The ride to her house was brief—and silent. This time, not an awkward silence. Just silence.
When he pulled his car outside her house, she forced herself to not think of anything besides Tim. He opened the car door for her, offering her a hand that she immediately took.
Her hand was still firmly in his when they reached her door, and he stood in front of her.
She didn't know what to say. She wanted to invite him in—just for a coffee, just to prolong this night as much as she could, but she knew he wouldn't do it. Not even if she asked.
Not until things were clear between them. He was too much of a gentleman. And right now—she hated him a little for that.
He caressed her hand in his. "Are you okay?"
She raised her eyes. "Yeah— you?"
He smiled. "Yeah—"
After a few seconds of silence, he took a step toward her, the hand that wasn't holding hers came up to caress her cheek.
Without leaving her eyes, he leaned down to her lips slowly, giving her a chance to take a step back. When she didn't, he pressed his lips to her.
It wasn't the same kiss as before, it was calmer, sweeter—and brief. He leaned back a little, touching her forehead with his.
"Tomorrow— promise me."
He was afraid she was going to ghost him again, she realized suddenly.
She nodded against his skin. "I promise."
He took a breath before kissing her forehead.
"Goodnight, Lucy." And with that, he walked to his car and drove away, without looking back.
It wasn't her fault they didn't get to see each other all day. From the first hour in the morning, they were separated.
She debated with herself for a while about letting it go until the next day, but she made him a promise—and she was going to keep it. She picked up her phone and dial it his number. A few seconds later, her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, she wasn't surprised at all to see him outside, one hand in his pocket and the other holding his ringing phone.
He smiled at her "Hi."
She moved to the side to let him in "Hey."
He already visited her house before when she had to remove all of Jackson's things. He came to help her pack, so he knew his way around the house.
He moved to the living room, sitting down on one couch.
She put down her phone. "Can I get you anything?"
He shook his head. "No, thank you."
She nodded, sitting down on the couch across from him. Space between them was a good thing right now—she needed that to think clearly.
She took a deep breath as her nerves raised inside of her. She passed her hands in her hair, trying to calm down.
"Luce—breathe. It's okay." His voice was soft and calm, and he was watching her with comforting eyes.
She tried to smile. "I know—"
"Did you get any sleep last night?"
She laughed a little. "Ehmm—no, not really." He smiled as well, a hand in his hair. "Me neither."
That was probably the nicest thing he could ever tell her at that moment. To know that it wasn't only her that was being affected by this all situation was what she needed to hear.
But- It wasn't useful taking around things. They were in it, now. There was no turning back.
After that night, one way or another their relationship was going to change. So, like she always did, she cut right to the chase.
"I have feelings for you, Tim."
Wow, that was surprisingly easy to get out. But the moment she did, she realized her mistake. His face dropped a little.
She already said that last phrase to him before- as a joke. A stupid joke.
"No! Not like that—I mean, yes like that. But—I'm serious right now. 100% serious."
His eyes sparkled again, and he smiled a little.
"I don't know how it happened—I just—that night in your apartment, I felt something change between us. At least on my part—"
She dared to look at him, only to find him staring at her.
"Well, I'm terrible at his, as you can see. But I want to be honest—especially with you. I'm sorry for avoiding you these past few weeks—I'm sorry. I just-" She straightened her back a little.
"I didn't know what to do. I do know that this wasn't supposed to happen. You're my training officer and my senior—and I'm just—"
A boot?
Her tone was suddenly blank. "- you're boot."
She noticed his jaw clenching a little. "You were never just that."
She looked at him for a long moment, before shaking her head. "Anyway-It isn't appropriate, and it puts us in a bad situation—me really. But also, you."
She felt exhausted. "I just, I needed you to know. I should've told you sooner, before what happened last night between us—maybe it would've been easier today."
She dropped her head into her hands. "I need to know where you stand in this—what you feel. Because if I got it all wrong, at least—I can move forward, you know—"
She opened her eyes when she felt him suddenly closer, his hand sliding between hers. He was now sitting on the coffee table in front of her, their knees touching.
"Luce—look at me." She did.
"I feel it, too. This—us. I have feelings for you, too."
