Author's Note
Sorry for the long delay again. Recently I've got my first COVID vaccination dose last month on May 29, and I've gotten my second dose back on July 3. The only symptom I had for my first dose was only a sore left arm where I took it, but the second dose not only had the same for my right arm (which I would call a complete set since I thought of calling the COVID vaccine doses as a two-parter), but unfortunately also fever, slight headache, chest pain and mild dizziness. Luckily after taking a single tablet of Tylenol, most of the associated symptoms have went away beneficially. For the most part, I am now fully vaccinated, and I wish the best of luck for many of those who are getting their vaccinations and hope on ending the pandemic soon enough.
Also, after 10 months of patient waiting, new information on Fena: Pirate Princess had finally been revealed, which will be coming this summer (which I knew would come around that time) to Adult Swim's Toonami and on Crunchyroll before its eventual Japanese release on October 2021 (which scared me at first thinking it was delayed but luckily it wasn't); the unveiling of updates and details on the characters (I think the main titular pirate princess character Fena Houtman and the gunslinging ninja pirate girl Karin are already my favorite female characters (and show's favorites in general) from the show), direction and the reveal of more animation are all hype-inducing and my built-up excitement for it had exploded like a supernova once I've seen the new visuals, characters, news and trailers for Fena.
Have been catching up on movies I haven't seen yet during the pandemic, including Nobody, Spirit Untamed, Chaos Walking, The Croods: A New Age and more, yet I'm still disappointed that I cannot see new movies in my region until the lockdown has been lifted later on... Anyways, I've been worldbuilding the future of The Critique Universe and I am still hyped and aiming to expand the cinematic literary universe after the second season of this story. Also updated the Ready Player One review episode with added dialogue and extras here and there in the meantime.
In this fourty-fourth review episode, team RWBY cover the first of two game reviews for the SNES per their attorney friend Athena Cykes's request, which was the movie-licensed game Bebe's Kids, based on the 1992 animated film starring Faizon Love.
BEACON
8PM
A couple hours after dinner, team RWBY and the other guests were starting to settle in their rooms for the night. It was two days left until the end of their social event, and the fourth day was going to enter its fifth in said event.
Borrowing Athena's SNES for their next reviews that she requested to them, team RWBY promptly set the console up on their TV as they then heard a door knock again.
"Now what?", politely asked Ruby as she goes over to open the door, where the four of them then saw Athena's magician girlfriend (and adopted daughter of Phoenix Wright) Trucy Wright, "Hey, Trucy. Didn't know you were knocking, we thought it was your girlfriend Athena. What's up?"
Trucy said, "I've heard that my girlfriend requested you to review two SNES games, is that correct?"
"Yeah. We have no problem with it, and we thought it would be a great idea to review a few games to mix things up.", reasoned Yang.
Blake said, "We even did some commercial sessions in the past and we can do more of them in the future."
"Why did you visit us in our dorm at this time?", refined Weiss.
Trucy answered, "Oh, since you girls are reviewing a few of her games, I was hoping a doing a rendition of a song that I worked on for Athena some time ago and that we've sung when she was reviewing the Sega CD console a while back."
"Really? You'd do that? Wow.", astonished Ruby, "I presume it's a theme song?"
Trucy shrugged, "Maybe, maybe not. I also wrote the song to show my affection for Athena."
"I don't mind if it was sort of a love song, it seems like a pretty good theme song for our friend.", Ruby and Yang pleasures.
The magician girl says, "And seeing how we've become great friends, I was hoping on doing an alternate version for the four of you."
"Well, we've got the game console set up, so just do it. We're ready.", Blake and Weiss insisted.
Trucy then pulled out a guitar (which she brought with her) as she started singing the alternate RWBY edition of Athena's theme that she wrote;
Trucy: They're gonna take you back to the past, to pull these reviews out of their ass,
They rather have a crocodile hit them down and chomp on their crotch... They rather eat some rotten dog shit and drown it down with a taste of good scotch!
"We don't drink scotch!", team RWBY said mid-song.
Trucy: They're the world's biggest and greatest cynics, they're the Angry Video Game Huntresses,
They're the Angry Video Game Huntresses...
When the song was finished, the girls were surprised by how the song turned out.
Ruby and Yang says, "That was pretty nice. The lyrics kinda sounded a bit vulgar, but pretty much sums up how bad some games from the past can go."
"I learned that from Athena.", Trucy nodded, considering that she has listened to Athena's rants on several games and such in the past she reviewed on.
Blake and Weiss thanked, "Thanks for your contribution. Now we're gonna get started."
"Alrighty then. Can hardly wait to share your stories once you're finished with them.", the magician girlfriend of Athena happily said as she left the room.
