Thank you all for your kind support with the last two chapters! I know they have been angsty, but keep having faith! Please make sure to check out the end of the chapter for some important notes about some upcoming schedule changes with the fic.

TW: Vague mentions of abuse and abandonment

Enjoy!

Once again, the next day, Jay is the first person at work. It's probably borderline unhealthy, the way he is using work as a coping mechanism for everything that is going on, but it's all he can do right now.

He can't find it in himself to stay in his all too quiet apartment for longer than he needs to, so here he is, sitting in the backroom at the crack of dawn, going back through pod footage, again and again, hoping that something will jump out at him.

It's a Saturday and he tries to not think about how he has spent the last few Saturdays with Hailey in some capacity or another. Whether it was having a friendly dinner with her at her apartment or spending the whole weekend wrapped up in bed, every one of the past few weekends has been spent with her, the way they should be.

But now he is here, sitting at work alone, staring at a computer at 7 am, sipping a cold cup of coffee with thoughts of the blonde detective circling around in his head.

They have only had one weekend case since she came back to work and it was a minor one, one that did not necessitate her coming in, so Jay is honestly unsure if Voight will have her come in today or not. There is a part of him that wants her to stay home, to enjoy her day off, but there is another part of him, the selfish part of him, that secretly hopes she comes in today, just so he can see her.

It's around 8:30 am when he decides to go stretch his legs and see if the rest of the team has arrived. As he makes his way towards the bullpen, he does not hear any chatter and assumes it must be empty, so he is a little surprised when he scans the room and sees a certain detective hyper-focused on her computer screen.

He can't help but smile when he sees her: the little way she bites her lip when she is deep in thought, the way she runs her hand through her hair when she tries to clear her head, the way she drums her fingers against the desk as she tries to put the pieces of the case together.

Normally, he would tease her about the drumming, and he would think to himself how beautiful she looks when she bites her lip like that. But today, he just watches from the other side of the room until Hailey realizes she is not alone, looking up at him, a shy smile on her face.

"I didn't think you were here," She pushes back from her desk a little and turns her chair towards him. He starts walking over towards their desks with a chuckle.

"Going through pod footage," He tells her. "Voight call you in?"

She shakes her head. "I offered. Although, I'm sure he would have called me in if I hadn't."

He is about to sit on the edge of his desk and ask her what she is working on when something on his desk catches his attention.

A muffin.

"It's not a peace offering," Hailey explains slowly when she catches the confused expression on his face. He hums lightly, remembering their conversation from the previous day. "It's a 'we're good and I appreciate you being patient with me' offering."

Jay lets out an amused chuckle as he picks up the pastry. "I love those offerings."

"It's blueberry," She says, that shy smile returning. "I wasn't sure what kind you liked, but there are frozen blueberries in my freezer and I know that I hate blueberries, so I used my detective skills and assumed that you might like them."

He sits on his desk and takes a bite of the muffin, turning to look at her. "Blueberry and chocolate chip."

"What?" She questions.

"That's our order." He explains. "I get blueberry, you get chocolate chip. You tease me and try to get me to take a bite of your muffin and tell me to stop being such a health nut."

The shy smile starts to fade, and it's replaced by a genuine one. "Did I ever get you to do it?"

"I have a pretty hard time saying no to you," He murmurs. "So, yeah, you won a time or two."

There is a little coffee shop down the street from her apartment that they have come to frequent since they started dating and on the days that they somehow have a little extra time in the mornings, they will stop there and get coffee and muffins to start their day. He thinks back to the first few times they did this little routine, the way Hailey sweetly smiled and the way she said "please Jay" through giggly breaths as they sat in the truck and she tried to get him to take a bite of her muffin. He tried to resist at first but seeing the way her eyes lit up when she won, it always made him more inclined to do as she asked.

"I would give you a piece of mine, but I ate it on the way over," She whispers.

"Maybe next time."

He doesn't miss the way her eyes light up when he says next time like she is starting to realize that he is not giving up on this, he is not giving up on her.

He is about to respond when he hears the buzzing of the gate and the unmistakable voices of Voight and Trudy. He feels his shoulders sag in disappointment, a feeling that is written all over Hailey's face as well.

"We'll talk later?"

