TW: Mentions of PTSD
The sun is shining, the drinks are flowing, and everyone is smiling. The only issue with today is that Hailey is standing too far away.
"Stop looking at me like that," she remarks as Jay grabs a cooler filled with extra ice from his truck and they start walking towards the park.
It's the annual first responder Fourth of July picnic that the city puts on each year. It's always a good time, with food and games and plenty of drinks. While Jay normally isn't one for big get-togethers put on by the city, he can stomach this one. However, for the past few years, Intelligence has either caught a case during the first week of July or there was something else prohibiting Jay from going.
It's his first time in a while coming back and it feels good, especially when Hailey is walking right beside him, in jean shorts and a red tank top.
"Can't help it," he murmurs, shifting the ice from one hand to the other as he eyes her knowingly. "You look hot."
"Well, it's almost ninety degrees-"
He rolls his eyes at her, and she just shoots him a proud grin.
"You know that's not what I meant," he tries again and this time, it's Hailey who is rolling her eyes.
"I'm well aware," she says before taking a step forward and turning around so she is standing in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. "I'm also aware that none of our friends know about our relationship, so if you would like to keep it that way, I suggest trying to behave yourself."
"Who said I want to keep it that way?" He says cheekily, but it's a worthless challenge because she just sighs and shakes her head.
"We'll tell them," she says. "Just try and behave today, okay?"
Jay scoffs as she returns to his side and they continue walking over to where all the drinks are set up, placing the cooler with the others. They both grab a beer and head over to a shaded area where the other members of Intelligence are standing.
"You say that like I don't behave at these things," Jay says under his breath, pretending to be annoyed.
"Jay," she says softly, in that way she does when she wants him to know she thinks he is being ridiculous, and she just laughs when he looks over at her.
"I just find it rude that I can't hold my girlfriend's hand here, that's all," he shrugs nonchalantly, lowering his voice now that they are just a few feet from the others.
"I'll tell you what," Hailey says in a low murmur, slowing her steps. "Play your cards right and you can hold my hand at next year's picnic."
"Well, twist my arm," he says when Hailey is just out of earshot and is greeting the rest of their friends.
"Look who finally made it!" Adam complains dramatically, raising his beer in the air.
"And together no less," Trudy hums.
Jay watches as his girlfriend shoots Trudy a knowing look, not saying a word as he just sips his beer. He nods to the other three officers, ignoring the way Trudy's eyes lock on him.
"Voight not here?" Jay asks.
Adam shakes his head. "He said there's a lot of things the white shirts can make him do but coming to this picnic isn't one of them."
"That's fine, though," Kevin cuts in. "More beer for the rest of us."
"Amen to that," Kim laughs. "I was definitely on patrol the last time I was able to come to one of these things. So, here's to actually having a day off."
They all raise their bottles to a toast, except for Trudy, who just takes a slow sip of her beer with a roll of her eyes.
"Upton, you come to any of these before you started in Intelligence?" Kevin asks.
"Yeah, the year before I started with you guys actually," she hums. "Although, I will say, Robbery-Homicide was a bit of a dull unit, so I doubt it was as fun as today will be."
"What, did your Sergeant make you all stand around and talk about crime statistics?" Trudy teases and by the way Hailey laughs, she is not too far off.
In the past four years, she's made a comment or two about how humor was hard to find in her old unit, how she never clicked with them the way she did with Intelligence. Jay likes to tell her that it's because she was meant to be with them, with him, and she always rolls her eyes but doesn't disagree.
"Basically," Hailey mutters, pressing her beer to her lips again. "By the end of the day, I just snuck off with my friend who was a paramedic over at House 64 and we watched the fireworks. So, at least I got to enjoy an hour of the day."
"Oh, I love the fireworks," Kim says excitedly, a smile beaming on her face "I can't wait to enjoy them with Makayla."
"As long as we don't have a repeat of the last fireworks show, I'm good," Kevin mutters.
Kim blushes and Adam rolls his eyes, while Hailey shoots Kevin a questioning glance, confused about what story he is referencing.
