Ruby Rose, Yang Xiao Long, Miria Harvent, Celty Sturluson and Mika Harima's Commentary of Bloodrayne (2005) (Part 2 - Final)

"You done?", Miria enjoyed as Ruby and Yang finally calmed down from the excitement of Meat Loaf's involvement and appearance in the film.

Ruby smiled, "Yes. Case in point, me and Yang had plenty of time to put together some Meat Loaf jokes. So let's shake this up and see what we can get!"

"What kind of jokes?", Celty asked.

Yang humorously stated, "'Ladies and gentlemen, Wolfgang Amadeus Meat Loaf!'", as the five laugh to this.

"Good one! Or how about, 'How is it he managed to find a role even more demeaning than Bitch Tits?'", Mika said.

Miria giggled, "Or maybe, 'Suddenly his role in Spice World is looking like a step up!'", the five girls laughing harder.

"'Just because you did wear women's clothing in Rocky Horror doesn't mean you have a perfectly good excuse to wear it here!'", mocked Ruby.

Celty adds, "'We know you're prostituting yourself to be in this movie, but you didn't have to make it quite so obvious!'"

"'It's midnight at the Lost And Pray-to-the-Gods Not Found.'", imitated Miria.

Mika told, "'This movie sucks!'"

"'Actually, they were just buying the clothes. It just so happened Meat Loaf came with them.'", Miria then said.

Yang jested, "'A Meat Loaf a day keeps the subtlety away!'"

"'I still like this movie better than To Catch A Yeti.'", quipped Celty.

Miria finished off the last joke, "Or finally...", as she, Ruby, Yang, Celty and Mika sang, "'I would do anything for Boll...but I will...not...act!'"

"Thank you!", applauded Ruby and Yang as they finished the joke count for Meat Loaf from the film.

Afterwards, the brown-eyed blonde immortal continued the story, "But Three Little Wigs from school break in and try to bust her out. They, of course, have to fight off some dangerous foes."

"Woop, let's turn you around, buddy. There you go.", mimicked the red-haired huntress as Vladimir helps Sebastian kill one of the vampires during a fight scene.

The immortal motorcycle helmet-wearing girl said, "They cut off the guards and break open the window to make Meat Loaf face everything under the sun.", as the film showed the death of Meat Loaf's character as he was burned to ashes by the sunlight, yelling just before his demise.

"Oh, how nice, he did the Colossus yell before he died.", the blonde huntress referenced again.

Miria said, "So Rayne explains her backstory, which was already explained, about how Kagan broke in and killed her mother."

"One of the hunters in particular, named Sebastian, takes sympathy on her as his parents were killed, too.", the immortal grey-green-eyed girl told as a scene between Rayne and Sebastian happened seconds before the two started having sex abruptly.

The immortal brown-eyed blonde girl shrugs, "Well, that's enough for me to start banging."

"Wait a minute, what?", Ruby rose an eyebrow.

"Yep. The fact that they both have dead parents is reason enough to make vampire whoopie."

"How much screen time have they shared together?"

"Well, let's see... Actually, a minute."

"One minute together and they're now fucking in a cage like horny canaries?"

"Yep."

Yang answered, "Where the hell did that come from?! That makes no freaking sense!"

"Oh, please, who hasn't just met a person in jail, talked for only a minute, confessed his parents are dead and humped each other's brains out in the middle of a half-open prison door?", Mika suggested, before Ruby, Yang, Miria and Celty turn to look at her, "...Speaking hypothetically."

Miria synopsizes, "So as they train her to be a member of the Brimstone Warriors, Billy Zane gets word of his daughter's actions. Hey, here's a fun game. Count how many times Billy Zane blinks in every scene.", as they observe the next scene featuring Billy Zane's character.

"That's nothing. Count how many times Michael Madsen pauses in between every single line.", challenged Celty as they watch another part with Michael Madsen's character Vladimir, "He's making William Shatner look like the Micro Machines guy!"

The leader of team RWBY continued, "As our heroes go to get weapons for battle...nothing but the best plastic, non-sharp Toys R Us can buy...we see Rodriguez has betrayed her clan and leads Kagan's army into their village.", as Michelle Rodriguez's character Katarin kills a defying woman just as she was driving her sword at her.

"I wonder if that woman's like, 'Oh, my bad. I thought we were doing a slo-mo scene. Maybe I should've pulled that out at regular speed.'", imagines the elder sister of Ruby Rose.

The immortal grey-green-eyed brunette abstracted when Rayne fights Katarin and kills her, "Rayne goes after Rodriguez alone and kills her while finding the other magic talisman."

"She finally rides to confront Kagan. And what's her ingenious plan to get in without getting herself captured? Get herself captured.", puzzled Ruby, "Feel like she missed a step there."

The motorcycle helmet-wearing immortal includes, "But it's okay, because Sebastian and Vladimir have an even better plan to get in without getting themselves captured...getting themselves captured too."

"Has the film just given up? Not that it tried that hard to begin with.", wondered Miria in bafflement.