It's the second time in two days she has said "later" but this time, he has a better feeling when she says it.

The rest of the day feels like one missed connection after another. It's not long after their encounter that morning that they get a lead and he and Kim have to venture out into the field to track it down. It's a bust, not surprisingly, and when he gets back, it's a little after lunch and she is deep in her own work, Kevin over her shoulder as they try to find any aliases their main suspect might have used in the past.

The minute she is done with Kevin, it looks like she is going to say something to Jay, but Voight calls him into his office for an update, continuing to push their "later" again and again.

It's nearly eight when the team gets a real, tangible break and they are gearing up for a blackout raid of the warehouse where they think their suspect is hiding. Jay is downstairs, putting on his bulletproof vest when he hears the door creak open and sees her stick her head in as if asking permission to come in.

Adam, Kevin, and Kim are still in the locker room, and Jay knows they probably only have a minute or two before he has to rush out the door, but it's still something, so he nods her over, noticing the small, shy smile that paints her face.

"I know it's kind of a weird thing to say, but I'm lowkey jealous I'm missing out on this raid," She murmurs as he finishes securing his vest.

"You love a good raid," He chuckles.

She comes to stand in front of him and without even thinking, she tightens one of the straps on his vest, near his shoulder, shooting him a shy smile when she is done. And just say he is about to thank her, he notices the shy smile slowly shift into a worried expression and he cocks his head at her questioningly.

She sighs, shaking her head. "Just be careful. It sucks that I am not out there with you, and it sucks that we're kinda in a weird spot."

"Hailey-"

"I know," She cuts him off gently. "We'll talk later. Just promise me you're gonna be safe out there, okay?"

"I promise. I'll be safe. I have to be so we can talk later," He repeats the word that they have thrown around far too many times in the past few days and he really wishes that "later" would hurry up and get here.

"I mean you can come over later, but I'm sure your exciting raid is gonna tire you out," She says with a nervous chuckle. "But I also heard a rumor that Voight might give you tomorrow off and let you do all the paperwork the next day if you actually get the guy tonight. Don't tell anyone though."

He just smiles at her attempt to lighten the mood, but as quickly as the moment came, it is lost again when he hears footsteps coming down the stairs. He groans, cocking his head up towards the ceiling as he waits for the door to open again.

"Be safe," She says in a firmer voice as she takes a step back from him, turning her head quickly to see Kevin opening the door. "No getting shot, you hear me."

"Happy to see that Upton still gives you the same pre-raid pep talks as before," Kevin jokes, completely unaware of what he is interrupting.

Hailey takes another step back, eyes still trained on Jay. "Be safe, both of you. I'm looking forward to hearing all the cool details."

"Night, Hailey," Jay whispers.

"See ya girl!" Kevin yells from across the room.

Hailey shoots him one more soft smile before slipping out of the door, heading back towards the bullpen. He stands firmly in place, unable to move as he just watches her go.

When he knocks on her door that night, Jay feels a nervous pit in his stomach. Even though they seemed to make some progress with their conversation yesterday, he can't quite seem to settle the nervous energy that is building in his body.

But when Hailey opens the door, it is evident she is feeling the same nerves he is.

"You came," She says softly as she opens the door and lets him in.

It is late, past midnight, and she is dressed in black leggings and an old gray t-shirt he thinks might just be his, and it is clear she did not think he would actually take her up on her offer of coming over tonight. However, it is also clear that he did not wake her up, and maybe a small part of her was hoping that he would come.

He shrugs, trying to appear casual. "Guess the raid didn't tire me out that much after all."

The honest truth is that he could not wait another twelve hours to talk to her, but he assumes she already has figured that out.

That nervous smile is back as she tries to appear amused at his words, making her way to lean against the counter as he stands in the middle of the living room, both of them feeling too anxious to sit for this conversation. For a moment, there is just silence, neither of them having the energy to waste their time with small talk, but neither of them quite sure how they get the ball rolling.

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to say," Hailey breathes out. "There's really nothing that either of us can say that changes where we are at."

"Then just tell me what you're feeling."

Hailey sighs, biting her lip as she collects her thoughts. "I get mad sometimes. Not mad at you. Just mad, you know? Mad that this all happened, mad that I don't remember you, and that all I do remember is the really sucky memories. I'm mad that I forgot how to do relationships because I really want to figure it out."

