Chapter Thirty Four: Unburdening

'Remus - Remus,' Sirius' voice was sharp and worried - but Remus was still too numb to really hear or understand. He was vaguely aware of Sirius getting to his feet - of limping over to him - and then strong arms were wrapped around him. 'Let me see, Remus - let me see… oh God!'

'I had to do it,' he said vaguely - his eyes still glued on his palms. The skin had bubbled and melted; it was red raw and bleeding, and huge, pulsing blisters stretched across the pads and heels of his hands, where they had borne the brunt of the silver. 'I didn't have a choice - I had to…'

'I know you did. You saved us.'

'We should …' He felt his mind whirring - the pain was making it difficult to think... and the shock. It was like his brain was fighting its way through a thick and freezing fog. 'We should call the Ministry … we should tell them what we did.'

'No.' The arms gripped him tighter. 'I don't trust them - they'll probably vanish the evidence, let Peter go and arrest the pair of us rather than admit they were wrong. The Ministry Hag will have us in Azkaban before you know it.'

'We can't just … stay here…'

'Dumbledore. I'll get Dumbledore. He can talk to the Ministry for us. Hold on.'

Remus felt himself be held tighter again for a brief moment, he felt Sirius' lips press to the side of his brow … and then there was empty air where Sirius had been. He managed to tear his eyes away from his ruined hands long enough to locate him - standing near the window. Something silver exploded out of the end of Sirius' wand and vanished into the night. And then arms were wrapped around Remus again.

'He should be here soon … just hold on.'

Remus nodded vaguely, leaned against Sirius and kept staring at his hands - as if he didn't quite understand what had happened to them. The pain crashed across him in waves, sometimes unbearable … sometimes receding slightly - ebbing and flowing like the tide. 'It hurts,' he said and he felt the arms tighten and the lips press against his skin again.

'I know, we'll fix it. Just hold on.'

Peter began to stir - he gave a groggy moan and then came the sounds of a feeble struggling against his bonds.

'Hold on a minute,' and Sirius had left him again. He stood above Peter - and Remus tore his eyes from his hands to look, and saw the expression of disgust and rage on Sirius' face. His wand was pointed at the prone man. 'Stupefy.'

There was a yelp, Peter went still again, and once more Remus was wrapped up in Sirius' arms. He leaned against him heavily, and closed his eyes as a wave of nausea passed over him. 'You didn't kill him,' he said.

'No - he's more useful to us alive. I want him to testify. I want him in Azkaban.'

'Is that all it is?'

'What else could it be?'

He inhaled sharply, as his hands gave another great twinge of pain. 'I don't think you can kill him. I'm the one that kills things for us … kills men.'

He felt the lips press against him again. 'Well, you're stronger than me.'

'Is that what it is?'

'Yes.'

'I … don't think that's what it is. Voldemort said…'

'Don't listen to what Voldemort said. He lost. He's gone. He's nothing. You defeated him.'

'We defeated him.'

'You did all the work … and paid the price.' His voice sounded immeasurably sad as he said that.

Remus kept his eyes closed, and concentrated on his breathing - concentrated on staving off the worst of the pain in his hands by willpower alone. He was not sure how long he sat there, cradled in Sirius' arms and trying not to think about the pain. But eventually they heard a noise from downstairs; the click of a lock and the front door pushing open - it's long stilled hinges screeching in agony.

Then came the sounds of footsteps down in the hallway - and a familiar voice called: 'Sirius?'

'We're up here,' Sirius called out, his voice sounded strangely croaky. 'Dumbledore - we're up here.'

The footsteps grew louder as they climbed the stairs and then made their way down the passage - and then Albus Dumbledore himself was standing in the doorway, the tip of his pointed hat brushing the frame and his gold rimmed spectacles shining in the firelight.

'Did you bring it?' Sirius asked anxiously. Remus did not know what he meant.

'I did.' Dumbledore crossed the room and then crouched down in front of Remus … Remus wondered for a moment what this all looked like to Dumbledore, him held in Sirius' arms this way … he wondered what the old headmaster was thinking.

But if he thought anything of it - he didn't let it show. 'Let me see, Remus,' he said quietly. 'Your hands.'

Remus held them out - and Dumbledore's eyes grew dim, and sad. 'You have been very brave,' he said, 'to have withstood this amount of pain.'