"Something happen at the fireworks last time you guys came?"
"Did something happen?" Kevin deadpans. "These two" he motions between Adam and Kim "were drunk and acting like a couple of high schoolers left alone for the first time. It was sickening."
Hailey and Jay both let out loud laughs while Adam shakes his head proudly, leaving poor Kim to blush from embarrassment, muttering something about how they just recently got engaged and they weren't that bad.
"Don't you laugh, Jay," Kevin continues, pointing at the detective. "It's not like you were there to save me."
"Probably off doing the same thing with Erin," Adam mutters cockily under his breath, earning him a smack from Kim.
"Sorry, I just mean-"
"It's all good," Jay cuts him off quickly, noticing the way Hailey tenses up slightly next to him.
They've talked about his past, about both of their pasts, and while he knows Hailey is the farthest thing from a jealous person, he is sure she does not exactly want to be hearing stories of her boyfriend doing who knows what with the girl who broke his heart.
"Anyway," Kevin changes the subject. "Cornhole is open and the other thing I remember from the last picnic is that we said there would be a rematch the next time we were here."
Jay laughs, remembering how frustrated Adam and Kevin got when he beat them round after round at cornhole, blaming his training as a sniper for his victories. The two officers said that the next time they all managed to get a day off for the picnic, there would be a rematch and they would make the detective pay.
"Fine," Jay says. "But when I embarrass you both again, remember that this was your idea."
"Well, that's my cue to leave," Trudy interrupts. "Because I would embarrass all of you and we just don't need that."
The Sergeant walks off without another word, leaving the five remaining officers laughing and shaking their heads.
"So, what do we say?" Kevin says as they start making their way over to the cornhole game. "Detectives versus officers or-"
"I think we should split the detectives up," Hailey cuts him off. "Make things more fair."
Jay raises his eyebrow, shooting Hailey a confused look, but she doesn't respond, keeping her eyes set on Kevin, who seems to agree.
"Alright, makes sense," Kevin says. "So, Upton, it's you and me versus Kim, Adam, and Jay?"
"Excuse me?" Kim chuckles, setting her beer down by one of the cornhole boards. "Why do I have to go with the two boys?"
"Because they'll hurt themselves if you don't," Hailey laughs, rolling her eyes at the way Adam sticks his tongue out at her. "I'm gonna go find all the beanbags."
"I'll help you," Jay murmurs, setting his beer down next to Kim's before trailing behind Hailey.
He waits a few seconds, just until they are out of earshot from the other three officers, and whispers, "There a reason you wanted to be on different teams?"
Hailey shrugs. "The two of us use snipers the most. Figured we should level the playing field."
'You sure it's that?" Jay asks as he bends down and grabs two beanbags. "You sure it's not-"
"Erin?" She asks quietly as she picks up three beanbags of her own. "Are you asking me if I am jealous about a story about your ex-girlfriend from like six years ago?"
Hearing her say it out loud, it all sounds a little silly, but he doesn't want anything messing this up, not his past and not some stories, so sometimes, he can't help but worry.
"You know," he murmurs. "The way Kev told the story isn't exactly how it went down."
"Jay," she sighs, standing up straight and turning around to face him. He comes to stand in front of her, glancing back at their friends a few feet away who seem to be in the middle of a lively conversation.
"You don't need to explain anything to me," she whispers sincerely. "I mean it."
"Okay," he breathes out, not quite sure at first. But after a moment, he nods.
"Besides," she bites her lip, glancing past him to make sure their friends are still distracted before taking a step forward. "I really just wanted to be on different teams so I could beat your ass."
"Oh," he cocks his head to the side, raising a challenging eyebrow at her. "Is that so? You remember that I'm a trained sniper, correct?"
Hailey shrugs. "Yeah, I know that. I also know that I am going to be standing behind the target and you might…"
She leans forward, lightly pressing her hand against his chest as she whispers, "Get distracted."
Before he can even respond, she pushes against his chest and turns away. As she walks off to grab the remaining beanbags, Jay just watches her go, standing there breathless in between the two cornhole boards. It takes him a moment to regain his composure, catching up to Hailey a few seconds later.
