In this fourty-sixth review episode, Ruby and Yang review another horrible 2005 video game adaptation from director Uwe Boll called Bloodrayne, and Miria, Celty and Mika all return to review another take on Boll's video game movie formula.
BEACON
6AM
The morning after on the start of the fifth day of their social event, team RWBY wake up after playing and covering up two awful SNES movie-licensed games being Bebe's Kids and Blues Brothers. Rachel, an acquaintance and friend of Miria Harvent, had dropped by to remind the four that Miria, Celty and Mika were open to do another review with them for fun.
"Two more days until the social event ends...", groaned Ruby, "Time sure is starting to go fast."
Yang yawned, "Well, those movie-based games last night were a pain in the ass. Very hard and displeasing, but at least we tried something different for the subject. Still won't change that we're huntresses for the most past."
"Besides commercials.", Blake and Weiss pointed out and referenced.
Ruby agreed, "Yeah. Maybe we should start the morning off by doing another movie to get the bad games out of our heads. Maybe then, Miria, Celty and Mika could join us."
"What movie in particular?", Blake and Weiss questioned politely.
Yang suggested, "Maybe we could do another video game movie called Bloodrayne."
"Bloodrayne... Seems like it's pretty bad. Made by the same director who did Alone in the Dark, the movie I covered up with our friends back when we visited Edo Island.", recognized the younger tomboyish sister.
The elder blonde sister told, "And that director is none other than Uwe Boll."
"Aren't his films so bad they cause people to bash their heads in with a sledgehammer?", presumed Blake.
Ruby nodded, "You could say that.
"Well, we can see why you don't want to review it.", guessed Weiss.
Ruby revealed, "It's not the only reason. You see, the last time I did a Uwe Boll movie review with Miria, Celty and Mika, there's a...tradition we made. It's a long story."
"Anyway, Weiss and I are planning to go meet with the others for breakfast. You two go on ahead.", insisted Blake.
Weiss confides, "We'll catch up with you later. We're gonna meet the others to get breakfast prepared. Have fun."
"Alrighty!", eased Ruby, "Still eager for breakfast!"
Yang greeted, "We'll be fine. See you soon!", as their fellow teammates Blake and Weiss left the room.
"So, which movie shall we do next?", says Ruby, going over to the shelf where they keep their DVD/Blu-Ray collection, trying to find an interestingly bad movie they can review.
Ruby scrolls through their DVD collection where they find the movie Yang had suggested, called Bloodrayne. Taking the DVD case out from the shelf, the two sisters open the case, grab the disc, turn the TV on and set the movie up on the Blu-Ray disc player.
Both Ruby and Yang shortly after turn to see three people enter RWBY's dorm room, those three friends being Miria Harvent, Celty Sturluson and Mika Harima.
"It's time.", Miria anticipated.
Ruby and Yang smiled, "Indeed it is."
Ruby Rose, Yang Xiao Long, Miria Harvent, Celty Sturluson and Mika Harima's Commentary of Bloodrayne (2005) (Part 1)
"Uwe Boll, the most faithfully bad movie adaptor of video games since the directing team behind Super Mario Bros., returns with what many consider his crowning achievement of shit, Bloodrayne.", introduces Ruby.
Celty stated, "The movie, based on the classic video game, and by based, we mean more gangbanged and mutilated than a Game of Thrones character, once again demonstrates Boll's talent, if you can call it that, for cutting more corners than a paper snowflake."
"And if you thought the prestigiously-loved Twilight Saga was the worst disservice to vampires the world has ever known...it is, but this one's pretty bad, too.", Miria estimated, "Hey, Twilight love has been going around every now and then!"
Ruby started, "So, let's not waste any time, this is Bloodrayne."
Bloodrayne
"Hey, do we have to censor the lettering? Those two 'O's are looking pretty phallic.", Mika unsurely said as the movie's logo is shown during the opening titles.
Yang rested her case, "Hey, if the Aliens logo could get away with an I-gina, me and Ruby thinks we can let that pass."
