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Breath of Hallelujah

Sunday—May 31, 2021

Ren was the first to wake up this morning and unable to go back to sleep. He tossed and turned for over an hour before he finally decided to give in and start his day. He listened to Yusuke's gentle snoring for a few moments as he began to get ready, making sure he was quiet (although, his friends were heavy sleepers for the most part).

He poked his head through the diving door and checked to see if he managed to rouse the other two, but Goro's bed was empty and Ryuji was still sleeping with his mouth agape. He pulled back and showered with the door closed, letting the steam build. He eventually slid out of the bathroom with new clothes and headed out for the lobby exit.

The moment he hit the outdoors, the refreshing warmth of the summer morning hit him. Ren felt more awake than ever, pulling out a newly purchased pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the pockets of his black trenchcoat.

He felt a surge of guilt that lingered as he stared at the box with shaking hands; he pushed his upping glasses up his nose and pulled one out, thumb flicking weakly as he struck the lighter until the flame burst out, cupping the fire. He took a drag and felt the ashy taste hit the back of his throat unpleasantly. However, relief washed over him like a wave as he engaged in something far outside his comfort level.

Was it a confidence boost?

Still, the guilt remained. Ren didn't want his friends to think poorly of him if they saw him smoke from time to time, so he promised to make this a rare occasion. He stuffed his free hand back in his pocket and exhaled slowly, limbs tingling as the familiar dizziness returned. There was something comforting about it and the solitude of the early morning hours. The sky was still dark and the only light provided came from the parking lot lamps.

He felt invisible and while he was never popular, he was always put in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons—he went from innocent wallflower to delinquent and criminal. Even when he returned and the charges on his name were cleared, students at his former school still considered him no good. Ren dealt with the marginalization well, but he still took it to heart despite his best attempts not to.

He figured it would be best to finish his final year of high school elsewhere; although, his current situation made it feel impossible to escape from until he was given the opportunity to study abroad. He forged his parents' signatures and relied on scholarships to get through, ecstatic to learn he had been accepted into the program with several scholarships courtesy to his marks. Now all Ren had to do was wait until he was eighteen so he could start signing things for himself—that he would have to wait until March, the months from now.

Things, in the end, were starting to work out for him and for the best, but he still had to confront his parents one day...he took a long and shaky drag of the cigarette as the thought of his parents left an even worse taste in his mouth than the smoke. He never argued with his parents nor did he ever disobey them terribly, although they never acknowledged him in the first place. Therefore, he could not harbor any animosity. His mother and father were concerned solely on his future but never the present other than his academics.

~FLASHBACK~

Ren's mother stood at the sink, hands gripping the edges as she regarded him closely. They looked, in his and everyone else's opinion, nothing alike. While he had messy, wavy hair, she had straight and neat hair. Her eyes were a rich brown while his were dark gray, almost black. She was short, no taller than five feet while he had ten or eleven inches on her.

"Did you learn anything in Tokyo?"

"Yes," Ren said.

His mother, almost avoiding his gaze. "Your actions reflect this family. So, we endured hardships on your behalf."

Ren bowed his head.

"Were you paid today?"

Ren reached into his book bag and pulled out a yellow envelope, sliding it over to his mother, who hummed in response and took it. She looked inside and began counting the yen in front of him. Ren was grateful he picked up some extra hours despite his exhaustion for the appeased expression his mother wore made it worth it.

"Study, Ren," his mother said as she turned her back to him. "I will make dinner."

Ren took the dismal and went straight for his room; Morgana leaped out from his bag as his friend went to dig around his closet, pulling out a bowl and some fish. Ren pushed the plate over to Morgana and gave him a forced smile.

"Enjoy."

Morgana, however, did not eat right away like he usually would. Instead, he padded around the plate and over to Ren, who was sitting on the edge of his mattress with a distracted, far-away look. His books lay scattered around him on the floor but he didn't touch a single one.