"You're dangerous, you realize that?"
"Yeah," she hums proudly, picking up the last of the beanbags and tossing two to him so they are holding the same amount. "Now I just gotta figure out what I want when I win."
"What makes you so sure you are gonna win?"
There is a devilish smile on her face, and he can tell she is about to say something that's going to leave him breathless yet again, but Kevin calls out from behind them, asking if they found all the beanbags.
"Saved by the bell," she whispers. "Good luck, Halstead."
"Don't need it," he winks at her before turning around.
He tosses two bean bags to Adam who goes to stand at the other cornhole board along with Hailey, who is staring intently at him. Jay goes over to the other board and stands next to Kim and Kevin, handing Kim one of the bean bags for their team.
"Ready to lose?" Hailey calls out, a little too cheekily, and Jay just rolls his eyes.
But when Hailey throws her first bean bag and it sinks right into the hole, he thinks he probably could have used a little bit of the luck she was trying to give him.
Jay has seen Hailey wield a sniper rifle more times than he can count, so he's not sure why he's surprised when she sinks shot after shot.
"There something you wanna say, Halstead?" She smirks when she gets her third perfect shot.
He shakes his head and while the others laugh, he takes a moment to appreciate her sarcastic smile, mouthing to her "behave."
Jay steadies his aim and throws his bean bag, watching it glide in the air and land on the board with a loud thud, half of the beanbag leaning into the whole but not falling in.
"Weren't you a Ranger?" Adam calls out from his spot next to Hailey "How are you losing to Upton?"
"I'm sorry, who completely missed the board on their last shot?" Jay laughs, pointing at the beanbag on the ground near Kim's feet. When he looks over to see Adam's annoyed face, he takes an extra second to catch Hailey's knowing smirk.
Kevin takes a shot and lands just an inch shy of the hole and it's enough that he and Hailey are in the lead. Adam just groans while Hailey's smile beams.
"I think he's distracted," Hailey calls out, tossing her remaining bean bag between her hands.
"And what exactly am I distracted by?" He asks and he knows it's a dangerous question, but the way she shrugs and bites her lip, it's all worth it.
"This is why you and Hailey should have been on the same side," Adam yells again. "At least that way you wouldn't be distracted by her."
"Once again, you missed the board, Ruze," Jay says playfully as Adam steps up to take his throw. "Or is Kim just distracting you?"
Adam shoots daggers at him, mumbling something incoherent under his breath as he tosses his beanbag across the grass. Kevin takes another throw for his and Hailey's team and then, it's Jay's turn again. Jay squares up and throws his last beanbag. It lands a few inches away from the center, but the vibrations of the hit are enough to drop his previous throw into the hole.
"Got anything to say now, Upton?" He smirks and this time, she is silent, just shaking her head with an amused smirk as she lines up to take her final throw.
In the end, Jay's team wins overall, but only by one, and he knows that he will probably hear several teasing comments about how she almost beat his military-trained ass later that night. But the proud smile she wears and the dangerous sparkle in her eye, it's so worth it, and he knows he won't be able to forget that look for the rest of the day.
Kim and Hailey go to talk to the ladies of Firehouse 51 while Jay, Kevin, and Adam go back for another round of beers and end up sitting at a picnic table, slowly sipping their drinks and watching all the chaos of the picnic.
"So," Adam casually says, cocking his head towards Jay. "You and Upton?"
"What about us?" Jay asks, taking a long sip of his beer, staring at Adam over the edge of the bottle.
"Y'all were a little...flirty during that game," Kevin says, and Adam tilts his beer towards Jay knowingly.
"Oh, come on," Jay rolls his eyes. "It was smack talk and you both know it. We're competitive."
"You're flirtatious," Kevin corrects him with a smirk. "There's a difference."
"Bro, it's so obvious you like her," Adam half yells, placing his beer down on the table with a thud. "You've been looking at her with heart eyes since she got back from New York."
