December 2018
Carefully transferring Hope's car seat onto the stroller, Sheldon waits for the satisfying click confirming the seat is connected to the base. When it doesn't come, he gently lifts the car seat and tries again, mindful that his daughter is soundly sleeping inside. Getting the click this time, he sighs in relief as he pulls back the blanket that covers the seat to check on the baby, finding her sucking her thumb as her pacifier lays at her side. Smiling, he pulls out his phone, taking yet another photo of his little girl.
"You're getting much faster at opening up her stroller and transferring the car seat," Amy comments from the front of the SUV, where she is eating a late lunch following her proctoring a midterm exam.
"Practice makes perfect. She's sucking her thumb again," he explains as he shows Amy the photo.
"I don't know why you even bother with the pacifier," Amy replies with a soft laugh.
"We can discard them if you wish. She's your baby too, Amy."
"A discussion we don't have time for right now," Amy decides as she finishes her yogurt. "Thank you for bringing me lunch."
"I've been worried about you," he softly replies.
"I know. I'm worried too, Sheldon," Amy confesses. "It's not that I don't know that I need to eat, it's that I have no appetite whatsoever. It's a common side effect of this anti-depressant," Amy explains, praying it doesn't start yet another fight.
"Can that be addressed today? I don't think it can wait."
"We're seeing a different therapist than who I see for my sessions. I mean, I'll ask, since it's the same practice, but don't be surprised if I'm told to make an appointment," Amy cautions.
"I want you back, Amy. The sooner the better," Sheldon softly murmurs.
"I am trying, Sheldon. I know you need me, not just as Hope's mother, but as your partner, your fiancee. I know I'm hurting you and I hate that," she murmurs as tears spring to her eyes.
"I wish I knew what to say... what to do. You cry every time the subject comes up. When I make you cry, I feel like I am not being patient enough or loving enough," Sheldon confesses.
"You have a right to express your feelings, Sheldon, but fighting like we have been recently being not helping anybody," Amy reasons.
"I did not conceive this child by myself and I should not have to care for her by myself," Sheldon points out.
"Don't start on me, Sheldon, please," she whispers as she swats away the tears of guilt.
"I don't know how you expect us to fix this when you refuse to talk with me about it," he replies in frustration.
"I don't want to be crying before we even walk in, but I want to talk. I want to fix this, fix us," Amy promises. "We have to talk to move forward."
"I need you to let down your guard and communicate with me. It's the only way we get through this intact," Sheldon pleads with her. "I don't want you to hold anything back."
"We may have to get into some deep and painful topics, Sheldon, like... like Her," Amy warns.
"I know. It's one of the laundry lists of issues we will need to address," Sheldon replies.
"I don't think we'll dive too deep into everything today. It sounds like this session is more of a getting to know us meeting," Amy explains as she uses her toes to unlock the red wheel brakes on Hope's stroller.
Carefully following Sheldon inside, Amy leaves the stroller parked by him as she goes to check them in. Softly smiling at Sheldon as he checks on the baby once again, Amy walks back to him carrying two clipboards with paperwork they each need to fill out.
"She will survive an hour without being held," Amy teases him.
"Hope may survive but I may not," Sheldon replies.
"I'll be right back," Amy softly murmurs to Sheldon as she grabs her purse from the stroller and heads for the restroom.
Picking up the paperwork, Sheldon reviews it, realizing it's identical. Setting Amy's clipboard on the chair next to him, he gets to work filling it out. It all seems pretty perfunctory until he gets to question 5) "Is your relationship able to be repaired? If so, how committed are you to doing the work necessary to repair it? If not, why not, and what is your ideal resolution?"
That is the million-dollar question, Sheldon writes as he moves on to the next question.
As Amy returns a few minutes later, Sheldon notices her cheeks are blotchy as if she has very recently been crying. Instinctively knowing to not address it, Sheldon keeps his head down as Amy takes her seat.
"So much for not diving into the deep end," Sheldon warns as he returns to the questionnaire.
"I wish we would've been forewarned to print this out," Amy replies.
After the perfunctory biographical information; name, age, occupation, etc., the very first question is "What issue(s) in your relationship bring(s) you here today?" How far back should we go? Amy wonders.
"This feels like a test that we are going to fail miserably," Sheldon fears as he flips the page.
"You can write anything you want, Sheldon. My answers may be somewhat different from yours, but that's exactly what they want to see. It's not a test. There are no incorrect answers."
"I'd like to see your answers at some point," Sheldon requests.
"If we have time before being called back, I'll snap pictures of both of our answers so we can privately talk about them once we can communicate without fighting," Amy decides. "I'm curious about your answers as well."
Amy finishes with the questionnaire relatively quickly. Her only hesitation is on the question, "Why have you remained in this relationship despite your current issues? (Financial, Children, Love, etc.) Why do you believe your partner has stayed?
She's definitely still here for love and for their daughter, but the baby came along long after their problems began. The truth of the matter, Amy has come to realize, is that their relationship issues are far more complex than simply trust and communication. They also have been present for longer than either she or Sheldon realized. She quickly scribbles, Fear of being alone.
Glancing over at Sheldon, Amy isn't surprised to find him deep in thought as he taps the capped end of his "Property of Sheldon L. Cooper" pen against his bottom lip. He's on the second page and based on the area of the page where he begins writing something, he's on the sexual relationship questions. One word sums that up: Nonexistent.
She didn't write that of course. Before the birth of their daughter, their sex life seemed... normal... by societal standards. Pregnancy made her extremely horny and Sheldon, bless him, stepped up to the challenge of keeping her completely satisfied every time she requested sexual intimacy. Maybe it's just awkward for him to even consider intimacy with the baby just a few feet away, but he won't even hold her hand right now, a fact that is deeply troubling for her.
As she finishes the form, she snaps photos of her answers, before Sheldon does the same with his sheet a few moments later. Sheldon takes the forms up to the receptionist, briefly glancing at question 1 of Amy's form, where she wrote, We love each other but we are no longer in love with each other. We are in this relationship for our daughter. We cannot communicate without fighting. We don't trust each other. He had an affair and we swept it under the rug when I became pregnant.
What does she mean by she loves me but is no longer in love with me? Sheldon wonders, fearful of the explanation. He decides to excuse himself to the restroom so he can text Leonard for advice.
He looked angry, Amy noticed, as Sheldon left to use the restroom. Hoping he doesn't get himself worked up before they even go back to a room, Amy lifts the blanket covering Hope to check on the baby, finding her daughter sound asleep still. Amy tucks the light blanket covering the baby's legs back under her before leaning over to kiss Hope's forehead as Sheldon comes back into the waiting room.
"Is she alright?" he worriedly questions.
"Sleeping like a... well, like a baby," Amy replies, making the elderly couple sitting across from them chuckle. Sheldon, however, doesn't seem amused.
Carefully maneuvering the stroller as they are being called back to the room, Amy's suddenly full of nervous energy as they are led to a dimly lit office and told to take a seat anywhere they'd like.
"Do you want me sitting next to you or across from you?" Amy wonders as Sheldon takes a seat on the couch.
"Next to me," Sheldon replies as he reaches for her hand.
Her hand is sweaty, Sheldon immediately notices as he fights against every instinct to let go and wipe his hand on his pant leg. Her leg also hasn't stopped bouncing since she sat down, causing him to become irritated by the constant jostling movement of the couch. Closing his eyes, he attempts kohlinar to keep calm.
"You're fighting the urge to yell at me again," Amy accuses after a few minutes of awkward silence. "What did I do this time?"
"I'm not going to yell at you," Sheldon attempts to lie.
"You get that same look on your face every time you are about to pick a fight with me, Sheldon. I know you far too well to fall for that. What is it this time? Did I park her stroller incorrectly or forget to lock the brakes or not place her blanket so it's completely covering the car seat or..."
"Excuse me for being protective of our daughter," he interrupts her. "Most mothers would be thrilled that the father of her child is attending to their offspring's every need... with no help from you might I add."
