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A Leader's Greatest Fear

Thursday—May 28, 2021

Unsurprisingly, Ren was the last to fall asleep, dozing off to the sound of Ryuji and Yusuke's snoring; however, he was the last to wake up the next morning, only rousing to the hard poking and prodding of Ryuji as he stood over his bed. Ren never understood how his friend managed to be so hyper in the mornings or where he acquired all this energy. He always considered himself a morning person because he was able to get up and get to work with relative ease, but Ryuji was an entirely different story. Fortunately, he was not the groggiest one—Yusuke was still stifling a series of yawns behind his hand as he rolled over and resumed his soft snoring.

"I tried with him," Ryuji said and shrugged his shoulders. "Come on, man, get up."

Ren understood his friend's excitement for he could not abate his own elation as he remembered they were leaving today. He pulled out his phone, eyes scanning for the time, but his heart slowed when he saw the blaring 05:00. "But, why so early?"

"I wanted to get ramen before we left," Ryuji stated plainly, unabashed by Ren's fixed glare. The blonde haired boy even laughed at his own absurdity. "Ann's already waiting. And hey, I tried inviting Yusuke, but he threw a paintbrush at my head."

"That's all?" Ren quipped as he put on his glasses. He chuckled as Ryuji answered with a rude gesture and sat up. "I'll go but let me get ready."

Ren washed up and changed into more casual attire for the day, packing away the last of his necessities into his small suitcase, and headed downstairs. He spotted Ann sitting across from Sojiro, legs crossed at the ankles. She wore her hair down, which fell in thick waves to her lower back, which took a moment for Ren to adjust seeing.

"Where are you going?" Sojiro asked gruffly as he eyed the two boys then Ann. "Not doing anything bad, are you?"

"No," Ren said truthfully and hoisted his backpack up higher on his shoulder.

"Just the ramen place, Boss," Ryuji said cheerfully and beckoned Ann towards the door.

"Watch her back," Sojiro said to Ren and Ryuji, frowning as he turned to the news channel broadcasting on his television. "There's a lot of crazy people out there."

Ren nodded in understanding; ever since her popularity grew with her modeling career, he felt like he had been intervening crazed fans far more often.

He followed Ann from the cafe and down a very familiar road. He looked around as he soaked in the scenery that brought upon a strong sense of nostalgia. His mind went to the storage of good memories forged from this city. His eyes travelled over the store names, a small smile playing at his lips as he did so. Ren followed his friends into the familiar ramen place and took a seat in some of the stools they once sat in before.

"Three giant bowls, please!"

By the time they all had finished, Ren could swear he was going to burst. He shook his head and put it in his hands. He put his elbow on the table to properly double over, discomfort written all over his posture.

"Too much!" Ann gasped and groaned. "I regret this every time I do this."

"Me—too," Ryuji panted.

Ren let out a soft groan of his own, wanting to limit his movements. He was about to express his sudden exhaustion when a familiar voice called out his name. Ren whipped around too quickly, regretting the swiftness, and hugged his midriff.

"Overdid it, huh?"

Ren stared up at Goro, who was dressed in something more casual than he, or the others, had ever seen. He almost did not recognize him.

"Eat the last of the dumplings, man," Ryuji said and waved a hand to the six that were left. "It's all yours."

"Thank you," Goro said smoothly, picking one up and taking a bite. "I will take you up on that offer. But I came to speak with you, Amamiya-san."

"Don't call me that," Ren said immediately, almost instinctively for it felt wrong hearing it from someone he hung out with on a regular basis, someone he once considered a close friend. "What do you need?"

"Privacy," Goro replied, unabashed. He ignored Ryuji and Ann's surprised and slightly defensive expressions and plowed forward. "If you have the time."

Ren resisted the urge to curl his lip back at the snide remark, quickly adopting his mask of casual indifference. He nodded to Ryuji, placing a pacifying hand on his shoulder to stop him from arguing. He rose to his feet and lifted both eyebrows after Ann had grabbed him back down by the arm to whisper something in his ear.

"Ready," Ren said with a hint of mockery. He followed Goro out of the noodle bar and halfway down its back alleyway. He frowned as Goro came to a stop, feeling the weight of his food in his stomach feel even heavier. "What is it?"

"You were wrong last night," Goro said and folded his arms over his chest, fingers running against each other as if it was a nervous tick. "There is something we need to talk about—there is quite a bit to discuss in fact."