"I wonder if the word 'special' is code for blackmailed for Billy Zane's credit.", pondered Miria as they read the credit saying 'Special Appearance By Billy Zane'.
Ruby dismisses, "We just assume most of Billy Zane's career is blackmail."
"We open up in...actually, we don't know. They never give a location or a time period, so that's already 'where' and 'when' of the basic five essential story elements ignored.", informed Celty, "Hell, let's just throw in 'why' in there, too, as we're sure most of the film will ignore that, as we see a team of wanderers led by Michael Madsen and his lion mane mullet."
The immortal grey-green-eyed brunette admitted, "The main thing I noticed throughout this movie is it just seems like Michael Madsen is drunk off his ass through the entire film shoot. Seriously, he just looks so drunk and miserable like they had to send a grip to his trailer and clean him up in a hurry, slap that ratty ass wig on his head, and maybe get a couple useable takes out of him."
"You can almost sense the grip just off camera with a Long Island iced tea waiting for the scene to end and for him to shamble over and take another drink.", supported the immortal motorcycle helmet-wearing girl before the five watch a scene with Michael Madsen's character Vladimir conversating with a bartender.
The brown-eyed immortal blonde summarizes the following part, "But one of them notices that the person next to him has little to reflect on.", as she, Ruby, Yang, Celty and Mika witness Matthew Davis' character Sebastian killing a vampire at the bar the same scene is set in as the vampire decomposes rapidly, but Vladimir and the bartender continue talking as if nothing happened; this confuses the five girls watching this scene.
"Moving on, I guess?", both the red-black-haired and blonde sisters presumes.
Miria questioned, "Nobody even batted an eye."
"Is this like an everyday thing?", thought Celty and Mika.
Ruby problematically said, "When did killing a vampire become yesterday's news?"
"Yeah, I don't care about that, and neither does Uwe Boll, but killing a vampire will never be a boring thing.", shared the brown-eyed blonde girl of her opinion.
Knock, knock, knock.
"Who is it?", Yang asked.
The door opens, as their Sword Art Online friend Sinon comes in.
"Hey, Sinon. What's up?", Ruby asked.
The blue-haired sniper asks, "Good. You?"
"Same. We were reviewing a movie called Bloodrayne before we have breakfast, and we've wanted to ask just a question for the time being. Would you kill a hostile vampire like in the movies, Sinon?", Miria said.
Sinon pondered, "Well, I do know for a fact that The Twilight Saga has a different anatomy of vampire slaying for a fact, or that not all vampires may be evil... I guess it would be awesome to kill a hostile vampire like the ones you said."
"Even a Nazi vampire?", shrugged Mika.
Ruby agreed, "Yeah, it seems that Nazi vampires might have been all the rage years back... Maybe?"
"Ever since they've done Nazi zombies with Dead Snow and Overlord before.", mentioned Yang.
The blue-haired tomboy answered, "Technically, I don't remember there being Nazi vampires, but don't me started on that obscure 70s vampire film called Suckula. Saw that before and I pretty much hated it. Wasn't even about vampire killing at all."
"What's Su-", confused Ruby.
Sinon told them, "Just forget that. Anyways, gonna go get Leafa and the others ready for breakfast. Maybe meet up with Kasuga and her friends too while I'm at it. See you in a bit."
"Alright.", Ruby, Yang, Miria, Celty and Mika accepted, "See ya!", as Sinon leaves the room; the former two huntress sisters simply said, "What a charm.", before the leader of team RWBY continued, "We then cut to a carnival where a half-human, half-vampire named Rayne, played by Kristanna Loken, is dragged out as a sideshow attraction."
The brown-eyed immortal blonde said as they saw the ringmaster Barker in the film give an example of how Rayne was sensitive to water by testing it on her arm with a barrel of holy water, which burns Rayne's arm like acid, "Wait a minute, was that holy water?"
"Well...", the elder sister of Ruby Rose touched both her index fingertips.
Miria turned to ask Ruby and Yang, "So how the hell did it burn her?"