Ruby obliged, "Same.", before she started, "Hello, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss."
Team RWBY said in unison, "Were gonna play it so you don't have to.", before the red-haired leader of the group said, "Only for tonight, we're the Angry Video Game Huntresses. What we are gonna do though is do two game reviews, the first being a godawful video game based off of a godawful feature film. I'm of course talking about the horrors of Bebe's Kids."
Team RWBY's Game Commentary of Bebe's Kids (SNES)
"For those of you who are fortunate enough to pass this movie up, I'll give you the premise. The film is about a guy who has to take three bratty kids to an amusement park as they do nothing but cause trouble and panic. The film was so bad that even the trailer couldn't make it sound good. I mean, listen to this tagline!", Ruby explained as they played the movie trailer with the tagline being 'it's animation', "And that's about all they can say about it. They can't say it's a good film, a funny film, or even a film. All they can say is, it's animation."
Yang replied, "It's pretty bad. Because someone at Paramount foolishly thought this film would be a hit, they did a video game tie-in for the Super Nintendo. Now this film was based on the stand-up comedy of Robin Harris, which he based on real life events. So let me get this straight. We're reviewing a game based on a movie based on a stand-up based on some woman's annoying kids? Well, if that's not the set up for the best damn video game in the world, we don't know what is! Let's review this fucker.", as they started the game after saying this.
Bebe's Kids (SNES)
"Alright, Bebe's Kids, here we go. So it starts off with you entering the theme park Funworld. Well, if you gotta put the word fun in the title, chances are it's not gonna be that enjoyable. Now you can either be a boy named Kahlil or a girl named LaShawn, and we're gonna choose the boy Kahlil. So you start off in the amusement park, and the first thing you notice is the sign behind you that says 'NO VIbES NO bEVIS, NO bEVIS NO VIbES'. Oh boy, we're in trouble. Not only does this not make any sense, but you notice that all the letters are capitalized except the letter B? Why the fuck is that?", said Blake.
Weiss emphasized, "Wait a minute, I just realized something. Bevis has the same number of letters as vibes. In fact, it has all the same letters! Vibes is actually an anagram for bevis. So much so that they don't even capitalize the B when they rewrite it. And the pattern is always one vibes, two bevises, never one bevis and two vibes. So if vibes is an anagram for bevis, bevis is an anagram for vibes, and they always come in the order one-two, one-two, that means... Absolutely NOTHING! We just wasted five minutes on this game and we haven't even pushed a button yet!"
"Alright, so you're walking through this amusement park, though it isn't really as much walking as it is swimming through air, and you come across these people in costumes.", describes the leader of team RWBY during their playthrough, "They don't seem to be bothering me, so we just decide to move on. Oh, well the screen won't let me leave, okay. So I guess we have to beat these guys up. Okay, that's kinda cool, you get to hit people in the crotch? Maybe this game won't be so bad after all. Yeah, take that ya mousy nads! Oh my God, we will never get tired of this."
5 seconds later...
The elder sister of Ruby Rose impatiently said, "Oh my God, we are so tired of this! These characters take forever to kill! And they move around so much that they're hard even to hit. Wait, his head fell off, okay that must mean we're close, right? Thank God, we don't think we could've taken much more of this."
10 seconds later...
"Oh my gods, we can't take much more of this!", groaned the Faunus before they manage to trap one of the enemies as they fought them in the game, "Okay, alright, we got one in the corner now, this oughta make things go faster."
20 seconds later...
The Schnee heiress yelled, "COME ON! DIE! DIE, GODDAMMIT! DIE!", before they finally defeat one of the enemies as they take care of the other, "Oh, thank the gods! Now I have to get this asshole right. By gods, we hope he goes down a lot faster than the other guy."
30 seconds later...
"Oh, sweet buttery- This is like a test in psychological torture! Just die! Die! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!", angers the red-black-haired huntress as she and her teammates chant the last part of their remark together before they defeat the enemy at last, "Ha ha! We beat him, we actually beat him! There is a go-"
Then suddenly, the timer runs out and the text 'Time's up' is shown on screen.
Team RWBY were unsatisfyingly shocked.
"A time limit?", Yang asked, "There's a time limit?", responding in a moment, "I can eat my way through a WALL faster than I can defeat these assholes, and there's a TIME...LIMIT?!", her lilac eyes turning deep blood red in fury, as she was about to destroy the console as a result.
Blake told, "Yang. Please calm down. We can still try again. If it turns out to be worse, we could destroy the game if so."
"Sorry.", the blonde huntress apologized, "Didn't want to be a little carried away."
Weiss supported her girlfriend, "Well, you shouldn't. This time, we shouldn't fight the enemies and just avoid them. That way it'll be easier to beat the level."