'But you brought it though?' Sirius' voice was anxious, 'you can fix him?'

'I can help.' He reached into the capacious sleeves of his robes and pulled out a small, glass bottle. He pulled out the stopper. 'Dittany,' he said simply - and then dripped three drops into each of Remus' palms.

Remus' skin smoked again - and he hissed in pain, but before his very eyes the skin started to heal over and grow fresh. The blisters popped and then melted away … and within moments, although his hands were still red and stinging and sore, they were whole again. He gasped and flexed them, and then shook himself. 'Thank you - that is much better.'

'You're sure you're alright?' Sirius asked him - his voice still had that anxious tone to it … and the way he was looking at him, for a moment, Remus thought Sirius was going to kiss him right in front of Dumbledore.

'I'm fine,' he said, 'I'll be fine.' He struggled to get back to his feet, Sirius helped him up … and for the first time, Remus saw all the damage they had done in the room.

Dumbledore stood up beside them - and he too surveyed what they had done. His face seemed unusually grave. 'You have averted what could have been a terrible future, tonight,' he said. 'Our whole world will be indebted to you. You have both been very brave - shown unusual courage.'

'Will that be enough to clear our names?' Sirius asked him. His voice was unusually sharp, even for Sirius - and he sounded agitated.

'There should be evidence enough here that even the most corrupt Ministry official should blush to look the other way … though I do not blame either of you for not placing your trust and your lives directly in their hands.'

'You'll speak to them - on our behalf?'

'I will - but first … I must understand.' He crossed to the armchair - to where the withered, infantile body of Lord Voldemort still lay skewered with the sword of Gryffindor. He peered down at it - his long nose barely an inch from the flayed skin. Although his expression did not wrinkle and betray any disgust, there was a hard gleam in his normally twinkling eyes that spoke something of what he was feeling.

'This is the body you saw Pettigrew fashion for him in the forest in Albania?'

'Yes - it was that spell that knocked out the Ministry officials,' Remus said. He was clutching his left hand in his right. 'It formed the Dark Mark in the sky .. and a few moments later, Peter appeared in front of us with Voldemort in his arms.'

'He used a potion -' Sirius offered. 'It used plockweed and snake venom. The snake is upstairs.'

Dumbledore turned to look at them in surprise.

'We already killed her,' Sirius explained, 'before we came after Voldemort. I used the sword of Gryffindor on her … curses weren't working.'

'They weren't?' This seemed to interest him.

'No - they bounced off her skin and rebounded around the room. And when she died all this black smoke came out of her.'

'Hmmm,' Dumbledore raised a finger and prodded the wasted, little body lying still in the chair.

'The same black smoke came out of Voldemort when I ... killed him,' Remus said.

Dumbledore straightened up and turned to look at him. 'You did not kill Lord Voldemort, Remus. Voldemort has travelled far enough down a dark path that means he cannot be killed. All you did was destroy his container - he has returned to the state he was in before Pettigrew found him, the state he has been in since the night James and Lily died. No doubt, he is returning to Albania as we speak.'

'Just as long as we don't have to go all the way back there to stop him again…' Sirius muttered.

Dumbledore smiled. 'I am sure that will not prove necessary … although there is still work to be done.'

'You mean talking to the Ministry?' Sirius sounded worried again.

'For starters. Now tell me all that has transpired.'

And so between them they told the story of how they had travelled all the way out to the Albanian forest, how they had only been a matter of hours behind Peter by the time they got there. Shamefaced, Remus admitted to the meeting with Bertha Jorkins - and how he had got rid of her in order to protect themselves. They explained how they had seen Peter in the clearing hunting for Plockweed - talking to Voldemort - how they had followed him through the forest and taken him prisoner, only for Voldemort to show up and cause the moon to grow full - and Remus to transform.

They explained that they had lost sight of them that night, as Sirius had been forced to chase down Remus and keep him calm and safe - and how they had gone straight back to hunting once Remus was human again. (They did not mention what else had happened that morning … it was not, after all, crucial to the tale.)

They told how they had come across Peter brewing the potion that would restore Voldemort to a form of body and backed away to form a plan … only to stumble across poor Bertha Jorkins's mutilated body. 'I shouldn't have sent her away,' Remus said.