"I can't meet your impossible standards, Sheldon, so I've stopped trying. I've stopped trying to be a mother, I've stopped being your partner... I've stopped... I've stopped..." she confesses.
"When did you stop loving me?" he fearfully whispers.
"I think the better question is when did you stop loving me?" Amy counters as there's a knock at the door.
Sheldon expected the therapist to be much older than she is, he realizes as the woman walks in. She's Amy's height, slender, with her blonde hair twisted up into a bun. She appears to be in her mid to late '30s, Sheldon would estimate as she introduces herself and reaches to shake Amy's hand.
"I read in your file that you have haphephobia, Sheldon. Are you comfortable shaking my hand?" the therapist wonders.
"Not at this time, no offense," Sheldon replies.
"None taken. My brother-in-law has haphephobia so I do understand some of the difficulties of this affliction. How has this impacted your relationship with Amy?" the therapist requests.
"Wow, diving right in," Sheldon comments.
"Sorry. I tend to skip over the softball questions like "tell me how you met?" Would you be more comfortable if we started there?" the therapist wonders.
"I'd like to start with your qualifications," Sheldon requests in a tone that Amy immediately recognizes as "I'm smarter than you."
"Sheldon, that's irrelevant. Sarah is here to help us," Amy pleads with him, hoping the unspoken message, "please cooperate" is communicated in her tone.
"It's an entirely valid question and one I would expect from two highly educated individuals like yourselves. I received my B.A. in Psychology from USC, my Masters in Counseling Psychology with a specialization in Marriage and Family Counseling from UC-Berkley, and my Ph.D. in Psychology from UCLA. FulI disclosure; I've been following that fascinating clinical trial out of Sorbonne Universite that you were involved in, Amy, so I am slightly starstruck at the moment but I will try not to let that affect my professionalism."
"Thank you. May I ask why you are following it? It hasn't been well-publicized to my knowledge," Amy wonders.
"Oh, on the contrary! It's being followed very closely by groups that assist wounded veterans, which is how I first became aware of it. It's remarkable! I know what Amy does professionally, but what is your area of study, Sheldon?" Sarah asks, hoping it will help him relax.
"Theoretical physics, specifically string theory and dark matter."
"That sounds fascinating," Sarah exclaims. "Anyway, that's not why you're here today. I reviewed your questionnaires and it looks like you're both in agreement that your relationship is in trouble," Sarah empathizes.
"Understatement," Sheldon mumbles under his breath.
Turning to Sheldon, Amy asks, "Will you answer her questions now?"
"We'll start easy. How did you meet?" Sarah asks.
"Online," Sheldon vaguely answers.
"That's not entirely accurate. Our friends, Raj and Howard, created an online dating profile for Sheldon and pretended to be him when speaking with me. Sheldon and I never actually communicated until the day we met at a coffee shop," Amy explains.
"How long have you been together?" She wonders.
"We met in 2010 and began dating a year later. We've broken up twice, once in 2015 for 6 months and again in 2017 for 6 months," Amy explains.
"So it wasn't love at first sight?" Sarah confirms.
"No, it wasn't, but I had an insane crush on Sheldon. He wanted to remain platonic initially," Amy replies.
"What changed your mind?" Sarah asks as she turns to Sheldon.
"What kind of ridiculous question is that?!" Sheldon fumes.
"You seem angry. What's causing that response, Sheldon?" the therapist wonders.
"I'm angry that I have to hire a referee in order to to have a conversation with my fiancee and the mother of my child!" Sheldon seethes.
Do you want to fix our relationship, Sheldon?" Amy quietly asks.
"I don't... I don't know, Amy," Sheldon softly admits. "I thought I did but... I'm realizing now that our issues are much more serious and complex than I imagined. I'm fearful that it's too much... it's too late," he confesses, having lost every ounce of fight within him.
"Why are we here then, Sheldon?" Amy pointedly asks him. "A few minutes ago, you implored me to hold nothing back. So, let's talk. Let's open this can of worms. What happened to cause a breakdown in our relationship? What was the catalyst?"
"You want me to say that the breakdown of our relationship began with my affair, but the truth, Amy, is that it began when I left on my 45-day cross country train adventure two years prior," Sheldon quietly replies, stunning Amy. She fully expected Sheldon to blame all of their problems on her.
"But we... things got better after that. You said you loved me after that," Amy points out.
"It didn't last though, did it? You broke up with me. If we had just talked..." Sheldon trails off.
"If you had given me the time I requested and not insulted me!" Amy fires back.
"You want to talk about insults? Your answer to question one today is insulting, Amy. If you don't love me then why are we here?" Sheldon wonders.
"I will always love you, Sheldon, but there is a difference between loving you and being in love with you. Loving you is caring about your health, your safety, your happiness. Being in love with you is that soft sigh I give when you hug me, that tingle down your spine when we kiss, when we lay awake late at night and I rest my head on your chest so I can hear your heartbeat..."
"When did you fall out of love with me?" Sheldon wonders, sounding more wounded than Amy ever expected.
"When you made it abundantly clear that you no longer loved me," Amy evasively replies.
"Do you know what Amy is talking about, Sheldon?" Sarah wonders.
"Yes," he immediately replies, offering no further clues to their therapist.
"Why have you chosen to seek my services?" Sarah wonders.
"I'm here because we have to learn how to communicate without it turning into a screaming match. We have a daughter now and I refuse to let Hope grow up with parents that cannot be in the same room without fighting," Amy explains.
"I reluctantly agreed to try this for the same reasons Amy stated," Sheldon replies.
"So, you are trying to learn how to co-parent? Is that an indication that the romantic relationship is irretrievably broken?" Sarah wonders.
"Not... not irretrievably, but it is broken. I... I can't keep fighting for something that I'm not certain either of us wants," Amy softly replies."
"You've been very quiet, Sheldon. Do you feel that the romantic relationship can be rekindled?" Sarah wonders.
"I thought... everything was fine up until a few days after Hope's birth. I had no idea Amy felt this way," he softly replies.
"Most days I'm not sure you even like me, let alone love me, Sheldon," Amy confesses, stunning him.
Watching Sheldon's reaction to that revelation as he hangs his head in shame and chokes back the sudden rush of tears, Amy feels an instant wave of guilt. She doesn't want to hurt him but she made a promise to herself (and to Hope) that she would no longer hide her true feelings from Sheldon. She will no longer hide her unhappiness. If they are going to survive this, he needs to understand how his actions are hurting her.
"How many times per week do you fight on average?" Sarah wonders.
"Daily," Sheldon and Amy simultaneously answer.
"Oof, that's rough," Sarah sympathizes. "Is it always the same argument or is it about different things?"
"It's usually the same fight. I'm not helping him with the baby," Amy explains. Grabbing for a Kleenex, she lifts her glasses and dabs at her eyes.
"I read that you have experienced post-partum depression, Amy. How are you doing?" Sarah wonders.
"I'm..." she stops, taking a deep breath as she contemplates her answer. "Fine," she responds.
"You are not 'fine," Sheldon scoffs. "Since we're keeping it real now, let's talk about the fact that you don't eat unless I place food directly in front of you, or how about the fact that you sleep 10 to 12 hours a day? Shall I mention that you have not changed a single diaper? Does Sarah need to know that you only hold Hope when I plead with you to attempt to bond with the baby? I think I should definitely mention that you refused to nurse our daughter because it was more important for you to sleep!" he exclaims, his voice getting louder with each accusation.
"This is why I can't talk with you, Sheldon! Every time I try to have a civil conversation, you immediately turn it into a listing of my failures as a mother!" Amy yells back.
"Let's try to lower our voices," Sarah requests. "We can speak in softer tones and still get our points across. How do these fights usually resolve?"
"She starts crying, I get frustrated and storm out of the room," Sheldon replies.