Her breath caught in her throat.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, too." He struggled to find the words. "—I-didn't think—"
She knew what he meant. He would never put her in an awkward position. "I know—"
He squeezed her hands in his.
"Tim—with work, I mean, this situation— it could get ugly. You are my training officer, my superior! You always told me not to get involved—"
"I was your training officer. You're no longer under my responsibility—"
"I know but—people can be cruel. We both know what will happen, they're gonna say that we were involved before I became your boot, and that you made favoritism towards me. You could be investigated— we could be suspended. Or fired!"
He cupped her cheek. "Hey-Hey—slow down." He caressed her skin. "I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here. Forget for a moment what we are—what we do. Let's pretend for a second that I'm a lawyer and you're a doctor. Two normal people who live normal lives—"
He dropped his hand from her face, holding again hers.
"Would you want—this? Us—"
A shiver ran down her spine. It was so strange and beautiful to hear him say the word "us".
"Yes—I would."
He released a breath. "I would, too."
Her heart jumped in her chest. He wanted this—her. At least she knew that.
"But you're not a lawyer—and I'm not a doctor. We work together, every day. Whether we like it or not, you're my direct superior- and this could potentially be bad for both of our careers."
He nodded, looking down on their hands for a moment. "I get that. But- I know where I stand in this situation." He looked at her in the eyes. "I want you. I want to be with you. I'm willing to work to make things good for us. And if that means that I have to fight for my position at the station or ignore some people talking shit about me—I will do that."
What. She was speechless. His work was his life.
"But I'll never do something that could compromise you. You're young, and you have a great career ahead of you." He took her hand to his lips, kissing her fingers. "So, if being with me in these circumstances it's too much for you—I understand."
But he had a great career too, she thought. He didn't stop.
"If you don't want to mess with the job that, I'm convinced, you were born to do—just say the word. Say the word and we'll go back at being what we were before- and I swear to you, we'll never speak of this again."
She felt tears forming behind her eyes.
"The ball is in your court."
A tear escaped her eyes. "Why? Why do I have to make this decision for both of us?"
He leaned down to her face, kissing her forehead. The next words were spoken against her skin.
"Because I respect you first as a woman before I respect you as an officer."
That made her heart clench in her chest.
"Since the day we met our relationship has never been as two equals—and I'm sorry about that."
More tears ran down her cheeks, and he wiped it away with his thumbs.
"So—I'm giving back at this relationship the balance that it deserves. I know what I want and what I'm willing to sacrifice."
He touched her forehead with his.
"But I'm more interested in what you want. I will do only that."
She didn't have words to respond. He just sat there and laid his heart and mind at her feet. Tim did that. Tim Bradford. The most workaholic, stubborn, impossible, righteous, kind, loving man she ever knew just told her everything she wanted to hear. She opened her eyes to find him staring at her with a soft, knowing smile.
"Did I shock you?"
She wiped the tears that were still running down her cheeks. "Honestly— No- yes."
"Why?"
She shook her head a little. "I just—I don't understand-"
"What?"
"You're Tim, the best cop in that station or anywhere else. You love your work, you're fantastic at doing it." She diverted her eyes from his. "I'm just me—"
When he finally realized where she was going with that, his face went rigid. "Luce—don't—"
She stopped him. "No, I know, I mean—" She let out a breath. "-I'm just your boot."
"Stop calling yourself that-"
She continued. "Why—"
"Why do I want to be with you, despite what it would do to my work?" He didn't wait for her answer. "I'm sorry—I'm sorry that the way I trained you, made you think less of yourself."
She shook her head. "You didn't—"
"But I did, because otherwise, you wouldn't be questioning why I lov—like you. Why I want to be with you."
She chose to ignore his slip because otherwise she wasn't gonna survive the conversation. He kissed her hand. "I want to be with you because you're smart, funny, strong—you stand up to me, call me out on my bullshit and make me better. You don't let the bad things that happened to you define who you are. You're kind, empathetic, you see the good in the world and you're always ready to help others even when they don't deserve it. You're so beautiful and you don't even care."
She was crying again.
"And yes—I love my job. But my job robbed me of a relationship before- of the chance of being really happy. I won't let that happen again."