"It makes sense to be angry," He says.

"I don't get how you're not mad."

A questioning look forms on his face and he cocks his head at her, waiting for her to explain.

"This affects you too," She reasons quietly. "You had this life and all of these plans for the future and then this happened. And now you don't know if you're still going to get any of that and it's my fault-"

She's giving him an out. She's trying to make his leaving have a meaning so maybe it will hurt less. She is so ready for him to leave.

"Hailey, it's not your fault." His voice is firm, and his eyes are locked on hers because he needs her to understand that he is telling the truth, that nothing in him blames her.

"You didn't ask for this," She tries to persuade him. "You didn't sign up for physical therapy appointments and a life with someone is constantly confused and can't remember you. There is no guarantee my memories are coming back. None of that is what you signed up for."

He watches her for a moment, his heart breaking that she might believe anything she just said. The idea that her losing her memories would be enough to make him want to walk away, that after everything, every hard case, and every bump in the road that he would give in now, it kills him.

"You're right. I didn't sign up for that." He tells her. "I signed up for you. You are all I want, Hailey. I don't care about the rest."

"Jay,-" She argues again.

"No," He cuts her off quietly, taking a step towards her. "I need you to hear this. Was I mad when you first got hurt? Yeah, I was pissed. I saw the woman I loved more than anything in a hospital bed with no memories of me and I thought the future we imagined was going to be gone."

"And sometimes, I still get mad," Jay continues. "But I don't care about what we have to deal with. None of that matters to me. You matter to me, Hailey. I'm not giving up just because it's hard. You were and still are everything to me and I need you to know that. So, whether the memories come back tomorrow or they never come back, I'm in this."

She looks at him like she saw a ghost, eyes wide and mouth agape. She does not say anything, she does not react, she does not move. There is nothing and Jay is honestly unsure if what he said helped her or terrified her, but it needed to be said.

"Most people would leave," She says it so simply, with little emotion in her voice. "Between my past and the memory loss, most people would have cut their losses and run a while ago."

"Hailey, I'm not leaving. The only way you're getting rid of me is if you tell me to go and I'm not even sure that's gonna work."

She chuckles a little at his joke and shakes her head. He can tell the wheels in her head are turning at high speed and she is trying to make sense of this all.

"My dad used to always threaten to leave. You know that?" She whispers and it sounds like she is talking to herself. He shakes his head, not remembering her ever mentioning this.

"When he was really fed up and the normal abuse wasn't working, he would threaten to leave. A couple of times I think he did storm out," She continues. "He would always tell us how we weren't worth it and he was just gonna leave us high and dry. He would scream at my mom how she would end up on the street without him. Then he would tell us kids how he never wanted to see any of us again."

She sucks in a deep breath and he can see her grimace a little bit as she retells the story. "It was normally just a threat and even when he did leave, it was never for long. He always came back because of money or how it looked or whatever other dumb reason. He never really came back because he wanted to. Not because he was choosing to stay with us, you know?"

There is tension in the air as he waits for her to finish. He is still a few steps away from her and he wishes nothing more than he could just reach out and comfort her.

"Most people would focus on the part of the story where he came back," Hailey chuckles sardonically. "But when he came back...things didn't get better, they always got worse."

He notices tears forming in her eyes that she is angrily trying to blink away. Her hands are balled into fists at her side, and she looks visibly uncomfortable, but still, Jay is quiet.

"Ever since then," She says in a whisper, "It's just been people leaving. Someone finds out about my past and they leave." Her breath hitches and she bites her lip, shaking her head as she finishes. "And everyone who stays...they hurt me and then inevitably leave too."

She has told him about her past with her father, about how the abuse just got worse as she got older until she finally left the house when she was eighteen. He has heard a few stories about past relationships, about the idiots who ran when she told them about the abuse, and about the ones who stayed and ultimately hurt her.

"And then there's you," Hailey takes a step forward, turning her body slightly so she can see him better. "And you stay through this impossible situation and things didn't get worse and I just don't get it. I don't get how I got to this point. I don't get how I ever became ready for any of this?"