"Were you fighting before Hope's birth?" Sarah wonders as she makes some notes on the yellow legal pad resting atop her crossed knees.
"Not to this extent, but yes, we did have fights," Amy replies.
"What caused those fights?"Sarah wonders.
"In May of 2016, I was offered a 3-month research fellowship at Princeton. While I was away, Sheldon had an affair with a colleague of his. We broke up when I discovered this and I was offered the job in Paris that same week, which I happily accepted."
How did you find out?" Sarah wonders.
"Someone sent me explicit photos," Amy explains.
"Do you know who sent them?" Sarah wonders.
"There are only two people it could be and one of them is in this room," Amy reasons.
"I didn't do it. Why would I do that to you?" Sheldon questions, gritting his teeth in anger.
"I wonder why you do a lot of things, Sheldon," Amy snaps at Sheldon.
"I understand you're engaged? Tell me how you reconciled," Sarah requests.
"My father passed away suddenly that August," Amy begins.
"I'm sorry," Sarah offers her condolences.
"Thank you," Amy replies. "I was home for a conference when my father passed. Sheldon, well, all of our friends really, but especially Sheldon, was incredibly supportive. He barely left my side. I was so angry and hurt by his affair, but it seemed that my Sheldon, the Sheldon that I fell hopelessly in love with, had returned. We began talking at that point and continued talking after I returned to Paris for work. He surprised me by coming to Paris for my birthday. He proposed at the Eiffel Tower..." Amy explains.
"Which you immediately rejected," Sheldon chimes in.
"Yes, I did. I didn't feel that we were ready for that step. I didn't feel that we had worked through all of our issues. As Sheldon was going through the airport's security checkpoint the next day, I realized I made a mistake by rejecting him. I updated our Facebook status to engaged," Amy shares.
"You stated that while you love Sheldon, you are no longer in love with him. Is falling back in love with each other a prerequisite for marriage?" Sarah wonders.
"For me, it is, yes, absolutely," Amy replies.
"Sheldon?"
"I didn't realize that she's not in love with me. I um... I'm processing that," Sheldon confesses.
"How old is your daughter?" Sarah wonders, hoping maybe this will get Sheldon to open up.
"2 months...10 weeks," Amy replies.
"Was she planned?" Sarah asks.
"That is none of your business," Sheldon coldly responds.
"No, she was not planned," Amy confirms, wanting to tear into Sheldon the first chance she gets for him being so rude.
"How did you and your partner react to an accidental pregnancy? I'd like to hear from each of you," Sarah requests as she makes another note on the yellow legal pad.
"I was initially terrified," Amy admits. "I was working in Paris at the time. Sheldon was in Paris for a week. We were only intimate three times. I was on birth control, he used condoms..."
"That little one was determined to be born," Sarah replies in shock.
"We um... after I came home and we were discussing the improbability of it, we realized Sheldon did not wear a condom the second time. We both thought we dreamt it which is why it took four months for us to talk about it," Amy explains as she blushes.
"You seem embarrassed, Amy. I want to reassure you that with regards to sexual intimacy, I have heard it all. You are free to be as open and as... detailed... as you each feel comfortable with," Sarah reassures. "So, you were pregnant in Paris? What was that experience like for you?"
"Being pregnant for the first time and being so far from home... so far away from my child's father... he missed out on everything in the early months of my pregnancy and I do regret that."
"I'm sure. How did Sheldon react when you told him?" Sarah wonders.
"I fully expected Sheldon to flip out but he completely shocked me... in a good way. Not only did he never flip out, but he was also elated. He chose Hope's name the same day he found out I was pregnant. He was wonderful during my pregnancy. During labor, he was there every step of the way. I've never loved him more than when he was calmly coaching me as I delivered our daughter in our bedroom. My labor progressed too quickly to make it to the hospital in time," Amy explains for Sarah's benefit. "It was just us welcoming our daughter into the world and it was... beautiful. Sheldon is an amazing father. That little girl is his entire world."
"Amy didn't tell me she was pregnant until she returned home from Paris. We had talked in the past about how we would handle an accidental pregnancy. Amy believed I would not want to be in my child's life although I would take financial responsibility. I have since changed my mind. I want to do the right thing by being fully involved in every aspect of my child's life... being the father I wished for growing up. Delivering Hope was the best moment of my life and of our relationship," Sheldon confesses. "Becoming a father is my proudest accomplishment."
"How far along were you when Sheldon discovered you were pregnant?" Sarah wonders.
"16 weeks. I know the next question is why did I wait to tell Sheldon," Amy guesses as Sarah lightly chuckles and nods. "Fear, mostly. I rejected Sheldon's proposal the night before he left... the night we conceived Hope. We needed to fully work through the aftermath of Sheldon's affair. Once... once I found out that I was pregnant, I'd find reasons for us to avoid talking about anything serious. Sheldon was contracted to a military project here in California and I knew that if I told him about the baby, he would insist on either coming to Paris or more realistically, he would demand I leave Paris early. Neither were options in my mind. I didn't want him constantly worrying about me and the baby."
"How do you feel about what Amy just said, Sheldon?" Sarah wonders.
"I understand her reasoning but it's a symptom of a much larger issue. Amy avoids the difficult conversations. She suppresses her anger and her frustration until she explodes."
"Let's put a pin in this for the moment," Sarah suggests as Sheldon reaches for a tissue and hands it to Amy so she can wipe away her tears. "I'd like to return to Sheldon's infidelity for a moment. Before this, how was your relationship?" she wonders.
"Could you please specify the period in question?" Sheldon requests.
"In the six months before your infidelity how would you describe your relationship?" Sarah asks.
"Comfortable," Sheldon responds.
"That's an interesting word choice. Could you explain further?" Sarah requests.
"I enjoyed her company, her companionship," Sheldon explains.
"I concur with describing the relationship as comfortable," Amy adds. "We were in a good place... committed, content."
"How about your sex life? I imagine it's difficult to find time with a new baby?" Sarah questions.
That hit a nerve, Sarah realizes as she watches Amy immediately let go of Sheldon's hand and shift her body away from Sheldon.
"This is the first time he's touched me since the day Hope was born," Amy softly explains before closing her eyes and bowing her head, overcome with emotion.
"Physical intimacy and... coitus... are not things I am prepared to engage in with somebody I do not trust," Sheldon explains.
"Did you trust Ramona?" Amy snaps.
"Ramona is the other woman?" Sarah asks for clarification as Amy nods in confirmation. "Are you prepared to answer her question, Sheldon?"
"I trusted her but that was obviously a mistake," Sheldon replies.
"Obviously" Amy scoffs in reply.
"Sheldon made a very astute observation earlier when he stated that the issues in your relationship are complex. Sometimes as much as we love someone, the kindest thing we can do for that person is to let them go. I realize that's difficult with a child now involved," Sarah explains.
"My child will not be raised in a broken home. Separation is not an option. We are fixing this, whatever and however long it takes," Sheldon emphatically states.
"Do you feel the same way, Amy?" Sarah wonders.
"No. I'm not going to stay with you just for the sake of our child. I will not burden her with that. I will give everything I can to work on fixing our relationship, but a seperation is an option that I cannot rule out," Amy explains as she twists her ring upon her finger.
"How long are we going to try fixing this before you walk away?" Sheldon wonders.
"I don't... I don't know. This is going to be a long and painful process, Sheldon. We can't expect to be fixed in one or three or even ten sessions. All I can really say right now is we'll cross that bridge if and when we reach it," Amy promises.
"What is the biggest obstacle standing in your way?" Sarah wonders.
"Trust," Sheldon responds.
"Communication," Amy adds.
"Both good answers, but I think it's fear. You are afraid of losing each other, but more importantly, you both are afraid of continuing to hurt each other by having honest conversations about the issues that brought you here today. The thing about being together as long as the two of you have been being that you know everything about each other, and that includes which buttons to press and how to hurt each other with precisely calculated attacks that are meant to strike at their worst insecurities. It's normal and healthy to have disagreements in a relationship. What's not normal or healthy for either of you as a couple or as parents is destroying your partner's sense of safety in the relationship. It was very telling when Amy said she was "fine" earlier. This is a safe space, Amy. How are you really doing?" Sarah softly questions.