"First off," Jay says. "She's my partner and my best friend. We're close. Second, I look at her the same way you two look at each other, so do with that what you will."
A part of him feels bad, lying to his friends and practically brushing off his relationship with Hailey, but he knows that when they tell their friends, they are going to do it right and they are going to do it together. It's not going to be the result of some meaningless teasing from the guys.
"He's right," Kevin hums. "Upton's too good for him. Besides, I think she's got her eye on someone else over there."
Jay glances to where the girls are and notices they have been joined by a few firefighters who don't typically work second shift. Jay isn't sure if Stella and Sylvie know them from 51 or a different firehouse, but he knows he has never crossed paths with them. The conversation does not look to be flirtatious in any manner, the three unknown firefighters talking to the four ladies, and Jay knows that Kevin is making the comment purely to get a reaction out of him.
"Good for her," Jay says matter of factly, tilting his beer back and finishing off the bottle.
"Aren't you jealous?" Adam teases.
"Aren't you? Jay counters, earning a chuckle from Kevin. "You know Kim's over there too? Aren't you two basically together?"
"I thought Adam and I were together?" Kevin pretends to be confused and Jay watches as Adam takes a quick swig of his beer, not even acknowledging the two of them.
"You and Kim might have to fight for his affection," Jay says, standing up and grabbing his empty beer bottle. "I'm grabbing another one. You two want anything?"
The duo shake their heads and Jay makes his way across the picnic grounds to the large table with all the drinks and food. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Hailey glancing at him and after a moment, she quickly leans back in and says something to the group she is with before removing herself and making her way over to Jay.
"Needed a refill," she says, holding up her empty beer bottle as proof.
"You know, I'm going to get a talking to for this," Jay murmurs, turning his back so he is facing away from where Adam and Kevin are still sitting. As Hailey comes to stand next to him, he grabs her a beer and places it in her hands before grabbing his own.
"What are you talking about?" She asks.
"'You and Upton were flirting a lot'; 'You look at her with heart eyes'; 'You're jealous of her talking to the firefighters.'" Jay rattles off the countless comments he just heard, watching as Hailey bites her lip, suppressing a smile.
"In their defense, you kinda do look at me with heart eyes."
Jay bumps her shoulder lightly, throwing his head over his shoulder to see Kevin and Adam still in the middle of their conversation. He lets his arm rest against Hailey's just a little longer, savoring in the small touch.
"I feel like it might be weird if I didn't look at you that way," he says in a husky tone that makes her blush.
She moves away, much to his dismay, and comes to stand in front of him. There's a soft laugh that escapes her lips as she shakes her head and asks. "And the firefighter thing?"
"Right, that," Jay nods. "I basically turned it around on Adam since Kim was over there too."
Hailey nods, humming for a moment before she murmurs, "Smart man."
There's a pause and he waits for her to say more, but she just takes a long sip of her beer, shooting Jay a devilish smirk in the process.
"Kim said something too," Hailey says softly when she lowers her drink. "She was much more subtle than I'm sure the boys were."
"What did she say?"
"Just that we seemed to be having a good time," Hailey says with a shrug. "I told her that we made a bet and were getting competitive."
"Not exactly a lie," he grins. "Although, I'm still trying to figure out what I want for winning."
Hailey dramatically rolls her eyes. "You know, it's a shame I lost. I think you would have enjoyed what I wanted for winning."
She takes a step back and turns, ready to start walking back towards her group, but she's clearly making a show of it, getting him to laugh softly.
"What was your prize gonna be?"
Hailey shrugs. "Guess you'll never know."
She shoots him a wink before turning around and making her way back to Kim and the others. Jay just stands there for a few seconds, dumbfounded, and he's sure he's sporting those heart eyes he's heard so much about today.
Thankfully, for the next few hours, the teasing is kept to a minimum. They hang out with the crew from the firehouse for a little bit and then, Adam and Jay kick around a soccer ball with Makayla and Owen Manning while their friends watch.