"Honestly, Miria, this may be the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires. You can make up anything. If someone wants to say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now.", lectured Ruby.
The immortal motorcycle helmet-wearing girl supports, "And if somebody wants to say that there's no way they can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too."
"Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...it's totally okay?", realized the immortal brown-eyed blonde girl.
Yang and Mika both said, "Correct."
"Now I know! And knowing that makes it even more confusing.", confused Miria.
The immortal grey-green-eyed brunette continues, "But one of the other circus attractions, the Amazing Candle Slicer, takes a liking to Rayne and dreams of living in a better world with her."
"We then cut to her...escaping? Wait, when did that happen?", bemuses the red-black-haired huntress as the film's next scene showed Rayne escaping before screaming out in agony, and then revealing she was dreaming.
The brown-eyed blonde immortal assumes, "Ah, I guess she was just dreaming."
"Does she always dream in Photoshop smears?", asked the blonde huntress, as the next snippet has Rayne taking out the person who restrained her with a glass bottle and makes her escape.
Celty said during that part, "Yeah, as if we would need to be drunk to get through this movie, too.", just as when Rayne bites the man's neck, it suddenly flashes back to the earlier scene right after Rayne screamed in agony during the escape.
"Wait a minute, now she's back in the field. What the hell's going on? Is this a dream, a flashback, what? Frank Miller's timecodes are more fluid than this!", preferred Miria.
Mika resumes the story, "The three hunters come across the carnival where Rayne was and discover it's burnt to the ground.", when Sebastian and Vladimir in the film arrive at the scene and started chopping Rayne's victims' heads off, while a woman stabs an injured female performer in the chest presuming she was seemingly bitten by Rayne.
"Um, thank you for chopping off the heads of our dead people...and then burning their bodies...and stabbing our performers. We're sorry, have you been helped?", rectified the leader of team RWBY.
The immortal motorcycle helmet-wearing girl substantiated, "Seriously, do these people ever react to anything? Why does nobody care that these whackos are chopping up their dead and living cast members?"
"Just another fad gone passé, I guess.", the brown-eyed immortal blonde theorizes.
Knock, knock, knock.
The elder sister of Ruby Rose asked, "Again?"
The door opens to reveal Sinon again, this time with her elven girlfriend Leafa.
"Hey.", Sinon greeted, "Just came back to tell you that Alice and Asuna are having trouble waking up and they're already starting to get ready for breakfast. Kasuga's almost good to go, and Leafa is ready as ever."
Leafa says, "Sinon told me that you guys were reviewing the Bloodrayne movie... I take it that you guys aren't enjoying it as much as that Alone in the Dark film you and our immortal friends Miria, Celty and Mika did, right, Ruby?"
"So far, yes. Second, Yang didn't review that other Uwe Boll movie, but she acknowledges that I've reviewed it already.", Ruby told, "As long as this film doesn't happen something bizarre like ninja decapitated corpses, it wouldn't be even worse."
The immortal grey-green-eyed brunette replied to Ruby, "That's what I was going to say. They'd sneak without thought..."
"Anyway, I'm craving to drink some orange juice with my breakfast this morning. We'll make sure the others will meet up at the cafeteria soon.", Leafa ensures.
Sinon then said to Leafa, "That's my sweet speedaholic elven girlfriend...", as both their foreheads touched each other's romantically; Sinon then answered, "Blake and Weiss are also waiting, so we're eating soon. Our friends are getting ready as well, so we'll meet up with them too."
"Sounds good to us!", Yang thumbs-upped as Sinon and Leafa left the room and closed the door, "They such are a cute couple."
Miria then moves on to the next scene of the Bloodrayne film, "Meanwhile, at Castle Brownfilter, we see Billy Zane dictating a letter to his daughter.", as the five observe the part with Zane's character instructing his assistant to write a letter for his daughter as he spoke what needed to be written.
