The swat truck was stiflingly uncomfortable. It wasn't the heavy armor. It wasn't because the cheif was only sending them on this because she was still mad at them. It wasn't because Javik was starting to growl audibly at the psycho biotic across from him, or even because of the bumpy ride. It wasn't even because he was awkwardly squished between two krogan.
It was the horrible quality of the company.
"So, you think you're too good to talk, $+!t8!/d?" Psycho Baldy kept taunting Javik, and it wasn't going to end well. "And who keeps /u([!#& censoring me?"
"Um, the author." Garrus dared to interject. All hostile eyes immediately went to him."Duh,"
"The /u([ you mean, mother/u([#%." Psycho asked most unpleasantly. Massani saw this as a chance to snap at her.
"The _/=#% person who $$% ÷#= decides if we die, live, or ride a #$$÷ train off a # ÷×!' cliff!" He crouched. " You think you got it so # ÷×÷=$ bad, this one's a #÷$=%% Catholic; she's censoring my #÷$=%/'s!"
"Yup. That's about it." Garrus agreed. The Krogan were both still learning at him, but the young one suddenly looked thoughtful.
"If she can make us ride a train off a cliff, can she give me a dinosaur?" Grunt asked hopefully.
"I guess, but it wouldn't fit with the plot. I mean, dinosaurs are extinct. We'd have to go through some long, tedious alternate universe plotline where some idiot brings back dinosaurs, and not everyone has the patience to write all that." The turian told him. "Sure, she could give you a dinosuar for no reason at all, with no prior plot and no explanation just for $#!+$ and giggles, but that's unlikely to happen. Unless the readers low key campaign for it, authors have been known to cave to that."
"How do I make it happen?" The young krogan demanded.
"A reader campaign? Work up your emotions, and I mean really sell it. Then, being as emotional as possible, with lots of detailed emotional description in your actions, tell 'em" what you want." He explained, putting one arm around the krogan's back like a care salesman trying to sell. Grunt nodded, and started to look concentrated.
"Can we make he give me a new partner." Javik sneered. Grunt began to sniffle softly.
"Nope!"Garrus grinned at him, clapping his hands together."The entire premise of this stupid cluster# ÷× would be lost!
Grunt rose suddenly, shadows lining his face and tears watering in his eyes. Voice starting as a sob and rising to a bellow, he roared, "I WANT A DINOSUAR!", falling to his knees with his fists raised to the sky in despair, before breaking down completely, and collapsing with a sob. Garrus slow clapped.
"I hate this cycle."
No I'm not dead, yes this came from my head, no I don't know what you just read, just because It came from my head doesn't mean I know how it got there in the first place.
Whotellsyourstory: Maybe. Depends on how far this monstrosity goes.
Bigguestinboots: Maybe not one maning thing, but here is SWAT Grunt.
Seabo76: It's supposed to be off the wall, it's supposed to make spoofs look like spoofs. The pineapple will always make an appearance. Thanks!
Guest: Glad you enjoy it!
No one: two years later; here have some more.
I'm trying to exercise my writing muscles with a new Destiny/ME Xover if anyone is interested. I just made this because it's stupid, it belongs here, and I needed to write some humor after all the angst of that fic. Hint: Crow.
Anyway, aside from my status as a pet owner(leopard gecko, 4 months old now), nothing new to report!
Fare Thee Well!