"I wish you'd tell me the truth," Morgana said with a sigh, curling his tail around his paws as he sat on his haunches. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm just tired from the all-nighters," Ren replied and made a grab for the nearest book, whatever it was. However, Morgana bounded forward and nudged Ren's hand away.

"That's not what it is," Morgana said softly and looked at his friend. "Your night terrors say otherwise."

Ren withdrew his hand and let it fall into his lap as his shoulders slumped in resignation. He hung his head, staring at his knees, a frown playing at his lips despite his best attempt to keep his expression neutral. Even though his mother's coldness bothered him tonight, it was no different than before—even before he left Tokyo. He had grown accustomed to the lack of affection, so what was so different about tonight?

"Is it everyone in Tokyo?" Morgana guessed, deciding he would have to pry this boy open.

"They seemed happy, Morgana," Ren said softly, his memories of his friends in a better place flashing clear images in his mind—Ann with Shiho, Ryuji was popular, Makoto and her sister, Haru and her father, Futaba with her mother...Ren was responsible for seizing it away. "Happier..."

"Personally yes...but my answer won't change the way you feel," Morgana said earnestly but wisely. Ren knew his feline friend was right—no matter the amount of external reassurance, his self-doubt and inner conflict would never cease.

He had taken his friends' blissful realities away for what? He told them it was the right thing to do, but it was for his own selfish desires. He wanted a reality in which he was happiest. He wanted the reality where he was with his friends because he realized they could go on without him but Ren could not go on without them. It was embarrassing to realize how unrequited his friendships were—they were the center of his world. He didn't have much other than them, but his friends had so much more than him.

He didn't want that reality.

"It was hard...making decisions like that," Ren admitted softly, eyes still cast downward. "I don't think I'll ever know if I made the right one."

"And sometimes that'll happen," Morgana replied and padded a little closer to Ren, who took in a shaky breath. "Especially as a leader."

"I know."

Morgana looked at his friend and frowned. He had definitely lost weight. He knew Ren was spending the extra money earned on him, always making sure Morgana had his fill.

"Oh," Morgana said after a short pause. "I wanted to give you something."

He flounced off and returned about six minutes later with a single, black feather in his jaws. Ren knotted his eyebrows in confusion and pointed to it as a silent inquiry. Morgana set it down in Ren's lap then stepped back as Ren picked it up to examine it.

"What's this?"

"Take a close look."

"A feather?" Ren observed superficially. He shrugged his shoulders. "I said you didn't have to hunt for food—"

He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes narrowed before widening. He turned the feather over in his fingers a few times before he let out a small gasp.

"Crow."

Ren closed his eyes as tears began welling behind his eyes. Holding back was fruitless for the tears already spilled, splashing into his lap as he gripped the feather tightly. Perhaps Goro Akechi was the deepest wound left to heal although Ren was not sure if it ever would. He had confided in the detective for months, growing closer with each encounter; despite knowing he was up to no good, Ren still clung to the hope he was wrong. Still, staring at Goro with the barrel of a gun to his forehead hardly hurt more than the confirmation of betrayal.

"He was your friend," Morgana said in acknowledgement and rested his head on Ren's knee, tail sweeping from side to side in concern as Ren began to shake.

Ren never wanted to admit Goro was his friend nor did he ever want to admit he cared for the other, especially to the extent that he truly did.

~END~

Ren took another long drag as the hand in his pocket curled into a fist around the chess piece that he carried everywhere with him. His mind flashed to the fight between himself and Goro in Shido's palace. He watched his friends summon their Personas to defend against Goro's attack, but he could not find himself to join.

~FLASHBACK~

"Captain Kidd!"

The boat had protected Ryuji from the rampaging feline.

"Zorro!"

The two swordsmen locked their blades in a battle of strength.

"Carmen!"

"Milady!"

"Goeman!"

"Johanna!"

Makoto revved the engine, sending a blast of white, blazing light.