"Every relationship I remember, the other person either left or I pushed them away because I never learned how to do relationships. Trust, vulnerability, leaning on someone? All of those are things I just couldn't do. So, this thing," she gestures between the two of them with her hand. "It makes no sense. I don't get how I did it and I don't know if I can do it again."

She wipes at her tears again and it makes his blood boil that her father and countless others have continued to show her that love is bad and make her believe that she will never figure this out. But he knows, better than anyone, just how much she figured it out and it kills him that she will never see herself the same way he sees her.

"You said the way I look at you scares you?" Jay finally speaks, referencing their conversation from the other night. "That's how you used to look at me. And it terrified me because no one ever looked at me like that."

"What do you mean?"

"Right from the very beginning, you stood by me, and you cared for me. You stood by me through everything. I am standing by you now. And it's not because I think I owe you or I'm trying to pretend that things are normal. It's because I want to be with you. I want this, Hailey."

What he means is that he loves her, that he would choose her every time, no matter what the choice is because he loves her that much, but he knows that little word that starts with "L" might terrify her right now, so he keeps it to himself.

"Hailey, I know that everything with your father still affects you, but you are so much stronger than your past. You put in the work, you fought for this, you decided to be better. That's how you got to this point. Because you decided you were worthy of being loved and you put in the work every day."

She is quiet at his words, her eyes just watching him for any hint of hesitation, but he is sure she does not find it. He lets the silence fill the room, as she studies his face, her own eyes starting to fill with tears.

"And you really think I can do that again?"

"I do."

"How?" Her question is faint, almost unintelligible. "How did we figure it out last time? Because it doesn't make sense to me."

"We took it day by day." He says. "Talked to each other about what we were feeling, leaned on each other when it all got to be too much. Tried to remember that at the end of the day, we wanted the same thing. We stood by each other and we fought for this because we both wanted to be together."

He takes a step closer to her and waits for her to signal that she is uncomfortable, but when she doesn't, he stands his ground. "Things with us were never really easy. We both were scared of this for the longest time and when it finally did happen, we both brought our fair share of stuff from our past to the relationship. But Hailey, we figured it out. It took time and some days it was hard, but we figured it out."

She doesn't respond right away and he's not sure what exactly he's expecting, but he's surprised when the corners of her lips curl up in a faint smile.

"You know, the other day, when I was doing all my thinking, I kept thinking about when we went to Galena," She says with a watery chuckle. He can see the tears that are welling in her eyes, the ones she is working so hard to suppress. "I was thinking about how no one has ever cared about me like that. I mean, it's pretty special to just go to some random town to make someone feel better."

"I would think about all the crap with my dad," She continues, quickly wiping at her eyes to stop any tears from escaping. "And then I would just think about stargazing and walking through some random town and…" She lets out a low sigh. "I never really felt safe as a kid. But I felt safe with you."

"That's all I want, Hailey," Jay whispers. "For you to feel safe."

"I do."

She says the words so quietly, he thinks he might be making them up in his head, but when he looks at her again, she looks sure, calmer and more composed than she has looked all night and he thinks that maybe this is the one thing she is sure of.

"I'm still mad about not having my memories," She says in a small voice, running her hand through her hair in that nervous way she does. "And I'm still kinda scared about how we make this work. But I want to figure this out. I think...I know I'm strong enough to figure it out."

"You are," He says gently. "And it's okay to be scared. But Hailey, I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. This is right where I want to be. I'm right here with you."

Her next move surprises him, as she takes a step forward and wraps her arms around his waist, tightly, squeezing his torso against her, resting her head against his chest. It takes him a few seconds to even register her movements, but once he has, he lets his hands come to rest on her back, holding her close to him, rubbing a comforting pattern against her shirt.

"The picture the other day?" She murmurs into his chest. "It made me realize what I forgot. I had somehow figured out that love was this good thing and I forgot that. And it made me really want to remember all of those happy memories again."

He pulls back from her embrace to cup her cheek and tilt her head up to look at him. Her eyes are red and tired and there are a few dried tear stains that streak her face, but he still thinks, somehow, this might be the most beautiful he has ever found her.

"I know it's not the same, but we can still be happy. We can make new memories. I'm in this, Hailey. I want this if you do."

