A/N: This and the next review episode will be split into three chapters each, before the Season 2 finale later on to set up the 100-chapter milestone for this ongoing story.
P.S.: Just realized that the Season 2 premieres in all three parts, covering up review episodes on Child's Play, Rogue One and Ready Player One, all share a connection with the movie titles since 'Play' and 'One' are used together with the latter's title, and also seeing how Cameron and Baiken have met and established a friendship after solely reviewing with RWBY for the premiere reviews of both Parts 1 and 2 before their meeting in the Season 2 Part 3 opener.
P.S.S.: Fena: Pirate Princess finally premiered and I watched the first three episodes dubbed (and subbed). It was incredible after waiting over a year for this anime... I love it so far!
In this fourty-seventh review episode, Blake and Weiss review one of the worst movie adaptations that has to be seen to be believed. As they reflect how the cinematic adaptation of Jem and the Holograms compares with the original 80's cartoon, they will soon discover why the movie was truly, truly, truly pathetic.
BEACON
10AM
A few hours after breakfast as well as Ruby, Yang, Miria, Celty and Mika's review on the Bloodrayne film, Blake and Weiss had returned to the dorm room where they and their teammates Ruby and Yang reside.
Speaking of the two sister huntresses, Ruby and Yang had planned a day out to explore the town of Vale nearby the academy with Athena, Maka, Cameron, Baiken, Yume, Sinon, Kasuga, Ibuki, Ty Lee and their friends. Blake and Weiss, as well as the rest of the guests, decided to stay for the time being whilst spending time together nonetheless.
The black-haired and white-haired huntresses were told their fellow teammates had reviewed the Bloodrayne movie, yet they've decided to review another film together for the time being while their friends are out.
The two of them chose to review the 2015 movie adaptation of Jem and the Holograms, based on the popular 80's cartoon.
"Hello, I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss."
"We remember it so you don't have to.", the two began.
Blake first said, "For the sake of this analogy to work, no, we didn't know much about the Jem movie. But the cartoon it was based on was everything the mass audience for it had dreamed of according to the 80's generation.", explaining about the Jem cartoon, "The original Jem and the Holograms was a slightly dated 80's cartoon. Just, just slightly."
"It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself. It was... It was Jem. Which is more than we both can say for the movie.", then says Weiss.
Blake and Weiss' Commentary of Jem and the Holograms (2015) (Part 1)
Blake introduced, "The film is quickly being regarded as one of the worst adaptations of all time. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theaters in literally two weeks. Two weeks!"
"That's faster than deducing a usual suspect as a perpetrator! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show.", informs Weiss, "Is it worth all the hatred? Well, spike up your hair and ignore the little voice in your head saying 'This is wrong', This is Jem and the Holograms."
Jem and the Holograms (2015)
The Faunus started off, "You'll notice that this movie was made by BH Productions, known primarily for making horror films with the Blumhouse banner. That's so easy, we're just gonna give you a pass on that joke, movie. But you BETTER have tougher material for us later.", introducing the first scene of the film, "We open with performer and famed Sharknado star Audrey Peeples, playing Jerrica, who is making a video about how she became Jem.", as the opening scene showed the video of Jerrica explaining how she became popular.
"Yeah. Tell me more about how your sister shares everything in this TWO HOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW YOU BECAME A STAR. You know what, movie? We'll let this one pass, too. We don't want to take the first hit, but we don't want to be relentless on you either...", thought the Schnee heiress, "She lives with her aunt, Molly Ringwald. No, really. Molly Ringwald, the actress who played in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink, is in this."
The black-haired huntress said, "So, Molly, who has two foster daughters and, according to Jerrica...because in all bad movies, dead mothers don't mean shit.", reacting with Weiss to the scene when Jerrica explains how her father called her his diamond in the rough or his gem, "I bet she'll correct, 'Spelled with a J. He specifically said that every time.'", adding and also calling back, "He's working on a device called Synergy. Yep. That's the super computer from the show. Don't blink, or you'll confuse which one is which!"
"And, by the way, they never do say what he died of, but by looking at his INCREDIBLY deteriorating health, you KNOW it just had to be Broad-Shoulder-Itis. You know, the same that took her mother that doesn't exist.", the white-haired huntress mentions just before the opening scene ends and the film's title appears in static, "Oh, and by the way, that's not the title. They're just reminding you that you ARE watching Jem and the Holograms. You didn't wander into the wrong theater."
Blake pointed out, "I can't help but notice that the main characters do non-sexist things since she's living with many girls under one roof, like get in arguments on what clothes to wear. We may have gone through that in the past with our teammates ourselves, but it doesn't matter. It's almost like a 36-year old man wrote this- In fact, the screenwriter turned 36 after the film came out!", thinking of something, "You know what? Let's just measure the frustration of every pissed off Jem fan must be having with, say, a REALLY pissed off Jem fan with her hair serving as a mood ring."