Later, the intelligence gang grabs dinner with Trudy and Mouch, and Hermann's family. Trudy makes a comment or two about the detectives that fall on deaf ears when the gang notices how sweet Makayla and Kenny James Hermann are at the end of the table. After that, it's just simple conversation and friendly banter, everyone forgetting the earlier behavior of the detectives.
As the sun starts to set, they wrap up their dinner and throw out all of their garbage, lingering around the food tables. Adam has Makayla on his shoulders, laughing about who knows what, while Kim and Kevin are caught up in their own conversation. Jay and Hailey stand a few feet back, quietly watching their friends and stealing glances.
It's then that the first firework of the night goes off and the crackling sound is enough of a surprise that Jay flinches, just barely, and it's not even noticeable to any of their friends, but of course, Hailey sees it.
"You okay?" She mouths.
Jay nods, shaking himself out lightly. He knows his response was more out of shock than fear, simply him not expecting the fireworks to go off at that moment, but he can still see the concern written all over Hailey's face.
"Wanna slip out?" She whispers softly, as to not alert their friends, who are all just gazing up at the sky. Makayla is the most excited of them all, pointing up to the sky from her spot on Adam's back, Kim and Kevin encouraging her from a few feet away.
"I'm okay," he whispers to her softly.
He is okay. Maybe, for the first few years after coming home, the fireworks were too much. Noise was never his biggest trigger, especially after he became a cop and his brain became so used to the non-stop sound of a gun firing, but still, sometimes, it was all too loud. He remembers his first Fourth of July after coming home, sitting in a bar with Mouse and hoping that the excited shouts of the strangers in the room would drown out the loud blasts.
His second year, he was on patrol and he had to work one of these picnics, and it was tough, to say the least. He got through it, mainly by biting his lip and tightening his fist, and drinking a few too many beers when he got home that night.
The next few years were the same. He didn't intentionally seek out the fireworks, but if he found himself near them, he could stubbornly fight his way through them. He worked a few more years on patrol and endured the fireworks by mustering his way through them and on the years that he came to picnic, he would sneak out early before the fireworks began.
He doesn't have the heart to tell Hailey or their friends that the year Adam was teasing him about, he didn't sneak off with Erin. He went home while she went out with Voight for drinks.
But then, he started getting help. He put in time and effort and worked the therapy process like he knew he needed to. It's not a cure, but it all gave him the tools he needed to get through moments like this, to know he has options.
About a year ago, he and Will went up to their family cabin on the weekend before the fourth, and, not surprisingly, fireworks went off. But, for the first time in a long time, Jay was able to stand and watch them, just for a few minutes. He had tools and he had skills and he knew it was okay to admit if he was not okay.
And he knows he can do that all today. He's got the coping skills he has practiced and he knows that he can slip away the minute it all becomes too much and that is entirely okay. He knows what his triggers are, that noise typically does not get to him and if it does, it's okay and he knows how to take care of himself.
He knows to control his breathing. It's one of the first things he worked on with his therapist and it's always the first thing he does when he starts to feel the anxiety rising.
Breathe in for four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Hold for seven.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.
Breathe out for eight.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
He knows to ground himself. Focus on something real, tangible, something he can feel, hear, see.
He feels the ground underneath his feet, and he hears Makayla's laughter and he sees Hailey standing right next to him.
Hailey's look of concern does not change as the fireworks progress, and it does not take him long to notice that she is not looking up at the sky like all of their friends. Her eyes are trained on him.
"Hailey, I'm-"
His sentence is cut off when she takes a step next to him and casually grabs his hand, squeezing it before finally looking up at the sky.
"I know you are," she whispers.
Sometimes, he needs something physical to ground him, and oftentimes, that's her hand in his.
It reminds him that it is safe, and he is alive and he is loved.
And he knows that she knows that and that's why she's doing this.
"What are you doing?"
"Watching the fireworks," she says as if it's the most obvious thing.
His eyes trail down to their interconnected hands dangling at his side and it's enough to distract him from the noise of the next few fireworks.
"They're going to say something," he murmurs softly.
Hailey shrugs. "Let them say it then."
The unspoken words are loud in the midst of the crackling fireworks in the sky: I'm here, I got you, I don't care what they think.