Meanwhile, Ren pulled out his handguns, one in each hand since he no longer had someone mirroring his left, doing his best to get close to Akechi, but the detective sent one laser beam after the other from the ray gun that had once been the counterpart to his own handgun. Goro stood with his left hand up, eyes staring hard behind that red mask while Ren danced and flipped, dodging the shots until he had no choice but to retreat behind the pillar.

Ren listened, but the words sounded foreign to him. The voice sounded even less familiar and he could hardly believe they were coming out of the mouth of the same person that spent hours in his attic room, talking about whatever came to mind until the early hours of the morning…all he could do was stare.

"Loki!"

Goro ripped off the mask and held it up as it burst into red flames; Ren let out a disgruntled gasp as he stepped forward, putting himself between the demon and his group. However rattled he was, his friends' reactions were worse. He did not know Akechi could summon more than one Persona, like himself, but it did not come as a shock. He knew the detective was hiding much more than he was putting on.

"There's only one Persona per person," Morgana had said although they knew it was not true for Ren was the living proof.

Akechi howled with rage as he flung his head back and unleashed the unbelievable amount of rage he kept inside him. Ren's eyes widened as he lifted his face to reveal the blask mask.

"Crow...you're…"

"You're all eyesores to me."

Ren never imagined it possible to feel the hurt pounding in his head; he stared at Akechi with newfound venom that brought upon rage of his own. He trusted his former confidant with everything; but most importantly, Ren trusted Akechi with his friends, and he had put them all in danger because he could not come to terms with Akechi's ulterior motives. He was not angry at Goro...he was angry at himself.

Ren threw out an arm and straightened his shoulders. "I'll do it."

"It's all garbage! Justice! Friends!"

Goro stared at him with his teeth bared, eyes blazing with the loss of his sanity. Ren felt his heart explode with the words although he could not determine whether it was from sadness or anger this time. It was no longer a matter of the Phantom Thieves; it was just between the Deceiver and the Trickster.

Loki sent out a blast of white-red light. Ren, knowing it was solely aimed at him, only had time to throw up his arms in an 'X' in front of his face to protect it, but behind his arms, his expression darkened.

"What's the difference between you Phantom Thieves and me? We both remove society's trash!"

Ann called out. "Joker!"

"Don't worry," Ren said in a commanding voice, knowing they were not Akechi's true target. "Leave this to me."

"You're in my way! Teammates are nothing but trash!"

He was once Goro's teammate, but did it truly mean nothing to him? Not only was he Goro's ally, but he considered himself Goro's friend. Ren had genuine feelings for Goro, which was once reciprocated although he questioned whether it was all fabricated for the sake of this lie. Perhaps...perhaps it was…

"Arsène!"

The two demons flung themselves at one another, locking hands as they faced off one another in a battle of, not physical strength, but sheer will power.

Meanwhile, Goro lunged at Ren first, attacking with his blade unsheathed. Ren maneuvered around him, ducking at a swipe from the boy's red blade. He evaded albeit sloppily, realizing he was going to be stuck on the defense until Akechi finished him off.

"I'm an ace detective! I'm charismatic!"

Ren did his best to counter, managing only a jab, but Goro's longer sword kept him backing up. Ren used what remaining strength he had to block the red sword from spearing into his chest, his own dagger quivering from the pressure exerted upon it.

"Akechi…"

"Stop it! Don't look at me like that!" Goro roared, his voice cracking as he curled his lip back. "How could I be inferior to you?"

At those words, Loki from above faltered; Arsène swelled with newfound power.

"How can attic scum with a criminal record have something that I don't?"

Ren listened but in disbelief. He stood there with his weapon lowered to his side, defensive stance at ease; his eyes widened as he watched Goro begin to reveal what he finally felt…

"Why? Why is trash like you more special than me?"