Ren held his silence, much to the annoyance of the other. He harbored no desire to hash out memories he had done his best to come to terms with and pack away for good.

"So, this is it?" Goro asked, feeling his anger rise from the depths of his chest. He raised his voice slightly. "What a waste."

"I never said we couldn't," Ren said flatly although he remained stoic.

Goro curled his hands into fists, about to snap, but stopped when Ren made a funny motion with himself. The ravenette looked disgruntled for a fraction of a second, hand raising slightly as if it was meant to go somewhere but then thought better of it. Goro opened his mouth to try again, but Ren's actions repeated themselves.

"What is this?" he demanded.

Ren felt himself turn a little red, looking away as he spoke, hands in his pockets. However, his words were interrupted by a loud, undignified noise—a hiccup. Ren flushed worse as he cleared his throat, hand flying to his now-sore chest only to fix this motion and run his hand through his hair to play it off. He could feel not only his face burn, but the rest of his body in embarrassment.

Goro stared at him for a moment before he burst out laughing; it was highly uncharacteristic to see the bespectacled boy flounder so awkwardly. Goro's laughter stemmed from amusement more than humility, but Ren grunted unhappily and took half a step back.

"I've caught you compromised," Goro said as his laughter mostly subsided, ignoring Ren's glower. "Perhaps I will return later."

"Maybe," Ren muttered, watching the other high schooler walk off with a casual wave thrown over his shoulder, not even bothering to turn around.

The former delinquent let out a ragged sigh and ventured back to the ramen bar, immediately finding himself bombarded by questions. Ryuji was definitely the loudest, but Ann was the most demanding.

"What did he want?"

"Was it bad?"

"You shoulda called backup, man!"

"Is he playing with us again?"

Ren held up a hand and sat back down, still feeling heavy and fatigued. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing his mouth thoughtfully as he recalled Goro's exact words. He seemed desperate to talk, but Ren could not figure out what else Crow wanted; he could see the blue flames flicker between his fingers and gasped, throwing his hands out before him.

"What?" Ann said shrilly, jumping and scooting back; she narrowed her eyes as Ren stared at his hands. "What was that for?"

Ren shook his head and forced himself to regain his composure, especially given he was in public. He settled back down, letting his hands drop in his lap—which trembled slightly as they remained folded tightly.

"More importantly, did he say anything?" Ryuji demanded around a mouthful of noodles, slurping rather loudly. He tipped the bowl back to finish off his portion, evidently forgetting how full he felt moments ago. "It was a short-ass conversation."

"He didn't have much," Ren said in agreement.

"Or you didn't give him the time of day," Ann concluded wisely, throwing him a bit of a playfully mischievous grin. "Which was it?"

Their leader shook his head as a loud hiccup escaped despite his attempt to hide it behind a hand. Flustered, he muttered an apology and stifled the next one, forgetting he had them in the first place.

"Aha! That's the real reason!" Ryuji said triumphantly. "And here we were about to give you credit for being a smooth talker!"

.oOo.

Ren found himself stuck in a rock and a hard place—or rather he found himself stuck in Ryuji's drool and the airplane window.

His pseudo-blonde friend fell asleep sitting straight up for five minutes before he slumped over on Ren's shoulder, snoring loudly, especially since he was right in his ear. Ren sighed and looked out the window, watching the clouds cover their tracks. He had been on airplanes before but was never fond of ones that were too long. However, the States were nearly 16 hours away, and all he had for entertainment were two books and a plane magazine. Ren couldn't move with the surprisingly heavy weight on his shoulders, so he had no choice but to watch.

"It looks like you could use a break, senpai."

Ren jolted from his thoughts and blinked a few times to clear his blurred vision. The first thing he saw was red hair before he realized he was staring at Sumire, whose later flight was cancelled for maintenance. She came with Yusuke, who sighed and gestured to Ryuji.

"We can switch seats," he said and pointed to Sumire. "She insisted she take your place, but chivalry has not ceased."

"In other words, you don't want her covered in Ryuji drool," Ann said with a roll of her eyes. "I hear you. But that's very sweet of you, Inari!"

She unapologetically seized Ryuji by the collar of his shirt and heaved, yanking him off Ren and squeaking when the troublemaker slumped over on her. Ren, as he got up, situated Ryuji so his head lolled off to the side but at least he was sitting straight once more. He nodded gratefully to Yusuke, who took his seat and snuck some airplane chicken to Morgana, who accepted it gratefully.

