Chapter 2: Normies, Explode!
Day 2
1st Floor - Tolbana
"I'm hungry, Kazuma," the blue thing groaned as she stirred beside him, her stomach growling the first thing in the morning, "I need my snacks."
"We'll need some Col for that," he breathed, turning away instinctively as he opened his eyes to her pouting face, "unless you can conjure up some bread and turn water into wine. But knowing you, you'll probably just convert wine into water and piss–"
"Purification!" she screeched, lunging at him as he wrestled back. For a good few minutes, they tussled with each other, tumbling across the cold floor until they were both out of breath, utterly drained from the happenings the day before that had felt like an entire lifetime.
"Let's kill some mobs for drops," he sighed, pushing her away as she panted like a mortal, "it's the only way to make money around here."
With that, he crawled to his feet and stepped outside - something he had rarely done back in the real world. Changing into her short blue dress, she followed closely behind, gaining lecherous glances and envious stares from male and female players alike as they strolled down the streets towards the quest board at the square.
"The town seems unusually packed," he stammered nervously as she smirked at his unease, enjoying every morsel of attention being cast on her, "I thought everyone would be fighting in the fields for gold and EXP at this hour."
"They're here to worship me, aren't they?" she gloated, ready to perform Nature's Beauty, only for him to grab her in the arms, attracting yet more glares of jealousy.
"You know, if we got a Col from every player here–"
"We'd still be sleeping in the stables the next time you enter a tavern," he snarled, causing all the onlookers within earshot to explode in a frenzy.
"T-They're sleeping together?"
"She's probably just his rental girlfriend."
"They could be siblings, you know?"
"A loser like him can't possibly–"
Argh, fukou da, he yelled, drowning out the cacophony buzzing around him. Pushing past the crowd, he stumbled towards the NPC lady in the low-cut dress who was standing patiently beside the board, determined to start the adventure of the day to turn his fortunes around.
"Luna, give us a good one - low risk, high reward," he requested, trying his best not to stare too obviously at her chest, not that she appeared to mind.
"You're in luck, Kazuma-san, bounties have tripled overnight due to low demand."
"H-Huh?"
"I'm not sure why either, but they've been saying–"
"Hey, this one is easy and pays well," the blue thing interrupted, not wanting any hearsay to get in the way of shiny treasure, "I'm sure boar meat would go well with sake too, at least better than giant toad."
God, no, not again.
"Unless you'd like to try dire-wolf steak," she pushed on, even as he shook his head, "plus we'll be getting 10,000 Col for each fang we turn in."
Wait, could you repeat that?
"10,000 Col for–"
Say no more, woman, sign me up! I'd be buying the whole stable and all the horses with that money.
A short walk down the deserted fields brought him to the spawn point, and he promptly equipped his beginner sword as he approached, cautious but confident. To a diehard like him who had lived through the beta, the mob, while tough, was not difficult to beat, and with a goddess by his side, albeit a useless one, it would be just a matter of time before they would return with the precious loot - so long as she stayed out of his way.
"Aqua, you'll be on support, so watch my HP and buff my DEF. Don't worry about coming near the frontlines, my LUK seems to be affected whenever you're within a three-meter radius."
"Suit yourself, hiki-NEET, just get us the fangs," she huffed, folding her arms, a little taken aback by the swipe but not minding the chance to sit out the battle.
"I'm sure we'll be getting more Col than you can spend at the bar," he chuckled as he pelted the creatures with stones and picks. Raising his blade to defend himself, he dodged as they pounced in retaliation, stabbing deep into the chest of the incoming beast to draw first blood with a swift stroke of luck.
Heh, who needs an Anneal Blade+6 and CRT when I have something better.
Furious growls turned his attention back to the wolves, and he charged up a Rage Spike, taking the initiative for the second strike. Within seconds, another canine died to his sword, shattering into blue shards, and he could not help but let out a grin of satisfaction, knowing that he was truly back in the game.