Loki flickered weakly, allowing Arsène to raise his right hand and encase the demon in a ball of black and red until he dissipated. The shock and force of Loki's evaporation sent Akechi to his knees.

"Stop it. This fight is over."

"I envy you."

~END~

Ren stared at his hands although the statement was expected given everything else Goro had unveiled...had he known sooner, perhaps Ren could have done something differently. Those moments were filled with a thousand "what if's"; had he talked to Goro sooner about what he was feeling, perhaps things would have been different...

"Ren-senpai?"

He was interrupted by a familiar voice from somewhere to his left. He looked around until he spotted Sumire approaching him with a frown on her face. She wrapped her jacket tighter to her frame as she came to a halt before him, nose wrinkling at the smell.

Ren quickly turned his back to her and hung his head.

"Ren?" came her soft voice. "What are you doing out here so early?"

He kept silent as he stared at the smoke rising and dancing in mesmerizing swirls.

"Are you smoking? I didn't know you did that," Sumire continued, walking around him so she was facing him once more.

Ren pushed his glasses into place, grateful the reflection of the lamp post made it hard to see his eyes (although it made it hard to see her through the lenses). He wished it was anyone but her to run into. He had no grandiose excuse as to why he was caught with a cigarette, although he did not try to hide it anymore.

"Senpai, are you okay?" Sumire asked, frowning. She eyed him carefully, gaze raking over his body as if she was expecting his emotional turmoil to manifest into some sort of physical ailment.

"Yeah. Are you?"

"We always focus on me or someone else in the Phantom Thieves, but we never talk about you," Sumire stated factually and while there may have been some truth behind her words, Ren preferred it that way.

"There's nothing to me," he replied smoothly, speaking in a matter-of-fact tone. He took a drag of his cigarette and turned away to exhale and put some distance between himself and her. When that did not work, he tried a quip. "Maybe I'm just trying to perfect my bad-boy image."

"You're a unique criminal then," Sumire smiled at his jest but it was fleeting. "They're just worried about you. They—we care. I...I wanted to tell you for some time…"

She trailed off but Ren waited patiently.

"I figured out why I look similar to you...in the Metaverse as Violet," Sumire said and took a deep breath in as if summoning the courage to speak. "It's because I learned so much from you, I wanted to be like you."

"Hm?" Ren asked, knitting his eyebrows.

"You taught me valuable lessons in life—especially about my sister and myself."

Ren watched her rub her hands over her arms and wrap them around herself as she looked around.

"Cold?"

Sumire looked up at him and giggled. "It's a funny thing, isn't it? To be cold at the end of May?"

"It can get cool when the sun is down," Ren replied and shed his jacket, draping it around her shoulders.

"Thank you, Senpai," she said and stepped nearer, closing the distance between them. She placed a hand flat on his chest. "You're a good person. I just...wanted to let you know that."

Ren murmured a soft thank you, but his heart wasn't in the gratitude and the meaning behind those words fell short. He had not gotten completely used to her random bouts of passion in which she often threw herself in his arms. He would catch her, but it still caught him by surprise.

He put out his cigarette and threw it away, walking back to the hotel with Sumire in tow. He felt lighter and his shoulders did not slump as much; perhaps he would benefit from talking about it, but he couldn't bring himself to yet...not yet. Before they walked into the lobby, Ren touched her arm to stop her.

"This smells like you," Sumire said suddenly and smiled up at him. "But the smoke is strong."

Ren blushed, a red tinge to his face, and he looked away. "Sorry…no one knows…"

"It's okay," she chirped. "We can use my perfume."

Ren made a face. "Wouldn't that be more suspicious?"

Sumire giggled and shook her head. "You lent me your jacket. That's proof enough!"

The pair walked into the lobby together and up to Ren and Yusuke's hotel room, where Yusuke and Ryuji were gathered round, eating breakfast. Goro had reappeared from his disappearance earlier this morning and was on the foot of his bed, grazing on an apple.

"Welcome back, lovebirds," Ryuji said with a knowing grin.

