I thought so too. Well, the news came in - what had happened, it took a day or two to reach me so deep underground.' He made it sound like he didn't remember exactly … as if 3:07 pm on the 3rd of November was not engraved eternally on his heart. 'I didn't want to believe any of it. I'd have happily taken another ten years of war for it to not be true. But if the war was over, my assignment was done - and I headed home, thinking I would contact Dumbledore and beg him to tell me none of it was real… But they were waiting when I got there. The Ministry. Well - I suppose you can imagine how it looked to them. You a crazed, mass murdering Death Eater and me your werewolf best friend … guilt by association... and species.'

'I cannot imagine.'

'Of course you can. Everyone would have thought the same. I'd just come back from living with Fenrir Greyback! I didn't stand a chance. They kept me in the Ministry dungeons for a few days - interrogated me every so often…'

'Why did they let you go in the end?'

'Dumbledore came for me.'

'So he should.'

Remus laughed. 'Well - that's everything. Now you know everything.'

Sirius' expression became softer. He reached through the bars to stroke Remus' face. 'When I'm ready - I will tell you about Azkaban.'

'I know you will.' He looked up at the sky. 'You should change into Padfoot - it will be soon.'

With a last embrace through the bars, Sirius got to his feet, backed away and transformed … and a few minutes later Remus' body seized up and he was taken by the wolf.

...

He woke up again when the sun rose. The bars were gone, the mattress was one big one again and he and Sirius were curled up on it together. 'Thanks, Padfoot,' he murmured, before falling back asleep.