"I suppose so.", Ruby said as the four resumed playing.
The black-haired huntress continues, "Alright, so in case you missed it, it took me a total of 35 hits to take down just one of these guys. THIRTY FIVE HITS. Why are you even trying to hit them? They're barely touching you. All they do is stand there and act like they're posing for GQ or something. Okay, let's try this again, maybe there's something we're missing. We'll try the girl this time, maybe she's a little faster.", as the four decide to switch characters as the girl LaShawn in the game before testing, "Oh wha- she's the exact same speed! In fact, I think she might even be a little slower! You bag of ass!"
"Wait a minute, what's that? It's a baseball! Good gods, there's actually weapons in this game. Okay, so pick up the baseball, good...and throw it...", the white-haired huntress said as she tried throwing the ball in the game in order to fight the enemies, "And throw it... THROW IT, YOU BITCH! Oh my God, how do you throw this thing?", as Weiss arguably complains about this, "It's not A, B, X, Y, it's not even L or R. Will 'Select' work? No, so what the fuck do we do? What, are we supposed to just look at it? By the gods, somebody help us out!", then disgruntled.
"What, what was that? WHAT WAS THAT?!", exclaims Ruby when they had the character in the game do an uppercut, "How the fuck did we do that? Is it A and B, no, is it X and Y, no, L and R, no- Oh, come on! There's not that many button combinations left!", as they figure out the button combination to do the uppercut in the game, "Wait a minute, there it is, there it is, I got it, I finally got it! OK, so what's the combo? L and Y, or is it R and X? Are you shitting me? Whoever heard of a special move that was just L or R and Y or X, we mean, what's the point? Why not just replace it with the kicking button, we mean, that's totally useless.", sighing, "Well, fuck it, let's just see how much damage we can do with this thing."
They fight the enemy with the now-learned uppercut attack in the game, and only defeats the enemies with only three hits.
Yang groaned, "...Oh, you gotta be kidding me, three hits? We could've killed these guys the whole time with just three hits?! This game is a bucket of balls!", commenting thereafter, "Now we know what you're thinking, couldn't we technically have checked the instruction booklet for that? Well, I think they're giving the people who bought this game a little too much credit. Like that they can read. Alright, so what's the throwing combo. L or R and B, well B's the jumping button, so that's already confusing but let's see if we can knock 'em out faster. Come here ya little fucks, COME HERE!", as they finally defeat an enemy with a baseball as a weapon during the playthrough, "Finally, so how many hits does it take to kill 'em with a weapon? Three. The exact same amount if you just uppercut them."
"Well, then what the fuck's the point of having a weapon then?", criticizes Blake, "We don't know, who gives a shit. Let's just move on to the next level. House of Glass, okay, so this should be at least a little bit of fun.", as they moved on to the next level, "Alright, so there's a baby, presumably PeeWee from the movie, dropping some glasses, and a guy, also presumably Robin Harris' character, catching them at the bottom. Okay, well good luck with that, we're gonna see where the real adventure is.", and team RWBY makes a realization when they find out they cannot leave the particular part of the level, "...We can't leave the screen, great, so we guess this is the adventure part. What a fucking load."
Weiss asked, "Alright, so do we catch these things too?", as they played and tested if they could catch the glasses the baby was dropping in the room but instead harms the player, "No, they hurt you. So you wanna stay away from them. Do I stop this guy? We can't seem to, so that's not it, do I stop the baby? Well, we can't reach him or climb up the shelves, so what the fuck do we do?", and is then surprised when they can break the glasses, "Oh, you break the glass? Well, how the fuck are we supposed to figure that out?", until the timer ran out once again, "Oh, great, now we're outta time. I really hate that fucking timer. So I guess we have to start over and break the glass again, right?"
That was when the four team members of RWBY saw the game respawn at the beginning, all over again after losing a life.
"WHAT?! THEY START US ALL THE WAY BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING GAME?! SON OF A BITCH!", Ruby raged.
The four members of team RWBY almost were about to take the game out of the SNES console and destroy it, but they soon decide not to for the time being.
The leader of team RWBY contemplated, "Okay, so we gotta go through all this shit again and make it to the glass shop.", as she and her teammates heard music excerpts in the game, "...By the way, that's just incredible music, isn't it? I mean, though the Mario and The Legend of Zelda games were amazing for having actual themes and memorable melodies, all you need is five notes repeated over and over and over in this game. Fucking ingenious.", sarcastically saying this before continuing, "Okay, here we are again, and in case you missed it, you have to somehow break the glass without actually touching it. This is sounding like a goddamn Zen riddle."