"You know we aren't," Ren replied calmly and put a hand on Sumire's shoulder to cease her awkward stammering.

Ryuji let out a bark-like laugh and leaped to his feet, prodding Ren in the stomach with an elbow. "But she's wearin' your jacket and y'all show up alone—"

"What time does the flight leave tomorrow?" Ren inquired, implying the conversation should end.

"Don't worry," Goro said smoothly to Sumire, eyes flashing over to Ren for a few, passing seconds. "He will then turn around and give Takamaki attention next. You know how leaders are."

Sumire's eyes widened as Ren's narrowed with a hidden expression.

"Is that so?" the black-haired boy asked. He turned to Ann and lifted an eyebrow. "Well? You heard him."

Ann gave him a very knowing look as Ren leaned in and planted his lips on hers. The band gasped.

"What a strange phenomenon so early in the morning," Yusuke grumbled and rubbed his eyes tiredly, looking between the pair.

"Didn't know you had it in you," Ryuji said and wolf-whistled.

"Shut up," Ann snapped.

Ren turned to Goro with a blazing look, unwavering and challenging. "Any other requests?"

Goro's face fell into the lines of a scowl as he bared his teeth. "Figures that's what you need to do to grovel for their attention!"

"Hey," Ryuji said as his voice turned serious. "Chill, dude. It was a joke—"

Ren's expression of impassiveness never changed even though he wanted nothing more than to show his anger. Instead, he watched Goro huff and walk out the door with a wave of his hand, insisting he needed to grab a bottle of water.

The rest of their friends remained silent, but Ren was not done.

.oOo.

Goro's steps were heavy though they moved with a purpose. He wanted to put as much space between himself and Ren's insufferable attitude before he lost his reservation and said or did something he would most likely regret later...although, the likelihood of that felt slim for the time being.

He curled his hands into fists as his words rang out in his head. The familiar, overwhelming, and consuming fire of envy ravaged through his veins, burning every inch of his skin. He stormed out of the hotel's lobby and began pacing around the empty pool area, cursing colorfully to himself.

"When you said water, I didn't picture it chlorinated."

Goro's angry pace faltered as he recognized the voice. Of course he would come out now. He turned sharply on his heel to face Ren, chest heaving as he stared at the teen, who looked too pleased with himself for his own good.

"Why is it always you?" he snarled at Ren, lip curling back unpleasantly. "Why can't I get rid of you?"

"You are the one who followed us abroad," Ren replied flippantly, hands in his pockets and shrugging as if he was merely bored.

"My second mistake," Goro grunted, wanting to take the other by the shoulders, shove him in the water, and hold him down...anything to wipe the smug look off his face.

"And the first?" Ren drawled with an eyebrow raised expectantly for the answer.

"Coming back," Goro hissed as venomously as he could muster, hoping to get some sort of reaction; but still, there was nothing, which infuriated him more. "Why the hell are you here?"

"Plane was delayed for two days," Ren answered without missing a beat, leaning against the pool's fence with his elbow propped up on the railing. "What brings you here?"

"Fuck you," Goro spat, about three seconds from lunging across and wrapping his hands around that slender neck attaching that insolent head. "Of course it's you. You always knew how to kick someone when they're down, Joker. You have perfected that in the Metaverse and now moving on to this reality."

Ren merely tilted his head. "If that's how you feel."

Of course it was how he felt. Goro bit back a nasty retort, knowing his anger was going to get him nowhere. Still, it was hard to control his anger when it had consumed him for so long, and had taken over his entire life. It had been his motivator for as long as he could remember and it all started long before Ren…

"Take a hint, Amamiya," Goro growled and curled his hands into fists, making sure Ren saw him tense. "Your sorry face is the last one I want to see right now."

Ren scoffed as if unimpressed by the measley insult tossed at him. "I expected worse from you. From experience, I can say you are pulling your punches. Or maybe you're off your game. Which is it? Or is it a combination?"