Your safety is way more important than any little secret.
It means more to him than she'll ever know, how she continues to choose him, even in small ways, like grabbing his hand at a fireworks display because she knows better than anyone else that this might be an uncomfortable activity. Because it's just another sign that she's not going anywhere, that she is choosing him when so many others have not.
So, he tugs on her hand until she is standing right next to him, their arms pressed against each other, and he leans over, his lips almost grazing her ear as he whispers, "This is what I wanted for winning."
She cocks her head up to him in confusion, and as he winks at her, her face slowly melts into a smile.
"I wanted to hold your hand," he whispers. "Seems like a good reward."
Hailey rolls her eyes and lets out a soft laugh and it's all he can focus on, despite the chaos in the sky.
"Guess you didn't have to wait until next year's picnic after all."
Jay smiles at her words before glancing down at their hands again. It's so simple, her hand in his, but it feels so big, so important, so real, and he can't help but smile at her like an idiot.
"You know, I probably would have chosen something a little more exciting," she continues softly, a smirk playing on her lips "Maybe sneaking off or something like that."
"Maybe I'll change my prize to that then," he chuckles.
He bumps against her shoulder with a smile, watching as she happily looks back up at the sky, her hand still lazily in his. He tries to look back up at the fireworks or even at their friends or Makayla's excitement, but he finds it a little hard to focus on anything besides the feeling of her hand in his.
"What are y'all doing?" Kevin's voice breaks his trance, and he looks up from their intertwined hands to see Kevin looking at them strangely.
"Watching the fireworks," Hailey says nonchalantly. "What are you doing?"
"I meant your hands," Kevin tries again, and this time, his attempt catches Kim's attention. She turns around, eyes growing wide with surprise when she sees the detectives standing against each other and holding hands.
"You got something you want to say?" Hailey asks casually and Jay has to bite his lip to keep from smirking.
It's not how they pictured doing this, but something about it still feels right. For the past few months, they kept telling themselves they would find a quiet night at Molly's and just tell their friends, but this seems more accurate. Their relationship snuck up on them, so it only seems fair that their telling their friends is a bit of a surprise too.
"I have so many questions," Kim whispers to herself and before she can say anything more, Hailey cuts in.
"Six months, Christmas party, yes, no." Hailey rattles off, finally looking down from the sky.
Jay can't hold in the laughter anymore, letting out a loud laugh as Kevin and Kim's faces just grow in confusion. Adam turns around, Makayla still on his shoulders, to see what all of the fuss is about.
"What?" Kim asks.
"The answers to your questions," Hailey shrugs. "How long? When did it happen? Is it serious? And do we live together?"
Kim and Kevin exchange a shocked look while Adam plays catch up, his own expression matching the other officers when he sees the positioning of the detectives.
"You're-"
"Dating," Jay finishes Kevin's thought before Hailey can mess with their friends even more. "Yeah. We weren't trying to keep it from you guys, but you know, the whole workplace relationship thing-"
"Oh, we totally get it," Adam cuts him off with a chuckle. No one misses the way that Kim just rolls her eyes playfully or the way Kevin shakes his head.
Because they all get it, more than anyone else.
But before Adam can open his mouth to continue, Makayla is tapping against his cheek impatiently.
"Adam, look, the fireworks are huge!" The girl exclaims. "Kim, Kevin, do you see them?"
"Oh, you are so lucky the squirt is here, otherwise we would be asking you all the questions," Kevin says jokingly before the three officers return their attention to Makayla.
Jay watches the scene in front of him: Makayla excitedly pointing at the sky, Kim and Kevin following her gaze as Adam holds the little girl up. He loves these people, this unit that has slowly but surely morphed into his family and he feels a weight off his shoulders now that they know.
"That wasn't so bad," Jay murmurs under his breath when their friends are no longer paying attention to them.
"Just wait until they're not distracted," Hailey chuckles softly. "It's gonna be like the grand inquisition."
"Hey, you're the one who couldn't behave," Jay teases, watching as Hailey rolls her eyes.