"I wonder if he'd add on that letter, 'And if you have any information about how to get this dead skunk off my head, it would be most appreciated.'", joked the red-black-haired huntress as they watched the remainder of the scene they were watching, "Bottom line. Lovejoy...", telling the others, "In unison, girls...", as Ruby, Yang, Miria, Celty and Mika all mimic Caledon's line from Titanic, "Find her."
Celty synopsizes, "His daughter in this film is played by Fast and Furious actress Michelle Rodriguez, and if you couldn't tell by her unbelievable resemblance to him, surely you could tell by her pitch-perfect, completely unmistakable British accent.", before she and the other four watch and hear Rodriguez's British accent in a few excerpts.
"Ah, it's good to know those years of the Dick Van Dyke School of Accents paid off.", imagined the brown-eyed blonde girl.
The blonde huntress then describes, "We see Rayne enter a village where she comes across a female vampire hitting on a man...which clearly Rayne takes as she would find her attractive and beckons her to come forwards. Man, we are gonna get some lesbian action here!"
This part shows Rayne about to kiss the female vampire, but suddenly instead bites her.
Ruby, Yang, Miria and Celty surprised during that part, "Bow-chika-wow-OW!"
"Bow-wow-wow, yippie-yo, yippie-YOW!", referenced Mika, before she then told, "But a fortune teller sees the bit and run and decides, for really no reason whatsoever, to tell her the future."
Miria mimicked after the five see the excerpt with Rayne and the fortune teller, "Yes, you've been displayed in front of dozens of people and killed off an entire carnival singlehandedly. You're better than Solid Snaaake.", but the fortune teller then responds to Rayne's news that her vampire father killed her mother and dismisses it as a happy union.
"So you mean your vampire father killing your mother was a happy union?", exasperates Ruby.
The brown-eyed immortal blonde facepalmed, "Boy, somebody's in denial.", recapitulating afterwards, "Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, we see Ben Kingsley, presumably paying off an LED TV, as Rayne's evil father. He's just been told that Rayne is off to get a magic eye. Sure, which is said to help get his attention."
"Something you'll notice very quickly is that Kingsley's scenes are phenomenally short. Some barely even reach a minute.", proclaimed Yang.
The younger sister of Yang Xiao Long added, "They're so short, we think he literally charged by the second. You could pretty much sum up every scene with, 'Are you evil?', 'Yep.', 'Just checking.'", confusing the five girls by this film's part.
"Anyways, Rayne then makes her way to the monastery where the Eye is said to be hidden. She finds a secret location which leads her to a door guarded by an overcooked Fester Addams.", the motorcycle helmet-wearing immortal abstracted.
Miria said as they watched the next snippet where Rayne tries to get the cross from a grotesque guard's neck until he wakes up and starts fighting her with his hammer, swinging it at her and towards the camera shot, "Look out! You nearly hit the camera!", before the guard hits the pillars when trying to fight her with his hammer.
"Is this really the best security they could get? Just because he looks like a melting candle of Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't mean his whack-a-mole method holds any water.", the elder sister of Ruby Rose asks just when Rayne finally defeats and kills the guard by smashing his head in.
The immortal brown-eyed blonde girl stated, "Next, she enters a booby-trapped room that makes Indiana Jones look like a true life drama.", the girls reacting to the booby-trapped room's razor-sharp blades sweeping across the room.
"By the gods, they got the security system from Itchy & Scratchy!", Ruby and Yang horrified as they both imagine Daffy Duck and Woody Woodpecker bouncing around the room.
The grey-green-eyed immortal brunette bewilders when they saw Rayne somersault and narrowly dodge the sharp blades, "Yeah, right! I think we all know what would happen to her.", as she imagined the same scenario but Rayne come apart into pieces.
"But the dangerous water is suddenly released...yeah, that's still a thing...as she absorbs the power of the Eye which makes her immune to it.", outlined the tomboyish leader of team RWBY.
Miria thought as Rayne held onto the ceiling from the dangerous water until the case containing it dropped, "Wow! Imagine there was a really cool voice being like, 'Activating the water trap for the device that makes you immune to the...water...trap.'"