"I should also point out that you can only punch once while in the air. So why is the baby dropping more than one glass at a time? It's not like you can hit it.", exampled the elder sister of Ruby Rose, as they reached the House of Glass level again, "Fuck it, let's just get this over with. Alright, so I finally beat the glass level, what's next?", before the four then saw the next level being the same as the one before, "HOLY HELL! IT'S THE EXACT SAME LEVEL AGAIN?", her lilac eyes turning blood red in anger as she infuriated, "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK!", calming down after her outburst.
The Faunus described next, "Okay, so you go through all this bullshit again-", as she and her teammates defeated another enemy in the game, "Back off, you dipshits!", continuing, "And you get to the next level. Which is a haunted house... Fun.", explaining, "Here you have to battle mummies, damn annoying bats, and pictures that blow smoke rings at you. Why? We don't know. We stopped bringing logic into this long ago. So not only is this place filled with creepy ghouls and goblins, but it's also a FUCKING MAZE.", reacting, "Oh...that's just great. So you have to go in and out of these doors in order to get your way out of the house. But this is damn near IMPOSSIBLE seeing how every single room looks exactly the same. How are we supposed to remember which room I've been in? There's one part where you're pretty much trapped in this room and you have to find a way out. There's this black thing here, we guess that's supposed to be a mirror. Can we do something here? Doesn't seem to do anything."
"There's this weird animated picture of what looks like Spider-Man swinging by.", noticed the Schnee heiress, "Are we supposed to catch a ride with him? Please, Spider-Man, get us out of this hell hole! What are we supposed to do, the clock is ticking, we have no idea what to do! Do you want us to read a book? Will that make you happy you little-", before they go through a bookcase in the game which revealed a secret passage and causes them to be surprised, "...HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FI- Never mind.", saying, "Let's just get the hell out of here. Well, wait a minute, how come sometimes when we go through a bookcase we end up in a different room than we did before? Well, apparently going to the left side of the bookcase drops you off in one room, and going to the right side of the bookcase drops you off in another."
Ruby argued, "THAT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE! I mean, think about it! If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle. So, that means that there can only be one room, because if there's a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open! SO HOW CAN IT LEAD TO TWO SEPARATE ROOMS?! It can't, Bebe's Kids! It just CAN'T!", calming down and then told, "Apparently there's this weird thermometer at the top of the screen that slowly changes to red the closer you get to the exit, but so far it's just been blue because we have no idea how to get out of this place."
"Gods, how are we supposed to get out of here? Every room looks exactly the same.", confused Yang, "Still blue. Still blue.", as she goes to the next room in the game finding out it's starting to get closer to the end, "Wait a minute, it's changing, it's changing color! Alright, lemme try over here!", but sees that they went through the wrong door thus getting further from the end, "Ah, blue, dammit! And we can't go back in this fucking door. Let me try it again.", and says when Yang tries to pattern again, "Blue...blue...", then realizing they're getting closer to the end as she chooses the right door, "It's changing, it's changing! There it goes, it's getting darker! Oh my God, it's almost red! I knew it, I knew we could do it, I knew we could pull it o-"
And just like that, the timer runs out, thus stopping the level again.
Team RWBY were shocked and devastated.
Yang then fell on her knees and puts her head down, but not until moments later when she starts rumbling...
...and then Yang suddenly roared in anger as her lilac eyes turn blood red and the ends of her long blonde hair spike up, catching on fire furiously when her Semblance activated!
Yang tears the game out of the SNES, as she started smashing the game cartridge with her Ember Cecilia enragingly.
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!", yelled Yang as Ruby, Blake and Weiss were also angry at the game.
Then the four members of team RWBY took turns letting their rage out on the cartridge, with Ruby punching the cartridge, Weiss jumping and stomping on it, Blake gnawing on the cartridge angrily, Yang slamming her fists on it like a drum, Ruby using her Crescent Rose to shoot the cartridge, Weiss and Blake using hammers to smash it, Ruby spitting at the cartridge, and finally Yang crushing the wrecked cartridge with her boot-clad foot.
After this, the four girls finally settle down after the destruction of the Bebe's Kids cartridge, while Yang's blood red eyes turn back to normal lilac as her blonde hair falters back down after her Semblance wears off.
Ruby simply finished, "...THIS IS THE WORST GAME WE'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! It sucks ass, it sucks balls, it just...sucks! Well, if you think this game is gonna get rid of us, you are much mistaken. Sure, I may need a night to recover from this, but that doesn't mean you've heard the last of me."
"All we can say...is fuck this game!", Yang concluded the review, "Putting that aside...", as she pulls out the Blues Brothers NES cartridge, "There's one more game for now we gotta do."
End of Team RWBY's Game Commentary of Bebe's Kids (SNES)
Up Next: Team RWBY's Game Commentary of Blues Brothers (SNES)