That's 20,000 Col in the bag, he snickered, glaring down the eyes that gleamed yellow. Having learnt their lesson, the remaining wolves altered their attack pattern as they lunged at him in unison, not that he really cared as he took the opportunity to slash one to score a hattrick, leaving the other two to come at him with full health to spare.
Meh, nothing a potion and my regen can't fix–
He certainly must not have expected the excruciation to surge through his bones as powerful jaws dug deep into his arm.
What the hell is this? What on earth was going on? He did not ever recall the sensations being so vivid and real, shockwaves of agony rippling through his flesh and ripping apart his soul. Stunned and paralysed, he could only stare wide-eyed as the predators flew in once more, biting his other arm, triggering lines of damage that did not bleed but burned to his very core.
"What are you doing!" she shrieked, no longer able to laugh as he winced and grimaced, overwhelmed by the trauma gripping his mind, "Stop fooling around and–"
Shut up and heal me, he gritted his teeth, freezing up in fear and dread as the beasts tore through his legs, sending him to his knees. Seconds passed like years as he waited for her help, but even as his supposed health was restored, the torment and suffering remained, unable to be erased by his will or her magic, radiating with equal intensity from invisible wounds all across his battered limbs.
Quick, use Sacred Dispel or Break Spell while I hold them off, he barely managed to whimper as she blasted away her SP to no avail. Alas, the phantom pain stuck on as if it was part of his being, not a mere curse or de-buff that could be removed by anything or anyone - and in that moment, he realised that this may very well be the punishment for breaking the rules of reality, the nightmare that was created and watched over by none other than the true god of the universe.
"Aqua, retreat!" he shouted, gathering all his strength just to warn her, "Something's wrong, I'll explain later–"
Yet she screamed before he could even finish.
Horrified, he turned to see her falling to the ground, pinned down by a pair of wolves that had spawned beside her, digging their claws into her face as she cried at the top of her lungs.
No, this can't be real. This can't be happening.
With high stats, she was certainly in no immediate danger of dying - not that they had the slightest idea what twisted fate would befall her should she disappear in a burst of light - but it could not have been worse than the sheer agony she must be feeling with every inch of her body. Still, she struggled to hang on to dear life and sanity, unwilling to give in to the mystery that awaited on the other side, an irony for a goddess who had sent so many on their way to the afterlife.
I'll get you back for this, Kayaba. I may be reborn yesterday, but I'll fight on like no tomorrow.
Clenching his fists, he tightened his grip on the sword that she had gifted him, focusing his mind on dispelling the pain that was but an illusion in a simulacrum. Gritting his teeth, he chanted the aria he knew, from the classic visual novel with the red-haired protagonist - if only to steel his utmost resolve to end the ordeal.
I am the bone of my sword.
Data is my body, and so is my blood.
Unknown to Death, nor known to Life.
Have withstood pain to destroy many enemies.
These hands will hold everything.
As I pray, hang in there and stay strong you useless goddess.
With that, he unleashed the full weight of his vengeance on the creatures, guided by pure instinct and years of experience, pummelling the beasts into absolute nothingness before carrying her and dashing back to town. She remained quiet on his back as he ran, her chest pressed against him as she leaned on him for support, and for a moment, as much as he hated to admit it, he felt a tingle on his spine.
Make no mistake, Aqua, I'm doing this because you helped me back there.
After all, you're a fallen angel and I'm a reconstructed hollow, we're both here just to fight.
"It's okay to come out, you know?" he assured as she hugged her knees and stared blankly at the wall, "We're safe here at the inn."
"I-It's dangerous out there," she shuddered, uttering her first words since the encounter, "and my face still hurts."
"Well, it takes time to recover," he exhaled, handing her 25,000 Col and a bottle which she proceeded to down without a care for the world. "Here's your share of the bounty minus the rent and the cost of that cage, drinks are on me."
"Bleh, root beer isn't beer, hiki-NEET."