Sarah has found that there is always one question that will inevitably cause that carefully constructed wall that her patients have constructed around their hearts to crumble. This, however, is the first time that she recalls that question being, "how are you?" She watches with sympathy as Amy wages a losing battle to hold back the tears. As Amy briefly glances at Sheldon, Sarah sees the pleading behind Amy's eyes, "Help me." "Love me." "Choose me." "Don't hurt me."
"Would you like to speak with me privately, Amy?" Sarah wonders as Amy's tears seem to be falling faster although she has yet to answer the question.
"Yeah. Is that alright?" She asks Sheldon.
"Of course. Should I take Hope?" he wonders.
"Please. Let me see if one of our providers is available for consult on the medication. Sheldon, I can guide you to the waiting room," Sarah offers.
As they step out, Sarah is shocked as Sheldon leans against the wall after she shuts the door and wipes at his eyes.
"Are you alright, Sheldon?" Sarah softly questions.
"Do you, in your professional opinion, think that we can fix this?" Sheldon asks. He sounds scared that she's going to say no.
"I do, Sheldon. I can't promise that it won't be difficult, but I think that you are both willing to do the hard work that will be necessary to repair your relationship," Sarah replies, offering him that glimmer of hope that he desperately needs. "You've both been through a lot in the past 18 months."
"I don't feel that we can begin to move forward until Amy's post-partum depression is addressed," Sheldon admits. "She's scaring me."
"Do you believe she has contemplated suicide?" Sarah wonders.
"I don't... I don't know. We are barely speaking right now because it always turns into a fight. I don't know how to reach her," Sheldon whispers as he hangs his head in shame. "I need her help with the baby. I can't do this by myself. I don't want to do this by myself."
"I think her tears today are tears of guilt and feeling like a terrible mother as a result of something she has no control over. What she needs is for you to be gentle with her and reassure her that you love her. It's going to be a team effort to bring her out of the darkness of depression. I will do my job as a therapist but I can only do so much. We need to be on the same team, Team Amy. Can you be on her team?" Sarah wonders.
"Yes, I can do that," Sheldon promises.
After arriving home, Amy immediately heads for their bedroom, hiding from the world, and most importantly, hiding from him. Sheldon spends the next few hours engaging Hope in Baby Science Hour as he feeds her a bottle and rocks her to sleep. Carefully laying Hope in her crib, Sheldon turns on the baby monitor and leaves the door open as he decides he needs to attempt a conversation with Amy. Deciding on a peace offering, he goes to the kitchen and prepares a bowl of ice cream for Amy.
She's reclining against the headboard as she reads a book. Not noticing Sheldon, she startles and removes her earbuds when he steps closer to the bed.
"Did you come to yell at me some more?" Amy questions. "I did not intentionally run into you with the shopping cart, Sheldon."
"I came to ask if you want some ice cream?" he offers as he holds out the blue bowl with two large scoops of vanilla and chocolate ice cream.
"No," Amy replies. "I just want to sleep. Today was emotionally draining."
"It was," Sheldon agrees as he sets the ice cream aside on top of the dresser. "What did they say about the medication?" he wonders as he gets into bed on his side and reclines against the headboard.
"I have to wean off of this medication over the next three weeks. I'll start a new medication next week," Amy explains.
"Good, good. Thank you for being honest with Sarah. Why did you say you were fine initially?" Sheldon wonders.
"Sheldon, please. I have nothing left emotionally. I cannot fight with you right now," Amy pleads with him.
"I am not trying to fight. I want to understand. I want to help. I want to do whatever it takes to work through this," Sheldon promises. "Please talk to me? That is all I am asking for."
"What do you want me to say, Sheldon?" Amy questions, already becoming angry with him.
"Just talk. I'll listen. You can't keep holding this in, Amy."
"I have to hold it in. I don't have a choice but to internalize my pain and my anger and my frustration. I don't have anyone I can turn to. I can't talk with you without it becoming a fight. I can't talk with Penny or Bernadette because they can't know that we are having relationship issues. I can't talk with Mary or Meemaw because anything I say gets back to you. I don't have anyone, Sheldon, and that is incredibly isolating. I'm doing the best I can to cope with this by myself because I am alone in this."
"You are not alone," Sheldon promises.
"Tell me who I have left to talk to?" Amy sharply rebukes.
"Me. I love you, Amy. Seeing... hearing how much pain you are in... you are scaring me," Sheldon admits.
"I'm scaring myself, Sheldon," she whispers her confession.
"Have you... are you... self-harming or... thinking about... suicide?" he fearfully whispers.
"No, but I am in a very dark place, Sheldon. I've thought about just leaving and never coming back."
"Why?" he wonders.
"You hate me."
"I do not hate you, Amy. I love you. I am worried about you and that... fear... is manifesting as anger towards you. I'm sorry. What can I do? How can I help bring you back into the light?" he asks in what seems to be a monumental breakthrough for him.
"Why haven't you touched me? Why is today the first time you have held my hand in ten very long and painful weeks?" Amy wonders. "Are you cheating on me again?" she whispers.
"No, I am not cheating on you. I'm not perfect and I know that I will make mistakes but that is a mistake that I will never make again. I am not losing you, Amy."
"I feel that I am losing you, Sheldon. You got your baby and... that's all you wanted me for... your rent-a-uterus."
"That is..." he pauses looking for a word that will does not start a fight, " You had such a difficult labor. I told myself to limit our physical intimacy for a few days in order for you to rest. I intended to resume cuddling with you, kissing you... maybe taking you up on that offer of assistance if I foud myself sexually frustrated... but when you rolled over after I brought the baby into nurse, it infuriated me, Amy. I couldn't consider any form of intimacy with you... not after that. Are you able to be honest with me about why you rolled over rather than nursing the baby?" he requests.
"I can't explain it, Sheldon... at least in terms that make sense. I was exhausted, my nipples were cracked and nursing hurt... it physically hurt. I felt like a milk cow. That being said, not nursing Hope when she was crying was abuse and neglect and you are absolutely justified in being angry at me for that. I'm angry at myself for that. There is no excuse for harming my child. None."
"Why didn't you tell me that?" Sheldon wonders.
"Because... I... breast milk is best for her and I didn't want to admit to you... to myself... that I... I'm choosing my needs above Hope's."
"Amy,..."
"Here we go," Amy mutters under her breath as she angrily swats away her tears.
"Put the book down," he demands.
"Sheldon..."
"Please? Put down the book," he softly requests as he takes it out of her hands and reaches over her to lay it on her nightstand. Amy immediately tenses as Sheldon brushes her hair aside and caresses her tear-stained cheek.
"What are you thinking?" he quietly asks.
"I don't want to fight," she insistes as she turns her head away from his touch.
"What else?" he quietly asks.
"I don't... I don't understand why it's so difficult for us to communicate. We used to have great communication," Amy recalls.
"I disagree. Communication has always been a struggle for us to some extent and that is due to your fear of my reaction if you are honest with me about your wants, your needs, your desires," Sheldon points out.
"I don't ask for what I need because you become defensive and im..."
"Immature? Yes, I do, but, I also need to work on compromising with the person whom I love the most. To that end, I am going to start individual therapy sessions in addition to our weekly joint session," Sheldon shares.
"Sheldon... you called psychology "poppycock." Why are you...?"
"I want to marry you, Amy, but right now... I don't feel that I deserve you as my wife. I want to be a good husband to you, a good father to Hope, and that starts by learning from my past mistakes so I don't repeat them," Sheldon explains.
"I need you to stop hurting me in the present before we even begin to discuss how you have hurt me in the past," Amy pleads.