"Thanks, Yusuke," Morgana whispered and popped his head up from the carrier. "Stingy Ren wouldn't share his food."

Sumire smiled fondly and led Ren back to her seat directly behind them.

"You wouldn't mind taking the emergency exit seat, would you?" she asked timidly, pushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't want that kind of responsibility, even if it's unlikely I'll use it."

Ren nodded and slipped into the seat by the door, buckling in and leaning back. His arm had fallen asleep, leaving it with a weird, tingly feeling that spread from his shoulder to his fingers. He grabbed his arm and started massaging the feeling back in.

"Let me help!" Sumire suggested happily, hands hovering to replace his own. "I've been told I'm good at massages. I always have to after gymnastics practice."

Ren hesitated but eventually agreed, lowering his hands. He had to admit there was truth behind her words. She managed to bring back the blood to his arm, dissipate the static feeling, and loosen tension he carried in his neck and shoulder.

"Stressed?" Sumire asked, tilting her head as her fingers worked their way towards the base of his neck. "I can feel it."

"I'm fine," Ren said instinctively, a force of habit he had acquired after years of growing up with his family. He forced his mind to stray from that subject…

"You may be the leader, but don't you remember last time, senpai?"

~FLASHBACK~

Ren was vaguely aware of everyone talking about the next, big plan for the Phantom Thieves and Joker would be more than willing to add his input. But, today, he could not bring himself to listen, for his mind was on a million other things. He sighed and stared at the glass of water on the table, then the straw wrapper on the ground, and finally to the hands folded in his lap he could feel his mind slip from one horrid thought to the next, each ending with the death of his friends.

These thoughts were not new, but they were more intrusive. Ren figured the more they did and the more attention they drew to themselves, the worse those horrible thoughts frequented him. He had been the leader of this group for some time now, and he had to admit that it required some adjustment. He never had friends before moving to Tokyo nor had he ever been liked much by others. To others, he was a problem-child, loner, too shy, and now a delinquent, criminal, and everything in between. He had been labeled and the subject for the nastiest rumors and it followed him to Shujin. It never bothered him, but it did stick with him.

Except someone was there who didn't subject him to humiliation. Ren had met Ryuji; the pair were outcasts with tarnished reputations, but most importantly, they had something to fight for. When their spirits manifested themselves into Personas, Ren knew their bond would only grow from there. However, the Phantom Thieves' founding members did not stay a duo for long, however. It was then decided Ren should be leader. One thing led to another, and he soon found himself the leader of an entire movement of people.

"Ren?"

"Hm?" Ren hummed and snapped his head up. "Oh….yes."

"Yes to what?" Makoto asked in confusion.

"Sorry," Ren replied apologetically and rubbed his hands on his knees. "Yes—sure—leave it to me."

Makoto gave him a suspicious look, like she Ren was not all there with them. She continued to talk anyway but kept an eye on him. Ren was too occupied to look present and he slipped back into his thoughts.

It intimidated him to think he could be responsible for the death of his friends; their blood on his hands unnerved him. He recalled the time in the interrogation room and all the while he was being beaten, all he could worry about were his friends and if they were safe.

Ren could feel his chest tightened and the familiar sting behind his eyes.

No. Not now...not here.

Ren paled as his breath hitched.

Not in front of everyone.

Ren instinctively ducked his head downward and hid his face. His hands scrambled desperately for his phone, which he uses to feign occupancy. He refused to let any tears fall, but he did not dare try to breathe too deeply to alleviate the pressure in his chest lest he attract unwanted attention.

However, there were telltale signs—his arm would move, hand swiping at his face, abnormally frequent moving of his glasses, and the occasional sniffling.

"So?" Haru's high-pitched voice asked again, prompting him to speak up. "Ren, are you okay? You're quieter than usual. I mean, it's usually you who comes up with everything."

Ren nodded, choosing his words carefully, but ensuring his voice would not falter. "Yes, it is a very good plan."

"You see our plan for its rawness, but surely you can come up with some improvement," Yusuke said slowly, hand on his chin as he thought deeply.

"Other than my responsibilities, everything is calculated," Ren said but more firmly this time around as if trying to convince himself he was imagining this overwhelming wave of self-loathe and sadness. "You should probably reconsider infiltration points. The security will be higher."

The group nodded collectively, murmuring their agreements and chorusing how Joker had swooped in at the last minute and perfected their plan—the "icing on top of the cake".