"Fine, I'll have that," he snapped, snatching away the half-emptied receptacle to help himself as she stared in surprise.
"I-It's nothing, don't mind me," she looked away, laughing nervously as he glared back, confused. "Anyway, were there really no rooms with separate beds or did you just want to–"
"I'll be sleeping on the couch, thank you very much, unless you'd like me to lock you in there?"
"Don't be such a prude, I wouldn't mind sharing if you'd just say 'please' and beg a little."
"In your dreams, useless goddess," he retorted as she made herself comfortable on the mattress, unabashedly claiming the entire space for herself.
"It isn't too late to try," she purred coyly, removing her boots and wriggling her toes at him before he could leave.
"Go ask someone else," he grunted, slamming the door as he tried his best to forget how soft she had felt on his back just hours before.
No matter how she looks, she's probably way older than your grandma, he reminded himself, slapping the bad thoughts away as he strode towards the mausoleum in the setting sun.
Lit by torches, the solemn halls were dim in the descending darkness, though he could not help but notice that more names had been crossed out since his last visit. Shuddering in the cool dusk breeze, he quickened his pace, ignoring the imaginary spirits that seemed to lurk in the shadows, ghosts of players like him who had died too early, who were no longer able to reincarnate in the absence of the goddess who had become a useless blue thing.
Where do the dead go now? Are there other deities to replace her? If her powers are gone forever, does it mean that I'm the last person ever to live an afterlife? Does it mean that I've single-handedly disrupted the balance of the universe, that the only way to restore order is to clear the game and send her back to heaven?
God, this is some reverse isekai, isn't it? I'm supposed to be living the blessed life of a Light Novel protagonist in the wonderful world of Belzerg, getting the best girls while being worshipped as a hero - yet here I am in a nightmare of a floating castle, having chosen to respawn in a transient reality of all things, having to work my ass off to return her to her realm.
You must be joking. What happens at the end of this journey anyway? Would I disappear and cease to exist? Would re-establishing her powers be my only ticket to a better place? Would I really have to kiss her feet and make lo– I mean, make up to her? Not in a million years, I hope - the fate of humanity be damned.
So many questions, so few answers. The only way to find out was to fight through a hundred floors of hell, and to do that, he would need more firepower than he or the blue thing could ever muster, which was why he had come to the palace - to meet the only other person who knew his secret.
"Alone again?" she giggled, interrupting his thoughts, and he found himself staring once more at her bare midriff and short shorts, not that he would ever grow sick of the view.
"You brought a friend," he remarked dryly, motioning at the girl beside her who was clad in a red dress and an oversized hat, "I hope she isn't the one whom you were supposedly mourning last night."
"Don't be rude now, Kazuma, she's actually here to join your party."
"I don't need–"
"Waga na wa Megumin!" the girl introduced herself before he could turn her down, waving around a spear-like weapon that was somehow classified as a 'staff', "I'm the number one arch-wizard of Aincrad, and I command the ultimate magic known to man–"
Oh, good lord, another LARPer in our midst.
"Rejected," he cut her short, uninterested to hear the rest. "Come back after you've learnt how to use a sword."
"W-Wait!" she spluttered, grabbing him to stop him from leaving, "Just let me in, please, I-I'll do anything!"
Anything? His ears perked at the word as she averted her gaze, immediately regretting the words that she had mouthed in her haste.
"I-I'll let you sneak a peek behind my top-secret magic item," she stammered, directing his attention towards her eyepatch, "but be careful, your brain might shiver when I remove the seal."
Alright, let's see what you've got, chuunibyou, he thought aloud as he tugged on the fabric, only to release it as he caught a glimpse of the amber-tinged cornea, contrasting sharply against the blue colour on the other side.
She's actually heterochromatic? Hold on, that's beside the point! Why is she so desperate to join a party anyway? Is it wrong to be a solo player in a dungeon?