"You complaining?"
He could whisper to her no, he could joke with her or even flirt with her, but their little secret is finally out and for the first time in months, he doesn't have to restrain himself in public. So, he tugs on her hand until she is falling against him, and he anchors one hand against her waist and the other against her cheek, tilting her face up to catch her lips with his.
He has kissed her countless times by this point, in the quiet of one of their bedrooms or quickly in the truck in preparation for a whole work day where they have to pretend they aren't in love. But now, he's kissing her and it's out in the open and it feels like the start of a new chapter, a chapter he is very much looking forward to.
There is no more hiding, no more pretending, no more having the important people in his life not know how she is the most important thing to him.
And maybe it's cheesy, kissing her under the fireworks, but the fact that he can kiss her, freely and without a second thought, it makes him want to do it all the more.
"What was that for?" She quietly laughs as she pulls back, cheeks now tinted red. The fireworks are still going off, but Jay does not even pretend to watch them, too focused on her smile.
Jay shrugs as he loosens his grip on her waist, allowing her to move back to standing next to him "Because I could," he whispers. "And a thank you."
A thank you for holding his hand when she thought he might be triggered because she knows him more intimately than anyone else.
A thank you for knowing him deeper than anyone else because she was always someone he could trust.
A thank you for being the person he could trust because she never left him, not once.
A thank you for never leaving because just her being there makes him a better man, makes him want to do the right thing, makes him want to be happy.
A thank you for all of it, a thank you for being her.
"Always," she whispers.
If the idea of always and forever made his heart race before, now, it does something else entirely, and he does not think the idea of forever is ever not going to be so overwhelmingly good.
The fireworks go on and the two of them are quiet, content as they just look up at the sky and steal glances at each other. Jay flinches a few times on the particularly loud blasts, but each time, Hailey squeezes his hand and looks over to him, mouthing the words, "I got you."
And each time, he whispers, "I got you too."
As the fireworks slow, Makayla starts to fall asleep on Adam's shoulders and Kim says that they should probably get going. Before Makayla completely passes out, Adam slowly lowers her off his shoulders and holds her up against his chest, her small head resting on his shoulder as her eyes start to flutter closed.
"You two are so lucky I have to get this one to bed," Kim mutters in a soft whisper. "Otherwise, we would be asking you all the questions."
"Oh, we're well aware," Hailey laughs.
"Do we get to find out the whole story sometime soon or do we have to wait until the next holiday party?" Kevin asks with a chuckle.
"Really not that interesting a story," Jay says, nodding to the parking lot. The gang starts heading out, waving to their friends from Med and Firehouse 51 as they walk past them.
"Kev, you remember at the Christmas party when I asked if Platt tried to set you up on a date?" Hailey asks. Her hand is still securely in Jay's, but she focuses on the others as she asks the question.
"Vaguely."
Hailey nods with a smile. "Yeah, well, she threatened to set us up with other people, so we just went to the party together. And then we figured out what she was doing, so we tried to get back at her and…"
"And then that happened?" Kim questions, pointing to their hands.
"Basically," Hailey murmurs. "Clearly Platt is a little better at the whole matchmaking thing than any of us would like to admit."
They all laugh, but Kevin just shakes his head, muttering, "I don't understand this unit. I think it's secretly some dating show and no one told me."
It's funny because Jay remembers a time where Voight harshly warned that in-house romances would not be tolerated, but then he looks over at Adam and Kim and their little family and he feels Hailey's hand in his and he realizes how much has changed since then.
Maybe even Voight realizes that some things are inevitable, like Adam and Kim working things out or Hailey's hand finding its way to Jay's.
"Does Platt even know?" Adam asks quietly, shifting Mikayla on his hip. "Because I'm sure she is going to give you a hard time. She's been giving us a hard time for years and she's not even the reason we're together."
Jay smiles. "I mean, we've only actually told Voight but-"
"She knows," the other three officers finish his sentence.
"She's gonna be ruthless when y'all get back to work," Kevin chuckles.