The mention of his wife made a few more tears ran down her cheek. He was quick to wipe them away with his thumbs.
"But- I won't be able to forgive myself going forward if you choose this without considering what you really want from your life and your career."
He leaned down to kiss her forehead again like he couldn't be still without touching her. "So- you decide where we go from here. I think it's the least you deserve from me."
She wanted to kiss him for the words he just spoke, the respect and love he was showing her. At the same time, she resented him a little for leaving her with this choice. She stood up from the couch- she needed to move, to breathe. He didn't move from where he was, watching her with a soft expression on his face.
After a few minutes of silence, where the only sounds were her pacing around the room, his soft voice reached her ears.
"There's no timeline for this, Luce. There are no rules- and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to make a decision tonight."
She nodded. "I know-"
He stood as well, putting his hands in his pocket. "I should go. Let you rest."
The thought of him leaving made panic rise in his chest. She was giving her space- space that she didn't want. She didn't want him to leave tonight. "Tim- " She passed a hand through her hair.
Sensing the hint of fear in her voice, he came closer. "Do you want me to go?"
She was grateful for his help. She shook her head.
"Can I stay? To sleep-"
She nodded, dropping her forehead to his chest. "I don't want to be alone. But I'll understand if you-" She knew she was asking him to go against his morals and of all that. He stroked her arms up and down, kissing her head.
"Let's go- you're exhausted."
He took her hand guiding her to the bedroom.
She woke up engulfed in light.
She was warm and so comfortable that she didn't want to open her eyes and start the day.
Then suddenly, she sensed him. She could feel the bed dip beside her, and his eyes watching her. She slowly opened her eyes, taking a moment to adjust them to the light. When the world became clear- there he was. He was lying on his side beside her- he took off his shirt the night before, and now his broad chest was shining in the light.
After a second of taking him in, she met his eyes. he was watching her studying him with a soft smile on his face. "Hey."
She smiled back. "Hi."
"How did you sleep?"
She closed her eyes for a moment, snuggling a little closer to him. "Good. You?"
"Very good."
When she opened her eyes again, his expression was slightly sad. She followed his gaze until she realized her top had risen up under her breasts- and there on her skin, impossible to miss, was the tattoo. Her body went immediately rigid, and she moved her hand to cover it back.
He stopped her. "Don't-"
She looked at him for a moment, and she knew the battle was already lost. He took her hand and placed it on the mattress between them, before raising his finger to her side. Before touching the marked skin, he searched hers in a silent question. She simply nodded and his thumbs touched the ink, tracing the letters and the numbers.
She ignored the goosebumps he was leaving behind on her skin and her racing heart. It was the first time someone touched the most scarred part of her. The literal evidence of her trauma that was etched on her skin.
"I came so close to losing you-" His voice took her back to the present, and when she raised her eyes to him, he was still staring at the ink. Something in the way his voice cracked made her pause- suddenly, a new layer of knowledge on the man lying beside her fell perfectly into place. She took his other hand in hers, interlacing their fingers.
"I'm sorry-"
He met her eyes, but she continued. "I'm sorry because, since that day, everyone only asks how am I doing- everyone is worried about me and how horrible it was for me. And I fear no one asked you how it was for you-"
He diverted his eyes. "Why would they-"
She raised her hand to his face, made him look at her again. "Because it was you who found me and dug me out of that hole with your bare hands." She suddenly felt emotional. "It was you who had to breathe life into me."
A single tear made its way down Tim's cheek.
It was the confirmation of what she feared- no one asked him anything because he was always the strong one. Always the pillar of strength everybody use to lean on- like nothing can't touch him. But she knew Tim. Really knew him- she was with him when his wife OD in the hospital and then she got arrested. She was there to see the pain almost consume him. She knew he felt things as much as anybody else- sometimes even more.
She caressed his cheek slowly. "Can you tell me about that day?"
He placed his hand on hers. "I don't want to add my pain to yours- that day was enough traumatic for you."
Impossible man.
"Tim- you were the person that helped me get through of all of that. This-" She touched the tattoo. "I came this close to cut it out with a knife myself one night- the reason I didn't is because you told me to see it not as a symbol of failure but a symbol of survival. The reason I can get out of bed in the morning and function during the day like a normal person- is thanks to you. You taught me how to survive this."