"That's fair," Sheldon agrees. "How can I show you that I love you?"
"Stop yelling at me. Stop treating me as though I am not to be trusted with our daughter. Stop withholding physical affection as punishment," she requests.
"Okay," he agrees. "Do you... do you want to cuddle?" Sheldon quietly requests.
"Yeah," Amy agrees. "Is Hope asleep?"
"She is. I left the door to her room open," Sheldon explains as he scooches down in the bed and settles on his back.
Amy's heavy sigh as she settles with her head on his chest brings unexpected feelings of guilt and remorse to the surface for Sheldon. He can feel how tense she is holding her body, afraid to relax and trust him.
"Relax," Sheldon whispers as he turns his head to plant a lingering kiss on Amy's forehead.
Holding Amy close, Sheldon closes his eyes and concentrates on controlling his breathing, hoping the calmness of their bedroom will help Amy to relax. It's only as he feels the hot wetness on his bare arm a few minutes later that he realizes she's crying.
"Talk to me," he softly pleads while opening his eyes and kissing the crown of Amy's head.
"Having a baby should have brought us closer together but it's tearing us apart," she whispers.
"I'm not giving up unless you do. Your hormones..."
"Do not blame this on hormones, Sheldon. We have unresolved issues completely unrelated to the birth of our daughter," Amy warns.
"I agree. As I was saying, your brain is swimming in goofy juices still. I'm not giving up on us. I love you. I am in love with you. Protest all you want but I know you are in love with me," Sheldon asserts.
"How do you know?" Amy wonders.
"You're still here. Despite everything I have done to hurt you... you're still here. We need to deal with all of it, Amy: my affair, my inability to compromise with you, my immaturity, my jealousy issues, my..."
"It's not just you, Sheldon. I have issues as well. It's called being human."
"Hmm," Sheldon hums. "Thank you for never subscribing to the Shelbot theory."
"Who says I didn't," Amy teases with a wink, making Sheldon lightly chuckle. "Are you up for discussing the questionnaire?"
"No. There will be time for that later. Tonight is for healing."
"Okay," Amy agrees as she finally relaxes her body and sinks into the embrace.
"I heard you talking with Sarah in the hallway but I couldn't understand what was being said," Amy questions after she settles.
"She said that it's going to be a team effort to get you through the depression and help you find the light again."
"Are you on my team?" Amy asks.
"I give you my word as a man, as the father of your child, and as your future husband, I am on your team, Team Amy," Sheldon vows.
"Team ShAmy," Amy corrects him.
It's the softness of Amy's fingers brushing away the tears that are wetting his cheek that bring Sheldon back to the present moment. Slowly blinking his eyes to clear the last vestiges of his walk down memory lane, Sheldon opens his eyes to immediately notice the deep frown lines that seem to have become permanently etched on Amy's forehead once again making an appearance.
"Where'd you go?" his wife questions, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Is he asleep?" Sheldon wonders, avoiding her question.
"Out like a light," Amy confirms. "Join me in the shower?"
"Go shower. I'll finish up Santa duties and meet you on the couch," Sheldon counters.
"Sheldon, what's going on?" Amy wonders as Sheldon holds out his hand to help her up off the floor. "You were crying. Talk to me, Babe, please," she begs him.
"When did Team ShAmy turn into Team Amy?" he wonders.
"What do you mean?" Amy wonders.
"I've never stopped being on your team, but you stopped being on mine around the time that I was questioned by the Feds," he argues.
"That was in October. Why are you just now bringing this up?" Amy wonders.
"You've had two book deadlines in six months, I've had 16 weeks of college campus tours..."
"We Facetime every night while you are traveling and you are home every weekend," Amy counters.
"We're falling back into old habits, Amy, and it scares me" Sheldon confesses.
"Okay. Let's talk this through. Do you want tea... or something stronger?" she teasingly suggests with a wink.
"Hope begged me to buy her hot chocolate with the mini marshmallows. I'm going to make a mug," Sheldon decides.
"That bottle of peppermint schnapps I purchased when you had bronchitis is locked in the safe in my office. It'd mix well with the hot chocolate. I'll retrieve it while you start the kettle" Amy requests.
Opening the bedroom door, Amy cringes as the hinges loudly squeak, awakening Charlie as he whines in his sleep. Sighing as she glances over to Charlie's crib where their son is calling for his Mama, Amy quickly pecks Sheldon's lips, dismissing him.
"I'm here, Baby. It's alright," Amy coos as she picks up their son. "I left phase 2 on your nightstand if you finish before I get him down."
They refer to each stage of Amy's writing process as a phase. Phase 2 involves heavy editing and rewrites. While Amy will take all of the editor's suggestions into consideration, the only opinion that holds any weight in what makes the final draft is his. Amy has deleted entire chapters after Sheldon suggested edits to make the story flow better or protect their privacy.
Phase 2 of her current project will be condensed to just the first two weeks of January, as the publisher wants to capitalize on the publicity surrounding the espionage scandal rocking CalTech right now. Having just recently been cleared of any wrongdoing due to their association with Ramona, Sheldon plans on the extra careful critique of Amy's book to protect their privacy.
Carefully, Sheldon moves the hidden Santa presents from the garage to under the Christmas tree. He goes into the office and unlocks his desk drawer, retrieving the small family-appropriate gift he purchased on impulse for Amy. As he finishes playing Santa, he peeks his head into Charlie's room, finding Amy still rocking their son to sleep. Gently shutting the door, he checks on Hope as well, finding her sound asleep on her pink bean bag chair. Knowing better than to try moving her, Sheldon covers her with her blanket and goes into his room to change into his pajamas.
Settling into bed, Sheldon reaches over and grabs the latest version of Amy's manuscript from his nightstand. Opening the bound pages to the chapter about Amy's Mother, Rita, and Sam Walowitz, he softly chuckles as he reads the first paragraph:
On our wedding day, I promised to love Stephen, "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through every storm and obstacle life will throw at us, until death parts us." By now, you've probably figured out that the road to marriage wasn't easy for us. The last obstacle is one we never saw coming and proved to be our biggest challenge yet... a 250-pound behemoth known as my mother.
He circles the words, "250 pounds" and writes, "Do you really want to poke the bear?" in the margins. Closing his eyes he immediately recalls the day before their wedding, when he wasn't sure whether he would ever get the opportunity to finally make Amy his wife.
"I don't know if I can go through with the wedding if my mother isn't there."
He's just been dropkicked in the heart, Sheldon thinks as Amy delivers the stunning news that she may call off their wedding tomorrow. She's been dropping you subtle hints for weeks, Cooper. She doesn't want to marry you. You are an idiot! he suddenly realizes. It's been there all along. It's why she asked him to move out of the home they recently purchased, it's why he had to have Penny pick up and drop off Hope for visitation and it's why he currently can't breathe. He needs to get out of the car, Sheldon decides as he feels the world going dark around him.
Something's wrong, Amy realizes as she hears Sheldon's ragged breathing. Looking at him through the rearview mirror, she kills the engine when she notices the tiny beads of sweat breaking out on Sheldon's forehead. Exiting the car, she immediately makes her way to the back door and lovingly rubs Sheldon's back as Sheldon turns and places his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands.
"Panic attack?" she questions as he nods a few times in confirmation.
"Shhh. It's alright. Shhh. We'll talk this out but I need for you to focus on getting air into your lungs right now, okay?" she requests as Sheldon nods in agreement. "Take a slow deep breath for me," she coaches him, taking a calming breath herself and holding it for a count of 5. "Slow exhale," she encourages. "Good. Again."
Coaching him through nine more breaths, she smiles when she sees Sheldon start to calm down. Bringing his hand to her lips, she gently kisses the top before bringing their clasped hands to rest over her heart.
"Sheldon, listen to me. I am not having cold feet, alright? I've been referring to you as my husband for months now and I love it every time I say it. I want to marry you. I want to be Mrs. Doctor Sheldon Cooper more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life," she softly murmurs to him. "I love you."