'You could not have known,' Dumbledore assured him. 'The guilt does not lie with you.'

They explained how the Ministry had turned up just at that moment and arrested them, only to spot poor Bertha and accuse them of her murder as well. And then the potion had exploded, the Dark Mark had risen in the sky and half the Ministry officials had been knocked out. Peter had approached them with Voldemort, and Voldemort had killed the others - just in time for Madam Umbridge to wake up and lay yet more deaths at the feet of the boys.

'Voldemort tried to kill her,' Sirius said, 'the Ministry Hag - only Remus saw fit to save her life.' He rolled his eyes. 'Not that she thanked him, she yelled so hard he had to stupefy her … and then Voldemort and Peter left. The Ministry officials woke up - and we apparated away.'

'And then we travelled back home,' Remus said. ' - We knew they would return to England and we knew we could get here first because Peter could not apparate with … that ,' … he gestured at Voldemort's remains, 'and the snake.'

'But we weren't sure what he would do or where he would go - so we stopped off at Nurmengard.'

Dumbledore's lips twitched. 'You know, I did wonder why I got an irate letter from the chief prison officer demanding to know why my potions master had seen fit to break into his prison. Am I to take it then, it was not my potions master they encountered, but my defence against the dark arts teacher instead?'

'Well I couldn't give my name - I was being hunted… Snape's was the first name I thought of.'

'Poor Severus - and what was it you hoped to achieve by breaking into Nurmengard and impersonating Professor Snape?' His eyes were twinkling with amusement.

'We wanted to speak to Grindelwald,' Sirius said.

The light died in Dumbledore's eyes. 'I see - and did ... he provide useful information?'

'He told us he knew of a spell Voldemort would need to get his body back. That his soul was only a fragment and right now he was in a form fitting of a fragment - weak and helpless - but with the bones of his father he could be made whole again. So then we knew we needed to find his father. And we found out where his father was when he encountered a siren who offered to answer three questions for us to help us on our quest.'

'I'm surprised she did not simply seduce you and eat your skin.'

Remus felt himself blush … but Sirius seemed unperturbed. 'She was impressed we had the sword of Gryffindor - said we must be worthy heroes.'

'Yes…' he turned back to inspect the sword. 'How did you get this? I noticed it had vanished from my office of course. The last person to present it to me was none other than your Godson, Sirius, after it had presented itself to him in the Chamber of Secrets - and he used it to kill a basilisk. How did you get it?'

They explained about the wild hunt - and the silver treasure trove, and the goblin enchanted treasures.

'And then we came here and waited,' Remus finished up. 'We spoke to the man who looks after the house - a muggle who has a cottage in the grounds. He came and got us when he saw the fire and we …' he gestured around the room.

'I will say it again - you boys have shown great bravery. Great courage. And the wizarding world will be indebted to you.'

'As long as you can make them listen,' Sirius said.

Dumbledore looked grave. 'I will take the sword, and the body of Voldemort - no doubt the Department of Mysteries will be able to run tests on it - verify it once contained what is left of his soul. There is the snake … and of course, there is Pettigrew. He will be made to testify - the truth will be forced from him. I trust his story will tally with your own, his version of it of course. Once I have the Ministry convinced, I will send word to you - have you brought in to give your own testimony of events - as you have just told me.'

'You'll not send for us until you are sure we won't be arrested?' Sirius said sharply.

'I will not.'

'Are you sure you can get them to listen?'

'I hope I can. I shall take Peter unconscious, and suggest they administer veritaserum to him before he is awake and aware.'

'We'll take it too,' Sirius said.

But Dumbledore only smiled. 'A conscious wizard - and certainly ones of your power - can easily defy veritaserum when they know they have taken it. There is enough here that your word should be enough by itself. Now - why don't you two return to your lodgings - and I will send for you when I am ready.'

Sirius looked grave - and then nodded and turned to leave.

'Wait!' Remus grabbed him … though it stung his hands to do so - and stopped him from walking out. 'Sirius - the message. Grindelwald's message - you must deliver it to Dumbledore. You promised.'