She wiped away the tear on his cheek. "Let me return the favor."
He took a deep breath, before turning on his back, opening his arm to her. She cradled closer, head resting on his chest. She stayed silent, waiting for him to speak.
"I knew right away something was wrong, the moment Jackson told us he didn't hear from you for too long." She closed her eyes, listening. "We had no leads- nothing. The hours passed and I was getting more and more restless." She could see it clearly in her mind. Tim, who used to face things head-on and always ready to take action, suddenly unable to do anything.
"I called Angela for help- but she knew the moment she saw me what was really going on in my head. I was spiraling out of control with guilt- and she called me out on that. I needed to put my feelings to the side and get the head in the game- it was the only way to actually help you."
She was so grateful for Angela. She knew he blamed himself for what happened to her, and she couldn't imagine the thoughts that crossed his mind that day. She snuggled closer to him, and he squeezed her shoulder in response.
"After that, it was hours of searching and following leads. I was getting desperate when we finally got the location of that house. When I got there- the bastard was already dead." A shiver ran down her spine at the mention of- him, and she felt Tim's lips on her hair.
"I started looking around- and the space was immense. I thought we would never going to found you in time." A single tear made its way down her cheek. "Until I saw something shining in the sun- it was your ring. When I finally found the spot I started digging until we pulled you out- and you weren't breathing."
He exhaled loudly, his breath shaking. She kissed his chest. "I began the compressions and the CPR- It was the longest moment of my life, Luce." He tightened his arms around her. "I thought I lost you and I couldn't believe what was happening." She felt wet in her hair and she knew he was crying.
"And when you finally started to breathe again I-I-" He closed his eyes for a moment, recollecting himself. "I made a promise to myself at that moment that I would never let anything like that happen to you again."
He couldn't promise her that. Like she couldn't promise him to never be in danger- but she remained silent. If that single belief made him feel more in control, less scared or worried about the future- she wasn't going to take that away from him. When she felt his breathing calm down against her, she lifted her eyes to him.
"Do you feel any better?"
He nodded. "Yes- thank you."
She kissed his chest. "Thank you- for saving me that day. For being there for me every day since."
"You saved yourself, Luce."
She decided not to argue with that, ignoring that little voice in her head telling her that that day could have been avoided if only she had been more careful.
"Angela knows by the way."
She furrowed her brows, tilting her head back to look at him again. He simply shrugged. "She asked me point black one night- a few months ago."
When she raised her brows in question, he continued. "She asked me if I had feelings for you."
Oh.
"Oh-" She gulped. "And what did you say?"
"I didn't deny it."
So- he said yes, basically. Her heart started racing. "And what did she say?" That he was reckless? Inappropriate? That-
"She told me she had figured it out that day- the day you went missing." He looked at the ceiling for a moment. "Angela- she was there when Isabel left. She only wants to see me move on-be happy."
She always knew that they were good friends- but never like at that moment she was happy he had a person like her to rely on.
She kissed his chest again. "I'm glad."
After that, a contempt silence fell on them.
She didn't know how much time had passed, she only knew she didn't want to move. She wanted to stay like that forever- with Tim beside her. Embracing her, caring of her- loving her.
"I want to do this- with you."
Her voice came out before she could stop it. Not that she wanted to. The moment her words registered to him, she felt him tense under her. He moved her body until he could see her in the face.
"What?"
He sounded so uncertain that a smile crept up on her face.
"I want us to be in a relationship- officially. I want to be with you."
She almost huffed in his face when she saw him searching her eyes for any trace of doubt of whatever- She took her face in her hands. "Tim- I'm sure. I think I was sure the moment we found ourselves under that mistletoe the other night."
He still looked concerned for a moment, before his face relaxed and he smiled like she never saw him do. Her heart fluttered in her chest.
"I promise you- I will do whatever I can to make sure your career isn't gonna suffer by this. I will take responsibility-"
She shook her head.
"No- we'll take responsibility for this and face the consequences, together."
He moved a strand of hair behind her ear, emotion filling up his eyes.
"Can I kiss you, Officer Chen?"
She smiled. "Yes, sir."