The seconds that pass as he waits for her answer feel like years. As the silence fills the air, he feels the racing of his heart intensify as his brain continues to tell him she is going to say no. She is going to slip out of his embrace and walk away and that is going to be it. It is going to be over.

"I want this too."

'Really?"

"Yeah," She hums softly. "I know it's hard with my past and the amnesia...but we have this insane bond and I feel safe with you. So yeah, I want this."

"We'll figure it out," He whispers as he pulls her close to him again, his head falling to rest in the crook of her neck as she rests her head on his shoulder.

He feels her nod against his shoulder and a comfortable silence envelops them as they stand in the middle of her living room, holding each other close. After a few minutes, he feels her stir first, pulling back just enough to snake her arm between them, raising her hand to her face to wipe away the remnants of her tears.

"Do you wanna stay tonight?" She asks quietly.

He nods, and even though he had no thoughts about staying when he knocked on her door, he knows right now, the last thing he wants to do is leave.

She tugs on his hand and pulls him to the bedroom and neither of them even takes the extra few minutes to properly get ready for bed. There is time for that later, Jay reasons. Right now, they just slip off their shoes and fall on top of the covers in the clothes they already are wearing. Right now, he just needs to hold her.

He rubs his hand up and down the curve of her spine and she rests her head on his shoulder, tracing random designs of the fabric on his shirt. Her breathing is slow, but not the familiar rhythm that she has when she is sleeping, and he knows that she must still be deep in thought.

"Talk to me," He whispers.

"I want to remember."

"I know."

"If I don't remember though," She tilts her head to look up at him and he shoots her a supportive look, encouraging her to go on. "I think it'll still be okay. I mean, it will suck, but I think I'm in an okay spot. I've got you, Intelligence, Will, Stella...it's not the ideal, but I think I could handle it."

"I know you can handle it," He murmurs, his hand that was rubbing her back moving to cup the back of her head, steadying it against his chest. "But let's just focus on the day to day, okay? That's all we can control."

"Day to day," She repeats. "I can handle day to day."

He can't help but lean down and kiss her gently, silently showing her what he needs her to know. It's not a hot and heavy kiss by any measure, but rather, it's a promise that no matter what the next day brings, he will still be by her side, and they will still be okay.

As he moves closer to her, he feels her chuckle against his lips and he leans back, his eyes softly focused on her. "What?"

It's quiet for a moment, as she continues to draw the nonsensical patterns on his shirt, her hand every now and then tracing its way up to the neckline. That sad, confused look that she wore when he first arrived at her apartment is gone and it's replaced by a calm, caring expression.

"I was just thinking about what you said...making happy memories. This seems like a happy memory," she murmurs. "I mean, not the part where I was yelling and crying tonight. But the part where we are making out in bed doesn't seem half bad."

He laughs at her response, ever amazed at her ability to smile and laugh after such a deep conversation. This is almost always how it goes: whether it be a difficult conversation about one of their pasts that has them crying or it's an argument that has them spitting mad, when they have come down from the emotional high, she somehow always finds a way to laugh.

It's like her way of saying she trusts him, and she knows things are going to be okay.

"First I'm a decent kisser, now I'm not half bad-"

She swats at his chest with a soft giggle. "Stop fishing for compliments."

He chuckles at her ever sassy personality, before flashing her a devilish smile. "You know, we have quite a few happy memories of making out here. I'm sure we could recreate one of those memories now. Might help you feel better."

"That sounds very scientific."

"Well, I'm not a doctor but I think-"

"Jay?" She interrupts him with a sweet smile.

"Yeah?"

"Just shut up and kiss me."

He kisses her again slowly, neither of them in any rush, not when they have a whole future ahead of them.

Reviews?

ANNOUNCEMENT

Chapter updates will now be on Sundays instead of Fridays. I am starting a new job, which means I'll (finally) be returning to in-person work and can't post at the same time as I have.

BUT, I am not cruel enough to make you wait a whole nine days until the next update. So, Chapter 19 will be posted on Sunday, 6/20 which is in TWO DAYS. After that, we will resume weekly updates each Sunday right up until the end. If there is ever a change with updating, I will post on both Tumblr and Twitter (both usernames are anniesardors)

Thank you for your continued support of the fic! See you Sunday!