'Oh - yeah - Dumbledore…'

But Dumbledore raised a hand to stop him. His face seemed unusually drawn all of a sudden, the deep lines of age suddenly very visible in the fire light. And his eyes held none of their usual twinkle - but also none of the hard gleam that had shone in them when he had examined what was left of Voldemort. Instead, they looked dim and misty - and in pain. 'I have no wish to hear whatever it is that Gellert has to say. That was a lifetime ago and I do not dwell on things that cannot be changed.'

'But you have to listen!' Remus cried out, 'Grindelwald made Sirius take the unbreakable vow, he has to tell you.'

Dumbledore looked at Sirius - and his eyes were sad, and disappointed now. 'Why did you do that?'

'We needed information from him - in order to be able to do what we have done tonight. It was the trade - and it was worth it. He could have asked something far more dangerous of me.'

'He has no wish to put you in harm's way. He just wishes to hurt me. All these years and I see he hasn't changed - he saw his chance to manipulate a situation and he seized it. Very well, Sirius, for you own good - tell me what Gellert has to say.'

'He says … he says he remembers everything. Every moment- he remembers them all. And he knows you remember them too - because he can still feel you. In his heart. He says he has not much time left - his quest is almost over and he is no…' he wrinkled his brow as he tried to remember the exact phrase, 'master of death. He says if he could have his time again he would do things differently - and he hopes you know that. He asked me to beg for your forgiveness on his behalf.'

There was a long pause when Sirius finished speaking, a silence that no one seemed inclined to break - and Remus watched Dumbledore carefully. The old man had tears in his eyes … Remus did not think he had ever seen Dumbledore with tears in his eyes before … not even through the war, and all their monstrous losses. But this message was somehow cutting deeper into him than all the waste and the grief they had lived through.

Eventually he cleared his throat. 'Hmm, yes - well - as I said, ever ready to manipulate a situation. Thank you for passing that along, Sirius - you are now unburdened of the vow at least. Grindelwald has no more hold over you.'

'Are - are you alright, Dumbledore?' Remus asked, still watching the old man's expression carefully.

But Dumbledore gave himself a shake, and smiled. The twinkle came back into his eyes. 'Of course I am, Remus - now - the pair of you, head home, I will send for you when I am ready for you.'

Sirius reached out to take Remus' hand … but Remus shook his head, he held his hand open to show his palms were still red and stinging - glad to have that excuse … He cast an awkward glance at Dumbledore, over his shoulder. Dumbledore appeared engrossed in examining Voldemort's remains … but Remus had the feeling he had seen - and had been watching them just a fraction of a second before.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus instead … and after the cruciatus curse and the silver, he wasn't sorry to be able to lean on Sirius, even if he was a little embarrassed. 'We shouldn't have done that - what will Dumbledore think?' he said, as they left the house.

'No doubt Dumbledore is jealous that I turned out to be innocent and you got me back after just 12 years … whereas he and Grindelwald have been apart their whole lives.'

'What?'

'Dumbledore and Grindelwald - they're like us … it's obvious.'

'Dumbledore?' He couldn't believe it.

'I knew we couldn't be the only ones…' Though he did not seem pleased about this discovery, the way he had whenever they had seen other couples like them in Europe. He sounded distracted … moody. He was staring off into the distance, his eyes were haunted and it seemed he could not care less about Dumbledore and Grindelwald … something was troubling him.

...

The door to the pub was locked by the time they got back - it was past midnight, the first few hours of a new day … of a new world. They used magic to let themselves inside - though Sirius lingered, taking a few deep breaths before he followed Remus in - and went up to their room.

'I'll put the kettle on,' Remus said.

The door slammed behind him, he turned to look - and saw the way Sirius' eyes were dim and deadened, his expression was grim.

'What's wrong? We've won - it's over.'

Sirius crossed to the window - opened it up and peered out. 'It's not over. We haven't won until we're free.'

'But that's just a matter of time. Dumbledore said…'

'Dumbledore said he hoped it would be enough. He said he would try.'

'But -'

'Don't you see?' His face had suddenly become a mask of anguish, his whole body was tense - and he turned from the window and started to pace. Being in enclosed spaces had been agitating him for weeks now … but tonight the walls seemed to be pressing unusually close. 'Even Dumbledore doesn't know that the Ministry will care about the truth - that he can make them listen. They didn't listen two months ago - they didn't want to know.'

'But now there's proof. They have Peter.'

'They can hide Peter away somewhere.'

'Why would they?'