"I... I love... you...too," Sheldon struggles to reply. "I'm...I'm sorry. I'm... I thought..." he stumbles, failing to find the words to explain how he feels.
" You thought that I was using this month apart to reevaluate whether I wanted to go through with the wedding," Amy guesses.
"Yes. Are.. are you... in love with me?" Sheldon asks, referring back to their first session of marriage counseling where Amy stated that she would not marry him unless she had fallen in love again.
"Yes," Amy immediately reassures him. "I love you. I am in love with you, Sheldon. No cold feet, no second thoughts. I am all in," she promises him.
"Why did I have to check my daughter out of daycare in order to spend time with her? Why did Penny have to pick up my daughter and take her home without me?" Sheldon wonders.
"That was a mistake, Sheldon," Amy admits. "I thought that if I saw you in person... I would crack and give in to that craving for physical contact with you. I needed this time..."
"To talk yourself out of marrying me," Sheldon accuses.
"NO! Damn it, Sheldon. Are you listening to a word I'm saying right now?" Amy yells at him.
"Have you, at any time since I proposed in Paris, had second thoughts about marrying me?" Sheldon softly asks.
"Of course I have but that doesn't mean that I don't want to marry you! Why are we fighting about this?" she wonders
"What else do I have to do, Amy? I've given you everything short of a pound of flesh but if that is what it takes before you forgive me for Ramona..."
"Do not use her name around me..." Amy warns.
"Have you forgiven me?" he softly asks.
"I... I'm not going to lie to you, Sheldon. I am still struggling with that situation. I think... that fear... that I did something to push you into her arms... that you might do it again... that will always be there to some extent. I want to forgive you. I want to get to a place where we can talk about it without it causing a visceral reaction from either of us. I'm not there yet. Is... is that a dealbreaker?" Amy worries.
"No," he promises. "I just want to be married to you, Amy, legally and forever," Sheldon softly murmurs.
Closing her eyes, Amy nods once, swallowing hard as she fights back tears at the earnestness and sincerity in Sheldon's statement. They have gotten through everything else...
Are they really going to let Rita Fowler be the one thing that stands in their way to wedded bliss?
"I want that too, Sheldon... more than anything," Amy vows. "So, what's our play? I need my mom here tomorrow," Amy points out before sighing heavily.
"I don't know. Should we even get the license? If she doesn't come, the wedding is off, right?" he confirms.
"I don't want to wait another year to marry you," Amy softly murmurs as tears spring to her eyes
"Are you alright?" Sheldon wonders as he reaches to wipe away her tears.
"I'm stressed out, Babe... and I'm thinking that I should've dragged your ass to the nearest wedding chapel in Vegas when you suggested it," Amy teases.
"We can still cancel and go to Vegas," Sheldon offers.
"I'm joking, Sheldon. It's just been so stressful with the planning and my mother's drama and Hope teething and not sleeping through the night and work and... and... and," Amy punctuates with a heavy sigh. "Are you alright now?" she questions.
"Yeah. Thank you for teaching Hope to say, Dada," he murmurs.
"She's Daddy's little princess. It was total silence when attempting Mama but boy the second I brought up a picture of you on the phone and said Dada, she became a little chatterbox."
"Does that bother you that she said Dada first?" Sheldon wonders.
"It... I know I'll get a 'Mama' eventually so I'm trying not to let it bother me but... I wonder if things had been different... if I had tried to bond with her sooner... if I hadn't been such a... excuse my language... piss poor excuse of a mother..."
"That was not your fault, Amy. I know you feel remorse for those early months when you were fighting depression, but Hope will not remember that. That was out of your control. You are a wonderful mother," He reassures her.
"Speaking of mothers... I don't know what to do, Sheldon. I'm open to suggestions."
"I don't either, Amy. Do you want to call Sarah? She said that she's available all week if we need an emergency session leading up to the wedding," Sheldon reminds her.
"I... let me think about this some while we're running errands. There has to be an obvious solution that we're overlooking."
"Okay," Sheldon agrees. "I love you."
"I love you too," Amy whispers.
Instinctively leaning forward for a kiss, Amy is shocked when Sheldon suddenly rears back, avoiding her kiss. Looking hurt, she looks into his worried blue eyes, searching for answers.
"Do I have onion breath from that bagel?" Amy jokes
"We've made it this far. We can make it 30 more hours," he gently coaches.
"If you insist," she sighs.
"I'm dying to kiss you, Amy," he softly murmurs before kissing her cheek. "Among other things," he whispers in her ear, making her blush.
"Hoo," she mutters just loud enough for Sheldon to hear.
As Amy returns to the driver's seat and shifts the car into reverse, Sheldon's mind simultaneously kicks into high gear as he worries that Amy is simply trying to placate him. Would she go through all of this only to leave him jilted at the altar as a form of ultimate revenge? Telling himself to stop being ridiculous, he pinches the bridge of his nose to relieve some tension as Amy stops at a red light.
"Hey... talk to me" Amy requests as she looks into the rearview mirror to find her fiance looking distressed.
"Do you want revenge... for what I did?" Sheldon quietly asks.
"I'm over that stage, Sheldon. That's not to say that I am over the hurt and the jealousy and the... the anger... but our relationship is stronger for having gone through that... having survived that. I think of our relationship as chapters of a book. We're turning the page and starting a new chapter, as husband and wife, as parents, and as partners and lovers. Can I ask you something?" Amy wonders as the light turns green.
"You can ask me anything, Amy," Sheldon promises.
"If we didn't have Hope, would you still want to marry me... after everything?" Amy wonders as she bites her bottom lip in nervousness about his answer.
"I think... having a child changed everything, Amy. I don't regret having a child with you, but, I do wish the timing had been different... that she would've been a planned pregnancy. Adding a child to this... shit show..." he emphasizes, making Amy laugh at his unexpected use of profanity, "exponentially complicated everything. In hindsight, I wish that we would've maintained zero contact while you were in Paris. I wish that you would've pushed me away when your father died..."
"I needed you during that, Sheldon. My world was crumbling and I needed to just... feel that I was loved... I was wanted... Lord knows I didn't... I don't have that relationship with my mother..."
"I know, Amy. I'm thankful that I was able to be there to support you through that... but... by the same token, I took advantage of that vulnerability. If I could do this over, I would want for us to have zero contact until after you finished your time in Paris and then for us to slowly try to reconcile," Sheldon admits.
"That makes sense, Sheldon. I think... if things had been different... I likely would've dated Dave. You and I may have not gotten another chance."
"Oh," Sheldon hums in shock. "Do you regret not dating him?"
"No. He wanted more than I was ready for at the time and I'm glad I didn't jump into that... but... I do wonder, 'what if?"
"Amy... do you wish you had another sexual partner besides me?" Sheldon suddenly asks.
"No. Marrying my first and only... that is something incredibly rare and... and precious, Sheldon. I have no regrets in that aspect."
"I... I'm sorry I..."
"I know, Sheldon," Amy promises. "After tomorrow, you are mine forever, so if you even look at another woman in a way that I deem inappropriate, you will be in the dog house."
"Having recently escaped the dog house, this mutt will be on his best behavior," Sheldon promises.
"He's a tramp, but I love him," Amy sings, before winking at Sheldon.
"Lady and the Tramp? You wound me."
"Now that we are parents, I have the perfect cover to watch all of the Disney movies I want."
Setting aside the manuscript as Amy opens their bedroom door, Sheldon softly smiles at Amy as she locks the door behind her and removes the oversized plum-colored sweatshirt she threw on earlier. He watches her hunched shoulders as Amy stands at the dresser with her drawer open, seeming to have an internal debate about what to wear to bed.
"Whatever you choose is going to end up in a crumpled ball on the floor," he teasingly reminds her, eliciting a soft chuckle.