Goro never heard Ren talk so much before—no, wait. He definitely has. When Ren got comfortable enough with him, Ren could talk nonstop. It was sort of relaxing to listen to his voice as he mulled over philosophical ideology and shared beliefs. Goro, then, would sit back and relish in the comfort of Ren's presence.

"No progress without thesis and antithesis, right?" Ren questioned, breaking Goro's thoughts.

"Fuck you," Goro repeated, anger dripping from each syllable.

"Better but still ineloquent for you," Ren said lazily and ran a hand through his hair. He looked around and sat right down in a lawn chair, reclining it and leaning back, legs folded over each other at the ankles. "Take a seat since neither of us are getting water."

Goro made no move to move. He kept his feet firmly planted in place, arms folding over his chest as watched the other with narrowed eyes.

"If you really want to know what it's like to be bothered by me, take a seat, Akechi, I can go for hours."

"Please," Goro sneered, still refusing to move. "Give me your best shot."

This time, Ren did sit up and toss something at Goro. Upon reflex built from experience in the Metaverse, Goro caught it with his left hand and opened it; he had to work to make sure his jaw didn't drop but he was staring at the very, same king piece from their chess set, wrapped in the glove he had thrust into Joker's hands.

"You...why—why do you—"

"Have it?" Ren asked as he swung his legs off the lawn chair and jumped to his feet with surprising grace. He crossed over and closed the distance between himself and Goro. "I never let it go."

"Why?" Goro demanded, trying not to let his chest tighten.

"You owe me," Ren said simply, shrugging those shoulders like this conversation was entertainment for him and nothing more. It burned Goro inside. "We aren't done here."

"We were done the moment I put a bullet in your head, Amamiya," Goro derided and rolled his eyes.

"And then you put the second bullet in your own head in Shido's palace," Ren interjected and talked right over Goro's awkward and desperate grasp for a comeback or retort. "To save us."

Ren leaned in closer and narrowed those brilliant, gray eyes. Goro felt his breath hitch in his throat although he didn't dare make a sound in fear of giving away his sudden and newfound nerves.

"You came back," Ren continued, speaking as if this was the first time he got to use his quicksilver tongue in years. "And you fought beside us—me when the Phantom Thieves didn't."

"And you believe that means something?" Goro said scathingly, hoping his abrasion would be enough to deter the teen...or perhaps at least grant him some space.

"You believe it means nothing?" Ren pressed, closing in on Goro's scattered and vulnerable emotions. "Tell me that then."

Goro felt his throat dry up at the challenge.

"You can't," Ren replied complacently, lips curving up into their familiar smirk. However, it faded as he spoke again. "You can't dismiss what we had together in the Metaverse. I know I could rely on you to be on my left and I know you could rely on me to be on your right."

So, he did think they made the perfect mirror image of one another…

"You can't forget what we became when we became allies and fought together," Ren plowed on, eyes never wavering and voice never faltering from its sudden passion. "Unstoppable."

It was, without a doubt, true. Goro never felt true power when it came to fighting alongside Ren.

"I trusted you with my life and I know you trusted me with yours."

Once again, Goro knew it was true. He would gladly put his life in Ren's hands and he would give up his own for Ren's—he would do anything. It was liberating to fight beside Joker and unleash the rage and anger he harbored and built-up during his times in reality. He remembered the epinephrine coursing through his body and to his heart and mind, blinding him with a white-hot rage that consumed all sense of rationality. Joker was there by his side, his exhilarated laugh encouraging Goro to let go. Together, they would go on a frenzied rampage, spilling blood as if it were merely water.

"I did…" Goro said softly, hands twisting before he ran them through his hair to keep them busy. "I do…"

It was the hallelujah that Goro had been holding back.

Sorry, all! I'm cranking these chapters out too quickly and making them too long. I just get very inspired at the most random hours of the day.