'Because if they don't they will have to admit they were wrong! All these years - they sent me to Azkaban without trial, Remus…'

'I know.'

'They didn't let me speak, didn't let me defend myself - just locked me up and threw away the key. When I broke out, they sentenced me to the dementor's kiss - they would have taken my soul if it hadn't been for Harry. How can they tell the whole world they got it so wrong? Don't you get it? If they can treat me that way - that unfairly - then they can do it to anyone. And if they admit it publicly, people will realise it. They will realise they can't trust their government. Don't you see - how much easier it is to use us as scapegoats and maintain the trust of the public? A great, shining victory for the Ministry - mass murderer Sirius Black and his werewolf in prison at last - you can sleep safe in your bed, folks - the monsters are caught. They will say … they will say it's for the greater good …'

Remus shook his head, 'you're being paranoid.'

Sirius only snorted. He was still pacing - up and down - right to one wall, and then turning and heading for the next - up and down, like a caged tiger. 'Am I?'

'Dumbledore won't let anything happen to us … if they won't listen, he'll send word, tell us to run…' He swallowed. He wanted to believe that … but Sirius' fear was palpable and starting to infect him.

'And then what? More of this - forever - hiding out, always looking over our shoulders, never knowing if today is our last day as free men, our last day together?… Remus… I can't … I can't go back. Not to Azkaban. If they take me ...' he shook his head … 'I'll die. Or I'll go mad - I'll go mad this time.'

'Sirius -'

He pushed his hair back from his face, his actions were frantic and yet - when he spoke - his voice had become oddly blank. 'My cell was twelve paces by seven,' he said. 'There were 104 stones in the wall to the left of my door. 76 on the one with the window, 108 on the next wall and 68 around the door. It took five seconds for my door to close.' He recited all this with almost no emotion - as if he was closing in on himself… as if it hurt too much to feel, so he was simply stopping himself from feeling. 'The reverberation of it slamming would last a further three. I was in there for 4285 days…'

Remus sank onto the bed, his mouth hanging open. He was glad Sirius was finally opening up - but the blankness of his eyes and the monotone of his voice made it seem more like he was shutting down. And the things he had to say - Remus was half afraid of the things Sirius had to say, of what he was about to hear. That amount of time alone … the boredom … the misery ... he couldn't begin to imagine. He couldn't take his eyes off Sirius - he tracked him as he paced up and down the room.

'I counted … I marked them all off, by the end it took me hours to count - but that did not matter, there was literally nothing else for me to do in there. Well … sometimes I would write to you, in my head. I'd tell you what I was doing, how many marks - I'd tell you how sorry I was … and there were things I couldn't bear to tell you, couldn't bear to think about. I couldn't remember your face by the end. I could not remember our lives together - the three of us … the full moons. The dementors would take them all - and I learned early on not to think about them. That was the only way I could stop myself from going mad - not letting myself remember better times… But I could remember how much I missed you. The pain of losing you - that hurt so much the dementors would not take it. And I held onto it as the only way to hold onto you.'

He took a deep breath, and ran his hands through his hair again - leaving it standing up on end, all wild. 'It's grey in Azkaban. Everything. The walls - the sea - the sky - the air. There isn't a hint of colour, not a breath of wind. Nothing lives there, nothing grows. It is a place of death and decay. Stale. Still. Being there is … it's like being trapped in a sepia photograph. The whole world carries on without you and there you are, stuck inside these four borders - unable to move, or think and everything is … grey.'

Remus was very aware of his heart beating in his chest. He was barely breathing and completely still …. Staying quiet as he allowed Sirius to talk uninterrupted, letting him unburden himself of everything he had been holding inside all this time.

'My eyes used to go all scratchy from staring. There was nothing to look at - nothing to see - and so I would stare at the wall … and count. All day I would count. And day by day, year by year - I got weaker. There was never enough to eat - and I couldn't move, couldn't even stand up to my full height in my cell. I just felt myself waste away. I used to think if I just stayed still for long enough then I would sink into the walls or the floor, go grey, turn to stone … become a part of the prison itself. The dementors were the least of it. I knew how to guard against them … but the boredom, and the misery and the way my muscles would scream because I needed to stretch and I couldn't. It was cold too - the sort of cold that gets into your soul and stays there.'