"Hey, here's an obvious question. What if the person getting the Eye wasn't a vampire?", Celty speculates, "I mean, okay, the whole 'vampires melt in water' thing is stupid already, but what if it wasn't a vampire that got it, though? What if it was just a normal guy? Would the water really be that big a threat? I don't think so.", turning to Mika as the brunette smiled at her fellow immortal friend.
Yang recommences, "But all the water, all the buzzsaws and all the giant guards are no match for their final defense... A polite man who nicely asks her to come with him!", as she and Ruby watched the scene before Ruby jumps into Yang's arms, the former red-black-haired sister saying, "Hold me!", as Miria, Celty and Mika were surprised; the Monk in the movie then told Rayne that she had absorbed the Eye's powers and is immune to the water.
"Still wondering how it hurts her to begin with!", frustrates the brown-eyed immortal blonde girl, "The human body is 60% water, and blood is 80% water! Now how the hell-"
The blonde huntress eased, "No, no, no, no, Miria. You're thinking too hard about this. Just let it go. It's hard seeing you be this emotional since your sad historically lore-filled backstory you've told us about back in Edo Island."
"B-but it just doesn't add up!", dissatisfies Miria.
The immortal motorcycle helmet-wearing girl enlightened, "Just keep telling yourself it's Uwe Boll, Miria."
"So it's explained that the Eye and three other separated body parts belonged to a vampire who tried to perfect their weaknesses, and that if the body parts were all brought back together, it would make the most powerful vampire ever.", the red-black-haired huntress explains.
The blonde brown-eyed immortal corrected in irritation, "One, if he ever managed to pull this off, then how the hell did he ever die? Two, if they're so powerful, why didn't they just destroy the damn things to begin with? This movie is driving me crazy!"
"Come on, Miria, you gotta calm down now...", Mika compassionately said.
That was before Miria pulled out and started reading a Bloodrayne comic book she had brought in an attempt to calm herself down, as she said, "You know, this Bloodrayne comic actually does make me feel better, actually."
"I can see that the comic may be better than the movie...", Celty surmises, before she summarized, "But Kagan's men attack in probably the bloodiest and yet somehow not actually gory fight scene in movie history. The make-up is so fake and poorly photographed that it's barely worth the R rating.", whilst they watch the violent fight scene, "Look at this guy. He's cut in half but you can clearly see his legs standing up."
Ruby shrugs off, "Well, you don't know. Maybe Wallace made him a new pair of extra legs like in The Wrong Trousers."
"Half of these don't even look that pained to be stabbed. They just look kind of annoyed like they've been in the make-up chair for eight hours and just want this crap off.", noticed Miria as they continue watching the fight scene, with the monk getting killed in the process.
Yang commented, "Rayne gets knocked out, but that's of little consequence as we have more important things to focus on."
"Like hey, it's been ten minutes. Time for another five second Ben Kingsley cameo.", figures the leader of team RWBY when a scene with Ben Kingsley's character making another cameo and then biting a random woman is shown.
The immortal brown-eyed blonde reckoned, "Yeah, all he's gonna do is rip open your neck and feed on your insides. I can see why Rayne thought her mother and him had a happy union."
"And just when you think this is the most pointless celebrity cameo, take a look at who they got to play the owner of the vampire feeding house.", the immortal grey-green-eyed brunette signals before the movie revealed the musician Meat Loaf's role as Leonid.
Ruby and Yang asks, "Is that Meat Loaf?"
"Yep.", Miria, Celty and Mika said, the former and latter smiling except Celty since she was wearing her motorcycle helmet at all times.
"Wearing a 19th Century powdered wig?"
"Yep."
"Surrounded by whores and giving a performance more over-the-top than a kabuki pole vaulter?"
"Yep!"
The elder knuckledusting sister of Ruby Rose cheered and acclaimed, "Oh my gods!"
"This is comedy overload!", the younger scythe-wielding sister of Yang Xiao Long said.
Miria and Mika rolled their eyes in amusement.
Celty answered, "You better believe it."
To be continued...