"I feel that I need to wear something while we talk," Amy admits as she settles on one of her old long-sleeved nightgowns and disappears into the bathroom.
Sighing heavily, Sheldon knows what that gown means. It's her battle shield and they will not be engaging in coitus tonight. Getting out of bed, Sheldon quickly grabs a pair of sleep pants and pulls them up just as the bathroom door opens.
"So... you want to talk?" Amy questions as she gets into bed on her side and reaches for the tube of lotion on her nightstand.
"I want to talk, not fight," Sheldon softly pleads.
"I don't want to fight either, Sheldon," Amy promises as she sets the lotion aside and turns towards her husband."What's wrong?"
"I... I feel that I live with two different people," Sheldon admits. "During the day, around our children, around our friends and our families... you are the woman I fell hopelessly in love with... affectionate, loving, flirty... but after our children are down for the night...after our friends leave... behind closed doors, I feel that I am simply your roommate, rather than your husband. You're putting on a show... and I want to know why?"
"Putting on a show?" Amy mimics in disbelief.
"You've been pulling away from me... both physically and emotionally. I have my suspicions why, but I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth..."
"Careful, Bud," Amy warns.
"So to speak," Sheldon quickly adds.
"I'm sorry you are feeling neglected but you know how busy we are, Sheldon. I've had two book deadlines in the last six months and you travel for work..." Amy argues.
"I am home every weekend, Amy. That's the deal we made before conceiving Charles," Sheldon reminds her. "There is a reason that we have gone from making love three times per week to you sleeping on the futon in your office."
"You're mad that we are not having sex?" Amy asks, flabbergasted. "That's rather ironic coming from you."
"The irony is not lost on me, Amy. I... I miss you... and not just because I am being denied an orgasm..."
"So this is about masturbation? Sheldon, my masturbatory habits have nothing to do with my desire to be intimate with you. Are you upset that I masturbate?" Amy asks.
"When it is at the expense of, rather than in addition to, intimacy with me, then yes, I am upset by the fact that you are masturbating every single night," Sheldon confesses.
"Not... not every night," Amy meekly replies before asking, "Are you telling me that you have not masturbated once in the past five years?"
"Not when my wife is in the next room," Sheldon replies. "It sounds like it is about sex, which... I mean... it's not just the sex, Amy. If we did not have sex for the rest of our lives together, I would be content as long as you still cuddle with me, still, kiss me, still hold my hand over a cup of tea."
"I don't have time, Sheldon. There are literally not enough hours in the day..."
"Then make time for me, Amy!" Sheldon yells in frustration, surprising his wife. "I am begging for your time, for your attention, as are our children!"
"I have never neglected our children!" Amy claims.
"Oh, I beg to differ!" Sheldon exclaims.
"Do not go there, Sheldon," Amy warns.
"I don't have to because you know the truth."
"Fine. Was I a shitty mother to Hope? Yes! Alright? Are you happy?! I was a shitty mother for the first year of her life! But I got the help I needed, Sheldon! Do not use that against me," Amy pleads as she swats away her tears.
"Now you have a little taste of my life for the past five years. I have been begging and pleading with you to love me... to forgive me... but every time I do something you don't like, you immediately use my affair as a weapon against me," Sheldon claims.
"So this is all my fault? How about, for once, you take some of the blame for not being the man I fell in love with! FOR RISKING OUR FAMILY!" Amy yells at him as she violently grips her pillow in both hands.
"What are you talking about?!" Sheldon yells back.
"You know EXACTLY what I am talking about, Sheldon. Don't play dumb. It's not a good look for you."
"In this instance, I am not feigning my ignorance. If you are judge, jury, and executioner, then I request to be informed of my perceived crimes," Sheldon smugly replies.
I'm done," Amy decides as she quickly gets out of their bed.
"I'm done too, Amy. I am done pretending that we have the perfect fairy tale marriage! Why won't you talk to me about what is bothering you?!" Sheldon wonders.
"This! This is why I don't talk to you! You are impossible when you think you are right!" Amy replies in frustration.
"At the bare minimum, I deserve an explanation as to why," Sheldon requests.
"I do not have to offer any explanation as to why I do not want to be intimate with you. YOU do NOT own me or my vagina! You have two hands. Use them!"
"I never said you owe me coitus, Amy. I just thought... forget it. Just warn me before you file for divorce, alright?" Sheldon requests.
"I don't want to fight. I'm going to be in my office," Amy whispers in response as tears choke her throat.
"It's about her, isn't it?" Sheldon deduces, stopping Amy in her tracks. "You are continuing to punish me because of a mistake I made five fucking years ago. I swear to you, Amy... I have not seen or spoken to her at any point in the last five years," Sheldon vows as Amy's hand comes to rest on the door handle. "I did, however, offer my advice to Dr. Noyes when he requested assistance on his quantum factoring project. I believe that is how I became caught up in the espionage scandal," Sheldon explains.
"I don't believe you. I don't! You lie and scheme and..."
"This damn book is reopening wounds for you... and I don't know how to suture them closed once again," Sheldon remorsefully confesses as he fights to keep calm.
"Do you want me to pull the book deal? Would that make you happy?" Amy growls.
"Hypothetically, let's say I did. Would you?" Sheldon counters.
"Answer the question, Sheldon," Amy evasively replies.
"What I wish is that you would've spoken to me before sending the proposal to your publisher... or at the very least, waited until you hadn't just consumed an entire bottle of wine by yourself! Wish in one hand and defecate in the other. See what you get the most of," he bitterly recites.
"What the hell does that mean?!" Amy wonders.
"We are not communicating, Amy. Just talk to me. That is all I want from you," Sheldon softly pleads.
"You don't know what's wrong? Are you really that fucking clueless, Sheldon?! I had to watch my husband's head get slammed onto our kitchen island while having loaded rifles pointed at me! I had to watch you be handcuffed and dragged out of our home! Thank God..."
"God?" Sheldon interrupts.
"Yes, in this instance, I am thanking God that our children were asleep and did not witness that," Amy defiantly replies with a raised eyebrow, daring him to contradict her.
"Fair enough," Sheldon mumbles.
"I thought we were done with her, Sheldon. I now have to question whether you have, in fact, had contact with Ramona at any point in the last five years. This doesn't make sense..." Amy explains.
"I swear on my life... on the lives of our children..."
"Don't you ever wish harm to our children..." Amy warns in a low growl.
"After five years of marriage and two children together, I mistakenly believed that I had proven myself, Amy... proven my love for you, my fidelity to you..."
"You have..."
"Then why are you continuing to punish me?" Sheldon wonders.
"I'm NOT!" she yells at him.
"If this is not punishment, then what the hell is going on, Amy? I thought I had proven myself! I love you. I am in love with you, Amy... but now I am wondering if you are only here because you got pregnant with Hope and feel trapped."
"I refuse to take that bait, Sheldon. I'm going to write..."
"Run away. It's what you do best."
"Excuse me?! I am not the one that went on a 45-day train adventure over a kitchen table! I am not the one that fucked Bimbo Barbie as revenge for my partner taking a research project without speaking to me about it first!" Amy yells at him.
"Go drown your sorrows in another bottle of wine. You singlehandedly keep that company in business."
"FUCK YOU!" Amy spits out as she slams the bedroom door.
"I WISH YOU WOULD!" Sheldon yells at the door as he throws the manuscript at it.
It's the softly murmured "Mommy?" that stops Amy dead in her tracks. Turning around, Amy's heart instantly breaks at seeing Hope clinging to her teddy bear as tears fall from her big beautiful blue eyes.
"Hi, Baby. What are you doing up?" Amy wonders.
"You and Daddy were yelling at each other and it woke me up," Hope explains.
"I'm sorry, Sweetie. Let's go back to bed so Santa comes, okay?" Amy suggests.
"NO!" Hope defiantly yells at her mother. "Daddy is going to leave!"
"Did your Daddy tell you that?" Amy wonders.