Hailey rolls her eyes as Jay laughs. "We know," she says. "I think we can deal with her though."
"I wouldn't get too cocky," Adam says. "She's a feisty one."
Their laughter subsides as they finally reach the parking lot and before they all go their separate ways for the night, Kim turns to the two detectives, a soft smile on her face. "I know we are going to tease the hell out of you two and we still have like a million questions, but just so you know, we are happy for you guys."
"We are?" Kevin questions. "Because I still feel like Upton could do better."
Jay feigns offense as Kim gently swats at Kevin's arm. "Just kidding. We're happy for you two. But you owe us a round at Molly's and the right to ask at least fifteen, maybe twenty questions."
"I think we can make that happen," Hailey laughs. "Goodnight guys."
They all exchange goodbyes and Jay and Hailey watch as Adam and Kim go to their car, quietly putting Makayla into her seat and Kevin makes his way across the parking lot, of course stopping to talk to several people he sees along the way.
Jay squeezes on Hailey's hand, tugging her back over to the truck with a smile. "So, that's not how I thought today was going to go."
"Not at all," she hums, looking up at him playfully. "You mad about it?"
"No," he laughs quietly. "Not one bit."
"They took it better than I thought," Hailey murmurs, throwing her head over her shoulder to check on their friends.
When she looks back, Jay is already smiling down at her. "Well, just wait until they have some alcohol in them. They'll probably be worse. But they're right when they said the one we should really be worried about is Platt."
Hailey shrugs casually. "I think we can take her."
They are a few feet from the truck when Jay tugs on Hailey's hand, pulling her to a stop. "You sure you're good with people knowing? I know we were talking about it and we were going to do it soon, but-"
She cuts him off by raising herself up to kiss him, letting his words get lost on their lips. He hums, grabbing her waist to pull her closer, trying to savor the moment before she is pulling away too quickly.
"I love you," she breathes out. "That doesn't change if no one knows or everyone knows. So, yeah, I'm sure."
"I love you too," he whispers, pausing for a moment before he smirks at her. "And on the bright side, now we can do all the things we couldn't do before."
She raises her eyebrow in a challenge. "Oh yeah? Like what?"
Instead of responding, he just leans down to kiss her again, silently showing her what he means. He smiles against her kiss, not caring that they are in the middle of the parking lot, and they could be interrupted at any moment.
And maybe Adam honks at them and Kevin yells something out the window as he is driving by, and they probably should restrain themselves better for elite detectives, but they finally can be themselves in public. And that freedom, it feels better than either of them can explain.
(Not surprisingly, when they return to work, Trudy has a field day.
"Detectives. We were doing some pretty unpartner-like things at the picnic, wouldn't you say?"
If they were not still in their own little world, feeling more in love than they did a few days ago, they probably would have some sarcastic remarks of their own. But instead, they just smile and nod before making their way upstairs.
"She knows."
"Everyone knows, Jay."
"I know...I like it."
"Yeah. Me too.")
Thanks for reading! I want to take a moment and say, I'm aware that PTSD and triggers can be sensitive topics. I deal with PTSD and trauma on the daily because of my being a therapist and it's also something that affects my personal life, so I wanted to write something that was trauma-informed and was not glorifying/ romanticizing trauma. But it was also very important for me to show Jay's growth and how he has learned not only to handle his triggers, but to rely on others.
Everyone experiences triggers and copes with them differently. People can go through the same event, experience it differently, and have different triggers and/or experience their triggers differently. Some people develop coping skills to endure their triggers and for others, the best way to deal with their triggers is to avoid them/remove themselves from the situation. Both are valid.
The breathing skill used in this fic is 4-7-8 breathing. It's as simple as it sounds. Breath in for four seconds, hold for seven, breath out for eight. Typically you would repeat until you feel yourself calming down. Grounding techniques on the other hand provide a mental distraction and help you "ground" yourself in the present moment. The technique used here is a modified version of a favorite of mine called the 54321 method. You find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
There are countless other coping skills and some work better for people than others. I encourage you to find what works best for you!
Sending much love! Thanks again for reading!