Ren's fake smile slipped back and the shadow of misery lined his expression once more. He looked back down at this phone even though the screen was off.

"Ren?"

He looked back up with a flare of irritation. Why couldn't they leave well enough alone? However, all he did was stare and wait for them to say something. After all, they initiated the conversations.

"You barely said a word since we got here this afternoon," Ann said and tried to add some light humor. "Are you sick of us?"

Ren shook his head. How could he explain the onerous weight on his shoulders? They all cared about him and they trusted him to lead and guide them...they trusted him with their lives. He felt his throat close up.

"I'm just t-tired."

Ren froze, realizing now his voice finally cracked. His head, which he never lifted, was still bent, but he could hear every painful noise. Ryuji stepped forward and turned Ren's head gently yet firmly, forcing him to look up.

He knew his red eyes, tears, and sniffling would instantly give him away and it did. Ryuji's worried expression only grew when he realized his best friend was, in fact, crying.

"Whoa, dude," Ryuji said and squeezed his shoulder, squatting in front of Ren and looking up at him. "What's going on?"

Ren pulled back and cleared his throat, wearing his usual bravado, tapping his fingers on the table as he braced himself on it. "Let's do it."

"Ren — please talk to us," Makoto said softly, hand on her chest. "I know you're not yourself. We all know this isn't you — "

Ren cut her off with a hand held up. "Leave it to me."

~END~

Ren, harboring no desire to linger on a subject that rubbed salt into his wounds, merely offered Sumire a look that nonverbally indicated a change of subject. The redhead seemed to have known she went too far for she bowed her head and murmured an apology.

"I saw your last routine," he decided to say in an attempt to reconcile the awkward tension. "Your coach seemed impressed."

Sumire brightened at the subject and her smile returned, reaching to her eyes. She nodded enthusiastically and

and folded her hands in her lap. "Remember those moves we did in the Metaverse? I've been incorporating a few of those in my routine."

Ren felt himself smile for a moment or two as his mind recalled the stunts the two of them had pulled off during their times in the Metaverse.

"You've gotten really good at your forward and backward somersaults," Sumire stated kindly and giggled. "I remember when we first started practicing. I could just tell you would get the hang of it quickly! You even remembered to cross your arms!"

Ren offered her a polite smile. "You teach well."

"And I never got to thank you properly, senpai," Sumire added with another little bow of her head.

Even though being addressed as her senpai made Ren feel a bit uncomfortable, he tilted his head in confusion, giving her a questioning look.

"For not dropping me!" Sumire said and nudged him playfully, something she rarely did unless she was comfortable with the person. "We barely practiced working with trapezes, but it seems like you're getting used to the grappling hook."

"I've been practicing," Ren replied honestly, shrugging a shoulder. "I had to before I could practice with you."

"That's very sweet—well, considerate of you," Sumire said with another warm smile. "Er…did you ever get that model gun you and Ryuji-senpai were looking at?"

"Not yet," Ren said with a shake of his head, turning to look out the window again, staring the white clouds that the airplane's wings sliced through.

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen," the pilot announced over the intercom. "We are experiencing poor weather and will expect to land in France. I apologize for the inconvenience; hotel rooms and transportation will be provided for all members aboard."

Ren could hear Ryuji's voice from ahead. "A delay? Really? Great…I swear, we better get some food after this!"

Ren could hear a grunt and a flash of Ann's elbow as she seemed to have prodded him pretty hard with it.

He sighed and kept his thoughts to himself; while the delay was a nuisance, it was not the end of the world. He looked down at his hands that were tapping softly on his leg when a spark of blue fire erupted from his hands, momentarily revealing red gloves underneath.

Ren gasped and lifted his hands again, studying them like he was trying to will it again, yet nothing happened. Was it his imagination? The high schooler put his hands down when Sumire placed her own on his knee, frowning slightly as she regarded him with concern.

"What's wrong, senpai?"

"Nothing," Ren replied slowly though absentmindedly, eyes still trained on his bare hands, which looked unassuming and normal as ever. "Nothing…"

Ren's vision flickered as the lights of the airplane seemed to dim. His breath hitched as he looked around, wondering why no one else was noticing this. He could feel Sumire stiffen beside him as her fingers that were resting on his knee began to apply some pressure.

And from the depths of his mind, a whisper rang out.

"Come, Joker."

I was referring to Ren and Sumire's showtime at the end of Persona 5 Royal. Anyway, let me know what you think!