"No. Sydney told me that her Mommy and Daddy said the same bad words during their last fight and then her Daddy left," Hope explains.
"Hope, even when we fight, which is very, very rare, your Daddy and I still love each other," Amy promises. "Nobody is going to leave. I promise."
"But why are you hurting Daddy's heart if you love him?" Hope wonders.
"It's... it's complicated, sweetheart... but I promise that your Daddy and I are going to talk after we calm down and everything is going to be fine," Amy swears as she holds out her pinky to seal the promise.
Looking at her mother, Hope feels that she is being lied to, but knowing she could make her Mommy mad if she keeps asking questions, Hope reluctantly makes the pinky promise. Worriedly looking at the closed door of her parent's bedroom, Hope wants nothing more than to knock and go talk with her Daddy, but if she does, that means it will take longer for Santa to come.
"Do you want to come to hang out in my office?" Amy wonders.
"Daddy said that I can't go in there," Hope explains.
"Did Daddy say why you can't go in there?" Amy wonders.
"Daddy said that your office is where your demons live and I need to leave you alone while you battle them," Hope explains.
Hope is breaking her heart. Sighing heavily, Amy crouches down to hug her baby girl. Gently kissing the crown of Hope's head, Amy reaches for her tiny hand and leads her to the office door.
Sensing Hope's nervousness, Amy pauses with her hand on the handle and says, "When I count to 3, I am going to open the door and turn on the light so you can see my office."
"Will the demons hurt me?" Hope murmurs, close to a whisper.
"No, Sweetie. There are no demons or monsters in my office. Nothing will hurt you," Amy promises.
"Why would Daddy lie to me?" Hope wonders.
"I don't know, Sweetie," Amy admits. "Daddy doesn't lie, especially to you, so he had a very good reason to tell you that there are demons and monsters in my office," Amy explains. "You'll need to ask him."
"Mommy, do you lie?" Hope wonders as her mother barely cracks open the large white door of her office.
"Yes, Sweetie. I don't do it very often and I have never lied to you, but I have lied before," Amy admits.
"To Daddy?" Hope wonders.
"Yes," Amy admits.
"Have you lied to Daddy today?" Hope asks.
"Yes," Amy confesses.
"Did Daddy hurt your heart?" Hope whispers, as if it is a secret.
"Yes," Amy whispers back as she fully opens the door to her office.
Turning towards her Mommy, Hope immediately wraps her arms around Amy's waist, trying her best to offer comfort. Crouching down, Amy embraces her baby in a tight bear hug as the little girl's tears begin to fall once again.
"What's wrong?" Amy whispers.
"I'm scared that I won't see my Daddy anymore," Hope confesses.
"Oh, Sweetheart. I promise, Hope, I would never, ever intentionally keep you away from your father and he would never, ever leave you and Charlie if he didn't have to, " Amy attempts to reassure her scared daughter.
"Do you love my Daddy?" Hope wonders.
"Yes, I love your Daddy very much, even when we are fighting and he makes me mad and hurts my heart," Amy admits.
"Love shouldn't hurt," Hope points out.
"You're right, we shouldn't hurt the people we love, but everyone makes mistakes, Hope. When we calm down, your Daddy and I will talk and I will say that I'm sorry that I hurt his heart," Amy explains.
"I want you to go say you are sorry right now," Hope pleads.
"Honey, I know you are trying to fix it, but that is not your job, okay? Daddy and I have to fix this when we are ready."
"I want you and Daddy to go talk to Miss Sarah again," Hope requests.
"I think that is a very good idea. When did you get so smart?" Amy asks.
"I don't know. Mommy, can I ask a question?" Hope requests.
"Of course," Amy replies as she opens her office door and turns on the lights.
Slowly turning around, Hope peeks around the door jamb into her mother's dimly lit office. The large oak desk near the window is covered in papers and sticky notes as Mommy's two computer screens glow. In the other corner are a very comfortable-looking futon couch and a bean bag facing a small tv. It doesn't look scary, Hope decides as she enters and goes to the bookshelf where she retrieves the first book her Mommy wrote, Land of the Shining Mountains.
"What does fuck mean?" Hope wonders.
Amy is barely able to hold back her laughter as she bites her lip. Quickly composing herself, she settles on the futon next to Hope and reaches to cover them with the large emerald green blanket that is at her side.
"First off, it is considered a bad word that I don't want you to say, alright?" Amy requests as Hope nods in understanding. "Fuck... the f word... has several different meanings. You heard me yell "fuck you" at Daddy right?" Amy asks as Hope nods in confirmation. "In that sense, it expresses extreme anger."
"But Daddy yelled, "I wish you would!" and threw something at the door," Hope points out.
"Fuck is also another word for coitus," Amy explains.
"Okay, that's gross. I'm done," Hope decides as she covers her ears, making her mother laugh.
"Mommy, how come you write the books but this lady's name and picture are on the books?" Hope wonders as she hands the book to her mother.
"Well, I use a fake name because it gives us privacy," Amy explains. "The initials of the name I use, Anna Mae Young, are A.M.Y. which spells Amy, my real first name. The picture was picked by the company that prints my books."
"Do you like that it's not you?" Hope wonders.
"I do," Amy admits. "I wouldn't be able to take you to Disneyland anymore if it was my name or my picture."
"Oh. Mommy, did you marry Daddy because you got pregnant with me?" Hope softly questions.
"Oh, Baby," Amy gasps as Hope's face turns red from trying to hold back her tears. "No. No, absolutely not. When Daddy asked me to marry him, we hadn't made you yet. You were a surprise, but you know what, Baby?" Amy asks as she pauses and leans over, cupping her hand around Hope's ear. "You are my favorite surprise," Amy whispers in Hope's ear, making her baby smile. "Oh, come here, Sweetheart," Amy softly murmurs as Hope continues to cry.
Quickly crawling into her mother's lap, Hope continues to sob as her mother softly rocks her and rubs her back. She has to fix this, Hope decides. She just doesn't know how.
"Did you know that Daddy chose your name the day he found out that you were in my tummy?" Amy wonders.
"He did? Why did he name me Hope?" the little girl wonders.
As the girls settle in for storytime, back in the bedroom, Sheldon's blood is boiling after that fight. Getting out of bed, he locks the bedroom door and then hooks the hook of the lock on the bathroom door through the eye that is screwed into the door jamb, effectively isolating himself from his family.
There is no way he can expect to share a bed with his wife while in Paris, Sheldon decides. Retrieving the large suitcase he packed earlier in the day for him and Amy, Sheldon lifts it onto the bed before going into the closet to grab the smaller backpack-like suitcase he uses while traveling for work. Unzipping the larger suitcase first, Sheldon is greeted by the gift box containing the sexy purple lace teddy that he purchased for Amy. Opening the box, which he has yet to gift wrap, he decides he's not taking it to Paris. Why spend the next ten days wishing and hoping for something that is not going to happen?
Maybe they'd be better off canceling the trip, Sheldon decides. What is meant to be a honeymoon of sorts is turning into a disaster before their feet even leave solid ground. Grabbing his phone, Sheldon pulls up the app for the airline and with a few clicks has a refund issued to his bank account.
Opening the white gift box, Sheldon violently scrubs his eyes with his palms to erase the images of Amy wearing lingerie that are creeping into his memory. Quickly grabbing the scrap of material, he crumples it into a ball and tosses it in the garbage can on Amy's side of the bed. He decides to take off his ring as well and lays it in the small dish on Amy's nightstand, next to her rings.
Going to the closet, Sheldon retrieves a stack of important documents and quickly riffles through them to find the divorce agreement. Grabbing a pen from atop Amy's nightstand, Sheldon flips to the last page and quickly signs his name. His hands are shaking as he places it in the white gift box and lays it on Amy's pillow. As fast as possible, he transfers his clothes from the large suitcase to the smaller bag. Unlocking both doors, he quietly stops to slip on his shoes and coat before leaving the house in the waiting Uber.