He came to a stop for a moment - and peered out of the window again, taking a deep breath - as if breathing in the summer air while he still could. As if he was savouring the warmth while he could still feel it. 'The dementors were forever outside my door. Oh - I could withstand them most of the time. I knew I was innocent and I could become a dog. They could not break me completely … but when they got too close then I would hear…'

He bit his lip and began to pace again . 'I would hear you . That night - with Snape. When he found out about you. God, your howls that night, Moony - having been that close to a human. We heard them all the way up at the castle. You were … it was like nothing I'd ever heard - you were in so much pain, doing so much damage to yourself … and I knew it was all my fault. And when the dementors got too close that was what I heard - you. And I knew I was only where I was because I had betrayed you. Because I thought you were the spy … just like I betrayed you that night. You can't know what it's like - to love someone as much as I love you and to keep on betraying them. Keep on hurting them. But I had to hear my betrayal of you - every day - for 4285 days. And know - every time I heard it - that you hated me, that somewhere you were out there all alone, hating me and hurting just as much as you hurt that night.

'But the worst - the worst of it was being trapped. In that tiny little cell. Nothing to do. Nothing to see. No one to talk to. I could hear the screams of the other prisoners - I could tell whenever a death was close because the dementors would get excited - and I knew one day it would be my death they got excited over. And I would never have left that cell. I would never have done anything, been anywhere … I wouldn't have seen the world … I would never have kissed you, or even told you I loved you. And I would be dead. My whole life a waste - a miserable, agonising waste. Those four walls were my world - and it was a mindnumbing, freezing, miserable, grey world … and I cannot go back. Remus, I cannot go back.

'But now our adventure is done - and the results are in the hands of the politicians. And they will play politics. They don't care for the truth, they care about power - their own and keeping it. They care about keeping the world on an even keel, on keeping the public trusting in them. And to do that - we will be the sacrifice. They will arrest us and throw us back to the dementors just to keep everyone else feeling safe… I think I always knew that was how this would end, even before we started. The closer we got, the more I knew it. But now we are here - I cannot bear it - I cannot go back. I cannot lose you. I cannot bear that these are our last moments together. I cannot go back into that cell - I can't - can't…'

He seemed to run out of things to say, his eyes were shining with tears - he was still pacing, more and more distressed … Remus got to his feet and took hold of him, forcing him to a halt and pulling him into an embrace. 'I don't believe that it will happen this way. I trust Dumbledore will protect us.'

Sirius made a noise that was somewhere between a snort and a sob.

'I truly believe we have our whole lives ahead of us - that Dumbledore will not let us down. Sirius, I truly believe that. But if I am wrong - if these are our last moments together …' He kissed Sirius fiercely, and then looked into his eyes. 'Let's not spend them worrying about things we cannot change. Let's spend them properly - as we would always choose to spend our last moments together. Let's spend them making love.' He kissed him again. 'Make love to me, Sirius.'

Remus held Sirius' gaze until he nodded, and then led him onto the bed. Their breathing was rapid and shallow, their kisses gentle and tentative … and when Sirius unbuttoned Remus' shirt, his fingers trembled even more than they had their first time together.

...

Once they were spent, Sirius did not fall straight asleep for once. He lay his head on Remus' shoulder and his fingers stroked his chest. Remus wrapped his arm about him, and his knuckles grazed softly along the skin of Sirius' arm. They lay in the darkness, in complete silence, Remus holding Sirius and staring at the ceiling - Sirius staring into nothingness.

The air was tense, and the aura of expectation, of waiting seemed to press in on them - suffocating. Every sense was strained, listening out for any sound of wizards making their way to the room … to take them to the Ministry … to arrest them…

The waiting was unbearable, every second an eternity … but at the same time, Remus wanted these moments to last forever - because once it was over … If Sirius was right there would never be another one like it for them again. And though he meant it when he said he trusted Dumbledore, it would be a lie if he said there was not one flicker of doubt in his heart.

He wanted to say something. To make it all alright. To put Sirius' mind at ease … to assure him that this would be over soon and they would be free at last … but there was a weight of dread in his chest that meant he could not find the words.

He did not know how long they lay there - it both seemed to last forever and to be over terrifyingly quickly. But eventually, they heard footsteps headed their way, coming closer, then right outside … and then a knock on their door...