"Or either like a chart or a thermometer! Blake, that's a great idea! I think I should make one on my Scroll since this Jem movie will start to be frustrating...", delighted Weiss before she computes a Jem fan rage meter on her Scroll with a picture of an animated drawing of a female Jem fan whose hair acts as the meter, with Weiss pressing an on-screen button which has one-seventh of the animated Jem fan's big blue spiky hair turning red from the bottom, "And trust me, we're gonna see a lot out of her."
The Faunus girlfriend of Weiss's said, "I bet we will."
"But it's okay, because they solve all their problems by humming in harmony.", resumed the heiress girlfriend of Blake's, "No, really. No matter what the issue is, that always seems to solve everything.", demonstrating by saying, "Let me try. It's like if I said at first, 'Blake! What is wrong with you lately?! You seem to ignore me and our teammates, you haven't spent time with us, and what's worse is that you didn't even get to kiss me since a long time ago!'"
The black-haired huntress answered, "And then I'd say next, 'I sincerely apologize for all the trouble... I don't know if there's anything I could do to make it up to you... But I love to kiss you, I respect you and our fellow teammates and I wish to spent as much time as I want with you. And I think I will start off by having this dance?'", romantically as she lends her hand to Weiss.
"'I love to!'", swooned the white-haired huntress as she took her hand, both standing up from their commentary chairs they usually use for their reviews, as she and her girlfriend waltzed around the room, while Blake was humming a C note as they danced.
They embraced slowly and smoothly, before they finished off with a passionate kiss as they finally sat back down on their commentary chairs.
The Schnee girl lectured, "And that is how the movie puts it in a way."
"We're gonna have another date later on if there's time, Weiss, my love.", Blake planned to Weiss as she makes her girlfriend's head tilt to look into each other's eyes, before the former continued the review, "So they decide to do a music video just for fun and, for some reason, think they're in a found footage movie, because they literally film everything they do. Okay, is it this movie's goal to make every previous generation hate this generation?"
Weiss agreed whilst watching the next snippet of the Jem film where the girls use their phone as their camera to make a video, as she used her Scroll with the computed animated angry Jem fan program she created, "Yeah, we're just gonna...", before pressing the button again and causing a two-seventh rage meter like in earlier, abstracting, "But they all want Jerrica to sing.", reacting when Kimber encourages Jerrica that she needs her, "I think you need her the same way your scrambled eggs need more salt. Kind of, but you can live without it."
"But things suddenly get forcibly serious when it looks like the house is going to be foreclosed on. We guess it looks like Molly Ringwald doesn't make the best money choices. I mean, she's in this film, isn't she?", the Faunus told, "If there's anything that The Three Stooges has taught us, it's that entertainment always saves heartfelt buildings.", also outlining in the next part of the film, "So she decides to film a video and, we're not even kidding, she does that thing where she films the intro like a million times."
The heiress reacted when said scene showed Jerrica attempting to make a proper intro for her music video, "Oh, she's shy. The movie's giving her permission to be an egomaniac later, because we know, deep down, she's really shy.", synopsizing after that, "And finally, Jerrica disguises herself in a wig and low lighting, calling herself Jem.", then uneasing as Jem began singing in her video, "And by the gods, am I the only one waiting for a monster to pop up any minute? Also, I bet the sisters would be like during Jem's song in the other room, 'WILL YOU SHUT UP?! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP!'", causing her and Blake to laugh.
The black-haired huntress synopsizes, "Jerrica, of course, wants to delete the video, but her sister uploads it, and...LITERALLY goes viral overnight. Somebody on an acoustic guitar singing about how they're alone? We have never seen this online!", also saying, "But Jerrica is sad that she has a huge moneymaking opportunity laid out for her. Oh, poor baby.", responding after she and Weiss watch a scene with Jerrica and her mother as the former tells her that the version that people want doesn't exist, "Again, I think that's what most of the fanbase has been saying."
"But her aunt convinces her to talk to the agent, all while this entirely pointless YouTube video of two dueling drummers plays.", the white-haired huntress told, "What is the purpose of that? Are they preparing a punchline drum beat when she says she wants to bring her sisters and their agent writes 'bye'?", revealing when she and Blake watch said part, "Oh, wait. I take it back. She doesn't write 'bye', she writes 'poo'. Seriously. That was the typo she made before she texted an apology and confirmation. Why are those two keys always together?"
Blake continued as they watch the next snippet, "So they're picked up by a driver/bodyguard.", before she and her heiress girlfriend heard the bodyguard's name was Zipper, causing Weiss to activate the animated Angry Jem fan computer program again with her scroll and pressing the button with a three-seventh rage meter this time, "And since we got the feeling you didn't hate the movie enough yet, here's Juliette Lewis. Or is that someone in a Juliette Lewis mask- No, no. That's her.", explaining, ""She plays Erica, the owner of Starlight Studios who's supposed to hammer in the message that big artistic corporations are bad."
"A special thanks to this big artistic corporate film for telling us that.", Weiss rolled her eyes, "The Schnee Dust Company on the other hand...", while she and her Faunus girlfriend see Erica ensure the confiscation of the girls' Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr and social media privileges which the two girls watching the film imagine the girls' heads explode, "Ooh, we just assume that's what happens when you tell a millennial that... Hate it when that happens."
To be continued...