"Give her a chance and you'll find out," the white-haired girl smiled, as if she had just read his mind, "unless you're doing well enough with your current partner to not need anyone else."
In the deafening silence, he glanced at the mage who looked on in anxiety and anticipation, eagerly awaiting his final decision.
"Can't hurt to have a helping hand I guess," he muttered, rueing his lack of options, "so long as she isn't another burden."
"You won't know until you try," the older girl laughed as she bade him farewell, lurking away into the alleys instead of logging out as she had done before.
Take care of her, Kazuma. You may not know it, but you're both the same kind.
On the way back, he could not help but notice her staring longingly at the food-stalls, her stomach growling in hunger. Yet, she made no attempt to buy herself dinner despite marvelling at the spread each time she walked past an NPC vendor.
"Are you on a diet or are you just broke?" he finally asked, "Look, I'll get you something or we'll be stuck here till dawn."
In the cold quiet, her face seemed to brighten under the pale streetlamp as he handed her a piece of bread. Skipping around in gratitude, she proceeded to munch away at what appeared to be her first meal of the day.
"Eat slowly, don't stuff yourself, you've got butter on your cheeks."
"Hmph, I'll wipe it away myself after I'm done. I still have space for seconds and thirds, you know?"
"You eat as much as that girl drinks," he noted, glaring at her small frame as she helped herself to a stack of crepes. "Where do all the nutrients and calories go? I don't see–"
"It goes to my mana of course!" she interjected before he could continue, "To fuel my Blast of Tempest–"
"It doesn't stay in your body, got it."
"That's not–" she huffed, nearly dropping her stockpile of food, "I-I'm still growing!"
Shrugging, he led the way back to the inn, opening the door to a soft rustle coming from the bed. Curious, he inched closer to investigate, only for the blue thing to let out a startled squeal and hide herself under the sheets.
Alright, Megumin, we'll be checking in to another room tonight.
"On second thought, slimes are cute."
That was the last thing the useless goddess had managed to utter before she was swallowed by the bloated mass, her dramatic failure at a sacred punch having bounced off the creature.
"Aqua!" he cried, slashing frantically at the gelatinous blob, his beginner sword barely able to cut through its elastic skin. Glowing with energy after an excellent night's sleep, the deity was the one who had suggested the brilliant idea of farming slimes, only for what was supposed to be a painless method of gathering Col and EXP to morph into a nightmare of a grind, a literal slugfest that was beginning to weigh down on his fatigued soul and tired shoulders.
But perhaps what was more annoying than her earlier round of laughter was the mage's apparent indifference, standing a good distance away from everyone else as she watched them fight a losing battle without casting so much as a spell to help their cause.
Damn, what's up with her? Isn't she supposed to be strongest arch-wizard of Aincrad?
Oh, right, self-proclaimed.
"Hey, you flat-chested chuuni-loli!" he screeched with all his breath as he ran from the raging jellies, "If you're going to do something, just do it now!"
That'll get her to act - or not.
Wait, what's that chant I hear? And what's the growing taste of blood in the air?
"Darker than black, darker than the dark, synthesise with thy crimson," she began, ripping off her eyepatch, "wake up, transcend this reality, and appear as an intangible distortion."
Hold on, let us get to somewhere safe first, maybe?
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, ravage this land with unspeakable destruction! Humanity knows no higher magic, for this is the ultimate technique–"
"EXPLOSION!"
In that very instant, he swore he felt the fury of the scorned mage as an impalpable shockwave blasted him and the screaming goddess into the air. All around them, the entire mob and oxygen itself disintegrated in a blinding flash, annihilated, obliterated, shattering and scattering into a million blue shards as the indomitable power of several megatons of TNT reverberated across the plains.
Remind me never to make fun of her ever again.
His health bar plunged as he flew against the pull of gravity, screeching in the burning sensation radiating across every cell of his body. Somehow, the blue thing had managed to cast Heal, Reflect and Enhance Defence on him while being pelted by rocks and broken slabs crumbling from the fissured sky, but even with the blessings, much of his HP had simply evaporated with the inferno, with nothing to soothe the excruciation gripping the core of his being.