Yang also stated, "So Rayne is gonna be sacrificed with the talismans to make Kagan the strongest vampire in the world or some shit like that. Honestly, if you still care, you should keep up the dosage of whatever you're taking.", while they saw Rayne bite a priest's hand after he brings a knife over, as Ben Kingsley's character Kagan shortly backhands the priest.

"Wow, I wonder if he says, 'How dare you strike my daughter who I'm about to kill!'", the immortal brown-eyed blonde girl considered.

Mika describes the following excerpt, "So this is when Michael Madsen does the weakest and stupidest attempt at the 'guard sick man' routine we've ever seen in our lives. The guy simply just walks into the cell looking for the magical disappearing prisoner and, of course, he gets knocked out. That line delivery is so bad, we can't even tell if it's done intentionally badly or not. It's amazing. How could anyone possibly believe a line so poorly delivered?"

"My companion is gone. I don't know what's become of him- Yeah, more like, 'Guard, these pretzels are making me thirsty. I don't know how I could've gotten so hungry.'", strategically says Celty, as she and Mika nod to each other in agreement.

Miria resumed, "Sure enough, the two guys that got captured taking on all the castle guards suddenly have no problem taking on the exact same guards again."

"Hey, it's Uwe Boll. I'm surprised they cared enough to do it right in the first place.", reasons the red-black-haired huntress.

The brown-eyed blonde immortal shrugs off, "Well, we guess Madsen felt the same. He gets captured, killed, and following the theme of the movie, couldn't give a rat's ass!", just before the five girls react to Kagan stabbing Vladimir as the latter showed no expression of pain, "My God, man, you're being stabbed! Don't you care?!"

"It's like he's barely awake!", both Celty and Mika said in unison.

The blonde huntress asks, "What would it take to get an actual emotion out of this guy?!"

"After Sebastian gets stabbed as well, and it's down to Rayne and Kagan to duke it out in a swordfight with more dialogue than Monkey Island fencing.", climaxed the immortal motorcycle helmet-wearing girl, with the girls watching the intense final fight scene between Rayne and her father Kagan, with the former ultimately injuring him by slicing his sides whilst Kagan claims his daughter as an ungrateful bitch.

The huntress sisters Ruby and Yang perplexed, "...Touché?"

"Ungrateful for what?", questioned Miria.

Both Celty and Mika blamed at the film, "Fuck you!"

"Rayne finally defeats him and the battle is won.", Miria climaxed when Rayne fatally stabs Kagan before the immortal watching this unenthusiastically responds, "Yay."

Celty imitates as they watched Kagan's death scene for when he decomposes, "This role still had more dignity...than the Mandarin in Iron Man 3...", while it showed Rayne tending to a dying Sebastian.

"But we had so much. Dead parents, jail door fucking...", mocked Yang.

The immortal brown-eyed blonde girl reveals, "And then a bizarre ending, even for Uwe Boll. Rayne takes the throne and thinks of all the time blood has been spilt in the movie.", as the movie's final scene showed a montage of the violent deaths from earlier in the film, edited in slow-motion.

"It does make me realize how many people apparently had red hoses buried in their bodies.", realized the grey-green-eyed immortal brunette.

Ruby says, "Yes, we have a minimum of one minute for romantic chemistry, a whopping couple of seconds for most of the villains' establishments, and yet over four minutes of replaying all the film's goriest moments in slo-mo that we already saw before!"

"At least he has his priorities straight?", Miria confounds, before she and the other four observe the last part of the film where Rayne rides off as the sunlight no longer affects her.

Celty and Mika shared a lesson, "We hope you see now why you should never leave your kids around Uwe Boll."

"As if this movie already wasn't proof enough.", both Ruby and Yang concluded sarcastically.

The five girls make their overall statement of the Bloodrayne film;

Ruby and Yang verdicted, "If the SyFy movie of the week is too good for you, then Uwe Boll is the one for you. Everybody else knows that his movies bite it, and this one is no exception."

"His characters are flat, his writing ridiculous, and his stories never make any semblance of sense!", hated the immortal blonde girl Miria.

The motorcycle helmet-wearing girl finished, "And the fact that it has little to nothing to do with the original source material makes it one of the most laughably bad adaptations ever."

"And hey, what else can you say but...", Mika said before she, Ruby, Yang, Miria and Celty all said in unison, "This movie sucks!"

Miria says to Ruby and Yang, "Thank you girls so much for doing another review for us."

"Our pleasure.", smiled Ruby and Yang, "Now...who's up for some breakfast?"

The three immortal girls Miria, Celty and Mika impresses, "Do we ever?"

"I bet Sinon, Blake, Weiss and all our other friends must be waiting for us. Let's go meet up!", planned Ruby, as she and the other four leave the room once finishing the Bloodrayne movie review.

And, along with the rest of their friends, team RWBY did have a great breakfast.

End of Ruby Rose, Yang Xiao Long, Miria Harvent, Celty Sturluson and Mika Harima's Commentary of Bloodrayne (2005)

Up Next: Blake and Weiss' Commentary of Jem and the Holograms (2015)