I'm still alive, right? he found himself asking as he hurtled back onto the ground, narrowly missing the flaming void on the floor which had cracked open to reveal a thousand-foot plunge into the abyss below. Red lines of damage glowed from the split edges, spilling glitched-out data into the surrounding vacuum, the blackened landscape too devastated to be able to return to its original state without a patch.
"I don't reckon you can fix this, can you, Aqua?" the mage breathed, stunned by the effects of her own magic. For a good few seconds, the earth continued to shake in the aftermath, residual tremors trembling beneath her feet, and she collapsed face-first on the grass, completely drained of her SP.
"Who do you think I am, Kayaba?" the deity screeched as she spammed Create Water, yet was barely able to save the trees crackling in the fire.
"Forget that, you two!" he snarled, gritting his teeth to hold in the pain, "Let's just get the hell out of here before the Cardinal System banishes us for destroying the universe."
"Some help, please," the young girl croaked as the blue thing wailed and fled, leaving her hapless and immobile on the ground.
Gah, he grunted, cursing his rotten luck as he lifted her onto his back, grimacing in agony as he ran after the goddess back to town.
We need someone else in the team who can tank damage and handle this pain, like Saber, Shielder or Crusader.
Wait, the last one - was there even such a class of Heroic Spirit?
Ah, never-mind. Best girls Artoria Pendragon and Mash Kyrielight, with the power of the Command Seals vested in me by the Holy Grail, I choose you!
They've done it again, the knight smirked as he stood beside the gaping hole, overseeing the restoration works to his beloved castle. Things were developing in a way that he had not quite expected, but it was intriguing, and that was all that really mattered. After all, he had set up the death game for his own pleasure, and with ten-, no, nine-thousand prisoners involuntarily offering themselves as tribute in his gladiatorial arena, he was looking forward to be truly entertained.
That was why, as the Creator of the World and Master of the Universe, he would not allow vandalism of his floating palace to go unaddressed. It was time to tip the scales once more, and in the tranquil quiet under the charred firmament, he moved his fingers across the screen to make the desired adjustments–
Update: Skills will now drain HP instead of SP
Let's see how much magic you'll be using at the cost of your lives.
A/N: I'm back with my second chapter after a week, and good news is that I'll likely be updating a little quicker in the next two weeks. As always, fav/follows/reviews highly appreciated, I'd be glad to read your suggestions and feedback!
Shoutouts and minor references to:
1. Berserk (the Black Swordsman)
2. Re:Zero (Startling Life in Another World from Zero)
3. The Fate series (ongoing meta-reference, Shielder and Megumeme share the same VA)
4. The Toaru series (game-verse crossover with Konosuba + interesting contrast between Kamijou Touma's misfortune and Satou Kazuma's supposedly-high LUK stat)
5. Rental Girlfriend (Mizuhara "Water Origin" Chizuru and Aqua share the same VA)
6. Zetsuen no Tempest (Blast of Tempest)
P/S: As exemplified by this chapter, this fic would be light-hearted at its core (Konosuba the parody isekai) with some dark and serious moments (SAO the death game). Can't have tragedy without some comedy, wink-wink, but it certainly wouldn't be on the level of my earlier completed work Reality Offline which was a post-apocalyptic AU. That said, there would be much adventure, romance, friendship (rejected love?), drama, hurt and comfort along the way.
While I'll be writing primarily from Kazuma's perspective, Kirito and co. would be making their appearance starting from the next chapter and would feature in about 40% of the story. Konosuba would be the main course at 50%, with the remaining 10% contributed by, well - no spoilers heh (you'll find out in Chapter 4).
For comparison, Reality Offline (reviews welcome!) had a composition of 50% SAO (main POV: Kirito), 40% Oregairu (secondary POV: Hachiman) and 10% others (including references).